Wingnuts React To Charleston Church Shooting With Thoughtful Gravitas We've Come To Expect

Our headline is a flat-out lie. Wednesday night in Charleston, a white gunman identified as Dylann Storm Roof allegedly sat and prayed with black churchgoers at a bible study for an hour, and then opened fire, killing nine people, including the pastor, Clementa Pinckney, who was also a South Carolina state senator. As he continued to shoot, a survivor reports that Roof said, "I have to do it. You rape our women and you’re taking over our country. And you have to go.” Unless this particular church has a reputation for raping our women and taking over our country, that sure sounds like a hate crime, and we don't mean against Christians.

Oh, but not for wingnuts, for whom it's just far too soon to say! The therapist's couch at "Fox & Friends," of course, knows that this probably was an attack on Christians and not about race. Perhaps the black parishioners recently failed to bake a cake for some gays.

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Travel with us to Dead Breitbart, where John Nolte is right pissed off at Salon's suggestion that "white America" might need to weigh in on this, perhaps do some soul-searching:

With a manhunt still underway for the person responsible for the massacre 9 people in a Charleston, South Carolina church, already the Left is exploiting the shooting deaths of nine innocents to further their political agenda.

The manhunt is over now, as CNN reports the suspect was taken into custody in North Carolina. But Nolte is, of course, an asshole, because the only "political agenda" here is that people shouldn't be able to fucking murder congregants at church, or children at an elementary school. In another piece, Nolte gets right to the heart of why his hands are down his pants today, because he knows people are going to try to use this to take away hispenis gunsame difference:

Justin Miller, a senior editor at the left-wing Daily Beast, has yet to issue a Tweet of any kind calling for prayers or condolences for the victims of last night’s horrific shooting at Emanuel AME, a historic black church in Charleston, South Carolina. Miller has, however, already fired off a series of tweets advancing his left-wing political agenda.

Already, Miller is exploiting the deaths of nine innocent people to attack “barbaric” America and guns.

And this had nothing to do with guns. Sure, Roof used a gun to murder the people, but he could have just as easily used a knife, an Obamaphone, or any of the other murdering implements featured in Clue, the board game. For the record, Miller merely pointed out that the "[g]unman killed more people last night in America than every ISIS wannabe." This is unacceptable to Nolte, because if ISIS isn't a threat to America, then why has he ruined every pair of underpants his mom sewed his name into, by shitting into them over ISIS?

We will give Nolte credit for one thing, though, as he is calling the murders an act of terrorism, and wingnut Ben Shapiro agreed with him!

All right, fuck Breitbart, let's check out Tucker Carlson's internet home for gay potty panic, The Daily Caller. 

A former Obama administration official wasted no time in politicizing a shooting at a black Charleston, S.C. church that left nine people dead.

Brandon Friedman, the former deputy assistant secretary of public affairs at the Department of Housing and Urban Development, posted a tweet shortly after the Wednesday night shooting linking it to South Carolina Gov. Nikki Haley’s defense of flying the Confederate flag outside of the South Carolina statehouse.

What Haley’s defense of allowing the flag to continue flying has to do with Wednesday night’s shooting is unclear.

Well shit, let's think about it. The Confederate Flag is a sad relic of racist shitbag losers (I'M A WHITE SOUTHERNER, COME AT ME BRO) that represents a time when black folks were bought and sold by white people. That's the only "heritage" it's about. Flying the flag of a failed traitor nation what got its racist pussy ass kicked in the Civil War contributes to a climate where black folks are viewed as Less Than.

All right, fuck the Daily Caller, let's visit the second stupidest man on the internet but first stupidest in our hearts, Jim Hoft, AKA Gateway Pundit. We were almost worried he would disappoint, as he did refer to the gunman as a "racist," but we get a sense that, for wingnuts, referring to Roof as a racist helps them separate themselves from their own racist ways. They might bitch about "the nigras" around the dinner table, but they're not gunning them down at church, praise Jesus!

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 Hoft points out that many of Roof's Facebook friends are black, which IS odd, if the Facebook page is in fact real. He also joins in the Two Minutes Hate against Brandon Friedman, for daring to suggest that the Confederate Flag is evocative of hate and lynching and stuff like that. But, amidst his typically ambulance-chasing-style blogging, Hoft took the time to post the REAL headline on this story:

Hoft added, "That ought to calm things down." He didn't even have to say what he was thinking, because all of his wingnut commenters know that Al Sharpton is a race-baiting whitey-hating blackity-black, and he's gonna go down to Charleston to MAKE THIS ABOUT RACE. Are we exaggerating about how stupid the typical Gateway Pundit reader is? Judge for yourself:

Al The Race-Baiting-Rat and his Race-Baiting-Buddy in the White House will be busy over the next few days with their Race-Baiting-Media-Clowns joining in this Endless Circus.

Another commenter added that "A brutha be habbin dem taxis ta pay, he gots ta be collecting dem duckets!" We don't know what that means, but we assume it works better when the commenter is wearing full blackface. We could play in Hoft's comments section for days, but we just read one that says "Hopefully the shooter comes back for him," and now we want to curl up in a ball and ask God why Kaili made us go look at what wingnuts have to say about this senseless tragedy.

We anxiously await Bill O'Reilly's reporting on this tonight, as we are dying to know whether or not this was the first salvo in 2015's War On Christmas.

[ Breitbart / Daily Caller / Gateway Pundit ]