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Molotov again, Bristol!

Oh my stars, it seems America’s most virginal born-again virgin is with child. Again:

I wanted you guys to be the first to know that I am pregnant.

Honestly, I’ve been trying my hardest to keep my chin up on this one.

At the end of the day there’s nothing I can’t do with God by my side, and I know I am fully capable of handling anything that is put in front of me with dignity and grace.

That is Bristol Palin. BRISTOL. PALIN! Last we’d heard, she was shacking up with her fiancee Dakota Meyer, but Jesus said it’s OK to bend the NO SEXYTIME WITHOUT A RING ON IT rule if you have a wedding date. But then they did not have a wedding date no more neither, and now Bristol Palin is single again, so how is this even possible?

Also too, reality TV fame whore Bristol Palin has asked us to leave her alone about all this, and not point out what a hypocritical dumb asshole she is for getting knocked up out of wedlock, again:

I know this has been, and will be, a huge disappointment to my family, to my close friends, and to many of you.

But please respect Tripp’s and my privacy during this time. I do not want any lectures and I do not want any sympathy.

And sure, that is fair. After all, Bristol has never asked America to please pretty please pay all the attention to her, for years and years, twirling about on the television screen and “writing” her “blog” and lecturing President Obama about how kids need a “mother/father home,” so Just Say No to gay marriage, like the Bible says! But she doesn’t want us to give her any lectures or show her any sympathy, so we won’t do that. We will just fondly remember when she swore to God and Oprah that she was never going to have unmarried sex again!

Winfrey told Bristol she “kind of bristled” when she learned the teen recently told In Touch magazine, “I’m not going to have sex until I’m married. I can guarantee it” and wondered if such a promise was “realistic.” […]

“I’m just wondering if that’s a realistic goal,” said Winfrey.

“It’s a realistic goal for myself,” replied Bristol.

Oh, and then there was that other time, when she made a god-fucking-awful ad, with MTV reality show star Mike “The Situation” Sorrentino, to tell other girls to save their sex parts for marriage, just like she did and will again and again and again!

“I know you’re all about that abstinence thing, but come on, B-Palin, are you serious? You’re not gonna hook up before you’re married? For real?”

“For real.”

But we wouldn’t want to make Bristol Palin feel bad about somehow mysteriously ending up pregnant, again, and not married, again, even though she and her whole family have made lots of money telling us how wrong that is. So no lectures here, Bristol. Just some well wishes with your pregnancy; we hear it can be tough. Oh, and when you get around to it, you might want to eventually learn how babby is formed, and then stop lecturing everyone else in America about how they should be pure NO HOMO virgins, just like you.

[Bristol Palin’s “blog”]

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  • Malmborg Implano

    Is this the real reason why Fox canned Sarah?

    • NationalGalleryofClipArt

      Quite the opposite. By stoking libtard animus, Bristol makes her mom a heroic figure, enduring the unfair & hypocritical taunts of the Left, & for that she’s employable at FOX.

      • Axomamma

        How are any of the “taunts” “unfair” or “hypocritical”? I’m just not seeing it.

    • RUexperienced

      Canned?

      She should have been caned!

  • RUexperienced

    Too bad she didn’t listen to her mom’s abstinence message- “The man can’t ride ya unless your back is bent”

  • SK

    Abstinence works!

    • nmmagyar

      So does anal

      • beatbort

        Especially if you keep your chin up!

    • OneYieldRegular

      ~o/”Abstinence will happen, we only hit and run….”

      • jesuswasablack

        I don’t want to hear it I know what I’ve done:(

        • Msgr_Moment

          Don’t tell me you don’t know what love is
          When you’re old enough to know better
          When you find strange hands in your sweater
          When your dreamboat turns out to be a footnote
          I’m a man with a mission in two or three editions

  • Rick Hill

    I don’t want to try to hurt her feelings. I do want to line up every asshat who bought her line of shit and paid her too.

  • Blackest Noobs

    eh…she could shake things up…she could get an abortion.

    • Tallmutha

      And then land a juicy contract with National Right to Life as an anti-abortion spokeswoman.

      • Blackest Noobs

        she would make so much bank….Palins love one thing…Greed.

  • Steverino247

    “Sympathy.” It’s in the dictionary between “Shit” and “Syphilis.”

  • anniegetyerfun

    Oh, child. Mazel tov.

    • Herasmus B. Lyon

      Didn’t you mean Molotov?

      • anniegetyerfun

        I really do feel bad for her kids, who are going to have access to the internet as teenagers and will probably come across conversations like this regarding their birth announcements. I mean, it’s bad enough tat they have to deal with the craziness that is that family.

        It makes me cringe.

        • Gleem-McShinez

          Born as a Palin is bad enough, but born as a punchline? That poor lil babby.

          • JennOfArk

            Wait a minute – that was redundant.

        • nothingisamiss

          Annie, you and LimeyLizzie (I saw on twitter) are so much better people than I am. I feel your compassion, I do, and hate that this child is going to enter into such a shitstorm. But I think of all the “BABY KILLER” shouters they support and all the “YOU’RE A HOMOSEXUAL AREN”T YOU?” words they’ve said and….I don’t see a tiny iota of grace, or understanding, or empathy in them. I may come around to not-schadenfraude, but will she stop calling people faggots? Will she admit to understanding why some women choose abortion? That these women, as well, are fully entitled to no lectures and much understanding? Does she realize that women who fight for reproductive health love their children and other people’s children?
          I want very much to say “mazel tov” along with you, but I am not there yet.
          Glad you posted, mama.

          • anniegetyerfun

            Oh, I am with you that she’s said some terrible things and is truly a piece of work. And I agree with everything you said. But I sincerely feel for the kids who are (1) born into that ridiculous family and (2) will eventually read all the sordid details of their own conceptions along with the rest of the world. And I thought we had a policy on Wonkette about always mazeling the tov?

          • HogeyeGrex

            And 3) will read that the first thing their mama said about them equates to “Shit. Knocked up agin!”

            Why would one get sympathy or lectures or be trying to keep one’s chin up because of anything other than something bad happening? Blessed event, indeed.

            Yeah, I feel sorry for the kid, but every adult in or involved with this wreck of a clan gets no quarter here. I sincerely hope that the child rises above its parentage and becomes a wonderful person. The hypocritical sacks of bigotry surrounding the poor thing, however, can go pound sand. But sure, mazel tov, and hopes for a normal and uncomplicated pregnancy for Miss Palin. Hopefully she’ll come to see the child as something other than an albatross shaped millstone to further hang her perpetual victimhood on.

          • HogeyeGrex

            And 3) will read that the first thing their mama said about them equates to “Shit. Knocked up agin!”

            Why would one get sympathy or lectures or be trying to keep one’s chin up because of anything other than something bad happening? Blessed event, indeed.

            Yeah, I feel sorry for the kid, but every adult in or involved with this wreck of a clan gets no quarter here. I sincerely hope that the child rises above its parentage and becomes a wonderful person. The hypocritical sacks of bigotry surrounding the poor thing, however, can go pound sand. But sure, mazel tov, and hopes for a normal and uncomplicated pregnancy for Miss Palin. Hopefully she’ll come to see the child as something other than an albatross shaped millstone to further hang her perpetual victimhood on.

      • PubOption

        I think she prefers wine coolers to cocktails.

  • orygoon

    So one of America’s more famous sluts is preggers. You could knock me over with a bulldozer on this one.

    • Dimitrios M.

      Or Miley Cyrus’ wrecking ball.

  • crunchyknee

    Sometimes “abstinence only” buttsecks gets out of hand and before you know it: penis in vagina!

    • Rick Hill

      I thought that was supposed to work the other way around….pfftt. Damn kids, anyway. Can’t even do the sexing up correctly

  • memzilla

    “I know I am fully capable of handling anything that is put in front of me with dignity and grace.”

    Except temptation.

    • jmk

      Or differences of opinion…

    • RUexperienced

      Pregnancy aside….

      I see that Bristol has the same poor comprehension of the English language.

      Were things things really “put in front of you with dignity and grace”? (see definition of misplaced modifier)

      • Steverino247

        Misplaced condoms were more likely the problem.

        • talktothe hand

          Boom!

    • Rick Hill

      And ridicule.

    • GunToting[Redacted]

      “assuming that thing is a penis.”

    • malsperanza

      Or a can of beer.

    • Rick Gardner

      the last things on her mind were dignity and grace while she was getting boned …

    • RyanInMissouri

      Bristol Palin is calling to mind the Oscar Wilde gem, “I can resist anything but temptation.” And now I’m marveling at the phenomena of Bristol Palin and Oscar Wilde in the same sentence!

  • Not So Much

    As ‘Merica’s foremostest expert on Abstinence Only Sex Ed, I feel like she may be ‘bad at her job’.

    • Dimitrios M.

      One could even say she fucked up.

      • Duckbudder

        Screwed the pooch, so to speak.

        • Blank Ron

          If she had she wouldn’t be preggers. I’m pretty sure.

      • bikerlaureate

        Her fucking down is uppossible.

        • Dimitrios M.

          Bristol has an up and down,
          Which does her little harm.
          Her in and out, however,
          Causes babbies, and alarm.

    • HogeyeGrex

      Which makes her a shoo in for a Cabinet post in the next Republican administration.

  • SK

    When will Jeb! fulfill his campaign promise and shame her?

  • Blackest Noobs

    but honestly who didn’t think Bristol was gonna get knocked up again, and before marriage and all that jazz?

    I mean come on, she’s the daughter of the tough as nails Alaskan Governor Sarah Palin..so freaking sweet tough that she, in the mist of corruption, quit her job half way through it.

    Bristol with another bun in the oven was likely like George Zimmerman getting in trouble with the law….AGAIN.

  • JohnR

    She sure gets a lot of D for an abstinence only lecturer, just don.t lecture her.

    • memzilla

      Dollars?

      • Steverino247

        Dick.

      • Tallmutha

        That’s right. Sweet, sweet….. dollars.

    • beatbort

      Do we know this is Dakota’s babby? Or perhaps it’s Idaho’s. Or Montana’s. Or Nebraska’s. Or Arizona’s. Or Iowa’s. etc.

      • Bill Slider

        Or, wait for it, AOTK

      • leemoder

        Co onnn Florida!

      • Msgr_Moment

        Is the father from one of the mountin’ states?
        Idaho. Alaska.

        Thank you, thank you. Do try the veal.

      • JennOfArk

        Maybe someone else’s. Would explain the cancelled wedding.

        • HogeyeGrex

          “Dakota, honey? I’m pregnant.”
          “But we never had sex!”
          “Yeah. About that…”

      • Blank Ron

        Indiana wants her.

  • Steverino247

    Well, now we know why a certain wedding was called off.

    Maury Povich will be long retired before the list of potential fathers is tested.

    • NationalGalleryofClipArt

      I bet it’s Levi.

      She just can’t quit him.

      • Steverino247

        It could be the Arctic Wolves at Ft. Wainwright. (Yes, the entire Brigade.)

      • Drew Miner

        Levi was/is ?!? a fur real national treasure, no matter what them congresscritters say, he always has his freak flag fly!

      • BadKitty904

        Brokevows Mountain, now playing at…

  • proudgrampa

    Two words she seems to have never heard: Birth Control.

    • JohnR

      You mean abortion pills? Abstinence only kids are taught condoms don’t work, birth control pills and IUDs cause spontaneous abortion.

    • beatbort

      It’s like one of those Fulsome books: Everything I Learned in Life I Learned from the Duggars.

    • leemoder

      Or “get bent”.

  • RUexperienced

    Bristol Palin doesn’t want any lectures….. since she never lectures anyone else. /s

  • I say CON you say DOM:

    CON!

    • Steverino247

      DOM!

      • coozledad

        PERIGNON!

      • memzilla

        INATRIX!

      • elviouslyqueer

        DELUISE!

      • leemoder

        …DOM-DOM-DOM–DOMMMMMM!

      • BadKitty904

        INO!

    • Not So Much

      Dumb!

    • memzilla

      DUM!

    • jmk

      Ahhh! Dom de Dom Dom!

    • Gleem-McShinez

      ARTISTS!

    • HogeyeGrex

      GRESS!

    • arglebargle

      AIR!

      (I’ll save you the trouble, Nicolas Cage Libelz)

  • MOG253

    Perhaps a sex-ed class? Oh no, that’s right it would cause her to have the sexy time.

  • Carol Morency

    Wait…Bris, honey, is this really the best way to announce the soon-to-be existence of your next child. “We’re all disappointed?” You’ve just proved why sometimes abortion is the humane and loving option. Dumbass.

    • Steverino247

      A woman I know announced in an e-mail that “shit happens.”

      • jmk

        As The Donald would say… classy.

        • Steverino247

          I kept the e-mail, but the kid’s cute and she fucked up that marriage, too, so it will stay hidden.

        • Dimitrios M.

          The Donald just lost a Mexico simulcast for his Miss America Contest due to flapping his lips about Messicans. He’ll probably watch what he says, from now on.

          What the hell am I saying? Of course he won’t!

          • BJW

            Trump has constant diarrhea of the mouth so he will never watch what he says.

          • malsperanza

            Alternatively, he is suing. Of course.

      • BackDoorMan

        … which certainly describes a Palin pregnancy perfectly.

    • Toomush_Infer

      Just prepping for Go Fund ME…

    • Biff52

      They can’t possibly be more disappointed than the poor innocent babby.

  • Me not sure

    No sympathy. Check.
    No lectures. Who the fuck cares?

  • dslindc

    Once again the Palins are literally holocausting good, bible-fearing Christians everywhere! Thanks, Obama!

  • beatbort

    Great parenting, Sarah and Todd!
    This isn’t a lecture, though. Just stating a fact: You are some seriously fucked up parents.

    • Beowoof14

      Isn’t Todd busy banging Shailey Tripp?

    • BadKitty904

      Srsly. Those kids would’ve turned out better it they’d been raised by ice-weasels.

  • Rocky

    “Honestly, I’ve been trying my hardest to keep my chin up”

    Try keeping your legs crossed

    • BadKitty904

      Dang. You beat me to it, Rocky!

    • Rick Hill

      With some aspirin, just to be sure

    • HogeyeGrex

      Or just wrap that damned thing.

  • Tallmutha

    I wouldn’t want her to think people were making fun of her for being a hypocrite, or her mother for being a train wreck.

    (looks around, hums little tune.) doot-de-doot-de-dooo…

    What? Why are you looking at me like that?

  • Beowoof14

    Abstinence only the best know fertility method out there.

    Bristol, give a BJ every now and again and you wouldn’t have so many kids.

    • Rick Hill

      Isn’t swallowing a form of BC?

      • Spork

        Isn’t that how babies happen? I honestly don’t know because Bristol will only tell me about abstinence.

      • Toomush_Infer

        Every sperm is sacred…

      • BackDoorMan

        … no, that’s spermicide.

  • SheriffRoscoe

    Bristol, cheer up honey, you may have bitterly disappointed your mom, your dad, and anyone else remotely related to a person going by the name of Palin, but sweetie you haven’t disappointed me.

    • BadKitty904

      She def. gets a gold star for consistency.

    • anniegetyerfun

      This is actually turning out to be a great week.

  • elviouslyqueer

    Dear Bristol:

    Thank you for your interest in becoming part of our “19 Kids and Counting” family. Unfortunately, our quiver is quite full enough without bringing any more unnecessary drama to our cozy little set-up.

    No love,

    Michelle and JimBob

    PS, Josh says hello, and hopes he gets a special invite to the blessed event.

    • memzilla

      EW!

  • BMW

    At this point I’m more interested in how all her self-imposed guilt and recognition that parenting is tough fits into the “Children are a blessing!/Why do liberals hate babies?” narrative.

    • glennisw

      Yeah, that kid’s got a hard road ahead of him.

      • Beaumarchais?

        Well, a heavily-callused birth canal, for starters.

  • FauxAntocles

    Perhaps we should be looking for a new star in the West.

  • say wha

    Name The New Palin Babby Contest!!!!!

    • Steverino247

      Bastard.

      • coozledad

        Splat.

        • Steverino247

          More like “SPURT!”

      • elviouslyqueer

        Too soon!

        Oh, wait.

        • glasspusher

          Leave the breeders alone! *sobs*

      • Gleem-McShinez

        Cool Game of Thrones tie-in, Bristol!

    • beatbort

      Putin Palin!

    • BMW

      Lunchbox.
      Garden Knome.
      Long Division.

    • AntiDerpomeme

      Applesauce! Or Jiggery Pokery.

      • Gleem-McShinez

        Jiggery Pokery Palin.

        ANTONIN?! YOU GOT SOME SPLAININ TO DO!!

    • BadKitty904

      Naylen.

    • Charles Cates

      Whoops Palin?

    • orygoon

      (No)Trojan

      • coozledad

        Stroke

    • leemoder

      Doorstop

    • elviouslyqueer

      Scalia.

    • anniegetyerfun

      Gipper

    • elviouslyqueer

      Pull-Out

    • Drew Miner

      Nordle
      or
      Sleepy

    • jmk

      Tappy…

      or Kegger.

    • JohnR

      FARTKNOCKER OF COURSE.

      • Steverino247

        WINNER!

    • BadKitty904

      Vigo the Carpathian.

    • Toomush_Infer

      Oops…

    • Gleem-McShinez

      Abby Stinance Palin

      • Steverino247

        Abby Normal

        • Gleem-McShinez

          Abby Ortion?

    • jviscont1

      Rupert Fox Palin (mom needs a job)

    • BadKitty904

      Ishmael.

      • Steverino247

        Thus implying a moby dick was involved.

        • Gleem-McShinez

          Where all the White Whales at?

      • Riley Whodat Venable

        I see what you did.

    • deanbooth

      Al

    • deanbooth

      Huge Disappointment Palin

      • Vecciojohn

        You win.

      • Duckbudder

        Burden

    • crunchyknee

      Ayn.

    • FlownOver

      Barack. Least likely, but most fun.

    • Riley Whodat Venable

      Whiskey Tango

    • Gristle McThornbody

      Dirigible, Snowshoe, Tangent, Geometry, or Spoor if it’s a boy.
      Kumquat, Hortense, Spackle, Milkshake, or Bohemian Rhapsody if it’s a girl.

