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The classiest, most bee-yooo-tiful sign at Trump Tower

Decrepit sewer vulture Donald Trump finally answered our years of prayers to the comedy gods by announcing he will run for president in 2016. The mogul-shaped puddle of feral rat spooge made the announcement from the yoogest, classiest skyscraper ever constructed by man, Trump Tower in New York City. And yr Wonkette, tired of summering in Connecticut like a drunken dilettante in a Cheever story, thought attending this laugh-fest would be a nice way to spend a morning. Come, let us squint through the glare of the Trump Tower lobby’s miles of marble and gold flake together.

Let the fun begin!

The Trump press office had ignored our email requesting media credentials, so of course we’re not on the list. We are set to pretend to be shocked, but the pretty young thing at the check-in table (there are lots of pretty young things working for Trump walking around) takes our word for it that we’re from the political blog Wonkette, which we have to spell for her. Twice. She hands us a pass on a lanyard and has a bored-looking security guard lead us to the press area.

Free swag!

We’re crammed into this space at the bottom of an atrium in Trump Tower. The first person we recognize is ace Breitbart cub reporter Matthew Boyle. Must be some Dominican hookers nearby! Matt is wearing a tie and blazer. We’re feeling seriously underdressed.

Ed Schultz is also here, apparently upset because the Trump Ice Cream Parlor is closed and hoping there is another branch on an upper floor.

A fellow Maury H.S. alum! Hi Ed!

Meanwhile there are dozens of Trump fans, all wearing T-shirts reading “Trump: Make America Great Again!” lining the halls. We’re betting there are as many media people here as members of the public. And yet Trump is out-polling Marco Rubio in New Hampshire. Go figure.

Trump loves America! And America loves Trump!

By the way, the pre-speech music assaulting our eardrums? “Memories.” Inspiring! And keeping with Trump’s theme of “America sucks, but I’ll lead us back to the light.”

Trump progeny Ivanka Trump comes to the podium to introduce her father, and a forest of Burberry-clad arms sprouts in the atrium as everyone holds up their phones to snap pictures. We can see nothing, so we just hold up our own phone and hope for the best. We end up with an image that is either Ivanka or her Madame Tussaud statue melting in the sun. Curse our stubby legs.

Pretty much how we see everything by closing time...what's that? It's not even noon?

Then The Donald himself is here, walking onstage to the strains of “Rockin’ in the Free World.” Someone get Neil Young’s lawyer on the line.

Trump is wearing a red power tie and an American flag lapel pin. From this distance, his infamous toupee looks tame, but his eyebrows are so bushy, Simba could be hiding in them, waiting for a herd of unwitting gazelles to wander by. If that’s not a metaphor for Trump running for president, we don’t know what is.

The speech is vintage Trump bullshit. The Japanese are beating us. And the Chinese. And the Mexicans, who are swarming across our border like little brown locusts. Scary and weirdly colored foreigners stealing all our jobs, and money and oil is a huge theme of this speech, though Trump assures us he loves the Chinese and the Saudis who buy apartments in Trump Tower. So let that be a lesson to Mexican migrants: Get some money if you want Donald Trump’s seal of approval.

White supremacy dressed up in a tailored suit and surrounded by acres of expensive marbled luxury is still white supremacy.

The sign on the podium sounds about right.

If the speech seemed long on television, we can assure you it felt interminable while crammed into the press pen. There is no way this man is a serious candidate for president, but he is pretending otherwise so the assembled members of the Fourth Estate have to pretend right along with him. We hear some laughter and see some eyes roll, but mostly everyone seems bored as they type on their phones or scribble in their notebooks.

Ink-stained wretches

Then, mercifully, it’s over. We join the shuffle of ink-stained wretches toward the escalator that will take us back up to street level and blessed freedom. Only a security officer stops us. The Trump family is walking down the short hallway, heading for a nearby elevator. The women are impossibly thin and blonde, and the older sons are so oily they look like they just climbed out of a derrick in the Bakken oil fields.

Then there is the great man himself, pausing to shake a few hands and throw us some thumbs-up. He’s in his element: All the attention of the press and the public, of several cable nets, this whole day is about him, the shyster real-estate developer gone big time. He and his family get into a private elevator, cordoned off behind a wall of security, and then they are gone, headed off to the campaign trail.

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  • BadKitty904

    “Gold fake” is putting it pretty mildly, I’d say…

  • WIDTAP

    The “Squeeee!” from the late night comedians is deafening. Jon Stewart is canceling his retirement, Seth Meyers has just volunteered to do all future White House Correspondence Dinners, and Bill Maher now believes that there is a God.

  • beatbort

    The clown car is officially full now. If any more clowns arrive, we’ll have to send in Stephen Sondheim.

    • elviouslyqueer

      No no. Orly Taitz hasn’t declared. Yet.

      • BadKitty904

        And Michele Bachmann has been suspiciously quiet…

        • dslindc

          Probably shoving a corndog down her throat somewhere.

          • BadKitty904

            Hmm…

          • YourMom

            Wishful thinking?

          • elviouslyqueer

            Uninstalling Grindr from Marcus’s iPhone for the 98th time, more like.

          • Celtic_Gnome

            Cramming! Republicans always cram.

      • chicken thief

        What about Bobby Jindal? We are still anxiously awaiting the official announcement from Bobby Jindal!

