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Surely this proves something!

Congratulations, comrades! It has been a glorious month! Our puppets on the Supreme Court have forced through the twin abominations of Obamacare and Sodomite Marriage, and in the wake of our successful False Flag attack in Charleston, our Politically Correct allies have destroyed the last symbol of resistance to tyranny. Now, while the nation is distracted by the insane ramblings of a crazy man with a tribble on his head, the hour has come for Our Glorious Leader Barack Obama to declare martial law across the southwest, and to start rounding up the guns and the patriots! Jade Helm 15 is finally here! Remember, don’t start the rioting until you hear the code words on the TV: “Rapid Advance, They Helped My Business Grow, Rapid Advance, They Didn’t Say No.” Then head to your nearest Walmart and start yelling whatever slogans come to mind. And remember to say a friendly “Ni hao!” to our Chinese comrades as they come flooding out of the subterranean tunnels, which are the best kind. Even if our Glorious Leader doesn’t announce his plan to bend America to his will this time, there will no doubt be some hilarious videos of idiots yelling at Army dudes.

But beware — the patriots are watching! The Houston Chronicle warns that the Army’s “training exercise” (hah! That one never gets old) will be monitoring Jade Helm 15 on the internet, which will somehow remain functioning even when the shit hits the fan, because Obama is crafty that way. A website called “Counter Jade Helm” has been slapped together so that patriots can keep track of government troop movements, and it’s got all sorts of cool resources, like a place for citizens to report all the suspicious stuff they see in their area. If there’s a bustle in your hedgerow, or you see a suspicious number of Subaru Outbacks that you suspect may be carrying lesbian terrorists, make sure you report it there! There’s also a handy dandy guide to American military vehicles, in microscopic side views that are literally the size of a thumbnail, so you can get eyestrain trying to distinguish between various versions of the MRAP armored vehicle. And no, clicking on the pictures will not enlarge them, probably to enhance Operational Security, or “OPSex” as we patriot militia types call it. You can tell that they’ve worked a lot on the website, since the homepage includes a line of boilerplate web theme nonsense that came pre-loaded on the page (click to embiggen):

This message personally approved by Col. Lorem Ipsum

 

The objective is not to stop or countermand the military’s training, but to practice our own skills. Anyone can participate. Groups within each state that will play host to the military are being established to streamline the process. Individuals not wishing to be affiliated with a group can also submit information to this website for analysis and publishing.>Vermilion adopts a business or commercial centric visual model, with corporate background shades interwoven with configurable, vibrant or brand colors, allowing for an equilibrium between professionalism and artistic allure. [Emphasis added]

It’s not often that you see such a smooth integration of wingnut militia jargon and forward-looking design sense.

Eric Johnston of Kerrville, Texas, explained to the Houston Chronicle how the Counter Jade Helm patriots will provide sitreps on the military’s maneuvers:

“If a team member sees two Humvees full of soldiers driving through town, they’re going to follow them,” Johnston said. “And they’re going to radio back their ultimate location.”

And then they’ll provide some informative maps, like these, which actually just point to positions on Google Maps but provide nothing more than the name of the place on the map, so you can draw your own conclusions. If you want to know where San Antonio is, just click on the red arrow, which tells you that it is a confirmed location. And by god, it is right where San Antonio is!

It's a high tech citizen surveillance aid!

Not that the Texan watchers are paranoid or anything — they don’t really think martial law is going to be declared, probably, but they do “feel like they can’t trust the government, and want to make sure the Military isn’t under orders to pull anything funny.”

The group is under strict voluntary orders not to wear camouflage, so they won’t look like paranoid crazies, and while most of the volunteers have concealed carry permits, they’ll be unarmed while watching the military.

With binoculars and spotting scopes, they’ll record troop numbers, uniforms and activities.

One of Johnston’s men, a licensed pilot, even plans on making surveillance flights with his personal aircraft.

The national effort is being coordinated by “44-year-old former Marine Pete Lanteri, a New Yorker living in Arizona with plenty of experience on civilian border patrols.” He runs the website and will coordinate the reams of “intelligence” that’s sure to come flowing in from brave volunteers. He also is very serious that he is not a crank:

[The] organizers insist the radically conspiracy-minded have been filtered from the surveillance volunteers, and no one among their group fears the imminent opening of concentration camps. Lanteri said he struggles to keep that bloc off his Facebook page.

“Once I saw the freaking nut-jobs coming out of the woodwork I was spending half my day discrediting what they were posting,” he said. “No nut-jobs will be put in the field.”

We feel so much better knowing that only sober, professional paranoids will be monitoring the operations. The Chronicle reports that both Lanteri and Johnston figure the military is “up to something,” even though they’re not sure what. Says Johnston, even though he doubts Obama will seize power in the coming weeks, he’s “got a gut feeling” that something big is going down. And that’s why he’s vigilant. A profile of Johnston in The Guardian makes it clear that nothing gets past him:

If something mysterious is afoot, Johnston, said, he wants to get to the bottom of it.

“Two and two doesn’t add up,” he said.

Despite his apparent lack of faith in basic math, Yr Wonkette has no doubt he’ll find out what’s really going on, especially when he joins forces with some plucky teenagers and a dog who travel the country in their van, solving mysteries. We bet there’s no government conspiracy at all — just an old real estate developer who wants to buy up the creepy old house for a bargain price!

[The Guardian / Houston Chronicle]

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  • Esteban Rey

    If it doesn’t happen, that’s proof that the wingnuts protected us from it.

    • marxalot

      ‘Scuse me, gotta go put a quick polish on these anti-tiger geological defense markers before I head out.

    • mtn_philosoph

      I imagine no line will be crossed.

  • natoslug

    So these Patriotic Merkins are spying on U.S. troops and reporting their movements, bowel or otherwise? I wish I had the boundless paranoid energy that it takes to be a wingnut, without the paranoid part.

    • Lori

      Me too. Can you imagine how much these people could get done if they used their powers for good? Or at least for not a nutter total waste of time?

      • Snopes Shop

        Well, they aren’t going to be curing cancer, or making our flying cars.

        • Lori

          Personally I’m thankful for that 2nd one. I’ve driven the 405 during rush hour so I just can’t think of flying cars as a good idea.

          • kindness

            405 = 580 through Livermore up here in N. Cal now.

          • Lori

            Can you imagine dealing with those people in the air? I can and it is terrifying.

          • kindness

            That would be a planned suicide. I like my job but not that much.

    • JohnBull

      And the vacation time these yahoos blow every year.

      • marxalot

        “Funemployment,” maybe?

    • Brewerofbeers

      Spying on American troops and reporting it to other nations is the most American thing that you can do!

      • Riley Whodat Venable

        Well, we know what happens to spies.

    • AmusedAmused

      And a generous welfare/disability check from the Ebul Gubmint, allowing you to spend your days doing something important.

    • SuspectedDemocrat

      They’ll be reporting on uniforms also too, for example when the military plays shirtless volleyball.

      • Spotts1701

        Nah man. Val Kilmer’s really let himself go.

        • Zippy

          Leonardo DiCaprio libul!!1!

  • JustPixelz

    “With binoculars and spotting scopes, they’ll record troop numbers, uniforms and activities.”

    The caliphate welcomes their help.

  • Me not sure

    Wake Up America! It’s been spelled out for you, right in front of your noses, he whole time!

  • Indiepalin

    And the red blobs pinpoint the locations of the Golden Corral restaurants with the 11 a.m. special.

  • Spotts1701

    Will they report on the Sergeant Majors marching up and down the square?

  • Anarchy Pony

    Guys, that’s not counter insurgency, it’s just insurgency.

    • SuspectedDemocrat

      Can’t be a counter because two and two doesn’t add up.

  • SuspectedDemocrat

    Lanteri will coordinate the whole seven-state operation from his home in Phoenix, Ariz.

    And that’s where I need to report the entire army is closing in.

  • Brewerofbeers

    Those damn meddling kids are going to interfere with our FEMA camps and Marxist/Socialist/Fascist hi-jinx.

