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Greetings to all you salacious sodomite sinners! Once again we are proud to present your weekly compilation of the latest and greatest in news of the supernatural, the supernormal, and the superdumb. It’s the Snake Oil Bulletin!

No doubt you deviants are plum tuckered out from all the rampant gay butthumping and church burnin’ you’ve been doing since the Legion of Doom changed our nation’s name to New West Sodom, but it’s time to hike up your girdles, slide into some fresh fishnets, and prepare yourselves to enter the realm of the mystical, macabre, and gross. Girl, you got this. Let’s dive right in.

Ex-Gay Quacks Get their Freshly Lubed Asses Handed to Them

In the wake of the landmark Supreme Court ruling that finally gave so many gay people across this country the dignity of civil marriage, it’s nice to know that even long-forgotten regressives are still out there still kicking the old fuck-you-faggots ball. This week the ex-gays are back in the news, and boy are they feeling butthurt.

JONAH — which officially stands for Jews Offering New Alternatives for Healing but which we’re pretty sure actually stands for Jumped-up Oily Nutsacks Angling for Hatefucks — lost a major civil case in New Jersey this week in the wake of the state’s new “Jesus Christ stop treating gays like goddamn lepers already” law. JONAH was rather infamous on the ex-gay circuit for not only practicing all the ex-gay nonsense that their gentile brethren love to shove down innocent kids’ throats, but for having the added fun-time happy bonuses of being run by a convicted Wall Street con artist and for a sexual assault and molestation racket they were running on the side. Whee!

If that weren’t enough, just this week a New Jersey jury unanimously found that JONAH had committed fraud by promising its clients that they could change them from gay to straight:

In 2012, six plaintiffs – four former JONAH clients and two of their parents – filed a lawsuit against JONAH, alleging that the group misrepresented homosexuality as a changeable mental disorder, advertised a strong gay-to-straight success rate, and assured the young men that after two to four years in the therapy, they’d be heterosexual.

Isn’t that convenient? You can rewire your entire sexual identity in the same time it would take to get your associate’s degree at University of Phoenix! We despise them for their practice, but how can you say no to a deal like that?

The testimonies from the JONAH survivors (is there any other word for the kids who were forced to senselessly beat a pillow they had been told represented their own mothers?) are pretty raw, and you can get a glimpse of a few of them here and here. Not only did one of JONAH’s counselors “life coaches,” Alan Downing (shocker: he isn’t licensed to counsel), tell a teenager to get naked and “grasp his masculinity,” if you get what we mean, in front of a mirror while Downing watched, but two years after the kid left JONAH, Downing later stole shirtless pictures of the teen off his Facebook account to keep in his client folder, no doubt for the kind of “research” that involves a tube of Gold Bond and a belt. Buuhhhh.

JONAH has been ordered to pay over $72,000 in restitution as well as the plaintiffs’ millions of dollars in legal fees (did we mention this lawsuit has been going on for THREE YEARS?). Thankfully these JONAH fucks got their tuchuses handed to them, so at least they’ll think twice before plying their snake oil again. Or at least they’ll think about it right up until the next scandal no doubt whizzing down the pipe.

The best news is that now all these pervy JONAH closet cases (who all admit they still have “same-sex attractions”) can go get married to each other and leave the rest of us the hell alone. We’d offer them a hand in getting their big gay weddings together, butt fuck it.

Witches Cast A +5 Indignity Spell At Etsy

In other news of religious persecution, you may have noticed that your crystal ball has been especially murky as of late, and we have the answer! There is a usurper in the magical realm! Etsy has declared itself an ENEMY of the Mother Goddess this week after it banned the sale of spells on its website. Just to reiterate: these crafting monstrosities below are free to see the light of day, but funny words said over a candle go TOO FAR.
twilight monstrosities
regretsy2
f05e3d1fb84608d2f71eade24b9128d3
We didn’t think it was possible for our entire skin to turn into a single giant goosebump.

Apparently this brouhaha over brujas came about when Etsy changed its policies concerning magic a few weeks back. They’d previously declared that spells and incantations could be sold through the site so long as the spell didn’t guarantee results (easy with a simple disclaimer) and offered at least something tangible in the transaction. That “something tangible” was nebulous already, so a lot of people would just send digital of pictures of the wizard in question doing the spell. For years this allowed perfectly innocent charlatans to send magical incantations to well-meaning reporters and teenagers with a burning desire for Alejandro in third period to notice them (take our word for it, ladies: no magic can tame Alejandro).