        ~ Bobby Jindal

        • Thaumaturgist

          Bobby has to clear the deal with Grover Norquist, who is the co-governor and top bookkeeper of Louisiana.

          • SullivanSt

            Grover Norquist will not emerge for some time yet from his morass of self-pity over his betrayal by the Kansas GOP.

      • YourMom

        Orly is too busy suggesting that the Obama girls aren’t the real children of the Obamas. New explosion of right wing idiocy on that one…

        • ThatDale

          ?? Really?

  • Mavenmaven

    His ideas are as “serious” as all the other Republican candidates, I mean, how different is Trump from the Koch brothers?

    • BadKitty904

      He’s shorter and stupider, for starters…

      • Zippy

        He’s shorter

        especially his fingers…

        • PsycWench

          The Koch brothers have never been labeled by the late Spy magazine as “short-fingered vulgarians”.

          • anniegetyerfun

            To the best of my knowledge, they have also never declared bankruptcy.

          • HuddledMass

            I thought it was “fat-fingered vulgarian?” Have I been misquoting this whole time? Pshhht.

          • Thaumaturgist

            But Camada calls Ted Cruz the slick fingered Calgarian.

          • BadKitty904

            Yet.

      • Amy!

        Most tellingly … he has less money.

    • SullivanSt

      Hasn’t yet realized the puppet and the operator are supposed to be distinct?

  • Jen_Baker_VA

    First Palin using American girl, then this guy using Neil Young
    The…the irony…it hurts and stings…and is so painful *thrashes in agony*

    • beatbort

      Added irony because Neil Young is Canadian

      • calliecallie

        Well, Palin was from Alaska, so it’s almost the same thing. Nothing but Canada between her and Putin’s waking eye.

        • Tony Alexander

          as he rears his head ;-)

        • Vienna Woods

          Check the map- it’s Alaska what stands between us and Russia.

          • chicken thief

            Depends on the route.

      • Jen_Baker_VA

        NO, no MOAR *flails*

      • ButIKnowWhatILike

        That’s right – Ted Cruz should be using it!

    • SnarkTank

      Also ironic: Like Uncle Ronny Ray-Gun (who didn’t understand Springsteen’s “Born In the USA”), The Donald and his staffers have never actually LISTENED to the song they stupidly tried to use without permission. “Rockin’ In the Free World” is not exactly about how great capitalism and the free market are.

      • mtn_philosoph

        I see a woman in the night
        With a baby in her hand
        Under an old street light
        Near a garbage can
        Now she puts the kid away, and she’s gone to get a hit
        She hates her life, and what she’s done to it
        There’s one more kid that will never go to school
        Never get to fall in love, never get to be cool.

        Keep on rockin’ in the free world,
        Keep on rockin’ in the free world
        Keep on rockin’ in the free world,
        Keep on rockin’ in the free world.

        -Neil Young, Rockin’ In The Free World

  • elviouslyqueer

    I can’t tell if Donald’s facial expression above is “I’m an insufferably narcissistic megalomaniac” or “I just sharted my pants.”

    • Jen_Baker_VA

      do we gotta choose?

    • Boscoe

      Looked more like: “my sharts are a yooooge and beyootiful symphony, and I’m the conductor! Savor that gorrrrrgeous passage right there you Philistines…”

    • Lady Bug

      A little from column A, A little from column B

    • dslindc

      They are the YOOOOOGEST sharts anywhere!

    • Me not sure

      Are those things mutually exclusive? Can The Donald not multitask?

    • gedjcj

      “I’m an insufferably narcissistic megalomaniac and I just sharted my pants.”

      FTFY

  • Jack_Carter_USA

    Every clown car needs a Bozo.

    • Boscoe

      I thought you were gonna say “muffler”. ;P

      • BadKitty904

        If only…

  • Anarchy Pony

    Parasitic Caterpillar for President!

    • Boscoe

      “America, Be My Human Centipede 2016!!”

  • Dolmance

    So much poetry. Thank you.

  • elviouslyqueer

    Even money says his American flag lapel pin was made in China.

    • Tony Alexander

      same as the rug he’s wearing!

      • mtn_philosoph

        Unlike someone else we (or at least I) know, the creature perched atop The Donald’s head is definitely not of this world.

  • Anarchy Pony

    Gary Legum? I’m pretty sure the ghost of Hunter S. Thompson wrote this…

  • dslindc

    “The speech is vintage Trump bullshit. The Japanese are beating us. And the Chinese. And the Mexicans, who are swarming across our border like little brown locusts.”

    Ooopsie, how embarrassing!

  • Hammiepants

    OMG: The mogul-shaped puddle of feral rat spooge. BRILLIANCE.

  • Repeating this from the other DT article: Yeah, and he just tweeted, “If Hillary Clinton can’t satisfy her husband, what makes her think she can satisfy America?” Ta-daa! Fucking your campaign on the first day!

    • JMPesq

      It’s almost as if he’s not taking the whole running-for-president thing seriously at all.

      • BadKitty904

        Well, no one else is, either, sooo…

    • gedjcj

      Except that happened back in April, and the Donald blamed one of his *ten* social media staff.

      • D’OH!!! Damned intertoobs!!!

  • deanbooth

    This is a high price toupee for democracy!

