SHARE

Siddown. Shaddup.

Having burned all his bridges in New Jersey – those he didn’t shut down, anyway – Gov. Chris Christie today announced his escape plan: to run for the GOP nomination for president in 2016. There are so many reasons why Christie is likely undertaking this utterly doomed effort: ego, pride, galactically outsized ambition, the fact that everyone in his state hates him so much he might as well spend even less time there than he already does. Yr Wonkette couldn’t make it to this announcement in person like last time, but we could commandeer the TV in our brother’s living room to watch and write a live-blog.

10:15 A.M. – While we’re running our nephews over to their mom’s workplace so we can come back and watch this shitfuffle in peace, we’ll leave you with some background material. Here is the announcement video Christie released Sunday night that makes him look like an old Catskills comedian now earning a living playing nursing homes. Here is an article about a recent Farleigh Dickinson University poll showing him with an approval rating in New Jersey of 30 percent, lower than the approvals of former Governor Jon Corzine at the time that Christie thumped him in the 2009 election. Here is a video of a monkey masturbating, which pretty much sums up what the entire political press will look like for the next 17 months.

11:00 A.M. – Christie is making his big announcement at his alma mater, Livingston High School in Livingston, where the big lug began his political career by serving as class president for three years. Definitely not in attendance? The school district superintendent, who announced he would boycott the speech as a protest of Christie treating the schools and the teachers’ unions like the toilet of an Atlantic City casino after he tore through the complimentary buffet.

Also likely not in attendance: Christie’s Livingston H.S. buddy and former consigliere David Wildstein, who is busy these days meeting with his lawyers after taking a plea deal in federal court over his role in the Bridgegate scandal. If Christie’s campaign ends with him being indicted on corruption charges, it will most likely be because Wildstein sang like a canary in exchange for a reduced prison sentence.

The best part? Christie is only one of the Republican governors running for president who could be undone by criminal charges before the primary voters start hitting the polls. (Bobby Jindal remains too dumb to so much as successfully tear the tag off a mattress.) Democracy!

Meanwhile, Hillary Clinton forgot to turn over to Benghazi Investigation Czar Rep. Trey Gowdy some emails telling Bill she’d be home late because she wanted to hit a yoga class. BOTH SIDES!!!111!

11:05 A.M. – Kelly O’Donnell on liberal propaganda organ Pravda MSNBC says that Christie hopes to make his big personality his major draw. Chris Christie: Like a terrible blind date, but worse!

11:10 A.M. – We missed the name of the person introducing Christie because it’s on a split screen with the MSNBC panel, where Tamron Hall is showing a montage of times the big lug has told people to sit down and shut up. Expect to see this montage approximately 7,456,854,387 times if Christie gets any traction in this race.

11:15 A.M. – Per Politico, Christie is not using a teleprompter today so as to showcase his slogan that he’s “telling it like it is.” And also because you just know that speaking extemporaneously will be a skill the candidates will bludgeon voters over the head with after eight years of the Kenyan Usurper reading off a teleprompter like a common moron. Expect to see a Christie campaign ad built around this exceptional skill sometime soon.

11:18 A.M. – And here’s Christie, along with his four kids and his wife wearing a dress in a bright enough shade of yellow to make us check the color balance on our TV.

One of the women holding a sign behind the stage keeps blinking in an exaggerated manner, like a hostage in a video signaling S.O.S with her eyes. Which for all we know is exactly what’s happening.

11:22 A.M. – Christie going through the obligatory family biography. His dad went to Rutgers at night while working crap jobs during the day, his parents wanted the American Dream, blah blah blah. It’s Candidate Announcement Mad Libs. “My parents worked in a __________ factory in __________. They could never have dreamed their ________ would one day be a two-term ___________ from _____________.”

11:27 A.M. – He’s bragging about his record getting New Jersey budgets under control (using the smoke and mirrors tricks that all governors use to balance their state budgets, which is often a constitutional requirement). There were hard choices! Chris Christie made them! Now most everyone in New Jersey hates him! Vote Christie, he wants to be hated by all of America!

11:30 A.M. – The blinking lady is gone, whisked back to the dungeon under the governor’s mansion, presumably.

11:35 A.M. – Ripping on both parties for refusing to “compromise.” Hey, remember when President Obama used to talk about compromise and the members of Christie’s party told him to fuck off again and again and again? Sure we’re liberal homers, but we don’t think this is a “both sides!” issue. There is one side that tried to be reasonable and one side full of people whose brains were long ago eaten by space lizards.

Christie says the American people are not angry, so he’ll yell at them until they get angry.

11:42 A.M. – LOL, not using a teleprompter but there is a little music stand that he keeps reading off of. So off the cuff!

11:45 A.M. – Hitting Obama on his “weak and feckless” foreign policy and leadership in the world. Vote for Christie, who will yell at our allies until they do what we want them to do. America will be Respected again! Yes, we meant to capitalize that.

Give Christie this: He works hard to sound passionate. He just feels so … small. To us he sounds like an alderman yelling at his constituents to let the big developer build the mall on the land where they want a park. He’s a small-timer whose ambitions are so far ahead of his qualifications, he’s about to start lapping them.

11:49 A.M. – “A campaign that every day will not worry about what is popular but what is right, because what is right will fix America, not what’s popular.” Is he quoting Tanya Donelly lyrics?

11:56 P.M. – And it’s over! Christie will immediately decamp for New Hampshire to campaign for several days. We haven’t seen a New Jersey resident flee to New Hampshire that fast since Vito Spatafore also left home ahead of a scandal that dropped his approval rating to zero. And he was an earner! Whereas Christie’s entire economic record as governor is a video of him yelling at public-sector unions while his state’s credit rating swirls down the shitter.

Welcome to 2016, Governor. We thank you in advance for the laughter.

$
Donate with CCDonate with CC
  • Tendernob

    Kremes Krispie isn’t going to “run” for office – he’s going to take a cab there.

    • ArgieBargie

      Cabs are for peasants. He’s taking a helicopter ride, and it will look something like this:

      • Blank Ron

        Though with a bigger whale.

  • ArgieBargie

    Well, I believe the 2016 GOP Clowncar is officially full now.

    • HobbesEvilTwin

      that’s okay; Christie’s a resourceful guy.

      • Oblios_Cap

        He’ll just eat a few of them for lunch.

    • Blank Ron

      Rumour has it that the RNC is looking into leasing a semi.

  • Thaumaturgist

    I’d let Chris use my bathroom.

    If I wasn’t afraid he’d crush the commode.

  • mrFawkes

    The klown kar was upgraded to double decker bus to accommodate the Outlaw Jersey Whale.

    • elviouslyqueer

      The only thing missing from this is “and towing a double-wide.”

  • Lori

    Oh goody. Months and months of fat jokes. Just what the world needs.

  • DahBoner
  • Lizzietish81

    “I’m a thug! You like thugs! You enjoyed The Godfather right? Oh sorry Ben”

  • freakishlystrong

    No fair. How come a Democrat windsurfs and is pilloried for life and…crickets.

  • freakishlystrong

    Good Gawd, Morning Joe will be is insufferable.

  • Lizzietish81

    Once again, I must ask as a lifelong fattie to please refrain from making fat jokes. There is so much to hate Christie for other than his size…

    Dammit Chris

    http://hmag.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/01/Screen-Shot-2015-01-29-at-11.57.34-PM.png

    • ArgieBargie

      OK, but Christie is not a just a “fattie.” He’s a morbidly obese man spending thousand and thousands of dollars on concession stands hot dogs:
      http://wonkette.com/585280/chris-christie-eated-all-the-snacks

      • Lizzietish81

        My mother was addicted to food to deal with her depression, which made her fatter, which made her depressed, which made her eat more food. She died at 47 of a heart attack.

        Obesity and using food as comfort is something I’ve struggled with my whole life, something that a lot of people struggle with but isn’t taken seriously.

        • John Hancock

          It’s impossible to feel sorry for someone who willfully engages in such an obvious pattern of conscious self-destruction to become obese, which is the #1 health care issue and cost we’ve ever faced as a nation. It’s calories in vs. calories out. The laws of thermodynamics apply to everyone and everything.

          • Kat Anyperson

            No, that’s not how it works with nutrition and obesity. Different bodies metabolize differently and not all calories are created equal.

          • John Hancock

            That’s not how it works. You can, literally, lose weight on McDonald’s if you eat fewer calories than you expend. That’s why it’s called the Laws of Thermodynamics.

            Hormones allow for a negligible difference in metabolic rates and that’s a scientific fact. The empirical data and science prove you, unequivocally, wrong. i.e. a Thyroid condition/diagnosis will only account for 10-20 lbs. of weight which is easily controlled.

            If you were correct than you’d win the Nobel Prize for discovering the “perpetual motion machine” and would’ve solved the energy crisis with your one comment. Only those who are obese/fat will believe what you wrote as it’s easier than modifying their lifestyle habits.

            www dot today dot com/health/man-loses-56-pounds-after-eating-only-mcdonalds-six-months-2D79329158

            www dot cnn dot com/2010/HEALTH/11/08/twinkie.diet.professor/

          • Lefty Frizzell

            I’d hazard a guess that mostly they (obese people) know that already, and don’t enjoy being obese, and yet continue to eat. It’s not as if nobody’s thought about this before, and all that’s required is a good talking to.

            It is indeed potentially bankrupting the country, so everybody else better get their priorities straight and decide if they want to feel superior, or invest in finding a strategy that works.

            So, good for Michelle Obama!

          • John Hancock

            The “strategy” is simple: Eat less food.

            Almost uniformly, every fat/obese person I’ve seen or heard: grossly underestimate the amount of food they eat, overestimate the amount of exercise they get. They’re sneak eaters. They engage in ignorant fat logic to justify their condition and life style choices.

