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Poor things.

The time is nigh, when the Supreme Court of the United States of America will likely find that there is a constitutional right to marriage equality, though court watchers don’t predict that they’ll make gay marriage a requirement for all Americans. But you’d think they were about to do that, the way anti-gay Jesus Americans are panicking, by nervously, fearfully pulling out their nipple hairs and issuing proclamations that NO! you cannot force gay marriage right down their throats, they’re gonna spit it out!

Pastor Rick Scarborough, who wants to sue the gays class action-style, is leading the “spit, don’t swallow” brigade, with a WaPo ad begging the Court not to make them choose between Bigot Jesus and following the law, and a pledge declaring that, since God designed marriage (and redefined it like 8 times, because nobody gets 800 wives anymore like they did in Bible times, sadface), SCOTUS isn’t allowed to rule on it, and they will NOT be forced into arranged gay marriages, no siree:

We will view any decision by the Supreme Court or any court the same way history views the Dred Scott and Buck v. Bell decisions. Our highest respect for the rule of law requires that we not respect an unjust law that directly conflicts with higher law. A decision purporting to redefine marriage flies in the face of the Constitution and is contrary to the natural created order. As people of faith we pledge obedience to our Creator when the State directly conflicts with higher law. We respectfully warn the Supreme Court not to cross this line.

As of this writing, 50,443 patriotic Americans have signed the pledge, led by some big name wingnuts, including the gay-hating-est presidential candidates of all, Mike Huckabee and Rick Santorum. Also, too, some of America’s favorite anti-gay wingnuts, like Dr. James Dobson, Billy Graham’s wayward spawn Franklin, those Aryan bigot twins with the canceled HGTV show, WONKET PEN PAL SEX MONSTER BRADLEE DEAN, and oh look, Jim Bob and Michelle Duggar. While we respect the Duggars’ desire to protect Americans from throat-cramming, we think they oughta focus on their own family at the moment.

But these folks are drawing a line in the sand that says  they’ll do a lot of things for the love of Jesus, but they won’t do … what? No funny butt stuff? Are they promising to continue stomping their feet and whining when they encounter a married gay couple? Because we already knew they were going to do that. Are they saying that no way, no how are they going to divorce their opposite-married wives and get engaged to Jim, the one they met on Grindr at the Southern Baptist Convention? We didn’t expect them to do that, what they do with Jim is “a special secret.”

Scarborough writes in a column for WND that “[t]here are tens of thousands of people of faith, in fact, hundreds of thousands, if not millions,” who will not respect the Supreme Court ruling. Wow, their numbers grew from thousands to millions in the space of one sentence! But Scarborough immediately defines it right back down, saying that “thousands of Christians” will civil disobedience the law, by refusing to bake cakes and pizza for homosexuals, most likely. Such freedom fighters. And they’ll refuse to let the state force pastors to do gay marriages, because that’s a thing they believe is going to happen, even though it’s clearly bullshit, in part because there is not a gay couple on the planet who wants to be married by a pastor who thinks they’re going to hell for loving each other.

Anyway, this is sure to work, and if it doesn’t, Scarborough can always fall back on his original plan, which is to preach about anal sex to unsuspecting Sunday church-goers. He’s good at that.

[DefendMarriage.org / WND via Think Progress]

 

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  • Spotts1701

    “We will resist the demand to treat everyone equally!”
    Yeah, I don’t see that slogan as a selling point.

  • Nounverb911

    In the meantime, Mexico’s Supreme Court legalized same-sex marriage over the weekend.

    • Me not sure

      I will not blow a woodwind, I’m a brass guy all the way.

      • gedjcj

        Oh sure, a reed now and then, maybe, in a hotel. But I wouldn’t feel good about myself.

        • Me not sure

          A weekend oboe, but no single reeds ever.

    • Jack_Carter_USA

      Oh look, another excuse for the signatories to hate our neighbors from south of the border.

    • malsperanza

      To a resounding, “OK, yeah, cool, bro, now what’s for lunch?” from the populace. Of course, they’re all Catholics, so what do they know about the Bible?

      • Villago Delenda Est

        Nothing, they’re all in the thrall of the Whore of Babylon.

        • Blank Ron

          You mean Monique? How’s she doing, BTW?

          • gedjcj

            Ok, stolen; thx bai!

  • Treg Brown

    But what if you like having stuff done to your butts??
    Asking for a friend.

    • Vecciojohn

      If your friend has more than one butt this is the least of his problems.

      • gedjcj

        Strewth!

  • Jack_Carter_USA

    I wonder if they know they won’t have to gay marry (but I suspect more than a few of them will be deep-down disappointed at that as anyone who gets that bent out of shape by gay people being gay and doing gay things with each other has some serious issues) and can continue to hate gay people just as much as they do now.

    • Villago Delenda Est

      Serious issues, indeed. STOP THINKING ABOUT THE GHEY SEX ALL THE TIME, MORANS!

      It’s really fucking simple. You’d think it would be like falling off a log for these dickweeds.

