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and an angel appeared to her and she was all like GIMME A WINE COOLER BITCHEZ

Now that Bristol Palin has announced her second or third pregnancy — whatever — all without the benefit of God and Jesus claiming holy Prima Nocta up in her wedding-night bed, she is SUPER-BUMMED about it, and that is whatever the opposite of “sad” is, because girl can go fuck herself, right in the ear. But now there is a newsflash, and that is that Bristol Palin is lying, because her mouth is moving. Fuck you all, said Bristol Palin (direct quote, actually!), I planned this baby I was so sad about having just a few days ago, bet you feel pretty stupid now huh homos and assorted other libtard jerks!

No, actually. No we don’t.

Do we feel some twinges and heart pangs about picking on this poor pretty princess in her time of sorrow? Are we being slut-shamey and viperish? Let us look in our empty, frozen chest cavities and examine our consciences, because (like having legitimate babies) that is a thing that we do that Bristol Palin does not! Hhhmmmm, we have searched our conscience and also made a fearless moral inventory (keep coming back!), and the answer is no.

Bristol Palin is a grown-ass woman; she’s 24 years old. She is also A Asshole, many times over, and karma, oooooh, she a nasty bitch!

Let us enumerate the ways in which Bristol Palin is awful:

Oh, MEMORIES.

Now let’s get all forensic and shit up in Bristol Palin’s latest other-penned blog. Would you believe … it perhaps contains untruths? Lol just kidding, that thing’s packed with lies like she wrote it herself!

So here are the things you should all get straight before you continue to mock me, judge me, and talk about me.

None of us are perfect.

I made a mistake, but it’s not the mistake all these giddy a$$holes have loved to assume.

This pregnancy was actually planned.

HUH THAT IS WEIRD. Because it seems like just four days ago (because it was four days ago) you were mopin’ around and promising you’d try really hard not to pull a Sylvia Plath.

Honestly, I’ve been trying my hardest to keep my chin up on this one.

At the end of the day there’s nothing I can’t do with God by my side, and I know I am fully capable of handling anything that is put in front of me with dignity and grace.

Life moves on no matter what. So no matter how you feel, you get up, get dressed, show up, and never give up.
When life gets tough, there is no other option but to get tougher.

Girl, you ain’t even as tough as a Brawny paper towel. Now let’s look at Lie Two.

But I do not regret this baby. This baby is not a disappointment, and I cannot wait to be a mom times two. Tripp is going to make the best big brother!!

Everybody, set your time machine for the way way way back of June 27, 2015.

I know this has been, and will be, a huge disappointment to my family, to my close friends, and to many of you.

But please respect Tripp’s and my privacy during this time. I do not want any lectures and I do not want any sympathy.

My little family always has, and always will come first.

Now wait a minute, we can’t go back and examine the first post for lies, we are examining the new post for lies! Don’t wanna get BRISTOLPALINCEPTIONED!

Because there’ve been 12 whole sentences in Bristol Palin’s ANGERPOST, it is time for Lie Three:

Let’s get another thing straight, because I can’t tolerate all the talk on this subject. I have never been paid as an “abstinence spokesperson.” I was employed by the great people at The Candies Foundation.

Shut your fucking facehole, Bristol Palin, IT IS A SIN TO BEAR FALSE WITNESS.

You weren’t an “abstinence spokesperson,” you just were employed by the Candies Foundation — and were paid a minimum of $262,000, OR SEVEN TIMES WHAT THEY ACTUALLY GAVE OUT IN TOTAL IN GRANTS — as a spokesperson who said the only way to not be a teen mom was to be abstinent.

In fact, here is the video you posted IN YOUR POST as proof you weren’t spokespersoning for abstinence.

BRISTOL PALIN WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU.

I know you remember me most from when Mom ran for Vice President. However, I’m not 17 anymore, I am 24. I’ve been employed at the same doctor’s office for over six years now; I own a home; I have a well-rounded, beautiful son.

Didn’t know you could work for a doctor’s office from Arizona (or Kentucky), but guess you learn something new every day. Anyway, we are done parsing Bristol for LIES because there are only 24 hours in a day, and we will spend some of them paying attention to our husband and baby.

Sorry your Kentucky Fried Wedding turned into a shitshow, but you’re a Palin. You’ll be just fine.

[Bristol’s Blog]

$
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  • OzoneTom

    The Original Sin and still the BEST!

    • Mehmeisterjr

      Call me a fuddy-duddy but I’ve had more fun with good old unoriginal sins than the creative stuff.

      • Blank Ron

        Can’t beat the classics, right?

  • Tendernob

    If you think Bristol is insufferable now, just wait til she goes thru her ‘Weezer’ phase.

  • deanbooth

    Hughy-D! Wassup?!

  • RecreationalPilot

    I guess once she’s had the D, she likes the D.

    She’s now aDICKted to it. That’s why she’s trying to head young virgins off at the pass, or the Y.

  • fawkedifiknow

    “God walking by her side.” Is that what the kids call Immaculate Conception nowadays?

    • Blank Ron

      Wow, God must be a goddamned HORSE.

      Okay, I am definitely going to Hell now.

  • Vecciojohn

    Wot? No new Trixel pix?

  • elviouslyqueer

    Bristol:

    As I have implored your mom to do so many, many times, please just slink away and disappear forever, you ignorant hypocritical hag.

    ALL the Fuck You’s,

    EQ

  • Nounverb911

    So is
    Sarah Palin 3 for 3 with Illegitimate
    bastard out-of-wedlock grandchild? She must be so
    proud.

    • FauxAntocles

      Can’t find a dude crazy enough to marry into the family.

    • JMPesq

      Well the son’s kid was born after the parents’ wedding – though like two or three months afterwards, well less than nine – and so technically not a bastard.

      • KarenJ

        Although rumors abound that “the son’s kid” was actually the baby Bristol seemed to be incubating during Dancing With The Stars back in late 2010.

        “The son”, Track (who also was conceived before his mom got married) and long-time Sarah gofer Britta Hanson conveniently got married in May 2011, which would be just in time to accept the delivery (get it? just like Sarah and Trig) of Bristol’s DWTS baby.

  • OrdinaryJoe

    Speaking of Barstool. Can you slut shame a slut shamer?

    • Roy Scheider said to never bullshit a bullshit artist in that one movie. So by the transitive property, yes.

  • Vecciojohn

    Just let me make a note. “Booze Kickstarter.”

  • Lizzietish81

    Bristol. You had ONE JOB! And that was to not get pregnant while getting paid to promote abstinence. Not only did you fail, but you also failed to sneak off to “A week with mom” gotten an abortion and no one would have noticed, but apparently you can’t even do this right.

    You fail!

  • I guess maternity leave is over if Trixie is back here. Fire that Kaili Joy person! She didn’t laugh at my Kale Joy joke on Twitter!

  • NellCote71

    If one is handling oneself with “dignity and grace,” self does not write “bet you feel pretty stupid now huh homos and assorted other libtard jerks!”

    Also, comma splice: My little family always has, and always will come first.

    • arglebargle

      Levi came first the first time. No tellin who came first this time.

      • marxalot

        Since she’s knocked up and comes from a line of quitters, I’m gonna say… not her.

    • Vecciojohn

      She never has, and never will listen.

    • Vienna Woods

      Nope, not a comma splice. she just left out a comma:
      My little family always has, and always will, come first.

    • Antimassacree

      Since $arah is the pronoun slayer perhaps Bristol decided to slaughter punctuation. Just what is the Palins’ first language? It can’t be English.

  • say wha

    Abstinence-grifting, wine cooler-slugfest champion, fashion-challenged, media-whore prevaricator says what?

  • Constant Gardener

    Her merciful God seems to have screwed her in the place next to the place where the babies come out after someone else screwed her in the place where babies do come out.

  • Tendernob

    “This pregnancy was actually planned.”