  • Reddishrabbit

    Are we sure these wingnuts are not actually working for China or Russia to track out miltiary and gain intelligence for the low cost of a website (guessing cheaper then a satellite)?
    Then again, if you are depending on RWNJ’s, you probably shouldn’t expect intelligence…

    • SuspectedDemocrat

      Nah. China wouldn’t bother with binoculars, they’ll just download the schedule from NSA computers.

      • guppy06

        More like OPM. They can just see where The Troopz paychecks are being routed to this week.

  • AmusedAmused

    While attending kindergarten back in Ye Olde USSR (in deep antiquity, when every word had like a million e’s in it), I was assured that yes, you CAN, in fact, add two to two. And should, because if you don’t, you are a traitor to the Revolution and make the ghost of Ilyich cry. While we tender younglings were being indoctrinated with addition, a portrait of aforesaid Ilyich smiled at us benevolently from above the blackboard. Arithmetic is communist propaganda is what I’m saying.

    • Anarchy Pony

      And algebra is a muslin plot! You can’t trust numbers!

      • Swampay

        I think Al Gebra was one of the second-in-commands of ISIS that we killed. I think he was the fifteenth or else the twenty-eighth

        • Me not sure

          That was his butt-plug on the fake flag.

          • Zippy

            Put it back in! These people are shitting their pants!

        • Anarchy Pony

          Is that before or after you divide by x?

        • guppy06

          That would be the infamous Abū ‘Abdallāh Muḥammad ibn Mūsā al-Khwārizmī, who not only wrote on the feared al-jabr, but gave us algorithms and the technique of algorisms, which means that Fox News is basically limited to abaci.

      • Enfant Terrible

        Arabic numerals! They’re everywhere!

      • beingreleased

        I’ve never trusted Obama’s insistence on using Arabic numerals

    • Ilgattomorte

      All that you say is true Irinushka Ilyvanovich. But what is the point of adding 2 plus 2 when the answer will still leave you cold and in despair? It is better to subtract, for nothing but an answer of zero can match the bleakness of our souls.

      I must leave now. Godot is waiting for me.

      • AmusedAmused

        You must have missed the memo where Comrade Stalin informed everyone that “living is now better, living is now more gay.”

        • Ilgattomorte

          I saw the memo. That WAS my happy post.

        • guppy06

          The Russian version of “The beatings will continue until morale improves?”

      • Ms. Morte

        Betcha he doesn’t show up…

        • Blank Ron

          He won’t. Bastard’s still asleep on my couch.

          • BackDoorMan

            … well, wake him up. He owes me money.

    • MrBlobfish

      Arabic numerals, huh? hmmm

  • calliecallie

    “…while most of the volunteers have concealed carry permits, they’ll be unarmed while watching the military.”
    Of course they will. Now can I show you this brochure about swampland for sale in Florida?

  • schmannity

    Fort Worth Fox: 2 occupier troops spotted near town center, over.

    Jade Helm Resistance: 2 troops, roger. What are their movements, over?

    FWF: Apparently meeting with their leader, woman subject wearing apron and comfortable shoes, over.

    JHR: What is their rally point, over?

    FWF: Denny’s, over.

    • elviouslyqueer

      Waffle House LIBEL!

      • schmannity

        Nah, if Waffle House, “woman wearing apron, comfortable shoes, cigarette in mouth while talking/taking notes from troops.”

    • guppy06

      No breakfast counter in all of Texas shall go unsurveilled!

  • r m reddicks

    I had to go (yes, had to- for some things it’s the only game in this small town) Wal-M this day. The garden center was locked! I’m sure I heard the sound of digging but it might have just been “El Chapo”.

    • OneYieldRegular

      He escapes mere days before Jade Helm begins. Coincidence? I THINK NOT.

      • marxalot

        A trait you share with most of these folks, bless their hearts.

  • OneYieldRegular

    Uh…Go Wolverines?

  • Metadude

    So the US military is meeting up with the Knights Who Say Ni Hau?

    • Riley Whodat Venable

      I think this time it is the Sacred Imperial White Knights who say Howdy.

  • JustPixelz

    “Once I saw the freaking nut-jobs coming out of the woodwork I was spending half my day discrediting what they were posting,” he said. “No nut-jobs will be put in the field.”

    Mission Not Accomplished: Trump, Cruz, Carson, Perry, Walker, Christie, Fiorina, Huckabee, Jindal and Santorum are all running

    • Msgr_Moment

      All of them out standing in their field.

      • willi0000000

        . . . and pissing into the wind.

        • Donald E Niman

          …and Nugenting into their pants.

  • Me not sure

    I’m not exactly a math whiz, but I think two and two actually do add up.

    • JustPixelz

      Common Core libel!!1!

      • Me not sure

        Well, I’m not sure what they add up to.

    • AmusedAmused

      Has Jesus ever added two to two? Hmm? If it’s not in the Bible, then it’s not real. Or is Satanic.

      • beingreleased

        I’ve never believed in penguins. The bible doesn’t mention them, does it?

        • willi0000000

          i have it on good authority that i do not appear in the bible.

          [ does this mean i don’t exist? ]

          • david green

            Yes, now just stop bothering everyone, non-existent man.

      • riledupone

        He kicked the money changers out of the temple so maybe he hated math?

    • Peripatetic Poltroon

      Sure, but you get get four. He gets potatoe.

      • guppy06

        Jesus only had potatoes if you’re Mormon.

  • AngryBlakGuy

    …so these looney toons have essentially taken a page out of the ISIS social media playbook?

  • elviouslyqueer

    Let’s see: a bunch of “concerned patriotic” wingnuts losing their shit converging on Texas to help “monitor” a military exercise. What could possibly go wrong?

    • dslindc

      Certainly nothing involving firearms! No sir-ee!

  • BeliTsari

    I remember the last time: Keith Carradine, Powers Boothe, Fred Ward & Ry Cooder at some swamp bar?

  • Swampay

    Playing the role of “pesky civilians who think they could possibly obstruct us” will be….

    • elviouslyqueer

      Sir! Kirk Cameron, reporting for duty, sir!

  • elviouslyqueer

    “Once I saw the freaking nut-jobs coming out of the woodwork I was spending half my day discrediting what they were posting,” he said. “No nut-jobs will be put in the field.”

    Dude. Have you been on the Internet ever?

  • JohnR

    “got a gut feeling” “Two and two doesn’t add up,” My recommendations are antacid and remedial math classes.

  • VandeGraf

    It’s beginning to appear that Jade Helm troops are really quite reluctant to invade the space of Bubby and Buddy. The LERPs have reported the vast numbers of well trained Coors drinkers moving into defensive positions behind their Chevy trucks, all well armed with varmint rifles and other dangerously offensive weapons (m80’s, carbide cannons, Red Riders). Word has filtered down from the Pentagon that Texas is simply too much for the US Army, with or without drones, artillery, and surface to surface missiles. Observers expect that at any moment the Stryker teams will turn tail and run in terror before Jethroe’s bird gun. Wal-Marts all over Texas are closing early. Chem trails are crossing the blue Texan skies with enough Xanax to calm the situation. No animals were harmed during this action.

    • Riley Whodat Venable

      You got everything right except the beer. Texan’s drink Shiner. The Shiner motto: Passes through thousand of quality Chechz daily

  • AmusedAmused

    Weren’t conservatives always the “pro-military”, “I support the troops by keeping them bogged down in endless wars” group? Once they start demonizing soldiers, of all people, what’s going to be left of their base?

    • Anarchy Pony

      Troops are bad when democrat in office.

    • VandeGraf

      But these are not conservatives. They are “Free Texans”, infected with some sort of testosterone driven independence meme.

      • Zippy

        probably from those vaccines

    • marxalot

      Look, comrade, you’re not thinking dialectically.

      • AmusedAmused

        Please don’t make my head hurt, I bailed before the Theory of Marxism-Leninism.

        • Me not sure

          Hegal, what you doin’ tonite?

          • Querolous

            Sorry I Kant go out tonight, I’m washing my hair and brushing my tooth.

          • Msgr_Moment

            Failing Marx for originality.

          • doktorzoom

            With one of those fancy dialectric toothbrushes?

          • Querolous

            That is a good transcendental deduction.

