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That's a still from the San Andreas movie film. Your thing is worse.

OK, Portland and Seattle Wonkers, this is a public service announcement. We are going to need you to find buddies in the comments section (which does not exist), and beg them to let you crash on their couch, because you guys are going to have a REALLY BIG EARTHQUAKE. Yeah, maybe you already knew that, but the rest of America is finding out now, thanks to a fascinating long-read in The New Yorker on what may end up being the biggest natural disaster in U.S. American history. This isn’t some wussy San Andreas Fault 7-point whatever business, this is more along the lines of the 2011 quake in Tōhoku, Japan, which registered 9.0 on the Richter scale and triggered the tsunami that triggered the Fukushima nuclear reactor meltdowns. This is big shit.

You see, it all has to do with something called the Cascadia Subduction Zone, where the Juan de Fuca plate (which is under the ocean) is smooshing itself up under the North American plate (which is on North America), and it has no place to go, because it’s smooshed up against another plate. If you’re into the science of how this happens, go read the article, but here is the gist, involving fun hand exercises:

Take your hands and hold them palms down, middle fingertips touching. Your right hand represents the North American tectonic plate, which bears on its back, among other things, our entire continent, from One World Trade Center to the Space Needle, in Seattle. Your left hand represents an oceanic plate called Juan de Fuca, ninety thousand square miles in size. The place where they meet is the Cascadia subduction zone. Now slide your left hand under your right one. That is what the Juan de Fuca plate is doing: slipping steadily beneath North America. When you try it, your right hand will slide up your left arm, as if you were pushing up your sleeve. That is what North America is not doing. It is stuck, wedged tight against the surface of the other plate.

The North American Plate is Not Doing That, and therein lies the problem. Instead, the edge of the Juan de Fuca plate is pushing against and under it, and the North American Plate is “bulging upward and compressing eastward,” and it will continue to do that until … well, until it doesn’t anymore. At that point it will slam back westward, “like a spring,” and that will be when you all die. WE’RE NOT JOKING, THIS IS SERIOUS. The New Yorker explains that this could happen in two ways, and one of them is very, very bad and will register somewhere between 8.0 and 8.6 on the Richter scale. The other way is worse:

If the entire zone gives way at once, an event that seismologists call a full-margin rupture, the magnitude will be somewhere between 8.7 and 9.2. That’s the very big one.

Okay, convinced yet? Let’s talk about the tsunami this will cause:

When the next very big earthquake hits, the northwest edge of the continent, from California to Canada and the continental shelf to the Cascades, will drop by as much as six feet and rebound thirty to a hundred feet to the west—losing, within minutes, all the elevation and compression it has gained over centuries. Some of that shift will take place beneath the ocean, displacing a colossal quantity of seawater. (Watch what your fingertips do when you flatten your hand.) The water will surge upward into a huge hill, then promptly collapse. One side will rush west, toward Japan. The other side will rush east, in a seven-hundred-mile liquid wall that will reach the Northwest coast, on average, fifteen minutes after the earthquake begins.

Now, the Japanese will have quite a warning for this tsunami, because they will be watching one of their weird game shows where a girl jerks a guy off while he does karaoke, but then there will be a breaking news alert about how there is a tsunami coming, due to the Pacific Northwest just got ruint. The tsunami on this side of the Pacific will start within 10 to 30 minutes:

For the seventy-one thousand people who live in Cascadia’s inundation zone, that will mean evacuating in the narrow window after one disaster ends and before another begins. They will be notified to do so only by the earthquake itself—“a vibrate-alert system,” Kevin Cupples, the city planner for the town of Seaside, Oregon, jokes—and they are urged to leave on foot, since the earthquake will render roads impassable. Depending on location, they will have between ten and thirty minutes to get out.

And what will everything be like after the tsunami is over?

Kenneth Murphy, who directs FEMA’s Region X, the division responsible for Oregon, Washington, Idaho, and Alaska, says, “Our operating assumption is that everything west of Interstate 5 will be toast.”

For the uninitiated, that includes “Seattle, Tacoma, Portland, Eugene, Salem (the capital city of Oregon), Olympia (the capital of Washington), and some seven million people.” But you knew that, if you live in the Northwest, why are you people just sitting there reading this, shouldn’t you be getting boxes and looking into Omaha real estate, ooh it’s nice there this time of year, Omaha.

Because here’s the other kicker: When scientists finally discovered that this damn Cascadia Subduction Zone existed, they were able to figure out approximately how often she blows a gasket, and that number is every 243 years. The last one happened in 1699, long before any of you hipsters discovered Seattle and Portland before it was cool. Well guess what, the Cascadia Subduction Zone was way ahead of YOUR hippie ass, and she’s OVERDUE.

Seriously, please do read the whole article, because the way scientists discovered all this is absolutely fascinating. It involves Japanese history and tree rings and sucking deposits off the ocean floor, cool stuff like that, and it’s Good Science.

And as we said, some of you Seattle and Portlandia (Vancouver too, run for your lives!) people probably are like “duh we know this,” but your governments aren’t doing near enough about it (or maybe it’s just that it’s too little, too late) and your Wonkette is just concerned about you, so come on. You can go stay with Dok in Idaho.

Evacuate.

NOW!

[The New Yorker]

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  • onedollarjuana

    I ain’t worried. I live on a hill above about 100 wineries, a few breweries, and some distilleries. I’ll just wander down to the new beach and pick up bottles.

  • Biel_ze_Bubba

    I blame the Gays.

    • marxalot

      To be fair, it probably is our fault.

      • eric

        The constant gyrating doesn’t help.

        • arglebargle

          There’s a whole lotta shakin’ goin on.

      • SuspectedDemocrat

        All that subduction outside of matrimony.

        • Vecciojohn

          Well, subducting us straights is part of the Gay Agenda.

        • coozledad

          De Fuca plate? I hardly de know it!
          Juan.

      • jviscont1

        I’ll take a shot of tequila with my tonic.

      • Playonwords

        No, the Cascadia Fault is everyones.

  • AngryBlakGuy

    “Juan de Fuca plate”

    …not only are the illegal Mexicans disease carrying rapist, but they also can cause tectonic shifts in the earths mantle!!!

  • Viva La Tabula Raza

    Folks out there are gonna be Juan de Fucked.

    • bluejayray

      Yeah–it’s all fun and games till somebody puts out an eye…

    • Lascauxcaveman

      I am currently sitting (as I do most every workday) at about 20 feet above sea level, 1 block from the Juan de Fuca Strait, in a 3-story 100-year-old concrete building with cracks in its walls, build on landfill over a tidal plain. The building shakes every time a loaded semi passes by, so every day is filled with little earthquakes so frequent I no longer notice them.

      I am super-duper-extra-colossal-Juan-de-Fucked :(

      • Villago Delenda Est

        With whipped cream and cherries on top!

      • Biel_ze_Bubba

        Keep a hard hat in your file cabinet, just in case. And maybe a bottle of water.