  • Dylan Black

    I’m really not trying to be a dick, but why do we still care about anything Bristol Palin says, ever? I get that her matriarch was important for 20 seconds once, and that her continued grifting is kind of hilarious, but I just find it difficult to care about Bristol or anything she says or does.

    In part this is a plea, is there something really hilarious here I’m missing? I hate not being in on the joke :P

    • What part of “abstinence spokesman gets pregnant” do you not find hilarious?

    • deanbooth

      I understand that this is sad — being an old, she seems like just a kid in a messed up environment.

      But the right-wing symbol of “family values” and abstinence-only sex ed becoming pregnant is kinda like taking down the Confederate flag.

      • Blank Ron

        Mmm, more like the rope breaking and the flag falling directly in a pile of fresh Rottweiler leavings.

    • PubOption

      She’s just being set up for the Wonkette iconoclasts.

    • grmpy

      It’s fun to make fun of fraud. especially one that one that has been exposed as such after being so prominently featured.

    • KarenJ

      Because Bristol was raised in, possibly, the most dysfunctional family ever in national politics, you’d think some well-meaning folks would stage an intervention for this poor deluded girl. But apparently all of her friends and relatives think this kind of behavior is NORMAL, and they encourage it.

      It’s sad how trainwrecks like this attract more media attention than the goodness of volunteers, for example.

  • Nounverb911

    Can we start a pool for the new kids name?

    I’ll start with “Trowel”.

    • SK

      Obama

    • schmannity

      If twins, Bartles and James. One boy, Seagram. One girl, Margarita.

      • glasspusher

        José Cuervo? Too ethnic?

        • schmannity

          Maybe a weekend in Nogales went awry.

    • MrBlobfish

      Pickles Palin just rolls off the tongue.

    • schmannity

      Nay-Lynne.

      • gedjcj

        Upon review, the commenter did not cross the IDGI line, the wordplay stands, schmannity is not charged a time-out, also wins the internet.

        • glasspusher

          I feel deflated.

          • gedjcj

            ISWYDT

    • KCF

      Considering the probable underlying causes… I’m going with Trapp or Trick.

    • r m reddicks

      Trump

      • gedjcj

        Oh dear.

      • Gleem-McShinez

        Apprentice Palin?

    • calliecallie

      Tramp. (Sorry, couldn’t help myself.)

      • gedjcj

        That was crass, but as I’ve said before I’m a horrible person.

    • SnarkTank

      Zima.

    • dorquemada

      Well, it sure the fuck isn’t going to be ‘Trayvon’

    • AnOuthouse

      Woops.

    • Googlethat

      Waylon but spelled Wailin’

    • Sharkey

      Shroom

    • Jonathan Lawson

      Fall.

    • coozledad

      Hitler?

    • FlownOver

      Troll.

      • gedjcj

        All the up-carets!

    • CognizantImpiety

      Algebra.

      • jcinco

        Geometry.

      • gedjcj

        Precalc II

    • malsperanza

      “Grift”

      • malsperanza

        Or “Meth.” Works for a boy or a girl.

    • Donald E Niman

      “Knocked”

    • MegPasadena

      Trick.

    • Celtic_Gnome

      Hubris.

    • Mehmeisterjr

      If a boy – Sodom

      If a girl – Gomorrah

      If twins – Curd and Whey

    • Duckbudder

      Stagger

    • pstockholm

      Chastity if it’s a girl, maybe Weird Trick if it’s a boy.

    • mtn_philosoph

      Vape.

    • mtn_philosoph

      Dayam.

    • mtn_philosoph

      Fleek.

    • mtn_philosoph

      X.

    • mtn_philosoph

      Derg.

    • mtn_philosoph

      Teef.

    • mtn_philosoph

      Sup.

    • mtn_philosoph

      Sup.

    • mtn_philosoph

      Roid.

    • mtn_philosoph

      Perp.

  • schmannity

    She was engaged, but she quit halfway through.

    • Nounverb911

      A true Palin.

    • Vecciojohn

      You’d think with that being a dominant trait in the family she’d never get knocked up.

      • marxalot

        Nah, that’s what the Palin lads use for birth control.

      • HogeyeGrex

        Apparently, she also quit halfway through the pulling out part.

    • OzoneTom

      But there is certainly ONE thing that she doesn’t quit halfway through!

    • MegPasadena

      Three times in total!

  • dorquemada

    obligatory…

    • JMPesq

      Why are there so many white Christians who are single mothers, anyway? So many out-of-wedlock white babies, it must be some sort of failure of white culture…

      • dorquemada

        Repression at home leads to a pathological need to exert independence by the one thing guaranteed to make mommy’s head explode. Fucking.

      • darnyoudarnyoutoheck

        Failure of chritianist culture anyway. “If I don’t plan to have sex, if I don’t use birth control, if I’m drunk, if it is love, then its OK, Jesus will give me a pass”

        • r m reddicks

          Jesus loves you this I know
          because Bristol Palin told me so.
          I feel sorry for the kid
          no matter the chippie or the things I did.
          This I know and know quite well
          A Palins heaven is a children’s hell.

        • Celtic_Gnome

          Doesn’t she know about the sex that God can’t see?

    • AnOuthouse

      Is this her pole dance routine? Sexy!

      • gedjcj

        That was her Psy tribute.

    • grmpy

      should say “wealthy”

  • Bob@Bob.com

    “I am fully capable of handling anything that is put in front of me with dignity and grace” – so…when’s she gonna start?

    • Vecciojohn

      Next time, dearie, don’t start by handling his John Thomas.

      • r m reddicks

        I’m late again. (but that may be what she said and the one ky boy figured it was time to take a powder. Probably even left his medal behind. You know who’ll end up wearing that.)

    • grmpy

      God told her dignity and grace was tantrumming on social media while using Faux swear words at people. A$$HOLES!

  • diogenez

    Paying back the $262,000 would do wonders for her reputation.

    • Vecciojohn

      Not where she comes from.

    • Blank Ron

      Hafta pry it out of the Knik Kountry Liquor store first.

    • Antimassacree

      She can get 5 cents per empty bottle brought back for recycling, that could get her a long way to the $262,000.

  • JohnR

    Glad to hear Bristol believes in, ahem, Planned Parenthood.
    Oh yeah I meant to do that. https://youtu.be/9hNIX7V21pU

    • Bitter Scribe

      Damn it, you got here before I did.

  • Lizzietish81

    As already been speculated, her erstwhile fiance is not the father and this is what led to their breakup and like her first slampiece, will be saying some not nice things about this. Because she couldn’t just fail, she had to epically fail.

    • dorquemada

      I’m picturing the dinner table conversation when mom found out that she’s going to lose the medal of honor winner as a political showpiece. It’s a lovely scene.

    • Hanaka

      So she planned to get knocked up by some random dude while engaged to her gun-humping medal winner? Sounds like medal winner dude dodged another bullet. Haha

  • Nounverb911

    Will Bristol be using Obamacare to have the baby, or will she slip over the border and use Canadian Socialized Medicine?

    • grmpy

      I’m pretty sure it comes from Mom’sCheckbookCare

    • Blank Ron

      Hey! No American anchor babies!

      – Jason Bilsky, CEO, Whitehorse General Hospital

  • mrFawkes

    Will Barstool name the disappointment Bartle or Jaymes?

    • Bob@Bob.com

      She’ll name him Dylan Storm

      • PubOption

        Do you think she was given Roofies?

        • grmpy

          to slip in the sperm donor’s drink?

  • diogenez

    If Bristol actually planned this pregnancy, doesn’t that make her even more guilty of hypocrisy – and fraud?

    • Zippy

      one would think…

    • Mellybel

      Yes.

    • laineypc

      She secretly married the baby daddy before preggers, but can’t tell anybody because…well she can’t tell us why but It’s a Really Good Non-Hypocritical Reason.

      • jmk

        Who is the baby-daddy? Oh, we don’t know him… he lives in Canada…

        • Blank Ron

          Not in the paddock around back of the house?

