SHARE

S-M-R-T.

The answer is A LOT. Which makes sense, because Donald Trump’s butthole isn’t weak like the other candidates’ buttholes, and it’s definitely not a captured POW loser like John McCain’s butthole. Trump had a big weekend, and he probably put the nail in his own coffin by saying mean things about McCain — some of which are KINDA true, except for how Donald Trump is an asshole who doesn’t know how to string words together without coming off like a ginormous cowering pussy, and who also doesn’t really have a place to talk about others’ Vietnam War records, since the only bravery Trump exhibited during that time was in the number of bullshit deferments he managed to get. Oh wait, that wasn’t “brave,” that was “brazen,” and also “cowardly.”

And how did the idiot cast of “Fox & Friends” — Brian “The Rapey-Looking One” Kilmeade, Elisabeth Hasselbeck and Steve Doocy — react to all this? The way they always do when Republican men talk all big, but are in reality giant pussies: They threw Trump’s legs in the air and went to town on his Trump-hole, with their tongues.

Here are some fun quotes, about how people need to stop being mean to Donald Trump:

DOOCY: Keep in mind, after he had this statement, mainstream media said, “Donald Trump says John McCain not a war hero.” He says it one time, then immediately corrects himself, and says he was a war hero four times.”

Wait, is that what happened? Did Trump say FOUR TIMES ALAN that McCain is a war hero? Not really. Let’s look at the transcript again, omitting the boring parts where pollster Frank Luntz was yapping:

 “He’s not a war hero … He is a war hero … He’s a war hero because he was captured. I like people that weren’t captured. So he’s a war hero … He’s a war hero, because he was captured, okay?”

HMMM, it seems Trump is saying that yeah fine, he’s technically a war hero, but only for stupid dumb reasons, but whatever. More dumb:

KILMEADE: When Senator McCain was running for president, he never talks about what he experienced… But in the big picture, what Donald Trump does, he goes at you directly. I imagine if we were one on one, trying to bid against buildings, he’d come after me about soccer. He’d go after the weakness.

Oh sweet Jesus. John McCain’s entire career is about how great he thinks he is, and how he won’t stop talking about it. But we have learned a new thing about Brian Kilmeade, which is aside from the fact he is stupid and dumb and looks like he might slip Cosby pills in your drink, he is also bad at soccer. Noted.

DOOCY: Going back to the first comment, they [Trump and McCain] don’t like each other. There are a lot of people in this country that don’t like each other.

GO ON! Explain more about this phenomenon of people not liking each other:

DOOCY: But it’s political season and, you know, a lot of people might say look, it’s Donald Trump being Donald Trump. He is not going to apologize because he says he does not like what John McCain has done for the vets, and Donald Trump says if elected, he would do something for the vets.

KILMEADE, cutting in and accidentally making a point: Listen, bottom line … I don’t think any politician can be successful, especially front runner with fourteen direct competitors, being his own advisor. He has to start consulting with people!

DOOCY: If that is true and he’s advising himself, he’s done pretty well so far.

HAS HE?

HASSELBECK: How would you consult him? Let us know what you think about this between John McCain and Donald Trump.

Yes, let’s ask the Fox News viewers their advice on how to do political consulting, that is a great idea that would add much to our political discourse, we are very sure.

So it’s early, but we are going to say that Steve Doocy did the best rimjob to Donald Trump, that Brian Kilmeade is second best, which is probably very common in his life, and Elisabeth Hasselbeck didn’t even try, because she is a weak loser.

If you’d like to see more Fox News anchors lick Donald Trump’s butthole, here is a BONUS VIDEO from Friday’s episode of “The Five,” before all of this McCain flippity-flap started. Dumb idiot Eric Bolling says that it’s just AMAZING how “there are that many Republican pundits on the networks … trashing Donald Trump. There’s a problem in America, and it’s not Donald Trump, it’s collective progressivism that needs to change.” See? It’s the liberals’ fault.

We are going to need so much more popcorn.

[Media Matters]

$
Donate with CCDonate with CC
  • cousin itt

    That’s a lot of Santorum. Trump’s hole must taste like freedum fries.

  • Tallmutha

    I never thought I would look back fondly at that golden time when all anybody could talk about was the Duggars.

    • SnarkOff

      I miss Rachel Dozeal.

  • Spotts1701

    Given FOX’s usual demographic, half would want Trump to slug McCain in the jaw for letting the blah man beat him, while the other half would fall asleep halfway through their comment.

