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This is what Donald Trump looks like when he's about to Say A Smart.

Hurray, Donald Trump has finally given America Donald Trump what America Donald Trump has always wanted, by running for president of the United Trumps States of Trump America. Since he is perhaps the most ridiculous person to pretend to run for president since the last time he pretended to run for president, we figured why don’t we all sit around the fireplace (probably built by Donald Trump) and tell some funny stories about the dumbest things Trump has ever said, kinda like we would do if he was dead. Let’s go!

1. Remember how Trump took to Twitter while we were all waiting for the Ferguson non-indictment, and helpfully explained that Barack Obama has ruined black presidents forever, by being so bad at presidenting?

trumpobama

 

2. And Trump knows black presidenting, because Trump is the President of Not Racists. “I am the least racist person there is. And I think most people that know me would tell you that. I am the least racist,” says Trump. The proof? He hired a black guy that one time.

3. Stupid Mitt Romney was so bad at running for president, and Trump (Trump!) should have jumped into the 2012 race for real, so he could have been a better black president than Obama: “I would’ve won the race against Obama. He would’ve been easy.” Yeah, Obama’s the EASIEST. Just build a YOOOGE FENCE around him, like Trump will do with the Messicans. Fence for the Messicans, fence for Obama. EASY.

4. That time a funny internet person tricked Trump into retweeting a picture of a rapist and murderer, who found Trump to be an “inspiration.” Trump threatened to sue, for making him look like a Big Stupid Idiot on Twitter.

5. Speaking of Twitter, Dead Steve Jobs’s yacht is the stupidest yacht out of all the yachts:

trumpjobs

6. Guess what’s NOT the stupidest? Donald Trump’s IQ is not the stupidest, it is the S-M-R-T-E-S-T, and if you see it at the urinal you shouldn’t feel bad because it is so YOOOOOOOOOGE and yours looks like a little button:

trumpiq

7. Donald Trump was sitting in his bathtub one night and he made the best four-word sentence in the history of four-word sentences, and it was “Make America great again.” Even some five-word sentences are jealous of that sentence. But then he got mad because Ted Cruz stoled it from him:

“The line of ‘Make America great again,’ the phrase, that was mine, I came up with it about a year ago, and I kept using it, and everybody’s now using it, they are all loving it,” Trump said.

“I don’t know I guess I should copyright it, maybe I have copyrighted it.”

Yeah, maybe he DOES own it. He owns at least half of all four-word sentences, because he bought them, with his Trump! money.

8. Donald Trump is the president of the right English acronym for the Arabic name of ISIS. But stupid Obama is so stupid he can’t even say it right, by putting an “L” where an “S” clearly should be:

And did you ever notice, it’s never ‘ISIS,’ it’s ‘ISIL.’ The only one that says ‘ISIL’ is Obama. He’s the only one. He talks about “ISIL,” everyone else says “ISIS.” He’s got a little reason because there’s a little part of the region — but he’s the only one. Just not a good person and perhaps — go ahead, you can hear it, if you believe it.

Donald Trump: Good at abbreviations, GOOD AT AMERICA.

9. “BECAUSE I DON’T WAN’T TO, GRETA.” This is our favorite Trump quote of all. Greta Van Susteren was asking why Trump wouldn’t share his Super Secret Plan to kill ISIL ISIS with Obama and America, and that was his answer.

10. That time he knew he would be the best host of “Meet The Press” that could ever exist on any plane of space and time, but he couldn’t because his schedule was booked for the next 10 years:

trumpmeet

11. That time Trump got SO MAD at Rupert Murdoch’s New York Post, for lying to America about how many people were at some speech he gave in Iowa:

trumppost

Yeah, and “standing O” doesn’t stand for “ovation,” it stands for “orgasm,” because Donald Trump is so breathtaking in the flesh that all humans give him standing orgasms when he enters a room. It’s like that scene from When Harry Met Sally, but ladies say “TRUMP!” instead of “GOD!”

12. And finally, how about that time Donald Trump showed us exactly how truly presidential he is, by failing to scream and have a temper tantrum over the fact that a baby was crying during his speech. Any other person in America would have slapped the baby in the face, but not Donald Trump, because he’s READY ON DAY ONE:

“And did you notice that baby was crying through half of the speech and I didn’t get angry? Not once. Did you notice that? That baby was driving me crazy. I didn’t get angry once because I didn’t want to insult the parents for not taking the kid out of the room!”

Yeah, that’s right. He kept his cool because it would have been embarrassing to the baby for Donald Trump to have to say “YOU’RE FIRED!” to the parents, which would cause the baby to develop a jealousy complex over being raised by such Big Dumbs, instead of by Donald Trump, the King Of Babies.

Share your favorite Trump moments in the comments, which are not allowed.

[Thanks to Simon Maloy on Twitter for helpfully tweeting dumb Trump shit all morning. He didn’t even know he was helping us write this post!]

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  • exinkwretch

    Only 12? That was one tough winnowing job. Good work!

  • orygone

    what a freakin clown.

    • Zippy

      FuckFace Von ClownStick

      • HobbesEvilTwin

        1 million upfists! That’s gotta be one of Stewart’s best monikers ever.

        • ButIKnowWhatILike

          I rather think he was being a little too kind there.

  • Oblios_Cap

    Mine was when Jon Stewart took him to task for eating pizza with a fork. Like some kinda fuckin’ furinner.