      Or, all of them if it’s a litter.

    • Querolous

      Well, since the first kid is named Tripp the next should be Stumble. Or Acid.

      • Duckbudder

        D. T.

      • richardgrabman

        I’m still partial to Rebar.

    • malsperanza

      Barf

    • arglebargle

      Well since Trig is taken, obvs Calc. Can’t use Al cuz then poor Lindsey wouldn’t be able to say hello to the little bundle of joy.

    • Billy Rubin

      D’oh!

  • Politics_Nerd

    My wife’s best friend’s twin sister is a massively drunken and wanton whore (while drunk, which is most of the time) but catch her sober, on one of her atonement (for lack of a better term) days, she is the most obnoxious bible-thumping moralizing hypocrite idiot you can imagine. And a GOP faithful, of course.

    • Gorillionaire

      Doughy douchbag frat boys have to get laid somehow.

    • Politics_Nerd

      Oh, and the friend has five kids from five different fathers. Married one of them at one point (and quickly divorced him) but that was like three kids ago.

  • Left Coast Tom

    So, how much money is Barstool getting for being an Abstinence Spokesmodel?

    • HogeyeGrex

      Somewhat less once the bump sprouts. Unless, of course, “object lesson” is her new job description.

  • Gorillionaire

    I am already feeling sorry for her children 10 or 15 years in the future.

    • orygoon

      All six or eight of them.

  • Chick_Tract_Fil_A

    Chin up. Haha, Fellatio Libelz.

    • Toomush_Infer

      Fellatio! That’s it – nice name pick!…

      • Zyxomma

        Sounds too Eye-talian.

  • Drew Miner

    I’m pretty sure this is how the babbys are maded…

  • BadKitty904

    Pro tip, Bristol: instead of trying to keep your chin up, try keeping your legs closed.

    • JohnR

      They don’t teach the aspirin method in Alaska.

  • Beowoof14

    Hey she has all that Dancing money to get a nice trailer and live the good life.

  • georgiaburning

    If she went in with her chin this wouldn’t have happened

  • Steverino247

    I thought her chin was remodeled?

  • BadKitty904

    I do not want any lectures and I do not want any sympathy. I do, however, want cash.

    • JohnR

      Thing is she’ll probably get it, cash that is she already got the D.

  • dslindc

    Must have run out of aspirin to place between her knees . . . Tsk, tsk!

    • anniegetyerfun

      Thanks, Obamacare.

  • Charles Cates

    Maybe that nice Duggar boy could make an honest woman out of here.

    • House0fTheBlueLights

      The nice one is married. But there’s still the gay one.

      • Jerry Noneofyourbizz

        ONE?

  • Latverian Diplomat

    Oh Bristol, if you are going to be a hypocrite, at least be good at it. Lying about being abstinence doesn’t mean you can’t be on the pill and lie about that too. (*)

    (*) Given your “single” status, chances are you should be be using condoms in addition also too.

  • orygoon

    “Twice knocked up out of wedlock and counting”. Or “A quiverful of un-daddied surprises”? I’m sure there’s a reality teevee show in this somehow.

    • Vienna Woods

      Twice?

  • OHvoter83

    OOH, is this the big announcement Sarah has been gearing up for?

    • Blank Ron

      Guess we’ll find out some time this fall.

  • Greg Fuderer

    don’t worry too much about the sympathy part

  • Chick_Tract_Fil_A

    Great Fucking Zod, what’s wrong with those people? Your Ma’s body isn’t even cold yet at Fox and here you are spilling all this like some gossipy schoolchild.

  • beatbort

    The future CEO of Palin Grift, LLC.

  • Joseph

    Is it possible to start a fund me page to supply Brsitol with prophylactics. I doubt she will stop having sex and so she will continue to have babies and, Jesus, how many more can the earth handle. Everytime she ovulates the IQ of humans on earth drops a point in anticipation.

    • JohnR

      Birth control is a SIN

      • Joseph

        I feel confidant that for Palin and the Duggers We can get a dispensation and probably a sigh of relief.

        • leemoder

          Nuke ’em from orbit. Only way to be sure.

        • Duckbudder

          At groupe rates

  • Dimitrios M.

    Oh my fucking oath! Does Bristol mean to tell us that she fornicated with some person of the male persuasion while she had God by her side? Isn’t that kind of kinky?

    • HairyEyedWordBombThrower

      God’s with *everyone*, so every sexytime is a menage a quatre (God shows up twice)

      • BJW

        Three times, Father, son Jesus and Holy Ghost!

        • Duckbudder

          Yep, Big Daddy, Jr., and the Spook.

  • yellowdoggie

    “I know I am fully capable of handling anything that is put in front of me with dignity and grace.” Well, there’s a first time for everything. Good luck with that, Bristol.

    • jviscont1

      there is a wine cooler exemption in the fine print.

    • HogeyeGrex

      Capable is one thing. Likely is another entirely.

  • Greg Fuderer

    i’m guessing dakota is already writing out the child support check?

    • glennisw

      I’m guessing that’s why he took off. It ain’t his.

      • Steverino247

        Sudden cancellations of weddings are usually caused by sudden discoveries.

      • Keith Gargus

        I think it is a big assumption that it is.

    • HairyEyedWordBombThrower

      I’m doing like Dakota, waiting on the paternity test.

  • coozledad

    And McCain cries.
    Cause if there’s one thing that’d a helped him win
    it’s a sprog dropper droppin’ em agin and agin
    like a virgin.

    • whotookmymittens?

      Sprog is a good name for the lil’ thing!

  • RUexperienced

    I though she should have learned that wine coolers are not a substitute for birth control.

    • Suttree

      It could have been if she had shared a few of the fifty-five gallon drums full of Boone’s Farm with (insert brand name/random snowmobile part named guy here).

      • Duckbudder

        Drive Belt

        • Suttree

          Captain Polaris Clutch Spring III

          • Blank Ron

            Of the Buffalo Soapstone Clutch-Springs?

  • JMPesq

    You know, Bristol, despite the best efforts of a truly evil group of vile people, that includes your mom, you actually don’t have to have a baby just because you’re pregnant.

    • Steverino247

      I’m guessing she’s too far along and things are becoming noticeable. Thus, the announcement.

  • Debora Elizabeth Hill

    “I do not want any lectures and I do not want any sympathy”. But I wish I had a brain…

    • Steverino247

      The Wizard knocked her up?

      • addison_da_wit

        Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain!

        • Toomush_Infer

          I heard it was the little man in the boat…

          • Zippy

            with no raincoat

        • HairyEyedWordBombThrower

          if he’d stayed there, this wouldnae have happened.

      • HairyEyedWordBombThrower

        the wizard “…sure plays a mean pin ball…”

      • HogeyeGrex

        ♫♪”If I only had the pill…”♪♫

  • Capt.Jim

    Why fuck me a running or in a tent over wine coolers b ut what I really want to know is when runt cunt is going to have to give back all the have no sexy time money she has been given

    • Serolf Divad

      Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha…

      …er…no, never.

  • AntiDerpomeme

    Oh goodie! A new playmate for Donna Rose!

    • docterry6973

      Hit the phone, Trix, and schedule that play date.

  • OneYieldRegular

    I can’t help but feel a bit sorry for Ms. Palin, stuck between a healthy libido and a mother that would have made Freud weep.

    But unlike most single moms, Bristol Palin has very little reason to complain or worry. She and her family are financially comfortable, having made millions from, among other things, scolding other people about their sex lives. I suppose it’s too much to expect that they’ll stop that now.

    • Squirrels05

      And Dakota might want to see his child.

      • vivian

        Might not be his, hence scuttling the nuptials.

        • Squirrels05

          Oh, I suspect it had to do with Dakota’s first marriage, and his unresolved PTSD.

          Plus, her mom kept eye fucking her fiancé. Creepy.

      • Keith Gargus

        You’re making two assumptions here.

  • memzilla

    Let’s see… about the only original usused grift I can think of is…

    THE NAME BRISTOL’S CHILD CONTEST!
    Rules: has to non-gender-specific.

    What are some good contenders, do you think: Crank? Bartles? Jaymes? Zima?

    • JohnR

      Lug Nut Palin

      • Toomush_Infer

        Two Dogs Fucking Palin?…

        • Jerry Noneofyourbizz

          That is one of my all time favourite jokes!

    • orygoon

      Tripp–and Stumbble? Ffall?

    • BadKitty904

      Moocher?

    • CalvinianChoice

      Stars n Bars

    • Alex Hildebrandt

      Jaeger

    • leemoder

      Exxon. For the sponsorship $.

      • HairyEyedWordBombThrower

        DRILL, BABY, DRILL….amirite? ;-)

      • Gleem-McShinez

        Big Gulp Palin.
        For sponsorship,
        and “how I could have avoided this” also too

      • richardgrabman

        Waffle Fries Palin.

    • Zippy

      DoasIsaynotasIdo Palin?

    • SnarkOff

      Easy: Jesus Palin.

      • richardgrabman

        The father is Mexican?????

    • Dimitrios M.

      Official #1: Tripp
      So, official #2: Pullover

      • HairyEyedWordBombThrower

        unofficial #2: FallWithLegsOpen

    • whotookmymittens?

      Thugg

    • Gleem-McShinez

      Chinup Palin

    • richardgrabman

      Trapp? Tramp? TRUMP!!!!

  • Toomush_Infer

    She wasn’t there – it just happened….

  • Serolf Divad

    Should have waited till tomorrow… then she could have blamed the Supreme Court’s gay marriage ruling for making her preggers.

  • Bill Slider

    Two Kids and Counting, on TLC, this Fall.

    • Blank Ron

      Not so much ‘quiverful’ as ‘pocketful.’

  • Sean

    Two Baby Daddies and Counting – next on TLC.

  • Biff52

    I know I am fully capable of handling anything that is put in front of me with dignity and grace.

    PENIS!

    • deanbooth

      Dignity and Grace are her cousins.

      • Vecciojohn

        Shirley, Goodness and Mercy will follow them.

  • The Sandman

    I do believe that Bristol do like her the bone… Ah…so young and three kids already.

    • Beaumarchais?

      …that we know of.

    • House0fTheBlueLights

      iswydt

  • Spotts1701

    “Hey, whoa! Don’t be pinning this on me!” – God

    • anniegetyerfun

      “Ok, I did that once, and I am not sure that I liked how it turned out!”

  • JohnR

    Who ran the pool on this?

    • Gleem-McShinez

      Babby come from pool, not from toilet seat??

  • ArgieBargie

    No snark. I truly feel bad…for her kids.

    Fuck* this vapid, sanctimonious, hypocritical womanchilld.

    *not literally, or she may end up preggers again.

    • Squirrels05

      Me, too.

  • ca_rickf

    “At the end of the day there’s nothing I can’t do with God by my side, and I know I am fully capable of handling anything that is put in front of me with dignity and grace.”
    – Bristol Palin

    Bristol goes on to say: “Indeed, I can handle ANYTHING. But you gotta bring it closer to my lips, and it’s gotta be big.”

  • Steverino247

    You know who ELSE loved the cock?

    • Lady Bug

      Me?!

      • Steverino247

        “Lady” Bug?

    • anniegetyerfun

      Easily 62% of Wonketteers?

      • Toomush_Infer

        Are you counting me?…’cause YES….

    • Chick-fil-a?

    • Iron Monkey

      Henny Penny?

    • Treg Brown

      That whore Treg Brown?

    • Anarchy Pony

      Aot,k?

    • sw19womble

      The hen?

    • Suttree

      Julia Child?

      • SnarkOff

        …au vin.

        • Suttree

          Two great tastes that taste great together!

    • SnarkOff

      Fair Pertelote, wife of Chanticleer?

      • BadKitty904

        “Teehee,” quod she, and clapte the windowe to!

    • JoeChristmas

      Gun nuts?

    • Biff52

      The hens?

      DAMN IT!

    • HogeyeGrex

      Are we counting our own?

      • Steverino247

        Sure, what the hell.

  • glennisw

    What a sad, bizarre way to announce your pregnancy. This poor kid’s entrance into the world is being heralded as a “huge disappointment” and something “tough” that she has to endure. Better start a fund for the future shrink bills.
    As long as she was going to make a public statement, why didn’t she just say it’s a happy event, the baby is wanted, she’s overjoyed, her family is delighted – and have done with that? Why deliberately go public to wallow in shame?
    At least she’s got enough financial support.

    • jmk

      Because she’s got to save the grift – if she was happy about yet another non-Jesus-sanctioned babby, what message would that send to the marks she soaks for abstinence lecture fees?

    • Lady Bug

      I think I’ve seen more uplifting messages when people announce they have cancer.

      • Steverino247

        No shit!

      • sw19womble

        Well, it is an unwanted growth. :/

    • anniegetyerfun

      Maybe she will give the poor thing up for adoption? Ugh.

      • Biff52

        Palins don’t give anything away, ever.

    • Dimitrios M.

      Why should Brisket Palin feel shame? It wasn’t her fault. She was raped by an Incubus?

      In nine months the Palin Grifting Company will get professional help. Not the kind of professional help they need, but professional help, nonetheless.

    • Zyxomma

      Have you seen this? http://webcenter11.com/story/fairbanks-man-pleads-out-sexual-abuse-case Things are a little strange in AK.

  • Squirrels05

    I kinda feel sorry for Bristol.

    Maybe college would have been a better idea, not reality TV shows.

    • Steverino247

      Nah, she would have tried to beat her mom’s record of five.

      • Squirrels05

        Still.

        She is a young woman, and regardless of her winger hectoring, I wish better for the kid.

        • glasspusher

          Let’s hope they’re both OK in 20 years.

          • Steverino247

            If there’s still money in an exclusive People Magazine story about Bristol Palin and her X children, you’ll know for sure.

        • Steverino247

          I think we all know how this is going to turn out. And yes, it is sad.

          • Dimitrios M.

            “19 Kids and Still No Husband in Sight” Friday nights at 8:00 PM on TLC.

  • Ryan Denniston

    Having her cake and eating it too. Color me surprised. I just wanna know, who’s the babby daddy?

    • jmk

      My money is on not Dakota.

      • Rick Hill

        Should find out fast, if that’s the case. He doesn’t look like the type to do the “noble” thing.

        • Dimitrios M.

          Neither does Bristol, check her for firearms.

    • Rick Hill

      Well, they did have that big shindig instead of a wedding. Maybe it’s just a Merry baby.

    • netanil

      Could be anyone with a dick in the lower 48 or Alaska. But probably Junker or maybe even Meyer.

      • Dimitrios M.

        Thanks for leaving out Canada.

  • House0fTheBlueLights

    Fuck her. Literally.

    • Bren

      Plenty have.

    • Steverino247

      Not with a stolen dick.

  • FeloniousMonk

    It sounds like this birth will be a truly joyous occasion. What mother-to-be hasn’t announced to the world “oh god I’m knocked up but I can survive this trial”? Pity the child.

    • Squirrels05

      Wait until she reveals who the father is.

      She won’t have a choice, now.

      • BadKitty904

        My money’s on “Cthulhu”.

        • Blank Ron

          Iä!

          • BadKitty904

            Fhtagn!!!

          • Blank Ron

            Gesundheit!

  • glasspusher

    A wiser man than me one said “That’s why the nuns always told me to practice pulling out, even when you didn’t want to”

  • Lady Bug

    So, I’m assuming that from now on the Palins will just keep their mouths shut on what they perceive to be the immoral practices of other people’s sex lives? No?

    • Squirrels05

      Of course not!

      Perhaps Bristol can do some condom commercials.

      • sw19womble

        Someone will have to show her what one actually looks like first.

        • Blank Ron

          ‘Oh, you mean those things my friends smuggle heroin in!’

    • Sam Hain

      Sinner, sinner ,chicken dinner:

      “In your book, you described premarital sex as a sin. Do you worry that by calling it a sin, it might distract non-Christians?

      (Bristol):You know, it might, but for me I do think of it as a
      sin. And, if that distracts other readers then I’m sorry, but that’s
      what I believe.”

      http://www.christianitytoday.com/ct/2011/julyweb-only/bristolpalinabstinence.html

  • geoffalnutt

    Hail Mary, full of grace! Hail Bristol, full of it.

    • Dimitrios M.

      Hail Mary, full of grace! Hail Bristol, full of spunk.

      FIFY

  • glasspusher

    How will this affect her next appearance on “Dancing with the Stars”?

    • BadKitty904

      GLASS!!! Is that *Y*O*U*?!?1? SQUEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE…!!!!!

      • glasspusher

        Ahoy, Kitty!

        • BadKitty904

          Who’s a PRETTY kitty, then?! Yesss, WHO is?!?!

          How’s by you, Mr. Entrepreneur? How’s Lady Glass and Kid Glass?

          • glasspusher

            Oh my FSM, Kitty. I’ll have to email you privately. Things are going great guns…

          • BadKitty904

            Well, spill the tea, boyo!

    • Beaumarchais?

      Easy. She uses a net.

  • Next Fartknocker Report: “Well golly gee-wilikers, dontchaknow, it’s dat der OBAMA’s fault, ya betcha!”

    • Squirrels05

      Nah.

      Palin is prepping her new death panels lecture.

    • HairyEyedWordBombThrower

      followed by, “…and we’re gonna hit him up for child support…”

  • this would have been an excellent opportunity for a blingee

    • SnarkOff

      Isn’t everything?

    • Beaumarchais?

      I imagine the Wonkette staff is exhausted at this point. Or at least flaccid.

    • HairyEyedWordBombThrower

      looked it up. AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHhhhh, my *eyes*!!!

  • netanil

    Bristol thinks ‘abstinence’ means no more wine coolers. Which is fine, she went cold turkey. Congrats.

    But no one told her that abstinence actually means keeping a man with a raging hard cock out of her very own pussy. It’s little minor details like that that keep getting her into trouble.

    • Squirrels05

      Seems Bristol did not bother with contraceptive, seeing as she was determined never to have unmarried sex again.

      • HairyEyedWordBombThrower

        there’s a scientific term for people who try to practice abstinence or the rhythm method: PARENTS (Note: I stole this, don’t remember where from….)

        • James Christopher Owen

          It’s an old Catholic joke, I believe.