          • Lori

            There’s also a simple strategy for being less of a jerk and yet so many people just won’t do it. What a bunch of fuck ups, right?

          • John Hancock

            I don’t have the time or energy to engage in a hand wringing pity party if someone wants to commit suicide by eating themselves do death. What does irk me is that I’m paying for their health care choices and the costs associated with their choices are crushing our health care system. Here is the math:

            www dot mckinsey dot com/insights/economic_studies/how_the_world_could_better_fight_obesity

          • Lizzietish81
          • sudden_eyes

            Perfect! I’ve been using this gif more and more often level. I think the crazy out there is getting to me …

          • vivian

            Ah, so it’s a money problem for you as opposed to a genuine concern for anyone’s quality of life. Wow. I guess that diet of stale, lightly-salted rat dicks must be pretty low-cal, even if it apparently eats away at your brain.

          • Lefty Frizzell

            …and my point is that he is NOT motivating anybody to eat less, so his strategy is NOT working and he is NOT saving money. The dogged determination with which he evades that is, I think, testament to it not being his real objective, which, we can guess, is similar to most if not all of his ilk – to inflate his ego at the expense of those he feels in some way to be weaker.

          • Lizzietish81

            What gets me is that this is the only thing he’s commented on here, which means he wanders through Disques looking for discussions of fatties to come in and troll.

          • Lefty Frizzell

            I’ll go for “self-loathing fatty in a basement”.

            6’5″, 215 lbs, 7% – it’s “too perfect”, smacks of wishful thinking.

          • Lizzietish81

            Oh I can believe he’s pumped, I mean steroids do make men more aggressive.

            He’s just sad cause he has a perfect body and no one will love him.

          • John Hancock

            That’s ironic comment from someone who’s obese.

          • Sam Hain

            It’s you mental health that’s lacking.

          • John Hancock

            It’s your literacy that’s lacking.

          • Sam Hain

            Just a typo dickbag ( as if it wasn’t obvious), no need to start spouting how illiterates cost you money and should be put to death.

          • John Hancock

            So, this is what passes for class in your meth cooking trailer park. Good to know! :)

          • r m reddicks

            Though some of the guys at the gym do right up until they hear him do the talking thing with his mouth.

          • John Hancock

            Yes, it is a money problem. They are destroying our health care system. What about that do you not understand?

          • vivian

            I understand that money is a poor measure of happiness, that people as a specie are invested with great complexity, that some find that complexity too much to bear and turn into moral scolds, and that arguing with a lizard is a waste of time.

          • John Hancock

            Losing weight and taking care of yourself is not a complex endeavor. It’s easy. It takes years and conscious decisions and actions to become obese. They’re not expiring fast enough for our system to support them.

          • r m reddicks

            Just take a look at his disqus account. He’s not a healthy boy.

          • Lizzietish81

            I know right? Breitbart, some stuff about how men and women can’t talk, clearly he has mother issues.

            Say you know who else was a health nut with mommy issues?

          • John Hancock

            Ironic comment from someone who can’t even control their own weight.

          • Lizzietish81

            It’s ok, let it out.

          • John Hancock

            Ironic comment is ironic. It must be a personal problem, the whole “eating yourself to obesity” thing.

          • vivian

            Stupid comment from someone who can’t control their own stupidity. Glad you liked yourself though. Kinda says it all right there.

          • r m reddicks

            He’s got some of those phrasings set up on a moran macro program. (See his disqus page) Probably making 9000 usd a week in his sister’s basement pushing alt + something key. I think he bought an AMC Pacer with his earnings and his sister is really pissed that he won’t move out.

          • IHateFatChicks

            That’s an ironic comment from someone with your “issues.”

          • nothingisamiss

            I can’t believe I missed this 9 hr ago conversation with a dickhead who’s been deleted but has anyone else said Hitler?!??!!!

          • Lizzietish81

            Hopefully he’ll be featured on Deleted comments

          • Lori

            Are you equally nasty to everyone who engages in behavior that causes expensive health care costs? Gun owners for example. Do you shame them for the fact that gun violence costs taxpayers hundreds of millions of dollars a year in healthcare costs?

          • John Hancock

            The cost of gun owners is a fraction of the cost of obesity. I can empirically cite the cost of obesity annually vs. the cost of gun violence, annually. Lets do the math:

            1. The estimated annual health care costs of obesity-related illness are a staggering $190.2 billion or nearly 21% of annual medical spending in the United States. Childhood obesity alone is responsible for $14 billion in direct medical costs.

            See: Cawley J, Meyerhoefer C. The medical care costs of obesity: an instrumental variables approach. Journal of Health Economics. 31(1):219-230. 2012.

            2. The estimated medical costs of gun violence are approximately $2 Billion annually, which is approximately 1% of the cost of obesity.

            http://www.thecrimereport.org/news/inside-criminal-justice/2013-11-the-public-health-cost-of-gun-violence

          • Lori

            Well, I guess that makes your nastiness justifiable then.

          • pstockholm

            But we’re all paying for the costs, both hidden and all too obvious, that you being a complete dick are imposing on the country. So I guess that kind of evens things out.

          • John Hancock

            That is correct and I, for one, am tired of it. They need to die sooner, it’s that simple.

          • Sam Hain

            Right just like that skull full of maggots and cocaine Breitbart.

          • John Hancock

            Stay classy.

          • John Hancock

            And, this, ladies and gentleman is how you write after obtaining your GED. Congratulations.

          • Amy!

            Shy Pixel, Dok Zoom? This one here ^^ appears to be across the line (others as well, but this one’s death-wishing). Not a asset. More of a idiot.

          • Youreacunt

            Amazing a fat moronic prepubescent loser. Go fuck yourself you vacuous, vapid cunt.

          • Sam Hain

            Allow me to paraphrase; “blah, blah, blah, me, me, me” with a pinch of hate on top.

          • Lizzietish81

            Look at his history, he’s from Breitbart.

            Time to call in the hammer of loving correction, Shypixel.

            Thank you Mr. Hancock for proving that fat shaming is the refuge of hateful and intellectually lazy people who refuse to accept or even see the complexities of humanity. I think you have done us all a service by showing us what fat shaming is all about.

          • Lori

            Oy. Breitbart. That explains it.

          • Blank Ron

            I was under the impression that it’s usually all about self-loathing.

          • Lefty Frizzell

            I rather think you’re missing the point here.

            Is the strategy of simply pointing out that they should eat less food working, for either party?

          • John Hancock

            It works for me. I don’t feel the compulsion to, literally, put a feed bag on a eat myself to a slow suicide. It’s call self-control. I also like being able to wash myself without a rag on a stick and being able to wipe myself. Basic hygiene becomes more impossible for the obese. It’s pathetic and, quite frankly, disgusting.

          • Lefty Frizzell

            No. I mean: your strategy with regards to fat people of simply telling them to eat less; is it working? Have any fat people started eating less after meeting you?

          • John Hancock

            That is the ONLY way they’ll lose weight. It isn’t magic. It’s common sense, empirical data and science in application.

          • Lefty Frizzell

            So I’ll take that as a “no” then.

            I think we’ve taken this tete-a-tete about as far as we can, so I’ll just politely suggest you might want to try a different approach, just for the hell of it, and leave it at that.

          • Kat Anyperson

            So far all he’s given us is fallacy. Smells like trollmeat.

          • Lizzietish81

            Like I said, he’s a Breitbarter.

          • John Hancock

            I will never hire or with a fat/obese person. They can’t get it done, ever. My approach works. I don’t care about their “fee fees” or “condishuns”. They’re fat/obese because they want to be. Darwin will work their issues out in good time, just not fast enough.

          • r m reddicks

            So actually your method of burning calories is typing endlessly while bouncing in your seat? My dear ol’ kiddo managed to do that when she was about 1 year old. And her typing made just about the same sense.

          • Blank Ron

            I’m guessing not a few of them found themselves too nauseated by his presence to be able to eat for hours afterwards. I know the type. Ew.

          • Kat Anyperson

            Wow, ok hun, You should probably take nutritional advice from medical experts and not clickbait articles about people who are giving themselves a slow death via stroke from salt and processed fat intake. If you eat like shit, you aren’t getting the vitamins and minerals your body needs to function correctly. It even impacts your epigenome and gene function.

            http://learn.genetics.utah.edu/content/epigenetics/nutrition/

            A calorie is a calorie violates the second law of thermodynamics.
            http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC506782/
            http://junkfoodscience.blogspot.com/2008/10/first-law-of-thermodynamics-in-real.html

            More than hormones affect metabolic rates and more than the Thyroid itself controls those hormones. Some people have naturally suppressed metabolisms. Others have entirely shut down metabolisms- their bodies assume they are in starvation mode so cells change more caloric intake into fat. That problem is a documented genetic disorder.

            As for your 20 pound claim, please point to the medical research on that one. I looked and didn’t see it. I call bullshit until such research is produced.

          • John Hancock

            It’s always the fat/obese people, such as you, who refuse to believe all medical science, medical and empirical data, etc. The data, irrefutably, disproves your fallacious, erroneous comments and “studies” taken out of context. You don’t know how to read these studies. You cite 2 ridiculous blogs and Feinman, who validates everything I’ve stated. You don’t know what you’re talking about.

          • vivian

            Wow. I’ve never heard someone make health seem so unappealing. Did you lose all compassion during your compulsive workouts or is it a congenital defect?

          • John Hancock

            I do and enjoy things that fat/obese people will never be able to and, yet, they continue down this path of self-destruction. To be like them IS unappealing. I don’t have compassion for those who destroy themselves and expect me to feel sorry for them for what they’re doing. Again, it’s like me feeling “sorry” for a 2 pack a day smoker. It’s a choice.