    • JMPesq

      Now come on; Donald Trump does not have a toupee. What he has is a ridiculous form of comb over, in which he the hair from the back of his head forward and then backwards again, which looks much worse than any hairpiece would.

      • O4FSake

        But it does look real nice when the wind catches it just right.

        • BackDoorMan

          … err…

  • Spotts1701

    He will do for America what he did for the USFL!
    Oh, wait…that ain’t good…

  • Joshua Norton

    All the attention of the press and the public, of several cable nets, this whole day is about him

    • HogeyeGrex

  • Viva La Tabula Raza

    In that one picture of Trump at the podium, I thought it was John Madden.

    • BadKitty904

      Not Ed McMahon?

    • ButIKnowWhatILike

      Trump can only aspire to Madden’s eloquence and quiet dignity.

  • Tony Alexander

    love the hired groupies.

    such signage!

  • Lizzietish81

    Oh hey, that’s just around the corner from my office.

    Didn’t notice anything going on.

    • Ryan Denniston

      I hear the Wonkette pays in dollars.

      • anniegetyerfun

        Last time I checked, it was either whore diamonds or hobo beans.

        • Anarchy Pony

          We’re movin’ on up.

      • SullivanSt

        It’s all about the Hamiltons. Oh, correction: Hamilton.

      • Celtic_Gnome

        Texas gold or GTFO.

    • jviscont1

      you musta missed Meatloaf’s entrance and remarks. Or, was that Gary Busey? the glitterati was blinding.

    • Lizzietish81

      Oh my coworker informs me that there are hundreds of trump towers. Which one was this?

    • JustPixelz

      That’s the kind of American exceptionalism I can appreciate.

    • BackDoorMan

      … maybe that’s because there really wasn’t anything going on?

  • calliecallie

    Comedy gold. There is not on thing about this that doesn’t make me want to just giggle insanely.

  • dslindc

    I guess we all owe Wonkette a cocktail for putting up with that steaming pile in person.

  • JD Mulvey

    Great piece, and I love the “rump” pic especially. Wonkette needs to make Gary their full-time Trump campaign correspondent.

    • Lady Bug

      Don’t torture poor Gary! (and I say poor, because I’m assuming being a writer he’s just one step removed from the poor house).

      • Jen_Baker_VA

        Right? That would be utterly mean. Funny for us, though

      • JD Mulvey

        Are you kidding? It would be the assignment of a lifetime.

    • Anarchy Pony

      He’s going to need a colossal amount of drugs.

      • ThatDale

        That can be arranged if that’s what it takes.

    • Devolutionist

      Please god no.

  • Joshua Norton

    Still the best one…..

  • JustPixelz

    “…summering in Connecticut…”

    It’s too sultry here since the Joe-mentum died.

  • Zippy

    “Today, Donald Trump became the second major Republican candidate to
    announce for president in two days,” DNC press secretary Holly Shulman said
    “He adds some much-needed seriousness that has previously been lacking
    from the GOP field, and we look forward hearing more about his ideas for
    the nation.”

    that’s some serious shade…

  • beatbort

    At last, a serious candidate!

  • JustPixelz

    Real Donald Trump Hair
    @realdthair

    Help! He shoved me up his ass again.

  • Ryan Denniston

    Thanks Wonkette!

  • Joshua Norton

    There’s still an outside chance of him being the nominee, in the case of some freak clown car accident occurring involving the other 2000+ candidates.

    • Spotts1701

      Ah, the King Ralph corollary.

  • docterry6973

    I feel that we’re adrift in insanity.

  • JMPesq

    PAY ATTENTION TO ME!! PAY ATTENTION TO ME!!

    • Villago Delenda Est

      The life story of The Donald.

  • Sasha Grey is photobombing picture four. Not that I know who Sasha Grey is. Shut up.

    • Mehmeisterjr

      She’s someone who has a higher net worth than Donald Trump.

    • Antimassacree

      Ms. Grey wouldn’t go anywhere near the disgusting filth that is and shall be the Trump! campaign. (Heard about some of the things she was willing to do…from a friend.)

  • Msgr_Moment

    Then The Donald himself is here, walking onstage to the strains of “Rockin’ in the Free World.” Someone get Neil Young’s lawyer on the line.

    That’s one short-fingered vulgarian that’ll never be a stooge,
    Never get to be President,
    Never get to be yoooooooooge.

    • Me not sure

      Keep on wankin’ in the free world.

  • Me not sure

    What could go wrong?

    • Gristle McThornbody

      OM! If he’d just part that down the middle he’d have a pageboy bob down past his chin.

      Hmmm, I feel like I should keep going with the whole pageboy thing.

      • Dudleydidwrong

        Bettie Page libelz!!

      • cbts

        I’m picturing the little boy from the old Dutch Boy paint commercials.
        Lead ‘n’ all.
        On the top of ol’ Donald’s head at that lovely center part you mentioned there will be a large perfectly round hairless spot covered in 24 carat gold. You know, mixed with the old Dutch Boy lead paint. People can see it for miles. And miles. From space even. And Russia also too.

    • Boscoe

      Actually, there are more Donald Trump presidential campaigns than US Ebola cases, also too!

  • PsycWench

    If Sarah Palin’s ego and Donald Trump’s ego were locked in a closet together and had to fight to the death to escape, which one would win?