  • elviouslyqueer

    Keep felching that chicken, Fox.

  • AngryBlakGuy

    …I guess giving Trump a rim job is better than giving Rick Santorum one!!!

  • SnarkOff

    Wonkette, for the love of all things holy, please stop running stories that make me think of Donald Trump’s anus.

    • HobbesEvilTwin

      Wonkette, for the love of all things holy, please stop running stories that make me think of Donald Trump‘s anus.

      FIFY

  • Callyson

    This makes sense as a business decision: if Trump fades too quickly in the polls, he won’t qualify for the first GOP debate, and what would that do to the ratings?

    PS: Wonkette will be liveblogging those, right? Because I’ll need the company of you good folks to keep my sanity this election season…

    • nothingisamiss

      I am SO ready for this.

  • JMPesq

    “When Senator McCain was running for president, he never talks about what he experienced”

    Wait, what? Did these people sleep through the 2008 election – or 2000 primary for that matter? John McCain CONSTANTLY talked about his war experience, he would not stop talking about it, it was the main thrust of his campaign.

  • andreamd

    I have never seen the actual show- just the SNL version.

    • Zyxomma

      I’ve never seen the actual show or the SNL version, only clips here at Wonkette.

      • DemmeFatale

        I’ve never seen the actual show, the SNL version, or could even bear to watch the clips here at Wonkette.
        (Yes, I’m a coward!)

    • How could you tell?

  • elviouslyqueer

    The only upside to watching those douchey video embeds is that my computer innards have never smelled so clean and minty fresh.

  • diogenez

    The Fox Brain Trust also thinks Trump just needs to tell the ocean sharks to CLEAR OUT, OK?!?

    http://www.rawstory.com/2015/07/foxs-brian-kilmeade-why-arent-we-clearing-the-waters-of-sharks-so-ocean-swimming-is-safe/

  • memzilla

    I just realized Donald Trump keeps his hair in place using the There’s Something About Mary method, except he uses a mirror.

    • HolidayinCambodia

      And snowballs from Bristol.

  • Thaumaturgist

    Will y’all admit now that I was right about how the Republican base would take Trump’s comments?

  • Callyson

    Say, you know who else didn’t like each other?

    • Fred and Ethel Mertz?

    • elviouslyqueer

      Sarah Palin and the entire free world?

      • Villago Delenda Est

        Second and Third worlds as well.

    • cousin itt

      Wonkette and Stupid?

    • Msgr_Moment

      Stalin and Trotsky?

    • HolidayinCambodia

      Sonny and Cher?

      • goonemeritus

        They’re getting along better now.

    • Msgr_Moment

      Every princess and every wicked witch, ever.

    • Mehmeisterjr

      Rupert and Wendy?

    • Msgr_Moment

      Nature and vacuums?

    • Spotts1701

      Billy Martin and George Steinbrenner?

      • Vecciojohn

        George Steinbrenner and everyone else?

    • SK

      Palin and Meyer

    • Mehmeisterjr

      Bristol and Abstinence.

    • Mehmeisterjr

      Today, we all don’t like each other.

      • goonemeritus

        I like you

        • sw19womble

          Splitter!

      • vivian

        I am Not Like You!

    • calliecallie

      All those various desperate housewives?

    • sw19womble

      The tv aerial and my television?

    • dslindc

      Vladimir Putin and anyone who isn’t Vladimir Putin?

    • goonemeritus

      The Menendez Twins and their parents?

    • Querolous

      Gojira tai Mosura?

    • Mehmeisterjr

      Cain and Abel and Ted and Alice?

    • BearGHAZI

      Aileen Wuornos and men?

    • ThePuckStopsHere

      Hitler?

    • Doug Langley

      Liz and Dick?

    • mtn_philosoph

      Tyrion Lannister and King Joffrey?

      • mtn_philosoph

        Tyrion Lannister and Tywin Lannister?

    • mtn_philosoph

      The GOP base and reality?

  • bumfug

    Funny you should mention getting more popcorn, I’m pretty sure that’s what Doocy was digging for in Trump’s butt.

    • elviouslyqueer

      Almost every kernel popped!

  • cousin itt

    Fox News and Donald Trump sitting in a tree S-U-C-K-I-N-G.

    • sw19womble

      vacuum cleaner libel!!!!!!

  • Barbara Delaney

    DOOCY: “Going back to the first comment… There are a lot of people in this country that don’t like each other.”

    What?! Is this true!?

