Oh my stars, it seems America’s most virginal born-again virgin is with child. Again:
I wanted you guys to be the first to know that I am pregnant.
Honestly, I’ve been trying my hardest to keep my chin up on this one.
At the end of the day there’s nothing I can’t do with God by my side, and I know I am fully capable of handling anything that is put in front of me with dignity and grace.
That is Bristol Palin. BRISTOL. PALIN! Last we’d heard, she was shacking up with her fiancee Dakota Meyer, but Jesus said it’s OK to bend the NO SEXYTIME WITHOUT A RING ON IT rule if you have a wedding date. But then they did not have a wedding date no more neither, and now Bristol Palin is single again, so how is this even possible?
Also too, reality TV fame whore Bristol Palin has asked us to leave her alone about all this, and not point out what a hypocritical dumb asshole she is for getting knocked up out of wedlock, again:
I know this has been, and will be, a huge disappointment to my family, to my close friends, and to many of you.
But please respect Tripp’s and my privacy during this time. I do not want any lectures and I do not want any sympathy.
And sure, that is fair. After all, Bristol has never asked America to please pretty please pay all the attention to her, for years and years, twirling about on the television screen and “writing” her “blog” and lecturing President Obama about how kids need a “mother/father home,” so Just Say No to gay marriage, like the Bible says! But she doesn’t want us to give her any lectures or show her any sympathy, so we won’t do that. We will just fondly remember when she swore to God and Oprah that she was never going to have unmarried sex again!
Winfrey told Bristol she “kind of bristled” when she learned the teen recently told In Touch magazine, “I’m not going to have sex until I’m married. I can guarantee it” and wondered if such a promise was “realistic.” […]
“I’m just wondering if that’s a realistic goal,” said Winfrey.
“It’s a realistic goal for myself,” replied Bristol.
Oh, and then there was that other time, when she made a god-fucking-awful ad, with MTV reality show star Mike “The Situation” Sorrentino, to tell other girls to save their sex parts for marriage, just like she did and will again and again and again!
“I know you’re all about that abstinence thing, but come on, B-Palin, are you serious? You’re not gonna hook up before you’re married? For real?”
But we wouldn’t want to make Bristol Palin feel bad about somehow mysteriously ending up pregnant, again, and not married, again, even though she and her whole family have made lots of money telling us how wrong that is. So no lectures here, Bristol. Just some well wishes with your pregnancy; we hear it can be tough. Oh, and when you get around to it, you might want to eventually learn how babby is formed, and then stop lecturing everyone else in America about how they should be pure NO HOMO virgins, just like you.