However, some time in June, Etsy changed their policy guidelines and kinda neglected to tell anybody about it, specifically adding this line about spells: “any metaphysical service that promises or suggests it will effect a physical change (e.g., weight loss) or other outcome (e.g., love, revenge) is not allowed, even if it delivers a tangible item.”

The problem is that rather than tell anybody of the change, Etsy decided the best way to handle the new policy was to just shut down stores who were in violation without giving any kind of heads-up. They didn’t even send an eviction notice decoupaged onto a doily of human hair or nothin’! So un-vintage.

The Witches have taken to the forums to rally their forces, as all good social justice movements do, and are alleging religious discrimination on the part of Etsy, which apparently took the action so it would look good to investors now that the company has gone public. Don’t look into all the Chinese re-sellers hawking knock-off Disney merch; chase after those witches. I guess no one told our pointy-hatted heroines that RELIGIOUS FREEDOM IS DEAD according to Christians so they’re just gonna have to live with the consequences of Obama’s War on God(desses).

While we wish the witches well in their war on woo-hate, the real takeaway from this story is that it reminded your correspondent how much he misses Regretsy. NEVER FORGETSY.

Flotsam, Jetsam, and Hokum

[Identities.Mic / Forward.com / Truth Wins Out / Daily Dot]

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  • doktorzoom

    Sorry about the comments being disabled for so long! Fixed! The ways of WordPress are mysterious and strange.

  • ShriekinViolet

    Um, that peanut butter and jelly “beard”…are hipsters getting even worse or did I just suddenly get old and uncool?

    (To be fair, I think that’s what everyone says about five minutes before they start yelling to people to get off their lawn – ugh, the end is nigh)

    • No, they’ll always be approaching worse. It’s like an infinite sequence.

    • Somebody got high and watched The 5,000 Fingers of Dr. T., I suspect.

      • Msgr_Moment

        T as in Topp?

        • H0mer0

          unskinny bop

          • NationalGalleryofClipArt

            C.C. de Ville is history’s most underrated guitarist.

    • H0mer0

      BOT,K

  • Steverino247

    Cures for homosexuality are about as effective as cures for being tall.

    • Blank Ron

      *hefts his axe meaningfully*

      • Barbarian. Scalpels and saws work better. Helps if you cauterize afterwards though.

        • Blank Ron

          Cau… ter… ize… got it…

          • H0mer0

            Procrustes had an idea

          • Blank Ron

            Didn’t he create the Motel 6 chain?

          • Msgr_Moment

            Procrustes the Clown?

      • Steverino247

        Charles I being a notable exception, of course.

        • Villago Delenda Est

          Louis XVI, Marie Antoinette, Robespierre…

    • Heaven knows I’ve grasped my masculinity in front of a mirror many times – and other men’s masculinity, too, just to get the maximum medicinal and therapeutic effect – but it hasn’t really made me straight.

      • Steverino247

        I think I’ll refer you to this clown from Breitbart who’s been chasing my tail since Friday. Soooo worked up about what the gays do sexually. His name is OldBut YoungMoney, however, I think it should be Old Money Looking for Young Butt. Anybody still chasing a comment I made on Friday has got to be interested in something other than conversation.

      • jmk

        It’s the eternal question – Why Do All These Homosexuals Keep Sucking My Cock?
        http://www.theonion.com/blogpost/why-do-all-these-homosexuals-keep-sucking-my-cock-10861

  • memzilla

    Speaking of Snake Oil, guess which former centerfold model and now-and-forever losing loser is now selling weight loss crapola (hint: his name rhymes with Snot Clown)?
    .

    • Left Coast Tom

      Brown/Huckabee ’16!!

      • memzilla

        One had a magazine staple through his belly, the other could use a surgical stapling of his belly.

      • nmmagyar

        Brown-Santorum 2016!

    • cousin itt

      What can Brown stain for you?

      • mtn_philosoph

        Brown/Bachmann 2016! Why should KS have all the fun?

    • H0mer0

      he’s still HAWT! Is he holding a fanny pack in his left hand in the photo on the left?

  • whatwhomever

    Technically, I think it’s Bristol’s uter that’s knocked up, not her cooter.

    • Land Shark

      The cooter is the gateway … and wine coolers are the gateway drug.

  • diogenez

    Will Bristol’s baby have it’s father’s eyes?

    • Steverino247

      Take those out of his mouth, Gomez!

    • Steverino247

      Stop feeling sorry for hypocritical scolds that make $242,000 in a year, you MANIACS!!!

    • whatwhomever

      Nope. Something far more frightening – it’s grandma’s brain!