      • Jack_Carter_USA

        They’d be much happier if they would just gobble some tube steak or take one up the rear and just get it over with.

        • Blank Ron

          Which isn’t to say that an awful lot of them already haven’t.

          • BackDoorMan

            … it was just that one time, 11 years ago. And sitting by the phone waiting for a callback that will never come tends to make them quite petulant.

      • dshwa

        Several studies have shown that a majority of Homophobes become physically aroused when exposed to gay porn.

  • Nounverb911

    What percentage of that 50,443 are still hiding in the closet?

    • Treg Brown

      AOT,K.

    • Jack_Carter_USA

      At least 99%. Probably more.

  • Treg Brown

    Well if god is so smart and doesn’t like the ghey butts sex, why did he put the prostate inside the butt?? Hmmm?

  • freakishlystrong

    Can we do one of these petition thingees to SCOTUS imploring them on moral grounds not to gut healthcare insurance for millions?

  • Me not sure

    Anyone who signs that pledge obviously cannot also swear the Oath of Office to be POTUS, should marriage equality be upheld by SCOTUS, and should immediately drop out.

    • Villago Delenda Est

      There are absolutely no religious requirements to swearing (or affirming!) the Oath of Office to any government position of authority. You can follow Yahweh, Allah, Gott (or any of his other aliases), Zeus, Odin, Vishnu, FSM, the birds and the bees, matters not, as long as you promise to uphold and defend the Constitution of the United States, and there is no conflict.

      Unless you are a God-bothered DICKWEED who insists that you must, and we’ll just ignore you, because you are God-bothered and a DICKWEED who deserves not one single iota of respect for your fucking God-bothered conniption fits.

      • Me not sure

        If marriage equality is constitutional and you’ve sworn not uphold it there is.

        • Villago Delenda Est

          Then if one is so fucking bothered about it, resign. Right here, right now. Obviously, your imaginary sky buddy has priority over the real world.

          • Me not sure

            Are we talking at cross purposes here? I think we agree.

          • Villago Delenda Est

            Oh, we agree. I’m just being cantankerous, because these stupid people really piss me off with their “God’s law” crap, which I’m fucking tired of.

          • Me not sure

            Oh, well that’s different. Rage on, brother!

          • gedjcj

            Glad I didn’t have to pull this car over!

          • Duckbudder

            Yo, VDE, I think you’re South bound, in the North bound lane.

  • exinkwretch

    Here in Washington state, we legalized marriage between Mary Jane and Janet AND Mary Jane on the same day. And, amazingly fucking enough, the sun did rise the next morning!

    • exinkwretch

      And (not bragging or anything) I haven’t gay married or smoked a joint since! But if so choose, go for it!

      • gedjcj

        To be fair polygamy is still illegal, so gay marriage is right out, joints are wasteful (and pot shops seem make some distinction between a “joint” and a “blunt” (wtf?), but with you in spirit: No smiting, barbarism, or economic collapse in sight. And Rick Santorum still can’t marry his dog here.

        Regarding drought, correlation does not equal causation.

        (Another thing I disagree on with OBE (Our Beloved Editrix): Pipes and joints are harsh, my small double bubbler is smooth, easy, and economical, though something of a bitch to clean.)

    • Reddishrabbit

      That’s is a miracle!
      A day where you can see if the sun was there and it wasn’t covered in rain clouds!
      God must love gay marriage!

      • Villago Delenda Est

        Sorta like rainbows over Dublin!

      • darnyoudarnyoutoheck

        I can see Washington state from here and the sun has been shiny all week. Also there is almost no snow on the Olympic Mountains and it is freaking me out.?

    • Mehmeisterjr

      The sun rising the next morning is A Sign of the End Times.

  • It’s an All-Star Super Wonkette special!

  • elviouslyqueer

    Dear religious wingnuts:

    Worry not, you’ll get over this. I mean, I’m pretty dang sure there will always be another group for you to hate soon enough.

    Kisses,

    EQ

    • freakishlystrong

      They’ve teed up wimmen and muslins. “Next!”

      • MrBlobfish

        Dude, that’s like four years ago. It’s transgender now.

        • artem1s

          pretty much a rotating calendar of things and people to hate with these guys, kind of like planting season. April slut shaming, brings May ghey hating, May throat cramming brings June buttsechs, etc, etc. Besides, how can you prove slippery slope if you don’t go back and visit your greatest hits every once in a while?

          • gedjcj

            We must reject all slippery slope arguments, because once we have accepted one, not matter how specious, we must…

  • Lizzietish81

    The arguments against same sex marriage are basically the ones used by the same dipshits against interracial marriage, so way to go citing Dredd Scott asshole.

    • Ah, but remember, he didn’t cite Loving, which was clearly decided wrongly.

      • Msgr_Moment

        Bad Loving is better than no Loving at all.

  • Marco

    Honest question: if someone doesnt want to provide services to a gay wedding, whats the big deal? If its something that is absolute opposite from all their core values, so be it, they shouldnt be target of public shaming. I know if a member from the Klan asked me to bake a cake with a burning cross on it, I would probably refuse (or charge a huge price).