    • BadKitty904

      All of us, Katie…

    • chicken thief

      Trick question. There is no closet big enough to hold either of those egos, let alone both. If they temporarily removed that giant tv, maybe the new Cowboy’s Stadium.

    • Boscoe

      Neither, they’d be so large, they’d squeeze all the air out of the room and they’d both suffocate. Win for the rest of us though. :)

    • O4FSake

      He would not let her mess up his hair.

  • jviscont1

    that the text of Donald at the podium pic does read ‘RUMP’ says it all.

  • Alan Williams

    Jesus H. Christ filing a casino bankruptcy! The only thing The Toupee can say that can shake things up is if he tells his pilot to fly into Trump Tower.

    Now, that would be YOOOOOOOGE!

  • exinkwretch

    Neil Young would stab that sack of shit with his guitar and take a bong rip over his decaying corpse.

    • Tony Alexander

      i’d join in!

  • fawkedifiknow

    Orange Is The New Bullshit.

  • Lizzietish81

    Are Republicans incapable of reading lyrics?

    First Ronnie went with Born in the USA, then we had buffboy saying he liked Rage Against the Machine.

    Now this…

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xBRBQSXsQzw

    • JustPixelz

      Are Republicans incapable of reading lyrics?

      Must be the home schooling.

      • Blank Ron

        You misspelled ‘skoolin.’

    • janecita

      They need something really obvious, like American Idiot, to realize that the song is a protest one.

    • JD Mulvey

      If there ever was a Republican that wrote a decent song, they’d happily use it. Until that happens, they’ll appropriate whatever they can.

      • BehaveYrself

        Well, Huckabee loves that Poopy-Pants Nugent song about a little kitty. So, let’s go with that one and see what happens…

    • Villago Delenda Est

      Stupid is as stupid does. The modern GOP credo.

      Abraham Lincoln, Teddy Roosevelt, and Dwight Eisenhower weep.

    • Anarchy Pony

      KNOW YOUR ENEMY!

    • SullivanSt

      It’s not even as if Neil sings them indistinctly.

    • BackDoorMan

      Let’s face it, when you can’t read (or think) beyond bumper stickers, you start and stop with the song title. It’s like the bills the GOPeens propose – give it a catchy title (“Right To Work”, anyone?) and pay no attention to what’s actually in it.

  • cousin itt

    The post-realist photo of Ivanka expresses the photographer’s tortured soul and crushing angst as he wrestles with the demons of wealth and stupid.

  • Yehudah ben Shlomo

    Trump’s plan to eliminate the national debt: declare bankruptcy on day 1.

  • Joshua Norton

    :All the attention of the press and the public, of several cable nets,
    this whole day is about him, the shyster real-estate developer gone big
    time.

    Now, now Jon….

    • Doug Langley

      I remember that one! Jon was watching Fox News. It was so depressing the bear committed suicide.

  • MrBlobfish

    My neighbor works there for him and loves the guy.

    • BadKitty904

      Avoid said neighbor’s crawl space…

  • LarryHoudini

    I think I can smell his chances!

    • arglebargle

      Methinks that’s not his chances you are smelling.

      • LarryHoudini

        It smells like a crackhead passed out on the subway and shit his pants on the hottest day of the summer. I’m pretty sure those are his chances.

  • Callyson

    Ed Schultz is also here

    Can’t wait to hear what he has to say about this one. Not to mention how much I’m looking forward to seeing Rachel’s show tonight…

    • Vienna Woods

      I may stay up late to watch Jon live. That will be worth it.

  • Wonkaholic

    The RUMP pic is priceless, but hang on to the press pass. You could get good money for it on eBay some day. Or maybe Craigslist. At the very least, some interesting offers on Grindr.

  • janecita

    How can you be so rich, and have such a horrible taste in decoration? It looks like King Midas had diarrhea all over the place.

    • SullivanSt

      When d’you reckon the last time Trump ever spoke with anyone who wasn’t a sycophant was? I’m going with the early 60s.

  • Ghost Buggy

    I’ve never seen the inside of a Trump Tower before. What a horrific place.

    • Villago Delenda Est

      It’s crass beyond the dreams of Midas.

  • chicken thief

    I see The Donald hired him some niggers to pose as supporters. Good job, Trump!

    ~ Tom Burlington

    • Thaumaturgist

      Didn’t he say something about creating jobs?

  • Candy Apple

    I always use Donald Trump as my go-to example of what Narcissistic Personality Disorder looks like.

    • janecita

      I use him as an example of what a bad hair piece on a pompous, entitled asshole looks like.

      • Candy Apple

        That is also a valid example.

        • dshwa

          Lot of Ven overlap there.

  • geoffalnutt

    Here it comes, kids!:

    • Doug Langley

      How well will he adjust to moving into a smaller house?

    • Dudleydidwrong

      Will the slot machines be in the Lincoln bedroom?

  • Portia McGonagal

    Trump Tower was dated and tacky when it was new and it hasn’t aged well. Much like the man for whom it’s named.

  • PigDootsMolloy

    From the NY Daily News (NYC) Voice of the People (letters to the editor) 06.14.2015 :
    A Trump supporter opines ” …in fact, he’s the only candidate with the name recognition, funds and radically superior rhetorical needed to win.” Discuss.
    Open your blue booklets and begin.

