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While most political candidates at least like to pretend that it is Not Cool to attack their opponents’ families, Rick Santorum thinks it is not only Totally Cool but also necessary so voters will know what they’re getting themselves into:

Spouses matter. I saw that repeatedly with Republican presidents. When your spouse is not in-sync with you, particularly on cultural issues, moral issues — what I’ve seen over time is that presidents as well as members of Congress tend not to be as active on those issues. Not to say they are going to change their positions. They rarely to my knowledge change their positions. They tend not to do things that put them out there, fighting this fight, when they know they’re going to… have some disharmony at home.

This was in response to a question about Scott Walker’s wife, Tonette, who recently declined to offer full-throated support of her husband’s call for a constitutional amendment allowing states to ban marriage equality. See, she has this lesbian cousin who has been lesbian-partnered for 18 years, and she likes this lesbian cousin a whole lot, so she’s pretty “torn” on whether her cousin should have equal rights, even if she is a bulldagger. Quite the moral quandary!

For Santorum, this is evidence enough that even if Scott Walker does not currently have a closeted plan to give away taxpayer-funded handjobs to all the The Gays — yet — it sure would be hard for Walker to be good at presidenting what with his wife bitch-nagging at him over dinner every night in the East Wing, demanding that Walker treat her beloved clam-munching cousin like she is some kind of equal U.S. American citizen. SPOUSES MATTER.

So it seems not only Totally Cool but also necessary to consider Mrs. Rick Santorum’s cultural and moral issues, and what kind of disharmony first lady (lol) Karen Santorum might cause for her presidenting husband. Like, say, on abortion, something Rick has rabidly opposed in all cases ever since he “read the literature” and decided he wasn’t pro-choice after all. When he was still a senator from Pennsylvania, before the voters double-digit fired his ass, he authored the “Partial Birth Abortion” Ban, and in 2012, he instructed rape victims who were impregnated to gladly “accept what God has given to you.”

But before all of that, Rick was just your average not-so-religious lifelong pro-choice dude who preferred Hawaiian shirts to sweater vests. And then he met a real nice lady named Karen, who had been unmarriedly shacking up for six years, like a common sex-loving whore, with the much, much older OBGYN who had delivered her! And did abortions! TO UNBORNED BABIES!

According to Santorum, it was not until after he stoled Karen away from her baby-murdering partner that he and Karen skimmed the Bible and learned that Jesus hates sex for pleasure, loathes contraception even for married couples, and will send anyone who says the word “abortion” without making an EW ICKY! face straight to the hottest seat in hell. So it’s all good now, and Rick and Karen are perfect devout Catholics (even if Rick thinks the pope is A Idiot who should mind his own beeswax). And the eventually-came-to-Jesus Santorums know now that it is always wrong to kill a baby, unless God does it, and then you should take that dead baby home and make your children cuddle it and take selfies with it, for the Lord.

But if spouses matter, as Rick says they do, it sure seems relevant that Mrs. Santorum used to be one of those women, who lived in sin and, we assume, enjoyed sexing for non-procreational purposes, AND thought her ‘bortion-doing lover was the greatest. And how can voters know for sure that Spouse Karen won’t unfind Jesus and change her fickle ladybrain mind again? And then, dear voters, just imagine the horror of President Rick Santorum (lol) listening to his wife nagging him at the White House dinner table every night about giving all the sluts their free slut pills to enjoy consequence-free sexytimes and abortions on demand!

Caveat emptor, voters looking for the mostest conservativest pro-lifiest presidential candidate, because SPOUSES MATTER, and do you really want a former abortion-loving whore to be your first lady?

[Mediaite]

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