    • Zippy

      cold turkey baster, perhaps

    • leemoder

      I’m betting she went Wild Turkey.

      • Dimitrios M.

        It’s more likely that she went with Thunderbird, but only because they no longer make Ripple.

        • Blank Ron

          Why would she buy Thunderbird? Are there no more stills in Alaska?

          • Dimitrios M.

            Don’t be silly. Anyone with an ounce of scientific skill would be operating a meth lab.

          • Blank Ron

            Which was kinda my point *grins*

  • Gee, thanks a lot, SCOTUSCare.

    • deanbooth

      SCROTUMCare?

      • data_ninja

        Isn’t that the one that leaves you hanging?

      • Rotisserie Teal

        Does it have a sack-religious exemption?

      • Jen_Baker_VA

        Is that related to scrotumbeard?

  • MissTaken

    Abstinence: Fool me once, shame on, shame on you. Fool me, you can’t get fooled again.

    • Steverino247

      Meet the new Cock. Same as the old Cock.

      • Zippy

        or not…

        • Steverino247

          The Who, indeed.

  • sw19womble

    Fuck this dozy bitch.

    Oh wait, some poor dickhead obviously did.

  • RUexperienced

    Bristol, didn’t you get the memo?

    • Keith Gargus

      That is so trailer park…

      • BadKitty904

        Her tramp stamp prolly consists of a Confederate flag emblazoned with YOLO

    • HairyEyedWordBombThrower

      I’m betting the back was *arched* ;-)

    • Vecciojohn

      What the hell position would that be?

  • Bren

    Move over Michelle Duggar, another floppy quiver heading up behind you.

  • glasspusher

    “The penetration depth can be roughly calculated into units of viscosity if so desired, by using the following equation:…”

    • Zippy

      fucking metric…

  • Anarchy Pony

    The bitch that is a fucking abstinence advocate gets knocked up out of wedlock AGAIN? And these are the fucks that claim to hold the moral high ground?

    • SnarkOff

      It just means they have to pray harder.

      • HairyEyedWordBombThrower

        they were doing SOMETHING harder, that’s for sure…

        • SnarkOff

          “Oh, God! Oh, God!”*
          *My second such reference today.

          • Zippy

            Praise the Lord and pass the one-eyed snakes

          • HairyEyedWordBombThrower

            Bristol *can’t* pass (up) a one-eyed snake, it seems…

  • Zippy

    At the end of the day there’s nothing I can’t do with God by my side

    besides keep your knees together, apparently…

    • HairyEyedWordBombThrower

      Besides get an IUD, because that makes the baby jebus cry.

    • WIDTAP

      That’s a job for aspirin, not God.

  • Palin pre-natal care courtesy of Barack Obama.

    Oh, the irony.

    • HairyEyedWordBombThrower

      Maybe she should have learned about sex and pregnancy in Head Start?

  • jviscont1

    where are the fathers?

    • HairyEyedWordBombThrower

      Oh, personal responsibility goes out the window for repugnicants…IARIYAR, y’know…

  • Pat_Pending

    Maybe it was an immaculate conception…

    • Zippy

      Franco Harris libul!!1!

      • Pat_Pending

        I actually got that…

    • Toomush_Infer

      Joseph: “Okay, don’t tell me. I don’t want to know….”

      • leemoder

        Continued Joseph: “Well, he better be the ONLY son of god!”

    • SK

      What? Sarah Palin was no virgin!

    • Querolous
  • Zippy

    so during the great Palin brawl she didn’t actually get knocked out…

    • Steverino247

      This explains that liquid under her in the photos.

  • SnarkOff

    Is Bristol secretly black? Otherwise, how can this be?

    • SK

      She’d have to be a transracial transgender for that.

  • Portia McGonagal

    Apparently you can’t avoid getting pregnant with God by your side. So there’s that.

    • Gleem-McShinez

      Duggar-style side-hug FAIL!

      • HairyEyedWordBombThrower

        DammitSoMuch, you beat me to it! :-D

  • sw19womble

    I am way too fucking incensed by the incandescent stupidity, the ultimate hypocrisy, the overall fucking temerity of this stupid twunt, and the abject sadness of another human life being squeezed unceremoniously into this world…. something something votes.

    I’m going to play elsewhere before I get lovingly banhammered.

  • OooShiny

    Okay, Palin, just one! more! babby! after this now-second babby outside of wedded bliss and you are SO definitely totally for sure next time or maybe the next-next time fired as Abstinence Ambassador for the Candie’s Foundation with its $240K salary plus expenses to teach teen girls all across this Once Great Nation how to not be with babbeez out of wedlock because it makes Republican Jesus cry.

    • Keith Gargus

      Yeah the PSA’s for saving it for marriage are going to be a tough sale…

      • Blank Ron

        Maybe they can recast her as the Object Lesson.

  • Rick Hill

    It is so sad when such a promising young woman has her dreams dashed on the rocks of a harsh reality. the grift train is slowing, booting her ass to the trail….the angels are crying, I can hear them now….

  • Beaumarchais?

    Give credit: she’s a PR pro, slipping this in at the end of a big news day.

    Of course, at Wombkette, this is the cherry atop the sundae…

    • Zippy

      sorry, all out of cherries

      (yes, I already used that, so sue me!)

    • H0mer0

      hee hee, “slipping this in…”

  • SK

    So if Dakota Meyer does not cough up child support, will Obama take away his Medal of Honor…..and give it to Levi Johnston?

    • Linda1961

      Good question!

    • Wombat

      If one were a cynic and prone to speculation (one is), the thought might cross one’s mind that maybe a very precipitously cancelled wedding, followed by breakup, followed at a discreet distance by an announcement of impending tiny feet might indicate that Dakota is maybe not the person who would be hit up for $$$ in family court.

      • SK

        One might, except radaronline confirms it.

        • Wombat

          Dammit. Why ruin some perfectly good speculation with facts, SK? Now i have a sad.

          Do you suppose this is how Fox News anchors feel all the time?

          • SK

            Actually I’m praying that it is your version of the events. That is way more fun.

          • Querolous

            “Wasila insider” could eadily be a case of “Here’s the meth. Now tell me what I want to hear.”

    • Relativicus

      If Dakota is the father, wouldn’t they’ve gotten married?

      • SK

        You ask that as if I know how abstinence works.

      • Dee Andee

        Could be why they’re not…ooops.

      • BadKitty904

        Alaskan law forbids marriage between a woman and an entire state.

      • Biel_ze_Bubba

        Hard to believe he’d bail out and vanish, if he was the dad.
        But easy to believe, if he’s not.

    • Biff52

      They give a medal for boning Brisket?

      • georgiaburning

        A shot of antibiotic and a visit with the chaplain, more likely

        • BadKitty904

          Plus ceaseless mocking from his bros.

  • Good timing. 20 or so years from now, her spawn and Kim Kardashian’s spawn can do a sex tape together. I’m pretty sure that will be what finally heralds the apocalypse.

    • Zippy

      don’t cross the streams

    • MegPasadena

      Based on mummy’s record, it wouldn’t take 20 years.

  • Fartknocker

    I hope it’s a boy because she has two excellent naming options: Bartles and James

    • sonaliraq

      Twins!

    • DemmeFatale

      How is she gonna blame the wine coolers this time?
      (I hate that I know that.)

    • Riley Whodat Venable

      I’m thinking “Whiskey Tango”

    • Celtic_Gnome

      In keeping with Palin Family Naming Options, I think she should name the child, regardless of gender, Hubris

      • Mary Sandoras

        I also like Grifter Palin, it rings of truth.

    • anniegetyerfun

      Its a girl. But James is getting to be a popular name for girls now.

  • MissTaken

    Season 2:

    Life’s a Tripp!
    – But Never, Ever to the Birth Control Aisle

  • Zippy

    I’d say that this news is the cherry on top of a great day, but those seem to be in short supply right about now…

  • Tony Alexander

    c’mon, kiddies, admit it!

    HAS THIS BEEN A WILD ASSED FUCKIN’ WEEK, OR WHAT!

    i am completely out of popcorn!

    • SK

      You won’t be laughing tomorrow when Roberts makes you gay-marry Levi Johnston.

      • HairyEyedWordBombThrower

        What if Scalia makes the shotgun marriage take place? Can I laugh *then*?

    • pearlsarefuzzy

      I was going to say the week has been the most fun I’ve ever had without laughing (ala Woody Allen in Annie Hall) but then I remembered I’ve been laughing pretty much non-stop all day.

  • Jack_Carter_USA

    Considering she earned more than a quarter-million dollars as an “abstinence ambassador,” I want to know when she’ll give that money back. – http://usm.ag/1KeaMKs

    • HairyEyedWordBombThrower

      In true Wasilla Grifter fashion, I guaran-damn-tee she’s already spent it.

      • Jack_Carter_USA

        Being holier than thou ain’t cheap, you know.

      • SnarkOff

        Not on condoms, apparently.

        • Rick Gardner

          or high quality dildos .

    • Sam Hain

      Let Candies know what you think of their spokesperson:

      info@candiesfoundation.org

  • If this trashy revolving door didn’t end up on her back more often than Franklin the Turtle, I might actually feel pity for her. But then I remember she’s related to Sarah Palin, and whatever goodwill I had erodes immediately. This trick needs to sit down and shut up.

  • Hemp Dogbane

    Abstinince Quiverful Advocate, AQA.

  • Tony Alexander

    thanx obama!

  • Relativicus

    I thought Tripp is her brother?

    • MissTaken

      Trig and Track are her brothers. And thus Tripp’s uncles.

      Following this logic, babby #2 should be Troll.

      • Shezanid D. Ott

        Trig is baby 2 for the prolific Bristol. He was originally named Tripp after Shaily Tripp – a paid fuc* buddy of Todd’s. Sarah adopted Tripp and changed his name to Trig so she didn’t have to say the name of Todd’s “wh*re” every time she called the kid.

        If this was a soap opera, the writer would get fired for the outlandish arc. But hey.

        There are strange things done in the midnight sun.

      • Biff52

        Where have you been hiding, Missy?

        • anniegetyerfun

          Seriously

        • anniegetyerfun

          Seriously

      • jviscont1

        if Troll sounds a little to euro, there is always Trailer.

  • Keith Gargus

    I predict six kids, six different fathers. But in a chaste and responsible way, you know hardly any meth and NO cocaine.

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      And at least two marriages by that time.

      • Querolous

        Two marriages at the same time.

    • MegPasadena

      Revirginized afterward every time.

    • malsperanza

      And unlike Kim Kardashian, no miscegenation.

  • Jenny

    Most bitter birth announcement ever. She could have just got an abortion and gone about her life. Those poor kids.

    • SnarkOff

      But abortion is WRONG, Jenny.

  • Goddammit, Kaili Joy Gray, you ruined a years-long streak of me never hearing or thinking about “The Situation.” Now my soul needs another bleaching.

  • Relativicus

    I dare you — dare you, I say! — to have Josh Duggar babysit.

    • HairyEyedWordBombThrower

      why am I laughing so hard? Meanwhile, let’s let Josh babysit for Tripp while she’s in the delivery room? If *that* combination of stresses doesn’t give her a stroke, nothing will.

  • leemoder

    What kind of Genetic Hellmouth IS that family?

  • JoeChristmas

    Good luck with your third, Bristle!

  • HolidayinCambodia

    So, this is, what?, three?

    • Shezanid D. Ott

      Yonder up here in the north, we got a different count on the litter. This will be Bris 4th live one.

  • Gristle McThornbody
    • Strepsi

      Such a cougariffic photo, thanks! I bet he called Bristol “Sarah” by accident in the sack and she punched him in the nuts but not before those self-same nuts had squirted baby batter up inside her hoo-hoo.

      • WIDTAP

        I think you might be right about all of the above except the timing, which I expect was concurrent.

      • flying monkeys

        this. the most awful and delicious collection of words i’ve read all day. thank you jesus. thank you lord.

      • flying monkeys

        this. the most awful and delicious collection of words i’ve read all day. thank you jesus. thank you lord.

    • Beaumarchais?

      That’s not a marriage, it’s a merger.

      • Dimitrios M.

        Menagerie?

        • H0mer0

          menage a trois? (sorry, that’s just WRONG!)(please pass the brain bleach)

    • Villago Delenda Est

      It’s a “Moms teach sex” video clip just waiting to happen.

      Like the kids need any teaching, mind.

    • Metadude

      A total three-way with some mom-daughter action!

    • docterry6973

      Apropos of nothing, but I disapprove of anyone, left or right, wearing the flag.

    • Blank Ron

      Impossible. Both of ’em are WAY too old.

      • Gristle McThornbody

        True, that. Mother Jugs and Speedy there aren’t the usual fare for Josh’s fickle fingers.

  • PigDootsMolloy

    When this child googles his/herself for the first time…and see’s Mommy’s very first public thoughts on their conception…won’t they feel loved and wanted…not even out of the womb and already a disappointment to the folks…

    • Dimitrios M.

      Don’t worry. By the time the kid can read, assuming the kid ever learns to read, he will be so twisted, he’ll probably use it as a lesson in how to impart news that you have been caught doing something you have earned heaps of money hectoring others not to do.

      • Biel_ze_Bubba

        Kid’s going to be a preacher?

  • pearlsarefuzzy

    I only came here for the snark. I haven’t been disappointed, thank baby jezus.

    • Dee Andee

      It’s been an awesomely Wonkette kind of day. :D

  • sonaliraq

    I will happily not give her any sympathy.

  • Tony Alexander

    mommy? mommy? tell me again about the conservative family values, mommy! please?

  • JoeChristmas

    She’s already had a No. 2.

    • jviscont1

      I now know more about fluffy colon transit time than I thought possible. thx.

    • H0mer0

      I love this scene:

      https://youtu.be/PBtC_eKVVEE

  • I just don’t know who to trust anymore.

    • memzilla

      Your own entrepreneurial spirit! Here’s a timely one: Confederate Flag Diapers!

      • PubOption

        Is the flag printed on the inside or the outside?

        • Celtic_Gnome

          Need you ask?

        • Dudleydidwrong

          AOT,K.

        • Querolous

          Yes

  • major_asshole

    I’m going to post here the exact same thing I said over on Gawker (as matt.mara):

    “I do not want any lectures and I do not want any sympathy.”

    Well, you’re going to get none of the latter and loads of
    the former, you abstinence-preaching, no-sex-til-marriage-screaming
    charlatan. Look, if you wag your finger in the face of anyone who
    doesn’t follow your hypocritical bullshit and then all of a sudden show
    up pregnant without a ring and squeak “Pretty pretty please don’t
    lecture me?,” you deserve all the condemnation you get.

  • Shoto

    “…now Bristol Palin is single again, so how is this even possible?…”

    Um…Babby Jeezuz, non-homo, immaculate conception, maybe? Braise the Loard, and send moar monies…

  • SprayedMilkOutMyNose

    Goddammit…the PILL you bitch!

    • Ryan Denniston

      You’re prescribing the SLUTPILLZ????

    • Tim

      IUDs, way more discrete. Only one medical bill, less paper trail, and no pills for mom to find. You know, if you’re hooking up in secret.

      • Catstro

        And you don’t have to worry about getting blackout drunk and forgetting to take a pill.

        • Villago Delenda Est

          This is of course a darn good reason to go that route when you have a wine cooler hankering.

          At 8AM.

  • memzilla

    Did somebody say, “Memory Lane?” https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0lqt7ZMj75M

  • Bill Slider

    This may explain why the Palin channel went dark for two weeks. Ssrah has been suffering from the vapors.

  • netanil

    There’s so much sperm in that one that her kid will be born pregnant.

    • Dimitrios M.

      Even if he is a boy!

    • Querolous

      Trible libel!

  • Ryan Denniston

    I for one do not care one fuckwit about Bristol. What I care about is any semblance of self reflection. Any idea that maybe getting knocked up at 21 was a bad idea (most of us knew to keep the peppers in the pants). But oh well. Reality show, cause Merica!!!

  • WIDTAP

    I am looking forward to Bristols next presser.

    “How many babies are you going to have out-of-wedlock?”

    “AOT,K”

  • Gleem-McShinez

    Who’s Dignity, and who’s Grace? Did they also get pregnant?

  • Tony Alexander

    does this mean she gets a do-over on dancing with the stars?

  • Reddishrabbit

    If SSM comes down tomorrow for equality. I think this weekend is going to be crazy.
    Not that I’ll remember it…

  • netanil

    Wait a minute, are we talking about an Immaculate Conception?
    This could be Really Big News.

    • Bob@Bob.com

      No it was sloppy… not that I was there

      • anniegetyerfun

        Bill O’Reilly was.

        • flying monkeys

          bill has been everywhere man…

  • memzilla

    WHERE ARE THE WONKETTE BRAND CONDOMS???

  • PRIME79

    Bad week for conservatives, excellent week for the Union.

    • Bob@Bob.com

      A Palin reproducing is pretty bad for humanity

  • amindofitsown

    Aww, Miss Fambly Values doesn’t want a lecture?

    Maybe she should’ve thought about that before getting on her little soapbox.

    • Steverino247

      To be fair, she thought it was the cashbox.

      • Zippy

        for a while it was…

        • TGuerrant

          Now she can be a celebrity home-schooling entrepreneur.

          • amindofitsown

            Oh dear sweet Jesus, don’t scare me like that.

      • amindofitsown

        Hey, grifters gotta grift.

    • Querolous

      Lying on a soap box sound uncomfortable. Telling a lie I could believe.

  • Toomush_Infer

    That girl is spunky!….

  • Ilgattomorte

    Have you considered the possibility that Bristol is not a hypocrite? After all of these years of all of us telling her to go fuck herself, maybe our prayer has been answered.

    THERE IS A GOD!

    • georgiaburning

      She did not follow the instructions exactly

  • Tony Alexander

    the best part of this will be watching the physics defying contortions her defenders on the right will put themselves through to play the whole thing down as no big deal.

    • amindofitsown

      Sandra Fluke! Lena Dunham! Uh…why do you liebruhls have to be so judgmental of a good Kuurstian?

      • Tony Alexander

        if they were good, we wouldn’t be judgmental!

        the math is real simple. can’t for the life of me understand why they don’t get it!