          • AmusedAmused

            I’m afraid I’m already assigned to a comrade.

          • Me not sure

            Solidarity!

          • guppy06

            Call a doctor if Solidarity lasts more than four hours.

          • Me not sure

            Doctor? Hell, I’m calling Ripley’s Believe It or Not Museum.

    • Lefty Frizzell

      These are more the sovereign citizen types. I think they prefer conservatives to liberals because they’re deeply mistrustful of anyone who finished high school, but they don’t recognize any authority higher than, what was it again, County Sheriff? And baby Jesus, obv.

  • calliecallie

    I cannot shake the feeling that this is all a setup, and the paranoid wingnuts are playing right into the military’s hand. (I think I may have watched too many action pictures.) Be careful, sheeple!

  • Greg Fuderer

    that counter jade helm site is nice. i reported seeing a lot of helicopters, tanks and ships at camp pendleton.

    • willi0000000

      . . . and suspicious types at Ft. Leavenworth?

  • SuspectedDemocrat

    Careful. The military has already infiltrated our government at the highest levels.

    • Msgr_Moment

      I’m sure we’re safe in this mommy warblog.

  • OneYieldRegular

    Yes, but how will we be able to distinguish the Counter Jade Helm people from the usual terrorists who take photos and videos of sensitive military stuff?

    • AmusedAmused

      The patriots will be eating Jesus-approved smoked pork butt?

  • Zippy

    I’m betting El Pinche Guero Cagaleche just redecorated his bunker, in the manner of Señor Nugent

    • Msgr_Moment

      Tastefully “off-white”.

  • JustPixelz

    “…while most of the volunteers have concealed carry permits, they’ll be unarmed while watching the military.”

    I heard once of people (civilians) who would shoot at tanks that were on training exercises. Tanks can shoot back.

    • Anarchy Pony

      Of course, anything small enough to conceal carry is probably not highly effective against tanks.

    • guppy06

      Shells are expensive. But tanks are heavy and can generally move faster than a person on foot…

  • Enfant Terrible

    OK, everybody, sing out on the count of three:

    1
    2
    3

    WOLVERINES!!!!!!!

    • Anarchy Pony

      WOLVERINES!!!!!

      • chicken thief

        tsk, tsk, tsk…. AP, please wait for the count, mkay?

        • Anarchy Pony

          Like some kinda commie? I’ll take freedom thanks!

          • Gleem-McShinez

            Now they know where we are, dammit Leeroy!

  • elviouslyqueer

    Ruh roh. The Counter Jade Helm Facebook page is no longer available. CONNECT THE DOTS, SHEEPLE!

  • Usedtobeyellerdawg

    But what about the laser sharks? Will there be sharks with frickin’ laser beams attached to their head?

    • Me not sure

      Chilean sea bass.

  • Lot_49

    “First Brigade, advance on my signal! Our objective…well, shit I don’t know what our objective is.’

    • Amy!

      Because living in a barracks with a sadistic asshole for a drill sergeant leads to so much buttsex that even that gets boring?

      • guppy06

        What did I tell you about logging into my laptop!?

  • timpundit

    “…and it’s got all sorts of cool resources, like a place for citizens to report all the suspicious stuff”

    I now know what I’ll be going this Summer.

    • PubOption

      I saw a broken-down Humvee on the side of I-55 in St Louis yesterday. Do you think I should report it?

      • doktorzoom

        You mean you haven’t already?

      • Wonkaholic

        Of course, because it’s not really broken down, it’s in position.

      • guppy06

        It’s already reported you.

      • timpundit

        If you love your country enough, you will.

  • tegrat

    Eemareyency! Eemareyency! Efferybuddy to get from strit!

  • Come here a minute

    We’re not nut-jobs, we’re wack-a-loons! Get it straight, sheeple!

    • Zippy

      Splitter!

  • Latverian Diplomat

    Any chance Jade Helm Step 1 Part A Phase I is “Lead paranoid wingnuts into the desert and strand them there” ?

    • Zippy

      you could do the same thing to these idjits with a large cardboard box

      • Amy!

        Calvin libel!

    • r m reddicks

      A couple of folks with a rope could handle it ala’ Hillary.

  • calliecallie

    Needs moar Mad Max costumes.

    • SuspectedDemocrat

      I can’t take them seriously if they don’t have a flamethrowing guitar.

  • OooShiny

    *** TIPPY-TOP SOOPER-SEKRIT ***
    ITINERARY FOR JADE HELMAGEDDON JULY 15, 2015:
    05:00 – Pancake breakfast.
    06:00 – ‘Murica killed to death.
    06:01 – Vladbama McImpalerpants laughs maniacally.
    06:16 – Guns grabbed.
    06:17 – Laws martialed.
    06:18 – Freedoms destroyed.
    06:19 – Founding Fathers divorced.
    06:20 – Liberty Bell unrung.
    06:21 – Constitution erased with the oopsy end of a #2 pencil.
    06:22 – Christians persecuted.
    06:23 – Children injected with autism.
    06:24 – Everybody gay-married.
    06:25 – Everybody FEMA-camped.
    11:00 – Brunch.

    • dslindc

      Very efficient! Do I need reservations for brunch?

    • chicken thief

      Fah-bulous brunch! Gay married now, after all.

    • Me not sure

      Wow, I guess the Army really does do more before lunch than most people do all day.

    • BeliTsari

      Is Brunch reduced cruelty, gluten-free, free range locavore? I’d hate to miss the gay marrying?

    • Anarchy Pony

      That’s some very efficient tyranny right there.

    • MrBlobfish

      When’s naptime? Destroying America is hard work.

      • BeliTsari

        Forever and EVER sheeple!

    • Esteban Rey

      Not giving us a whole lotta time to get gay married. That’s a bit upsetting.

      • guppy06

        Where does Justice Kennedy stand on gay elopement?

    • r m reddicks

      Then after the nap they’ll really be bored and the shit will really hit the really fan.

      • Virginia Dreaming

        So Nugent will be there?

        • Isn’t he dead or in jail? I remember him promising that back in 2012. He wouldn’t lie about something like that, would he?

          • SpideySenser

            Still fucking alive, so still a fucking liar.

    • SnarkOff

      Everybody pencil that into your Gay Agenda!

    • bobbert

      Now, that’s a gay agenda.

  • chicken thief

    So there are nut jobs that the nut jobs think are nut jobs?

    This is not good news for America.

    • marxalot

      “When scary things get scared? Not good.”

    • Zippy

      it’s nut jobs all the way down

      • Riley Whodat Venable

        I see what you did there :-)

  • kindness

    Got any left over fireworks from the 4th? Now would be a good time to put them to use scaring the shit out of (literally) wingnutz.

  • dslindc

    Can we make Texas gay-marry Florida and then deport them? I feel like that’s the best option at this point.

  • docterry6973

    Since I am a coward commie pussy I never served. Will the soldiers be armed with live ammo for this exercise? ‘Cause someone is going to be shot, and I hope it is not a soldier who is just going about his business.

  • LarryHoudini

    So . . . the US Army and Walmart are the bad guys?
    WE HAVE FOUND COMMON GROUND, PEOPLE!!!

  • shastakoala

    Any reason is a good reason to serpentine. And it’s easier when your drunk.

  • Zippy

    Wait until these people run into the Chupacabras…

    • SnarkOff

      Mutilated cattle libel!!!

    • Legion32

      Never heard of a Chupacabra until I was stationed in San Antonio. Still not entirely sure what it is. Something like a coyote version of the Jersey Devil?

      • Zippy

        basically, they’re good for keeping the jackalope population down…

        • Legion32

          Copy that. Kinda like a snipe hunt. Metaphorically speaking, like Counter Jade Helm.

        • jmk

          I hear they’re distantly related to the Australian drop bear.

  • MrBlobfish

    I’ll bet ya a box of Krispy Kreme’s that licensed pilot gets shot down by an F-16.

    • doktorzoom

      Well, they’re sure as hell not gonna be brought down by an F-35

      • Steverino247

        No shit!

        • Vienna Woods

          And of course, that is the fighter jet that my asshole government is bound and determined to spend a hundred billion dollars on.