          • vivian

            So is being a dickhead, but that isn’t stopping you.

          • John Hancock

            :) Thank you.

          • vivian

            need a tissue?

          • Kat Anyperson

            Nah, he already has that and the lotion out.

          • John Hancock

            No, I’m enjoying your tears of lard and butter.

          • r m reddicks

            I think you missed it. But that’s no surprise.

          • vivian

            vapor trails

          • r m reddicks

            Maybe in Johnny Hancocks “life” it’s more like chemtrails.

          • Kat Anyperson

            The brain IS made of fat. If the body is starved of fat long enough, it affects brain function and gene expression.

          • Kat Anyperson

            And look how quickly you turn to personal attack when you know you’ve got nothing left- both of myself and of my sources.

            The first site is The Genetic Science Learning Center at The University of Utah. You missed the bit in the Feinman study where he says “Homeostatic mechanisms are able to insure that, a good deal of the time, weight does not fluctuate much with changes in diet”. The only actual blog present cites multiple medical studies that prove you wrong.

            You’re talking out of your ass.

            Btw, still waiting on that “20 pounds” proof. Better do it fast before the Banhammer nuke gets dropped.

          • John Hancock

            My comments are accurate and only those who are fat/obese are looking for a “weight loss pill”, bariatric furniture and toilets and gastric bypass. When someone doesn’t know they’re pregnant and has a baby or seeks to gain MORE weight to justify gastric bypass then all logic, reason and common sense have been discarded. Sorry, but I’m right and you’re wrong. That’s painfully evident.

          • Kat Anyperson

            You’ve given no proof that your comments are accurate.

            You’ve presented no scientific evidence to support your claims. (Funny, cause I have.)

            You can’t even prove that I’m a fat, as you have accused in an attempt to discredit what I’m saying via ad hom.

            Now you’re just trying to get as much vitriol in as possible before being banned. Are you auditioning for the deleted comments of the week thread, sunshine? Is that a card on wignut bingo?

          • John Hancock

            Yes. I. Have.

          • Kat Anyperson

            No. You have not. You’ve given us “common knowledge” fallacies, your “say so”, two clickbait articles about people on unhealthy diets losing weight (likely the result of metabolic shutdown- I’d love a followup with those frakers in a few years) and a whole lot of insults.

            I even asked you for specific proof of your claim about the Thyroid and weight loss. I don’t see it in your replies to me.

            You’ve got nothing. You’re full of shit and you are only here to bully. I say this based solely on the way you have talked to and about people who don’t agree with you. I feel genuinely sorry for the people who have to deal with you on a daily basis if this is how you act in public.

          • Kat Anyperson

            Sunshine, I’m attacking your argument.

            Anything I say about your behavior is completely separate from my attacking your argument. It’s like proving that water is wet by splashing you with some and then calling you a dumb ass for insisting that it wasn’t.

            Now you are moving on to the victim card. You are rolling through the bully behaviors checklist at a nice clip.

          • John Hancock

            My argument is correct. It’s calories in vs. calories out. If you eat fewer calories than you expend you WILL lose weight. It doesn’t get any simpler than that but fat people don’t want to do that. They prefer to eat themselves to death.

          • Lizzietish81
          • John Hancock

            If you’re looking for sympathy, look someplace else.

          • Lizzietish81

            I’m getting plenty of sympathy here. And laughing at your beefcake nonsense has really lifted my spirits.

          • John Hancock

            Sure. Right. OK. Quality of life matters. Fat/obese people have chosen to have a terrible quality of life.

          • Sam Hain

            God you’re a fucking redundant piece of shit, thou doth protest too much, it’s obvious you have a fat-hangup and ya know what no one cares, douche.

          • John Hancock

            So, what’s it like to write all your responses in crayon while giving yourself a stroke? You’re all class. So sensitive, so angry and so pathetic all at the same time.

          • janecita

            People deal with stress in different ways. Some people use food as a coping mechanism. I use Zumba and jogging as mine, but not ever person is the same. Judging people by the way they look, without knowing how they got there, it’s incredibly shallow and irresponsible.

          • John Hancock

            No, it’s incredibly accurate. People don’t become morbidly obese eating air. It’s the #1 health care issue and cost we’ve ever faced and it’s increased 400% since 1980 and that’s not related to genetics or obesity. It’s a choice. I can, and do, judge people who are fat/obese as it does demonstrate a lack of self-control, self-respect and self-restraint.

            Fat people consume more healthcare dollars, miss more work, etc. than those who are height/weight appropriate. These are undeniable facts.

          • PubOption
          • John Hancock

            You may want to adjust your tinfoil hat, as it’s cutting off the blood flow to your bum. Wrong JH, as this is just a convenient moniker for me.

          • r m reddicks

            How long before you tell us about the cool aston-martin you bought working on-line in your sister’s basement after you were out of work for 2 years?

          • John Hancock

            Now you’re just ridiculous and overweight.

          • janecita

            If you saw my aunt, you would probably think that she is overweight. She isn’t, she has cirrhosis of the liver (she never drank alcohol, so don’t go there) and both her liver and pancreas are enlarged. Like I said before, judging a person without knowing their story is shallow.
            Ps: I’m 5.3 and 102 pounds, so I really don’t have a pony in this race.

          • John Hancock

            If they look fat, the likelihood is that they are fat. BMI is an excellent first indicator of overall health for everyone UNLESS you’re a professional athlete or bodybuilder as these are the only outliers. It’s easy to judge and your aunt is the exception that proves the rule. Citing 1 ridiculous anecdotal bit of “evidence” only demonstrates you don’t know what you’re talking about. I’m 6’5″ and 215 lbs. with body fat under 7%. I don’t treat my body like a toilet.

          • Lefty Frizzell

            “I’m 6’5″ and 215 lbs. with body fat under 7%”

            Cool story bro

          • John Hancock

            And accurate, it’s what playing D1 athletics and not allowing yourself to fall apart will do for you. I don’t offer/give lame excuses for not taking care of myself. I would wager you’re fat.

          • Lefty Frizzell

            5’4″ 139 lbs – kinda short and medium shaped.

            Still – it was a cool story bro

          • John Hancock

            Shaming worked on smokers, it’ll work on fat people. They’re not a protected class. They’re not a minority. They’re not handicapped. It’s a choice, just like smoking. The average woman in America is 5’4″ and 166 lbs., which is fat by any measure.

          • Kat Anyperson

            Current research into weight loss and obesity suggests otherwise, sunshine.

            http://www.livescience.com/47787-fat-shaming-weight-gain.html

            So far you’ve been wrong on all counts.

          • John Hancock

            No, it doesn’t. Tell yourself whatever you need to in order to sleep at night. This is ridiculous and you don’t know what you’re talking about. This is “fat logic” at it’s finest and not surprising.
            You’ve just listed a “self reporting” survey which isn’t a legitimate scientific study. What about that do you not get?

          • Kat Anyperson

            Again, personal attacks from you to counter. There are more studies than that out there about the effect of weight gain and bullying. I linked that one to see if you would actually read the article. >=)

            Here’s another for you to dig for flaws in.

            http://journals.plos.org/plosone/article?id=10.1371/journal.pone.0070048

            Put down the weights and pick up a logic book. Might I suggest the following title? It may be more your speed.

            http://www.amazon.com/Logic-For-Dummies-Mark-Zegarelli/dp/0471799416

          • John Hancock

            Again, no science. No irony there.

          • Kat Anyperson

            I see you’ve moved on to the “delusional denialist” stage of trolling since you can’t counter that one.

            “Participants were drawn from the Health and Retirement Study, a
            nationally representative longitudinal survey of community-dwelling US
            residents. A total of 6,157 participants (58.6% female) completed the
            discrimination measure and had weight and height available from the 2006
            and 2010 assessments. Participants who experienced weight
            discrimination were approximately 2.5 times more likely to become obese
            by follow-up (OR = 2.54, 95% CI = 1.58–4.08) and participants who were
            obese at baseline were three times more likely to remain obese at follow
            up (OR = 3.20, 95% CI = 2.06–4.97) than those who had not experienced
            such discrimination. These effects held when controlling for demographic
            factors (age, sex, ethnicity, education) and when baseline BMI was
            included as a covariate. These effects were also specific to weight
            discrimination; other forms of discrimination (e.g., sex, race) were
            unrelated to risk of obesity at follow-up. The present research
            demonstrates that, in addition to poorer mental health outcomes, weight
            discrimination has implications for obesity. Rather than motivating
            individuals to lose weight, weight discrimination increases risk for
            obesity.”

          • John Hancock

            Another self-reporting survey. You’re not helping yourself.

          • Kat Anyperson

            Self reporting surveys have their problems, sunshine, but those problems do not make them completely invalid. There are hundreds of these studies over decades all available for reading over Google. When there are that many over that long a period of time, it indicates a pattern that we might not be able to fully understand yet. (Governments use these self reporting surveys to make major policy decisions because they ARE often reliable when they add up like that.)

            As obesity is an epigenetic and gene expression problem regardless of what you eat and those fields are only in their infancy, we are only just beginning to fully understand the problem. It’s much like how people used to assume severe mental illness was “demons” or “personal weakness” when we now know it to be mostly genetic.

            There are also controlled studies. Quite frankly, I doubt you know enough about science or medicine to understand these articles contents and are looking for excuses to dismiss them outright.

            http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC2858344/

          • John Hancock

            A self-reporting survey is not a scientific study.

          • Kat Anyperson

            Now you are moving the goalposts on what constitutes scientific while presenting no scientific evidence of your own.