        • amindofitsown

          1) Remember, math is another libruhl conspiracy pushed on good freedumb-loving conservatives by those awful leftist elitists.

          2) That would mean being able to be introspective. This is in very short supply among the Fambly Values crowd.

    • Celtic_Gnome

      If nothing else, the usual suspects will cool the slut-shaming for a while to avoid drawing comparisons.

  • beatbort

    It’s an immaculate deception.

    • Dudleydidwrong

      Somebody’s balls weren’t deflated enough.

      • Blank Ron

        You’d figure seeing Bristol presenting for you would be pretty damned deflating all on its own.

  • Spurning Beer

    At the end of the day there’s nothing I can’t do with God by my side

    Well, one thing: Abstinence.

    • Mehmeisterjr

      One other thing also, too: Wardrobe selection.

      • HogeyeGrex

        3) Sobriety.

        Also, the distinct possibility that God is simply not, in fact, by her side.

  • netanil

    I’m pretty sure that the word ‘Palin” in Aramaic means ‘fucks like a rabbit.’

    • Rick Hill

      I looked it up. Means “can’t stop fucking like a rabbit”

      • VandeGraf

        So, Bristol means “Yip yip yahoo!” ?

        • Jen_Baker_VA

          My sister had a dog named Bristol. She really wished she had picked a different name after the entire election fiasco

      • Tim

        Nothing wrong with that, kids.

        • Rick Hill

          Only if you get on a national platform and tell people they suck because they do and aren’t a good, godly girl like they are.

          • TGuerrant

            If SHE’d sucked she wouldn’t be preg—

            Oh, never mind. I’ll hate me in the morning.

      • Villago Delenda Est

        I thought it meant “No one expects the Spanish Inquisition!”?

  • Ian Osmond

    That is the most depressing pregnancy announcement I’ve ever read, even compared to the other “I accidentally got knocked up, the father’s not in the picture, but I’ve decided to keep the baby” announcements I’ve heard.

    Mostly, at least among people I encounter, there’s usually a “I want to thank my friends for standing by me”; there’s even sometimes a “my parents have really stood up for me, and, even though they’re not happy, they’re helping me out.”

    This is just … bad.

    Worst. Family. Ever. Not Bristol, mind you: I mean the rest of her family who she feels is disappointed and angry with her and won’t support her. If you can’t rely on your own family — by blood, by choice, or both — when you’re single and pregnant, who CAN you rely on?

    • Jenny

      Actually pretty typical for holy rollers who are completely full of shit. This attitude runs rampant in Texas.

    • glennisw

      Most people are either happy or smart enough to lie about it. “This precious child will be loved and wanted and we’re all so filled with joy awaiting his arrival” etc., etc., etc.
      If I were her, I’d negotiate some kind of iron-clad stipend from Mom and then hit the road and get as far away from Alaska as I could.

      • VandeGraf

        But you can’t fuck with mooses in the lower 48! Or is that rut with mooses?

        • Dimitrios M.

          BULL . . . Winkle!

          (Or do I mean, Bull Winkie?)

          • geoffalnutt

            Bull Ween

      • Eykis

        A ‘smart’ woman would have kept her mouth shut, had an abortion, move from Alaska and get her ass in school.

        • Querolous

          Or kept her mouth open and swallowed or spit.

    • Wombat

      I have to say, her announcement actually made me feel a bit bad for her. I mean, don’t get me wrong, she’s terrible. But she’s going to (rightfully) catch a lot of public grief for her hypocrisy and hateful public persona. To have that compounded by the shame and (probably — I don’t see this announcement being met with any kind of caring or understanding from Mama P) vitriol from your family? Ugh.

      • NellCote71

        There is an obvious solution. But just watch. She will become the poster child for the “pro-life” faction.

        • Mary Sandoras

          I’m not sure how, but twisted logic does work for them.

    • H0mer0

      dammit (vicious chicken of ) Bristol ! Now I got that Madonna song stuck in my head.

  • TeenLaQueefa

    Could this day get any better?

    For libs I mean!

    • Sam Hain

      Did Rush choke to death on a foot long hotdog smothered in chilli extra cheese?
      (Just kidding don’t wish death on anyone, but I’d pay for him to lose his vocal chords, show and citizenship).

      • grmpy

        Have you seen his Birth certificate? I haven’t. Maybe we could get Trump on this as soon as he’s president.

        • PortageeJoe

          And Sheriff Joe too,also!

  • Rick Hill

    Dammit Bristol. You had one job.

    • Vecciojohn

      So did her mother.

    • Metadude

      She had a job?!

      • Politics_Nerd

        Half.

      • Rick Hill

        Well, two, actually.
        -Wipe your chin off before you go on camera
        -Don’t get pregnant. Maybe she wasn’t sure what abstinent meant.

  • planetwingnuttia

    @GovMikeHuckabee have you heard about Bristol Palin being pregnant. do you blame that on gay marriage or obamacare or beyonce’s music?

    • Wombat

      Yes

    • NellCote71

      AOT,K

  • CripesAmighty

    Theory: since the Duggars have blown up, maybe she senses an opening (?)

    • Zippy

      19 kids and counting on finding a husband somedy

    • TGuerrant

      Well, somebody sensed her opening. That much we know.

      • CripesAmighty

        Badump.

  • VandeGraf

    Virgin birth! Jeebus! Benghazi!

    • flying monkeys

      thanks obama

    • richardgrabman

      Nah, if the kid’s name is Jesus, we know the dad is… ah… one of THOSE.

  • Spurning Beer

    She did trial marriage. Maybe this is trial pregnancy.

    • richardgrabman

      Marriage into the Palin family WOULD be a trial. And cruel and unusual punishment.

  • surprisinglytasty

    I’ll bet the Palin Christmas Special will suck this year.

    • Zippy

      wait until you see the Thanksgiving message- that turkey beheader will be working overtime…

  • glennisw

    Radar online is now saying it’s for sure Dakota Meyers’ kid.

    • BadKitty904

      So they’ll name the child “Fargo”?

      • Zippy

        should have used the wood chipper, wouldn’t be in this situation

      • Eykis

        Barstool’s Kid Names:

        1. Trig
        2. Tripp
        3. Trapped!

        Trapped! needs to the ! to be like Jebya!

        • flying monkeys

          thong dress,

      • Reximus

        Tranq

      • sillyclucker

        Naw. It’ll be Oscar for sure.

      • Treg Brown

        Ya, I’m the last person to weigh in on goofy first names, but I like where this is going.

      • richardgrabman

        I’m bucking for Camero (after the site of the maculate conception) or Rebar

    • Blank Ron

      DNA test for-sure, or ‘for what they paid me I’d admit to being Satan’s father’ for-sure?

  • Tendernob

    I hope one day Bristol Palin can balance her busy schedule of being an abstinence advocate and telling dudes she meets on Tinder to pull out.

  • Tim

    If you invoke the “No Lectures” rule, it means no one is allowed to criticize you for not living up to your own standards. Also, since she knows it’s a mistake and a disappointment, she can continue to advocate for purity, in Jesus name.

    • VandeGraf

      “Purity is overrated.” Mitch McConnell attacking the EPA.

    • Ian Osmond

      To be fair, I think that nobody IS allowed to criticize you for not living up to your own standards. If you don’t live up to your own standards, I think that’s between you and yourself.

      … of course, this is an example of not living up to the standards that you insist on for OTHER people … so, yeah…

      • Villago Delenda Est

        This is the problem with these moral scolds. It’s all “do as I say, not as I do”. And they get their panties in a serious bunch in the process.

        Makes me stabby.

        • Querolous

          panties in a bunch, thrown under the bed.

  • Joshua Norton

    I wonder if her cherry gets in the way when she has sex.

  • AnOuthouse

    She doesn’t want sympathy but she sure could use some of that sweet welfare cash which automatically is increased with more kids to feed.

    • Biff52

      It’s a plot to keep all that sweet Alaska Permanent Fund cash to themselves.

  • BanditBasheert

    Bristol was with Joey Junker as late as Feb 2015. There are pictures. There is a huge chance that he is the father and she tried to pawn it off on Dakota.

    • VandeGraf

      I’m frightened that you know that. Please seek professional help.

  • AnOuthouse

    711 had a wine cooler sale?

  • AnOuthouse

    Maybe now we know why Dakota bailed. She’s a whore. Not that there’s anything wrong with that.

    • AntiDerpomeme

      There really isn’t. I’m all for women (and men) being as free with sex as they are comfortable having (with consenting participants, of course, and within the boundaries of agreements with romantic partners). Fuck the Puritanical notion that sex is wrong and evil.

      BUT, Bristle Is a giant hypocrite. I don’t point and laugh at her for her sexual exploits, but because she’s a dumb, grifty bimbo.

      • Villago Delenda Est

        This is absolutely the problem with Bristol and the bitch that bore her. It’s the blatant hypocrisy, the living a life of lies. Apparently both of them like the sexytime, but they’re too fucked up (in the metaphorical sense as well as the literal sense) to admit it, because of the twisted death cult they’re members of.

        • sw19womble

          Amen.

  • BadKitty904

    Is “compulsive childbirth” some kinda Wingnut thing?

    • TGuerrant

      All I can say is Anton “Jiggery Pokery” Scalia has nine kids; Rick “Man on Dog” Santorum has eight; and Michele “Happy Birthday to Elvis” Bachmann has twenty-eight (though she didn’t birth ’em all out herself personally).

      • Mehmeisterjr

        Two only counts as a mini-quiverfull.

        • Biel_ze_Bubba

          hemi-semi-demi-quiverfull.

          • Querolous

            ISWYDT

  • glennisw

    Huffington Post has the announcement AND a tweet that she sent, alerting people to check out her “big news.”
    So she tweets an alert to a public announcement that says, “please respect my privacy.”?????????
    Does she understand how this works?

    • TeenLaQueefa

      Seriously?!

      She doesn’t understand how birth control works!

      • Spurning Beer

        Or abstinence.

        • TeenLaQueefa

          Those who can’t do teach.

      • janecita

        Birth control is for liberal sluts, “nice”, conservative women, trust God with their reproduction.

      • grmpy

        Birth control is using two hands. I’ve seen that bumper sticker.

    • Wombat

      I’d say she has a firm grasp on EXACTLY how this works.

    • Jen_Baker_VA

      It’s like Flag Bra. Someone interview me so I can tell them to PLEASE leave me alone!!!!!!

      • H0mer0

        yeah, I hate it when I’m giving someone the silent treatment and they didn’t wanna talk to me anyway or just didn’t notice.

  • Tendernob

    Bristol is an expert on abstinence like her mother is an expert on becoming Vice President.

  • Oneofthebobs

    Too bad all of the girl parts don’t “shut down” when ya really need ’em to!

    • Eykis

      Hell, that only happens with a ‘legitimate rape’, doncha know! Ask any male EvangeliBagger.

  • KatieAnnieOakley

    Bristol was being reminded back on February 11th that she shouldn’t be drinking by very recent (ex? not?) BF Joey Junker. Notice she says “I didn’t have a sip”. Who does that? Someone who is pregnant.
    .

    • BanditBasheert

      So Joey KNEW … Dakota needs a DNA test. Sounds like something Sarah would set up so her “grandbaby” would have a MoH as a dad.

      • Villago Delenda Est

        This explains very nicely how the wedding was called off. Dakota broke the code: your “beloved” spreads her legs for anything that moves with a dick…and doesn’t bother with birth control.

    • Jen_Baker_VA

      I didn’t have a sip! It came half full! HATER

    • H0mer0

      she looks kinda hot in that picture

  • Candy Apple

    The Schaden, it is Freude.

  • Vienna Woods

    I saw this on Fb and dashed right over here. I knew that I could on teh Wonkette to be ON IT! But I think Brisdull has broken Disqus- hard to load more comments.

  • CutterTeam

    The Confederate flag comes down. Klondike Kardashian loses her Fox News gig. The ACA is upheld by SCOTUS. And Bristol is pregnant out of wedlock — again.

    Quite a week for the Wasilla Hillbillies. Let’s hope these worthless fucks can wake up early enough tomorrow to see gay marriage become the law of the land.

    • Toomush_Infer

      One-L’s prayers have all been answered with a resounding No!…

    • NellCote71

      Klondike Kardashian. I am so stealing that.

      • Rick Gardner

        which one is klondike kim ?

  • arundel

    I had the pleasure of announcing to my mom, “Good news! Unwed single mom Bristol Palin has announced she’s pregnant again. Begrudgingly.” My mom gasped, laughed, and then we gossiped like yentas. I mean, who is writing this absurdist comedy script for the Palins?

    • anniegetyerfun

      Me: Did you hear? Bristol Palin is knocked up again.

      Husband: So?

      Me: Why did I marry you?

  • NorthStarSpanx

    She said this, from her moral high horse about Levi having kids with his WIFE:

    ‘I don’t want him to go to elementary school with 10 half siblings,’

  • cousin itt

    491st!

  • Bitter Scribe

    The only thing tempering my schadenfreude is the thought that another human being will shortly have that twit for a mother.

    • AntiDerpomeme

      And a twat for a grandmammy. Sheesh, it’s a double-whammy.

      • Dimitrios M.

        Another conservative Tea Party twatwaffle, dickweed or asshat will be born, and the only difference will be that this one will get intense, early training in the art of the grift.

        • sw19womble

          Numbers game dictates the probability that one of them will turn out supergay.
          Would be great if they bucked the neocon trend and went at least to Threat Level Mary Cheney.

  • James Christopher Owen

    Say what you will, but I feel kinda sorry for her – she hasn’t exactly had good moral leadership in her family, and I can’t help but wonder what might happen someday when she wakes up and realizes how wrong she’s been, only to realize at the exact same instant how many bridges she’s burned with a lethal mixture of judgmental self-righteousness and hypocrisy.

    • Jen_Baker_VA

      I understand and feel the same :/ Neo-Cons should not be allowed to raise daughters, for really realz. Sigh

      • Toomush_Infer

        and by raise, you mean “mess with their minds while they raise themselves?”…

        • Jen_Baker_VA

          Pretty much yeah
          I’ve known some pretty hard core fundies. The daughters either end up vapid babby poppin drones, or, addicted babby poppin lost gals. So very few seem to be actually functioning members of society.
          Is sad. Needz moar kittens

          • Bitter Scribe

            And the sons?

          • Villago Delenda Est

            Child molesting dickheads. See Duggar, Josh.

          • sw19womble

            Or closet-cases.

          • Jen_Baker_VA

            Damn them too. So pretty much they should not be allowed to have children.
            Maybe instead of toothy floride in the water, we should start putting birth control in the water?

            Edit: Though I have known a LOT more boys to be able to get out than the girls.

          • malsperanza

            Or hate-filled gun-toting bullies.

          • James Christopher Owen

            Kyrie eleison, Christe eleison.

    • TxSpinyLizrd

      You’re assuming she has the capacity for self-reflection. Don’t think that gene is present in her DNA.

      • Villago Delenda Est

        Haven’t run any tests, but I think this is a pretty solid working theory.

    • Anarchy Pony

      I’d feel more sorry if she wasn’t such a sanctimonious braying jackass.

      • James Christopher Owen

        Let me try it this way: I feel sorry for how the person I hope she can be might suffer the fallout from the person she is now. I know some here are a bit down on Christianity (and God knows how I realize that self-styled “Christians” get the vast majority of that blame), but my Christianity is very much about the possibility of redemption – it’s why I think of myself as a Progressive; I have to believe that it’s possible for things, and people to become better.

        • sw19womble

          FTR I have absolutely nothing against ‘real’ Christians: i.e. the WWJD crowd, of whom I know a few, and they’re cool, and if we disagree, it’s all good.
          What gets my goat is the ugly, evil, malformed old testament types who honestly believe the earth is 6,000 years old: i.e. utter fucking morons.

          Peace out. :)

          • James Christopher Owen

            I hear you. I find it disheartening how the fans of the smitey OT God forget that He said “Have I any pleasure in the death of the wicked? Would I rather they not turn from their wicked ways and live?”

          • Jen_Baker_VA

            At least she was allowed to out herself and not have her mother do it for her this time. Shame she has to think of an impending life as a disappointment :/

          • alwayspunkindrublic

            Her attention ghoul mother will somehow find a way to may this about her…certainly as a victim at least.

          • sw19womble

            Of course, the trouble starts with people interpreting the celebration of, say, the Summer Equinox (like I did last weekend) as something “wicked” and I shall somehow end up in some burny place. To them I say “fuck you kindly” and then they get all bent out of shape about it.
            I’m more than happy with other denominations to say “oh how quaint”… just as I return the compliment to them around Diwali, say, or Xmas time, just after (completely coincidentally of course) enjoying the latest Winter Equinox. :)

          • Biel_ze_Bubba

            And the Spring and Fall Solstices?

          • flying monkeys

            and have 19 kids

          • malsperanza

            The Old Testament has nothing on St. Paul, the source of most of the bigotry, hatred, scolding, hypocrisy, and religious persecution embedded in Christian culture. Cf. the Southern Baptist Convention, the Evangelical churches, 1,500 years of religious wars, the oppression of women, Jews, and homosexuals (and Catholics, and Muslims, and … )

            What Would Jesus Do is all nice and fine, but What Would Paul Do is the real bumper sticker.

          • Blank Ron

            I know a great number of Paulists. I know very, very few Jesus-ists.

          • malsperanza

            Routinely voted more influential than Jesus: http://catholicexchange.com/top-ten-most-influential-saints-reader-votes

            which is no surprise, because he is.

    • amindofitsown

      For me, the question is: will she have the insight to see how many bridges she’s burned with that lethal mixture? My guess: not likely.

      • Villago Delenda Est

        She probably thinks the bridges have not been burned, and then will walk directly into the abyss.

    • Metadude

      Well that’s the difference between you and her. She would not feel empathy towards a filthy liberal under any circumstances.

    • NellCote71

      I think you are giving her too many IQ points of credit.

  • TeenLaQueefa

    But hey, her momma got fired from FOX news so she’ll be around to babysit while she gets knocked up with #3!

    Do you libs see how things work out?

  • Biel_ze_Bubba

    Wingtards won’t mind too much . . . she’s white. Just like the majority of single mothers in USAmerica.