    • Villago Delenda Est

      “radically superior rhetorical”

      “You’re fired!” is radically superior rhetoric?

      Oh, and his funds are all borrowed.

    • Mehmeisterjr

      Sorry, I can’t complete the assignment because I left my radically superior rhetorical at home.

  • Steverino247

    The GOP contenders are more like potted plants, than POTUS.

  • PigDootsMolloy

    “…radically superior rhetorical skills…”

  • Relativicus

    I have to share the comment I saw on some other site that allows comments:

    “Will his campaign song be ‘We Shall Overcomb”?

    • Toomush_Infer

      Nope – sticking with that Neil Young song that Bill O Really wrote for the Donald…

  • Villago Delenda Est

    The Donald is a Dumbshit.

    Need I say more?

    • Dee Andee

      No, but please do, I love your comments! :)

      • jmk

        Seconded!!

  • lucidamente

    Figures he chose Bloomsday:

    “Stately, plumb Donald Trump came from the stairhead, bearing a bowl of lather on which a mirror and a razor lay crossed. ‘I don’t need no friggin’ haircut, just a shave.'”

    • jmk

      Trump? Read?? Hahahaha!!

      No, really.. it was his birthday gift to me… nothing to do with Joyce.

  • VandeGraf

    This is a bigger stunt than Evel Kneivel’s jump of the Snake River Canyon! Everyone who is anyone who happened to be walking by was amazed and astounded by it’s sheer girth!

    • Villago Delenda Est

      It’s a bigger stunt than the opening of Al Capone’s “vault”!

      • Thaumaturgist

        But certainly not as big a stunt as the opening of Texas’ vault.

  • JD Mulvey

    Now that Trumpie has finally made good on his threats, it puts him in a bit of a bind. Since there’s less than no chance of him ever getting elected, or even nominated, to anything, ever, today’s official announcement means that he will someday have to deliver a concession speech.

    He doesn’t do “concession” well. Or ever, so far as I’ve seen.

    Can we start speculating now on what sort of asinine, graceless sort of excuses/parting shots he’ll leave us with when the inevitable result comes?

    • Bitter Scribe

      “You’re fired!” addressed to the American electorate.

      • JD Mulvey

        “… and don’t forget to watch the new season of ‘The Apprentice,’ on NBC…”

    • YourMom

      Other repubs are already saying he’ll quit rather than disclose his financials. Pretty much.

      • SullivanSt

        Last guy showed you don’t have to disclose to be nominated. Probably do have to disclose to stand a whelk’s chance in a supernova in the general, though.

        • Notreelyhelping

          And the paper trail’s out there, court and all before hizzoner.

        • bobbert

          Mittens did the financial disclosure forms.

    • Toomush_Infer

      “Because I don’t want to…”

    • Lord-Nash

      “I’m not going to tell you what my concession speech is, because I don’t want to Greta!”

  • Bitter Scribe

    That grinding sound you hear is Reince Priebus’ teeth.

    • Villago Delenda Est

      Good!

  • sundaytrucker

    A Trump candidacy will bring Americans together……to ensure he is never President.

  • Thaumaturgist

    Not surprised Trump is leading Rubio in New Hampster. Trump has lost more money than that piker Rubio ever had.

    • SullivanSt

      Well, of course, Trump has lost more money than 99% of the country ever had or ever will, combined.

    • Mehmeisterjr

      Also, too, no matter how many times the Villagers say it, Rubio does not have anything remotely resembling charisma. He is about as dull as cold potato soup. Trump, as short-fingered, vulgar and ignorant as he is, can put on a show.

      • alwayspunkindrublic

        “Short-fingered”….don’t we normally call those “paws”.

  • Antimassacree

    Not merely “rat spooge”, Trump is a puddle of “feral rat spooge.” A detail sure to be overlooked by the mainstream media.

  • Politics_Nerd

    No wonder TLC does so well televising various American freak reality shows. Because its so much fun to point and laff.

  • CripesAmighty

    The fact that it is mathematically possible for this person to be elected President (and, given the shattering, stupefying, gobsmacking stupidity of great swathes of Exceptional Americans, even plausible), I hereby announce my CripesTheFuckAmighty Get Me the Fuck Outta Here New Zealand Emigration GoFundMe page.

    • Politics_Nerd

      New Zealand seems really pretty. Have you seen … fuck now I can’t remember it (teevee show from NZ which really showed off the landscape.)

      • dshwa

        I’ve been there. It’s beautiful.

      • Dee Andee

        I just remember The Lord of the Rings trilogy. Endless gorgeousness. And I’m not just talking about Viggo Mortensen. ;)

    • Dee Andee

      Unfortunately, the super-rich are trying to buy it so they have someplace to hide when we all riot.
      http://www.theguardian.com/public-leaders-network/2015/jan/23/nervous-super-rich-planning-escapes-davos-2015?CMP=share_btn_tw

    • SFRealness

      They have the most progressive laws on sex work in the world, which is kinda cool.

      • BehaveYrself

        So, you’re saying I can relocate AND find a job?!

  • BillWestern

    Run Donald run! Truly, the Donald is THE BEST the Republicans have to offer. Almost even better sort of (almost) than Dr. Ben. Be honest fellow Wonketteers, do you actually know a single person in your life who would vote for the Donald? If not, it just shows how detached from reality you are!