    I’ll be in my room sobbing into my pillow. Much like Sally Field before me, I thought you liked me! Really, really liked me!

    • Spotts1701

      Hey, now:

    • Mehmeisterjr

      We like you fine. Who cares what that stupid Doocy boy thinks? How about a nice ice cream cone?

  • schmannity

    $arah would so like to weigh in but there is a possibility that the Apprentice will revive and grifter dollars may be available.

    • Barbara Delaney

      If you send her $25 right now she’ll be happy to tell you what she “thinks”.

      • HolidayinCambodia

        For $50, she’ll do it topless.

        • sw19womble

          …and for $100 she’ll leave her clothes on.

    • SnarkTank

      ZOMG, this makes perfect sense! Since Teh Donalduh can’t host it this year, maybe they’ll get $arah to host the Apprentice! The winner, of course, will be the one who quits halfway through…

      • Mehmeisterjr

        Everybody will say, “You can’t fire me, I quit!” halfway through the season. Followed by the second half of the season on a deserted set. I love it.

  • Fly

    Kilmeade’s idea that Trump would consult anyone other than his hair is rediculous.

  • HolidayinCambodia

    “I shot the clerk? I shot the clerk?”

  • Mehmeisterjr

    Well this is depressing. Brian Kilmeade is lousy at soccer? I am lousy at soccer, which means that I have something in common with Brian Kilmeade. The shame! The shame!

    • sw19womble

      Say, you know who else is lousy at soccer?

  • SK

    But we have learned a new thing about Brian Kilmeade, which is aside from the fact he is stupid and dumb and looks like he might slip Cosby pills in your drink

    Note to self: One day, start a GoFundMe for anyone to slip Cosby pills in Kilmeade’s drink and for photos when he wakes up next to Trump in his casino.

  • Jeamonn

    Easy Fox and Friends, he doesn’t really shit gold. It’s just hyperbole and you won’t find any stuck in his ass.

    • SJLAW

      Uh yeah he shits gold bricks and they’re HUGE! This is how he’ll fix the national debt duh!

  • goonemeritus

    For the record I feel Senator John McCain is without
    question a legitimate national hero and Trump is a total ass. Nothing Trump
    said should be construed as true, partially true or even technically not false.

    • toomanyrappers

      So, he’s a Republican.

  • toomanyrappers

    Told ya. Trump represents all Republicans. ;) Own it.

  • whyieverdidit

    Y’know, there was someone else who only liked war heroes if they hadn’t been captured. In fact, he took the ones that *had been* captured but still had the chutzpah to come home and clapped ’em in the gulag. Now who could that have been…?

    • Mehmeisterjr

      The word “gulag” suggests someone of a Russian, no Georgian background.

      • Villago Delenda Est

        That is a perceptive observation.

        • Mehmeisterjr

          It’s a gulagging indicator.

      • Msgr_Moment

        So Jimmy Carter is out?

    • sw19womble

      Obama?

    • Msgr_Moment

      Clap in the gulag…. Some camp follower?

    • Latverian Diplomat

      Zap Brannigan?

    • CripesAmighty

      Sgt. Shultz?

  • Villago Delenda Est

    I am so disappointed in the Wonketariat. The answer to Evan’s headline question is, of course, AOT, K.

    • JoeChristmas

      johnny carson carnac

    • Antimassacree

      Clearly!

    • Dee Andee

      Please don’t be disappointed! Pleeeeese!

      • cbts

        Awwwww, I love that kitty cat so much.

    • dshwa

      He put it in the red sub header thingy, so we couldn’t use it.

  • ManchuCandidate

    I see Doocy and Killemeade as Lennie from Of Mice and Men.

    “Tell me about the tax cuts, Steve. I will hug them and pet them and love them and call them Trump.”

    • Mehmeisterjr

      So La Hasselbeck is Steve? Improv sketch coming up!

  • Esteban Rey

    Obviously it is offensive that these comments by trump are supposed to be worse than saying all Mexicans are racist. But still I have to say I’m a bit surprised that tall the hyperpatriots aren’t piling on Donald. I guess McCain is almost a democrat, since it’s okay to impugn his military service.

    • Villago Delenda Est

      McCain lost to “that one”. He’s a RINO. He’s under attack from the teatards in Arizona for being a liebral.

      • Esteban Rey

        Yes, the wingnuts I have seen in comments sections are volunteering reasons as to why it is okay to insult anything at all about McCain. You always knew they were wildly hypocritical and only propelled forward by unremitting hatred, but it’s strange to see it in action like this.