    • I hear he’s VERY controlling and she was worried about parental issues in KY. She may have wised up?

  • Vecciojohn

    Penis goes into vagina, penis goes out of vagina, nobody can explain that.

    • NellCote71

      Penis goes in, baby comes out, I believe is how it works, at least sometimes.

      • flying monkeys

        maybe it’s atomic. or it was the electrolytes

        • Blank Ron

          Penis goes in
          A MIRACLE OCCURS
          Baby comes out

          See, science!

  • amindofitsown

    I do so hope this doesn’t interfere with her busy schedule of proselytizing and beating the shit out of the host of the next crashed party. I’m so looking forward to another Thrilla in Wasilla.

  • CutterTeam

    I want to offer sympathy, but I’m afraid Bristol will just try to fuck it.

  • sw19womble

    If only she’d listened to more Garfunkel and Oates. :(

    • Dudleydidwrong

      That’s her excuse: “His aim was bad.”

      • Rick Gardner

        he couldn’t tell the difference between her cunt , her mouth and her asshole ? That’s kinda hard to b…. oh never mind .

  • jesuswasablack

    “God Knocked Up Bristol Palin Again”

    So she’s gonna have a little brown one then, hallelujah!

    • Msgr_Moment

      Once you go Jehovah,
      Sexing up the mortal men is all Ovah.

  • Biff52

    Such a hard-ass worker.

  • amindofitsown

    At one point, Miss Tundra Grifter Junior made $262,000 as an abstinence ambassador…

    http://www.usmagazine.com/celebrity-news/news/bristol-palin-earns-262000-as-abstinence-ambassador-201154

    An abstinence ambassador…

    • TeenLaQueefa

      As I said below, those who can’t do teach!

    • Bitter Scribe

      I think the ambassador’s diplomatic immunity has been revoked.

    • Mehmeisterjr

      That’s it! She was our ambassador to the strange and foreign land of Abstinence, not an actual Abstinent citizen herself.

    • grmpy

      Who’d she fuck for that job?

      • Blank Ron

        AOT, K

  • Bitter Scribe

    Think Sarah’s gonna have to update her video channel now?

  • Villago Delenda Est

    Oh, just fuck this skank.

    Oh, wait…someone already did! I’m certainly glad it wasn’t with my dick!

    • Rick Gardner

      are you sure about that ? do you keep your windows locked , at night , when you are sleeping , hmmm ? I thought not …

  • sw19womble

    Do the rest of you think her tramp-stamp says “Do as I say, not as I do”?

    • nmmagyar

      “Please use other Entrance”

    • MrBlobfish

      Girl’s gonna get handlebars on her back.

  • Biel_ze_Bubba

    “I do not want any lectures.”
    We won’t if you won’t, dearie.

    • sw19womble

      And I don’t want to listen to sanctimonious hypocrites picking and choosing which parts of their Bible to browbeat others with.

      Too bad for both of us, I guess, you fucking piece of shit.

      • Villago Delenda Est

        Upfist, upfist, upfist! Over and over and over again. Bristol obviously inherited her mother’s brains as well as her mother’s ethical compass.

      • sw19womble

        … ps and too bad of course for this wonderfully “unexpected” gift from your god you seem so delightedly proud about on social media.

        God help it.

        • MsInformed

          God fucked her?

          • sw19womble

            Let’s hope it wasn’t Ganesh, for her sake as well as ours!

          • Villago Delenda Est

            I doubt it was Ganesh. He’s got better taste in women.

          • gallbladder

            Or the Flying Spaghetti Monster.

          • Blank Ron

            Great, now you got me thinking about tentacle porn. Okay, thinking about it more.

    • MsInformed

      She started it!

    • Hail Eris!

      I so heard that in the voice of Rumple, as portrayed by Robert Carlyle.

      Snarky
      While we had a “Cold War” with the Soviet Union, our differences with China are more like a “Passive-Aggressive Catfight”.

  • Metadude
  • Old Top Kick

    That turd sure didn’t fall far from the asshole.

    • Rick Gardner

      it’s still stuck halfway and not going anywhere …

  • CutterTeam

    So does she get one of Jeb Bush’s scarlet letters, or are those only reserved for black women?

    • RavenRant

      Ooh, can I steal that for Twitter? Or are you on twitter, and I can retweet. Pretty please?

    • grmpy

      Well, she’s acting like a black woman. I mean …right? ‘Cause, we can all agree on that …right?

  • docterry6973

    Ask for privacy in a blog post. But Bristol, honey, you can have all the privacy you want just by going away, forever.

    • Villago Delenda Est

      That way there would be an infinitesimal chance that we’d miss you!

      • dshwa

        a non-zero chance, as they say in physics.

        • Left Coast Tom

          Asymptotically approaching zero, though.

          • H0mer0

            not the asymptote! I thought we were just being hyperbolic.

          • Querolous

            The number of posts her I think we’re hypergolic.

          • Biel_ze_Bubba

            The asymptotic approach would have saved her from all this trouble.

  • TeenLaQueefa

    The movie Idiocracy suddenly appears to be more of a documentary than a comedy, eh?

  • Suse

    Poor doomed babby…

  • Adrian

    When does Sarah start showing?

    • TeenLaQueefa

      I’m guessing a week or so, or about as long as after the throwdown clusterfuck party in Wassila.

  • MsInformed

    Nobody says it better, Wonkette.

  • SK

    So will Billdo be calling her a pinhead on “The Factor”?

  • alwayspunkindrublic

    Man, I’ve had one shitty day. This is going a LONG way to making me forget all about it. Barstool is the gift that keeps giving.

  • Lee Donovan

    So, technically, could this be considered “The Second Coming?” Or is that just being ecumenically naive? ;)

  • “At the end of the day there’s nothing I can’t do with God by my side”

    Except stop being a shrill, moralistic, hypocritical grifter. Even if you asked, God wouldn’t even know where to begin to help you out of that hole.

  • madmonq

    How much do you want to bet her marine exfiance isn’t even the father? Oo gul!

    • dshwa

      That was my first thought too.

    • Villago Delenda Est

      I’d say it’s near certainty, and that’s why the wedding was called off. She was fucking around on him even after they announced the wedding.

      • Suse

        Bristle was kinda chummy with Josh Duggar. Just saying…

        • Elder God’s Minion

          Brain Bleach! I needs Brain Bleach!
          /shudder

        • Elder God’s Minion

          Brain Bleach! I needs Brain Bleach!
          /shudder

        • SadDemInTex

          Nooooooooooooooooooo

        • Spotts1701

          GAH!

        • grmpy

          Not young enough

          • Markuserektus

            zactly

      • Platos_Redhaired_Stepchild

        The wedding was called off because the groom was already married to someone else.

    • Metadude

      And if the babby is a blah…

      • … the wingnuts will start the call for Obama to be impeached for roofying and taking advantage of poor Brisdull.

    • OrdinaryJoe

      Meyer was awarded the CMH. I give him a pass on the snarking. But Barstool? Nah, Barstool gets the full blast. Starting with this question: Barstool, what part of N_O do you not understand?

  • alwayspunkindrublic

    Somehow, some way, this will be Obama’s fault.

    • sw19womble

      Bristol hatefucking Obama?
      Ewwwww…..

  • Adrian

    Honestly, I’ve been trying my hardest to keep my chin up on this one.

    Thanks Mom. I love you too.

    • Dudleydidwrong

      Honey buns, it isn’t your chin that you need to worry about. (Does anyone have a spare anatomy book they’re not using?)

    • Mehmeisterjr

      If she’d taken it on the chin, she wouldn’t be in this mess.

      • Rick Gardner

        that’s too much – it would bring back memories of Levi Johnston back in days gone by …

  • OrdinaryJoe

    “…there’s nothing I can’t do with God by my side”

    Honey. I think you are not understanding the Christoderpian do’s and don’ts for having God by your side.

    • Villago Delenda Est

      There is very little this airhead understands at all….just like the bitch that bore her.

      • grmpy

        that bitch bores us all

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      So it was a threesome?

      • BloviateMe

        They rod AND thy staff.

        • gallbladder

          Christ had a double-penis?

          • H0mer0

            y’ever hear the expression “happier than a two-peckered billy goat”?

    • nmmagyar

      Two in the pink, one in the stink would give a whole new meaning to the Trinity

      • Suse

        Trinity is the perfect name for the babby!

        • Jen_Baker_VA

          Chastity

          • Blank Ron

            Best. Suggestion. Yet.

        • anniegetyerfun

          The Matrix leading lady libelz!

  • A Bashful Nobody

    Well, the acorn doesn’t fall far from the oak……….

    • BloviateMe

      Ironically, she may name it Acorn…or Oak.

      • Logic of Color

        Too hippie. How ’bout “Brackett”?

        • Villago Delenda Est

          “Rebar”. Or “Phillips Head”.

          • vivian

            Depends on the father and the foreplay

          • Rick Gardner

            ” cement truck ” sounds nice .

          • Mickey Donovan

            I’m thinking Hummer might be a good choice.

          • flying monkeys

            roll bar?

      • MrBlobfish

        Hoping for twinz

  • dshwa

    So who had “knocked up, (probably) by someone else in the pool when the wedding was called off? I’m to lazy to go look.

    • nmmagyar

      AOU, K

  • alwayspunkindrublic

    I wonder what other items are on her list of “realistic goals”.

    • Logic of Color

      Repeal and replace?

    • Rick Gardner

      To learn when to use the back door ?

  • Sam Hain

    Here’s Bristol spewing her lies…I mean Family Values.

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?t=16&v=cZECIvOlm30

    • dshwa

      So fucking awkward.

      • Hail Eris!

        So awkward fucking, too — or, fucking so awkward.

        Snarky
        For every complex problem, there is a simple solution, and it’s wrong.

    • Paul

      She should have taken that condom

    • amindofitsown

      Not even the ABC Afterschool Specials were this corny.

      • Villago Delenda Est

        Not even Nebraska is that corny.

    • m3bosha

      That was painful.

    • Sheesko

      Is it okay to drink Clorox right before bedtime? Because I need to, and it *is* bedtime right now.

  • A BRISTOL PALIN JOKE FOR THE TROPICAL FISH HOBBYIST:
    I’ve seen guppies who had more self control!

    • Jen_Baker_VA

      That made me laugh, because my mother loved the guppies and their live birth and went and got all the fancy things for them to try and keep the other fist from eating the little bundles of joy
      Fish are mean, man

      • Mean, indeed. Often even the mommy fishies will decide her precious babies are cute enough to eat and will do just that.

  • Celtic_Gnome

    I think Hubris would be a great name or the kid.

  • bluicebank

    “I know I am fully capable of handling anything that is put in front of me with dignity and grace.”

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2vCm8e1at1I

  • katahdin

    Crashing a party and punching the host in the face multiple times day-glo orange screams “grace and dignity.

    • Villago Delenda Est

      One does not do such things in quiet rooms. Fer sure!

    • alwayspunkindrublic

      Camo thong notwithstanding…

  • Villago Delenda Est

    A thought just occurred to me.

    What if Dakota Meyer IS the father…but when he and Bristol had sex, she assured him that she was using some sort of birth control method (aside from wishful thinking or the rhythm method…but I’m being redundant there), and he called off the wedding because she lied to him about using birth control.

    He might be a guy who thinks that planning parenthood is a pretty good idea even if he does have an MOH pension to help ease the financial burden of a newborn in addition to the stepchild he’d be involved with, legally and morally, if they wed.

    But of course, Bristol being part of the bizarre death cult branch of Christianity, birth control is a sin, because it implies that you’re having sex, which you shouldn’t, unless you’ve got the approval of a patriarch in the form of marriage, and you’re only having sex to reproduce, not to have fun, because fun is just fucking evil. Oh, dear, another mixed metaphor. Oh well.

    • Adrian

      Or was it Dakota’s evil twin brother?

    • KarenJ

      Here’s a partial answer: Bristol was seeing skiboarder Joey Junker up until she went to a gun-nut confab in Las Vegas with her mother in late January, where she met Dakota Meyer. By the time they all went to the GOP’s CPAC in late February, she and Dakota were holding hands and she was wearing an engagement ring her mother bought.

      What if Bristol got pregnant by Junker, and tried to pass off her pregnancy as due to intimate contact with Dakota — and he told her that it wasn’t possible that he was the father?

      That would certainly explain everything that happened the week before their hasty wedding planned for May 23rd. Bristol slinking out of Kentucky, going on a road trip with her exotic-model friend, then returning with reinforcements to get some of her belongings. And it explains THIS picture, too — an embarrassed scheming Sarah Palin scolding Dakota at the “celebration of life” substitute for the wedding:

      • Villago Delenda Est

        Sarah certainly is demented enough to think that linking her daughter to an CMH recipient is valuable for publicity. Sarah needs to keep the grift in operation, it’s very obvious that her inherent laziness is taking control, as her production for the Sarah Palin Channel is next to nil, even her most devoted fans are noting how little she’s providing in the form of content, even if it is the same old song and dance.

        I think Sarah can be VERY non-lazy when she’s got a tangible goal, as she did when she was running for governor in Alaska…she supposedly had real problems learning to delegate many tasks, and suffered from some burnout as a result.

        • KarenJ

          And once those brain cells are burned out, they don’t regenerate. That’s why nearly everything Sarah’s touched since she quit her governor job has turned to elephant doo-doo.

      • Tallmutha

        That you know all this is scaring me.

      • gallbladder

        Wasn’t it Palin herself who once said never to point for there were always four fingers pointing back at oneself?

        Stupid fucking cunt.

    • Tallmutha

      That you know all this–you are scaring me.

      • Villago Delenda Est

        It’s all just speculative, of course. Except for the observations on the flavor of “Christianity” that the Palins apparently subscribe to. Those are observations.

        It would be, as Nooners says in her permanently tipsy state, irresponsible not to speculate.

    • Platos_Redhaired_Stepchild

      The wedding was called off because Dakota already has a wife and if he’d married Bristol Palin he’d be a bigamist. His “ex-wife” wasn’t legally, actually “ex”.

  • amindofitsown

    Just took a gander at the comments section on the US magazine article. Most are recognizing her for the hypocrite she is, there’s a few “don’t be a hater, she makes mistakes” and “the left are the real hypocrites!”

    Yes, because Chelsea Clinton was the one getting paid major gwap to lecture others on “abstinence” after she was knocked up the first time out of wedlock. Derp.

    • Egret1

      I would love for the “left are they real hypocrites” to explain where they were when Chelsea Clinton was getting attacked for her looks. Chelsea was only a little girl when adult conservative politicians made cruel comments about her appearance. And, later, in 2001, one conservative commentator, John Derbyshire, called for her murder: http://www.historycommons.org/context.jsp?item=a020101derbystereo.

      • amindofitsown

        I really think that, at some point, some study is going to conclude that a disproportionate number of conservatives suffer from some mental illness. Sane human beings don’t have thoughts like this.

  • Mehmeisterjr

    I have a vague recollection of a judge who was caught taking bribes and who later expressed regret that people were being so judgmental.

  • middleclassman1

    Momma bear buy her some birth control!

  • netanil

    Once is a mistake. Twice you are a fucking slut.
    — Pope Benedict XVI in Deus Caritas Est

    Or maybe it was Andrew Dice Clay who said that. I forget.

    • Zwoof

      If she does it again, she could name it “Charm”.

  • Beaumarchais?

    Fox will pay her millions for a new reality show “Four’s A Crowd” and the grift goes on.

    • Platos_Redhaired_Stepchild

      TLC. They’re in the market for a new ultra right winger conservative family that will breed 20+ kids for Jeebus.

  • Electric Ukelele Land

    To be fair, it’s only the second time this has happened and I’m sure this time she’s learned her lesson.

    • Villago Delenda Est

      When mistake #6 comes out the ol’ ho-ha, that’s when we know, ferrealz, that Bristol is less than fully committed to abstinence.

    • richardgrabman

      Second that we know of, anyway.

  • Blender_415

    Too soon to start a betting pool on what’s she going to name the little product of her sin? I vote for “Ooops.”

    • Villago Delenda Est

      Rick Perry libelz!

    • elpinche

      Meth Palin

    • SK

      Obama.

      • gallbladder

        Can you imagine the Thanksgiving dinner conversations?

        • Jen_Baker_VA

          Damnit, Obama, it is ALL YOUR FAULT
          Poor kid

    • MrBlobfish

      Gristle

      • Rick Gardner

        that makes it easy on sarah , all she has to remember is the ‘ istle ‘ part when she wants a beer fetched …

      • Gristle McThornbody

        Hey, hey, hey!!! Tendon, Backfat, Porkrind, Chitterlings… those are all acceptable. Gristle is OFF LIMITS.

    • Rick Gardner

      Trout if it’s a girl , Truss if it’s a boy .

      • Biel_ze_Bubba

        Bartles. Or Jaymes.
        (Is it too much to hope for twins?)

    • sw19womble

      In retrospect, she should have called the first one “Whuh” and the second one “How”. Plenty of room for the inevitable third “Dammit”

    • alwayspunkindrublic

      Only if Rick Perry is the baby daddy.

      • richardgrabman

        A gay father?

    • mailman27

      Troop? Flagg? Pharttt???

      • flying monkeys

        i’ve heard “trap”

    • Walter Wellstone

      Duffel

  • Is history cyclical or linear? Is it “one damn thing after another? Or, is it “the same thing over and over again”?

    Bristle cone has done the incredible. Her very life is the fusion of these two conundrums.

    • PortageeJoe

      Maybe she should make her hook-ups wear a conundrum.

  • ms_canadada

    Hee-hee. What a maroon! The apple doesn’t fall far from the Dumb Ass tree in that nut-bar family.

    • Truth for life

      You just called someone a maroon, and yet said they came from the dumb ass tree . The irony

      • Rotisserie Teal

        I hope this helps. It’s really quite classic.

        https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C_Kh7nLplWo

      • davebedini

        Your lack of awareness of a historical reference is not evidence of the writer’s error, but rather your unsophisticated background. See, the great philosopher B. Bunny used the term “maroon” to describe one who was clueless, and those of us well versed in his works are well aware of that. Ya freakin’ maroon.

        • Rotisserie Teal

          Truly an ignoranimus.