          • Blank Ron

            The DND has quite the track record. The Arrow gets cancelled, then there’s the CF-104 ‘Widowmakers,’ then the tail-shedding CF-188s, and now the F-35 ‘no weather’ ‘fighter.’ Maybe they shoulda stuck to flying Otters.

  • AlanInSF

    Tribble? Coulda sworn it was a merkin.

    • riledupone

      Oh, well done.Very well done.

  • Virginia Dreaming

    Are we sure this isn’t a big publicity stunt for a reissue of 1941 (with John Belushi).

  • Msgr_Moment

    Cue diabolical gay laughter:

  • chicken thief

    “…while most of the volunteers have concealed carry permits, they’ll be unarmed while watching the military.”

    So the people that think Obama is coming to take their guns voluntarily gave up their guns so they could monitor Obama coming to take their guns?

    • Razor’s Edge

      Obama is a bad mutherfucker……

      Diabolical

      • mailman27

        Watch your mouth!

        • willi0000000

          yeah . . . and do it without the mirror this time!

        • Riley Whodat Venable

          He’s just talkin’ ’bout Obama.

          • Santana999

            He’s a complicated man and no one understands him but his woman…

          • david green

            His woman? I thought he was gay.

          • Santana999

            It was college and it was only that one time with Rick Santorum.

  • Thaumaturgist

    I’m from the UN. Me and my SISU B team are going to provide support to five SISU A teams to keep an eye on these Counter Jade Helm guys and if they get in the way, they’re going to wish they got relocated to one of Obama’s FEMA re-education camps, which are going to be Country Club camps, compared to the UN camps. I’ve spent four years gearing up and waiting for this opportunity to run a real war on Christians. Hah!

  • Logic of Color

    What’s red and white and black all over. The first two paragraphs of this post? Do you have any idea what all those links do to OCD people?

  • Virginia Dreaming

    I am thinking it could be really fun to give them false reports of troop movements all over the state.

    • doktorzoom

      I most certainly did not include the link to that page with pranks in mind. No sir or madam, I did not.

      • Jamroast

        I think they need a good goating.

      • Amy!

        Awake! Awake! Fear! Fire! Foes! Awake!

        Do you think they’d twig if I were to report an incursion of nine nazgûl on horseback?

        • jmk

          Just describe them as cavalry dressed entirely in black, wearing what appear to be gas masks…

      • david green

        Of course not! That would just be wrong.

    • malsperanza

      Or even other states. I’m pretty sure this Texas thing is just a feint. The real infiltration is going down in Wisconsin. By the time anyone notices it’ll all be over but the photo ops.

  • SnarkOff

    BENGHAZI!!!!!

  • Jared James

    Objection! The Subaru Forester (2015 or 2016 available now) which is recognized by lesbians everywhere as the Lesbian Moving Van, no longer comes in an Outback trim package.

    Checkmate, heterosexual Texans.

    • borninatrailer

      “lesbians” “trim”

      Heh.

      • guppy06

        More like an “Infront trim package,” amirite?

    • OrdinaryJoe

      I bought my college age daughter the 2014 Forester she just “had” to have. A year later she came home for the summer with some other “news” about her life. LOL.

      • Jen_Baker_VA

        dude you bought your daughter a forester, just like that? Hm….

        Tell you what, Baker here is an orphan, you can adopt me :)

        • OrdinaryJoe

          It was either that or give her my Outback and you’ll get my Outback when you pry my cold dead fingers from the steering wheel. LOLOLOL.

  • Fitzgerald Chesterfield

    Then head to your nearest Walmart and start yelling whatever slogans come to mind.

    “You can get anything you want at Alice’s restaurant . . .”

    • Jared James

      Those Walmart lawyers will be on you in a trice with a noncompete clause in hand.

    • schmannity

      15 MINUTES CAN SAVE YOU 15%!!!!!

      • Left Coast Tom

        15 DOLLARS AN HOUR!!!!

      • SuspectedDemocrat

        That’s not how it works. That’s not how any of this works!

      • Drew Miner

        SEVEN AND A HALF YEARS ALAN!

      • guppy06

        I knew the so-called “Government Employees Insurance Co.” couldn’t be trusted!

    • elviouslyqueer
    • georgiaburning

      Code Green in Sporting Goods

  • SuspectedDemocrat

    Join my new facebook group, Counter-Counter-Jade-Helm. Send in reports of nutjobs stalking around your neighborhood or sending paranoid emails and saying racist things during family gatherings.

    • schmannity

      Your server may crash over Thanksgiving weekend.

  • Well, I can think of one group that will find it very useful to have all this detailed information about U.S. military troop movements available online…

    • OrdinaryJoe

      Yah. The Al Qanada terrorist Mooselims who are sneaking across the border up north while nobody is looking.

  • say wha

    I don’t have time to decorate the bunker, but I did go out and buy my jade helm..

  • Msgr_Moment

    If OPSex is wrong, I don’t wanna be right.

  • Logic of Color

    Say, wouldn’t it be hilarious if the military really did set up internment camps and begin imposing marshal law? Ha ha ha ha ha boy would we look silly!

    • Jen_Baker_VA

      you mean…they aren’t?
      For fuck’s sake! We were promised the rapture with the ghey thing
      we were promised fema camps with the walmart closings
      we were promised marshal sharia law with Jade helm. If this one does not come true I ain’t never listening to another wingnut again

      • Suttree

        Thanks Obama! You let me down again!

  • Logic of Color

    “I witnessed a group of about a dozen soldiers, none with beards, a couple were black, acting suspiciously casual standing around two transport vehicles. I could not discern their branch since their garments were difficult to see against the backdrop of the surrounding terrain. One man, who appeared to be their leader (captain?) squashed what appeared to be a medium-sized bug”

  • Beowoof14

    Not driving my NYS License Plate car through Texas this week, they will be more likely to shoot me than normal.

    • RecreationalPilot

      Not if you have a ‘NObama’ bumper sticker on your car.

      • jmk

        So… upstate New Yorkers are safe?

    • Left Coast Tom

      I’m not driving my CA License Plate car through Texas this week because I really prefer being in California. Also, too, jerb.

      • Jen_Baker_VA

        darn left coast elitist with your car and your jerb

    • Suttree

      Just add tumbleweed and empty bud light cans.

  • Callyson

    A website called “Counter Jade Helm” has been slapped together so that patriots can keep track of government troop movements, and it’s got all sorts of cool resources, like a place for citizens to report all the suspicious stuff they see in their area

    Will the Wonkette writer who previously followed the Sarah Palin channel be monitoring this instead? Because I foresee a treasure trove of derp there…

    • Dudleydidwrong

      Today I saw a red wing blackbird carrying something in its beak. It was obviously up to something as red wing blackbirds don’t usually carry weaponry. I reported this to Counter Jade Helm. I am waiting for the black helicopter. Or the Hyundai with two guys drinking long necks.

      • OrdinaryJoe

        Sorry. They were all tied up watching the sex excerpts from Game of Thrones on YouTube.

      • Suttree

        Are you sure it wasn’t a swallow with a coconut?

        • Amy!

          That would be okay if it was a European swallow. They’re on our side. If it was an African swallow, could be trouble! You can tell the difference by their airspeed, of course.

  • Msgr_Moment

    If there’s a bustle in your hedgerow, or you see a suspicious number of Subaru Outbacks that you suspect may be carrying lesbian terrorists, make sure you report it there!

    Yeah, I’ll be in my bunk bunker.

    • willi0000000

      lesbians are bringing back the bustle?

      [ the things i learn on Wonkette ]

      • Boscoe

        It’s just a Spring Clean for the May Queen.

        • Amy!

          She’s buying a stairway at Wal-Mart.

      • guppy06

        And unkempt hedgerows!

  • cleanfront

    I once got a ‘gut feeling’ in San Antonio. I think it was the chili con carne.

  • RecreationalPilot

    .

    When you join ‘Counter Jade Helm,’ do you get a free package of Depends diapers too?

    .

    • Donald E Niman

      Not only a package of Depends, but you get a free pork butt, too!

      • Amy!

        So … you put the Depends on the pork’s butt? Then what?