    • Lizzietish81

      You have the right to refuse to have your name attached to a political or religious message you do not agree with. You do not have the right to refuse service.

      So you would have to bake the cake, but not the art.

      • Marco

        If someone thinks that a wedding is a religious message (and its fairly reasonable to do so),I dont think that they should be forced to do it. People should have the right to do (and dont do) whatever they want.

        • Treg Brown

          Except providing a cake is a business transaction. Not a religious ceremony.

          • I think you’re overlooking the biblical passages about chocolate génoise with raspberry jam filling with white chocolate ganache and fondant flowers. I was surprised too, but there it is.

          • Spotts1701

            Oh, is that in the Book of Nom?

          • elviouslyqueer

            And on the eighth day, God said “blessed be the chocolate génoise because it is most delicious.”

          • Reddishrabbit

            God was veeeerrrryyyyy picky about chocolate. Which is odd, since they didn’t have chocolate in the biblical times in the middle east. Mystery of God I guess.

          • Villago Delenda Est

            There are lots of Mysteries of God that our wingnut friends claim to have the answers for.

          • gedjcj

            But they won’t tell us because…

          • MrBlobfish

            Which Bible is that? My KJV only talks about deep-fried Moon Pies.

          • Lefty Frizzell

            You can only find it it some of those nordic countries. I don’t know which ones because I don’t really know what a nordic country is.

          • Villago Delenda Est

            My KJV goes on and on about treacle tarts and spotted dick.

          • Marco

            I read that on some of those nordic countries zoophilia is not against the law. You saying that if someone asked me to sell a puppy labrador to perform some disgusting porn, I should be forced to sell it?

          • Treg Brown

            That’s EXACTLY the same thing!!!
            For a someone who may or may not be around wonkette much longer, you’re really smart!

          • Marco

            The thing is, I guess they shouldnt be forced. The government cant discriminate when providing public services. In a private transaction, one should do whatever it wants.

          • elviouslyqueer

            It’s not a private transaction if you are operating a business that is open to the PUBLIC, sunshine. Try again.

          • MrBlobfish

            Is your little shop of bigots enjoying any protections from the gov’t, like incorporating or police and fire service?

          • Treg Brown

            …having water brought to their door through public water municipality, providing safe passage for coming to the store on, you know, a paved road without dead bodies waiting to be picked up in a cart…

          • Marco

            Again, public services are one thing, private business are a whole different thing. Im not against gays or anything like that (I once had the curiosity to fuck a tranny and i did it – it was alright). But the whole thing of providing services to something that Im utterly against it, it doesnt looks like fair/fine. Im a libertarian, btw.

          • Lizzietish81
          • Marco

            How closed minded, you guys!

          • Lizzietish81

            Oh oh oh! I need to get the Bingo card

            Check “accusations of not being open minded”

            Shit I’m gonna need a few of these.

          • Marco

            If I did a liquor game within this forum, I’d drop dead in 30 secs….

          • John Griffone

            I’m not sure what this liquor game is of which you write, but I’m pretty sure that it ends with your crotch covered in icing and angelfood. You dirty dirty cake rapist.

          • Marco

            But you guys are just narrow minded as the other side. Its amazing, really, how the comments on this site are exactly like the ones from redstate. They are 100% opposite, but just as ridiculous.

          • John Griffone

            As an economics professor, what are your thoughts on the time savings inherent in leaving out the occasional apostrophe? Do you find that it leaves more time for cake violation?

          • Me not sure

            I fucked up a transmission once, does that count?

          • Lefty Frizzell

            Another cool story bro – you should write a memoir.

          • MrBlobfish

            Ok. Now you’re just getting boring. STOP BORING ME!!11

          • Marco

            Is it funny to you guys tipying “!1!1”? How?

          • If you’re trying to get banned for being a contentious dick, you’re doing a great job.

            Comparing homosexual marriage to bestiality? Check.
            Concern trolling? Check.
            Strawmen so hokey they couldn’t fin work as scarecrows? Also check.

            Go ahead, keep going for the prize…

          • Marco

            Lacking some reading skillzz, right?

          • You wanted it, you got it, Toyota Banhammer!

          • Duckbudder

            Hammer Time

          • Lizzietish81
          • John Griffone

            The smart thing to do when arguing an indefensible position is to insult the forum moderator as quickly as possible, thus inviting a ban. That way you can tell yourself that you are a victim and a martyr instead of just another cake rapist.

          • John Griffone

            Don’t you mean “How?!?!11!”

          • natoslug

            Automatic or manual? I’m partial to the CVT myself, but have never considered fucking one. The idea of sticking my cock in a big chunk of machinery has never appealed to me, but to each his own, I guess.

          • calliecallie

            Free market. I don’t think it means what you think it means.

          • Marco

            It does, I studied economics for, like, 15 years (all the wau to post-phd), and its exactly this.

          • Villago Delenda Est

            Um, no. Another dipshit who hasn’t read Adam Smith.