    • Jonathan Lawson

      She only planned the pregnancy, not the sex…
      #Palinlogic

  • Malmborg Implano

    I’m guessing that what she meant about letting her family down had to do with failing to coerce this guy into marrying her using the time-honored “oops, pregnant!” technique.

    • Lizzietish81

      Nah, it’s losing her grifty job

    • rebecca

      it’s a good technique! it worked for me!

      • Jen_Baker_VA

        My now husband tried to use that technique on me.

        • Mintie

          In other words, you married him for his sense of humor. Awesome :)

          • Jen_Baker_VA

            that and his really big penis.
            But mostly the sense of humor.

          • Gil

            Pictues ? ( for a friend )

      • Oblios_Cap

        Congratulations!

    • Bob@Bob.com

      If Todd was a real man he’d get his shotgun and march right over to that fellas place…

      • jmk

        Dude won a Medal of Honor and keeps a gun by his side when doing stuff as dangerous as playing with a babby. I’m thinkin’ Tawd would piss himself with fear at the thought of disputing ownership of so much as an Eggo waffle with him, much less confronting him about a pregnant Bristle.

  • Mahousu

    Bristol 2, Virgin Mary 1.
    Even though Bristol’s already won, I have a sneaking suspicion she’s going to run up the score some more.

    • Bob@Bob.com

      Wait, did Mary remain a virgin after Jesus? How in the hell did she talk Joseph into that? …Oh, wait. Performance anxiety. God has got to be a tough act to follow.

      • Lizzietish81

        Jesus had brothers in the Bible.

        • Mahousu

          Yeah, but we don’t talk about them. At least if “we” means “Catholic theologians.”
          It must have been tough to have Jesus as your big brother: “Hey, Mom, I just got named head of the Nazareth Sanhedrin! And my fishing fleet now has 12 vessels!”
          “That’s nice, dear. Oh, your brother just fed 5,000 people off of a couple of scraps. And healed, what was it, 20 or 30 of ‘incurable’ diseases. Or perhaps it was 40; one does lose track.”

          • Bob@Bob.com

            Ah, the biblical explanation of middle child syndrome

          • You never hear about “Isaac the Pissed”.

          • You never hear about “Isaac the Pissed”.

          • gedjcj

            Once a virgin, always a virgin. This explains so much.

      • r m reddicks

        God had cigarettes. And humor!

      • glennisw

        Does it work that way? Cause the babby has to come out through the same portal.

  • JMPesq

    “So here are the things you should all get straight before you continue to mock me, judge me, and talk about me.”

    Should have thought of that before you kept mocking, judging and talking about everyone else who you don’t think measures up to the standards you demand everyone else adheres to even though you don’t live up to them yourself, you prick. You deserve every bit of shit you get, not for having a sex life like normal people do, but for being a holier-than-thou judgy little asshole who tries to tell everyone else how to run their own sex lives.

    • Anarchy Pony

      Where’s the grifterbux in that?

    • MisterRichPeoples

      The Situation: “C’mon B-Palin, are you serious? Like, you’re not gonna hook up before you’re married for real?”

      Bristol Palin: “For real.”

      The Situation: “For real, for real?”

      Bristol Palin: “For real, for real, for real…Trust me, I’m not getting myself into another situation.”

      https://youtu.be/UyWKlxNAh30

  • Vecciojohn

    It’s tragic. She’s only a couple of IQ points short of understanding why we laugh so hard at her.

    • YayConspiracy

      Couple of points, huh? ever the optimist!

  • BigBoppa

    …did we mention that she sucks?

    Considering that she keeps getting knocked up, perhaps she should suck a lot more.

    • grmpy

      I’d stand in line for that.

      • gedjcj

        Better get one of those smart condoms first.

        • grmpy

          She’s allergic to those things- smart

  • Lefty Frizzell

    Try to picture the headlines, articles and comments, especially those coming from the Palins, if this story was about Sasha or Malia.

    • Zippy

      ask Dan Savage about that

    • Nounverb911

      The deleted comments on this should be a pleasure to read.

      • r m reddicks

        breitbart.cum will take you there so’s you don’t have to wait.

  • You get pregnant after you break up with your fiancee and don’t even hint at who the babydaddy is? TOTALLY PLANNED.

    • chicken thief

      Like SarahPAC, it was crowd sourced.

      • CognizantImpiety

        How many fathers does that baby have?

        • grmpy

          It takes a village.

          • Antimassacree

            Perhaps in this instance.

  • marxalot

    “Hypocrite Palin talks out of both sides of mouth, babby-hole, bum; do two lies equal truth? Details in film.”

  • JohnR

    I actually clicked on the vid, don’t do it.

    • Lizzietish81

      I just wanted to see what the comments on youtube were.

      hahaha disabled

  • Spotts1701

    Yeah, Bristol. Go with that story. Your first post about this sounded like you’d just been told you had 6 months to live. Now you claim it’s the happiest moment EVAR and us “haters” aren’t going to take her down.
    Either you’re lying or you’ve found someone who’ll give you loads of pharmaceuticals on the side. Either way, not buying it. Keep it up and your kiddos will be paying for their therapist’s kids to go to Yale.

  • Rickyphoo

    I haz confusion… Who knocked her up, the Medal guy or some Kentucky-Arizona-Alaska redneck?

    • Anarchy Pony

      Yes.

    • JohnR

      My money is on the doctor she’s been working for all this time when not doing other stuff.

      • grmpy

        Well he’s she’s been running the front and back offices

    • r m reddicks

      Yes.

    • Nounverb911

      AOT,K.

    • Bob@Bob.com

      All I know is that if that baby doesn’t come out lily white, there’s gonna be some heads asplodin’

      • Jen_Baker_VA

        Hush your mouth, that’s just a VERY deep babby tan

        • r m reddicks

          So it WAS Jindal!

        • r m reddicks

          So it WAS Jindal!

      • Blank Ron

        Her OB/GYN already has the spray cans of white paint ready.

    • Gil

      Shows how stupid YOU are. Why on god’s green arth would you expect HER to know ? Jeesh!

  • Zippy

    Fuck you all

    looks like she quit half way through, just like mom…

  • Anarchy Pony

    What’s the biblical penalty for getting knocked up out of wedlock?

    • Lizzietish81

      Ask Bob Dylan.

      • Anarchy Pony

        Everybody must get stoned?

        • chicken thief

          That or “Lay, lady, lay”.

          • r m reddicks

            Stuck inside of Bristol with the Memphis blues again?

      • Jen_Baker_VA

        That took me a whole 45 seconds of staring and going…wha?
        edit: so kudos I meant

      • dorquemada

        That was a thing of beauty.

    • Bob@Bob.com

      The bible has nothing to do with it. They’re Christians for Christ’s sake

    • r m reddicks

      Well, she was probably already stoned. And I think Lizzietish81 beat me to it by a slow typing finger.

    • JustPixelz

      Either stoned to death or they start a religion about you.

      • JMPesq

        Yeah, you can get away with it if you can convince your dumb fiancé it was actually a god that knocked you up and you’re really still a virgin.

    • Bill Slider

      Motherhood.

    • Karen Anderson

      A scarlet F.

  • bikerlaureate

    It’s not false witness… if you believe it.

  • dslindc

    Shorter Bristol: “STOP SHAMING ME FOR TRYING TO GRIFT PEOPLE!”

  • MrBlobfish

    If only that family had an adult roll model…

    • schmannity

      Like a Parker House or Onion? Better than the humans there.

      • Oblios_Cap

        Anybody named Cinnamon?

      • Beaumarchais?

        More like Drop’N or Gofora, with that bunch.

  • Sam Hain

    You can take the trash out of the trailer-park but you can’t take the trailer-park out of the trash.

  • grmpy

    I like how in the bristol palin world a single mother of almost 2 can survive just fine (not to mention own her own home) on one job in a doctor’s office… Must be nice where she’s at… Probably in Europe some where… FUCKIN’ GIDDY COMMIE A$$HOLE …beeeotch

    • willi0000000

      what part of $262,000 didn’t you understand?