  • I_Buttle

    “Since he is perhaps the most ridiculous person to pretend to run for president since the last time he pretended to run for president”….two words, Herman Cain. Ha, gotcha, Wonkette!

    • Jen_Baker_VA

      Naw, he trumps Cain

      • Msgr_Moment

        I see a lawsuit. Nobody outridiculizes the Donald!

  • You know who’s presidential runs I miss?

    • arglebargle

      Seamus Romney?

      • Treg Brown

        Thank you…

        • Amy!

          Huh. I thought “Seamus” was a Pink Floyd song.

          That’ll teach me to meddle.

          • Blank Ron

            Obscure Floyd album song reference FTW!

          • CBloom

            Obscured by Clouds Floyd song reference

            FTFY

          • Blank Ron

            Well played. Your point, sir. *bows*

    • elviouslyqueer

      In fairness, TRUMP! gives me the runs. So there’s that.

    • wallydog

      I still have that bumper sticker.

  • fawkedifiknow

    Although we didn’t get to hear him say it live, I still think Trump admitting he was an insolvent dead beat – when he declared BANKRUPTCY – is his finest moment ever.

  • el_donaldo

    Current favorite from today’s speech: Obamacare is a failure because the website cost so much. Trump should know because he has lots of websites. They cost $3.

    Also things he said he has lots off: golf courses, lobbyists. Didn’t say if they cost $3 too.

    • Mary Sandoras

      A $3 website? That could explain all his bankruptcies if he believes they’re charging him three dollars.

      • Zippy

        but Danica Patrick assured him it was so!

  • Zippy
    • cousin itt

      Bamz! Right upside his ferret-covered dome.

    • Villago Delenda Est

      Sweet! Bamz kicks The Donald all over the ballroom.

    • was this the bin laden one?

      • Zippy

        yup

        • Vienna Woods

          “These are the sort of decisions that would keep me up at night.” Best line ever.

    • DemmeFatale

      Taking the Donald to the woodshed like a boss!

  • Kat Anyperson

    Is it possible disdain should die while she hath such meet food to feed it as Signor Trump? Courtesy itself must convert to disdain if he comes in her presence.

    • Villago Delenda Est

      She’ll gorge herself to death on The Donald.

    • Good_Gawd_Yall

      If he comes in anyone’s presence, I DO NOT WANT TO HEAR ABOUT IT.

    • i cannot endure my lady tongue.

  • cousin itt

    “The line of ‘Make America great again,’ the phrase, that was mine,”

    ‘That is my line, it is mine and belongs to me, and I own it and what it is, too.’

    • Villago Delenda Est

      Has he bothered to register it with the patent office?

      • BackDoorMan

        … the Patently Absurd Department has been closed due to budget cuts. He is registered at the Bull In A China Shop however, for the new White Trumphouse Dinner Service. His wife Melanoma picked out the pattern… crudely rendered dollar signs in imitation gold on a background of shit brindle brown. It just screams Trump!

    • Blank Ron

      By D. Trump, [bracket] Miss [bracket.]

    • ahughes798

      Does Ann Elk write his stump speeches?

  • elviouslyqueer

    Share your favorite Trump moments in the comments, which are not allowed.

    ALL OF THEM, GRETA!

    • arglebargle

      Beat me to it. I was wondering if BIDWT,G can become the new AOT,K

      • starfanglednut

        Oops, I should have read down thread before I posted.

        • arglebargle

          Not sure who posted it first. Anyway, great minds think alike. Unfortunately. so do simple ones. Not sure where that leaves us…

          • BackDoorMan

            … we be simply great?

      • starfanglednut

        Oops, I should have read down thread before I posted.

  • LarryHoudini

    He might never be president, but he’ll always be king of the celebrity feud.
    HAIL TRUMP—WHAT A DOUCHE BAG

  • AngryBlakGuy

    …they are going to have to upgrade to a clown bus to fit this fart clouds ego in it

    • Toomush_Infer

      You just gave me intimations of the odor on that bus – I nearly passed out. Thanks so much….

    • Billy Rubin

      As it comes closer to nomination time, they’re going to need a clown woodchipper.

    • Dimitrios M.

      if he ever became president, Air Force One would become a blimp.

  • artem1s

    AOT, K

  • elviouslyqueer

    Fun fact: @realDonaldTrump just got mad and blocked a cat on Twitter.

    And scene.

    • Callyson

      Was it this cat?

  • weejee

    The fact that the Donald doesn’t take his four bankruptcies personal.

  • Villago Delenda Est

    What I want to know is how Evan managed to winnow the list of stupid The Donald quotes to 12, when there are, literally, hundreds, if not thousands, to choose from.

  • jesuswasablack

    Trump 2016, Make America Great Again!
    Hey I know what if we all file for bankruptcy four times, that ought to get-er-done!

  • Wild Cat

    IMHO, a twice-divorced loser of a white monkey wearing a baboon toupee who inherited the capital he needed to get rich from his mobbed-up Queens father is not even worth making fun of.

    • mrpuma2u

      Is it only twice? what does he have more of? Divorces or bankruptcies?

      • gedjcj

        I’ll take Wild Cat’s word on divorces. There have been four bankruptcies so far. Note that none of them were personal bankruptcies, he’s managed to stay rich by throwing away other people’s money.

        • Biel_ze_Bubba

          ‘Throwing away other people’s money’ is how he’d run the U.S.

    • Hiptobesquare

      I love your description, but I have to disagree about the last part. Jon Stewart makes fun of him at Nobel Prize level, and I eat it up!