  • Matt S

    Well, he is a huge ass, so probably a lot of them.

  • fawkedifiknow

    When Sarah Palin happened, I said nothing. When Mitt Romney happened, I said nothing. When Ted Cruz happened, I said nothing. Now, Donald Trump is happening, and I got nothing, again.

    The rule is, “When the other side is doing a first class shit storm on their parade, let them be.”

  • Dave

    As a vet with a combat related injury and member of this snarky little mob, I grudging admit Trump is right on this one. Getting hurt, shot or caught does not make one a hero… cause shit just happens. What makes one a hero is what they did before and after.

    Before his capture Jonny represented nepotism in the military at its worst. Daddy and GranDaddy pulled ranked so Johnny could progress even though he was was less competent than those around him.

    During his political adventure he has been milking his capture like 70 year old man sucking on his Momma’s titty.

    • Villago Delenda Est

      Alas, this is all too true. McCain’s ambition has hijacked every other aspect of his persona, and tossed his honor and integrity away.

    • Msgr_Moment

      Well put, but I’d say in Walnut’s defense that he refused to be sent home before his turn, so he gets some credit for that.

      On the other hand, I think he already used his Get Out of Trouble card during the Keating Affair.

  • Embarrassing confession: I would probably hate-fuck Eric Bolling. And I would for sure sell the story to Gawker.

    • elviouslyqueer

      EW. Have a seat, young man, while the Queen’s Council reviews your membership.

      • I know, I know. Believe me, my license to practice homosexuality has been called into question many, many times.

        • sw19womble

          I thought fashion violations were only treated as misdemeanors nowadays?

          • Villago Delenda Est

            Well, this is a matter of taste, after all. Oysters vs. Snails and all that.

        • anniegetyerfun

          If it makes you feel any better, I really wanted to bang David Brooks at one point.

          • vivian

            I still want to bang him, right upside the head with a cricket bat of votes, or a rabid shark.

          • Well who didn’t?

    • First of all: Eww.

      Second of all, Craggs & Read just sanctimoniously resigned for myopically incomplete reasons, and word on the street is that Gawker’s about to be dry-pegged hard with a 12″ civil suit, so you might wanna line up an alternate media outlet for your bean spilling.

      Might I suggest Wonkette?

    • jmk

      Oh darling, we like you anyway. Just don’t mention it again. No, really… don’t.

  • DahBoner

    You gotta hand it to McCain.

    Not many veterans come back home and get rich by marrying a big Drug Kingpin…

    http://media0.giphy.com/media/GseVYp7UtQiSQ/200w_d.gif

    • Villago Delenda Est

      Nancy Reagan has been very cool towards McCain ever since he dumped his first wife for the beer heiress.

      • cessnadriver

        She had a limp!

  • el_donaldo

    Yes, Trump’s bunghole is huger and classier than the other candidates. And also more likely due to collapse financially, go into receivership, and then be tugged about by the courts for an eternity.

  • BearGHAZI

    Trump Hole

  • 24601

    Can’t even imagine the creative manscaping…

    • Antimassacree

      That’s quite the comb-around you got there.

  • Antimassacree

    Fox News [sic] viewers/consultants advise Trump to campaign on building a Trump-wall around their yards to keep those damn kids off our lawns!

  • clubseal

    The last thing I’d ever want to be is a “war hero.” If you don’t stumble into the moniker by getting captured, it probably means you killed a lot of people, and if you’re American, you did it while invading someone else’s country.
    If I killed a lot of people and my country revered me for it, I’d probably want to be shot dead at a shooting range by a PTSD sufferer. With votes.

  • Anarchy Pony

    It only takes one, but you better believe they’ll all be down on their knees the second his trousers drop.

    • Ian

      In (a paraphrase of) the immortal words of Ron White, I don’t know how many it takes, but I know how many they’re gonna use.

  • VandeGraf

    Doocy sounds like a vernacular term describing heavily used genitalia.

    • sw19womble

      The “h” is silent

      • Villago Delenda Est

        The correct spelling is Doouchy.

    • celtic_buddha

      Doocy,v. slang, (or Deucey) the act of being penetrated by two penises at once during a sexual act.

  • Latverian Diplomat

    This just in, pending new poll results, Fox&Friends stoutly defends Republican frontrunner.

  • When you’re fundamentally dishonest, context is something you can easily discard if that makes it easier to support your allies or attack your enemies.