      • grmpy

        Jesus she made 262K from working at a doctor’s office?

  • Lizzietish81

    At this point, I think the next thing has to be one of the Palin kids coming out as gay along with one of the Duggar children.

    • Jen_Baker_VA

      you mean come out gay /with/ a duggar, or just along side one?

      • Lizzietish81

        Be caught in a gay situation with a Duggar.

        • Vienna Woods

          And one of Scalia’s, also, too. Hey, he’s got 9 of them!

          • topjob66t

            Then the odds are in the zone. But the closet will be their best friend for a long time.

        • SnarkTank

          While one of the Duck Dynasty folks faps in the corner.

    • JMPesq

      Willow is 21 and hasn’t gotten knocked up yet, and she’s quick to through out the homophobic slurs, maybe she has more in common with her namesake from Buffy than meets the eye.

      • rebecca

        I would never imply that there’s something rather Rosie O’Donnellish about Willow Palin.

      • “We’re lovers. Lesbian, gay-type lovers.”
        “No, I meant your relationship with the Slayer.”
        “Oh!… we’re just good friends.”

    • glennisw

      Willow or Piper? I’m putting my money on Willow.

      • Lizzietish81

        Hunh, Sarah named two of her children after two TV witches?

  • beatbort

    You know, for an aggressively Christian, self-righteous defender of “family values,” Bristol has quite the potty mouth.
    Do you eat food out of that same mouth, girl?

    • Left Coast Tom

      Is “Bartles and James” food?

      • Blank Ron

        Calories250Sodium0 mgTotal Fat0 gPotassium0 mgSaturated0 gTotal Carbs46 gPolyunsaturated0 gDietary Fiber0 gMonounsaturated0 gSugars0 gTrans0 gProtein0 gCholesterol0 mg Vitamin A0%Calcium0%Vitamin C0%Iron0%

        I THINK that’s a ‘no.’

  • mosjef

    They don’t make a trailer big enough for that girl and her stoopidity.

  • Jen_Baker_VA

    Waitwaitwaitwaitwait. So now she planned an unwed preggo state, on purpose, with no man or husband in the picture??????
    Where are all the “kids deserve a mom and a dad!” criers on this one?

    • Anarchy Pony

      IOKIYAR.

      • Jen_Baker_VA

        I keep forgetting that. Carry on then

      • BackDoorMan

        … I assume the ‘R’ in IOKIYAR stands for reprehensible.

        • Anarchy Pony

          Close enough.

  • JMPesq

    “I was employed by the great people at The Candies Foundation.”

    Considering that they appear to be a phony charity that really are a bunch of grifters – and so a perfect match for the Palins – and that their agenda is pushing the bullshit idea that people shouldn’t have sex until they’ve already gotten married – which is just idiotic – no, those are not great people, they are awful assholes just like you, Bristol.

    • Bitter Scribe

      Not to mention that they market sexy clothes to young girls. Contradict much?

      • KarenJ

        Using the most suggestive ads this side of porn, too.

        • Vienna Woods

          Well, OBVIOUSLY they’re married!

          • Celtic_Gnome

            I can see butt cleavage on that guy, but I don’t see no wedding ring.

      • glennisw

        It always struck me as hilarious the company that made “f*ck me pumps” was sponsoring abstinence.

  • Zippy

    Seems like only yesterday that these people were moral scolding single women who were having babbies. I love how they’ve suddenly discovered the concept that even the best plans can change unexpectedly- now that it’s convenient to do so…

    • Jen_Baker_VA

      nuh uh, it was totally planned, she said so! She doesn’t want a lecture for disappointing everyone and stuff but demmit she planned to have this babby out of wedlock. Nothing unexpected!
      ert. wat?

      • James Christopher Owen

        Oxygen goes in, derp comes out. Who can explain it?

      • Amy!

        This is a planned disappointment to her family and friends which she is also looking forward to!

        Wait. Given her family and friends, that actually makes sense. Huh.

    • Anarchy Pony

      Most women who are anti-abortion generally have three exceptions; Rape, Incest, Me.
      For men it would probably be; Rape, Incest, My Wife, My Daughter, My Mistress.

  • Bob@Bob.com

    I for one think an abortion is in order here

    • MrBlobfish

      That’s not nice

      • Bob@Bob.com

        Its OK. I’m trained

        • chicken thief

          It’s far too late. She’s 24 already.

          • Blank Ron

            99th trimester?

    • 24601

      Too late. She’s 24.

      • Bob@Bob.com

        See? That’s the kind of defeatist attitude that is ruining ‘murica

  • cheeriogirl

    Was this pregnancy planned by Bristol, or Sarah? Inquiring minds want to know.

    • grmpy

      That’s a good “the new Newlywed Game with Bob Eubanks” question, that sadly Bristol will never get to play.

  • Enfant Terrible

    Having an “unexpected” pregnancy while publicly advocating for abstinence is small potatoes.

    Having an “unexpected” pregnancy while being paid handsome fees to advocate for abstinence is quite another thing.

    Why would any man want to be involved with Bristol Palin?

    • chicken thief

      ‘Cause she puts out?

      • TheBidenator

        Bingo….attractive, likes cheap booze and is easy.

    • Bob@Bob.com

      I have to admit I’ve wondered if momma grizzly squeals with a Fargo accent

    • grmpy

      Aside from her extreme games level of personality flaws, she’s actually attractive. It’s easy for dudes to separate personality from physical beauty.

      • Blank Ron

        Especially after a twelve of Keystone.

    • r m reddicks

      Get in on the grift?

    • OrdinaryJoe

      Guythinking is something like this: Hit it? You bet. Marry it? LOLOLOLOLOL.

  • James Christopher Owen

    I’m terrified for her children.

    • Blank Ron

      I wish she was.

  • 24601

    Forgetting all the lies…why does Bristle’s cousin (on the link) keep encouraging Bristle to, “Come on – let’s got down to Mug’s and get drunk”. Do these people not know how baby machines work? Do they know that pregnant Palins shouldn’t get drunk?

    • Bob@Bob.com

      Explains some things about momma grizzly now that you mention it.

    • SK

      Exactly. See how Bristol turned out.

    • TheBidenator

      To answer your question, None of them, Katie…

    • jmk

      I liked his insistence that her little sister could be their designated driver… that was, as another delightful person in the news would put it, yooogely classy.

    • grmpy

      Maybe that’s the secret to their recipe. Didn’t think of that didja smarty pants?!!?

    • Blank Ron

      Given the sump fluid that passes for the Palin gene pool, how much more damage could it do to that poor, doomed embryo?

  • Jus_Wonderin

    BRISTOLPALINCONCEPTION! BRISTOLPALINCEPTIONED!

  • Mavenmaven

    I don’t think the word “planned” means what you think it means.

    • sw19womble

      I don’t think the word “abstinence” means what she thinks it means either.

      • Bob@Bob.com

        She abstained from the jello shots and went for the jager

        • grmpy

          she planned it that way

    • gedjcj

      Ding! If I followed her “logic”, it was “planned” in the sense that she always “planned” on having a bigger family, but “I got ahead of myself”.

      (Full disclosure, this bleeding-heart thought of a couple of more charitable ways to read that tossed word salad with a side of butthurt vinaigrette, but fuck it this is Wonkette, or would be if Wonkette allowed comments.)

  • 24601

    She was paid $262,000 to push abstinence and she didn’t think to set aside a few bucks for contraception?

    • beavertank

      She’s a Palin, not a planner.

    • r m reddicks

      It was against her sincere religious beliefs.

  • Totie Capote

    She’s such a lovely piece of work, is she not? This was priceless and well worth the time away from your husband and child.

  • Bill Slider

    The baby was planned, the marriage not so much.

    • grmpy

      Funny how the marriage could wait but the sex couldn’t.

      • Blank Ron

        At least she has her priorities firmly in order.

  • Incoming Ham

    Her life would be so much better if she just shut up.