  • JoeChristmas

    The Derpy Dozen

  • Tom Wilder

    I suspect the list of dumb stuff the Donald has said will grow significantly before this is all over.

    • Tony Alexander

      more like exponentially.

    • Dimitrios M.

      I’m expecting a bonanza of dumbth from ALL 12 monkeys, but I’m wondering about format. Will each contender briefly become a front-runner until the voters get to actually hear what he has to say above the babble, and then he crashes to the ground with a dull thud, like last time? Or will it be more of a neck-in-neck combination foot-race, pooh fling, hog wrassle and melee?

      • BackDoorMan

        … it’s gonna be a squirmish, you betcha’!

  • Good_Gawd_Yall

    My favorite Trump is still the Trump at the Correspondents’ Dinner when President Obama pwned him so publicly. I don’t care that we don’t know what he was saying inside his yoooooge head, because his face said it all.

    • Lefty Frizzell

      Letterman “tie made in China”gate!!

  • Toomush_Infer

    He’s so YOOOGE! Can he be in both debates? Please?….

    • Msgr_Moment

      As contestant AND moderator. Please, please, please?

  • VandeGraf

    OMG, he snarks himself! He’s amazing!

  • Wonkaholic

    To the rest of the world TLA stands for Three Letter Acronym, but for The Donald it stands for Trite Little Asswipe.

  • MrBlobfish

    If he promises to declare war on Staten Island, he has my vote. Snooty little punks.

    • Tony Alexander

      x2

      being from brooklyn, i view s.i. as nyc’s answer to texas.

      • Blank Ron

        Will they be repatriating their gold from Larry’s Bi-Back Pawn Shop and Adult Book Store?

  • Lefty Frizzell

    You forgot to mention him suing Bill Maher for $5M after he produced some sort of “certificate of live birth” in attempt to prove (not definitively) that he was not the son of an orangutang.

  • rocktonsam

    its now official, Bernie will win POTUS. Thanks crazy people.

  • Eric Bacon

    Once again the media lies! I am the greatest Trump to ever Trump! That one time when someone else said he was the best Trump; you didn’t even notice this but I didn’t even get mad. The greatest Trump holds all the Trump cards over fake Trumpery Trumps.

    Trump 2016! —Approved by Trump for Americans for Trump

    “Elect me president America, because I’ll give it back eventually.”

  • Shock Armstrong

    F**kface Von Clownstick

    • Vienna Woods

      There is only one.

  • calliecallie

    I had a standing orgasm once. I was at a Who concert. No joke. Donald Trump is no Roger Daltrey.

    • Gil

      Mine was at the opening night of Handel’s “Messiah” . That”s how old I am. No Joketh

      • dshwa

        I still maintain King George was standing up to try and get away from that awful piece of crap the “Hallelujah Chorus” but decided to stay for the hot soprano singing “I Know That My Redeemer Liveth” which comes after.

        • Gil

          She had quite a set of” lungs”.

        • Dimitrios M.

          As long as that hot soprano was in attendance, sheep may safely graze.

    • Boojum

      I had one, but it was in the shower.

  • Gil

    Someone should do a movie in which he actually wins the presidency by some unimaginable set of circumstaces. And every morning he wakes up in a cold sweat wonderng what the fuck have I done.

    • Doug Langley

      Freddy Kreuger, eat your heart out.

    • Dimitrios M.

      The Candidate (1972) directed by Michael Ritchie and starring Robert Redford.

      Except that fictional candidate had a lot more on the ball than The Donald’s fictional candidacy.

      • Biel_ze_Bubba

        Except that fictional candidate had a lot more hair on the head than The Donald, also too.

  • Mehmeisterjr

    Just now! Did you see that? I didn’t slug a baby, pow, right in the kisser. I could have but I didn’t. So make me President.

    • Boojum

      I could have done that, too, so I should be Vice Presnit?

      • Amy!

        What, you think you’re some kinda hiero?

        No, slugging a baby is obviously a vice, like the vice of poor impulse control (which you should oughta have tattooed on your forehead or something, after you do it, that is), so you can’t be a vice presnident unless you do the vice, right? Right. And then be the presdilent, also too. Okay? You’d be the protagerist of yer own story! You betcha!

        • bobbert

          Hiro Protaganist?

          • Captain Kraut

            Hiro Nakamura libel!!1!

        • Biel_ze_Bubba

          The poltergeist of your own story?

      • H0mer0

        you can take the man outta Joizey but y can’t take the Joizey outta the man.

  • Bitter Scribe

    Well, at least he has his excuse for losing all figured out: Oprah isn’t running with him.

  • Dee Andee

    Number 6 reminds me of something a 7th-grade mean girl would say. Oh yeah…

  • dshwa

    He’s already trying to outdo this list today with his Hillary tweet.

  • MrBlobfish

    I’m working with Donald on his acceptance speech. This is what we got so far: Listen you fuckers, you screwheads. Here’s a man who would not take it anymore. Who would not let…Listen you fuckers, you screwheads. Here’s a man who would not take it anymore. A man who stood up against the scum, the cunts, the dogs, the filth, the shit, here is someone who stood up. Here is…HERE IS — You’re dead.

    • Callyson

      You talkin’ to me?