        • Jukesgrrl

          Drive it around in your Hoverround.

  • Mehmeisterjr

    And remember to say a friendly “Ni hao!” to our Chinese comrades as they come flooding out of the subterranean tunnels, which are the best kind.

    So Jade Helm 15 troops include the Knights Who Say “Ni hao?”

  • Barley_Brains

    I dutifully filed my report about observing a troop make a movement behind a tree near Dime Box, TX. I feel so patriotic!!

  • FauxAntocles

    I’m sorry, I’m failing to see the nature of the grift here. Do you have to pay to join the website?

    • John Smith

      Ad revenue.

  • Mehmeisterjr

    Dear Military,

    You are ordered to go the Southwest and be up to something. We’re counting on you.

    Signed,

    The Joint Chiefs

  • Legion32

    All hat no common sense.

  • herrointment

    Yea Dok!

  • Steverino247

    Here’s my report:

    In a field behind the Waco Motel 6…

    14:34:22 (Hike!)

    I see a circle of HUMMV’s with a flag stuck in the dirt in the middle of the circle. Male and female soldiers have paired off and appear to be fucking in the back of their HUMMV’s. Two pairs of camouflage trousers are in a pile outside each of the vehicles. The battalion flag is mauve with crossed pink ribbed rubbers. Under this is the battalion motto “Provided by the Management for Your Protection” and the numbers “2” and “72” are on either side. This must be the 2/72nd Prophylactic Testing Detachment from Ft. Hymen, Utah!

    • Riley Whodat Venable

      Well if they are team testing condoms in the back of a HumVee at 2:30 in the afternoon in Waco in July, they are tough. I’d leave them alone.

    • cousin itt

      Was Bill Clinton leading the Hummer division?

  • SK

    One of Johnston’s men, a licensed pilot, even plans on making surveillance flights with his personal aircraft.

    But who’ll burrow deep underground to make surveillance of all those tunnels that are being dug?

  • Legion32

    From the Google location: “160 5th Street, Biloxi, MS”. Ummm, I went to USAF technical school there – it’s called Keesler fucking Airforce base.
    Edit: Keesler is actually a Mossberg slug shot away but still…ffs

  • gene108

    These Counter Jade Helm people have too much free time on their hands. Who has time to spend all day doing recon on the U.S. Military? They need to get job and stop being dead beats. And if they have a job, they need to get another job, so they do not have all this free time on their hands and are productive members of society making the rich richer.

    • James Christopher Owen

      Jeb! Bush said they needed to work more hours…

  • Zippy

    Counter Jade Helm- for those of you who didn’t get your fill of dressing up and playing make-believe last week at Comic-Con

    • Legion32

      Wolv’erines”!!!15!!!

      • mrpuma2u

        They’re just kinda big ’cause of all that body armor, yeah.

        • Logic of Color

          There is a theoretical weight at which one becomes bulletproof

          • guppy06

            Camouflage isn’t a problem when you have an event horizon.

      • Jen_Baker_VA

        I feel so much safer now.

      • TheBidenator

        There aren’t enough armor piercing rounds in the world to pierce the middle two of Charlie’s Nightmares there…

      • Amy!

        Testing out the new WingNutz™ Keyboard?

  • Alex Grey

    Maybe we can declare martial law, and then force them to finally secede.

    • Jen_Baker_VA

      This is so ripe for a whole mess of War of the Worlds style broadcasting I can almost not even stand it.

      • handyhippie65

        hehehe…now that would make my millennium.

        • Jen_Baker_VA

          The best part is, they are ALL ARMED all the time o.O
          Wait, wasn’t there a twilight zone episode on how easy it was to turn neighbor against neighbor?

          • handyhippie65

            twilight zone did it!

          • riledupone

            The ep. was “Monsters Are Due On Maple Street” (I think) and it was seriously creepy.

  • Donald E Niman

    I welcome our invading Chinese Knights who say “Ni hao!”

  • shastakoala

    I wouldn’t be as concerned about a bustle in the hedgerow as I would the topiary doing the military crawl.

    • Jen_Baker_VA

      That sir or madam, is not a topiary doing a military crawl. That topiary has always been there, and you only thought it used to be over there.
      I mean, it has always been there, where it is right ….
      There, right there, it has always been… “yo, private, stay still for five minutes, kay?” Ahem. It has always been right there.

    • handyhippie65

      yea, the may queen wouldn’t caught dead in the hedgerow in july.

    • Zippy

      You must return here with a shrubbery

      • cousin itt

        A path! A path!

      • Suttree

        One that looks nice. And is not too expensive.

    • SuspectedDemocrat

      Pay no attention to the topiary, there’s a masquerade ball in the hotel bar, and here’s your martini.

    • guppy06

      MacBeth libel!

  • Bill Slider

    What could go wrong, but I digress.

  • Riley Whodat Venable

    I’m in Houston, TX. You people just don’t understand what it going on. El Chapo was released to lead his Narcosolderos across the Southwest, raping and murdering as he goes. Blue Bell Ice Cream was never contaminated. The creamery was taken over to store dead bodies in their chillers. All the empty WallMarts are now FEMA camps, with Chinese PRA as guards. Be sure you say “Sha Sha” (thank you) when you get your one bowl of rice per day.
    Several of the main roads out of Houston have been closed “for construction” for the rest of the summer. Wake up Sheeple!!!11!1!1
    /s/

    In all thruth, if you see someone in uniform this summer offer them a bottle of water, some Gatorade, or if appropriate, a beer. They are working to keep us safe, and it is already hot as hell down here.

    • Jen_Baker_VA

      srsly, wtf is the military thinking running this thing in summer anyway? I know the current ruckus is in the desert and all, but that bitch be HOT.

      • eddi

        Just another sacrifice in the Service. They are an all-weather outfit.

        • jmk

          When Evangeli-Bro was stationed in Fairbanks, he would lead his idiot troops out for field training exercises in temperatures that were well, well, well below sane temperatures – like 20 below. I think it had to be 30 below for them to stay inside and play indoor games.

          So… they swing both ways.

    • mrpuma2u

      And there’s ergot in the Rye bread!!!!

      • cousin itt

        They should be so lucky.

      • Riley Whodat Venable

        If I could just get some in my Rye Whiskey…

    • BeliTsari

      Or Bwawndo: The Thirst MUTATOR (NOW with phytoemasculators) it’s what fruits CRAVE!

  • nhunter77018

    I thought we’d all be more excited about the potential for violations of the THIRD amendment. That would make for a refreshing change.

    • Jen_Baker_VA

      I think at this point, most of america would pay the military to go and quarter in these people’s bunkers.
      To save us from the chinese muslims tunneling under the canadian boarder or something

  • Gleem-McShinez

    I FOLLOWD SOME TROOPS BUT THEY GAVE ME THE SLIP IN WALMART AISLES. THEN MET SOME GUYS FROM “SMOPERATION SMADE SMELM” WHICH IS “BUTTROCK COVER BAND” (?) AND THEY SAID I COULD GET FREE TIX TO SHOW, ALSO FREE BEER IF I MEET THEM LATER

  • Jen_Baker_VA

    I just thought of something (and if someone else thought of it, meh, I call dibs) But what if Jade Helm is really just an exercise to expose just how many crazy assed wingnuts there are in these redder than red states and pinpoint exactly where they are?

    :D

    • georgiaburning

      Shhh, you’ll spoil it

      • Jen_Baker_VA

        Someone seriously needs to dress that up all wingnutty and drop it on the counter website though.

    • alwayspunkindrublic

      Accessing the World Net Daily comments section may be slightly less messy.

    • bluicebank

      What georgiaburning said. Keep yer yapper shut about our ulterior motives.

    • James Christopher Owen

      Mission Accomplished.

  • alwayspunkindrublic

    Two and two doesn’t add up”, along with many personal guarantees they aren’t bugeyed paranoid fanatics. Fuck me, it’s gonna be a real MENSA convention out there, this one.

    • Poly_Ester

      Wingnut MENSA requires an IQ of 80 to join. There aren’t many candidates.

      • alwayspunkindrublic

        Yeah, that’ll filter out the riffraff alright.