    • zerosumgame0005

      for her and for us, WIN-WIN baby!

    • Celtic_Gnome

      Her life wouild be so much better if she’d been born into a different family.

      • Incoming Ham

        That too.

  • timpundit

    The fucking was planned. What else do ya need?

  • labman57

    So much for Bristol’s “abstinence-only” advocacy for unmarried women and girls.
    How much was she being paid to preach her hypocritical, sanctimonious snake oil?

  • AnOuthouse

    Don’t mess with new moms. They have no patience for your horse shit, let me tell you.

  • bumfug

    Bristol just couldn’t believe she’d gotten pregnant — after all, she made extra sure not to swallow.

  • AnOuthouse

    Is that Bristol wearing the slut shoes in that video? She probably borrowed them from her mom.

  • Joshua Norton

    I was employed by the great people at The Candies Foundation.

    Here’s the latest abstinence advice from Bristol Palin:

    “Stay a virgin and set a good example for your kids.”

    • chicken thief

      Hey, it worked for the Virgin Mary!

    • grmpy

      HEY HEY HEY!!! It doesn’t count in the A$$. It’s not her fault if some of it dripped into her… sorry, too far?

  • AnOuthouse

    I guess Dakota was in on the plan.

    • grmpy

      Probably just the fuckin’ part

    • r m reddicks

      Dakota? Isn’t that a female name in white world? How in the hell did she get all preggers when she was lesbianin’ around like that?

  • Angry_Cop

    The most delicious part of this schadenfreude cake is the obvious, yet completely unspoken, acknowledgement that she has NO IDEA who the dad is.

    • chicken thief

      Can’t they narrow down the date of conception? Then, working from that date plus/minus three days, they should be able to narrow it down to a few dozen possibles.

      • gedjcj

        That assumes she knew their names.

        • Land Shark

          How do you expect her to remember five or six names from one evening and two bottles of Jager?

        • Steverino247

          Or their regimental motto.

  • Msgr_Moment

    Meh. Snark tree laden with ripe fruit, branches scraping the ground. Ima pass and check out the Big Tony retirement countdown clock instead.

    • r m reddicks

      Those things neither retire not expire.

  • Googlethat

    I know you remember me most from when Mom ran for Vice President. However, I’m not 17 anymore, I am 24. I’ve been employed at the same doctor’s office for over six years now; I own a home; I have a well-rounded, beautiful son.

    And yet in 2014 when it was time to modify child support Brisdull said she had zero income in 2013 and the first half of 2014 .

    http://radaronline.com/exclusives/2014/07/bristol-palin-levi-johnston-custody-fight-income-zero-dollars/

    • grmpy

      You’re a MORAN, she said she worked at the doctor’s office. she didn’t say anything about getting paid!!

      • 24601

        Honestly, she’s probably working off the bill for the plastic surgery she had so she could look like Snooki.

      • HolidayinCambodia

        Have you got any idea how expensive hymenoplasty is?

        Especially when you have to have it done repeatedly?

        • Blank Ron

          ‘Dammit, Bristol, you still haven’t finished healing from the LAST one.’

      • r m reddicks

        She performed abortions for free? Or was it a self-lobotomy?

  • MrBlobfish

    Does this mean she won’t be attending this year’s Gathering of the Juggalos?

  • calliecallie

    Bristol, I have one word for you: Aspirin.

    • CognizantImpiety

      Knees together? WTF?

  • KatieAnnieOakley

    And people say “conniving cunt” like that’s a bad thing…

  • grmpy

    She had to one up her mom. Mom quit half through. Bristol quit, really, before it started. Take that Sara!!

  • Joshua Norton

    This pregnancy was actually planned.

    • All four doors of the Escalade were locked before they started. That’s planning!

  • chicken thief

    Brizdull, Brizdull, Brizdull. What does ‘this pregnancy was actually planned’ have to do with Jesus telling you to keep cocks outta yer hoohah?

    • r m reddicks

      It was dark in the outhouse that night.

  • Politics_Nerd

    Bald-faced liar living up to Palin Family tradition.

  • Becca Norwood

    Can’t undo the Palin freak show. But I hate John McCain for giving them relevance & grifting opportunities.

  • 24601

    Poor Bristle’s going to have to take her babby on the Maury Povich show to find the daddy…

    http://images.complex.com/complex/image/upload/t_article_image/ogozo04zaycns2mv3etl.gif

  • 24601

    “I don’t always have unplanned pregnancies, but when I do, I plan them. Stay grifty my friends”

    • JDogski

      Thanks for making me spit out a mouthful of coffee on my desk! Others may not agree, but I think you win!!!

    • Sephia8

      He he

  • rocktonsam

    oh she’s good you guys, real good

  • Charles Cates

    A Face in the Crowd

    • r m reddicks

      Onionhead libel. Or turniphead or something that knocked her up.

  • Boscoe
    • Anarchy Pony

      Bitter Scribe actually beat you to that.

      • Boscoe

        Well *I* already posted it on Immoral Minority two days ago, so HA. (Also, too lazy to scroll down. ;p)

  • Biel_ze_Bubba

    I’d say she abstained from planning.

    • r m reddicks

      Or at least enough planning to spring the trap. Though spring the trap may be a bad choice of phrase there.

  • The Sandman

    Third times a charm.

  • KatieAnnieOakley

    You get a baby, and he gets a baby, and she gets a baby… we all get a baby!
    .

    • r m reddicks

      I do hate you for Oafrah.

  • Candy Apple

    I regret none of the Schadenfreude I felt at hearing this joyous news, Bristol.

  • TheBidenator

    The Palins couldn’t get anymore white trash if AMC decided to film a reality show about them to appeal to Double wide ‘Murica. To think that John McCain put that woman one bitter old man who yells at clouds heartbeat away from the Presidency…

  • Shalimar

    Like when she tells her sister Willow to get out of her house …
    (Yes, we watched “Life’s A Tripp” at least twice, for you, the Wonker.Kickstarter for so much booze to forget it all!)

    Thank you for proving there is no such thing as that much booze. Forget, you did not. Link again later, you did.

  • The Sandman

    BRISTLEPALIN life.family.alaska. And dick. Lots and lots of dick

  • Villago Delenda Est

    Bristol, dear, if you want people to respect your privacy, you need to start by respecting it yourself.

    Stupid bitch.

  • Mehmeisterjr

    She’s a Palin, all right.

    • Diz

      Worse, she’s a Heath/Palin.

      • KarenJ

        Which is to say, she’s a third generation slut…er, pro-life evangelical.

  • Relativicus

    The idea she simply forgot she planned the pregnancy is entirely within the realm of possibilities. Between abstinenting her way to being with child, having no income from a job of six years (we really need to do something about the Alaskan minimum wage), and wondering where her next TV or conservative grift dollar is coming from, she obviously has a lot on her mind. Plus, she probably tests herself everyday, so when the tester read “BABBY!1!” after so many “NO BABBYS!1!” she developed a momentary amnesia for a few days.

    • Jan Ness

      She was drunk at the time?

      • Toomush_Infer

        It’s not her fault! She wasn’t there!….

        • Suse

          She was only holding it for a friend!

  • jviscont1

    good to read the Editrix didn’t have to knock off a lot of family leave induced rust.

  • alwayspunkindrublic

    I’m sure the family dog is going, “fucking great, another feral little hellion to use me as a footstool to reach the sink”.

    • glennisw

      They got rid of the family pig.

      • Blank Ron

        ? I thought Sarah released a new video last week?

  • gedjcj

    As delighted as I was to see OBE’s (Our Beloved Editrix) byline, I now realize I have spent over half an hour thinking and reading about Bristol Palin (even going so far as to read some of her actual words) and today I really don’t want to start drinking yet. (Protip: Drunk/stoned at marriage counseling is always a Bad Idea™, regardless of the insights into the family dynamics it provides the counsellor.)

    • DrV57

      Especially if you’re the counselor (hic).

  • FinalOpinion

    The Palin family is the absolute epitome of the “Good Christian White Trash”.