      • darnyoudarnyoutoheck

        My city has a handy map of liquefaction zones, and our lot seems to be on the border of one, so several times a year my husband and I debate whether the house will tip over and sink, or just tip over when the Big One comes.

        https://youtu.be/w2p1PG8Bjow

  • Good_Gawd_Yall

    I knew if we hung in there long enough, Kentucky could find a way it’s better than California. “Kentucky: At least we don’t have tsunamis.”

    • nothingisamiss

      Nope, still not better.

  • Dolono

    I ain’ a-scared o’ no plate!

    • Sharkey

      Yeah, they’re no match for a couple of shotgun blasts.

  • memzilla

    This is why they legalized bud.

    Back in Cold War days, I wanted to move to Manhattan because if you live in the center of the bullseye, you won’t have to deal with the aftermath. WIth the 30 minute launch time of a Soviet ICBM, that was enough time to do 25,000 mikes of STP and have War Sex!

    • Zippy

      25mg of STP? I don’t think so…

  • freakishlystrong

    Plate, schmate. I blame Republicans. Think of all those progressives who won’t be able to commit voter fraud. (We do this by not voting for them).

  • LarryHoudini

    Juan de Fuca?
    Sorry, I don’t even know you.

    • Vecciojohn

      I once made the mistake of introducing myself to a lesbian as a straight of Juan de Fuca.

    • Michael Smith

      If Chris Farley were here, he could do a gritty reboot of his El Nino sketch as “Juan de Fuca”

  • GunToting[Redacted]

    People laugh at me for living in Arizona at high elevation. Who’s laughing now, soon-to-be-dead people???

    • GunToting[Redacted]

      At least until the mega-quake triggers the supervolcano under Yellowstone, then the whole country will be Fuquaed.

      • Biel_ze_Bubba

        The one under Mammoth Lakes is the one that will nail Arizona.

      • darnyoudarnyoutoheck

        Oh (yawn) Washington State has a supervolcano too. Mt Rainier.

        http://geology.com/usgs/rainier/

    • Vecciojohn

      Yeah, but who will be stuck in Arizona, envying the dead?

      • Zippy

        we do that every summer- we’re used to it

  • exinkwretch

    My house in Oly is about 200 feet above sea level and safe from tsunamis if it’s still standing after the shaking. Plus, we’re upwind of the Yellowstone Caldera. If it goes first — suck it Midwest!

  • Callyson

    Snark off: I hope all of the tedious “people shouldn’t be living in Southern California in the first place! It’s a desert with no water and it’s not fit for habitation!!!” people read this, stat.

    PS: snark still off, hoping for the best for you PNW residents…

    • Vecciojohn

      Thanks. A gallon of Bull Run tap water is on its way to you.

  • PubOption

    The quake will do a lot more than rattle the Windows at the Microsoft HQ.

    • Villago Delenda Est

      I’m not sure a reboot will get the annoying paperclip guy to wiggle his eyebrows at you as intended.

  • Tallmutha

    I first made a dumb wisecrack about how I wished it would be Texas or Florida instead but then I realized I really don’t want this to happen anywhere, to anyone, and that existence is fucked up and bullshit.

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      Just change it to “If it has to happen, I’d rather it be Texas.” See? No guilt!

  • AngryBlakGuy

    …thanks for the early notice! Now the conservatives can take their time deciding exactly which one of “Gods Laws” we broke to deserve this!

    • Villago Delenda Est

      “Thou shall not vote for Ron Wyden, Patty Murray, Jeff Merkley, or Maria Cantwell, or thou shalt snuff it in mudslides and earthquakes.”

    • Michael Smith

      My money would be on gay marriage, because that’s most prominent in their mind. But I think the more nuanced ones might propose a critical mass of homosexuality, abortion, lack of school prayer, sex ed, the availability of contraceptives, twerking, racial mixing, Charles Darwin, nose piercings, businesses being open on Sundays, the lack of nativity scenes on municipal property during Christmastime, “creeping Sharia,” sushi being sold as a concession at major sporting events, Obama is the Anti-Christ, Pope Francis is the Anti-Christ and people paying too much attention to Kim Kardashian. Not necessarily in that order.

      • Villago Delenda Est

        Mind you, too, Oregon and Washington are pretty consistently in the top 5 “unchurched” states. We’re all godless heathens out here.

        • Michael Smith

          Oh that will definitely come into play.

          • Vecciojohn

            That and that “other thing” we do with Big Foot.

          • AngryBlakGuy

            …is it true what they say about shoe size?

          • Blank Ron

            I wish. *sighs as he regards his size 14s*

    • Vecciojohn

      Oh all right, I admit it! I’ve been having impure thoughts and touching myself in impure ways! God forgive me, it’s ALL MY FAULT!!!

      • Gleem-McShinez

        “I JUAN DE FUCA MYSELF!”

  • Belasaurius

    I have a couch, unfortunately it’s in Texas, so weight that before you ask. I am close to Austin if that helps soften the thought of living in Texas

  • House0fTheBlueLights

    What will the effect be on the smug superiority?

    • Vecciojohn

      As if you had a clue.

      • Biel_ze_Bubba

        Well played, sir!

    • Villago Delenda Est

      No effect. Because our superiority is for reals. Look how blue we are, for example!

  • Viva La Tabula Raza

    I guess it’s a more exciting of going out than dying of, say, piles.

  • Lizzietish81

    Actually we’ve known about this since the 2004 tsunami.

    You want to really shit your pants?

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oMH5YyJu8GQ

    • nmmagyar

      That was cheerful

      • Biel_ze_Bubba

        I like the high-tech special effects, especially “shake the camera to simulate a quake.”

        • nmmagyar

          I thought I was just seizing again

  • Vecciojohn

    Look on the bright side, fellow pdx-ers: no more hipsters!

  • Come here a minute

    What, no NSFW warning on the karaoke jerkoff link? WONKETTE YOU GOT ME FIRED!

    • Metadude

      You didn’t have to click on it!

    • Villago Delenda Est

      What the heck did you expect at such a link? Shari Lewis and Lambchop?

      • Gleem-McShinez

        Wait, it’s Lambchop porn?!?

        Asking for a friend

  • say wha

    What song was that guy singing in the karaoke video? Beat It?

    • Sharkey

      She Bop

    • Jen_Baker_VA

      anything by the Vapors mebbe?

      • Villago Delenda Est

        “I’m turning Japanese!”

    • Antimassacree

      The Stroke?

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      Come All Ye Faithful?

    • Gleem-McShinez

      Everybody Wang Chung Tonight

    • BackDoorMan

      Shock The Monkey?

  • Villago Delenda Est

    We’re well aware of this already, thank you. Also, too, just to our immediate east is an entire mountain range of volcanoes fixin’ got get all explody on us and lahar us clear to the Pacific Ocean, thank you very much.

    If you look at the Seattle metro area from space, you can see where Mt. Rainier did its thing in the past. All those suburbs just waiting to be swept away into Elliot Bay!

  • Mavenmaven

    Yes, but the conservatives are not afraid, because there’s one thing those scientists didn’t factor in: that’s right, Jesus, who loves America.