          • John Hancock

            Here you go:

            http://www.cdc.gov/Obesity

            http://stanfordhospital.org/cl

            http://news.yahoo.com/doctors-

            http://www.nbcnews.com/health/

            http://finance.yahoo.com/news/

            http://www.reuters.com/article

            http://www.huffingtonpost.com/

            http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/11/01/obesity-rate-us-increasing_n_4193963.html

            http://healthyamericans.org/obesity/

            http://frac.org/initiatives/hunger-and-obesity/obesity-in-the-us/

            http://www.cdc.gov/obesity/data/adult.html

            http://www.goranlab.com/pdf/78.pdf

            http://healthland.time.com/2013/12/02/you-cant-be-fit-and-fat/

            http://www.mckinsey.com/insights/economic_studies/how_the_world_could_better_fight_obesity

            http://journals.lww.com/ajnonline/Fulltext/2014/12000/CE___The_Obesity_Epidemic,_Part_1___Understanding.23.aspx

            http://www.cdc.gov/obesity/data/adult.html

            http://news.sciencemag.org/biology/2014/07/can-you-be-obese-and-still-be-healthy

            http://www.nbcnews.com/id/10792368/ns/health-fitness/t/study-confirms-you-cant-be-fat-healthy/#.VP8EWU0tFwE

            http://www.hsph.harvard.edu/obesity-prevention-source/obesity-causes/physical-activity-and-obesity/

            http://www.nbcnews.com/id/39571973/ns/health-diet_and_nutrition/t/obesitys-hidden-job-costs-billion/#.VQxdBk0tFwE

            http://www.nbcnews.com/health/cancer/three-drinks-give-you-liver-cancer-coffee-protects-n330131 Obesity directly linked to cancers

            http://stateofobesity.org/fastfacts/

            http://www.today.com/health/man-loses-56-pounds-after-eating-only-mcdonalds-six-months-2D79329158

            http://www.cnn.com/2010/HEALTH/11/08/twinkie.diet.professor/ Professor loses weight eating twinkies.

            http://www.examiner.com/article/research-confirms-obesity-is-now-leading-cause-of-preventable-death-u-s

            http://www.cdc.gov/nchs/fastats/leading-causes-of-death.htm

            http://www.womenshealthmag.com/health/obesity-risks

            http://www.medscape.com/viewarticle/474966

            http://www.nhlbi.nih.gov/health/health-topics/topics/obe/risks Obesity health issues.

            http://www.niddk.nih.gov/health-information/health-statistics/Pages/overweight-obesity-statistics.aspx

            http://www.thinandhealthyforever.com/CalorieRequirement.asp

            http://www.mdnewsdaily.com/articles/3253/20150518/maternal-obesity-compromises-babies-immune-system-at-time-of-birth.htm

            http://www.medicine.ox.ac.uk/bandolier/booth/hliving/isob.html

            http://www.nbcnews.com/health/diet-fitness/were-getting-even-fatter-survey-finds-n365276

            http://www.gallup.com/poll/183155/obesity-rate-lowest-hawaii-highest-mississippi.aspx

            http://i.imgur.com/ayaziL6.png

            http://www.caloriecontrol.org/calculator/weight-maintenance-calculator-women

            http://www.lifespanfitness.com/fitness/resources/calories-calculator

          • Kat Anyperson

            Sunshine, that is what we refer to as an “info dump”. It’s not an actual response, it’s an attempt to derail and distract. Users of this tactic usually hope that the person they are talking with will either not check all the links (or will click on something malicious after a long string of benign links) or other readers will be fooled by the sheer volume of links presented. It’s a bet on laziness.

            *You start off with a CDC main portal link.
            *The second is another portal to a health care provider.
            *The third is a link about the dangers of skinny jeans.
            *The next is a link about vaccine laws.
            *The next is yahoo business news’s portal.
            *Rueters main portal.
            *Huffpo main portal.
            *Next Huffpo link is simply that obesity rates are rising.
            *Next is another main portal to an obesity info database.
            *Next is the same.
            *Next is scant statistical data from the first link, showing number of obese and estimated cost.
            *The Time fit & fat article I counter with a controlled study “These results suggest that a small percentage of U.S. adults can be
            considered fit but fat, and that obesity is independently associated
            with reduced cardiovascular fitness.” http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC2885314/
            *Next link is a main portal of a generic “how to fight obesity” site.
            * Next link suggests more exercise for people to fight obesity, but in the first paragraph backs up everything that I’m saying about genetics, epigenetics and gene expression.

            I think I’ve more than proven you’ve got nothing. All you’ve done is state what we already know- obesity can be harmful to your health. You’ve failed to prove it is solely the domain of bad diet and exercise and some of your own failed attempt at an info dump actually invalidated your own arguments.

            Try harder, little one.

          • John Hancock

            Fat/obese are experts at fat logic.

          • Kat Anyperson

            More personal attacks and assumptions from you to counter the complete and total annihilation of your argument. Ad homs don’t make you right, sunshine.

            You keep working those mental gymnastics for all to see, tho.

            Assumptions like the one you made say more about you than
            they do about the person you are attacking. As my profile pic is of a sci fi actress and you don’t know my name, you have no idea what I actually look like. Such attacks are either an attempt to bully someone insecure about their weight, a projection of your mental processes necessary to dismiss said person’s opinion, or an attempt to dig for personal info that you can then use to formulate an attack.

            You got nothin and are on borrowed time, presuming you haven’t been banned in the interim.

          • John Hancock

            Ironic comment is ironic. I written nothing to justify being banned. The earths not flat. Evolution is a fact and fat people are fat because they eat too much food. It’s that simple. If you’re insecure about your weight, do something about it.

          • Kat Anyperson

            Again, you don’t know what I look like. You don’t know if I’m a size 2 or a size 20. You don’t know my ethnicity, how tall I am, how often I exercise. You seem to have mistaken me pointing out your assumptive fallacies for a crack in my defenses. I don’t give a flying frak what some two bit jerk (who doesn’t know me) thinks I look like.

            I am purposefully not giving you any information about my life beyond my comment about medical conditions necessitating a few extra pounds. I left that breadcrumb for you to chase and prove me right- that your intent is to troll and bully. That is, incidentally, enough to get you banned here at the Wonkette. Assholes are fed to the Grue and then mocked on Sundays by the townsfolk.

            None of what you linked constituted proof of your claims. Most of it wasn’t even relevant (lol skinny jeans). You even resorted to upvoting yourself in what I suspect is a sad attempt at argumentum ad populum.

            Learn your limits, little troll. I think you’re a few IQ points shy of being able to handle this crowd.

          • John Hancock

            Sure. Right. OK.

          • Sam Hain

            “Sure. Right. OK” The white flag of a pathetic troll…nothing to say princess?

          • John Hancock

            Anyone communicating with you automatically feels their IQ drop at least 30 points.

          • Kat Anyperson

            Thanks for admitting you’ve got nothing left. <3

          • John Hancock

            You’re wrong and you know it. With you it’s all about the “fee fees” and not about real data and science.

          • Kat Anyperson

            Your response was nothing but assumptive fallacy and ad hominem attack. Neither invalidate the studies I linked, particularly the clinical, controlled study about gene function, stress and it’s link to obesity.

            You’ve rather gone off the rails since I linked that one- is that what has you so desperate to derail the discussion that you linked articles about vaccinations and the dangers of skinny jeans as “proof” of your claims?

          • Lizzietish81

            He’ll always have his abs.

          • Sam Hain

            Kat just handed you your ass on platter, heh-heh…and you’re such a hypocritical sociopath that you don’t live up to your own standards.
            What a surprise princess.

          • John Hancock

            So, someone posts unfounded, unscientific, unsubstantiated information, blogs and self-reporting surveys labeling them as “science” and all the fat/obese tumblr sjw half-wits pat her on her back and tell her how “brilliant” she is. Color me unsurprised and amused at what passes for intellect and logic in your ghetto zip code. You’re a failure at life.

          • Sam Hain

            Do you masturbate to yourself in a mirror, must be just like up-voting yourself.

          • Kat Anyperson

            Keep up-voting yourself, little one. It’s adorable that you are so proud of the hateful bullshit pouring out of your mouth.

          • TheBidenator

            Sounds like a Gish Gallop was trotted out…so many bullshit points in rapid fire succession designed not to stump or outdo but merely to overwhelm with the pure weight of nonsense. Sorry I missed this troll, sounds like he was fun to kick around…especially for thinking being fit means you can be an imperious prick. I’m fit and I realize that everyone comes in different shapes and sizes with different life experiences, mental health situations, medical conditions, economic conditions, etc. and that hurling insults at someone just for being larger than your personal ideal is fucked up bullshit….well, sorry I missed this troll.

          • Kat Anyperson

            I am sorry you missed the pig roast. Sub par trolling skills, sub par intelligence, but just vicious enough for even some of the most compassionate of the Snark Mob to feast upon.

          • John Hancock

            And you’re still overweight. No surprise there.

          • janecita

            I’ve never been overweight in my whole life, and I’ve never been an insensitive jerk either. I’m glad that you have a healthy ego, you also have an unhealthy, unhelpful attitude and the manners of a bully.

          • John Hancock

            Sorry, but if you’re fat/obese looking for sympathy for something you did entirely to yourself, look someplace else. It’s not bullying, it’s the truth. You’d better develop a thick skin. Smokers don’t expect to be “felt sorry for” nor do they expect special considerations or accommodations for their choices. Only fat/obese people do. I find that amusing ironic. I will offer them no special treatment as they don’t deserve or merit it.

          • Lizzietish81

            Oh I get it, you’re a former smoker who still feels bitter about having to smoke outside.