  • Antimassacree

    Flying unauthorized surveilance flights over a military training exercise (restricted airspace, perhaps?) sounds like something a person wearing Bad Idea Jeans would come up with.

    • eddi

      There will be black helicopters flying in the area. I foresee bad things.

  • AngryKatie

    I’m confused. Liberals are clueless and incompetent, but evil master minds also too?

    I’m not sure how they think we’re going to pull off Jade Helm, destroying Christianity, taking all the guns, rounding everyone up for FEMA camps, death panels, and all of the rest of the stuff we’re supposedly
    planning. I’ve been to Green Party meetings. The idea of liberals coming up with a pizza order in less than 4 hours makes me laugh.

    • Jen_Baker_VA

      Liberals are super sneaky awesomely cunning super people who are stupid, unpatriotic and lazy but incredibly smart and evil masterminded.
      There, less confused? OH and you can be an anarchist AND a communist, apparently, also, too.

      • NanBullenshede

        Aye.

      • Logic of Color

        And a liberal fascist.

      • bobbert

        Don’t forget you can be a fascist socialist, as well.

      • James Christopher Owen

        “War is peace. Freedom is slavery. Ignorance is strength” – Republican strategist Eric Blair

    • cousin itt

      I was gonna order a pizza but then I got high.

    • Amy!

      Sheesh. Evil masterminds are always clueless and incompetent. Don’t you watch any movies at all?

  • Poly_Ester

    I’m sure that when Jade Helm is all over, and nothing has come of it. The “patriots” will claim that their vigilance prevented the imposition of martial law.

    • alwayspunkindrublic

      This is one of the tragic things about this ilk. When this fucktussle is over and life returns to whatever passes for goatfucking normal in TX, the level of delusional paranoia with not abate. Just further proof that Obama is biding his time before the final kill stroke.

    • doktorzoom

      Considering that every dog in America is absolutely certain that it has, every single day, kept the mailman from murdering its owners, you probably have a point.

    • Msgr_Moment

      You cannot convince me that it was NOT because I’ve been wearing this tinfoil hat all along.

  • Bill Slider

    There is a rumor on the Internet, or will be once I finish this comment, that if Wonkette buys the Palin channel, we can watch Operation Jade Helm 24/7 if we buy more of the original Shy designef T–shirts.

  • Spurning Beer

    What these patriots should actually fear is that the US military would pull up stakes and leave their godforsaken states. Local economies in San Antonio and a dozen other localities would crash.

  • Drew Miner

    I, for one; welcome our new Cartoon Overlords, Ni Hao, Kai-Lan, Ni Hao Indeed!

  • Poly_Ester

    Are the “patriots” trying to steal a march on the Army by allowing “Anyone to participate?”

  • SuspectedDemocrat

    They got us dead to rights. We have no choice, we must withdraw all military units from Texas and hand over national security to the appropriate facebook groups.

    • alwayspunkindrublic

      I, for one, welcome our new facebook-based overlords. I’ll have a shitload of former high-school acquaintances among the ruling junta, so I’m hoping to be granted jailhouse trustee status.

  • JeffWest

    “…while most of the volunteers have concealed carry permits, they’ll be unarmed while watching the military.” Unless you count my just-filled Super Soaker. Eat moisture, commie scum.

    • Markuserektus

      Fill ’em with urine!

  • Charles Cates

    The M1 Launcher (w/HAB) is also known as ‘Wolverine’!!!

    Meanwhile patriots will be ready.

    • Markuserektus

      But when does the movie start?

      • guppy06

        I suddenly feel the urge to go to the lobby…

  • TheBidenator

    My only question is, will they serve bacon at the FEMA camps?

    • Celtic_Gnome

      No. Anyplace that serves bacon can’t be considered terrible.

  • Rickyphoo

    “they’ll be unarmed while watching the military.”

    Probably a smart decision.

  • alwayspunkindrublic

    My (ahem) kingdom for a couple of Predatator Drones. First we take Wasilla, then we take Seguin.

    • “First we take Wasilla, then we take Seguin.”

      you can have them.

      • bobbert

        Damn. I’ve been to both.

        • Amalga

          Me too. Seguin is kind of nice though.

  • “One of Johnston’s men, a licensed pilot, even plans on making surveillance flights with his personal aircraft.”

    Make sure you file a flight plan Bofors you go. It could get dangerous up there.

  • alnnc

    OK students, we’ll have a quick quiz. Grades will be posted tomorrow.

    1. Which political party has spent extensive time and effort over the last 35 years trying to convince the American public they cannot trust government?

    A. The Republican Party.

    Good luck. And no cheating.

    • D_C_Wilson

      Yes, but the republicans never let a blah person use the front entrance to the White House, and that’s what this is really all about.

      • cousin itt

        Wow. Even Colonic Powell had to use the “sekrit entrance”?

        • D_C_Wilson

          He had to use the service entrance.

          • starfanglednut

            Hilz will have to use the cervix entrance.

    • BeliTsari
  • idiotboy

    Am sure this has been discussed but I ain’t lookin at 250 comments and it is Monday and a busy one babysitting very rich people on their twice a year visit to the $2,000,000 +- infinity$ “cabins” that are required accessories as soon as one makes it in the bay area. Ok, I rant, I like many of them (the old ones mostly) and they do support us.

    My original point was it could be mighty fun to log into the site mentioned by Doc Z and send up-to-date super secret reports of the movements of Obama’s army. Having watched Hogan’s Heroes and F Troop, I know exactly how to track this madness. As mentioned, smarter ones than I are hopefully working on this already.

    Fuck Tejas btw, happy Monday

    • alnnc

      I think you have to open an account on the site before you can access the good stuff, so be anonymously careful. But not paranoid. They ain’t the government.

      • Barley_Brains

        No, you can do it on the public page. It is one of the links above in Dok’s article.

        http://counterjadehelm.info/add-public-report

        • alnnc

          Thanks for pointing that out. This should be fun.

          • Barley_Brains

            I enjoyed it very much. Hope everyone else does too, also.

          • BEWARE!

            There is a clever ‘Human Check’ test you must pass before your Patriotic Salute can be reported.

            HELPFUL HINT: Check the box indicating ‘I AM NOT A ROBOT’

          • Barley_Brains

            Well done!

          • John Thomson

            Oh, yeah. Can’t wait!

      • eddi

        You are all evil, disruptive people. I kiss you on both cheeks (upper) right through the screen.

  • TheBidenator

    Freeze dried food distributors, gold coin sellers and guns and ammo makers are behind this entire patriot action. See that wingnuts? I just undermined your conspiracy by calling it in and of itself a conspiracy…’sup now?

    • VandeGraf

      Got me a cousin who feels so strongly that Texas is going liberal, he’s bought a retirement home in Alabama. There he can cohabit with his sister without the dust and cattle.

  • And you know when Jade Helm 15 is over and Texas is _not_ under the control of the Evil Tyrant, it will only be because these Brave Patriots(tm) were there to keep the Army in line!!!

    • D_C_Wilson

      Yeah, but Gregg Abbott will still be there.

    • eddi

      Patri-autism?

      • OneDemin EOr

        Well said.

      • James Christopher Owen

        AssBurger Syndrome.

  • D_C_Wilson

    Please, Jesus, let some group of mouth-breathing yahoo weekend warrior types try to start some shit with the U. S. military this week. I’ve been good all year.

    • eddi

      Please don’t. Most of those GIs are unarmed except for sentries with ROE that basically say “If shot at do NOT RESPOND! Seek shelter and dial 911”. They would be murdering innocent men and women.

      • D_C_Wilson

        Oh well that sucks.

        Still, I’ll bet on unarmed U.S. soldiers over paranoid Texas yahoos.

        • eddi

          Armored vehicles vs pick ups. If the soldiers happen to squash a few escaping hostile action, oh well…

      • According to my New Revised ConspiraTard Field Handbook (3rd ed.), this is the exact definition of “psyops”.

  • Toomush_Infer

    He’s right – two and two only adds down…. um, and you get, um…(2 below 2, but adding….down….)………….Four!….shit…..

  • malsperanza

    Needs moar paintball.

    • Legion32

      Do you even Airsoft Bro?!?”’