  • whitroth

    Trump for President? This is Donald “my casino)s) went backrupt, I declared bankruptcy, but I’m still rich, and I can do it to the US, too!!!” Trump?

    Sorry, I think Bush & Cheney did that….

    mark

  • Lazy Media

    Except they’re not heading out on the campaign trail. Trump will show up at a few debates and a LOT of Fox TV gigs, but if you think he’s going to go out and ask Americans for their votes, you must be high. I mean, have you MET Americans? Not classy!

    • gocart mozart

      Americans should be asking Trump if they can give him their vote. Who is the boss here?

    • BehaveYrself

      He got a lot of laughs and cheers at the Steve-the-Cantaloupe’s soiree a few months ago. New Yorkers know this guy’s a fool, but Midwesterners treat him like the icon he wishes he was.

  • SullivanSt

    Somewhat bewildering failure of branding that Obama’s campaigns would never have allowed: the “TRUMP [TRUMP!] MAKING AMERICA GREAT AGAIN![!!! TRUUUUMPPP!!!]” signs are in a sans-serif, all caps font, but the T-shirts are in a serif font with sentence casing.

  • Electric Ukelele Land

    I look forward to the debates. I mean, I’m sure the powers that be will do their best to keep him from meeting their criteria to participate, but nonetheless, I look forward to the debates,

    • Toomush_Infer

      I, too, look forward to the debeetus…

  • Damian Hart

    I love how the one picture has the T blocked and it just says RUMP beneath his…..upper rump.

    • gedjcj

      That was priceless.

  • Mehmeisterjr

    And now The Donald wants Oprah Winfrey to be his running mate! Oprah, hah! He couldn’t recruit Bristol Palin as his running mate. Jonathan Edward Medley would turn him down flat.

  • Doug Langley

    Wow, Trump is off to a bad start. He’s trying to make a good impression, and he CLOSES the ice cream shop????? Should have been free cones for everyone!

    • Dudleydidwrong

      Had to close. He was down to only one flavor: turd with nuts.

  • Dorothy Nelson

    I’d vote for him if he was still in the Bill the Cat’s body.

    • BehaveYrself

      Kudos. And tears. Because this asshole has been around waay to long.

    • D_C_Wilson

      God, I miss Bloom County.

  • ThatDale

    We thank you for your service, Gary.

  • Everhope

    My dear Wonkette Legum

    Was It your legums you were faulting for bad pics? Oh, hahaha. I made funny about a serious non-funny, no not at all funny, thingy about the Chia pet living in the Donald’s tupe running for president.

    This is the greatest political event since Clinton beat impeachment by one vote, the slippery ‘0l dude, and now his dudette may get to go up against the Chia Pet and the Donald. What funsies await all of us jaded citizens: oh, Mr. Legum, could you and your fellow Wonkettes call daily for a one-on-one debate between Mrs. Dudette and The Donald?

    What fireworks, what flame throwing, what sheer after bed-time hi-jinks that could be. I can imagine Mrs. Dudette becoming so enraged by that damn Chia Pet constantly poking its head up whenever The Donald scolds her about Benghazi, Benghazi, Behghaz! Just imagine her flipping off her right high heel shoe and banging the shit out of that Chia Pet when the Donald tells us yet again what a great builder of stuff he is?

    I can hardly contain the excities I feel about all this!

  • Obviously, the GOP has decided skip the presidential campaign this time around and just give it to Hillary. The clown car gets more full every day. It’s all bread and circus (mostly circus) for their base.They own both houses and always will thanks to gerrymandering, pacs, voter suppression and Citizen’s United. Democracy is so over.

  • Objectifer

    Rockin in the Free World??? Not exactly an inspiring ode to Murika. It has a catchy chorus though.

    I see a woman in the night
    With a baby in her hand
    Under an old street light
    Near a garbage can
    Now she puts the kid away,
    and she’s gone to get a hit
    She hates her life,
    and what she’s done to it
    There’s one more kid
    that will never go to school
    Never get to fall in love,
    never get to be cool

  • Notreelyhelping

    Time to pick out some good shoes for tossing. “Not the hair!”

  • Helena Handbag

    A sad joke of a man, with a piece of fiberglass insulation stuck on his head, struggling to remain relevant. And failing spectacularly.

    • BadKitty904

      I thought it was an old carpet sample.

  • sillyclucker

    I think it’s obvious that right wingers don’t want Jon Stewart to leave The Daily Show.

  • kahunabear

    The pretentiousness of this site is deafening. Though Trump is a egomaniacal buffoon, at least he has the balls to speak his mind. Every other political hack in this race is so concerned about offending anyone that they are locked into the same stagnant status quo policies that keep America on a steadily declining path. As bad as he is, he would at least stir things up, which is desperately needed. I really hope the “fourth estate” doesn’t lock him out. I would love to see him light a fire under the rest of the banal dullards.

    • Blank Ron

      Just because he’s willing to speak his mind doesn’t mean he has anything worth listening to.