          • John Hancock

            Nope, never smoked. Never been fat, and never will be. These are all choices. You can’t play D1 sports and smoke. Again, these are choices. So, no, you don’t “get it.” You have problems because of your everyday lifestyle choices, which are entirely within your control. Smoking is disgusting, as is obesity. Shaming worked on smokers, it’ll work on the obese just as effectively.

          • Lizzietish81
          • John Hancock

            You keep digging yourself into a bigger hole. No irony there.

          • Lizzietish81

            Whose digging for iron?

          • John Hancock

            I find it amusing ironic how desperate the fat/obese are to justify their condition and ignore all relevant medical science and empirical data. Good luck with that.

          • Lizzietish81

            You keep using that word, it doesn’t mean what you think it means Allanis.

          • janecita

            I don’t need to develop anything, I’m a size 2! Like I said before, I don’t have a pony in this race, I have empathy.

          • John Hancock

            Do you have empathy for the 2 pack a day smoker walking around with an oxygen tank and still smoking: I don’t.

          • janecita

            You know what, I give up! Too bad that you can’t develop compassion and empathy at the gym. Work on your muscles, because you are sadly lacking on the character department.

          • John Hancock

            Sorry, but if you’re obese you lack character.

          • Lizzietish81

            Zero Mostel libel!

          • r m reddicks

            Jesus Christ, you’re a fucking idiot.

          • John Hancock

            Ironic comment is ironic.

          • vivian

            Moranic comment is moranic. And stale. You don’t even troll well. Witless and unoriginal. Try again, but this time, try to evidence either humor or some lesser form of self-awareness.

          • vivian

            If you are an example of someone with character, I’d prefer not to have any.

          • John Hancock

            Bully for you. :)

          • vivian

            Actually, I think that’s your racket.

          • Lizzietish81

            Lies! I have several characters.

          • Kat Anyperson

            BMI isn’t an excellent first indicator of overall health. There are perfectly healthy fat people out there. There are skinny people who are extremely unhealthy. Some people like me with certain medical conditions are even encouraged to keep an extra 15-30 pounds on in case we encounter a long period of illness flareup.

            Not all fat is the same, either.

            When you don’t know the person or why they are heavy, you are making assumptions about them and using your personal prejudices to fill in the blanks.

          • Blank Ron

            If I may, Kat… you look to have far more knowledge about the subject than I have to hand so I’d like to ask: has not BMI mostly been abandoned as any sort of indicator of general healthiness? It’s my understanding that, like the Meyers-Briggs Personality Test, it drastically oversimplifies something irreducibly complex to the point of uselessness.

          • Kat Anyperson

            Pretty much. BMI fails to consider brown fat vs white, fails to consider bone density, bone frame size, muscle mass and relies on some questionable data about ideal weight for females. (If we want to get really specific, it also neglects to consider tissue mass in boobs. Biguns can easily weigh over 20 lbs each.) Relying on BMI as a sole indicator of healthiness is not only foolish, its fraking DANGEROUS.

            Without writing a book about it, I’m a big girl. Not fat, BIG. Tall, large frame, lots of physically demanding sports growing up. Two consecutive bad docs told me I was fat as a teen because my clearly not average body put me 40 pounds over the average “healthy” weight for my height. I had a six pack and was labeled obese. No, I’m not kidding.

            What little girl wants to be told she’s fat? I followed the same bullshit advice the idiot troll was peddling- expend more than you take in. The resulting short-lived anorexia (my nurse mother put a stop to that fast) was enough of a strain on my body that it triggered the onset of my heart condition. Several failed ablations later, my WPW is severe enough I could qualify for SSDI. It ended any hope I had of archaeological field work and all organized sports.

            The bullshit that troll was peddling can quite literally destroy lives.

          • Blank Ron

            I haven’t been able to answer this because I have no idea what to say, but you have my sympathy, for what that’s worth. I’ve heard stories like yours far too often in the last half century – and right now some of the kids in my youth group are struggling with it as well. And all for arbitrary (and whimsical) ‘standards’ that mean less than nothing. *sighs*
            But thanks to you I have a little more ammunition to use against the arbiters of what is ‘acceptable.’

          • Kat Anyperson

            It’s ok <3 I offer my story specifically AS ammunition and as a lesson to always question medical advice if something seems fishy. I am healthy today because I educated myself about nutrition, learned to listen to my body…. and learned to say "go fuck yourself". Life is too short and tumultuous to dedicate time and energy to the haters who would judge you for your size, skin color, attractiveness, etc.

            I'm glad those kids in your youth group have someone so level-headed around them, Ron.

          • Blank Ron

            Kat said:

            Life is too short and tumultuous to dedicate time and energy to the haters who would judge you for your size, skin color, attractiveness, etc.

            Hear, hear! It’d be nice if that lesson weren’t sometimes so hard to learn, though.

            I’m glad they have someone level-headed around too. Sure wish it were me.

          • JustPixelz

            Unlike cocaine and blow jobs, people have to eat so it’s impossible to simply stop. Also, you know I was kidding about not needing cocaine and blow jobs, right?

          • Blank Ron

            Hey, I don’t need cocaine!

          • BackDoorMan

            “Some, they may go for cocaine.
            I’m sure that if I took even one sniff
            It would bore me terrifically, too.
            Yet I get a kick being blown by you.”

          • Sam Hain

            So what you’re saying is you have absolutely no idea how depression or addiction works, got it…I’m also seeing a sociopathic lack of compassion.

          • John Hancock

            Nobody is water boarding them with food. It’s a choice.

        • janecita

          I’m sorry about your struggles with food, it’s really a lot more common than people realize. And you are totally right, I would criticize him for been a huge hypocrite, making bad deals with Exxon-Mobil while screwing our state. Also for closing down tons of libraries, cutting funds to PP, messing with our education system, misusing Sandy funds and plain ruining our state. Fuck that guy!

        • ArgieBargie

          Understood, and I’m terribly sorry about you losing your mother at such an early age. Like other commenters pointed out, there are plenty of other things we can pin Christie on other than his weight. I have no problem sticking to those.

          Sorry that I can be an asshole sometimes. I’ve been working hard to dial it down over the years.

        • RumAddled

          Jumping in late, but have to say i would rather chat with you(or any other human that is either overweight, a smoker, an alcoholic, etc) at any party than have to endure the insufferable Mr Hancock. How nice it must be to be flawlessly perfect in every way. At least his Mom probably still loves him

        • Keith Rodgers

          Lizzie, I agree completely. I am the sole support of my special-needs daughter (35) and her weight has always been a big (sorry) problem. A sweet girl, but she can’t stay away from food.
          OTOH, if my Gov. would say JUST ONE WORD about childhood health it would be the first time. That’s what I hate about Christie.
          All the words his fellow Repubs say about the shameful healthcare in the US America could fit into a smallish envelope.

        • TheBidenator

          I can definitely attest to the comfort food and weight gain- several years ago I suffered a severe leg injury and the surgeries/inactivity (I was very active both at work and athletically)/recovery/diet saw my weight balloon to 270 pounds. I lost weight by changing my diet but that also involved relying on my higher than average metabolism which up until then always kept me trim. Still, even slimmed down my blood pressure was still pretty high so I quit smoking (still damn proud about that one) take beta blockers and have gotten into the best shape I’ve been in years by walking (I’ll never run again) eating extremely healthy and strength training. Right now I’m 180 pounds and feel great but my experiences with bad health/cheap comfort food and further experiences with anxiety/depression have given me plenty of understanding about being heavy and self conscious…..some people are just dumb pricks no matter what their size is, Chris Christy and this troll prove it.

      • mtn_philosoph

        Photos of a younger Chris Christie, when he was much thinner.

    • Ryan Denniston

      OMG, how did no one see that? HA!

    • Kat Anyperson

      Aye, you never know who has a medical condition that either causes the weight directly or prevents them from healthy exercise. Obesity is also endemic among the poor, as you can feed a family on a fast food dollar menu for cheaper than buying nearly any raw veggie at the store.

      Food can also be addictive. Many overeat or lean on fatty, salty foods for the dopamine release. For people in this category, body shaming is especially dangerous as it causes more stress… which causes them to eat more. Breaking that cycle becomes very hard without the help of dieticians and therapists and if you don’t change by 40, the damage done to your body is pretty much permanent.

      I’m with Lizzie- please don’t fat shame.

    • JustPixelz

      How about self-deprecating fattie jokes? Like “I only eat one meal a day. It starts at 9am.” Or “I’m probably a man though I can’t see my (possible) penis anymore.” Or “When a blimp flew over me, the pilot looked down and said ‘Look! A blimp.'” Or, “I swam with the dolphins. Or as they put it, ‘We swam with a whale.’ “

    • Ilgattomorte

      Lizzie, I really feel for you and I understand how difficult it can be, but seriously, don’t let stupid jokes (I’m sure some were mine) written here get you down. I can only give you my perspective but I’d think it applies to others as well. I wouldn’t make fun of someone for their appearance or deficiencies, but with Christie it’s not a body thing, it’s him. He’s a fat head, with a fat heart, who takes up too much space in every situation he enters. I can’t even imagine a thin Chris Christie. Everything about him screams excess so his appearance is hard to ignore. On top of all of that he’s a dick.

      Now I’m not saying that it should be open season on fat jokes, only that snark towards his weight should not be confused with fat shaming an actual decent person who is struggling with a problem. I don’t need to do fat jokes if you or anyone else is hurt by them, so I won’t, but don’t let this crap get to you. Christie may be an exception to the rule.

    • Antimassacree

      Couldn’t we make him go away with just one more wafer-thin mint?

    • Snopes Shop

      His figure is the most endearing thing about him.