  • NanBullenshede

    Time for Patriots to Report All Sightings: Look, a Squirrel! Look, Elvis! Jesu Christ On A HumVee! Is That a Wet Spot On Thy Trows? Look, Nothing, Nothing Nothing, Look! Oh, Nothing.

    • riledupone

      Maybe people should be reporting displays of G. I. Joe dolls in toy stores. Salvation Army workers etc. I’m sure there’s all kinds of “military” info the trackers could use.

  • NanBullenshede

    Oh! I think I see a Puddy Tat!

    • Amy!

      Sir! Permission to report, sir! Sir! I have sighted several species of small furry animals, sir! Gathered together in a cave, sir! And grooving with a Pict, sir! Sir, report ends, sir!

      (Ummagumma came up in my random album rotation when I started reading the comments)

      And the wind cried Mary.

      • Msgr_Moment

        Careful with that axe, Eugene!

  • The primary purpose of the Counter Jade Helm website appears to be that of organizing a Vermilion Man March.

    It takes a nation of vermilion to hold us back, Nobummer!

    • bobbert

      Is this where I’m supposed to ask “How many is a vermilion?”?

      • Zippy

        eleventy brazilian

      • Don’t add, don’t tell.

      • Markuserektus

        What’s a Grecian urn? (not much wit austerity goin’ on) :P

    • Biff52

      Didn’t we already discuss this in the transgender foxhole thread?

  • Pongo

    I dunno. This sounds okay to me. After all, it gets these folks off the couch and gives them a sense of accomplishment–much like an enema (Dracula: Dead and Loving It, 1995). Plus, it’s mostly Texas and other basically uninhabitable cesspools of this great country, so who cares? Plus, their idiocy might make some soldiers rethink their attachment to paramilitary Wingnutia. Plus, at least this group–unlike so many others–has a perfectly perfect theme song: Flagpole Sitta by Harvey Danger

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nBgmC_USeoM

  • Kat Anyperson

    “but to practice our own skills” Soo… this is essentially just a masturbatory fantasy of efficacy and power.

    Gotcha.

    • Suttree

      So, is practice my own skills the new I’ll be in my bunk?

      • Zippy

        master of your domain

        • riledupone

          Master of your Eminent Domain?

      • starfanglednut

        I sure hope not. The bunk room is pretty filthy as it is.

  • disqus_0lWqMBoD8b

    Did he really say, “two and two doesn’t add up”?

    • starfanglednut

      I laughed out loud at that but for about a minute. It’s like he’s so distraught that the fabric of the universe is unravelling.

    • VandeGraf

      Or used the 2s as factors and multiplied?

    • OneDemin EOr

      That would too closely resemble algebra to that guy.

    • dshwa

      1+2+2+1
      Wrong, it was 1+1+2+1
      Even if your right, that’s 1+2+1+1 not 1+1+2+1.

  • Rick Hill

    “No nut jobs”
    Wow. One wonders what has to occur to be labeled that by those nut jobs.

    • disqus_0lWqMBoD8b

      Just people who cannot perform elementary addition will be participating.

  • Here’s a little something that should sum up exactly what it’s like to be a butthurt, terrified Teatard these days:

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZAAKPJEq1Ew

    • starfanglednut

      Excellent!

    • eddi

      Childhood memories.

    • Markuserektus

      Call BR 549 rat now, operator’s are standin’ by.

    • Msgr_Moment

      If it weren’t for Schadenfreude, I’d have no Freude at all.

  • disqus_0lWqMBoD8b

    Adding two and two: More Lamestream Media misinformation, no doubt.

  • Suttree

    Derplock Holmes.

  • Incoming Ham

    There is an opportunity here: who wants in on the foil covered trucker and cowboy hat sales and distribution business?

  • FDRliberal

    WAKE UP SHEEPLE! You LIBTARDS may think this is a big joke, but those of us paying attention know that DICTATOR OBAMA is now ready to unleash his LIBERAL MUSLIM army upon the GOD FEARING people of Texas. As I type this, Obama’s IRS AGENTS are flying jets overhead, spreading CHEMTRAILS with SHARIA DUST upon the patriots of the PROUD SOUTH, weakening their resistance. Soon Christian GUN OWNERS will be FORCED into GAY MARRIAGES presided over by SOCIALIST THUGS.

    • Zippy

      needs moar spittle…

      • bobbert

        Also, the CAPS are too well confined to discrete words, and the grammar exists.

        • starfanglednut

          And the spelling is entirely too correct. A for effort, but needs more work.

          • Blank Ron

            LESS work.

        • Jukesgrrl

          And the word “moran” was never used.

          • BeliTsari

            Also two: It hain’t in RED Crayola or goober poopy!

          • marxalot

            Yeah but other than that I think it covers all the bases. That’s BINGO!

    • M_Baker

      Wow!! This guy has bought into the far right wing conspiracies hook, line, and sinker. But you have to feel sorry for this guy and his delusional thoughts. He must be an Alex Johns fan.

      • Anarchy Pony

        That’s snark, friendo. We do sarcasm here.

        • bluicebank

          Speak for yourself. I call it passive-aggressive cynicism. Not that you care.

      • doktorzoom

        Alex was always jealous of his more successful cousin Jasper.

    • Duke

      This sounds great! I’ve never seriously considered moving to Texas previously.

    • VandeGraf

      Can you get red licorice there? Goes great with a chem trail chaser!

    • katahdin

      NEEDES! MOOR! EXALAMASHN! POONTS! AN! MOIR! BETIR! SPEILING!

    • LarryHoudini

      The Ghost of Eustace Tilly I presume?

  • Sterculius

    It’s the Texan Holocaust! Round them bastards up and strip them of their chaps and spurs, no wait, leave those on, and the cowboy hats, just take their pants and confederate underwear — the Rainbow Flag is a-comin’ and with it the SODOMY EXPRESS, WHOO WHOO!

    • Rick Hill

      Round ’em up? Just have a free bbq and get about 98% of them.

      • Sterculius

        Probably don’t really need the BBQ either, just dim lights and beer.

        • Rick Hill

          Well….we provide the bbq, they bring the dim bulbs

  • DahBoner

    We’re clapping laughing because Jade Helm is over.

    http://media3.giphy.com/media/mIJuSTQinzyZq/200w_d.gif

  • Beaumarchais?

    Let’s all take a break to remember how beautiful America was today. Just like some of us remember the weather on the morning of 9/11, and our parents remember the skies of D-Day. Tomorrow belongs to us!

    • VandeGraf

      That is the snarkiest comment of all the snarky comments posted on the non-existent comment postings!

    • Msgr_Moment

      Yes, the grass is far greener today than it was tomorrow. *sigh*

  • elpinche
  • DsMTwoShoes

    And the Governor ot Texas winds these people up!
    How did these people ever find themselves in positions of authority?

  • Charles Cates

    I wished they had held this in the Deep South.

    • Paved road, modern lighting, mowed grass? This photo ain’t from the deep South.

      • Amy!

        Not enough kudzu.

        Anyway, the wind’ll blow that away shortly.

    • MrCanoehead

      That’s the hugest fart ever captured on film!

  • McHitler (formerly Nuke90210)

    “Two and Two doesn’t add up.”
    You fucking mouth breather….

    • VandeGraf

      Okay, Texas. You understand now? Texas.

      • FDRliberal

        Texas, one of the few places where one has the Freedumb to build a fertilizer plant across the street from an elementary school.

  • smitallica

    The most ironic thing about all this is that the people most freaked out about Jade Helm and our own military are the EXACT same people who think cutting the military budget by one penny is basically the same thing as surrendering to the Chinese.

    • eddi

      Don’t you just love a good doublethink on a Monday?

  • smitallica

    Because if history has taught us anything, it’s that governments that are about to conduct secret military operations against their own people ALWAYS announce them months beforehand, with press conferences, published timetables, and publicly available maps.

  • Cismontane

    I for one welcome our new Federal invaders to Southern California – a Jade Helm region supposedly filled with insurgents – to drive off those Texan guerrillas we supposedly have in our hills. May I suggest targeting Orange County. Lots of pro-Texas insurgents there.