    • doctormooz

      TRUMP SHOULD PICK DOCTOR ZOOM AS HIS RUNNING MATE – DOCTOR ZOOM HAS THE PERVERT/ZOOPHILE VOTE LOCKED UP, RUMOR HAS IT

      https://youtu.be/d_UzHxDl-zg

      • Anarchy Pony

        There’s strong correlation between external hatred of non hetero-normative sexual behavior and the subject’s inability to come to terms with their own abnormal sexual urges. Get therapy.

      • Enfant Terrible

        Actually, a bundle of unresolved sexual pathologies like you might find working for the Trump campaign to be right in your wheelhouse.

  • Anarchy Pony

    I wonder how he breathes with his head so far up his ass…

    • JustPixelz

      Kinda makes you feel sorry for his hair, forced to go up there with his head.

      • Pinball or Submission

        I’ve got a feeling that his head and his hair are not exactly a package deal.

    • Everhope

      That’s his head? No! That’s where his Chia Pet lives, in that wonderful nest surrounding The Donald’s head like so much red toilet paper.

    • Ilgattomorte

      Through his blowhole.

    • Celtic_Gnome

      The botfly lays its eggs on a host, and, upon hatching, they burrow into the skin, leaving only their anuses exposed through which they breathe. That would explain how The Donald breathes, if we grant him the level of advancement of the botfly.

    • Billy Rubin

      Much like the tube worms found in oceanic thermal vents, Donald full of sulfur – fixing bacteria.

  • starfanglednut

    This is awesome. “Because I don’t want to, Greta” can be the new “All of them, Katie.” BIDW, G.

  • DahBoner
  • Metadude

    This is YOOGE for snark! Now, if only Lou Sarah gets in the race…

  • ButIKnowWhatILike

    But doesn’t The Donald™ represent the Reeps’ best chance at breaking the Democrats’ coalition, on account of his great relationship with The Blacks?

  • Notreelyhelping

    There’s got to be a couple of guys at the Times gleefully digging out the financial files they’ve been hoarding for years. Never mind all the crap he said on Imus.

    • DsMTwoShoes

      It should prove to be mind boggling!
      Or point to the gullibility of some (tea party, Republicans etc. …..etc. …..)
      Americans

  • Callyson

    Well done Evan: it must have been hard to pick just the twelve…

  • DsMTwoShoes

    I hope this means that John Stewart is sticking around for the cluster fuck party. Which will be Trumps campaign.

  • say wha

    Trump is the smrt Bush?

    • Anarchy Pony

      Smart shrubbery.

      • Mary Sandoras

        Smartest toupee. Although his toupee could be considered shrubbery so I must digress.

  • Me not sure

    From The Onion….

    • smr06va

      FIFY…………

  • Charles Cates

    I’m still hoping this ‘Donald Trump’ is actually an incredible performance artist and is actually a quiet, decent fellow who you wouldn’t mind living next to.

  • Boojum

    Is Donald Trump the infiltrator of our Lizard People Overlords? Because I may be taking back that welcome I was extending before.

  • Everhope

    Ever notice all the times The Donald’s sneeringly making a Trump point his lips curl into something that might be relieved with Preparation H? Could that be why all his formers call him an asshole?

    • psychobroad

      I have always thought his mouth looked like an asshole.

      • smr06va

        That would explain what comes out of it…………………..

        • PoppaCharlie

          Of course. Where else would that shite come out of?

          • Msgr_Moment

            Come out of? I can’t wait to see the corndogs go in!

  • JohnR

    I hope he and Christie meet in a debate and have dueling temper tantrums. That is my wish for the debates.

  • Relativicus

    Remember that one time when he simultaneously described himself as the best and most awesomest while denigrating his opponent as the stupidest, ugliest, zit-faced demon ever found on earth in the whole history of everything?

  • Legion32

    I am kind of looking forward to this clown exposing himself as a clueless tool to an even larger segment of the population. I’m assuming of course there will be someone who asks this future war leader how he received so many draft deferments during the Vietnam War but hope springs eternal. If the fact that his entering the clown car race around the neked lady war memorial statue in Atlantic City means that more people will learn this chicken hawk was afraid to serve when his own generation did, I’ll consider it a sunk cost.

  • Msgr_Moment

    Today has been one long YOOOOOGEgasm for all of us.

    • Mary Sandoras

      They were having yooogegasms about The Donald on the Daily Show last night.

  • Thaumaturgist

    Poe’s law incarnate.

  • PoppaCharlie

    One overblown stumble for a chump. One huge gift to the world of comedy. Now if that wolverine stapled to his head will just take its revenge . . .

    • Everhope

      I have it on good authority that it’s not an animal atop his noggin but a Chia Pet he only needs to water once monthly.

  • SprayedMilkOutMyNose

    Cummon…this is totally the best thing to happen to the republican primary. Today it went from just plain ol’ tragedy to comic tragedy! I LOVE Donald Trump!

  • sillyclucker

    He does have the highest IQ if he’s talking about the idiot quotient.

    • E.A. Blair

      He did have the highest IQ for a short time – when he was visiting Texas. Then he left and statistical norms took over.

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      He means “among the GOP candidates.”

      • Mary Sandoras

        Well that’s a very low bar…so his toupee could have a higher IQ than all of the GOP candidates collectively.

  • Celtic_Gnome

    Now,now. Let’s give Trump his due. He hasn’t been connected to any pedophilia scandals yet.

    • Mehmeisterjr

      That’s what he’s banking on, being the last non-incest Republican in playh, although his own daughter-marrying fantasy might tarnish that image.

      Mostly, though he’s on an ego trip.