      • Blank Ron

        Too bad it’s attached to his head.

    • nothingisamiss

      Thanks. I was hoping we wouldn’t all have to go there again. *sigh*

    • Blank Ron

      First: yet another example that Republicans are genetically capable of any sort of self-awareness.

      Second: as a Person Of Girth I sympathise with you more than you could know. I’m an endomorph – my body’s designed to be what Victorians genteelly called ‘stout.’ Most of it is in fact muscle (somebody has to lift those engine blocks into the truck) but just about everybody thinks it’s just fat. And it can be hurtful.
      But I tend to take my cues from comedians like Gabriel Iglesias. and the late John Pinette. If I can own it, if I can laugh a bit at myself, it disempowers* others, makes them look like assholes if they try to be nasty at me. Yeah, I’d like to be able to wear tapered shirts and find clothes that fit at Value Village, but it ain’t gonna happen. So I attach suspenders to my jeans, sew Hawaiian shirts for myself, and take comfort knowing my fiancee likes guys who have something to cuddle.

      Take heart, hon, and if it helps I got a big ol’ bear hug for you too if you want one.
      * This word is in my spell checker. The world really might be doomed.

      • Lizzietish81

        Generally I do own it, but yesterday was rough for various reasons.

        But also, I find jokes about Christie being fat to be intellectually lazy and fails to address what a horrible person he really is. It makes us look childish and as bad as the Right and it’s “humor”

        • Blank Ron

          It CAN get a li’l childish around here, can’t it? I know I’m as guilty as anyone of that. (I was gonna make a ‘soft target’ joke here but that would just make it worse.)
          I have rough days myself. Interestingly, I find that hanging out here eases them a little. Exercise is always good for the mood, and punching up is some of the best exercise of all. *grins*

          • Lizzietish81

            Been going to kickboxing. I feel like I’m going to die at the end but I keep going back.

          • Youreacunt

            I can just imagine a 200 lb. tub of guts like you quitting after 5 minutes and eating a snickers because of your “condishuns” and your “sugahs” are low. You poor, delusional fat ignorant slob.

          • Lizzietish81

            260lbs actually.

          • Youreacunt

            God you’re fucking fat and pathetic. Losers like you blame “genetics”, being “big boned”, “heredity” when it’s really that you can’t stop eating.

          • Lizzietish81

            Well genetics made me stocky, but learning from my depressed mother that food was a way to alleviate stress, and I was a stressed out child, contributed a lot.

          • Youreacunt

            You have an excuse for everything. You’re pathetic.

          • Blank Ron

            … nah, I can’t. Too obvious.
            If you would, Shy? When you’re finished adoring your progeny? This one’s seriously tedious.

          • Blank Ron

            Heh, about the same as my fiancee. She’s self-conscious about it too, but she’s matched me step for step on every little excursion we’ve taken together. Tough girl. I think it’s the Irish in her.

          • Blank Ron

            Bravo!

        • Youreacunt

          Did you have to drown your rough day in ice cream, mayonnaise and mac & cheese?

          • Lizzietish81

            Playing WoW actually.

          • Youreacunt

            No irony there, you delusional fat fuck.

          • Blank Ron

            I’m told that that’s wonderfully therapeutic. Me, I dig in the garden. You know, HONEST dirt. *grins*

          • Lizzietish81

            Ugh! living in an apartment! I have a few plants but because my apartment faces north I have limited sunlight.

          • Blank Ron

            Part-sun or full-shade plants will be your friends here. You won’t get the spectacular blooms but they also tend to be lower-maintenance.

          • BackDoorMan

            … I’ve found the coleus plant to be available in a series of
            vibrant colours. While not a flowering plant it does have brilliantly
            coloured leaves. Fast growing in part sun/shade and very low
            maintenance. Annual if you are growing outdoors (on a balcony, say) but they can be grown indoors with a little extra effort. http://homeguides.sfgate.com/long-coleus-live-74110.html

          • BackDoorMan

            … was working on my garden earlier today… and it occurred to me that I was paying for dirt, rocks, manure and dried tree bark (I think that’s what ‘mulch” is, but I have no idea and my search engine is in the shop for repair)… anyway, honest it might be, but it ain’t cheap. Oh yeah… those perennial flowers I like so much? Turns out they are actually classified as weeds, but damn if the commercial nurseries don’t market them well! At least I choose drought-resistant plants because water conservation is something everyone should be concerned with.

          • Blank Ron

            I have access to my housemate’s ratty old 79 Ford truck, a half dozen shovels and an encyclopedic knowledge of local roadways. I haven’t had to pay for garden materials in YEARS… though I suppose I’m burning through an awful lot of gas to get those free rocks.

          • BackDoorMan

            … no transport here, but if I did I would certainly head up to the beaches of Huron Lake to load up on these beauties… talk about a rock garden!

          • Blank Ron

            Sadly, they tend to be at the bottom of some pretty stiff vertical cliffs. Though I haven’t been to St Joseph in a while… hmm…

        • BackDoorMan

          … I agree. Yes, he’s over-weight and probably suffers health-wise because of it, but to focus on his size is to get into Joan Rivers territory of going for the low hanging fruit. If you close your eyes and listen to what he says, and then read the dissection of the litany of lies he spews, there is plenty enough to find unappealing. Cartoonists are given free reign to caricature his ‘larger than life’ persona of course… (to me) it’s a reminder of his massive ego.
          (p.s. sorry you had a rough yesterday – hope tomorrow is better)

  • fawkedifiknow

    Doesn’t New Jersey have a history of blimps crashing?

  • docterry6973

    The more you get to know him the more you love him, the big lug.

  • Oblios_Cap

    The blinking lady is gone, whisked back to the dungeon under the governor’s mansion, presumably.

    I wonder what he uses her for? I can’t imagine it’s for sex. He hasn’t seen Mr. Happy for years.

  • DahBoner

    Well, Chris Christy fills a knish.

    http://media2.giphy.com/media/rSedUeR0YtZoA/200w_d.gif

    • r m reddicks

      So long as you’re not keeping kosher.

  • cousin itt

    This is what should sink the good ship CC: The Legislature has embraced the same job strategy Christie did: throw money at businesses while our infrastructure crumbles. How’s that working out for us? New Jersey’s credit rating has been downgraded eight times, casinos are closing and pharmaceutical companies are leaving the state. Our Transportation Trust Fund is about to hit empty. And if you think we’re having trouble paying the bills now, wait until the full impact of these so-called “job creation” policies comes into effect. http://www.nj.com/opinion/index.ssf/2015/03/with_the_state_in_budget_crisis_christie_touts_tax.html

  • Bob@Bob.com

    Does this mean we will be treated to more photos of him in his softball uniform? Oh, I hope his opponents plaster those photos all over the buses.

  • marxalot

    Snrk. There should be a special debate held just for the candidates under indictment or investigation. Christie will yell, Perry will grimace and stammer, and Walker will gaze with his weird flat space lizard eyes into the middle distance. Later, the moderator will lock all the doors and sneak away.

  • Lefty Frizzell

    I didn’t know Wildstein had a deal? Way back when the story first got ugly wasn’t he telling everyone who’d listen (and everyone who wouldn’t listen) that he had plenty to talk about in exchange for a deal, and that was well before he’d even been charged with anything? Unless he’s completely full of shit (which I suppose is not that unlikely) Christie’s fucked…

  • Hemp Dogbane

    He might have a problem with self-esteem.

  • FauxAntocles

    He’s a small-timer whose ambitions are so far ahead of his qualifications, he’s about to start lapping them.
    This applies to everyone in the klown kar (apologies to iCarly).

    • david green

      Love that statement, and I am so stealing it…

  • schmannity

    I hope Trump and Christie get to stand next to each other during the debates.

    • FlopSweat

      I was hoping for some kind of Hollywood Squares set up. Maybe hosted by Steve Harvey (as portrayed by Kenan Thompson). And Trump gets to be center square.

      • marxalot

        Hosted by Aisha Tyler. Take no prisoners.

      • OneYieldRegular

        Perhaps a Mr. Potatohead-style Republican candidate Photoshop remix is in order – Perry’s brainiac glasses, Trump’s living toupee, Rand Paul’s curls, Christie’s size, Lindsey Graham’s accent, Rubio’s water bottle, etc., etc…

        • Jen_Baker_VA

          you need to kickstart that and make some mad cash

      • schmannity

        I take Chris Christie to block the view.

      • Blank Ron

        He’d accept nothing less.

  • Bob@Bob.com

    Maybe he is running for a cabinet position

    • schmannity

      Secretary of Offense

    • marxalot

      He’s more of a credenza.

      • Biel_ze_Bubba

        More of a large armoire.

        • marxalot

          A buffet?

          • vivian

            Chifferobe?

      • snigsy

        I’d say a commode.

    • FlopSweat

      The next available republican cabinet will likely be ready sometime around 2024 (or never)–and Christ knows what they’ll be running on. Re-illegalizing drugs? Starting some wars in whatever’s left of the middle east? Sharia law (but just for ladies)?

      • Biff52

        Repealing Obamacare. Just keeping it fresh.

    • MrBlobfish

      As a boy, I dreamed of being a cabinet.

    • exinkwretch

      Kitchen cabinet, for sure. Right next to the fridge.

    • willi0000000

      “Is it good, being joinery?”

  • Axomamma

    I just want to thank you for not using the photo of Christie in the baseball uniform. I would have had to skip the story because MY EYES!!!!

  • SheriffRoscoe

    Chris Christie? Running? Oh never mind. Fuck it. I AIN’T GONNA SAY IT.