    • And God, who designed the Earth itself to sustain America.

      • Biel_ze_Bubba

        He left a few cracks in the foundation, but it passed inspection.

        • The Holy Spirit had to cut corners to get the low bid.

          • Biel_ze_Bubba

            “You have to expect some settling… it’s perfectly normal.”

  • Spotts1701

    That may put a wee damper on the Seahawks’ season.

    • Villago Delenda Est

      It’s nothing we can’t overcome, unlike braindead play selection on the fucking 1 yard line with 10 seconds left to go.

      • Biel_ze_Bubba

        With 10 seconds on the clock, Carroll realized that a pass play was the only way he’d get two chances to score. Credit Belichick’s stroke of genius in not calling a timeout, like everybody on the planet (except him) was expecting.

    • tihond

      Russell Wilson says God is causing the earthquake to make him play harder.

      • Zippy

        I’m pretty sure that Lynch talking to the press will be what triggers it

    • tihond

      Russell Wilson says God is causing the earthquake to make him play harder.

    • jviscont1

      this may be divine retribution for not giving the ball to Marshawn.

      • Antimassacree

        Did they really pass from the 1-yard line??

    • jviscont1

      this may be divine retribution for not giving the ball to Marshawn.

  • kindness

    But this piece doesn’t tell us where to buy now for new coastline homes in the near future!

    • Anarchy Pony

      About 45 feet up from wherever it is now.

  • Zippy

    It’s God’s way of punishing Seattle for raising the minimum wage

  • Swampgas_Man

    Eh. we can all just blame this on gai-marriage.

  • FauxAntocles

    Y’know, it could be the next plate over that breaks – you never know. The entire planet is like a cracked egg, it could buckle anywhere – though most likely a continental plate in this case.

    • the_steamer

      Whichever plate gives, the tsunami will be the same.

    • the_steamer

      Whichever plate gives, the tsunami will be the same.

  • Metadude

    So no more lesbian bookshop?

  • Zippy

    On the plus side- they can stop worrying about global warming…

  • Lady Bug

    Frances Farmer is finally getting her revenge on Seattle.

  • Dr.Zoidberg

    That still looks like it’s from 2012…also, I live in Wyoming, so I only have Yellowstone to worry about.

    • Lizzietish81

      I don’t know why you’re worried, you’ll die quickly.

      The rest of us will choke on ash or starve to death.

      • Anarchy Pony

        I’d like to believe most of the ash will blow east so we on the west coast won’t be to bad off. Have fun with that Midwesterners.

      • James Christopher Owen

        thanks…

    • Vecciojohn

      And bushwhackings by the Cheney clan.

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      You’ll have one hour to get 1,000 miles away. Good luck!

      • Blank Ron

        This wouldn’t be an issues if we HAD OUR DAMNED JET PACKS.

  • Logic of Color

    It’s all Obama’s fault

    • Vecciojohn

      He subducted the whole country!

  • Vecciojohn

    Listen to me, all you bedwetters, we are a hearty breed up here in Oregon and Washington and if an exploding mountain didn’t bother us a little 9.2 earthquake isn’t going to scare us off. Now as for those candy-asses over in Idaho . . . Well, I couldn’t possibly speculate.

    • Villago Delenda Est

      I mean, really. Those are people who are the target market for boob holsters, after all.

      • Vecciojohn

        Q: How many of you Idahoans does is take to screw in a light bulb?
        A: A what?

    • Anarchy Pony

      9.2 quake and accompanying tsunami is gonna be alot worse than an exploding mountain.

      • willi0000000

        Krakatoa?

        • Villago Delenda Est

          East of Java!

          (even though it’s only “East of Java” if you figure that out by traveling nearly all the way around the friggin’ planet.)

          • Lizzietish81

            We are all East of Java

        • TxSpinyLizrd

          No, just a twisted ankle, thanks.

  • Lizzietish81

    Also, as someone who has a degree in Earth Sciences and keeps up to date with Discovery Channel docs on this kind of thing, I freaken hate it when people say something is “Overdue” like these disasters happen on a schedule. They don’t. Yes, the odds increase the more time has passed, but it’s not like it HAS to go off every 2.25 centuries.

    • Jen_Baker_VA

      yes it does. Because, reasons
      Something something master plan of the universe and chaos theory and rocks

    • SecludedCompound

      I’m not a scientist, but I disagree with you.

      • Lizzietish81

        Are you serious or is this a joke about politicians saying “I’m not a scientist but…”?

        • Villago Delenda Est

          Poe’s Law. It’s a helluva drug.

        • SecludedCompound

          Ha, I thought about making it more obvious, adding a “™” or something. Sorry.

    • MrBlobfish

      Could all that shakin’ goin’ on trigger on of the volcanoes to blow?

      • Lizzietish81

        Possibly, but not likely. Eruptions are often preceded by earthquakes but they are the cause, not generally a reaction.

        eta: Eruptions are caused by pressure in the magma chamber, if the conditions are ripe for an eruption anyways, it’s possible a large enough quake could precipitate it. But a volcano that hasn’t belched for years and isn’t already showing signs of bursting isn’t going to suddenly come to life.

        • Anarchy Pony

          A quake can cause an eruption if the pressure within the magma chamber is great enough and the quake destabilizes the surrounding rock strata.
          That’s what blew St. Helens up. The quake destabilized the bulge which collapsed and allowed the eruption.

          • Lizzietish81

            But the quake was being caused by the pressure in the chamber. I mean the mountain was bulging. It wasn’t like, a random earth quake and it randomly made the volcano go off.

          • Anarchy Pony

            It’s kind of a chicken/egg situation.

          • Lizzietish81

            No, it’s not really.

    • JustPixelz

      “…a degree in Earth Sciences…”

      It only takes a few hours to read Genesis. What more did you possibly need to know?

      • Lizzietish81

        The punchline?

        • JustPixelz

          With respect to Earth science, the punchline is “42”.

    • Latverian Diplomat

      That’s way to scientific, we need something more along the lines of

      “like a balloon…and something bad happens” Philip J. Fry.

  • jviscont1

    up until this time, my experience with Cascadian subduction zones was limited to a sleazy massage parlor near the SeaTac airport. the bulging upward and eastward compression will cost you extra however.

  • tihond

    This is Great News! For Boise!

    • Villago Delenda Est

      Prime beachfront property in Ada County!

  • Respiteini

    Is this like a huge version of that Yo La Tengo concert disaster that the Onion wrote about a few years ago? Millions and millions of plastic-rimmed glasses in a tangled heap on the sea floor?

  • calliecallie

    Feel free to come to Michigan. We have much low-cost available real estate, and abundant shark-free fresh water coastlines. You laugh now, but when the Pacific Northwest falls into the ocean, California is on fire, and Florida and the Eastern Seaboard are under water from melting arctic ice, I’ll be here. I’ll keep a light on for you.
    (Unless a republican wins in 2016, then I’m moving to another country, like I said before.)

    • Suse

      But don’t you have that yoooge fungus growing underground?