  • Dave

    Dear sirs,

    Would you please avoid perpetuating urban legends and outright lies. One can not “go fuck herself (or oneself), right in the ear.” I have spent the better part of the last hour trying. I count on Wonkette for the truth.

    • Mehmeisterjr

      Two words: “Ron” and “Jeremy.”

  • James

    After a car has that kind of mileage, nobody wants to stick their key in it.

    • Jus_Wonderin

      And, they can’t say honestly that it is ONE owner. It’s probably had many test drives and definitely two owners.

      • grmpy

        Wouldn’t it be great if there was a a kinda “carfax” for slutz whores Bristol Palin

        • Guest

          Yeah, I can see it now: “Many different drivers, however nobody want to really own it. It’s had some work done on the front end, but it was all cosmetic. It runs good on ethanol, but really gets to revving on wine coolers. The backseat is very worn and showing its age, however if you throw a camo dress over it, it’s good to go.”

    • janecita

      Please, I hate the little hypocritical bitch and her trashy family, but “mileage” have nothing to do with a person’s worth. We are not Duggars here!

  • Jan Ness

    How can we miss you if you won’t go away?

  • Boko999

    I am sick to death of people, who should know better, a lot fucking better, who classify babies as legitimate/illegitimate. As I never let comments like that go by in conversation I’ll just register a complaint instead of telling you to go fuck yourself (silly, I know) on account of loving you so much.

    An old bastard.

    • rebecca

      I AM ILLEGItimAte TOO.

      I’m just being a bitch.

      • gedjcj

        I never thought it was about “legitimacy”, regarding your bitchiness:

      • Boko999

        And don’t you ever change. I said I loved you (in a non-creepy way).

    • grmpy

      shouldn’t this be posted on Candies (Bristol’s “don’t fuck” employer’s) website?

    • gedjcj

      It’s not about legitimacy, it’s about hypocrisy and the grifting thereon.

  • geoffalnutt

    “Hello, I must be going. I came to say I cannot stay. I’m going…”

    • grmpy

      about as smart as setting a wake alarm so you can take a nap.

  • VandeGraf

    The girl is one blue ruin. She’s messed up! Good luck to the kids, they’ll need it.

  • docterry6973

    I guess that ‘no lectures’ part didn’t apply to her. Thanks for the name-calling, Bristol, now go away and enjoy your privacy.

  • grmpy

    Man, I’ve been reading all of the classy things Bristol has been posting with God on her side!
    Who knew God was such a potty mouth that stands by while family members advocate pregnant mother’s drinking!! (I guess we all know why her daughter trig (Ironic name) was born with downs-Alcohol causes down’s right?). #Palin’sarewhat’swrongwiththiscunttree

    • elpinche

      Her blog: Jesus, babies, military, jesus, babies, military, fuck you all!, jesus, babies, military etc etc

      • KarenJ

        Her blog: I’m a better mom than Wendy Davis, who only raised two daughters with the help of two husbands, then got a law degree and became a state senator. I’m a better actress than Lena Dunham, and I dance better than Miley Cyrus, also, too. And my mom would have been a better president than Obama, so there!

        • Jessica Neubauer

          Hey, you need quote marks and attribution.

      • grmpy

        I see my original comment has been deleted. To be (and I hate using this word) fair the end part of that comment was far off sides. it’s pretty foul to trash the only palin who is probably the most honest and innocent one of the bunch. My sincere apologies wonkettes and to trig. grmps

        • rebecca

          thanks hon!

  • elpinche

    Bristles really needs to listen to Zardoz:

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bWeyUTBkTss

    • grmpy

      Is there any other kind?

  • herrointment

    Let her be.

    Enough already.

    • KarenJ

      Until her next hypocritical rant about librul actors, singers, politicians, dumped boyfriends…

      Any day now.

    • grmpy

      Absolutely not!!!
      For how long has she trolled the establishment? Carni’ed the establishment… and we’re limited to a few days??!!
      You are out of your mind!!
      She needs to know she is a colossal fuck up, a dishonest piece of shit and that will not be achieved until she can no longer pretend justify shit to herself… or pretend to on social media

    • thepoliticalcat

      NEVER. :D

    • Suse

      You have got to be kidding!

    • janecita

      Nah, I think that we can still keep on fucking that chicken for a while;-)

      • vivian

        Odds are someone will, anyhow…

    • Celtic_Gnome

      We can’t let her be. She won’t let us.

  • thepoliticalcat

    She LIVES! Editrix! Can you sit down yet?

    Hey, I’m just going by my best friend’s experience wut had a Babby at 40 & couldn’t sit down for a month.

    Back to writing, dammit! The slackers around here just haven’t been Rude Enough since you done bin gone.

    • rebecca

      I am still on maternity leave till Thursday, when Kaili goes on vacation like a common Obama. Then, when she gets back, I will take more maternity leave, because maternity leave is AWESOME.

  • thepoliticalcat

    She LIVES! Editrix! Can you sit down yet?

    Hey, I’m just going by my best friend’s experience wut had a Babby at 40 & couldn’t sit down for a month.

    Back to writing, dammit! The slackers around here just haven’t been Rude Enough since you done bin gone.

  • grmpy

    I wonder if the Palins are related to Jim Baker, Jim Swaggart. Look at Bristol taking the reins of equal opportunity fraud!!

  • Gleem-McShinez

    Planned Palinhood

    • vivian

      Pained Planetoid

    • Vienna Woods

      Planned Victimhood.

      • Blank Ron

        Hot dog, we have a wiener!

  • PsycWench

    Um. Has she named the babydaddy yet?

    • dorquemada

      Kanye.

      • Suse

        I told you guys a few days ago – it’s Josh Duggar.

        • grmpy

          We told you a few days ago she’s too old for him.

          • Suse

            I must have been absent that day.

        • dorquemada

          Too old for him, but I like the idea.

        • janecita

          Maybe Jim Bob? Michelle is getting a little long in the tooth.

          • grmpy

            and by “long in the tooth” you mean big in the vagina -ugh-ugh-ugh-ugh.
            I swear that woman sneezes and you gotta duck a flying baby coming out of crotch.

          • janecita

            You have to admit, that is a pretty good party trick though!

          • Suse

            I’m sure she’s had all the possible prolapses and multiple repairs.

        • Bren

          She’s too old for Josh

    • grmpy

      JESUS CHRIST, MAN!!! there’s just somethings you don’t talk about in public!
      -brody bruce

    • cessnadriver

      Glenn Rice.

    • John McCain?

  • Gleem-McShinez

    This baby was planned for a long time! Like millions of years!
    Back when nature decided splooge hitting an ovum makes a babby.

    • Suse

      How can it be millions of years, when the earth is only 6000 years old?

      • Gleem-McShinez

        “You see, when a religion loves an ideology very much, it takes its generational math out and inserts it into a credulous population…”

        • Suse

          Stop with your blasphemy!

        • Celtic_Gnome

          I’ll be in my bunk.

  • Lady Bug

    Welcome back Editrix!!! Congrats on DR Babby too!!! :D

  • Guest

    If for once she is telling the truth, well it kinda makes it seems like, oh I don’t know, that maybe she was trapping whomever the father is.
    She and Duhkota were set to get married in May…geez Louise what was her rush to get knocked up??? Unless perhaps she realized Duhkota wasn’t her dream guy, but hey, why not get preggers anyway cause that’s a sure fire way to collect money from somebody for the next 18 years…

  • janecita

    Is it me, or the Virgin Mary looks like a big, sanctimonious slut (not the fun kind) in that picture?

    • Greg Comlish

      Oh C’mon. Any time you Photoshop Bristol’s face onto somebody else, that other person is going to look like a sanctimonious slut.

  • A Bashful Nobody

    I is feeling sorry for the new babby.

    • Suse

      Especially for getting stuck with a weird-ass name like Truck or something.

  • JoeChristmas

    I have never been paid as an “abstinence spokesperson.”