          • alwayspunkindrublic

            I vote ignoranus.

      • Dreaming Vertebrate

        It’s a Bugs Bunny reference.
        “What an embezzle! What an ultra maroon! “

      • Ranina

        You might want to edit your comment, ’cause you’re lookin’ pretty maroonish yourself.

      • Hemidemisemiquaver

        Here’s another one to be aware of:

        https://lwtc247.files.wordpress.com/2010/06/get-a-brain-morans.jpg

        Might save you some embarrassment.

        • Yes. I. Have-one

          Cardinals fans, figures.

  • “At the end of the day there’s nothing I can’t do with God by my side”

    …except not get pregnant

  • Zwoof

    Maybe she caught it on a toilet seat, but I’ve heard (from a friend) that’s pretty uncomfortable.

  • gallbladder

    Hey $arah, how you gonna spin this one? Oh, that’s right, it’s Obama’s fault and the fault of free-thinking Godless communist heathens everywhere.

    • SK

      Spin? She’s going to jump in the GOP race. Same thing as last time when she sought a national office.

      • gallbladder

        No greater dream could be granted unto us.

        • Biel_ze_Bubba

          Palin debating Trump . . . that’s pay-per-view gold.

        • nmmagyar

          We really are bad people, aren’t we?

    • Yes. I. Have-one

      Bristol’s uterus is the victim of the liberal media you idiot, don’t you ever read Fox News on TV?

      • gallbladder

        I stand corrected!

    • Egret1

      It is the “Lame-Stream Media. If they would only leave us alone. Hey, where are you taking that camera? I am over here.”

  • Sheesko

    “I am fully capable of handling anything that is put in front of me with dignity and grace.” Except, apparently, penises.

    • gallbladder

      That was good.

    • Zwoof

      Maybe she should learn to suck them with dignity and grace.

    • I…I love you.

    • Ranina

      But apparently the dad did not put it in front of her with dignity and grace…with a gentlemanly sheathed sword.

      • Biel_ze_Bubba

        He’d promised to pull out before loosing its fateful lightning.
        I guess it was terribly swift.

        • Ranina

          So her eyes did not get to see the coming?

    • ButchWagstaff

      Never knew I had something in common with Bristol.

  • John

    The only ones I have sympathy for are her children. She’s as much, if not more, of a train wreck of a parent as her mother. And given how much these idiots talk about mother/father, anyone seen Todd lately?

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      Well, this one’s a “disappointment” before even being born, so a well-adusted childhood seems guaranteed.

    • nuttnbuttrouble

      His boyfriend probably knows where he is…

  • Markuserektus

    Alaska must have some hard water.

  • bargal20

    Anal: ur doin’ it rong, Bristol.

  • FauxAntocles

    Good thing she’s a virgin else she’s be passing the Duggars by now.

  • Pugsandcoffee

    I wonder if Sarah will run now.

    • gallbladder

      You mean from her family?

      • For the right price, of course

        • gallbladder

          Why quit otherwise?

  • sw19womble

    Looks like I’m going to have to make another road trip south of the border soon, so I can spend some money and help create some wealth and taxes, to help pay for the future little drain on the federal government.

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      Gristle is moving her mini-clain up to Wasilla, so you’ll be supporting her every time you fill up the tank.

  • Pugsandcoffee

    That’s certainly an option. After being dropped by Fox, I was thinking Bristol was going to be mommy’s cash cow, but now…

  • netanil

    More importantly, can we make it to 1000 comments before another Palin gets pregnant?

    • gallbladder

      I doubt it.

    • natoslug

      I don’t think we can make it another ten minutes before another Palin gets pregnant. It’s Pregnant Palins all the way down.

      • Steverino247

        Somewhere Mitch McConnell is jerking off to that turtle reference.

  • Beth Woodrum

    Please, please, please (I’ve got $50 riding on this) please name this one Treadmill

  • bumfug

    “I didn’t say ‘God loves abstinence’, what I said was ‘God, I love absinthe’.” — Bristol Palin

  • alwayspunkindrublic

    Abstinence makes the tart go wander.

    • jazzmania

      You can lead a whore to knowledge, but you can’t make her think.

      • bluicebank

        Dorothy Parker libel.

        • Mehmeisterjr

          I think the original challenge was to create a sentence with the word “horticulture” and Mrs. Parker suggest, “You can lead a horticulture but you can’t make her think.”

          Not that anybody has ever led Bristol to culture.

          • fka_donnie_d

            darn ninja’d

        • Rotisserie Teal

          Bristol is truly ‘a rhinestone in the rough’

        • jazzmania

          Her copyright expired last century…

      • nuttnbuttrouble

        Knowledge?! Please — somebody should lead her ass to birth control.

      • fka_donnie_d

        No this one is from Dorothy Parker, they asked her to use the word horticulture in a sentence

        You can lead a horticulture but you cannot make her think

        • jazzmania

          My Grandfather was a waiter at the Algonquin… bitch stole that from him. So there!

        • Swampay

          I thought it was Vasser? You can lead a whore to Vasser but…

          • fka_donnie_d

            yiddish libelz

    • Yes. I. Have-one

      You know poor Bristol really is a victim of oh fuck her.

    • nuttnbuttrouble

      heeheehee!!

  • Keith Rodgers

    Dammit! My money was on Willow.

    • Rick Gardner

      it’s not either / or , give it time …

      • Biel_ze_Bubba

        Not a zero-sum game. Sadly.

  • ryp

    Her Mom may be rapidly fading from the political limelight, unable to keep interested in her own grift channel, booted form her paid Fox gig, and getting a little scary looking even for Rich Lowry, but as long as Bristol is young enough to keep pushing out missing Daddy offspring, she will be tabloid fodder for years to come.

    • Ranina

      But Sarah is no Kris Kardashian. She just hasn’t been able to master the art of the pimping-out offspring for personal gain. (Despite the fact that Bristol’s chin–the one she’s trying to keep up–was modeled on Kim’s.) Just being in tabloids won’t pay enough to keep up their quadruple-wide, 2-story trailer home.

      • Rick Gardner

        Those quadrulple wide McTrailer Mansion houses do NOT come cheap . Ever try to balance one on the side of the road during an eviction from the park ? Everything slides to one side …

  • LA Julian

    Hypocrites “R” Us!

  • LA Julian

    Oh, this is not connected except in a most roundabout way (drought-related problems vs global warming denying conservatives) but I thought people might be interested in this modern world problems news item about an unapproved mystery drone blocking fire planes and making a wildfire worse because they couldn’t fly the tankers safely with it running loose in the area:

    http://www.pe.com/articles/officials-771410-aircraft-area.html

    • Mehmeisterjr

      Figures. You know what would solve this? Deregulation!

      • Captain Kraut

        You forgot the tax breaks.

  • Me not sure

    Did Dakota win the Medal of Honor or the Medal of On Her?

    • gallbladder

      And all night long…

  • Manhattan123

    Maybe she can get uncle Josh Duggar to babysit the little one.

  • Walter Wellstone

    The arrogance of these people is astounding. Here they are, this little tart, her mother and the rest of their trailer-trash clan, pretending that they’re better than the rest of us when, in reality, they’re just a bunch of fucking losers whose fucked up lives are not even worth a reality TV show.

    • Platos_Redhaired_Stepchild

      “Here they are, this little tart, her mother and the rest of their trailer-trash clan, pretending that they’re better than the rest of us when, in reality, they’re just a bunch of fucking losers whose fucked up lives are not even worth a reality TV show.”

      You really think the Duggars, various Teen Moms (and Dads) that will remain nameless, Jon Gosselin, many Big Brother and Survivor contestants, most of the Bachelors, assorted Real Housewives, and that gay closeted coke addict on Married at First Sight are less trashy than the Palins? Honestly, I think the Palins need to step up their game to even tie some of those people.

      • Michael Alan Tubman

        But most of those (not the Duggers) aren’t spending most of their time lecturing the rest of us. That is what makes this so glorious

  • MrBlobfish

    Another delightful tale from America’s favorite frontier family.

    • alwayspunkindrublic

      The Waltons on meth.

  • old_redneck

    Someone call Rush Limbaugh. Tell him this is what a real slut looks like.

    • grmpy

      Yeah and she don’t need no stinking pills to be a slut neither.
      This is all natural, baby!!

    • TeenLaQueefa

      He knows shit about sluts.

      3 or 4 marriages now and no kids?

      Please.

  • Objectifer

    “I know I am fully capable of handling anything that is put in front of me with dignity and grace.”

    Swallow, spit or duck I always say.

  • Biel_ze_Bubba

    Who did Kaili have to murder to get dibs on writing up this story?

    • Mehmeisterjr

      Well common sense would suggest AOT,K and yet the others are still alive, so I assume that KJG was merciful in her triumph.

    • LA Julian

      Maybe she just locked everyone else out of posting privileges until she’d finished writing it up!

  • Me not sure

    Doesn’t Obamacare cover birth control?

    • gallbladder

      Indeed, though apparently, it doesn’t cover abject hypocrisy.

  • grmpy

    you can be sure she’s saving her anal for marriage.

  • Joshua Norton

    Needz moar comments!!!!

    Gawker is over 950 by now. Granted a goodly amount are from bleeding heart hand wringers scolding the others for saying such mean things, which would never survive over here, but still…..

  • alwayspunkindrublic

    Apparently, it’s a little more difficult to hold a pill between your knees for long periods than some of us had assumed.

    • Yes. I. Have-one

      What do you bet, six or seven shots?

  • Rick Gardner

    Oh hell , just name the baby ‘ nota blowjob ‘

  • richardgrabman

    Would it be tacky to ask how many abortions she’s had?

    • nmmagyar

      Yes. So you are totally in the right place.

      • grmpy

        If you don’t have something nice to say about somebody… come over and post at the wonkette… where posting is not allowed… apparently… Or so some of the posts I’ve read there have said.

  • Yes. I. Have-one

    I am going to quote my own 2009ish, crude, nasty, seemingly sexist joke, but we should really all care less considering the source material.

    “Sarah Palin is so annoying but a MILF, I get it. I can’t fucking stand her. If I met her I would try to fuck her sure but out of resentment, and in the ass. After we finish up I’d tell her to go make me a sandwich, get me a beer, and to send Bristol in.”.

    You’re welcome.

    • anniegetyerfun

      Why?

    • Pugilist

      I think you had a cut and paste error there… you didn’t quote a joke, just a gross sexual fantasy better kept to yourself the first time, let alone again six years later.

  • Esteban Rey

    Goddamn Christmas Miracle in June. Praise Jesus.

    • richardgrabman

      Maybe she’ll claim she was visited by an angel, but then the kid’s name would be Jesus, and we’d know she was knocked up by a Mexican named Angél.

      • JD Mulvey

        If that kid comes out with brown skin… that would be HILARIOUS.

    • gallbladder

      When do we get to open our presents?

  • grmpy

    I mean this in all sincerity, I hope she came during the making of at least one of these two kids. It’s easy to poke fun at her (and apparently easier to poke a penis into her) but at an orgasm would at least kinda sorta make it worth it instead of having to lie to her partner and say “it’s ok, maybe next time.” #orgasms4Bristol

    • Captain Kraut

      A worthy cause! Where can I…err, contribute?

  • Anarchy Pony

    There’s nothing worse than monied trailer trash.

  • texasace00

    This will illustrate the stupidity of the rightwing, again, as it they need no illistratin..last time she shit out a little Palin she made 300k on the lecture circuit, this time she will make even more….hence the “I don’t need a lecture” till after I poop out this Palin

    • grmpy

      Maybe she meant to type “I don’t need [to] lecture”

  • Mary Sandoras

    Is this the big announcement Mama Grizzly was going to make?

  • grmpy

    Maybe she didn’t really have sex, she just couldn’t make up her mind.

    “You can put it in” *Squish*

    “no, no you better not. take it out.” *Schlop*

    …although, that did feel pretty good…

    “ok, you can put it back in” *Squish*

    “no, this just isn’t right. take it out.” *Schlop*
    .
    …oh but it felt some Facking good…

    “Put it back in, in in in!” *Squish*

    “No, I’m puting my foot down we can’t do this. just stop.” *Schlop*

    “It’s cool I’m done”

  • richardgrabman

    See can enter Donald Trump’s newest pageant — the Miss Conception Contest.

  • Ranina

    What a minute. What’s the running theme through all of Granny Grizzly’s rants all these years she’s been given airtime? “Blame Obama.” And there we have it, Obama! Just as he was able to work his Kenyan voodoo magic and trick everyone (except really astute people like Pat Boone) into believing that he was born in the USA 50 years ago, he has used the same powers to impregnate Bristol, an avowed nouveau virgin!
    He will of course deny paternity and will behave like a typical Black father…

    • grmpy

      There’s no way. They would kick Bristol outta the clan if they found out she was soiled by one of THEM.

      • Ranina

        nonono…it will make for a great Reality show! Think of the sympathy she’ll get!

        • grmpy

          “Bristol Palin: ‘Rape Survivor’ next on TLC”

          • Ranina

            How about “Surreal” Rape Survivor

          • grmpy

            Family’d have to look up “Surreal” to make sure fun wasn’t being made at them

          • Ranina

            Doubt if they’d bother…plus they could just interpret it as “beyond real”…obviously a good thing to them.

          • Querolous

            “Surreal? Nah, it were just that once time.”

        • Indy Independent

          “Here Comes Bristol’s Boo-Boo”

      • KenRob

        No way they’d kick her outta the clan/cult. They didn’t kick Sarah out when she played with & screwed Glen Rice or when Track was conceived when Toad was hundreds of miles away, or when she screwed his best friend & business partner. All you have to do is spew RW talking points & all things are forgiven.

        • Playonwords

          Take Jesus into your bosom, Bristol, and all will be forgiven – No! not Jesus with an “Hey”, Jesus with a Gee!

  • Mary Sandoras

    Can’t wait to see all the fundies tripping over their own dicks trying to make this right.

    • Ranina

      Maybe a few years ago, but now I think they’ll pretty much ignore her.

      • grmpy

        Seriously, you know this is why the mama grizz was kicked from Fox again.

        • cousin itt

          Aw, who the fuck.

        • Ranina

          Her last rambling rants deriding (unintentional, I’m sure) the Vixen-in-Chief’s exploiting the Duggar girls did not help.

          • ButchWagstaff

            Yep. Ailes will always prefer blondes.

  • Solipsister

    You know that super-evangelical Duggar apologist right wing “judge not if they’re Christians” asshole relative everyone has that you never sit next to and drink a lot to survive at family gatherings? Well….MINE just went on an unexpected but welcome rant about Bristol. It involved that stupid story about the stranded Eskimo who turns down the sled, canoe and helicopter because “God will be merciful and save me,” then dies, says “where were you?” and God says “WTF I sent a sled a canoe and a helicopter you ass!” Yeah, that dumb story. So my relative did this huge rant about how Bristol is so privileged and has options so many women don’t and she ignored all God had given her and now she’s upset and hoping that God will get her through it. And sure God probably definitely will, but he is not likely to be happy about that. At all.
    Still not looking forward to the next BBQ, but pleasantly surprised, low bar and all that.

    • Enfant Terrible

      James Joyce? Is that you?

      • Lizzie Siddal

        lol, Enfant Terrible, indeed! Great name!

    • LeftCoastLeftie

      Aren’t there massive fires in Alaska right now?
      Somebody’d pissed!

  • cousin itt

    19 children by 19 different fathers. Take that, Duggars!1!!1!

    • Ranina

      Let’s see…she’s 24? Yep, still do-able.

  • Antimassacree

    Sure $arah is disappointed that Bristol applied her Palin quittin’ genes to her ever-so realistic goal of abstinence, but since each Alaskan resident gets an annual stipend from the Permanent Fund, she has to be pleased that more easy money is on the way.

  • in trying times like this, we’ll always have patsy:

    You know, when I heard that Eds was pregnant I told her to abort! ABORT, ABORT. ABORT!!! I said, chuck it down the pan! Bring me A KNITTING NEEDLE!!!

  • cousin itt

    Trig?

    Hypotenuse.

    • JD Mulvey

      Don’t go off on a tangent, k?

      • Dudleydidwrong

        I’ll cosine for that.

  • Enfant Terrible

    Why, it appears that Bristol Palin is a normal young woman, in spite of herself. And she is a victim of her own abstinence-only message.

    • grmpy

      She’s lucky, I understand in Texas they only get Chlamydiae for practicing abstinence

    • ButchWagstaff

      If only RWNJs had a reality-based view of human sexuality. No, they have adopt the view that allegedly pleases some imaginary Sky-Daddy. Then they force that view onto their kids.

      • Egret1

        They don’t just force it on their kids but also on everybody else’s kids as well. The Republican legislature in Colorado just got rid of a successful program that cut the number of abortions and unplanned pregnancies by providing contraception to low-income women and girls in part because they “favor abstinence.”

  • bluejayray

    I knew about the aspirin-between-the-knees, but I didn’t know that keeping her chin up will keep a woman from getting pregnant.

  • RobertoInUs

    Stop criticizing her.
    She said she will support her kids herself by giving speeches about abstinence!

    • Anarchy Pony

      “Be abstinent! Or end up like me, supporting my out of wedlock children with abstinence speaking engagements!”

    • LeftCoastLeftie

      “For those of you who didn’t get my message last time: Don’t do this!!! Check, please”

  • RobertoInUs

    Stop criticizing her.
    She said she will support her kids herself by giving speeches about abstinence!

  • RobertoInUs

    Did she go to another camping trip?

  • shastakoala

    A word of advice Bristol “Tubal Ligation.” And no dear, this has nothing to do with a beer funnels.

    • Mehmeisterjr

      If it weren’t for tuba ligations, we would be overrrun with euphoniums. – Ancient Joke

  • Steverino247

    If you go to her Facebook page, you will notice mostly “Cheer up, God knows what He’s doing.” bullshit messages. There are a few asking her to return the money she was paid for abstinence preaching. These messages probably won’t last long, but they are getting through.

    Amazingly, not a single “Well, she had her fun” message over there. I guess there’s more abstinence failures than I thought.

    • Dee Andee

      Gotta love those tired ‘Christian’ platitudes.

  • Mehmeisterjr

    Amazingly few concern trolls so far. I expect the wave to break over our heads any minute.