      • calliecallie

        I genuinely had not heard of this, so I googled it. An apparently, yes, we have a humungous fungus! It is on the western edge of the UP, so it might as well be in Wisconsin. 37 acres, which is really just a smidge of the state. Oregon has a 65 acre underground fungus anyway. (That google is really something.)

        • Anarchy Pony

          The humongous fungus is actually rather beneficial from an ecological standpoint.

  • Notreelyhelping

    And, y’know…it’ll probably rain that day too.

    • Antimassacree

      Potable water!

      • Biel_ze_Bubba

        For anybody who still has pots.

        • Antimassacree

          I’d heard they had lots of different pots in the PNW.

        • Lascauxcaveman

          We all have plenty of pot, now it’s available legally.

          I know that’s not the same thing, but it’s a comfort.

    • Seattle Rain

      I smile at the rain. ?

  • I always knew the kids with their grunge music would lead to disaster.

  • SnarkOff

    Sounds like you people out west are totally Fuca’d.

    • Dreaming Vertebrate

      Without Apple phones, we all will be.

    • Biff52

      Fat Upper Cascadia Area?

  • Dreaming Vertebrate

    So, … giant tsunami and another massive flood?!
    I thought gawd offereded a new covenant, promising not to do that again.
    What a scheming liar!

    • SnarkOff

      Two words: GAY MARRIAGE.

    • SnarkOff

      Two words: GAY MARRIAGE.

      • Latverian Diplomat

        Yeah, using a rainbow flag is kind of rubbing His nose in it.

        As the good book says, do not taunt Happy Fun Ball Yahweh.

    • Anarchy Pony

      He just promised not to flood the whole world. Large parts of it are still game. He’s a dick like that.

  • Biff52

    So you’re saying Juan de Fuca is a bottom, then?

    I’d offer my couch, but you must be aware that the Long Valley Caldera is likely to blow about the same time as the Cascadia quake, and I’m right in the deposition zone.

  • Biff52

    So you’re saying Juan de Fuca is a bottom, then?

    I’d offer my couch, but you must be aware that the Long Valley Caldera is likely to blow about the same time as the Cascadia quake, and I’m right in the deposition zone.

  • VandeGraf

    And I suppose this will happen with or without SCOTUS approval? They were doing so well, but this natural world thing– and geological physics!!!– is just too much for anyone. Time to call a cab.

  • VandeGraf

    And I suppose this will happen with or without SCOTUS approval? They were doing so well, but this natural world thing– and geological physics!!!– is just too much for anyone. Time to call a cab.

  • MrBlobfish

    Tax cuts for the rich will soften the blow.

    • tihond

      It always does.

    • cousin itt

      But what if I don’t care for soft blows?

  • tihond

    Donald Trump has called the fault-line a “total loser” and threatened to sue it.

    • Villago Delenda Est

      Oh, great. Another twitter slap fight is in the offing.

    • Zippy

      mebe he could build a wall along the beach- I hear he’s pretty good at it

    • Relativicus

      Juan de Fuca is decidedly un-Trump.

  • Jen_Baker_VA

    Hrm, when these 7mil+ folk all decide to relocate with their plaid shirts and subarus and fancy coffee, could we funnel them all in to texas?
    I just wanna see the asplosion.

    • FauxAntocles

      That could trigger a nuclear winter.

      • Anarchy Pony

        Might make texas tolerable.

    • FauxAntocles

      That could trigger a nuclear winter.

    • Villago Delenda Est

      I’m not too concerned. I live about 6 miles west of I-5, so I’m already designated as toast.

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      They won’t get far, on foot, in 15 miinutes, so Texas has nothing to worry about.
      Surfers living on the coast might as well paddle out and enjoy the ride.

    • Lascauxcaveman

      It won’t be all that bad, there’s room for us in Austin, isn’t there?

    • Anarchy Pony

      Why do you think we live here? Because it’s not hot. Why would we want to go to the hot?

  • Joshua Norton

    I always thought the Juan de Fuca plate came with 2 enchiladas and a tostada.

    • TxSpinyLizrd

      And if you’re in a Mexican restaurant in Seattle, it’s served by a waiter named Sven.

  • 24601

    Shhh. Nobody tell Palin.

    • Villago Delenda Est

      Don’t tell Piyush, either, as volcano monitoring is a total waste of money, unlike say watching for hurricanes.

    • chicken thief

      She can see Juan de Fuca from her porch. At least she thinks that’s the name of the guy currently fucking Briz.

  • SecludedCompound

    Okay, so I work in Big Pink in downtown Portland, and this is the one thing that scares me to death existentially. If Our Phallic Symbol goes limp with me in it, I’m going to be terrified for about 5 seconds.

    • Vecciojohn

      When I worked in the old GP building, back when Mr. Georgia and Mr. Pacific were both still alive, I used to console myself with the thought of how many asshole lawyers would die with me when the big one hit. Think cheerful thoughts, is what I’m saying.

      • SecludedCompound

        Yeah, think of it as a culling, good call.

      • Anarchy Pony

        What do you call 1000 lawyers at the bottom of the ocean? A good start.

        • Vienna Woods

          How many lawyers does it take to grease a combine harvester?
          One, but you feed him through real slow.

          • CSRS

            What do you call a bus full of lawyers at the bottom of the ocean with one empty seat?

            A missed opportunity.

  • Lizzietish81

    Btw, the effects of tsunamis can be mitigated by allowing swampland to return on the coast.

  • Skwerl King

    “I don’t have any idea whether it will blow… But I don’t believe it to the point that I’m going to pack up.” – Harry Randall Truman

    https://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/thumb/3/34/Sthelensharrytruman.jpg/220px-Sthelensharrytruman.jpg

    • Lizzietish81

      I feel worse for the cats frankly.

    • Villago Delenda Est

      Good old Harry. RIP under a shitton of ash.

    • emmelemm

      He died doing what he loved… being obstinate.

      (Snark off, though, that sucks AND I felt bad for the cats.)

  • janecita

    You guys can camp out in my basement, my husband is almost done building the wine cellar, so you will able to drown your sorrows in alcohol. First Jersey joke though, and your asses will be out on the street!

    • Suttree

      Exit 148 represent!

  • JohnR

    Thanks Obama

  • timpundit

    “Evacuate NOW”

    I think I just did.

    • Antimassacree

      I think this was the funniest comment of the week. Thanks for a good laugh.

  • John Norris

    So the Ghey Plate, Juan de Fuca, is force cramming tectonics down the North American Plate’s throat. All’s fine until the gag reflex hits. My question: is this the Teaparty Jesus’ punishment?

    Also, is FEMA Region X headquartered under a closed Walmart in Seattle?

    • Jus_Wonderin

      Regarding FEMA, is it appropriate, in this case, to have potable water positioned for immediate distribution???

      • Relativicus

        Other than whatever stores they have, my guess is no because I think FEMA is generally a reactive agency that can only act once the responsible people in charge order them to. Maybe there’s a chance if someone could point and say “the earthquake will occur Friday morning at 0430” but otherwise I don’t think so.