      • Zippy

        citation needed

    • Portia Elm

      It’s “its”, pardone me, por favor

    • mtn_philosoph

      Pray … Pray for Bristmary’s Baby.

  • PubOption

    Do I hear JONAH wailing?

    • cousin itt

      Sounds fishy. In a mammal way.

  • AngryBlakGuy

    …if JONAH was selling their cure for homosexuality on Etsy then they would have been fine

  • Dee Andee

    God I loved Regretsy.

    • Mehmeisterjr

      Until today, I had never heard of Regretsy or even of Etsy, itself. Shows you how much of a clueless Old I am.

      I haven’t managed to access the Regretsy archive, assuming it still exists. I am happy to report, however, that April Winchell’s collection of howlingly awful mp3 files is still available. even to the terminally un-cool:

      http://www.aprilwinchell.com/audio/

      This really wretched stuff, like watching freight trains collide head-on only with music.

      Please, somebody tell me that the Mr. Blackwell TV special still exists complete on video.

  • BeliTsari
    • >Sigh< I suggested to a friend the other day that we aught to drive right on up to Charleston and do this.

      • Blank Ron

        Now you know, impulses must ALWAYS be acted upon IMMEDIATELY.

      • BeliTsari

        I’m just glad, none of them cracker assholes managed to sober-up, dry their eyes and fetch-out ol’ Bessie, before she got back down with that pathetic, traitorous hate rag!

        • Vecciojohn

          I think we’ve found the perfect thing to replace all those old rebel flags.

          • BeliTsari

            Yeah, and it took Gilbert Baker THIS long to get MOMA to acknowledge it, too! Even for ‘straight’ southerners, I agree his Rainbow Flag would be inspire kids especially, to REALIZE each and every silly-ass fucking lie, they’ve all had gavaged down their throats, are diametrically opposed to American, Christian or (and I just LOVE this), the exact opposite of European or “White” virtues, since Shiller, Voltaire & Pascal!

    • mtn_philosoph

      Darn, missed my shot at this because I spent too much time looking for a body saw to use to take down the whole flagpole.

      • BeliTsari

        A RPG or grenade launcher would do, I guess? But, now Ms Newsome’s thrown us ALL down a gauntlet & I think White Southern folks especially need to take up her challenge?

  • deanbooth

    Both my dog and cat are distracted: SQUIRRELFISH!

    • jviscont1

      Sorry pets, Trump outbid you and will look classy wearing it.

  • Ilgattomorte

    La Volpe, I’ve come to look forward to your column every week and normally I’m in full agreement, but this time I must take small issue with your content. While no one could question the scam nature of the JONAH program I’ve heard that there are some religious programs that have successfully performed gay-to straight conversion.

    In particular the “Scared Straight” program over at “Our Lady of Imaculate Misconception” has had wonderful results. They employ the WALLY principle, which has been proven to be far more effective than locking a man in a room with 50 other naked men and having him perform until he gets sick of it (apparently that technique only works with cigarettes).

    Their program is very simple. The Gay subject is put in to a full time living arrangement with Wally. Wally is a middle aged balding Gay man with a prominent beer belly who lives a very sedentary lifestyle. Wally comes equipped with a clinging over-protective Jewish mother, a married sister who has found Jesus and a truly impressive set of hemorrhoids. Wally’s main interests are reality television and take-out. As a bonus, Wally is clingy, jealous and, for every good reason, extremely insecure.

    The results have been spectacular! While the program is designed to run for 6 months, most men leave the program after a few weeks exclaiming, “I swear I’ll never be with another man”, “Yes! Yes! Even a woman is better than this” or “Please, please God, make it stop”, and all of this success comes with very few attempted suicides.

    You have to hand it to the Catholics, they really know how to do guilt immersion.

  • Riddle Me This: How do you know if your JONAH counselor life coach is a gay?

    • His dick tastes like Santorum.

    • vivian

      AOT,K

    • Villago Delenda Est

      He looks like Dennis Hastert…or actually IS Dennis Hastert

      • Mehmeisterjr

        He is Dennis Hastert.

    • ButchWagstaff

      They’re a JONAH life coach?

  • cousin itt

    Etsy discovers the F7 key.

  • VandeGraf

    There’s gonna be hell to play when all the Christianist suck-up elected officials decide to come out firing! I think the brouhaha celebrations are a bit of ejaculatory prematurity.

    • Zippy

      count on it. there’s far too much money to be made whipping the rubes into a frenzy of victimhood

  • Mehmeisterjr

    “Jumped-up Oily Nutsacks Angling for Hatefucks” Now I have to found another garage band?