    For the record: I feel a little bit sorry for Bristol considering her upbringing.

    OTOH, I feel even more sorry for the next generation. Grow up, Bristol. You still can, though not at the rate you’re going.

    • Dee Andee

      I think they must be off commiserating and licking each other’s butthurt fee fees.

      • Mary Sandoras

        Their busy right now tripping over their own dicks and hohas figuring out how they are going to spin this.

  • SadDemInTex

    There are almost 1000 comments for this story. I’m a bit worried about what this says about me and my fellow Wonketeers.

    • It says, “This was the last story of the day, and we’re bored as fuck.”

      • Dee Andee

        Plus, we’re totally shadened the freude out! It’s been a kickass day. :D

    • gallbladder

      I think you ought to be more worried about what says about little girls Bristol and Sarah. They wanted prominence, and by god’s grace, they’re getting it (in more way than one–and deservedly so–it seems.)

      • grmpy

        “Bedazzled” comes to mind.

    • grmpy

      at 1000 comments we get a free game…
      or disQus breaks.

      • data_ninja

        I think balloons drop out of the browser address bar.

    • LeftCoastLeftie

      Means this shit-eating grin won’t come off for a month!! (Worth it)

  • Sheepshagger

    Pulled herself up by her Fallopian tubes, by god.

  • grmpy

    If she had any nugget of smart in her thick but empty head she would have an abortion and then cry “miscarriage” on account of the the rude that was aimed at her after announcement and stressed her out and made her body shut that whole thing down. (honestly surprised her carni family hasn’t presented this as an option, already.)

    • JD Mulvey

      The time-honored tradition in families that would deny that option to others.

    • LeftCoastLeftie

      Or she could go away to visit an aunt in another town and come back next year with just Tripp and a new face job, oh, wait, didn’t she do that in high school?

  • Matthew Hawkins

    Her fiance calls off the wedding and than we find out she is pregnant.

    Things that make you go hmmm.

    • LeftCoastLeftie

      Throwing himself on a grenade, that was heroic. Throwing himself on Brisket, not so much.

  • Matthew Hawkins

    How unlucky can you be to get pregnant the only two times you have ever had sex?

    • cousin itt

      Divine Providence.

      • Bear OmNomNom

        If God is a comedy writer… And/or hates Alaska.

        • cousin itt

          More of an asshole, really.

    • grmpy

      Unlucky? those are some lotto winnin’ odds if ya ask me. She shoulda just picked some numbers instead of doing the sex.

    • jw

      Pregnant two times that we know of – she’s like the only person in the history of Dancing with the Stars who got fatter while dancing 8 hours a day.

      • LeftCoastLeftie

        Her next reality show “Dancing With Diners, Drive-ins, and Dives (With Tripp)”
        Watch for it on the TLC (Touching Little Children” channel

  • cousin itt

    So it’s mine, right?

    _________________________________

  • Steverino247

    No statement from Bristol (yet) about the father. She may be following her earlier game plan which is to act like there isn’t one and make several guys work for parental relationships with the child.

    • docterry6973

      I see a new reality show! Who is Bristol’s baby daddy?

  • nascausa

    She has proven herself to be a pathological liar with no morals or critical thinking skills. Move over Mom, she will be getting a Fox News Contract now.

  • jw

    I don’t know why she would be a big disappointment to her family – they seemed so very proud of her the last time she was knocked up and unwed.

    • LeftCoastLeftie

      Wait for it – Mommy’s about to announce a run for the Presidency – now she;s got a reason. God was busy telling her to run for office and not paying attention to Bristol’s latest fling to.

  • nice_marmot

    Thanks Obama.

  • Captain Kraut

    This is confusing the hell out of furriners like me. Who’d have thought that Dakota was in Bristol?
    US Geography is hard…

    • Goposaur

      thats what Brisket said.

  • SK

    In the immortal words of Scott Walker: Molotov, Bristol!

  • ButchWagstaff

    Time for another reality show!

    • LeftCoastLeftie

      3 Kisa and Counting (or does this make 3 kids???)

  • Nearly 1000 comments (that aren’t allowed)?!

    An hour or more of 504 errors up the wazoo?!

    JESUS PALIN CHRIST, YOU GUYS!

    Do none of you other than Bristol recognize the importance of abstinence?!

  • RevZafod

    Wow, up to 984 comments. Nothing new to say except hey, Wonketeers, pitch in and push this babby over the top for over 1000 and try to break the Disqus machine!

  • Sheepshagger

    Getting to the kilo….
    In the interests of smut, has it been pointed out that Bristols is cockney slang for tits?

  • Bob

    They should put her fertility to some larger national good.

    • Dudleydidwrong

      To start a human colony on Mars? No thanks. We want humans up there.

  • RevZafod

    Almost there but I’m old and tired and it’s almost 0400 here, so I’ll just close with what someone said below; that it’s been a great day for Wonkette and this is like the cherry on top, but those seem to be in short supply. So here, something to fap to with one hand while putting comments over 1000 with the other. You lovely preverts.

    • LeftCoastLeftie

      I think i see the problem – her knees ARE together!!

      • Goposaur

        behind her head

        • RevZafod

          No; behind MY head. [I wish]

  • Sheepshagger

    Come on now wonketeers sing with me:
    One toke over the line sweet Jesus ….

    • RevZafod

      One toke? You poor fool! Wait till you see those goddamn bats.

      • Sheepshagger

        Was I talking out loud? Just act cool, noones on to me. Yeah.

        • RevZafod

          Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas if you’re too young.

          • Sheepshagger

            Back door beauty.

          • RevZafod

            Ah yes, the “noones” threw me off.

  • Sheepshagger

    Oh Christ it’s gonna happen!

    • IT JUST HAPPENED!!!

      Happy 1000th comment, Sheepshagger!

      • Sheepshagger

        “Sob” I just wanna thank substance abuse and my goddamn shit bastard family. If it weren’t for those bastards I wouldn’t have to hide here.

        • The first step is to admit that you left the 1000th comment…

          • RevZafod

            IF you actually did. How about a recount?

    • gene108

      That’s what ‘he’ said to Bristol…

      Until he and Bristol end up on Mauri Povich’s show, sayin’ it ain’t happened…it ain’t me babe…

  • RevZafod

    Jackpot!

  • gene108

    If I could get pregnant, I’d get so much more attention than Bristol…’cause I’m a guy and that’d just blow everyone’s understanding of reality…

    It’s just sexist that only women can get pregnant and get all the attention :-(

  • LeftCoastLeftie

    Looks like she’ll have to postpone that PhD for a little while longer; Doctor of Phucking -so she can’t spell good, she’s a Palin.

  • BoatOfVelociraptors

    Well babby is formed. Now it’s just a question of why 50 year old technology isn’t being implemented in the year 2015. I mean, we have hoverboards. http://www.msn.com/en-us/money/companies/lexus-teases-an-actual-hoverboard-in-ad-campaign/ar-AAc3iZY?ocid=ansCNBC11

    • gene108

      Only sluts use birth control…

      • Goposaur

        someone should have let her know about the other 2 holes

        • RevZafod

          Only two? Grasshopper, you have much to learn.

          • actor212

            She gots some purty ears….

          • Playonwords

            Would that be aural sex?

          • sw19womble

            skullfucking libel!

        • Ryan Denniston

          And suddenly that scene from Bad Santa flashes through my mind…

      • O4FSake

        Only dumb sluts drink wine coolers.

  • Mary Sandoras

    Okay, it would be just plain wrong not to speculate. How are they going to spin this into something morally self righteous?

    • I DIDN’T GET NO BORTION SO SUCK IT LIBRUHLS

      • Sheepshagger

        My olde boy stands awn a dawg. Mmhmm.

  • gurukalehuru

    Serious question here. Is Dakota, in fact, the Daddy? Because that’s been a while.

    • DsMTwoShoes

      I think Dakota may be wondering the same thing.

    • gene108

      Maury Povich must be drooling at the hope she don’t know who the baby-dady is and they pick his show to find out…

      • Dudleydidwrong

        Geraldo Rivera hasn’t opened anything in quite a while.Maybe he could redeem himself for the embarrassment of Capone’s empty vault. At least Bristol’s vault has something in it.

    • Ryan Denniston

      It would be wrong not to speculate!

    • Platos_Redhaired_Stepchild

      I think Dakota is the dad and Bristol expected to be married by time she had to announce her Lil’ Woopsy but then the whole bigamy thing came up and so no wedding. PRO LIFERS like the Palins have made getting abortions really difficult to get after 22 weeks. Bristol probably just discovered she’s too far along for an abortion (oh, pardon me a convenient miscarriage ) which is why she put out such a bitter birth announcement.

  • It was an immaculate deception.

  • Dave

    The only way this story could be any more delightful is if Josh Dugger were the baby daddy.

    • jamsie

      ewwww. But it would be so delightful watching those idiots try to spin it

      • sw19womble

        “Hey, well, at least he’s started fucking adults.”

    • Lizzietish81

      No, if the baby was half Mexican

      • PRIME79

        Black, half black. That would be excellent.

        • Metadude

          Does anybody know Glenn Rice’s whereabouts during the, um, events?

    • sw19womble

      Ewww no. Just no.

    • PRIME79

      Indeed, but she’s old enough to get pregnant so she’s not really his type.

  • The Big Truth

    So where does laughing my ass off fall on the lecture-sympathy continuum?

    • actor212

      Depends. Are you laughing at her or near her?

      • A Big Sarcastic Fairy!

        She keeps popping them out like that she will end up needing Depends.

  • BrotherWill

    This is the most ironic, and ridiculous part of the article.

    “After all, Bristol has never asked America to please pretty please pay all the attention to her, for years and years”

    And yet, here you are, paying attention to her for years and years. What was that you said about “hypocritical”?

    You are like a “used car salesman” of writers. Slimy.

    • amindofitsown

      Because someone who bitches about “not wanting to be lectured” about her latest pregnancy after getting paid ridiculous sums of money to lecture others on “abstinence” and preach against same-sex marriage isn’t hypocritical at all. Nope, not even in the slightest.

    • Pugilist

      You understand the concept of “hypocrisy” about as well as Bristol Palin does “abstinence.”

    • Lizzietish81

      “Chicks on the Right”?

      No wonder you wandered in here by accident!

      • actor212

        He meant to make that “Left” turn. Honestly. He did.

    • actor212

      So let me get this straight: Attention-whore Bristol Palin begs for seven years to be the center of attention as the spokesmodel for “today’s generation” and now suddenly begs no one to notice the bump behind the curtain…and you think the publisher of this blog is the hypocrite for following her instructions. Until now?

      That’s a remarkably bad job of trolling you’re doing there. You better call for backup.

    • sw19womble

      Concern troll is concerned.

  • DsMTwoShoes

    John McCain should hang his head in shame!
    These people could have been in the White House!
    Up until now I believed the people of Wisconsin had gone off the rails. And tumbled into Kochastan, led by Scott Walker
    But now one wonders about the people of Alaska?

  • actor212

    So there are TWO orifices Bristol ought to consider keeping shut?

    • sw19womble

      Considering she doesn’t know her ass from her elbow either… better make that three.

      • Ryan Denniston

        Isn’t that where babbys are made?

    • O4FSake

      Only if she has a three-way. Cram that mouth and make her air tight.

  • actor212

    You cynical cynical people. It’s clear that Bristol is merely carrying out a scientific experiment she proposed on her blog earlier this week….we should all go over there and laugh our asses off in her face support her efforts to do science.

  • celtic_buddha

    But the penis was looking at her with those big brown puppy dog eyes and how could she just resist that?

  • Lizzietish81

    Tripp? Isn’t Tripp her baby brother?

    • actor212

      Incest is best!

      You’re thinking of the gun part.

      • RevZafod

        But Candy is dandy. No, really, go find a copy of the all-star 60-s movie Candy with Brando Burton Coburn Huston Matthau Ringo, and more. Bad/great. And Ewa Aulin as Candy.

        • actor212
          • actor212

            Oh! And hey! Look what popped up!

            https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bNP8Q_8u89A

          • RevZafod

            And I’m sure the long-missing Actor212 will be back in his bunk for the duration
            Better without the bad aspect ratio.

          • actor212

            I’m not long missing, I just keep weird hours now.

          • RevZafod

            Ewa Aulin’s body had nothing but good parts, and a LOT more of them are on display in the flick, especially in the Airborne sequence in the ..Ahem.. cockpit.

    • Billy Rubin

      That’s a common misunderstanding. It goes: Twerk, Brisket, Pillow, Pistol, and Spork.

      • PirateCafe

        /snort/

        LOL

      • bluerinse

        I thought it was Fleegle (guitar, vocals), Bingo (drums, vocals), Drooper (bass, vocals) and Snorky

      • quietlyvocal

        I think Whoopsie would be the name.

    • Ryan Denniston

      No, that’s Trig. Not certain what’s up with the names.

      • Guest

        Wonder what this baby’s name will be? If a boy, my bet is on Treetrunk. A girl? Streampebble.

  • Tony Alexander

    thousand bucks says this is why fox dropped the snowbilly grifter as a contributer.

    • Guest

      I was thinking that too! It very well could be that Fox execs found out and just could justify having Sarah come and demean, defile, say her typical nasty things about other people all the while spouting off about good Christian family values.

      • Tony Alexander

        bet mama drizzly was none too happy about it either!

  • LOL! This is just so funny. Oh Please let the Father be John McCain.

    • Platos_Redhaired_Stepchild

      She keeps saying God is by her side so I suspect she’ll be naming the kid Haysoos.

  • actor212

    Oh my stars, it seems America’s most virginal born-again virgin is with child.

    Um, Shy? You’re supposed to wait a little while after the babby is formed before trying for another one.

    • Not even with your dick, Actor, not even with your dick…

      • actor212

        I meant Trix, but hey, if you’re offering…

  • Alex Grey

    • VirginiaLady

      I can’t stop laughing!

  • Alex Grey

    They have to breed a new constituency, since all the old white men are dying…

  • Fly

    Jesus Jr.?

    • Mary Sandoras

      Someone else suggested Fartknocker for the babys name about fityonehundred comments ago.

  • VirginiaLady

    Is this why the marriage was called off? If her ex-fiance wasn’t the baby daddy then…? Thanks Obama!!

  • Ryan Denniston

    Oh Lordy Lordy. Bristol, here’s a pro tip. If you can’t get your man to get in on the safe sex thing, they make these things. They’re called slutpills. And they are free because of Obamacare. Now, you’re young, so if you have any questions, ask your mom about it.

    • wjshelton

      Are you sure her mom actually knows anything?

      • Ryan Denniston

        Slutpills = bad. Obamacare = throatcrammin’. Constitution = FREEDUMS. What else does one need to know?

        • wjshelton

          LOL! But… but… Bristol probably thinks “throatcrammin'” is something else.

          • Ryan Denniston

            Hey that’s sodomy!! You can’t do that, people get smited and stuff for that shit.

          • wjshelton

            Damn, you’re right. And you don’t get pregnant that way, if that’s all you do…

        • ohpaleasegivemeabreak

          You forgot Abstinence = out of wedlock babbies

  • PirateCafe

    I guess someone else has already asked, “How’s that abstinence working out for you, Bristol?”

  • Oblios_Cap

    Immaculate Conception, obviously.

  • diogenez

    “God at her side…”???

    No one ever told Bristol where babbies come from.

    • Lizzietish81

      He said “Just the tip!”

      • Dr.Zoidberg

        Obligatory Archer pic

      • Ryan Denniston

        Abstinence only pro tip: If he says just the tip, it’s time to pull the zip!

    • wjshelton

      No, no, no… That was “God inside…” as in, “Oh, God! Yes! Yes! Yes!…”

    • Ryan Denniston

      From the butt of course!

  • Serolf Divad

    Isn’t she supposed to publish a letter listing all of her sexual partners now, or something? She can do it on her blog if she wants. I don’t care.

    • PirateCafe

      That’s only if Jeb! becomes president.

    • LB City Girl

      I’m sure there’s a video somewhere.

  • diogenez

    OK, who has been buying slut pills for Bristol, again?!?

    • Tony Alexander

      or not!

    • wjshelton

      Nobody. That’s why she got pregnant.

  • Playonwords

    Dear Bristol,

    I know it is hard to remember to take that little tablet every day, or to make sure the man in you (r life) has put on a condom but there are nifty things called IUDs some of which are more effective at stopping unwanted babies side effects than any other method of baby prevention. Now I know your Momma and the Pastor have told you that these IUDs are sinful and cause abortions but Momma and the Pastor are very, very wrong; IUDs just kill off the sperm before it gets to your Oh-so-available eggs.

    If you used one you would still have that “Abstinence Only” gig and still have all the rumpy pumpy you so desire …

    Just sayin’

    • Ryan Denniston

      Also too, aspirin does not work.

      • Clay Denton

        It does if you keep it between your knees! I read that on here once.

  • geoffalnutt

    “America’s wackiest Ho! Brizzle’s Live F*ck Cam Hour. See Folks you Never Even Heard Of Get it On With America’s Most Abstinent Ho. A Rare Cavalcade Of Eager, Young Manhood. You’ll Laugh! You’ll Cheer! Don’t Miss It!! Filmed before a live studio audience.”

  • Dr.Zoidberg

    HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!

    • 1ucille_bluth1

      My thoughts exactly.

    • sw19womble

      needs moar H’s and A’s

  • alwayspunkindrublic

    Some lucky mf-er somewhere is counting up a lot of coin from a correct guess on the When Is Barstool Going To Get Knocked Up Again betting pool.

  • Mary Sandoras

    Don’t they cover any sechs education questions in those GEDs, like how babies are made? I know she missed that first class because of her first pregnancy.

    • charlotte

      No sex ed – they might want to try it. No need to worry about contraceptives.

      • Shibusa

        Maybe Bristol works at Hobby Lobby.

  • Helena Handbag

    Color me not surprised.

  • chickadee

    Has the name pool started yet? Tayzer, Troop? Pitstop? Bail?

    • Ryan Denniston

      Trog, Thunk, Trink, Thiel…

      • wryawry

        Turdbutton.