      • Angry_Cop

        They used to do this. They don’t anymore. The gutting of FEMA since the early 1990s is one of the more shameful chapters in recent US government history (for my money, the other is the criminal defunding of NASA).

        Nowadays, and I’m totally serious, they contract that job out to WalMart.

    • TheBidenator

      Much like with any question about Mt. Rainer destroying Orting with a mud slide or Yellowstone exploding, FEMA’s answer to being asked if they have a plan for this event is, “Huh? Uhmm…..no….”

      • Villago Delenda Est

        I’m more concerned about Sumner, myself.

  • 24601

    We need Trump to build a yooooge wall along the coastline. Nobody builds walls like Trump!

    • tinker12

      Yeah, and make Juan de Fuca pay for it.

  • Tracy

    You’re all welcome to come to Illinois. We have fine craft beer and surprisingly good baseball (so far). Only downside is that our economy is just slightly better than Greece’s.

    • nmmagyar

      As someone who hhas actually spent time in the mid-west during summer and winter: “thanks, but I’ll take my chances elsewhere”

  • Badbadger

    I assume that I will be fine since I live 8 blocks east of I-5, or in the “non-toast” zone.

    • TheBidenator

      Don’t be so sure, if it’s shallow you’ll still get your butter churned and then within a few years, your local volcano might erupt thanks to the magma chamber getting shaken like a bottle of champagne…that’s the other shoe to drop. The cascades were really active in the 18th and 19th Centuries…

      • Badbadger

        I have one of the over-sized umbrellas, so I’m still good.

        • TheBidenator

          Good idea, if an anvil or a safe falls on you then you’re totally safe.

          • Blank Ron

            Grand pianos also, too.

        • TheBidenator

          Good idea, if an anvil or a safe falls on you then you’re totally safe.

    • Relativicus

      Why I bet, excepting the seven million people who show up looking to sleep on your couch (hope it’s a pull-out), you probably won’t even notice it until you hear about the event on the news.

    • Lascauxcaveman

      If you mean on top of Capitol Hill, or the hillsides of west Renton, you might just be high up enough to survive. Haul a lawn chair up on the roof with a 12-pack of Elysian IPA and enjoy your view of the local apocalypse.

  • jack_o_bee4u

    Yay! I get to move in with Dok and turn Idaho blue!

  • Notreelyhelping

    Yeah, but they didn’t even talk about Grand Coulée or Hanford.

  • TheBidenator

    Oh, ha…we in the PAC-NW have known about the Cascadia fault and discussion of the possible megathrust for years now, the rest of you are just reading about it now? But it won’t just be Oregon and Washington if that goes along the entire Juan De Fuca trench, it’ll also get B.C and Northern California as well. Suffice it say if you have ‘canoes in your proximity and you’re on the West Coast this quake is for you…except for some reason, Alaska. But we don’t like sharing with them, even misery….

    • elviouslyqueer

      I’m sorry. I had to stop reading after “megathrust” and head to my bunk.

      • TheBidenator

        If you need something to drag your mind out of the gutter, read Kaili’s writing about Rick Santorum implied sexy times…you’ll never think of sex again.

    • Anarchy Pony

      They were happy to share their tsunami with us in 64.

    • Blank Ron

      BC? BC? We can’t lose BC, that’s where they make ‘My Little Pony’!

  • The New Yorker explains that this could happen in two ways

    I read that as “two days”. Which…I suppose is true?

  • fgbndslndr

    I have a friend who works in emergency preparedness on the Lower Mainland (Vancouver, Richmond, etc.). It’s quite a bracing experience to drive around town with her while she points out all the areas that will be liquefied when the Big One or the Really Big One hits.

  • arglebargle

    Juan de Fuca? Sounds Messican to me, and way up there Seattle way. Anyone seen his papers? Has Trump been notified?

  • Would that be at Dok’s new beachfront property?

  • elviouslyqueer

    Y’all are all welcome to come south to Mississippi, if nothing else but to give all our redneck Southern Baptists a collective coronary.

  • elviouslyqueer

    In Seattle, Juan Fuca’s you.

  • Last Hussar

    Um. Fuck?
    EVERYTHING west of I-5? Including California, or is it mostly the North West?

    It won’t affect me directly – given I live about 9000 miles east of I5 (I have been all the way to Land’s End though). Its just, um, World Economy if California is destroyed. Not to diminish the effects of millions of deaths, but that may just be a drop in the ocean.

    Of course no doubt this will be proof of God Hates Gays.

    • Villago Delenda Est

      Mostly NW. I-5 veers inland as it moves north in LA. However, a big quake in the Cascadia subduction zone will be felt probably as far south as San Francisco, and as far north as Juneau. Most of the pain will be between Eugene and Vancouver. Extra helpings for Seattle.

      Let’s just say that your next Windows update will be, um, delayed a bit.

    • TheBidenator

      No, just the Northern section…the Juan de Fuca trench (the Cascadia subduction zone) ends shortly after you pass Lassen Peak. The populous section of California will be spared the worst stuff though the coastal section will still get smashed by a tsunami, that can’t really be helped. All in all California will suffer the least…

    • natoslug

      I’m pretty sure this will be proof God hates Darrell Issa. That’s my interpretation, at least.

  • Last Hussar

    Also why aren’t we calling this Juan big Fuca?

    • tinywriting

      It’s YOOOOGGGGGEEE!!!

  • chicken thief

    This sounds like science. So bullshit. Jesus didn’t found these glorious United Stated just to let some wetback ruin the Space Needle.

  • Gleem-McShinez

    Alright everybody in Seattle, NO MORE JACKHAMMERING

    • Brewerofbeers

      Is that the new fad? Like “artisan toast?”

  • a_pink_poodle

    Suckers! I live in Bothell; EAST of I-5!

    • Villago Delenda Est

      You’re already being punished for your sins!

      • a_pink_poodle

        NOOOOOOO

  • Antimassacree

    A rupture in the Fuca area does sound pretty bad.

  • Angry_Cop

    I’d be keeping an eye on that gigantic volcanic bomb Seattle has sitting a few miles to the east as well.

    • Anarchy Pony

      More of a threat to tacoma.

      • Villago Delenda Est

        Sumner, gateway to Orting, is right in the middle of the path Orting will take as it moves towards Commencement Bay.

        • tinker12

          Damn shame, both Sumner and Orting are cute little towns. I used to live in Bonney Lake which is on a plateau above Sumner and the tsunami evacuation road went right in front of my house.

    • TheBidenator

      Eh, in terms of violent Cascade volcanoes Rainier is pretty mild in terms of violence…the worst hazards are lahars of which Rainiers can be enormous. But chances are unless Rainiers summit fails again it would produce a lahar large enough to actually threaten Seattle…
      In terms of violence, Washington’s most violent is Glacier Peak.

  • DahBoner
    • mtn_philosoph

      Thank you, thank you, and I hope we pass the audition!

  • Msgr_Moment

    “It’s [in] the water”

  • Biel_ze_Bubba

    “A silly waste of money on useless science.”
    -Bobby Jindal

  • DahBoner

    Don’t feel so smug, Least Coasters.