    • Zippy

      I’m helicoptering for president just doesn’t have the same ring to it…

    • Jen_Baker_VA

      DOoooo eeeet. I tripple dog dare you

  • Joshua Norton

    Christie’s campaign website will be the first thing he’s done that results in little or no traffic.

    • JohnnyZhivago2

      They should have an app that lets you ask a question and then a synthesized voice screams at you to shut the fuck up.

      • elviouslyqueer

        Me: Siri, can you…?

        Siri: HOW DARE YOU CHALLENGE ME. YOU NEED TO SIT DOWN AND SHUT UP RIGHT NOW.

  • Spotts1701

    “Speak softly and carry a big stick.” – Teddy Roosevelt
    “I speak LOUD. And I carry an even BIGGER stick. And I use it too!” – Yosemite Sam Chris Christie

  • LarryHoudini

    YOOOOGE news for Donald Trump! He’s no longer the biggest loser in this thing!
    ***double checks loser calculations***
    Oh, never mind.

    • FlopSweat

      Forgot to carry the Zero, I see.

      • Zippy

        but they’re ALL zeros!

        • marxalot

          And nobody’s gonna be able to carry all of them…

  • AngryBlakGuy

    “My parents worked in a DOUBLE DONG DILDO factory in A GALAXY FAR, FAR AWAY. They could never have dreamed their TRANS RACIAL SON would one day be a two-term LIZARD PERSON from THE PLANET FROTHY SANTORUM .”

    …think that is how it works, right?

    • Gleem-McShinez

      “My parents worked in a CRIME/TURD factory in SATAN’S ASSHOLE. They could never have dreamed their X-LRG CRIMETURD would one day be a two-term PRISONER from SATAN’S ASSHOLE.”

      I might also be a little unclear on the process.

  • I’m surprised this turd didn’t displace all the urine in the G.O.Punchbowl when he dropped in.

    • r m reddicks

      Oh, jeebus my eyes! Can’t anyone think of my eyes?

  • Mehmeisterjr

    To be fair, he is the only candidate with a solution to our failing bridge infrastructure: “Close the mother-fuckers.”

    • r m reddicks

      It is safer that way. But they’re all interested in our ‘safety’. You just can’t stop ’em.

  • Lizzietish81

    So, Gothamist ran this story about his Moral Compass Speech, and in it he tells us that he is both Irish AND Sicilian and I was like, of course, he’s like everyone I grew up with, truly he is a candidate for the Townies.

    http://gothamist.com/2015/06/29/christie_campaign_ad.php

    • JustPixelz

      While on vacation in actual Sicily, I got some pizza which I duly photographed. I showed the picture to my Sicilian-descendant brother-in-law and said “By definition, this is authentic Sicilian pizza.” He definitely did not agree to the point that he made Sicilian pizza for me to compare. In the interest of peace between the families, I agreed his was genuine. But in my heart-of-hearts, I know the pizza in Sicily was authentic. By definition.

    • Anarchy Pony

      Wicked retodded.

  • JohnnyZhivago2

    Better increase the GOP debate snack budget.

  • JohnnyZhivago2

    Honestly, living in NJ, I assure you there is nothing funny to say about this lying sack of shit.

  • Biel_ze_Bubba

    What is is about unpopular GOP governors?

    • elviouslyqueer

      Term-limited, and they’re all worried that they’re not qualified enough to get jobs scrubbing rest-area toilets.

    • marxalot

      The cops are catching up?

    • malsperanza

      deeply unpopular GOP governors who’ve fucked up their home states

      Well this is AOTK, so.

  • SheriffRoscoe

    Chris Christie is a big, bloated, fat, mutherfuckin BULLY. He gets no sympathy from me for the shit he gets on his looks. You can be fat and lovely. He is not. I just can’t find a single fuck to give for him. He screams at everybody…teachers, nurses, you name it. Make it zing. ZING ZING ZING.

  • OrdinaryJoe

    Scouting reports say the guy swings wildly and usually is off line with his pitch. Not major league material.

  • Zippy

    the campaign song Christie should use steal…

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7Zh5oMJo3co&t=0m15s

  • Callyson

    I heard this while driving on the freeway. Even at 60 MPH, my laughter was loud enough to be audible to those within a fifteen-yard radius…

  • arglebargle

    Fuck number one. Fuck number two. That is all.

  • JustPixelz

    That was Christie?!? I didn’t recognize him with his cones.

    • r m reddicks

      Madonna Libelz!

    • Antimassacree

      He shoulda worn his form-fitting baseball uniform. (Oh, the humanity!)

      • mailman27

        Serious nightmare fuel.

  • marxalot

    “My parents worked in a CUNTSPARKLE factory
    in TORMENT. They could never have dreamed their BEACH BALL would one
    day be a two-term PANDA NANNY from THE INTERNET.”

  • VandeGraf

    I have more respect for the gibbons at the zoo which swing and twist and shout because FUN! At the end of the day, they are happy well fed gibbons. But Christie merits no respect at all. Zero. Therefore, in this twisted world Christie is the perfect addition to the GOP slate of nominee candidates. The Klown Karavan is almost full. Bring on the Corn Dogs!

    • weejee

      Bon appetit.

  • Zippy

    Someone is gonna have to add a tow hitch to the clown car

    • Biff52

      It’s now a short bus.

    • weejee

      There might be some axle load violations if they take that rig outside of Jersey.

      • Zippy

        I’d definitely avoid the bridge IYKWIM

    • timpundit

      Adding a WIDE LOAD caution is prudent, also too.

    • r m reddicks

      Though it might be fun to stick them all in a Klown dodge Karavan Kind of mini-van. Considering they ain’t going anywhere anyway.

    • Antimassacree

      Better add some heavy-duty shocks also, too, or they will leave their muffler at the first pothole. That clown car makes enough noise already.

  • MrBlobfish

    Yes. Willing to compromise, like letting Exxon pay $225 million instead of the estimated $8.9 billion the state was seeking for polluting the meadowlands.

    • Reddishrabbit

      Willing to compromise principals for cash! It’s the Garden State way.

      • Blank Ron

        Do out-of-state-ers driving down the Thruway ever find themselves wondering why NJ is called ‘The Garden State’?

        • Reddishrabbit

          Isn’t ironic? I just assumed a hipster was in charge of picking it out.

  • PubOption

    “I’m Chris Christie. I know that I’m going to offend some of you during this campaign, but I assure you that I’m considered polite by New Jersey standards.”

    • Jen_Baker_VA

      There should be a tax levied against states who pump out Christies to pollute the environment

  • Biff52

    This fucker walks free, while Don Siegelman still rots in prison.

    • Zippy

      Forget it, Jake. It’s Jerseytown

  • weejee

    Needz moar donutz…

    • grumblestiltskin

      Oh no! Something went wrong
      He’s much too fat (and a little too long)

  • elviouslyqueer

    “My parents worked in a FLESHLIGHT factory in LOWER UZBECKY-BECKY-STAN. They could
    never have dreamed their SPOILED GEFILTE FISH would one day be a two-term BABOON DIAPER-SNIFFER from URANUS.”

  • memzilla

    Watching Christie announce was like watching Cartman yell “RESPECT MAH AUTHORITAHHH!”

    • Villago Delenda Est

      Cartman is more entertaining.

      • dshwa

        Cartman is supposed to be a parody, not a role model…

    • Biff52

      BEEFCAKE!

  • exinkwretch

    “That’s a nice vote you got there, citizen. It’d be a shame if your legs got broken if it went to the wrong guy. Just sayin’.”

  • Randy Riddle

    What is it about Republican candidates with remarkably irritating voices? Are those vocalizations some kind of conservative mating call?

    • Jen_Baker_VA

      yes

    • Antimassacree

      Inspired by the dulcet tones of Laura Ingraham’s vocal monotone chainsaw, no doubt.

    • r m reddicks

      Seeking to mate with a moose in Wasilla, Alaska?

    • SullivanSt

      Those voices annoy liberals. There’s enough GOP primary voters for whom that is a primary concern that a candidate could win this field off their backs alone.

  • Rotisserie Teal

    “He’s a small-timer whose ambitions are so far ahead of his qualifications, he’s about to start lapping them.”

    How beautifully and succinctly put. Kudos to you Evan. I’ll try to remember to give you credit when I repeat that a zillion times over the next few months.

    • Gleem-McShinez

      (Psst, Gary Legum Libelz!)

      WHOOPS! *puts pedant back into pants*

  • Villago Delenda Est

    I ask myself, is it even possible for Christie to not lie in any sentence he utters?

    And I answer myself, not only no, not only hell no, not only fuck no, but hell fuck no. With extra hells and fucks.

  • JustPixelz

    Christie may be, um, stocky, but ¡Jeb! is weighed down by his brother. ♫ He’s so heavy. He’s my brother. ♫

  • Mehmeisterjr

    “My parents worked in a condom-recapping factory in Upper East Bumfuck-on-the Passaic/Hackensack-Drainage-Basin. They could never have dreamed their spawn of Satan would one day be a two-term penetentiary habitué from the dregs of humanity.”

    • Who needs a house out in Hackensack? Is that what you get for your money?

  • fergawdssakes

    Jindal and Paul begin fighting it out for a place on Christie’s lap while Huckabee prepares roof straps for Pailn so Jeb cranks up the jams as the clown car races on toward the second act.

    • Celtic_Gnome

      Palin? Palin? Of course! The grift well appears to be drying up, so she’s decided to go for the VP slot again. That’s why Bristol got pregnant, and it really was planned. This time, they’ll do it right, because she came so close the last time.

  • chicken thief

    I hope Chris gets high enough in the polls to be allowed in the debates with the “Top Tier” candidates just to watch him and Randy Paul claw and bitch slap each other.

