Champion USA-America Soccer Lady Wins Match, Gets Lesbianism All Over TV Screen, USA!

Did everyone tune in to the Women's World Cup Finals Sunday evening? If you are a lesbian, you did, because that was a thing that all living lesbians were required by law to do. It was so exciting! Our ladies beat the Japanese ladies, and America is the champion of the Women's World Cup for the first time since 1999. U-S-A! U-S-A!

By the end of the first 16 minutes, America, Fuck Yeah! had scored four goals, including "the fastest hat trick in tournament history," from our new President Of Soccer, Carli Lloyd. She had a very good game!

Also having a very good game? Abby Wambach, who came in at the end for her fourth World Cup performance, which will most likely also be her last. She was so very happy she won that she decided to thank America by getting her lesbianism all over the teevee screen! Where do we gays get off these days? Wambach, as you can see in the video above, went up to her wife Sarah Huffman and kissed her right on the mouth, in a gay way. What about all the children watching? Oh, they're fine, they just saw a lady who loves her wife, and maybe one day they all will grow up to be world-record-holding soccer lesbians just like Abby Wambach.

Want to watch how good at sports our American lady soccer team is? Here are all five of our goals, which prove America is the best even at sissypants gay European socialism sports. Take THAT, world!

Yr Wonkette watched the match in a big warehouse-type bar with a bunch of lesbians, and though we had never actually wondered "what do 200 lesbians sound like happily shouting in a crowded warehouse?" we now know the answer:  IT IS VERY LOUD. They are a mighty and boisterous people.

So, congrats to the US American ladies, and now that everybody is paying attention, maybe we should do something about the fact that our American women are paid 98 PERCENT LESS MONEY than their counterparts on the penis-having guy team. Ya think? They should be making AT LEAST 78% of what the dudes make, right?

[ Slate ]