    There’s a volcano off Africa that’s got your tsu-name-i on it.
    http://nymag.com/daily/intelligencer/2011/03/oh_by_the_way_an_enormous_tsun.html

    • mtn_philosoph

      A few hundred miles inland from the coast and up in the rugged high country thick with centuries-old untamed forest that hobbles 18th century British army columns and 21st century prison escapees where nobody lives except giant invisible shapeshifting serpent-like creatures who spout sarcasm and bad puns.

  • Olav_Pompatus

    THANKS, OBAMA!!!

  • Anarchy Pony

    The really bad news is not the earthquake, it’s the tsunami. The nice thing about this is it gives my paranoid survivalist tendencies a slight veneer of legitimacy.

    • Villago Delenda Est

      Hawaii should be concerned, because a wall of hurt will be headed in their general direction.

      • Anarchy Pony

        The wall of hurt will probably be headed to everybody in the Pacific.

        • Villago Delenda Est

          Look out, New Zealand!

        • Blank Ron

          On the plus side, the surfing at The Barriers or Sunshine Coast will be the bomb!

  • OneYieldRegular

    I certainly hope they’ll be installing “In case of emergency, watch this Japanese karaoke game show” boxes on every Seattle street corner.

  • OrdinaryJoe

    Jerry Brown has already started printing the Welcome to California posters to publish in Washington. The people there are mostly transplants from Califas anyway and they have always been relatively civil to their former neighbors. Besides, there are good businesses there to save. As for Oregon? You are on your own you California hating suckers.

    • Villago Delenda Est

      A healthy group of Californicators moved north…the Bend area is lousy with them.

  • SillyBilly

    Hey..dont forget Humboldt Nation…think of the weed that will be lost

    • natoslug

      I’m hoping here in Humboldt they can swap out the 101 for the 5.

      • SillyBilly

        not gonna help me

  • jesuswasablack

    Juan de Fuca plate

    Awesome dish, hold the onions!

  • ButchWagstaff

    This is bullshit. It’s not in the Bible.

    • Blank Ron

      Plus I don’t think Mormon Jesus ever got west of Lake Ontario.

  • BeliTsari

    So, then the Big Lots will still be right down the street from Trader Joe’s, in Portland? YAY… Go JESUS!

  • savethispatient

    FEMA better be stockpiling coffee and WiFi, dammit!
    And, as someone who lives a mile East of the I5, we’re sure that the I5 is the definitive dividing line, right?

    • Villago Delenda Est

      Give or take a few blocks, yah.

    • Chick_Tract_Fil_A

      For those any more to the west, you have my deepest sympathy. And my thanks for the ocean-side property in Las Vegas.

    • Rick Hill

      We pledge to ship them any spare bandwidth we don’t use for the month. It’s the least we could do. Coffee, now. Nope. No extra of that, sorry.

    • Krat

      Being a geologist myself, getting a definitive statement from a geologist is as likely as herding cats. So yeah, it’s the I5 give or take 5 miles or more, depending on energy released in the quake, duration of, actual location of, geometry of the fault slip, tidal conditions, local shoreline topography, local inland topography, etc., etc…

    • anniegetyerfun

      I was totally just mapping that. I used to be right beside I5. Now I think I am 2 or 3 miles east.

      • Blank Ron

        And accelerating?

    • r m reddicks

      Worked well (a little bit) in NOLA after Katrina. Just don’t let the cops aboard.

  • whitroth

    No! I have friends and family living or moving that way. Not supposed to happen.

    It’s LA that’s supposed to go into the ocean, don’t they know *anything*?

    mark

  • whitroth

    Actually, thinking about it… wonder if the shock waves would be strong enough to bounce the supervolcano under Yellowstone….

    mark “I’m just *full* of good cheer!”

    • timpundit

      I was wondering not only that but all the other faults small and large nearby.

    • Rick Hill

      No. Obama’s plans for that eruption are way down the line. He has to destroy America a little more, first.

      • Portia Elm

        the corps have to do all their “profit-taking” before they let Nature finish us off.

    • Candy Apple

      Errr….I’m in the kill zone for that volcano. This is taking all the fun out of the apocalypse.

      • House0fTheBlueLights

        We are ALL in the kill zone for that volcano.

  • Official Teabagger

    Will Teabaggers have sufficient time to evacuate by speeding away on their Hoverounds?

    • BeliTsari

      Nah, after clogging the highways escaping the quake, they’ll all be back to stand their ground looters, right as the tsunami sweeps over their RAM 1600s?

  • timpundit

    “Juan de Fuca plate (which is under the ocean) …”

    Any second now Trump will get into a twitter war with a tectonic plate. And still probably lose.

  • SigDeFlyinMonky

    I want flood basalts too. For the full geological apocalypse experience!

    • cousin itt

      Deccan Traps libel. Siberia, also too.

    • Lizzietish81

      There were some going off in Iceland earlier this year.

  • Villago Delenda Est

    The upside of such a calamity is that the Fighting Fashion Nightmares will never again scar your eyes with Nike’s idea of sports attire.

  • Gorillionaire

    No doubt the GOP has a “free market” solution to this that would settle everything if it weren’t for the Kenyan usurper in the White House.

    • Rick Hill

      It would be something along the lines of cutting aid to the poor to pay for disaster assistance and allowing insurance companies off the hook for policies for a small campaign contribution.

    • It’s called “the full Jindal”, and doesn’t include something called ‘Volcano Monitoring’.

  • Lot_49

    Guess that’s why we haven’t heard from weejee for a while. He’s probably down there trying to steel-wood the rust off those plates so they slide more smoothly.

  • Bitter Scribe

    If God made the world for man, is He just a very bad do-it-yourselfer?

  • Msgr_Moment

    This is an Ursula K. LeGuin novel, right?

  • Surviving Northwest Wonkettes can crash on my couch – at least until our nuclear bomb finally explodes.

  • RevZafod

    Evacuate. [with your feet]

    NOW!

    Or

    Evacuate. [in your pants]

    LATER!

  • Anarchy Pony

    Cape Mendocino gets a minor rumble just about every week, so that end of the plate must still be moving.

    • Tess

      Check one of the seismic sites – there are multiple earthquakes every day in the PNW, from a whole heck of a lot of sources (faults, fractures, active volcanoes, etc). It’s just that most of them are either out where there are few people or too small to be felt by very many people.

      http://pnsn.org/earthquakes/recent

  • I’m literally moving to Portland at the end of the month.

    Hopefully, it’ll be there when I get there.

    • Villago Delenda Est

      Well, in one form or another, yes. If some Juan de Fuca action happens, it won’t look precisely like the Chamber of Commerce brochure.

      • It’ll definitely help to “Keep Portland Weird!”

    • John Lupien

      There is a large error bar in the predicted timing and size. The reports don’t mention this,

      but “everybody panic” seems to get the best ratings. The amazing precision of the 243

      year prediction prompts me to ask for the standard deviation please.