    • Anarchy Pony

      “The pretentiousness of this site Trump is deafening”

      FTFY

      • kahunabear

        Thanks. Yes, it is. Sad that he is the only chance I see of exposing the chosen ones. And a slim one at that. The press certainly won’t do it. They have already locked in on Bush vs. Clinton a year and a half out. Pitiful. I hoped he could provide a Perotesque slap in the face to the status quo. Unfortunately, his foot is already lodged firmly in his mouth on day one and the sheep are lining up to support one of the royal families. Don’t ask tough questions, just fall in line.

        • Anarchy Pony

          There’s a great deal of people here not on the Hillary train.

          • kahunabear

            Could be, but the machine has already made the choice for the masses who would be challenged to name even one presidential contender.

            Ha, at least Trump has name recognition going for him, which is actually pretty huge in our TMZ world. Who knows? Never underestimate the uninformed. Maybe they will turn out for him if he can frame the election as a spinoff of The Apprentice.

          • Mehmeisterjr

            Hey, I love Trump’s presence. I hope he becomes the candidate with Jim Bob as the Veep running mate. He is an egomaniacal multi-bankrupted nitwit but could create great discomfort among the faithful, especially if the RNC’s decision to cede authority to Fox News holds.

            But I’m not sure what is so pretentious around here. It’s mostly dick jokes. And, without conducting a scientific poll, we would probably prefer Bernie in a perfect world. Also in perfect world, The Donald would be laughed out of court immediately. But it’s not a perfect world. I prefer to laugh at them, when that is possible.

            I hope you’re not sucking me into some kind of troll discussion because at first blush, it sounds like you’re OK but angry.

          • kahunabear

            Not a troll and not angry, just very cynical. Pretentious was the vibe I got from reading the article.Upon rereading it, it’s actually pretty funny. Probably pretentious of me to make the comment as a newcomer.

          • Mehmeisterjr

            Thanks for that. There is a particular wise-ass vibe around here and I lurked for a long time before venturing a comment. Welcome to the club.

          • timpundit

            It’s not ‘pretension’, it’s ‘derision’.

          • Morrigan In Oregon

            aaah (chucks you in the shoulder) it’s O.K. The regulars will whip you into shape in no time, and you will be helping some other poor schmuck that need his snark meter re-calibrated.

          • kahunabear

            Thanks for the welcome! I’m sure you mean that in a good and unsnarky way.

          • JD Mulvey

            How DARE the “machine” make the choice for us by covring the most popular politician in America who is leading all other candidates by 40 points.

          • kahunabear

            Yep, it’s all about name recognition and popularity. They do an excellent job of promoting that. Unfortunately, there is zero time for tough questions or serious dialogue. The decision has been made.

  • D_C_Wilson
    • Mehmeisterjr

      Sue the bastard.

  • Bad Granny

    Are we sure we didn’t send him in undercover to work for us from the inside?

    • Mehmeisterjr

      Define “for us” and “from the inside” of what? Yeah, I know, unfair questions when it comes to The Donald.

    • JD Mulvey

      This is actually not too far from the party line that FOX News is pushing.

      Their position on Trump is that the Democrats and the “lamestream media” are hyping his candidacy in order to make the Republicans look like unserious jackasses.

      (I know, I know… The jokes practically write themselves.)

  • Bren

    Donald, I did you you a nice little campaign poster, if you don’t like it then I guess I’m fired.

    • Doug Langley

      Don’t know about Donald but I love it.

    • Everhope

      Looking closely at the photo on the right you can catch the outline of the Chia Pet masking as the Donald’s peripatetic brain.

  • JD Mulvey

    “He adds some much-needed seriousness that has previously been lacking from the GOP field, and we look forward to hearing more about his ideas for the nation.“
    – DNC National Press Secretary Holly Shulman

    Best… troll… EVER.

  • Dave Francis

    AMERICA NEEDS A HARD MAN AS TRUMP, INSTEAD OF INEPT, WEAK PRESIDENTS AS OBAMA.

    FOR JUST
    BUILDING A WALL BETWEEN THE US/MEXICO HE HAS MY VOTE. A COURAGEOUS HURRAH FOR
    PRESIDENT TRUMP.

    Yesterday,
    Multi-Billionaire Donald Trump’s launched his candidacy for the United States
    Presidency. I listened with great interest in his opening speech, which was a
    little rough around the edges Overall without any thrills he outlined the
    massive financial burden the American people are carrying today. He is probably
    the greatest negotiator our nation has ever seen; who would renegotiate our
    terrible free trade treaties with China, Japan and especially Mexico, where his said “I Would Build the Greatest
    Wall you have ever seen on the Mexican Border.” Adding,
    and make the Mexican government pay for it. ( This would halt illegal
    immigration invasion, which has become a ‘virus’ to our welfare programs, thank to Obama. Trump
    also announced he would place tariffs on any foreign country that didn’t play
    by the rules. Every reader needs to wonder who get paid off for China’s fraudulent manipulation of its
    currency? With the first trade agreement America has been crippled by greed and I
    trust Trump more than any other Pontius Pilot who runs our country.

    Even before
    the requirement by federal disclosure law Trump filed a financial statement
    putting his net worth at nearly $9 billion. This was to me a startling event,
    as few if any Politicians by saying publicly in a statement of his net worth in
    front of a crowd of thousands.