      • Everhope

        You know, this would never have happened had the GOP (Greedy Oligarchs & Plutocrats) had not opened the door to the looniest bunch since Millard Fillmore.

    • Everhope

      Necrophilia scandals? I mean with that Chia Pet atop his head, he’s looked like death eating a cookie since the 90s.

  • Bill Slider

    I bid 5 Donald no-trump.

  • NorthStarSpanx

    He’s still got two weeks to file with the Office of Government Ethics to be a rill candidate, in which case he may decide to pull a Palin and quit, I mean, “advance in a different direction.” Either way, he’s still done more for POTUS posturing than she would ever do.

  • Bill Slider

    I await The Donald’s secret plan to eliminate the National debt by converting the White House into a casino. But where would he live, you ask? The Donald Trump hotel that he is building by converting the old post office building on Pennsylvania Avenue, but a few blocks away, of course.

  • MAZS

    Re: item #12

    “Let them see what kind of person I am. I’m not even going to swat that fly. I hope they’re watching, they’ll see….They’ll see and they’ll know and they’ll say, Why she wouldn’t even hurt a fly”.

    Norman Bates, apparently channeling Donald Trump

    • ahughes798

      There is something vaguely Tom Cruise-ish about that quote.

  • Dimitrios M.

    Okay, now I’m confused. Trump is so busy for the next ten years that he doesn’t have time to host a one hour “Meet The Press” program each week, and yet he has time to take on the duties of POTUS.

    What I’m confused about is, was he lying about being too busy to host “Meet The Press,” lying about trying to win the election to be TPR-POTUS, or lying about both?

    • Mehmeisterjr

      Confusion IS Trump.

    • Mary Sandoras

      So far the consensus is…..wait for it…..it’s a publicity stunt because he has not filed the official financial documents yet. However he still has time to do that.

      • Morrigan In Oregon

        two periods of forty five days each, ninety days. Some time towards Sept he will be “begged by NBC” to come back for another season of “The Apprentice”

        • BackDoorMan

          … sounds about right. I have no doubt Teh Dumbald has an exit strategy already mapped out. Wouldn’t if be cool though if NBC called his bluff?

          “Sorry, Donnie but your country needs you more than we do, so your program will just have to go on indefinite hiatus. Good luck with your run for President!”

      • BackDoorMan

        … well, when you’re cooking the books (plural because you know he has more than one set), it’s like making a souffle – best not to rush things.

  • Markuserektus

    Sanders supporting Neil Young gave Trump the business though.

  • motmelere

    First time! I got sick of searching the net for information; I couldn’t find the Donald’s long form IQ results.
    Note to Trump: It’s not a percentage; 99 isn’t as impressive as you might think it is.

  • Politics_Nerd

    What about that time, I think it was recently?, when he announced he was running for president?! LOL!!! I mean, really.

  • Alex Grey

    Trump goes to 11…

  • ButchWagstaff

    You only found 12?!

    *edit* you only list 12. There has to be more, right? RIGHT?

  • ButchWagstaff

    Donald Trump: Never Slapped A Baby!

    • jjdaddyo

      … only The Monkey

      • Everhope

        Ye gods, what an image not to contemplate sober!

    • Mehmeisterjr

      Well, he never slapped a baby that one time, that we know of.

  • ButchWagstaff

    Make America Grate Again!

    • LegionOfDo

      That’s pretty cheesy.

      • Jacman Rasta Bicycle

        I see what you did there.

        • Aaron Morgan

          I went to pieces

  • ButchWagstaff

    Did his detectives ever find Obama’s real birth certificate in Hawaii or Kenya or Belize or wherever the fuck it was supposed to be?

    • BackDoorMan

      … Jake Tapper has an upcoming interview with this fraudulent fartbag shortly – and how I wish that could be the lead-off question! Of course, CNN being what it is, I don’t expect him to give Teh Trumpster the (metaphorical) evisceration he so richly deserves.

  • H0mer0

    ” which would cause the baby to develop a
    jealousy complex over being raised by such Big Dumbs, instead of by
    Donald Trump, the King Of Babies.”

    Yeah, but can he whip in kitchen cups concupiscent curds?

    (BTW Evan, very poetic in a prose kind of way. I think you’ve done your Southern literary heritage proud, but what do I know since I don’t know WTF I’m talking about)

  • shawnthesheep

    What about the time he announced how impressed Gloria Allred would be if he showed her his yooge dick? It’s a testament to the Donald’s fuckery that he’s said 10 things more mockable than that.

    • DrCroland

      Are you kidding — I think he probably has the world’s smallest cock, and he feels so insecure about it that’s why he has to compensate with all this bombastic behavior. Probably soon enough people are going to be fed up with all his crap that he will be dumped by everyone and lose all his money. Then that Melania bimbo will dump him too and he’ll have to go to bed with a banana peel. On an old mattress in the street.

  • Duke

    The Clown Car Dream Team is shaping up! Huckabee, Santorum, Trump, Rubio, Jindal…

    Bachmann? Where’s Michele when we really need her!

    • BackDoorMan

      … learning to make sammiches the way Marcus does?

      • LeftCoastLeftie

        Having all her dresses altered that Marcus stretched the fuck out of.

  • Jim

    Ban Trump is an anagram of PT Barnum, which means nothing, I just like anagrams.

  • MegPasadena

    Mental illness is really not a funny thing!
    This man/creature needs help.

    • SJLAW

      Seriously! I used to think he was just a clown but he’s actually a megalomaniac or the very least a very poor performance artist or more likely a deluded, out of touch rich(ish) dude surrounded by yes-men and sycophants. Either way he is wacked. .