          • John Griffone

            Wait, you have a doctorate in economics? That explains the impeccable reasoning skills (oops, I mean skillzz). Also the weird cake fetish.

          • Captain Kraut

            Ah, then you’ll certainly know that the whole Pareto efficiency thing is a scam that got started to justify a papal dogma (and, by pure coincidence, to fuck over the poor), don’t you?

          • John Griffone

            FCRA. Is that the Federation of Cake Rape Afficianados? Please, leave the confections alone Marco.

          • 24601

            Homosexuality to beastiality in under 4 minutes. You’ve outdone yourself.

          • Treg Brown

            I’d award extra points if he’s been able to work “throat cramming” into the conversation. Rookie mistake.

          • MrBlobfish

            The 2015 Lamborghini Marco: Zero to 60 in 10 Derps.

          • Mehmeisterjr

            Yep, mighty fine trolling from that one.

            I’ve heard that in some of those southern states, raping your sisters is against the law. So why is this collection of child rapist, abettors and enthusiasts on a moral high horse?

          • gedjcj

            14 + hours ago the trolling was good enough that I got sucked into responding, but afterwards, not so much.

          • 24601

            Just so long as it’s not Brazilian Labrador Fart Porn.

          • elviouslyqueer

            True dat. Those Labrador farts are pure poison.

          • jmk

            Boxers are worse.

          • Angry_Cop

            BRAVO, you have hit the homo-hating trifecta.

            FYI, there is no nation where fucking animals is legal.

          • MrBlobfish

            My mother showed me an Op-Ed from the NY Post where somehow talk of Obamacare got to the crazy Danes and their socialized medicine and animal-fucking. I brought this up to the two Danelandians I know. They were quite surprised to know this.

          • gedjcj

            Two immigrant generations and one visit behind me I loved the open faced sandwiches but missed the animal fucking…

          • Captain Kraut

            Probably just a misunderstanding: it’s quite true that Danes love their Hot Dogs and will do nigh unspeakable things to them when in the throes of impassioned abandon, but the term still refers to a sausage in a bun, nothing remotely sexual about that!

          • EscherEnigma

            Eh, I doubt that. It wasn’t until a few years ago that bestiality became a crime in Florida†. So I figure there’s probably some first world country where bestiality isn’t a crime. Heck, IIRC a common punishment for bestiality in India is often being married to the animal (causing the offender to (A) pay a dowry to the animal’s owner and (B) wait until the animal naturally dies before they can marry a human).

            ________
            †Apparently such things had previously been prosecuted as “animal cruelty”. Then someone argued that the animal enjoyed it. I can’t remember if the accused got off with that defense or not, but the state legislature finally got around to criminalizing bestiality itself as a result.

          • Lefty Frizzell

            cool story bro.

          • Lizzietish81

            Ah, but you can refuse to sell a dog to someone you think is going to hurt it due to animal protection laws.

          • calliecallie

            I think the banhammer might be on the fritz.

          • Lizzietish81

            Oh stop, he hasn’t done anything bannable yet.

            Just very mockable.

          • gedjcj

            “Yet”, I tried answering this idiot.

          • Marco

            Oh, please do it! Just got banned from Redstate, id be honored to being banned from someone from the other side of the spectrum (so to the other side, that they are eerily alike).

          • Lizzietish81

            Once when I was a clinic escort, in Boston in the first years of the Pedo Priest arrests, a guy showed up, hung out across the street and started openly mocking the Catholic Church with dances and shit (the protesters were all Catholic)

            One of the other escorts went up to him, asked what he was doing and to please stop “helping” us. After the discussion, my fellow escort walked up to the head protesters and said “That guy is a dick”.

            Sometimes it’s not “both sides do it”, sometimes you’re just being an asshole.

            Or a libertarian.

            Also…”both sides do it” gives me Bingo

          • jmk

            It’s tempting, but I don’t think actually called for.

            EDIT: Oops.. having read further down the thread, I honor your prescience.

          • Lizzietish81

            Also, why were you looking up zoophilia laws?

          • Reddishrabbit

            For a friend, I’m sure.

          • gedjcj

            I understand now why Disqus only allows single upvotes.

          • david green

            Trollin’ trollin’ trollin’. Keep those doggies trollin’ would be my guess.

          • John Griffone

            Are you suggesting that gay people want to fuck their wedding cake? Well, I for one will not stand for all this cake-fucking. That’s what pies are for.

          • dan miller

            Bestiality is completely legal in the following 18 states, districts, and territories:

            Alabama; Arkansas; Washington, D.C.; Guam; Hawaii; Kentucky; Montana; Nevada; New Hampshire; New Jersey; New Mexico; Ohio; Texas; Vermont; Virginia; West Virginia; and Wyoming

            Bestiality is a misdemeanor in the following 19 states (or territories):

            Alaska; California; Colorado; Connecticut; Florida; Iowa; Kansas; Louisiana; Maine; Maryland; Minnesota; Nebraska; New York; North Dakota; Oregon; Pennsylvania; Utah; Virgin Islands; and Wisconsin

            http://www.allthingscrimeblog.com/2013/07/16/bestiality-is-legal-in-the-same-states-that-ban-same-sex-marriage/

          • gedjcj

            Guess I should’ve scrolled down, I was assuming (like a good christian) you weren’t you a troll. Or an asshole. Please go back to the Bible and see who you most identify with and what happened to them.