      This next time coming of the big subduction could be anywhere on the scale of

      prior events plus or minus some margin, both in timing and in magnitude.

      My optimistic viewpoint is that each event has a 50% chance of being less intense

      than average. The interactions of the tectonic plates are very complex, huge tracts of land

      have to move around now and then, but half the time it’s just a volcano in some farmer’s

      corn field. Obviously if this happens in Iowa there is an issue.

      https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Par%C3%ADcutin

  • Vienna Woods

    Being from Ontario, it totally freaked me out to find “in case of earthquake” instructions in motel rooms on the west coast.

    • richardgrabman

      Move to Mexico City if you want to be freaked out by earthquake warning instructions.

    • Blank Ron

      Amusingly, I never felt any sort of earth movement on my three visits to the left coast. However, I HAVE felt two quakes IN ONTARIO. Clearly, the Earth is trolling me.

  • jmk

    So… reading the article, I actually paused and sat back in my chair and gasped when I read this: “Counting from the earthquake of 1700, we are now three hundred and fifteen years into a two-hundred-and-forty-three-year cycle.”

    • Tess

      Except the actual interval is between 300-600 years or as long (maybe) as 800 years. Events that affected shorelines are easier to to date than events in a core sample, plus many of the events happened when sea level was 300-400 feet below where it is now.

      So: we are either overdue or we have at least couple hundred years to go. Choose wisely, grasshopper!

      • bobbert

        Would it have killed the New Yorker to give us the standard deviation?

    • anniegetyerfun

      Yes, that assumes a regular interval.

  • Candy Apple

    I live in Utah, but I am still coming to Dok’s Subduction Zone Apocalypse Sleepover ’15, mainly because I want a ride in Vlad the Impala.

    • BaddTicker

      If you’re here and I’m here, that means about a fifth of all Utah liberals post on worksite. Cool.

  • Walter Wellstone

    I would rather die in Seattle than move to Omaha and live. Nebraska sucks.

  • cousin itt

    I’ve already seen this movie. “Our operating assumption is that everything west of Interstate 5 will be toast.”

    • House0fTheBlueLights

      This is an awesome movie. Girl scientists, dead movie stars, Tommy Lee Jones, and the never-used LA subway system is a freakin’ volcano. And the dog doesn’t die. Movies just don’t get better than that.

  • Swampay

    Meh. I was 8 the first time they tried to convince us that we were doomed to imminent earthquake destruction (California was supposed to fall into the sea). Pretty immune to it by now. Also, too, I’m only 6 blocks west of I-5, so I can get to safety pretty easily.

    But seriously, I’m kinda thinking that Puget Sound will mitigate the impact of a tsunami from Tacoma to Vancouver BC. The big ocean tsunami will mostly crash against the Olympic peninsula and Vancouver Island (and some through the Straights of Juan de Fuca) and the Sound won’t generate a big enough tsunami to do nearly as much damage.

    • Tess

      A tsunami needs a confined area to run up (like, say, the Puget Sound) to generate height. Or an area that shallows. Look at pics from the 1963 Good Friday Quake in Alaska and the damage it did in bays, fjords, etc down the Pacific coast.

      • Swampay

        Huh, thanks.

      • sw19womble

        Yep. Sucks to live in Port Renfrew on Vancouver Island.

    • r m reddicks

      I wasn’t born when they declared the war to end all wars, either. But I don’t worry about it. Your physics might be a little off. Just saying.

  • PDX Realness

    As a native of the dreariest city in the country, where we have the nation’s highest rate of antidepressant use *and* a functioning Goth club, I think we’re ready. Imminent death got nothing on Portland.

  • Hardly Ideal

    Man, most of my Warcraft buddies and I live up and down the West Coast. Hopefully we’ll be okay; we’ve got our preparations, and used to this kind of thing.

    Also, those San Andreas movies are full of crap. It’s a TRANSFER fault, you ignoramuses! Plates sliding PAST each other for the most part. I should make my own earthquake movie, with blackjack and hookers!

    • House0fTheBlueLights

      Don’t you go messin’ with bad science disaster movies. I LOVE bad science disaster movies.

      • Hardly Ideal

        And who doesn’t? I’ve just heard the whole “California Falls into the Ocean” meme my whole life, with some people spouting it like it’s science fact. Sticks in my craw as a native, I guess.

        • Notreelyhelping

          And if California slips into the ocean
          Like the Mystics and statistics say it will
          I predict this hotel will be standing
          Until I pay my bill
          –Warren Zevon

        • Steely_Fan

          California tumbles into the sea
          That’ll be the day I go back to Annandale
          ~SD: My Old School

          • Zippy

            we used to cover that song

      • Blank Ron

        Irwin Allen bad or Roland Emmerich bad?

  • cousin itt

    OK, I think I got this one guys–the Earth just needs a homeopathic cure. See, if we place a 50 megaton nuclear fusion device in every one of the area Starbucks and detonate them at the same time, the energy above ground will negate the energy of below ground and then, no worries.

  • anniegetyerfun

    No lie, I am going to grad school to try to get our fucking government in shape to plan for this kind of thing.

    • Gleem-McShinez

      You mean jerk-off karaoke, right?
      We will need some people with arms in pretty good shape, depending on the length of the songs.

      • r m reddicks

        Length of something.

  • Charles Cates

    I’m still moving there, possibly by next summer. There’s a small town in Washington next to the Oregon border, across from the town of Astoria at the mouth of the Columbia river. I fully expect a magnitude 9.0 quake there as soon as I’ve settled in.

    • SisterArtemis

      Those are nice little towns, Charles. You’ll enjoy it for the first 20 minutes, you know, before The Quaking. Maybe I’ll float on up from Eugene on my milk-jug/duct tape/bungee cord survival raft and wave at ya!

      • Charles Cates

        Several years ago I thought a place between Eugene and Corvalis would be perfect. I could use the libraries at both schools and there’s that road that goes to the coast. From what I understand some folks were big pot growers in that big forest area before the coast.
        Not that’s there’s anything wrong with that. I thought about checking out this place on the way up: http://oaksterdamuniversity.com/

        • r m reddicks

          Looks like SisterArtemis has your back.

        • SisterArtemis

          wow…. just… wow

  • Objectifer

    Meh. Yellowstone super volcano or GTFO!

  • Tansy Geek

    I wandered in late as always, but has anyone mentioned how this might effect all those active volcanos in that same area?

    • crummett

      Earthquakes and volcanoes have different triggers. Both are fricking scary, but one does not guarantee the other.

      • Boscoe

        If I were a conservative, I would “prove” you wrong by holding up a can of soda, saying it represents an volcano, shaking it vigorously (representing a earthquake, KEEP UP WILLYA!), then popping the top, sploding soda/lava all over the place. Then I’d smirk at you smugly and go “Derp” because that’s how Republicans do the science all commonsense-like.

        • Herasmus B. Lyon

          Also, if it’s God’s will, sure, our volcanoes could pop off right along with the Cascadian Subduction Zone.

        • So the earthquake jerks off the volcano until it blows its load. Is it singing karaoke at the time?