  • Joshua Norton

    Did we mention gay marriage got legalized? Because HOLY FUCKING FUCK GAY MARRIAGE GOT LEGALIZED!

    Too soon?

    • Doug Langley

      Now there’s a real rainbow coalition.

    • Villago Delenda Est

      MAN WALKS ON FUCKING MOON!

    • Enfant Terrible

      Just in time!

    • cleos_mom

      Some members of the Butthurt Community have objected to such a decision by nine “black-robed judges”. I hereby offer an alternative they might be able to endorse (careful, these are Canadians):

      • Joshua Norton

        So the Canadian version of the Supremes get to dress like Santa? How cool is that!!!!!

  • JohnR

    Marcus Bachman files for divorce, the worm has turned indeed. http://bit.ly/1RHt3Ag

    • H0mer0

      that’s gotta be a parody

      • Villago Delenda Est

        I’m fairly certain it is.

      • Mehmeisterjr

        Yeah, slightly “off” web addy and other stories include Scott Brown Challenges SCOUTS to a Fist Fight give away the game.

      • JohnR

        Yes it is.

  • H0mer0

    (to the tune of Frere Jacques): Oily nutsack, oily nutsack, it’s dark blue, it’s dark blue….(I’m working on it….) the next verse of the stanza ended with “itches too.”

    • Oily nutsack, oily nutsack, it’s dark blue, it’s dark blue

      Suckers born per minute, suckers born per minute

      Greasy dew…greasy dew

      • Anarchy Pony

        Ew, ew, ew…

      • zerosumgame0005

        ^^^^^^
        why we can’t have nice things…

    • Blank Ron

      Ah, a pastiche of that comedy classic, ‘Harry’s Jockstrap.’

      • H0mer0

        ‘cept in the SF Bay Area version back in the ’80s, it was pale blue. I moved out here (Northern Virginia) in ’88 so I never learned the fate of Harry’s jockstrap. I borrowed Fred’s jockstrap when I was in med school as part of my clockwork orange costume (used a banana.)

        • Blank Ron

          A banana? That took some yarbles, O my brother!

          • Joseph

            Actually, it was plantain.

  • Jen_Baker_VA

    So’k, so why is about 4 bucks worth of yarn and maybe an hours worth of knitting =98 bucks? *Is not taking notes, swear*

    • Anarchy Pony

      You’re paying for “authenticity”. You need to understand your market, and that’s what hipsters are all about.

  • HogeyeGrex

    LOL of the day, CNN reports from London Pride that this was an ISIS flag.
    http://media.boingboing.net/wp-content/uploads/2015/06/dildosis.png
    http://www.mediaite.com/tv/cnn-reporter-spots-isis-flag-at-london-gay-pride-parade/
    There is at least one Conservative in the comments who doesn’t get it even after reading the article. Sigh.

    • Enfant Terrible

      CNN gets pwned. The universe answers, “So what else is new?”

    • BoatOfVelociraptors

      This story is totally dildoes.

    • Callyson

      CNN can take its story and shove it up its ass.

      • Mehmeisterjr

        The story was fundamentally flawed because they didn’t get to the bottom of it. The wound up just broadcasting a plug for ISIL.

      • zerosumgame0005

        now that is an on-point but slippery observation!

    • Wait…CNN to the time to stop reporting on missing Malaysian airliners…or was that MSNBC? I can’t tell them apart much these days.

    • Msgr_Moment

      With liberty and buttplugs for all, amen.

    • ez

      Someone gave that reporter a bum steer…

  • actor212

    Pardon my noob question, but do we use the Snake Oil to oil up the hot naked gay bodies?

    And will there be wrestling involved?

    • IndianaKevin

      Yes and yes, even for those bodies who weren’t gay before the Supreme Court ruled we all have to be.

    • Enfant Terrible

      AOT,K.

  • PigDootsMolloy

    Pink Pills for Pale People-Benny Bell
    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SUE2ph0NkSw

  • r m reddicks

    Can you still get yerself a bible or prayer bookish thing on the etsy?

  • Msgr_Moment

    OTOH, prey-the-ghey-away groups are the last people you’d expect to be affirmative-action hiring the gheys as counselors, so kudos for that.

  • BadKitty904

    Is tat our big, ol’ stud-muffin *FARE* that I spy with my little eye?!?1?

  • NationalGalleryofClipArt

    Bristol got pregnant, again, because she can’t let a woman twice her age like Wonkette’s owner have as fecund a uterus.

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