      • Everhope

        He suffers from pathological narcissism. More to the point is we suffer from his pathological narcissism.

        • Everhope

          Look at the accompanying pic of the Donald. Why do you suppose his mouth looks like a garden variety anal aperture? Could it be that it is his idiosyncratic organ spewing such hideous, nativist and fascist shit? Guess is his alimentary canal runs in the opposite direction from true humans. Seems to me his reptilian visage tells the whole story. Do you suppose he just hauled himself up from the swamp 60 years ago?

    • Everhope

      Yes, he needs help shuffling off the stage of electoral politics, given a funny hat, the kind that squirts water and great big flappy mittens that glow in the dark so he’ll be the best carny barker ever. That’s right boys & girls: Ever.

      • DrCroland

        He isn’t even a carny barker. He’s a one-man freakshow.

        • Everhope

          Yeah, & a carny barker leads you to his tent!

    • He really does. He’s having a psychological breakdown in front of the whole country and some people just aren’t recognizing it. Quite sad.

  • BackDoorMan

    … from The Face With An Anus Mouth we have this very Presidential “bon mot”…

    • LeftCoastLeftie

      Kind of reminds me of another ass-faced Republican

    • anon ymous

      This man-thing is truly reprehensible. I hope Melania has been socking cash away because it’s only a matter of time before he trades her in for a younger model. (probably his daughter)

  • NorthStarSpanx

    and everybody’s now using it, they are all loving it,” “Loving it” is a McDonald’s thing, you now stealing another tagline to defend your amazing “Make America Great Again” string of words The Donald?

  • Colossusus!

    I love listening to this moron. he is a true a$$hole with no concept of reality. He’s the Kanye West of the GOP. He also stole his slogan from Reagan; his slogan was “Let’s make America great again.” So he’s just a low class plagiarizer to boot. His mouth really is an anus and his brain probably looks very much like excrement filled intestines. Oh yeah, and he’s a rapist, probably. I mean, I love the Trumps, they are great people I assume, except for the rapists. Lol. What’s he going to do when he bankrupts America? Chapter 11 for the whole nation? For the fifth time? Let’s not forget that he might be a rapist too. Lol. At least he’s not pretentious, he is a geniune a$$hole, let’s grant him that.

    • Jack Bonar

      I love you.

      • Raymond Babcock

        America is all ready bankrupt. Are government borrows money from China. Which is why things like the F-35 raptor look like a jet fighter in the air force of China. What are government does not give to China they steal.

      • I love him and you, too.

    • anon ymous

      Just a boy in a man-suit. Calling names, stomping his little feet and shaking his tiny fists in the air and throwing tantrums. IDIOCRACY HAS COME TO PASS

  • America the golden calf

    yeah let Donald duck have a go! LOL

  • Dennis Swanson

    Trump has put a twister in Jeblay Bushton’s gay rights and racism 2016 campaign. They may have to give him the Vince Foster treatment.

    • Raymond Babcock

      This is one of my fears. Trump will be assassinated.

      • Sadie

        Oh bullshit!

      • anon ymous

        We can hope. Every time I wake up the first thing I do is check the news hoping to learn that someone with a brain has taken him out

  • HoyesMiGente

    Please someone humiliate him in the “debates”. PLEASE. But is it possible to humiliate this db? Because he should have faded away long ago given the utter humiliation if his existence.

    • Raymond Babcock

      Even if you do not like Trump. Respect what he has done. He is like most people things do not turn out like you want. It is not about how many times you fail. But did you get back up and try again. Most of the people in the congress have bankrupted a company. So they got in to government were failure is accepted. Look at there policy.

      • HoyesMiGente

        Thpppppt. Nonsense. Go back to facebook and pinterest and read all the platitudes that make you feel warm and cozy. Trumpty is a thief who cuts corners in every way possible to make his coin. He exploits workers, declares a hefty bankruptcy every once in awhile, and was on a STUPID STUPID TELEVISIONS SHOW. Obviously you believe the hype. I know the hype is false as he!!. This countries history is one of good guys finishing last over and over and over again. Trumpty is no “success” story. The real successes, like Soros and Buffett, laugh at him. Even the Durst’s think Dumpty is a clown. Please educate yourself.

      • candlee

        I cannot believe you just said “respect what he’s done.” so I should respect his Muslim-observing ideas or his imitation of a disabled NYT reporter?

        Pfftt. I don’t understand how anyone could respect that buffoon.

        • Bruce Landers

          Well Said!!!

  • Raymond Babcock

    I like Trump because the democrats and the republicans both are attacking him for the same reason. A nation with out borders is not a nation. When the democrats control the government. The republicans have all of the answers. When the republicans control the government. The democrats have all of the answers. This has been going on for a long time. The congress people when they retire they have more money then they can spend. The rest of us the social security money that was held in trusts funds. Has all been spent.

    • Qamar Stationwala

      yeah except if trump ends up president a majority of the population will probably shoot themself. our entire economy will fall to shit cus theres just not enough people around anymore. the ones who are left will leave the country to look for jobs elsewhere because theres not anymore to be had here. the nation will disappear. want to save america? vote no for trump!

    • Rabo Karabekian

      English 2nd langauge not meaning.
      Failure to com muncate. Not about brain working thing like dubya. democrats agin.

      I like Trump for smiles.

