Hurray, Donald Trump has finally given
America Donald Trump what America Donald Trump has always wanted, by running for president of the United Trumps States of Trump America. Since he is perhaps the most ridiculous person to pretend to run for president since the last time he pretended to run for president, we figured why don’t we all sit around the fireplace (probably built by Donald Trump) and tell some funny stories about the dumbest things Trump has ever said, kinda like we would do if he was dead. Let’s go!
1. Remember how Trump took to Twitter while we were all waiting for the Ferguson non-indictment, and helpfully explained that Barack Obama has ruined black presidents forever, by being so bad at presidenting?
2. And Trump knows black presidenting, because Trump is the President of Not Racists. “I am the least racist person there is. And I think most people that know me would tell you that. I am the least racist,” says Trump. The proof? He hired a black guy that one time.
3. Stupid Mitt Romney was so bad at running for president, and Trump (Trump!) should have jumped into the 2012 race for real, so he could have been a better black president than Obama: “I would’ve won the race against Obama. He would’ve been easy.” Yeah, Obama’s the EASIEST. Just build a YOOOGE FENCE around him, like Trump will do with the Messicans. Fence for the Messicans, fence for Obama. EASY.
4. That time a funny internet person tricked Trump into retweeting a picture of a rapist and murderer, who found Trump to be an “inspiration.” Trump threatened to sue, for making him look like a Big Stupid Idiot on Twitter.
5. Speaking of Twitter, Dead Steve Jobs’s yacht is the stupidest yacht out of all the yachts:
6. Guess what’s NOT the stupidest? Donald Trump’s IQ is not the stupidest, it is the S-M-R-T-E-S-T, and if you see it at the urinal you shouldn’t feel bad because it is so YOOOOOOOOOGE and yours looks like a little button:
7. Donald Trump was sitting in his bathtub one night and he made the best four-word sentence in the history of four-word sentences, and it was “Make America great again.” Even some five-word sentences are jealous of that sentence. But then he got mad because Ted Cruz stoled it from him:
“The line of ‘Make America great again,’ the phrase, that was mine, I came up with it about a year ago, and I kept using it, and everybody’s now using it, they are all loving it,” Trump said.
“I don’t know I guess I should copyright it, maybe I have copyrighted it.”
Yeah, maybe he DOES own it. He owns at least half of all four-word sentences, because he bought them, with his Trump! money.
8. Donald Trump is the president of the right English acronym for the Arabic name of ISIS. But stupid Obama is so stupid he can’t even say it right, by putting an “L” where an “S” clearly should be:
And did you ever notice, it’s never ‘ISIS,’ it’s ‘ISIL.’ The only one that says ‘ISIL’ is Obama. He’s the only one. He talks about “ISIL,” everyone else says “ISIS.” He’s got a little reason because there’s a little part of the region — but he’s the only one. Just not a good person and perhaps — go ahead, you can hear it, if you believe it.
Donald Trump: Good at abbreviations, GOOD AT AMERICA.
9. “BECAUSE I DON’T WAN’T TO, GRETA.” This is our favorite Trump quote of all. Greta Van Susteren was asking why Trump wouldn’t share his Super Secret Plan to kill
ISIL ISIS with Obama and America, and that was his answer.
10. That time he knew he would be the best host of “Meet The Press” that could ever exist on any plane of space and time, but he couldn’t because his schedule was booked for the next 10 years:
11. That time Trump got SO MAD at Rupert Murdoch’s New York Post, for lying to America about how many people were at some speech he gave in Iowa:
Yeah, and “standing O” doesn’t stand for “ovation,” it stands for “orgasm,” because Donald Trump is so breathtaking in the flesh that all humans give him standing orgasms when he enters a room. It’s like that scene from When Harry Met Sally, but ladies say “TRUMP!” instead of “GOD!”
12. And finally, how about that time Donald Trump showed us exactly how truly presidential he is, by failing to scream and have a temper tantrum over the fact that a baby was crying during his speech. Any other person in America would have slapped the baby in the face, but not Donald Trump, because he’s READY ON DAY ONE:
“And did you notice that baby was crying through half of the speech and I didn’t get angry? Not once. Did you notice that? That baby was driving me crazy. I didn’t get angry once because I didn’t want to insult the parents for not taking the kid out of the room!”
Yeah, that’s right. He kept his cool because it would have been embarrassing to the baby for Donald Trump to have to say “YOU’RE FIRED!” to the parents, which would cause the baby to develop a jealousy complex over being raised by such Big Dumbs, instead of by Donald Trump, the King Of Babies.
Share your favorite Trump moments in the comments, which are not allowed.
[Thanks to Simon Maloy on Twitter for helpfully tweeting dumb Trump shit all morning. He didn’t even know he was helping us write this post!]