    • Celtic_Gnome

      Fuck it. Let’s pretend this is an actual democracy and let every announced candidate have their rightful place on stage. To make things really interesting, we could provide each candidate with a trash can lid and a hunk of two-by-four with nails sticking out of it.

  • Biff52

    This story seems to have broken Disqus.

    • Jen_Baker_VA

      Everyone’s busy posting the same thing though. It goes like this
      HAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAAHHA

      • A Bashful Nobody

        Yes, we is funny people!!

  • deanbooth

    Monkey masturbating? Is that the chimp using a frog like a fleshlight? Now that’s toolmaking!

    • I’ve seen a dolphin do the same thing with a decapitated fish, and they do THAT without any limbs.

  • Come here a minute

    “the TV in our brother’s living room” — Well aren’t we fancy!

  • Anarchy Pony

    Say, you know who else wanted more authority for the executive?

    • Lizzietish81

      Darth Vader

    • Antimassacree

      Al Haig?

    • r m reddicks

      John Hancock?

    • A Bashful Nobody

      Vlad The Impaler?

  • Lazy Media

    The more I watch, the more I believe in the inevitable nomination of Jeb W. Bush. It’s not that he doesn’t suck galactically (oh, he does!), it’s that there literally are no other viable candidates.

    • Lizzietish81

      Walker hasn’t jumped in yet, and he’s the Koch favorite.

      Otoh, a lot of this is likely just a distraction from more local and congressional races.

      • tohu777

        But Walker’s got that same yokel-factor going for him that Christie does–though where Christie seems like an alderman, Walker looks more like a regional sales manager…and not a bit more.

        It’s *so* true, what you said about this being a distraction from local races. I don’t think it’s possible to overstate how much of America is held by locally-elected wingnuts.

      • Blank Ron

        It just hit me that you are almost certainly right. ALL the focus is on the top job, allowing even more blatant fuckery at every other level.
        Making GOTV even more of an imperative.

  • Bill Slider

    Governor green eggs and ham paired with Senator ham biscuits, now that would make an interesting ticket.

  • John Hancock

    He’s not electable.

    • r m reddicks

      You shit. You’re still here?

      • John Hancock

        You’re classy. It must get cold in your trailer in the winter. :)

        • r m reddicks

          Yep.

          • Kat Anyperson

            Omg he’s upvoting himself now…. LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOL

          • r m reddicks

            Never trust a bot to not expose itself.

          • vivian

            What I find interesting is that he doesn’t self-upvote every time, and neither does he select comments that are in any way noteworthy or interesting when he does. Must be a programming glitch.

          • Kat Anyperson

            He continued after it was pointed out, so either it’s a programming glitch or intentional troll bait that he can use to play victim with later when it’s repeatedly pointed out. It is likely this entire dog and pony show was to distract from discussion of the fact that Chris Christie is a lying, hateful piece of shit.

            Bullies usually rush to the defense of their own.

        • jmk

          Is that what experience has taught you, cupcake?

          • John Hancock

            No, it’s what seeing people “like you” has proven to me. Especially in your histrionics, irrationality and inability to form an intelligent sentence. You’re a real “winner”.

      • Kat Anyperson

        Skidmarks are tough to remove without zout or the banhammer of loving correction.

        Oo~h moderators! I think the general public has expended the entertainment factor of unraveling this cheap ball of yarn XD

  • r m reddicks
  • Walter Wellstone

    I’d like to see Christie and Trump going at each other on TV…

    Trump: “Listen to me, you fat mothefucker…”
    Christie: “Shut the fuck up you fucking orangutan. I haven’t made my point yet!”
    Trump: “You shut the fuck up. Nobody talks when I’m talking, OK? Nobody!”
    Christie: “Fuck you!”
    Trump: “Fuck me? Fuck you!”
    Christie: “Fuck you, you miserable piece of shit!”
    Trump: “Oh yeah? Well, at least I’m a billionaire–and I’m glad Atlantic City turned into a shithole.”
    Christie: “That only goes to show you’re a lousy businessman. Who the fuck loses money running a casino, you fucking moron?”
    Trump: “Fuck you!”
    Christie: “Fuck you!”

    Anyone care to continue?

    • Villago Delenda Est

      Trump: “Fuck you!”
      Christie: “Fuck you!”
      Trump: “Fuck you!”
      Christie: “Fuck you!”
      Trump: “Fuck you!”
      Christie: “Fuck you!”

      • Lizzietish81

        And then…they make out.

        • r m reddicks

          Why do you want to hurt my eyes, Lizzietish81!!!!!!! Oh, well. I guess anyone having sexy stuff with either one of them must be good for the economy.

        • sudden_eyes

          Oh god, you’re right.

        • Let’s hope for The Donald´s sake that he’s a top.

        • spacecat in space

          OTP!

    • TheBidenator

      “As far back as I could remember, I always wanted to be a gangster….”

    • TheBidenator

      “As far back as I could remember, I always wanted to be a gangster….”

    • SadDemInTex

      This is priceless, priceless!

    • sudden_eyes

      I am too busy being in comment-reading heaven to continue! Could not read this aloud to sudden_husband without laughing like a hyena.

    • TheBidenator

      Moderator:”Hey break it up you two!”
      Christie “Why don’t you get back on stairforce one and Neal Young yourself out of this fucking campaign, you mothafucka”
      Moderator: “Ooooh”
      Trump: “You listen to me you fat fuck, I’m rich…worth 8, 10, 20 billion dollas, I sold an apartment to a fuckin’ dirty Chinese guy!”
      Christie: “Who was that, sum dum bastad? Ooo!”
      Trump: “Fuck you, you bridge closin’ fat fuck why don’t you throw a couple more friends under the bus to save your sorry ass”
      Christie: “Why don’t you skin a couple more squirrels for your head you ugly, beady eyed orange skinned lookin’ fuck now sit down and shut up”
      Trump: “Go fuck yourself”
      Christie: “Go fuck YOUR SELF”

    • TheBidenator

      The first line keeps killing me, it’s so casual like I’m imagining exactly when it would happen…after Christy attacks Trump, during the introductions or during Christy’s first question that he’s trying to answer….either way, I’m LMAOing

  • A Bashful Nobody

    I’ve said this before but it bears repeating: Fat man speak with forked tongue.

  • SullivanSt

    Thank you, Chris Christie, for putting more Tanya Donelly in mah Belly!

  • AnOuthouse

    “yell at our allies until they do what we want them to do” . That works so well for Putin. If he’s elected they’ll pass a law that states he has to wear a shirt at all times right?

    • Doug Langley

      Please. With alacrity.

  • tohu777

    “I DID NOT know David in high school!”

    What’s up BTW with wife Mary Pat Chris Martha Joanna Susanna’s rictus?

    • Mintie

      A full-body Botox injection is the only way she can keep from breaking character.

  • Keith Rodgers

    “What the hell is this big room”?

    – Cristie, on being led into the gym

  • malsperanza

    “He’s bragging about his record getting New Jersey budgets under control”

    I am SO looking forward to the ongoing revelations about misappropriation of funds from:

    a) The NY-NJ Port Authority ($1.8 billion so far and the SEC/NY investigation has been ongoing since 2014, so expect announcements in, oh, about 6 or 8 months) (more info here http://www.mainjustice.com/2014/04/25/sec-joins-manhattan-da-to-probe-christies-diversion-of-port-authority-funds/)

    b) Hurricane Sandy federal disaster relief funds, including but not limited to FEMA and reconstruction money (more info here, and many updates thereafter: http://www.nj.com/news/index.ssf/2014/02/sandy_housing_aid_went_to_projects_far_from_the_storm.html#incart_river)

    c) Stuff we haven’t heard about yet.

    Yep, and he did it all without raising taxes!!!

    • Mehmeisterjr

      Siddownanshaddup!

  • Bren

    I’m reminded of the great George Carlin’s words on Dan Quayle when I think of Crispie’

    “George Carlin: All three! Stupid, full of shit, and fucking nuts! And where did he get that wife of his? Have you taken a good look at that Marilyn Quayle? Where did he get her, at a Halloween party or something? She looks like Prince Charles, for Christ’s sake! I wouldn’t fuck her with a stolen dick”

    • frambley1

      One of my favorite Standup Philosophers. Would love to hear his take on what has happened since we lost him. Good thing we still have Bill Hicks around doing his decades long performance piece dressed up as Alex Jones.

  • Mehmeisterjr

    I’ve got the campaign slogan:

    Vote Christie 2016 – You May Not Like It

  • Mehmeisterjr

    Rachel Maddow did an awesome takedown of the not-Prom Queen.

  • Mehmeisterjr

    Rachel Maddow did an awesome takedown of the not-Prom Queen.

  • Celtic_Gnome

    Oh man. We’re going to get that visual of him in the baseball uniform over and over until he drops out, right?

  • The Sandman

    LOL President Chris ‘Big Pussy” Christie. Its would be like electing one of those fat henchmen from the Sopranos president

  • JayGoldenBeach

    All aboard the 2016 Republican circus train!

  • Bren

    Did you ever see anybody looking completely press ganged, and wondering if he’ll ever live this day down, as the Crispie’s kid does here?

  • Mintie

    Mad Libs? I haven’t seen those in forever! Let’s whip out the inner six year-old and see what we got:

    My parents worked in a __hoo-hoo__ factory in __Newark__. They could never have dreamed their __mutant pig offspring__ would one day be a two-term __douchebag__ from __the most disgruntled state in the Mid Atlantic__.

    Did I get it right?

Previous articleChin Up, New York Poors, You No Longer Have To Use Separate-But-Equal Doors
Next articleRick Santorum: Know What Really Makes Sea Levels Rise? Gay Marriage.