    • disqus_hecKYUtb1k

      We should not have borders, the world belong to God we only have permission to live in it to prove to him that we love one another

    • Portia Hardesty

      Yes, both the Democrats and Repubs are attacking Trump for the same reason. The man is an evil idiot. If you are dumb, it’s understandable. However, when you are stupid and evil, it’s just not a good combination.

  • Roxamme

    It is time the nation acknowledges the real Donald Trump. He is literally a very stupid man that had average grades and IQ is rated between 100 and 110. He never graduated from Wharton School and could never get in with his very average grades until his family’s name made it possible. He is a poor business man and is hated by the truly good business men. He has very limited intelligence. In essence he is a clown, a child in a grown up body and his vocabulary is that of a third grader. More and more of the truth will emerge, the longer he stays in the presidential race. His brain is truly a hot mess.

    • Mancave001
      • Dr. Krieger IRL

        I wonder what his fraternity was in college, Alpha Sigma Trump?

        • Silent Political Yeoman

          Probably Alpha Alpha Alpha, because he has to be number one. Always. And if he isn’t, the other guy(s) cheated somehow. Even when he’s beaten fair and square, he tries to work the system to his advantage by crying “cheat!”

      • orygone

        wow his hairline is lower now than when he was 22. happens all the time with us men.

    • AzX101

      I agree 100% with your assessment. But, Trump voters will only look at this vile and disgusting nature as a bonus. The more disgusting he gets it’s better for the Trump voters to seal the deal. America is the land of vilest, morally wicked natured, disgusting folks – mostly republicans..many democrats as well.

  • Let’s go back to the future and see what Trump’s America will look like

    http://www.mtspace.me/trump-presidency

  • terrybestprondzinski

    I have no regard for Trump, however I believe most of you snobs are liberals!

  • Garloo

    Trump is at best a user of a showman.. He makes things up as he goes along he caters his events to the mind set of a WWE/ WWF/roller derby crowd. To paraphrase…” I can act different around different people , when I have to etc”… Then he brings up that a relative of his was a professor at MIT as if that indicates Trump has couth when he needs to play to the masses. Speaking of masses the great “Hair Apparent” referred to Pope Francis as “good guy” in a more controlled response on CNN the other night… Really calling the Pope a good guy??? .. but then again they do share those little crackers in Church. His cornerstone on immigration the great taco Wall he will build around Mexico, one which he will have the Mexicans pay for…. “But they say they wont pay for it Mr. Trump”, charge reporters and media folk. Trump”s response “I will make them”. The man is truly Brilliant… even Russian thug President Putin seems to concur in a commentary a few months ago as referred to Trump as “brilliant” but in true context what Putin was saying was that he was showy ,garish etc…. … There is so much more,people walk away while there is still time! . My favorite is still how Trump harps on and proclaims he is self funding… not taking money from special interests etc… Trump is a cheap businessman, everyone who knows him can relate to that. The reason he hasnt spent his own $$$ for ads and airtime is because since early summer 2015 his puss has been plastered on the tube round the clock… Yet when Mr. Trump has his little tantrums about “how unfair the media is or he wont show up to a debate because he doesnt like one of the moderators he calls the media all losers , jerks ,liars I hate them!!! ” He is such a moron … Biting , no severing the hand the feeds him…. I mean short of seeing The Donald take a dump or pee his Orange face, mouth and glowing hair run have run rampant 24/7 on TV…. This is one reality show which must end now…

    • Rock Drumr

      He was talking about being hot, the other day, and how, because of the immense crowds that come to see him, it was even hotter “when [he] perform[s].” He is, by his own words, a performer; and by his actions, a clown.

      Here is a quote from his book, The Art of the Deal –

      “The final key to the way I promote is bravado. I play to people’s fantasies. People may not always think big themselves, but they can still get very excited by those who do, That’s why a little hyperbole never hurts. People want to believe that something is the biggest and the greatest and the most spectacular.

      “I call it truthful hyperbole. It’s an innocent form of exaggeration — and a very effective form of promotion,”

      Hitler called it, “the big lie”. Here is a quote from his book, Mein Kampf –

      “…[I]n the big lie there is always a certain force of credibility; because the broad masses of a nation are always more easily corrupted in the deeper strata of their emotional nature than consciously or voluntarily; and thus in the primitive simplicity of their minds they more readily fall victims to the big lie than the small lie, since they themselves often tell small lies in little matters but would be ashamed to resort to large-scale falsehoods. It would never come into their heads to fabricate colossal untruths, and they would not believe that others could have the impudence to distort the truth so infamously. Even though the facts which prove this to be so may be brought clearly to their minds, they will still doubt and waver and will continue to think that there may be some other explanation. For the grossly impudent lie always leaves traces behind it, even after it has been nailed down, a fact which is known to all expert liars in this world and to all who conspire together in the art of lying. These people know only too well how to use falsehood for the basest purposes…”

      Nazi propaganda minister Joseph Goebbels:

      “If you repeat a lie often enough, it becomes the truth.”

  • Ucouldntbemorewrong

    Was watching debates with Mr Drumpf, and turned to my wife and said, where have I heard this type of speech before?
    I’ve figured it out, both can’t complete a single friggin sentence!
    Only difference is one sounds like he’s on Coke, humm… ya Trump could be a coke addict I would not put that past him.
    See for yourself.
    http://www.nbc.com/saturday-night-live/video/weekend-update-nicholas-fehn/n13345

    • ziggyman911

      Like your buddy Obama. Liberals are too ignorant to learn they have to become victims to be able to understand the sheer ignorance of America’s president. But soon they will when they themselves become the victim they will cry the loudest but it will fall upon deaf ears. Obama is nothing but the United Nations attaboy. Has a conservative we have heard your words before also. Donald Trump the next president of the United States.