    • Celtic_Gnome

      Can’t we buy some water from Tom Selleck?

  • BeckyLB

    Funny thing, I’d almost swear that the military let this whole Jade Helm thing leak and build up like it has intentionally.

    I mean, just think, what better way to practice the sort of counterinsurgency work the SF types are involved in? Groups of unidentified combatant types actively and aggressively attempting to monitor, track, and counter a SF team that’s trying to blend in and get work done….naw, that doesn’t sound a think like the sort of war we’ve been involved in, does it?

    • JD Mulvey

      The old false-flag false-flag switcheroo… It wouldn’t be the first time.

      • BeckyLB

        I wouldn’t even really consider it a “false flag” per se.

        More along the lines of turning a useful group of crazies into a handy set of “training aids”.

        Sort of like when Air Force jets go through the motions for strafing runs, when flying over busy highways.

        Hey, if these yokels want to behave like a belligerent force of almost-insurgents, the military might as well take advantage of the fact so the SF dudes can get some training in order to prepare them for the next time they get sent to a place with an actual belligerent force of almost-insurgents.

  • ButchWagstaff

    Why hasn’t Trump been talking about this, hennngh?!?

    • Blank Ron

      Not enough Messicans involved.

  • Lady Bug

    They should have just changed the name to Jesse Helms, than the wingnuts would be happy.

  • empf

    This smells of a bad video game and stunning disappointment

  • AKLynne

    Eric and Pete need to get a life.

  • btwbfdimho

    I’d rather escape to the Caliphatus than dealing with lesbian terrorists. Oh, BTW, have you noticed than ISIS in Arabic reads SISI?

  • Kgprophet

    Beware of a man named Bitler and his boncentration bamps.

    • Msgr_Moment

      What a silly bunt.

  • btwbfdimho

    Texas is probably the single oil state in the world that the US Army haven’t invaded.

  • bluicebank

    The Vast Wolrdwide Liberal Conspiracy To Destroy All That Is Good And Wholesome takes issue with Wonkette’s exposure of our false-flag op to force Texas to leave the Union (via rafts and whatever Kon Tiki-ish flotations, through the Gulf of Mexico, past Cuba, then circling around through shark-infested waters, the survivors washing ashore in the Yucatan, only to be sucked into its myriad death pits of cynotes). Your membership is hereby cancelled, upon further review.

    • jmk

      Comrade, comrade, calm down… there was no exposure… we’re amongst friends here. We’re all part of the VWLCTDATIGAW, and I’m confident that no one here would reveal our plans outside the cadre.
      Relax. I know tensions are running high in advance of the op, but there’s no reason to start turning on one another.

      • Celtic_Gnome

        YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND! THEY TOOK THE BOILERPLATE LANGUAGE OFF THE WEBSITE THAT DOK TALKED ABOUT. THEY’RE ON THE SITE! THEY’RE ON THE FUCKING SITE!

  • mtn_philosoph

    Wait a sec, are we or aren’t we talking about the updated (or post-transition) identity of the person formerly known as Jesse Helms?

  • Remember to add your Public SALUTE Report to the Noble Cause!

    HH.MM.SS , people!

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OgIMJcBpqKI

  • BeliTsari

    OH… soldier BOY, come owt an’ PLAYY-Yayyyyyyyyy…

  • geoffalnutt

    Wait!!! Isn’t “a lesbian terrorist” out of the Department Of Redundancy Dept.(at least to those folks)?

  • PirateCafe

    Cuckoo, cuckoo, cuckoo!

  • I wonder how well these bunkers would hold up to one of the zillion dollar weapons the army has? I think the insurgents would give up faster than the Italian army.

  • Belasaurius

    i’m stocked up on popcorn and whiskey. Let the hilarity ensue.

  • JD Mulvey

    “No nut-jobs will be put in the field.”

    This inspires me with newfound confidence in this op.

  • SoSezYou

    I’m thinking it should be extra easy to pick out the “patriots” because they’ll be the ones waving the Confederate Flags…the irony being lost on the perpetually paranoid prepper class.

  • FauxyVixen

    Is anyone else having trouble accessing the Counter Jade Helm website and Facebook page?

    • Celtic_Gnome

      I got right in, and they took care of the boilerplate language referenced a la Dok. Which means they’re monitoring our activities.

      Oh my God! We’re going to have to establish a Counter Counter Jade Helm website to counter this intrusion!

      • doktorzoom

        whaaa? Nope, it’s still there on the homepage.

      • Mike!

        trace buster buster buster…

  • MAZS

    Yes, finally the day is upon us. As a supporter of the dictator-to-be, I trust I will not only be left free of the camps, but will become one of the overlords under the new regime.

    • Mintie

      Did you get your membership card in the mail yet? Because you won’t if you don’t have your membership card.

      • MAZS

        Yea, mine says “Underlord”.

      • Mark Breitinger

        Is that the same thing as this there voter ID card!?!?

  • Candy Apple

    I like how the wingnuts are literally providing a template for terrorists on how to use social media to surveil and report on U.S. troop maneuvers.

    • Time is running short. President Obama’s gig is almost up but we never got gotten even half the stuff we’re promised. Still got guns and no FEMA camps.

      • BehaveYrself

        Obamaphone Libelz!!!1!!1!!

  • Santana999

    I have been waiting for this day for a long time. I’ve been studying my mandarin and I just polished my earth shoe combat boots. My man bag is full of granola and my chinese rifle loaded with environmentally friendly tungsten bullets! Me and my fellow blacks are waiting for the word from our dear leader to start rounding up white people. Don’t worry Wonkettes, you have all been placed on the protected rolls. Just stay away from any Walmarts. And if you have a Confederate flag…you might want to lose it.

    We (meaning the blacks) figured that as long as Obama was establishing the new ChinoKenyan Caliphate in America, we should do our part. Just so you know, we have organized our riots in order to make sure the free stuff is fairly distributed. Each rioter will be given a number. Even numbers will riot from 7am to 7pm. Odd numbers 7pm to 7am. If any of you white folks want to get in on it please order your ghetto passes ASAP.

    Glory to the new world order!!

    • Brad Thompson

      I was assigned an even-numbered ghetto pass, but I work days at Starbucks; is anyone willing to trade me for an odd-numbered one? There’s a free nonfat half-caff vanilla latté in it for you…

      • Santana999

        No worries comrade. Once we round them all up in the FEMA camps, you will have the option of picking the real american of your choice, because as we all know, slavery was a good thing. And real Americans are the only ones who work hard anyway, so your new property will be happy with his new role under your jackbooted, made of recycled materials earth shoe. Let him make the lattes; as a liberal you will never have to work again under the new Caliphate. Not that any of us actually worked anyway, being liberals and all!

        As for Donald Trump…let’s just say that Xmas will come early for El Chapo. ;)

  • david green

    OK, I am down (as the kids say) with the “Ni hao!”, but how do you say, in Chinese, “Get off my lawn”?

    • Lazy Media

      Xià chē wǒ de cǎopíng!

  • Celtic_Gnome

    So, we now keep organizations that are thought to be “up to something” under active surveillance when there’s no evidence to back our claims? I thought they just went on Double Secret Probation.

    • lynchie

      Following the model set up by the Patriot Act. Watch everybody cause someone is doing some shit.

  • I feel so much better knowing the wing nuts have been sifted from the professional paranoids. Jade Helm 2015 Rules!

  • Jason M

    I thought Jade Helm was Jesse’s cooler half-sister. She smokes e-cigs and sews her own clothes, isn’t that her?

  • Lazy Media

    “Vermilion adopts a business or commercial centric visual model, with corporate background shades interwoven with configurable, vibrant or brand colors, allowing for an equilibrium between professionalism and artistic allure.”

    Oh, crap. That’s the code phrase! Everyone, it’s on; go to Code Blue Falcon, now! The Jabberwock is in the bullrushes, I say again, the Jabberwock is in the bullrushes. Tell mom I love her. [transmission interrupted]

  • Joseph

    The map above helps spot the islands a of batshittery in the South West. We had one island in MN but it was only on Tuesday Nights and during the horseshoe tournament .

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