    Well, duh, she never was abstinent.

    • grmpy

      “obstinate,” sure but never abstinent.

      • JoeChristmas

        “insolent” would work too.

        • Suse

          other “ent” words not applying to Bristle:
          obedient
          competent
          decent
          excellent
          nonviolent

          • grmpy

            add benevolent to the list

          • nmmagyar

            Intelligent

        • alwayspunkindrublic

          Change the “s” to “d” and I’m with you.

    • LeftCoastLeftie

      I believe her official title was “abstinence actress-in-training”

      • “I’m not abstinent I just play one on TV.”

  • Rick Hill

    You know..in retrospect, seeing how The Mighty Bamz didn’t save the world from going sdown the shitter(big disappointment from you. The One, my eye)maybe it wouldn’t have been a terrible thing if McCain had won. I’d say we missed out on some spectacular drama tv. Palin and Co as the second family would have been a nonstop hoot.

    • BackDoorMan

      … after watching the series The Royals, which is supposed to be a drama “loosely based” on British nobility but comes off as a pretty wicked lampoon of the rich and fatuous, I’m thinking a series based on The Palins as the second (or first) family would be an instant comedy classic. They wouldn’t even have to write a script – just let the methbillies loose on a set resembling the White House. T.V. gold, I tells ya’!

  • malsperanza

    “So here are the things you should all get straight before you continue to mock me, judge me, and talk about me.”

    Glad to see we are taking all the correct steps:
    1. Get all that bullshit straight. check
    2. Continue to mock and judge. check
    3. And Hon, we’ll stop talking about you the day you stop being funny.

  • SprayedMilkOutMyNose

    I plan to. Its saved my life.

  • Gleem-McShinez

    I think I figured out why Bristol says she’s “never been paid” for that Candies gig.

    Obviously: Sarah stole the checks signed them over to herself.

    • Blank Ron

      Bristol’s been forging her momma’s name on things since she was 12. No reason not to return the favour.

  • Me not sure

    Does the word “planned” mean something different in Wasillese? Do they have words for “condom”, “marriage”, or “honesty” in that strange northern tongue?

    • Blank Ron

      Yes. It’s ‘whut?’

  • Poly_Ester

    I’ll buy that the baby was planned, just not for now. Perhaps she was trying to rope the dope, or husband-to-be, because he was starting to get cold feet.

    • grmpy

      that’s usually what happens to my feet after I cum.
      it’s a science thing.

    • Solipsister

      Maybe she means “planned” in that batshitcrazy Reformed-slash-Calvinist “predestined” way. Her god is an awesome all-knowing god who has his eye on the sparrows and knows the weight of your every turd before it drops yadayada.

      • Steverino247

        Weigh my turds, my Lord. Weigh my turds.

        • Captain Kraut

          That’s a prayer I can get behind! Or perhaps better in front…yuck!

    • cessnadriver

      The most important question: did they do doggie?

      • Blank Ron

        Does make it easier to hold that aspirin between her knees.

    • Platos_Redhaired_Stepchild

      It was planned for after the shot gun wedding. It would have been a husky 12lb preemie that never spent a single day in NICU.

  • Charles Cates

    She should do some Ecstasy. It would mellow her out and any damage to her unborn could have valuable financial opportunities.

    • Greg Comlish

      MDMA would mellow her out for like two hours tops. I’m not a drug-guru but I’m thinking that she’s going to need a much greater regimen. I would start with Ayahuasca, and follow up with LSD on a bi-monthly basis. Molly-induced raves would be good, although some people try to push that too far. Obviously she’s going to need regular Marijuana to calm her ass down.

      I think the harder part would be to get her to lay off the Meth, which is clearly not doing her any good.

  • Donald E Niman

    Barstool Family Values.

    Like I said before:

    Darwin wept.

  • alwayspunkindrublic

    Be interesting to see how the new bun-in-the-oven will be marketed to increase shareholder value in the Palin Turkey Decapitation and Grift Emporium.

    • Blank Ron

      ‘Miracle Baby! This week only on the Sarah Palin Channel!’

      • nmmagyar

        Is that what happens when you use Miracle Whip instead of spermicide on your diaphragm?

  • pollosmoky

    Maybe she was paid in shoes, bc Candies are those cool slides, right? Like the ones I got in…1978, bc I was 16, and obviously VERY cool. Just like Bristol Palin!

  • madmonq

    You guys just don’t understand. It was a PLANNED disappointment.

    The fact that her ex-fiance won’t come out & say it’s his kid is the next shoe to drop. Listen for it.

  • gullywompr

    Mmmm, served cold!

    • cessnadriver

      Thank goodness that schadenfreude isn’t painful.

  • cessnadriver

    Let’s face it: this answers the question about the aborted wedding. The kid isn’t the MOH winner’s.

    Given that the mom had a penchant for the BBC, perhaps this kid is “mixed race”.

  • Bren

    She sucks at being a big sister, she sucks at telling off others (Dunham, Obama & Davis), she sucks at palling up with molesters. If she’d just carried on sucking she wouldn’t be preggers.

  • OrdinaryJoe

    Life is hard when you are 20 something and already passed your prime for being a MILF.

    Speaking of likable mothers: welcome back Trix.

    • Blank Ron

      Upfist for both sentiments!

  • glamour tornado

    Your mom didn’t “run” for vp you fukin redneck.
    McCain was running for President and he picked your mom. We didn’t pick either of them.

    • PRIME79

      “Your mom didn’t “run” for vp you fukin redneck”

      Lol!!!

  • Kilia

    Excellent article as usual, Wonkette!

  • Kilia

    Bristol is nasty and mean just like her mother.

  • BigDumbWhiteGuy

    “Life moves on no matter what. So no matter how you feel, you get up, get dressed, show up, and never give up.” Unless you’re your Mom, then you don’t do any of that.
    “When life gets tough, there is no other option but to get tougher.” Sure there is. You could always follow the sterling example set by the oxygen-thieving, attention hoor that brought you into this world and quit.

  • Guest

    She’ll attempt to spin this whole sad (unfortunate!) turn of events into an anti-abortion tour. She’ll be on Fox News any day now discussing how mean, nasty librals can’t understand and value life … and how they are attacking her because she ‘didn’t have an abortion.’ I can see it all now.

    • Unforgotten

      And they all will say that those dumb&nasty libtards will ‘paly the victim card’ in their defense.

  • BigDumbWhiteGuy

    You want privacy for you and your son? Stop airing your dirty laundry on the Internets.

  • Drew Miner

    Nice article, nicer to have you back a bit, enjoy every moment!

  • elpinche

    Bristle needs to find another way to keep that cooch warm instead of bareback dick.

  • Ironically – based on the inexplicably high number of page views and comments each of these posts generate – the only person making money off of her pregnancy this time around is Wonkette’s very own Mommyblogger-in-Chief.

    “Bristol’s baby bump”, indeed!

    • rebecca

      ALL THE MONEY!!!!!! Ayup.

  • metroid_fetish

    It’s mine. Sorry everyone.

  • Celtic_Gnome

    So, Bristol deliberately got pregnant out of wedlock to get more of that sweet, sweet welfare money?

    • Venefica

      Palin family motto: “Never Outgrifted!”

  • Dee Andee

    Pregnant & unwed for the second time (after preaching to others about abstinence), and with a potty mouth which might possibly rival mine when I’m riled up. Bristol, you’re a spoiled bratchild with a sense of entitlement that’s bigger than your mother’s word-salad capability. You planned NOTHING, dumbass.

    You’re an idiot, and a hypocrite. Your children will grow up to be embarrassed by the very sight of you. Or at least one will. It tends to be the way, in a family with at least one narcissist for a parent, that at least one of their kids turns out to be one, too. So is your Mom, so are you. Which one of yours will become your Clone of Assholery?

    You’re a disgusting role model (and yeah, you have to own that shit because that’s how you sold yourself), and a lousy human being who has never done an honest day’s work in your pathetic life. Eat it, bitch. With extra bitch sauce.