        • vivian

          Trunk, Bucket, Pedal, Pouch, Crouch, Crump, Crimp, Bunt, Clip, Gnap, Cuff, Lint, Burp, Bork, Spork, Plank, Plod, or Delirium.

    • BeliTsari
    • tihond

      My money is on Confederate Flagg Palin.

    • alwayspunkindrublic

      Tie-rod? Truckstop?

      • BeliTsari

        Chlamydia?

    • Gil

      If it’s a girl, the name of a famous British hotel, like mom.

      • BeliTsari

        FIFA?

      • Julia Oceania

        Then it would be Motel Six Meyers if a girl, or Howard Johnson Meyers if a boy.

    • BeliTsari

      Isis? Ebola? Benghazi? Obama?

    • Shibusa

      “What does it matter”? Hillary Clinton

    • arglebargle

      Pud. Short for Pudding, get your mind out of the guntter. I mean gutter.

    • ez

      I vote for Truck Nutz Palin. It’s got class all over it.

    • Santana999

      I’m guessing Huge Disappointment Palin. Has a nice ring to it.

  • intlet9949

    The top two suspects for fathering the child would be the guy Bristol was engaged to but called it off when she found out he was married or second choice….Ann Coulter.

    • Santana999

      I doubt it was Ann. Jackasses are sterile.

  • Lizzietish81

    Christ on a vespa can we get a new story here?! It’s already 9!

    • Zippy

      looks live everyone in the sekrit chat cave went out and got drunk celebrating all the good news

    • alwayspunkindrublic

      Proper schadenfreude takes time.

    • Ryan Denniston

      They had to call in the whole team to moderate the comments. Which is weird, because comments aren’t allowed here.

    • natoslug

      Don’t worry, I’m sure a slightly longer pregnant pause will birth another great Palin post.

      • Shibusa

        Don’t fetus any lame puns.

    • BeliTsari

      Vespa… that’d be a GREAT name… Vespa, (taking a hit) Vespa Christ!

    • sw19womble

      Hey, cut them some slack – yesterday was super-busy!

  • Dudleydidwrong

    You people leave Briss-tol alone; she’s doing the only thing she knows how to do–screwing–and she’s good at that. Give her some credit. (This may have been said by others but I’m about 80 yrs old and with the length of the comment thread I don’t think I’ll live long enough to check the whole thing out.)

    • Lizzietish81

      What comments?

  • Incoming Ham

    She is not a slut, not a “fallen woman”, she is a *media whore* – which has nothing whatsoever to with her sexual activities or morals. This is all part of the show.

    • sw19womble

      She is a slut, based on her and her fellow neocons’ definition of one.
      Of course, if she lived in a more progressive and loving world, she wouldn’t be considered one, and probably wouldn’t have gotten herself into this mess (twice) in the first place.

      • chicken thief

        Twice. Or maybe the third.

        • Lilbooms

          Or five or six.

    • Greg Comlish

      As the Palins like to say “Hey, it worked the first time” aka “Keep Fucking that Chicken”

  • calliecallie

    There’s not any point in commenting on this, if wonkette allowed comments, because there’s already so many…but really, isn’t karma a bitch?

  • God must be a Boogie Man.

  • Ryan Denniston

    The best part of this story is that the family is disappointed. Because now Sarah thinks she can no longer be President. It’s sad when you think about it, except for it happening to the Grifter Queen.

  • wryawry

    It’s that age-old pee-pee in the va-jay-jay thing …..

  • Brewerofbeers

    Once again, abstinence-only “works.”

  • malsperanza

    I am looking forward to Bristol handling with dignity and grace the raving hatred, slut-shaming, and attacks on her mother that will be spewing forth from Fox News any second now, just like they would do if one of the Obama daughters got pregnant. …

    Oh, wait …

  • Mavenmaven

    Tripp and Oopps

    • Portia Elm

      Oops One and Oops Two? Fool me once…(if I pull out, it won’t happen)?

    • Platos_Redhaired_Stepchild

      Tripp and Slipp

  • zerosumgame0005

    is it time to change Bristol’s name to “Roundheels”?

    • zerosumgame0005

      sorry, that is old guy words for slutty-slut-slut! for all you sucky Millennials :P

    • chicken thief

      She strikes me as the type that you don’t even need to bother learning her name.

  • malsperanza

    So is Bristol going on Jerry Springer with Dakota and the other BF and doing the Baby Daddy Test Reveal thing? I hear Springer pays like $100 for that.

    • Zyxomma

      Maury Povitch moved the whole dog’n’phony show to CT, so there would be no chance of my running into her and laughing uncontrollably.

    • Reximus

      not enough room onstage for all the potential baby-daddies

  • fawkedifiknow

    Will Todd be gettin’ out the shotgun and looking up that Dakota feller?

    • Matthew 6:5

      Does she even know who the father is?

      • A Big Sarcastic Fairy!

        Yes, she got knocked up by unknown father, you know… magic.

  • chicken thief

    “…and I know I am fully capable of handling anything that is put in front of me with dignity and grace.”

    “In any orifice,” Brizdull added.

  • Jonathan Lawson

    Dignity Grace Palin?

  • ottercliff

    It’s an immaculate conception.

  • Portia Elm

    It’s like she thinks this is some kind of thing someone else did, and she is collateral damage!

    “I know I am fully capable of handling anything that is put in front of me with dignity and grace.”

  • TS Idiot

    She sure loves to talk about abstinence, but at this point I don’t really think she knows what it means.

    • AndreWaters20

      She doesn’t let anyone mess with her butt-hole.

  • Lady Bug

    Yes, but now Bristol can get gay married!! Mozel Tov Bristol!

  • Marie

    All should mind their own business. Let God watch her’s. Not picking sides in this. Just saying…

    • God sure does watch a lot of unmarried sexytime business then, eh?

    • smr06va

      The abstinence lecturer? Get real……………………….go troll elsewhere, Swillow…………….

      • Marie

        You know, I said I was not picking sides…..so may, God Bless you in ways you can’t imagine….Smile Big….smr06va…..I don’t have a clue what a swillow is so it doesn’t hurt.

        • smr06va

          GO BLESS YOURSELF………………

    • Well, she did splash it all over the internet to be discussed, so…

      That, and she makes cash hand over fist by lying to adolescents about pretty serious matters. She actively espouses things that can have lifelong, serious health consequences, like not using condoms. She uses her position in the public eye to smear upstanding, decent people because they happen to be gay, or have safe sex outside of wedlock. And she just told the whole damn world that her child (Possibly, children) is a burden and a disappointment, which is a) very sad for her, and b) very sad for that child, when he/she comes of age and finds out about this.

    • Egret1

      Perhaps we should stop focusing on her but instead use her as reason number 750 to get rid of those damn abstinence-only education programs and replace them with comprehensive sex education programs and other programs that actually work.

    • laytonian

      *hers

  • Magic Juan

    If she’d abstain from straight sex and switch to gay sex (either with women or just in the butt) she wouldn’t have to worry about getting pregnant…duhhh!

  • litbrit

    If she weren’t such an insufferable, dishonest scold, telling other young women that she was remaining celibate until marriage and they should too, slamming President Obama for accepting his daughters’ friends’ gay parents (she actually “wrote” that children need a mother AND a father, hahahaha…), I might feel a bit sorry for her. Being pregnant is tough, even when you really wanted to be pregnant, and I honestly doubt she wanted this. But she and her awful mother and their political ilk want to deny other women, women who don’t have their money and white privilege, the right to make their own choices about unplanned pregnancies. Hell, they would deny women access to birth control, and many of them have made plenty of inroads toward that goal. So fuck her. Until she has the courage and grace to say, “Everything I said was obviously untenable and unrealistic, I realize that, and I’m sorry. I’m lucky to be able to choose to stay pregnant and have this baby, because I can afford to take the time off [whatever work she was doing] and raise it. And I also realize that other women who, like me, have sex outside of marriage are not evil but just normal, healthy human beings who need access to birth control and other reproductive freedoms. And I’m sorry.”….well, I’d feel a whole lot more charitable toward her. Because, as I said, pregnancy is difficult and childbirth is painful as hell, even as you wind up with this amazing little human at the end of it. In short, the mother in me would like to wish her well, but the rational human being in me despises her hypocrisy.

    • Chuck

      I agree. Her writing says she’s bordering on completely despondent over this. She and her family make it hard to have any sympathy for them as they’re just such disgusting people. But she should rejoice with the knowledge that she still (for now) has a “choice”. Good luck with doing it privately though now that she’s plastered this all over the internet.

  • Jack Ryan

    Not that I really care, but just who is the Father? And don’t these Ice Hillbillies know what a frickin condom is??

    • Chuck

      I’m guessing it’s the ex. Poor guy, he almost made it out. He’s gonna be a Palin forever now. Sucker.

      • Jus_Wonderin

        He probably wished he was just a sucker, now.

      • Jack Ryan

        Maybe the ex found out that it is not his. Makes sense why he’d call the nuptials off.

        • Chuck

          Ouch. Funny.

    • Santana999

      Sure they do. It’s the thing you put the meth in before you shove it up your butt so the cops don’t find it.

    • A Big Sarcastic Fairy!

      Condoms are those things that them “LIBRALS’ use. We ice hillbillies rely upon God.

  • UnsaltedSinner

    Abstinence – how the fuck does it work?

    • That_got_me_thinking

      It doesn’t.

      Exhibit A: Bristol Palin

      • Mehmeisterjr

        Well in my case, it does work.

        Exhibit A: I didn’t knock up Bristol Palin.

  • Steverino247

    As for paternity testing…
    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Aboe6tygXLg

  • tinker12

    Know what they call people who are taught abstinence only? Parents.

  • Mehmeisterjr

    If God The Father really is The Father in this case, then he should learn to keep it in His pants. This story is beginning to resemble horny Zeus in the Greek myths.

    • Mintie

      There was some ‘tang even Zeus wouldn’t touch.

  • Jus_Wonderin

    WHITE TRASH.

  • YayConspiracy

    Bristol, please, try and think this through for a moment. It looks like this advice of yours, abstain from being stained, doesn’t work. Maybe that whole God-stuff isn’t working either. Just imagine there’s no heaven and no hell. Feels better, right?

  • BeliTsari

    Do this mean, she gonna be on the $5 bill now? She’s sorta the nicklebag blessed virgin after all?

    • Beaumarchais?

      It’s the biggest bill she’s ever seen!

      • BeliTsari

        Well, her mom’s PR agency… for getting her booked onto “Dances With The Stars?”

  • gingerland62

    I am so hoping American Sniper is not the father, hence the break up. This could make it to Maury.

    • Mintie

      That was my first thought, too! “Aha! So THAT’S why they broke up! That shameless hussy!”

    • O4FSake

      He must be shooting blanks and could not have fathered the baby.

    • laytonian

      Dakota Meyer is not “American Sniper”.
      That’s Chris Kyle, who thought it was a GREAT idea to take mentally-ill/PTSD to shooting ranges. At least, of course, until one of them turned their gun on him and shot him dead.

      • Guest

        Yeah, the sniper got snuffed. Brilliant idea, wasn’t it?

        • cessnadriver

          A little hillbilly psychotherapy. I did get some facebook posts from people who thought the sniper was a brilliant guy warning people not to blow off fireworks around veterans. They are far too stupid to understand the hypocrisy.

      • gingerland62

        I know who he is…snark

  • PLAINTOM

    Until there is a paternity test to prove otherwise, I am assuming Josh Duggar is the baby daddy and that is why Dakota called off the wedding :)

    • Santana999

      Nah, only Chuck Norris can impregnate a woman with his finger.

  • Mintie

    “At the end of the day there’s nothing I can’t do with God by my side”

    So either her god is not by her side, or even with him, she’s unable to keep her legs together.

    • Santana999

      If God was at her side, wouldn’t that qualify as a threesome?

      • Mickey Donovan

        An unholy trinity.

        • Diz

          two comments above = a tweet

    • A Big Sarcastic Fairy!

      she spread her legs for God.

      • Mintie

        If that’s true, then her god’s taste in women has gone way down hill in the past 2000 years. We may need to stage an intervention. Someone call New Pope, stat.

  • Greg Comlish

    Now she is twice as qualified to lecture us about abstinence.

  • Greg Comlish

    I need to stand up and take the blame for this one. I keeping praying to God to help me stop, but I just can’t stop fucking sexually-repressed bimbo lunatics. My dick just loves crazy pussy. Needless to say, condoms are an affront to God, so I’m not really sure what the solution is. Anyway, best of luck to Bristol and her new child. I’ll be rooting for them both.

  • YayConspiracy

    A poster child for abstinence.

  • kahunabear

    Gotta love the internet. My screen above has been populated with ads for wedding rings, even a “unisex” ring.

    “It’s a realistic goal for myself,” replied Bristol.

    Uh, me.

  • Judith Ryan Graff

    I think she was cross pollinated by a bee – she’s just that clueless. Oh wait, I apologize to the bee.

  • RevZafod

    And for #1268, a nail in the coffin. Her slogan could be: “Do as I say, not as I screw.” A fitting epitaph.

  • sierraseven

    Her older brother’s name is Track … her little brother’s name is Trig … her son’s name is Tripp … Dakota Meyer took one look at that positive pregnancy test and said, “Trap!”

    • backell

      I was gonna go with “Trick.”

  • backell

    Honestly, I’ve been trying my hardest to keep my chin up on this one.”

    Keeping your chin up isn’t how celibacy works, dear girl; it’s keeping your legs crossed which does the trick.

    • CHLeclectos

      Aspirin between the knees, so I’ve heard.

      • A Big Sarcastic Fairy!

        Or a pessary.

  • r€nato

    Psst, Bristol… two words. Anal Sex.

    • wingr47

      BJ

    • r€nato

      I posted that comment on her FB page, going out to run an errand now. I bet it’s taken down and I get banned well before I return home :-)

  • Bowser Faust

    Time to defund Unplanned Parenthood.

  • John Norris

    Coming this fall on the TLC Channel: Two Kids and Counting1

  • Carol Smith

    I think that Joey junker is the father! Wanna bet? She had been with him and suddenly was engaged to Meyer whom she hardly knew. Maybe Junker wouldn’t marry her and she quickly latched onto Meyer. I think she was pregnant with Junker before she announced the engagement .

  • stu elman

    Anyone know if 2nd kid’s father is same as 1st kid’s father?

    • Gladys Happybutt

      Don’t be silly! Bristol kids each have different babby daddy!

  • Guest

    Well let’s see: she’s too old to be on Teen Moms. She’s not getting married, so she can’t Say Yes To The Dress. She can’t sing; so no American Idol. She’s too tall for the Little Couple… I guess that leaves Meet The Press.

    • Platos_Redhaired_Stepchild

      Faux News. She’s a narrow minded hypocrite so she’s perfect for them.

    • cessnadriver

      A bottle of Clarol and she’s in at faux.

    • EmmettGrogan

      Does anyone even watch Press the Meat any more?

  • A Big Sarcastic Fairy!

    Is she trying to be a Duggar? Get her spayed for fucks sake.

    • David Pierre

      Oh God no. That would require some sibling molestation. Track has a kid (via ex-wife) and the only other on that’s legal is her sister Willow.

  • LB City Girl

    I actually question if she really is pregnant. It seems like a classic plot twist straight out of the trailer park: a faux pregnancy designed to regain Dakota Meyer’s affections.

  • fifthdentist

    I think with the Sarahcuda getting kicked off Fox “news” they needed a big thing to happen to stay relevant
    It was either this or Todd becoming a woman.

  • fifthdentist

    Yeah, this is all fun and games to some of you people.
    But this is serious!
    When are we going to talk about what really needs talking about: The pool to guess what North Country Hillbilly name this child will be stuck with?
    I’ve got dibs on “Crash.”

    • AndInThisCorner

      I bet girl, and her name will be Fall….. Like the season obvs!!
      Tripp and Fall… So perfect..

      • BuffaloGal

        If we’re working along with Tripp’s name, I’m going with TheLightFantastic. (and with those caps. i like it. )

      • Charlotte Johnson

        That’s funny but perfectly fitting. That’s probably how she got pregnant, she tripped on her underwear, and fell on a d*** that was just lying there. America loves getting ripped off by so called celebrities. Her mother didn’t have sense and ran for Presidential Office, and people were stupid enough to invest money in a daughter who proved to be a slut and liar just like her mother. I guess the apples don’t FALL to far from the tree.

      • cessnadriver

        The Talibunny did admit that she gives her kids joke names. Because kids are a joke, doncha no.

  • John Francis Paterimos

    I’m picking the name, ‘Pearl Necklace’…’cause if she had gotten a Pearl Necklace, she wouldn’t be having another baby…….

  • Charlotte Johnson

    Another site claims it’s from a black man. I bet she names it Darkness. Something she is definitely left in.

    • cessnadriver

      It would explain the weird way they called off the wedding.

      The Talibunny family needs to hire someone who can create lies that don’t sound totally stupid.

    • David Pierre

      I believe I can speak for all black men by simply quoting this song: “It wasn’t me.”

  • E.F. Coleman

    Nasty trailer park trash family, calling the Obamas bad parents because of the clothes their beautiful classy Daughters wore to a White House event.
    Sit down and take care of your planned disappointment, quietly.

  • mikeland1000

    Oh the turds we have seen.

    http://wikisend.com/download/190076/#Current.iim
    Then load into Imacro for Firefox.

    It votes down Cessnadriver more than 100 times for posted comments.

  • Norman Dostal

    shes a vile slutty wh*re

    • David Pierre

      Hey! Hey! Don’t insult the slutty wh*res. They’re not out there preaching abstinence, least of all, for money.

  • MsDiva68 .

    Don’t like Palins, but the immaculate conception is not what you think it is. It refers to Mary’s conception without original sin. It has nothing to do with the virgin birth.

    • EmmettGrogan

      Ah yes, the Immaculate Deception.

  • Brenda Jo Rodgers

    Sarah is hell bent on being in the White House. She is like the Energizer Bunny, she takes a licking from the public but keeps on talking…..everywhere and to anyone who listens.

  • Stein Olsen

    If Bristol and Josh Duggar was in the same room, it would implode into a hypocritical singularity.

  • Toriano Walker

    her whorishness is a direct response to her insane moms rhetoric..must drive her mom nuts

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