    Trump has no barriers to
    his ability to be President. He is honest, straight to the bare metal speech
    making. He was sincerely effective with
    a stunned audience. In his opening statement, he said “When did we beat Mexico? They’re laughing at us at the
    border,” he said. “The U.S. has become a dumping ground for
    everybody else’s problems. It’s true,” he said, referring to Mexico sending America “drugs, rapists,” and of course
    impoverished people. “It’s gotta stop,” he said, “and it’s gotta stop fast.
    Islamic terrorism is eating up large portions of the Middle East. They’ve become rich. I’m in
    competition with them.”

    Among his other opening
    statements, he addressed the U.S. failing in Middle Eastern policy by
    letting Iran take over Iraq. He reigned in the inept
    negotiators to Iran, who are building a nuclear bomb
    behind our backs; this nation’s loyalty to Israel and defending it from its enemies.
    He indicated America’s gross domestic product was just
    rated as “below zero” and the labor participation rate continues to drag,

    “A lot of people … can’t
    get jobs because China has our jobs and Mexico has our jobs,” he said, referring
    to real unemployment number in the double digits.

    Trump also brought up the
    failures of Obamacare and the disaster of the federal health-care website,
    which he rated as a $5 billion waste.

    “We have a disaster called
    the Big Lie: Obamacare. Yesterday it came out that costs are going up … even up
    to 55 percent. And deductibles are going through the roof,” he said. Trump
    outlined many issues about invented numbers of unemployment by this
    administration and offered the truth.

    WE HAVE THE WORST
    EDUCATIONAL SYSTEM BECAUSE OF COMMON CORE AND WE HAVE A WORLD GRADING OF 27TH
    IN LINE. Our education stinks as our kids cannot get proper schooling, owing to
    massive influx of illegal kids who cannot comprehend English.

    Cries of “We want Trump”
    were sporadic to his issues, from growing excitement in the crowds.

    So, I watch
    the politicians, I’ve dealt with them all my life. … They will never make America great again; they don’t even have a
    chance. They’re controlled fully by the lobbyists, by the donors, by the
    special interests. … Our country needs a truly great leader and we need a truly
    great leader now. We need a leader that wrote the art of the deal, we need a
    leader that can bring back our jobs, can bring back our manufacturing, can
    bring back our military … and we also need a cheerleader.”

    A lot of
    other information was passed along from serious welfare for the men and women
    of the armed forces, making Social Security and medicare solvent again. To me
    he has the best chance as a great President.
    He opened my eyes to the awful major troubles that has befallen us and as
    Independent I will vote for him and so will my family who watched him on cable
    TV.

    The bottom line is any
    Presidential candidate, whether Ted Cruz, Scott Walker, Ben Carson, Bush,
    Huckabee or any of the growing lists are going to need substantial money in
    their campaign chest? But my choice and the growing numbers of potential voters
    have credence in Donald Trump as he needs no crony money and doesn’t even want a
    salary. He is his own man and will stop any more colonization of America by the illiterate, criminal aliens
    who arrive here demanding a free ride.

    Trump cannot be bought like the
    Hillary Clintons and other politicians, who must be provided with donor money
    to survive. Trump doesn’t need ‘Super Pacs’ money that wealthy donors use as
    favors in sweetening many politicians positions in Congress. Trump would be completely isolated from
    bribery that the People are ONLY aware of; that sometimes comes to light.

    It seems to
    me that a greatly successful Entrepreneur and top billionaire businessman
    Donald Trump would be a perfect choice for America as the president. With none of the
    questionable affiliation with the corruption in Washington and the power
    grabbers as the Clinton’s and Bush dynasties, whose unsavory reputation goes
    back to their earliest beginnings as for example Madam Hillary’s law office.
    Whereas Trump has exceptional abilities, to draw America out of its financial crisis and
    that he cannot be brought by insistent mega corporations. Even as this week I watched the secret bribes
    and special interest lobbyists, as the this Pacific Rim free trade agreement goes forward?
    More jobs stolen, lower wages for Americans and an influx of legal immigrants
    on special visas. That’s what Obama and his Executive criminals are doing for
    you, along with the top GOP establishment?

    It would be Trumps commitment to lower the corporate tax, so
    that companies building outside the U.S; returning to manufacture their goods
    in America. That
    includes the auto manufacturer FORD, who was spiriting away a plant in Tennessee to Mexico. By
    cutting the corporate tax rate, at least 2 Trillion dollars would find it
    returning to the U.S from tax havens, a benefit that would spiral the hiring of
    the estimated 35 million unemployed Americans and a decline in food stamps.
    Trump has a tough backbone, a little harsh but cannot be bribed by special
    interests and other foreign benefactors and would reject any issue, which this
    President and his legion of phonies have wrecked the American Economy. He is
    not beholding to the lobbyists and can stop them from tearing this country
    apart. He would stop the ultra Liberal zealots from changing our nation, into
    something Americans could not recognize. Click on Donald Trumps website to read
    his manifesto to return America to
    its greatness at https://www.donaldjtrump.com/

    OH! And the dirt diggers are out in
    force already, as they are afraid, very afraid. They are going to lose their
    money making machines in Mexico,
    Japan, Russia
    and the transnational corporations, and the slime ball that crawls around our
    nation’s capitol. AND DONALD, WATCH YOUR BACK?

  • NotALiar

    Jesus we were so innocent then.

  • Rory O’Brien

    wheres the fart

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