  • Me not sure

    I just don’t need another doomsday scenario in my life right now.

    • Lizzietish81

      I won’t tell you about gamma ray bursts then

      • Me not sure

        Fuck no, you won’t.

        • Blank Ron

          Surely the possibility of Hulkification would make you change your mind?

          • Me not sure

            Recalculating.

  • Poly_Ester

    God won’t let this happen, but if he does its because of the gays.

    • And abortion. Don’t forget that.

  • sw19womble

    Luckily my cottage is up on a hill…. Bingo! Instant waterfront property!

  • georgiaburning

    Good news: This will probably have no effect on Microsoft technical support.
    Bad news: This will probably have no effect on Microsoft technical support.

  • TxSpinyLizrd

    Ok, you wonketeers can crash on my couch in Texas, as long as you stop in Issaquah on your way out of town and pick up Boehm’s chocolates.

    • Herasmus B. Lyon

      Will do. Oh, wait, Texas? Sorry. I don’t go to Texas for nuttin’

  • Comrade Wingtardd 5467p

    I just had some foundation work done and now this?

  • mampdx

    Let’s start a pool as to which will hit first – the Cascadia Subduction Zone quake or the also-due-any-day Yellowstone Caldera eruption (which will make a big chunk of the Rocky Mountain West and the Midwest into very ashy toast), At least I’m east of Interstate 5…

  • r m reddicks

    Are you saying that this is going to interrupt a woman giving me a hand job while I’m singing karaoke? Please be clear before I evacuate. If I were living in the zone. Don’t be because I’m not and I wouldn’t want to interrupt the tune.

  • NoniMausa

    Oh dear. And of course there’s things like the great Shasta Dam, plus I believe there are some potential volcanos around there…

    Off to write to a friend in Seattle.

  • Sheesko

    Oh no! The Itty Bitty Kitty Committee (Google it, you will thank me) is doomed!

  • sillyclucker

    You can come stay on my couch, but I live in GA…and…well…ok, you may just want to take your chances with the earthquake.

  • NorfolkAndWay

    Wanda Fuca, we hardly knew ye

  • Jake Harper

    Juan De Fuca translates to “Wandering Fucker” As in “This WANDERING FUCKER of a tectonic plate is going to goddamn KILL US ALL!!” Oh well, I’ve seen Seattle; it was nice, as will be all that new beach front property in Spokane…

  • Ilgattomorte

    I’m in the Philly area. You can all come stay with me. We have a guest room, but I hope you don’t like cats (we don’t really hate cats, it’s just a thing for the Internets).

  • Droogs

    Soooo … what you’re saying is, we’re all living on a gigantic diving board?

  • Dee Andee

    Well shit! I wanted to retire to Brookings, Oregon. But then, going someplace to live until I keel over…kinda will happen, earthquake or not. Might be worth it.

  • FutureFox

    Nothing new. It’s all a matter of when.

  • cousin itt

    I am certain that Congress has fully funded and staffed the USGS and FEMA to deal with just such an emergency.

  • Seattle Rain

    Earthquakes? Tsunami?

    No problem, we have legal weed.

  • Mormos

    meh, the yellowstone supervolcano is about 40,000 years overdue for an eruption too, and if that fucker goes off say goodbye to the western US.

  • Shoto

    We get some Babby Jeezuz Rapture type stuff out of this earthquake / tsunami deal, right?

  • But if we ARE all going to die, at least we get to do it at the hand of the most awesomely named fault ever. “I Juan de Fuca you up, Seattle!”

  • UnsaltedSinner

    That’s very interesting. Now, about those Japanese game shows…

  • Denys Usynin

    Okay I read the same article as everyone else, but unlike everyone else I did not perceive it as alarmist. It was a well researched piece of journalism, so every claim it made it backed up with some numbers. And if you look at the numbers, they are NOT scary.

    The chances of a big earthquake in the next 50 years are 1 in 3. What it means is that it is UNLIKELY that a noticeable earthquake will strike North West.

    The odds of a VERY big earthquake in the next 50 years? 1 in 10. Which means it’s VERY UNLIKELY that a devastating earthquake will hit.

    The projects deaths are also not anywhere close to Indonesia tsunami scale, they are tens of thousands for the whole Northwest, where millions and millions live. So for any individual living in the Northwest, dying in an earthquake is EXTREMELY UNLIKELY – you should worry more about cars, cancers and blood pressure, if you want something to worry about.

    So individuals should not be scared. However, society should be aware of these odds, and they are sufficiently high to merit some preparedness.

  • jinkiesshaggy

    This is not news to us, doesn’t change a thing.

  • Lazy Media

    Ah, what the hell. You’re gonna die of something; might as well be something interesting.

  • gingerland62

    Growing up on the edge of a continent has had it’s drawbacks, but I wouldn’t trade it for anything. Growing up Catholic during the nuclear/cold war era made me think the world was going to end in my lifetime anyway so no bigs.

  • Luce_Cannon

    And when those evacuees come knockin’, I’ma just be all, “remember those weekend barbecues you didn’t invite me to, Seattle? Remember my dinner party you flaked on half an hour before because ‘something came up’?” Yeah.

  • vegasdude

    Yet nobody mentions this event causing the collapse of the rotten western flank of Mt Rainier… literally burying everything in it’s path by a 30 foot high Lahar, all the way to Puget Sound… Nice…

    • DutchS

      Pretty much all volcanoes are rotten inside. After Mount St. Helens, vulcanologists began wondering how often stuff like that happens. Real often. Something over 200 collapses now known. You slap together a mound of alternating lava and mudflows, like painting a board, slathering mud on it, repainting, etc., then you circulate acidic fluids through it. It’s pretty fragile. Very scenic, but pretty fragile. Take I-5 north past Mount Shasta and you get a great overview of huge isolated hills. Those were part of Mount Shasta until it collapsed 300,000 years ago.

  • Dr. Krieger IRL

    How did I miss this article? This is geology, my schtick!
    One thing to bear in mind is that this is something impending in geological time, so it could happen right this moment or decades down the road. It also may not happen at all, given the composition of the rocks in that area, they may be low-enough friction that they’re allowing gentle progressive release of the stress over time.
    Unfortunately, tectonic activity still isn’t something we have the ability to monitor and predict. Nonetheless, there’s enough room for speculation that the History Channel could write a fear-mongering special about how all of the PNW is doomed to die RIGHT NOW!! or just more inane shit about space-alien Nazis in pawn shops.

  • DutchS

    NOBODY has apparently caught that the image is from “2012,” not “San Andreas” (AKA Plains, Trains and Automobiles meet 2012). Seriously, as a geologist, the Cascadia thing is a big deal and the quotes are all accurate. All the coastal highways up there have tsunami evacuation signs (get your butt to high ground and we’ll sort it out once everything settles down).

  • Linda

    Hi,

    I see this type disaster only in movie not in real and never hear about this

    Regards
    Linda

  • Bo Mathis

    I’m not worried, my insurance is paid up.

  • kartika

    Well we can relax as it all gone now, I guess
    Kartik

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