        • 24601

          People do. Businesses that serve the public have a whole different set of rules.

        • elviouslyqueer

          As I’ve mentioned before, baking a cake is not “taking part in a wedding,” it is providing a service FOR the wedding.

          • 24601

            Unless the baker is going to jump out of the cake at the reception.

          • Treg Brown

            Which with the right bakers, could be awesome.

          • Barley_Brains

            Ta da!! (jazz hands, jazz hands, jazz hands)

        • Spotts1701

          Then they should close their business and just sell cakes to their friends. If you run a business, you serve everyone who walks in the door unless they are unwilling to pay their bills or they behave like assholes. Those are the only two classes of people that you have an absolute right to refuse service to.

        • Lizzietish81

          Which is why Lunch counters can keep blacks out.

        • MrBlobfish

          Can’t get married without a license issued by…………..THE STATE!1!11

          • Villago Delenda Est

            People tend to forget that marriage is first and foremost about property rights, and spelling them out so that if a legal question comes up, there are rules for answering that question. The church in modern times has jack shit to do with that. There are examples within a religion (say Catholicism or Judaism) that are germane only to those within the religion, but the state ultimately rules the roost on that.

        • jviscont1

          public accommodations law does not allow you to define who falls into the category of ‘public’.

        • jmk

          Sorry, but if someone thinks that a wedding is a religious message, that works for THEIR wedding. They don’t get to determine the message – religious or otherwise – of someone ELSE’S wedding.

          These people need to grow the fuck up.

        • gedjcj

          Marco, I was willing to take you at your word that this was an honest question, but you got a damn good answer and ignored it. (Please note I scrolled down so this is a rhetorical response.)

          If a wedding is a “religious message” then it should have no legal standing at all under the 1st Amendment to the Constitution of the United States of America.

          Legally marriage is a civil contract that infers certain rights and responsibilities upon the parties involved, the state, and other entities whose activities are licensed by the state.

          People should have the right to do (and dont do) whatever they want

          So I’m thinking I can just direct my sewage onto your lot, also about your daughter…

      • gedjcj

        DING! DING! DING! We have a winner… (Sorry, haven’t figured out how to make that musical note sign.)

    • Treg Brown

      Not sure really.

      • Blank Ron

        What depresses me (among so many other things) is that we’re on track to see signs like that again. Here and there.

    • Jack_Carter_USA

      If you do business with the public, you are not allowed to refuse service to people because of who they are. If you disagree, consider what the signatories would say if you tried refusing service to straight white Christians simply because they are straight white Christians.

      • gedjcj

        “That’s different!”

    • My feeling is, if you don’t want to be open to the public, then don’t open. If one bakery can refuse services simply based on beliefs about a customer’s status, then they all can. And if bakeries can, so can everyone else. And where will I get lube jobs then?

      • Me not sure

        Truly, a question without an answer.

        • Blank Ron

          The answer isn’t ‘Jiffy Lube’?

          • Me not sure

            My wife says it is at our house.

          • gedjcj

            Ms ged would be fine if you”re talking about your car, otherwise come to dinner, I can’t make any promises.

          • Me not sure

            Sympatico!

    • Spotts1701

      Well, aside from the fact that being licensed by the state to operate a business is predicated on obeying state laws (including ones forbidding discrimination), there is the issue of how “flexible” some of these folks have been in interpreting that belief. The florist in Washington who was just fine selling a gay man flowers for his boyfriend but drew the line at selling him flowers for their wedding, for one handy example.

    • Marceline

      I agree with you in general but the reason that minorities have the option to take their business elsewhere is because somebody sat at a lunch counter and demanded to be served in the name of fairness. Back then, when black people traveled we had to figure out how to eat and find a restroom because people like these morons didn’t want to serve us. I’m not willing to sit back while hypocritical “Christians” try to bring the bad old days back. But yeah, I wouldn’t want to eat anything I had to force someone to make and I sure wouldn’t want these people anywhere near my wedding.

    • Angry_Cop

      If your business – your living – is baking/decorating cakes, then that’s what you do, every day. No matter who asks you for what. You take every paying piece of work that crosses your door and turn it around and send out the best product you can.

      If that’s not your mindset, you’re not a businessman and deserve no further consideration.

  • mrFawkes

    Coincidentally, 50,433 is the population of Dry Hate, Arizona, a gated all-white retirement compound.

    • Nounverb911

      Does their sheriff wear a pink jumpsuit?

      • mrFawkes

        Yes, but he’s tied up in court these days so he’s passing the baton to Steven Segal.