    • Villago Delenda Est

      Which is what they specialize in at Faux Noise.

  • Good_Gawd_Yall

    I love the way the idiots at Faux “News” always talk shit about mainstream media when it suits them, then compare their ratings numbers and gloat about how well they’re always doing. So, Faux, it’s either one thing or the other – either you are part of the mainstream media (according to you, Number ONE in “news”) or you aren’t a part of it at all, so comparing yourself to any media source is like comparing apples to how much it rains in Zimbabwe.

  • Beowoof14

    Sometimes, not often, my gag reflex strikes. The thought of Trump’s starfish is one of those times.

  • The question should not be how many fox anchors does it take to give Trump a rim job, but how much drugs did the fox anchors have to take to give Trump a rim job?

    • Unforgotten

      What’s really scary with your question is that the most logical answer is: ZERO.
      They did it while totally sober!!!

      • MikeyArmstrong

        This. If anything, drugs would have made them realize what complete, fucking tools they are and it would’ve made them think twice before kneeling before Trump’s ginger butt hole.

    • david green

      “there are that many Republican pundits on the networks … trashing Donald Trump”. The obvious answer is that there are too many Republican pundits on the networks.

  • UnsaltedSinner

    Wow. This was Fox News’ chance to throw Trump overboard, and instead they give him tongue. I guess Ailes has caught the Trumpmania.

  • Shalimar

    Doocy: “Donald Trump says if elected, he would do something for the vets.”

    Keeping Mexicans out of the country so they can’t rape white women is not doing something for the vets. It is a non-sequitur, or in more everyday terms, a what-the-fuck-is-wrong-with-you.

    On a related note, I doubt it would be that hard for DoD to run a search of birth cities in their database and find out exactly how many veterans of the US armed forces were born in Mexico.

  • Antonin Dvorak

    “THERE ARE FOUR LIGHTS MENTIONS OF JOHN MCCAIN AS A WAR HERO!”

    http://i1.ytimg.com/vi/0NFITME0zI8/mqdefault.jpg

    • cessnadriver

      That story line creeped me out.

  • AnOuthouse

    Everybody who wants to be president raise their hand. Way up high so we can see. Well, Senator McCain doesn’t really want to be president because he won’t raise his hand.

  • TheBidenator

    Donald Trump is the greatest, YOOOGEST war hero ever in the fantasy world that is Donald Trumps brain (a similar nether void as where Fox News gets its facts) so of course he is the one we should be looking to determine who is and isn’t a war hero. Isn’t it obvious?

  • Christopher Boscarino

    Crowd-Sourcing your political campaign. I could see this as a thing.

  • handyhippie65

    trump needs a bigger bunghole than most. look at the shit he pulls out of it.

  • vivian

    I seriously want there to be a channel that re-enacts F&F every morning using finger puppets. Would there be any difference?

  • CripesAmighty

    And just in case you are not overcome with black terror, remember: there are actually allegedly sentient beings–people–who Sit. For. An. Hour. And. Watch. This. Shit.

  • alnnc

    Watching the bonus video makes me gag. The American people believe Trump when he says he will make them wealthy too? Like all those people that got student loans for worthless courses from Trump U. Or the investors that lost millions in his scams and bankruptcies. I could go on and on about this short clip, but it’s past my bedtime. I can’t believe the ability of these people to look at a piece of shit and see gold.

  • jim2011

    “Those on Fox & Friends who forget Donald Trump’s taint are condemned to reclean it.”

    – Winston Churchill

  • Manhattan123

    Did this happen before or after Murdoch Tweeted out a Trump take-down? Because methinks these big tough Foxholes will not get on the wrong side of their kangaroo-humping boss no matter how much they think they have to to kiss Trump’s ass. I suspect a Fox/Trump split on the horizon now that Rupe has spoken.

    However, in Trump-defending news, I see Rush Limbaugh bailed out his fellow draft dodger. Limbaugh’s Vietnam deferment was for an anal cyst.

    That is all.

  • Alex Grey

    Boozahol will be needed to forget this shit.

  • Landolf

    I think Trump must have gone to the Rob Ford school of media relations.

  • Sterculius

    Wow, Trump ties his comb over to an anvil and throws himself overboard, and Fox News suctions itself to his ass for the ride to the bottom of the ocean. This really is a great country!

Previous articleJohn McCain Graciously Refuses To Tell Donald Trump To F*ck Himself In The Ear
Next articleDonald Trump YOOOOGE Fan Of God And Those Little Jesus Crackers