      • Ucouldntbemorewrong

        Firstly I’m not a puppet like you or the Dems, I’ve voted for Dems and Reps, best person standing should be person in office.
        Trump would be the worst choice for international affairs, if he wins major chance of WWIII incoming..”but but but we’ll all have jobs” ya great. The guy is a clown, and if he is the face of the “free world”, US is in for dire times.

      • Rock Drumr

        Buddy, I mean, ziggy, you are SOOOOO stupid, you don’t even know how stupid you are!

        • ziggyman911

          Rock I I mean Einstein I can’t begin to tell you how important your comments are to me. If ignorance came in the form of pain you need the poppy field to control it. Get a life Einstein not everybody has to agree with your brightness.

  • tomham01

    Is it the American dream to act as Donald Trump, like a crocodile with big mouth and small brain?

  • non_fiction

    Re: #7… It sure beats 3 words frequently used before: Hope and Change.
    HAHAHA talk about lies. Maybe he meant hope and change our way into a third world country.
    :D

    • Rock Drumr

      What are you, some kind of maroon? lol

  • gregormann

    You blew it on # 8

  • DDW

    Obama had a three word slogan “Hope and Change,” It should have been “Fuck America Over!”
    I don’t know how I got here (must have ass-typed liberal claptrap in the Google search bar) But as we are less than a year after the post and Trump has clinched the nomination (and looks possible that Hillary is headed to a Federal Country Club Prison), maybe it is time to take Trump seriously.

    • TarzanJoe

      Donald the Thumper Dumper has con his way through life. He has obvious become a full fledge bigot, racist and other delightful characters to appease his base of Lily White Red-Necks with a splash salsa, bagels/cream-cheese, along with a whole lot of right wing theories.

    • Conductor4626

      You get lost that often? So, because you don’t know where you are, let’s help you with a compass made of facts.

      After the crash under Bush, President Obama was presented with an economy that was hemorrhaging 800,000 jobs a month and the stock market had crashed to 6,500. As of this moment, the stock market is 18,379 and last month gained 287,000 jobs. GDP is rising and is now higher than at any point in the Bush presidency, unemployment is back to pre-Bush Crash levels, and 10 million Americans who faced the risk of going bankrupt from any illness or accident now have health insurance. The crime rate is down, too, according to the FBI, and while one death of a police officer is too many, less than half the number of officers are killed on the job today as under Ronald Reagan? And even the numer of U.S. abortions have been reduced by triple the annual rate of reduction under W.

      As for your anti-Hillary rant, you’ll notice she has no outstanding charges, while Trump is still in court in three separate states over the fraud that was Trump University. The $90 million a friend of Putin’s paid the Donald for a Florida mansion appraised for less than half that smells more and more like a payoff, too. Hillary has released her tax returns back to the 1980s, while Donald won’t release his at all, knowing what’s in there would sink him deeper than the Titanic’s anchor. His excuse is even lame, saying it’s because of an audit. The IRS says it changes nothing in tax returns already filed to release whatever he wants, and Nixon released his while under impeachment.

      Now, have you found your way, or are you still lost in hate and confusion?

      • RJ (TO)

        Saying “let’s help you with facts” to a republican is like saying let’s help you with garlic to a vampire.

    • Smitty see me ANYTIME!!!

      America fucked itself 600 years ago stop trying to BLAME the black man DAMN you put in chains and kill our FAMILY rape our WOMEN Take our HISTORY run a unjust system to keep us down teach LIES in YOUR Bullshit school’s man I can go on for years ALOT of you WHITE DEVIL’S HAVEN’T been accountable for years of criminal activity but you won’t to TALK SHUT THE FUCK UP DAMN DEMONIC mother fuckers

    • Vagenda and Tiara

      LOL, yeah, Hillary will be jailed for crimes she didn’t commit. Trump’s already walked that back, along with his promise to repeal Obamacare. There is one thing he promised that he’ll actually do – cut taxes on the rich, and run up massive debts.

      • Richard Kaup

        Now ya got Flynn
        (who really SHOULD be in jail!)

  • DDW

    W was an idiot to be sure; just another Washington Insider, like Hillary. Everyone I know blames the 2008 Mortgage Bond Collapse for the Bank Failures and Stock Market Collspse. I believe the main players in that were AlannGreenspan, The Banks themselves, and Congress. And Congress held hearings on Credit Default swaps and elite Harvard economists told Congress essentially not to worry. The Federal a reserve has been engineering (and profiting off of) boom-busy cycles ever since they were created in 1913. Presidents have very little control over monetary policy. So I wouldn’t blame Bush or Obama for that. I will however blame Obama and Congress for printing $10 Trillion more dollars. Hillary is awash in Pay for Play money from the big banks.

    P.S. – No Hate Here. I don’t allow it.

    • Smitty see me ANYTIME!!!

      So Obama own printing machine’s

  • cheyenne

    the donald is allowed to to be and act stupid because he has money …. just think about …if he was a po ass white man or even just a black man …most of us would never have heard of the RETARD !!!!!

  • Surendra Shivastava

    He is fucking insane. He may have amassed billions but he makes dog shit more valuable. He is a a sico & a pervert.

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