        • willi0000000

          . . . and the gun
          and the bullet
          and the holster
          and the police radio
          and the taser
          and the pepper spray
          and the utility belt
          and the police car
          and the armored police car
          and the police tank
          and the police helicopter
          and the police UAV

  • schmannity

    Slightly off topic, but I was around a bunch of RWNJs, Teatards. and other gullible riff raff of the GOP this weekend and was struck by the number of tattoos. I wonder how closely these people read Leviticus about this prohibited pagan practice.

    • JohnE_o

      That’s different because, “Shut up!”, that’s why…

    • Jack_Carter_USA

      Not to mention mixing milk and meat, eating pork, trimming your beard, working on the Sabbath, taking God’s name in vain, etc. They’re doomed.

      • MrBlobfish

        Amateurs. I do all that before getting out of bed in the morning.

        • Vecciojohn

          Who among us has not lay in bed of a Sunday morn, trimming our beard, munching a ham ‘n’ cheese sammich, catching up on work and cussin’ up a storm?

          • eggsacklywright

            Plus ham and cheese requires beer.

          • Villago Delenda Est

            Heck, I’ve done that on a Monday morn!

          • elviouslyqueer

            It’s like you know me, honey.

          • I had a ham and cheese sandwich (on an onion bun) for dinner because of you, just so you know. All your fault.

      • Villago Delenda Est

        mmmm….cheeseburgers!

        • Jack_Carter_USA

          Bacon cheeseburgers, no less.

          • Villago Delenda Est

            That’s right! Pour on the Yahweh defying toppings!

      • Logic of Color

        Whistling on a Tuesday (probably in there somewhere)

    • major_asshole

      Read?! You expect those mindless twits to actually read?!

  • freakishlystrong

    Again, the question should be asked of all of them, all the time, “of whom do you want to be President?” Not gays, not women, not poors, Latino or Blah. Who do they think Americans are?

    • Villago Delenda Est

      Not gays, not women, not poors, not Latinos, not blahs. Simple!

  • cousin itt

    Really, our Colorado legal weed laws are the highest in the land.

    • Villago Delenda Est

      Washington and Oregon libelz!

      (Seriously, have you seen Mt. Rainier from Puget Sound? Much more impressive than the Front Range!)

      • cousin itt

        You mean that one day a year when the Sun comes out?

        • Villago Delenda Est

          And what a glorious day it is!

      • gedjcj

        SHUSH, SHUSH, SHUSH!11!1!!

        It always rains here, the sun never shines!!! Sheesh! didn’t you get the memo??

  • BoatOfVelociraptors

    Pray harder next time.

  • JohnE_o

    So all these folks are going to continue bravely not believing gays are really married in the eyes of God?

    Well, okay, I guess…

    • Logic of Color

      I know. Ouch, right? Take that, the gheys!

      • david green

        I’ve always wondered if my marriage by a justice of the peace is recognized by the Baptist church as a valid marriage?

  • MrBlobfish

    The proclamation looked much more forceful in it’s original construction paper and crayon format.

  • Callyson

    Quick question for those 50,443 wingnuts:

    • gedjcj

      And anyone else.

  • Angry_Cop

    If these meatheads were truly serious, they’d be arming up, buying trains, tattoo guns and pink cloth triangles and making their own version of FEMA camps. Maybe “Freedom Camps”, lol. At any rate, they are doing none of these things, and the inevitable conclusion about how serious they are must be made; they are not. At all.

    • Nounverb911

      Or they could just get Texas to finally secede.

  • Open letters threaten the sanctity of traditional letters.

    • Villago Delenda Est

      Sounds like you work for Microsoft…

  • jviscont1

    and if only 50 million were able to dispute Bush v Gore more effectively.

    • Gorillionaire

      BRAVO

  • Logic of Color

    When we’re all forced in to Gay Buttsecks (for the guys, Air Hockey for the ladies I assume) I’ll be reluctantly choosing from the Wonkette commenteratti.

  • Relativicus

    Obviously, should gay marriage be deemed a right, we will soon see conservative legislatures seek to pass laws requiring 72-hour waiting periods, documentation proving a couple is actually gay and not just pretending, and narrative ultrasounds prior to the ceremony.

    • Reddishrabbit

      I’m sure there will be some holy RWNJ more than willing to watch the evidence of the gay couple. In a private dark room. For Jebus.

    • Ryan Denniston

      Didn’t Alabama toy with the idea of no marriages for anyone, or a county in Alabama? Even I was surprised by that one.

      • Villago Delenda Est

        “Waaah! If I can’t marry only heteros, I’m taking my ball and going away!”

  • SK

    If only the court could make them not have a choice.

  • deanbooth

    “Everybody out of the clown car and into the Je-bus!”

  • Joshua Norton

    We respectfully warn the Supreme Court not to cross this line.

    Verily, it is written that Pride goeth before the Fall – which is why in San Francisco they hold it in June!

    • MegPasadena

      So do they in Los Angeles!

  • Beowoof14

    Scarborough with two very Christian divorces is commenting on marriage. Well I would say that was ironic, but it was so effing stupid hypocritical I don’t know where to start.

