Now that Bristol Palin has announced her second or third pregnancy — whatever — all without the benefit of God and Jesus claiming holy Prima Nocta up in her wedding-night bed, she is SUPER-BUMMED about it, and that is whatever the opposite of “sad” is, because girl can go fuck herself, right in the ear. But now there is a newsflash, and that is that Bristol Palin is lying, because her mouth is moving. Fuck you all, said Bristol Palin (direct quote, actually!), I planned this baby I was so sad about having just a few days ago, bet you feel pretty stupid now huh homos and assorted other libtard jerks!
No, actually. No we don’t.
Do we feel some twinges and heart pangs about picking on this poor pretty princess in her time of sorrow? Are we being slut-shamey and viperish? Let us look in our empty, frozen chest cavities and examine our consciences, because (like having legitimate babies) that is a thing that we do that Bristol Palin does not! Hhhmmmm, we have searched our conscience and also made a fearless moral inventory (keep coming back!), and the answer is no.
Bristol Palin is a grown-ass woman; she’s 24 years old. She is also A Asshole, many times over, and karma, oooooh, she a nasty bitch!
Let us enumerate the ways in which Bristol Palin is awful:
- She is constantly telling gay people and Lena Dunham and Barack Obama and Wendy Davis they should be more better, like her, even though she actually sucks.
- She stood up for Josh Duggar, because she sucks.
- She drunkenly cold-cocks people at parties and then cries victim, did we mention that she sucks?
- Oh, she actually cries victim A LOT.
- Like when she tells her sister Willow to get out of her house, and then Willow gets out of her house, and then she (Bristol) complains that Willow did not roast the chicken for her, after she told Willow to get out of her house.
- (Yes, we watched “Life’s A Tripp” at least twice, for you, the Wonker. Kickstarter for so much booze to forget it all!)
- Also, she super-duper guilt tripped Willow into being an unpaid babysitting slave, because Willow, for some reason, did not have any school she needed to be attending at the age of 17.
- And what kind of self-respecting teen mom watches her own baby?
- THEY ARE A VERY GOOD FAMILY!
- But at least Sarah Palin actually told her she shouldn’t quit her job via text. (And that is the last time we will ever agree with Sarah Palin.) You are supposed to quit your job via press conference! Or maybe Facebook post.
Now let’s get all forensic and shit up in Bristol Palin’s latest other-penned blog. Would you believe … it perhaps contains untruths? Lol just kidding, that thing’s packed with lies like she wrote it herself!
So here are the things you should all get straight before you continue to mock me, judge me, and talk about me.
None of us are perfect.
I made a mistake, but it’s not the mistake all these giddy a$$holes have loved to assume.
This pregnancy was actually planned.
HUH THAT IS WEIRD. Because it seems like just four days ago (because it was four days ago) you were mopin’ around and promising you’d try really hard not to pull a Sylvia Plath.
Honestly, I’ve been trying my hardest to keep my chin up on this one.
At the end of the day there’s nothing I can’t do with God by my side, and I know I am fully capable of handling anything that is put in front of me with dignity and grace.
Life moves on no matter what. So no matter how you feel, you get up, get dressed, show up, and never give up.
When life gets tough, there is no other option but to get tougher.
Girl, you ain’t even as tough as a Brawny paper towel. Now let’s look at Lie Two.
But I do not regret this baby. This baby is not a disappointment, and I cannot wait to be a mom times two. Tripp is going to make the best big brother!!
Everybody, set your time machine for the way way way back of June 27, 2015.
I know this has been, and will be, a huge disappointment to my family, to my close friends, and to many of you.
But please respect Tripp’s and my privacy during this time. I do not want any lectures and I do not want any sympathy.
My little family always has, and always will come first.
Now wait a minute, we can’t go back and examine the first post for lies, we are examining the new post for lies! Don’t wanna get BRISTOLPALINCEPTIONED!
Because there’ve been 12 whole sentences in Bristol Palin’s ANGERPOST, it is time for Lie Three:
Let’s get another thing straight, because I can’t tolerate all the talk on this subject. I have never been paid as an “abstinence spokesperson.” I was employed by the great people at The Candies Foundation.
Shut your fucking facehole, Bristol Palin, IT IS A SIN TO BEAR FALSE WITNESS.
You weren’t an “abstinence spokesperson,” you just were employed by the Candies Foundation — and were paid a minimum of $262,000, OR SEVEN TIMES WHAT THEY ACTUALLY GAVE OUT IN TOTAL IN GRANTS — as a spokesperson who said the only way to not be a teen mom was to be abstinent.
In fact, here is the video you posted IN YOUR POST as proof you weren’t spokespersoning for abstinence.
BRISTOL PALIN WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU.
I know you remember me most from when Mom ran for Vice President. However, I’m not 17 anymore, I am 24. I’ve been employed at the same doctor’s office for over six years now; I own a home; I have a well-rounded, beautiful son.
Didn’t know you could work for a doctor’s office from Arizona (or Kentucky), but guess you learn something new every day. Anyway, we are done parsing Bristol for LIES because there are only 24 hours in a day, and we will spend some of them paying attention to our husband and baby.