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Ready for her close-up

  • In our noble and oh-so-exceptional country, panels of men explain how ladies and their parts work, “not a scientist” politicians teach us about science and how it’s all fake anyway, and people who think we’re the U.S. of Jesus tell Jews how to be do Being A Jew correctly. So this sounds about right and exactly what we deserve. Black-but-actually-not Rachel Dolezal — who identifies as black because she really hates whitey (read: her parents, and they’re not the boss of her!) — can’t be president of the Spokane chapter of the NAACP anymore, so maybe she can be a reality TV star! It is the career choice for anyone who has failed at reality life. (See, for example, every reality TV star ever.)

    NAACP race faker Rachel Dolezal stepped down from her job Monday, but RadarOnline.com has learned she already has a new gig in the works: Dolezal is fielding multiple offers to film a reality show, and is seeking professional representation after her bombshell interview on the Today show. […]

    “Rachel wants to use all of the publicity to raise awareness about race relations,” the source said.

    Wow, if only there were some black woman somewhere in America, willing and able to raise awareness about race relations. Oh well, guess not, so Dolezal, who used to be a white lady who got reverse-racismed, before she became a black lady who got old fashioned-style racismed, will have to do it. For her people. And the struggle, man. Race is only a social construct, after all, but fortune and fame? That shit is for real. And this way, maybe America will at long last be willing to watch a black woman talk about race. As long as she’s white.

  • Did you have a happy fun time laughing at Donald Trump’s YOOOOOGE announcement Tuesday that he’s running for president, for real this time? We sure did. Sooooo many good jokes, but here’s one we liked a whole lot, and you will too, probably:Screen Shot 2015-06-16 at 3.48.32 PM
  • NASA says it’s not just California that’s running out of water, it’s the whole world! Don’t you feel better now?

    The world’s largest underground aquifers – a source of fresh water for hundreds of millions of people — are being depleted at alarming rates, according to new NASA satellite data that provides the most detailed picture yet of vital water reserves hidden under the earth’s surface. […]

    Scientists had long suspected that humans were taxing the world’s underground water supply, but the NASA data was the first detailed assessment to demonstrate that major aquifers were indeed struggling to keep pace with demands from agriculture, growing populations, and industries such as mining.

    “The situation is quite critical,” said Jay Famiglietti, senior water scientist at NASA’s Jet Propulsion Laboratory in California and principal investigator of the University of California Irvine-led studies.

  • Speaking of the golden state, the voters of Santa Clarita, California, should be pleased to know the Republican they elected to represent them in the state legislature is hard at work on their behalf:Screen Shot 2015-06-16 at 3.57.49 PMHahahaha, isn’t democracy hilarious? Boy, legislating time sure does pass when you’re busy liking Justin Bieber and playing Farmville! Don’t worry, his vote didn’t have any real effect, though, because Democrats passed it anyway. More importantly, though, he was allowed to change his vote, for the record, to oppose a budget for his state. Isn’t that so much better?
  • Our friends at Happy Nice Time People are doing some kind of experiment with boobs. Yeah, you’ll want to click that.
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