    • Ryan Denniston

      Are annulments in the bible?

    • Lady Bug

      It’s almost at Duggar level of hypocrisy.

      • Villago Delenda Est

        He’s working on getting to full Duggar. Just give him a bit more rope…

      • dshwa

        Is that going to be our new unit of hypocrisy? Because a guy who’s been divorced twice commenting on preserving the sanctity of marriage would probably be 0.85 Duggars.

    • Protestants, Anglican church, Henry VIII…seems pretty typical to me.

  • calliecallie

    This seems like a futile gesture that some of these signatories will live to regret when it’s discovered they’ve been having the butt sex with the pool boy or someone.

    • Villago Delenda Est

      Their 5 year old nephew, most likely.

  • malsperanza

    Loving v. Virginia, 1968, Byotches. Bend over and get used to it.

  • Politics_Nerd

    I’d ask for some of what they’re having but it is clearly a bad strain that makes you paranoid and weird.

    • Villago Delenda Est

      The usual stuff for them. They should try the Catholic thing…drink the wine and chew the wafer.

  • eggsacklywright

    Whyfor they trying to force no buttsex down my froat?

  • Ryan Denniston

    I dunno, we might be too late for Rick…

    • elviouslyqueer

      Relax the back of your throat, Rick!

      • Bad Granny

        Look at him, he knows what he’s about.

    • automaticpilot

      something tells me he’s done this before

  • HogeyeGrex

    Aaaaand, one more time…

    • Jen_Baker_VA

      That is so epic o.O

      • gedjcj

        Somehow I’m thinkin’ I shouldn’t laugh so much, but wtf.

  • malsperanza

    Wondering if any of these fleabrains took 5th grade civics. Telling the SCOTUS that its ruling might be unconstitutional is kind of brilliant.

    Also this:

    “Our highest respect for the rule of law requires that we not respect an unjust law that directly conflicts with higher law.”

    Well now, waay back in the olden tymes, this logic was used as a reason why no Catholic could safely be elected Presnit, because JFK would always be answerable to the Pope above the Constitution. While I did not find that argument persuasive in 1960 (I was 5), it is sure looking like an excellent one to apply to the Fundaments: Huckabee, Santorum, and the rest.

    I’m trying to sort out what the goal of this ad is, other than blind hysterical grandstanding. It is unlikely to move anyone on the bench except Alito (I’m kinda surprised he didn’t sign it, actually). It’s unlikely to make WaPo readers do more than point and snicker (always excepting Jennifer Rubin’s fans).

    As for Billy Graham Junior, he’s still struggling to come to terms with the fact that occasionally, a Methodist is allowed to lead prayers in Congress, instead of a Christian.

    • Villago Delenda Est

      This imagined “higher law” of theirs is what makes me get all shouty and stabby and vote-y.

    • Spotts1701

      Well, when the sheep are blind and hysterical it makes it easier to shear ’em.

    • JR in WV

      I have heard (not witnessed it with mine own eyes, mind you!) that the Congress actually allows Jewish Preachers and Native American Pastors and Muslim Ministers to address them and speak of holy words to them. { No offence meant by the random nomination of these holy guys for the purpose of humor !! ]

      But there it is, anyone can be asked to “preach” a prayer for peace at the Congresses… no wonder Frank Graham is so over the top about the Gay Jewish Muslim Catholics preaching in public! Just Wow!

      What a bunch of rats these so called holy men are, to hate on people as a profession! Jesus didn’t tell them to do this, their own dark hatey hearts made them do it, the low life bastards!
      Jesus would have told them to come on in and have some of the wine!

  • Mehmeisterjr

    If I were a baker, I would bake a cake for Hitler’s wedding. I’d even send the newlyweds a loaded pistol as a gift.

    • Villago Delenda Est

      As fate would have it, that’s pretty much exactly how the wedding went.

      • Mehmeisterjr

        But at least they got to dance The Hokey-Pokey, right?

        • Enfant Terrible

          But not the Chicken Dance?

          • LIT_Fag

            And definitely not the Jewterbug dance.

        • Donna Rail

          That’s what it’s all about.

  • OneYieldRegular

    Yet, without even furrowing their brows, these hypocrites will continue to consume clam chowder until God sends them to the fiery depths on Judgment Day – and takes away their sourdough bread bowls as well.

    • Swampgas_Man

      And their damned bacon cheeseburgers!

      • handyhippie65

        mmmMMMmmm…bacon cheesyburger! if we weren’t supposed to eat pigs, why do they taste so awesome?

  • Kat Anyperson

    According to lowball demographic statistics, 1.6% of the US population identified as gay or lesbian in 2014. If we do the math, that works out to roughly 5,076,767 people.

    50,443 bigots vs the civil rights of over 5 million people- a number that climbs even higher when looking at other surveys and when the rest of the LGTB spectrum is included.

    These bigots can claim “millions” of people support them, but over half of the population supports the right to gay marriage. They don’t have to get gay married if they don’t want to, nor do they have to attend a church that supports/offers gay marriage. Isn’t it grand how religious freedom actually works?

