Democratic Plant Donald Trump Is Not Democratic Plant, Says Donald Trump

Serious Presidential Contender Donald Trump (we almost typed that with a straight face ... almost) angrily denied suggestions that he was a secret Democratic operative loosed on the 2016 Republican field to make the party look stupid. For one thing, with Ted Cruz, Marco Rubio, Jeb! Bush, and several thousand other candidates, the field needed no extra help. Specifically, Trump took issue with Florida Republican congresstroll Carlos Curbelo's recent suggestion that maybe, just maybe, Trump might be a stealth Democrat. Curbelo, who supports Jeb! Bush, said in a recent radio interview:

There are too many important national, local international topics to waste time talking about a person who, I repeat, in my judgment is irrelevant -- and who quite possibly is a phantom candidate recruited by the left to create this entire political circus[.]

On a different Miami radio program, Curbelo explained:

I think there's a small possibility that this gentleman is a phantom candidate. Mr. Trump has a close friendship with Bill and Hillary Clinton. They were at his last wedding. He has contributed to the Clintons' foundation. He has contributed to Mrs. Clinton's Senate campaigns. All of this is very suspicious.

Speaking on  Fox & Friends  Wednesday, Trump shot down such speculation, just as any good double agent would do:

"Believe me -- from Hillary's standpoint, the one person she doesn't want running against her is Donald Trump," he said of the Democratic presidential frontrunner.

We have no reason to doubt this whatsoever. Yr Wonkette contacted a Clinton campaign staffer who asked to be identified only as "Br'er R" and confirmed that the campaign is indeed terrified by the prospect of having to go up against Trump's formidable intellect, and also strenuously objected to holding any debates in the briar patch.

The former reality TV star argued that contributing to the Clintons and others was just the price of doing business prior to entering the political arena.

"I'm a businessman. I contribute to everybody," Trump said. "When I needed Hillary, she was there. If I say 'go to my wedding,' they go to my wedding."

People do what Donald Trump wants, obviously. Besides, palling around with the Clintons, making his shitty line of now-discontinued clothing in China -- these are things Donald Trump didn't want to do, but had to, because that is how business works, my friend. Unlike negotiating an arms agreement to put Iran's nuclear program in mothballs for over a decade. That's just morally reprehensible, unless it turns out we got a really good price on some of those Persian carpets, that could sweeten the deal, maybe, and they'd look great in whatever casino we happen to be planning to drive into bankruptcy soon.

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Besides, Trump insists, he is beholden to no one, because he's self-financing his campaign. And apart from the people he pays to say yes to him, Donald Trump has no friends who might want him to do favors:

"That's part of the problem with our system," he said on "Fox & Friends." "They're going to do for me and all their donors things that aren't necessarily good for the country, but that are good for their donors."

You see? Donald Trump is his own man, and all the crazy shit he comes up with is 100 percent his own. Don't you feel a lot better now?

[ RawStory / Fox & Friends ]