  • JParkerSD46

    Well, if Bristol sucked as much as you said, maybe she would be in the family way again. But I’m super happy to hear (today) that it was planned. Haha, Bristol, you’re a scream.

    • Drew Miner

      Allow me to translate, I speak Shuck (and Jive). What she intends to convey is that it’s been planned since all of yesterday.

  • BadKitty904

    Trashy? Check. Self-righteous? Check. Vicious? Check. Well, there’s no doubt Bristle really IS Grifterella’s daughter!

    • UnsaltedSinner

      “Trashy? Check. Self-righteous? Check. Vicious? Check.”

      Those all seem like possible names for her baby.

      So what do we think? Will it be Stick? Puck? Trick? Treat? Dopey? Moon Unit?

      • BadKitty904

        Snap? Crackle? Pop?

        • EmmettGrogan

          Wow, Bad Kitty, I always pictured you as a young, handsome 20 something. But now you’ve really shown your age with “snap, crackle pop”. I’m so disillusioned, my entire world has collapsed. Please send monies, that would help with my therapy bills.

          • BadKitty904

            lol Well, I was 25 in January, if that helps. With an obsessive interest in pop culture and a good memory.

            But I’ll also point out that Kellogg’s still uses that trio to advertise Rice Krispie’s today.

      • Steverino247

        Check!

      • AKLynne

        “Trap” works for me.

  • Ryan Denniston

    The Abortionplex has got a room.

    • elpinche

      Wanna wager? She might have mama bear’s quitter gene.

  • OneDemin EOr

    “Shitshow” describes the whole lot of the Palingrifters.

  • OneDemin EOr

    Hmmm. Hillbilly weddin’ called off, then shameful, embarrassed knock-up first announced, then defiant version of same knock-up blurted out like defensive middle-schooler. Could it be our noble serviceman never fired a shot?

    • omomma

      He’s not saying, doesn’t have to. Not his circus, he escaped…somehow…

      • Steverino247

        No, but he is bitching about misapplied media attention, which he keeps going by not answering the question everyone wants to know after Bristol announced something in order to get media attention.

        • omomma

          Really? He is bitching? Where. Haven’t seen that. He hasn’t said anything. Smart boy.

          • He apparently told off a reporter that there were much more newsworthy items in the world (like the terrorist attacks) and then said he was going fishing with his buddies this past weekend. Note that not once did he say “yeah, it’s mine” or any hints of “getting back together.” So the odds are that little miss Palin got herself caught by him banging someone else.

          • omomma

            That was all posted on his facebook, no reporter, no “interviews”.

          • Steverino247

            Some newsfeed thing I saw someplace. Can’t remember where. He starts off by citing some actual and important news events and then complains about all the attention his former fiancee stirred up by announcing something she didn’t need to announce to anybody. He says nothing about paternity and neglects to mention that the “more newworthy” events HAVE been covered by mainstream news organizations. There’s the BBC and the TMZ and each has their specialties, you know.

            Fame is a double-edged sword. You can’t complain about the negatives when you actively whore yourself out to get the positives.

          • WakeUpAmerica

            Facebook page, I think. I saw it too.

  • ibwilliamsi

    But what about the baby mini pig that Piper got from Brisket’s baby-daddy then gave away the day before this story came out?

    • Squirrels05

      Little Penelope is bacon now, I fear.

    • elpinche

      This thread is making me hungry

  • ibwilliamsi

    Still trying to figure out what the “mistake” she made that wasn’t the mistake of getting pregnant was. Thong dress?

    • brbr2424

      That’s a fashion mistake for sure. Wearing a camouflage “thong dress” to drunken brawl.

  • Steverino247

    She was voted by her senior class as “The Girl Most Likely to be Found Unconscious in a Marine Barracks.”

  • Annie Towne

    I like that collage picture you made; Mary should always be pictured with a slightly worried expression.

  • YayConspiracy

    She did the whole reverse-psychology thing on abstinence.

  • Drew Miner

    Sometimes a gal has to pull her ownself up by the Fallopian tubes and just soldier on!

  • Pugsandcoffee

    Tripp’s either going to grow up into a grade A racist asshole, or else he’s going to freakin’ HATE his mother.

    • GenuineClass

      A little from column A, a little from column B.

      • Odd Jørgensen

        But all colon.

  • JayGoldenBeach

    “I planned this pregnancy”

    By skipping birth control pills to get pregnant hoping to trap a boyfriend into marriage?! LoL

    • How’s that working out for her?

      • WakeUpAmerica

        Good name for the baby though, Trap.

        • tinker12

          Good one!

  • intlet9949

    It happens so often. The good followers of Jesus who appoint themselves to tell us how to conduct ourselves turn out to be serial molesters (Druggar) adulterers (Swaggert and a cast of thousands) Gay ( Too numerous to mention) con artist who want the congregation to give them a $65 million dollar jet (Dollar) and Catholic priest who are pedophiles.

    Bristol and Sarah are sanctimonious grifters who have a certain segment of the population mesmerized with their piety and jingoisms.

  • Lord-Nash

    “I made a mistake, but it’s not the mistake all these giddy a$$holes have loved to assume.

    This pregnancy was actually planned.”

    Ohhhhhhh, wait. I get it. You got knocked up to convince your boyfriend/guy who is really regretting his life choices now to stick around. So everyone’s an asshole for calling you a hypocrite about the abstinence. BUT in reality, your mistake was purposely getting pregnant for the wrong reasons. That, my dear, is a far worse mistake than getting pregnant at 24.

  • Lord-Nash

    Today, Rebecca blogs on her mommyblog about a mommy who said something about becoming a mommy again.

  • Paperless Tiger

    God bless you, Little Mother. Dig that Bouguereau, three Triad Claws and a Peace Sign. I reckon Boo was a freemason too.

  • Venefica

    Let’s not forget that lying liar Bristol was pregnant while on DWTS. (What the heck happened to that baby? Some folks speculate that her brother Track and his very temporary wife Britta took the child.) So this is at least her third, out-of-wedlock pregnancy. Too bad the media totally ignored the issue, at the same time continuing to post photo after photo of her enormous bump, growing and growing, while every other DWTS contestant in history LOST weight:
    http://s406.photobucket.com/user/WestCorrespondent/media/Bristol%20Palin/a708ccc3-e371-4292-818b-71b63f6a5fdf.jpg.html?sort=3&o=4
    https://4.bp.blogspot.com/-vhRPOpyGB3o/T5SFRFaXAqI/AAAAAAAACE4/PFeXLnjF8Mk/s1600/Bristol%2BDWTS.jpg
    http://s406.photobucket.com/user/WestCorrespondent/media/Bristol%20Palin/PalinBristol101124before.jpg.html?sort=3&o=29

    • Platos_Redhaired_Stepchild

      Isn’t Trigg supposed to be another sooper seeecrit Bristol babby too? Or have I got my conspiracy theories confused again?

      • Venefica

        Yeah, there are Trig Truthers who do believe Barstool gave birth to her “little brother” (months earlier than the date he was presented, however). I actually don’t think so. I think Trig is Todd Palin’s kid by one of his lady friends. For whatever reason(s), Sarah agreed to pretend the baby was hers…thereby garnering buckets of “pro-life” cred among the base, at the same time McCain was looking for a female candidate to counter the perceived Hillary threat.

  • RUexperienced

    The Palin’s are going to be capitali$ing on Bristols pregnancy.

    They may already be doing it The Sarah Palin Channel was at 1.1 million in the rankings of websites around the world.

    Today it has risen 200,000 to 880,000.

    • WakeUpAmerica

      Links?
      You have to admit, there is a lot of stupid going on in the Dumbfuckistan part of Amurika.

  • Skh5150

    I asked her if the father would be active in the baby’s life as she has spoken often about the importance of both mother and father in a child’s life. For that simple question, I am no longer allowed to comment. You would think her “fans” would care about that.

  • Carl Petersen

    Last time, I promise wonksters.

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