    • Blank Ron

      To absolutely everybody else, yes.

  • jmk

    I would like to reassure these geniuses that, even though my sister got gay-married a year ago, no one forced my brothers and I to get gay-married to anyone also too…and the two brothers who do have wives didn’t have to trade them in for husbands of equal or lesser value.

    The only result of my sister’s marriage is that I need to send one more anniversary card out each year.

    • Mehmeisterjr

      See? Opression!!!!!!!1..1>111.1!!.1!!.1!

      • jmk

        You’re right! Oh the humanity!!!

    • artem1s

      yea, but you’re gonna FORCE Hallmark to print you up a ghey-anniversary card, right? Or are you gonna FORCE Hobby Lobby to sell you glitter and stuff so you can make a ghey-versary card? Which true American business throats are you gonna throat cram your ghey-card buying monies down?

  • Jen_Baker_VA

    here are tens of thousands of people of faith, in fact, hundreds of thousands, if not millions

    No no, pastor, here are 50k schmucks who make a living off bigot bucks so naturally they’re gonna sign your little petition. If yer gonna make stuff up, at least try to be plausible.
    I got ten bucks that this thing gets less “signers” then the Texas seced thingy thing. Hell, with just 50k viewers, a network would yank a show.

    Also with, one more time because it can never be said enough, giving other people rights does not infringe on your religious rights to hate them (even though, that is precisely what Jesus said NOT TO DO).

    • just_jim

      One difference is that a lot of people outside Texas signed the Texas seced thingy, but nobody outside the haters is going to sign this.

  • Fly

    If the dead enders would just relax and not be so uptight, sodomy and gay marriage would be easier to swallow. You know they want it. Why else would anyone obsess so much about a thing?

  • Donna Rail

    I’m glad they’re so concerned about everybody’s love life. Maybe they can find me a boyfriend.

    • smr06va

      Please don’t date one of the Duggar boys…………….they’re creepy……………

    • frambley1

      Sorry, but if the Supreme Court rules for gay marriage, you will have to take up with a woman. We will all be issued gay marriage licenses and be forced to get gay married.

  • Biel_ze_Bubba

    Supreme fucking Court Justice Antonin Scalia delivered a commencement speech at an all-girls Catholic high school in Bethesda, Maryland. He warned the assembled, “You should not leave Stone Ridge High School thinking that you face challenges that are at all, in any important sense, unprecedented. Humanity has been around for at least some 5,000 years or so.”

    Not sure if my head or my desk is going to give out first.

    • Mehmeisterjr

      They tapped Scalia to the be the commencement speaker? Was Archbishop Jozef Wesolowski unavailable?

    • willi0000000

      i must have a hard head . . . i’m on my third desk.

    • david green

      Well, technically correct if “or so” means a couple of million.

  • Swampgas_Man

    I look forward to the Cake Rapist Deleted Comments this Sunday.

  • misscellaneous

    They’re still tying to make fetch happen. Give it up. No gays are ordering pizza weddings.

  • VandeGraf

    The problem is that since the day God set up the sex process, he hasn’t understood any of it. He pretty much just shakes his head and says to himself, “Them fornicators, what will they get up to next?!” So, see, God depends on people with the unlikely name of Rick Scarborough to tell everyone what to do, because, he’s, like, bemused by the whole thing. It’s not so much that he wishes the whole sex thing would go away, but that people would quit making such a federal case about it! “Jesus, tell those people to get a life!”

    • frambley1

      Yeah, this guy was chosen specifically by God to talk for Jebus. How could anyone argue with the true word of the Lord, which this guy definitely knows better than any of us sinners. Thank god for these mortals who judge other people just like they themselves were God or Jebus.

  • Celtic_Gnome

    They are aware, aren’t they, that heterosexual couples can do the buttsechs also too?

    • Silence Is Golden

      Oh they know ;) It’s one of those special secrets. Besides, if gay sex is legal it takes all the fun out of doing it. Kinda like drugs.

    • Joseph

      that is the problem. they have no idea why people want to do but sex or hood of the car sex, or lawn sex ., or hay stack sex or pool sex standing up sex during the 700 Club. They are afraid all the people that like those things and others are having great sex just about anytime they want and they can’t figure out what the big deal is over 90 seconds of friction with the lights off.

      See, the problem is that they are doing it wrong. they need some training tapes and tips and permission. “May I have sex on the ottoman just before the guests get here?” Yes you may! Just go for it.
      If my husband/significant other/milk man garbs me while I’m on the phone is it OK to just say I’ll call them back?” Absolutely!

      It’s all OK! Just don’t disturb the neighbors or scare the children.

  • handyhippie65

    50,000 out of 300,000,000. that is the wingnuts idea of a “majority of americans”.

    • Lord-Nash

      …Butbutbut, it’s the majority of the people we asked!!!…That we were pretty certain would sign the petition…anyway…..

  • gedjcj

    SHHH!!, It alway rains here, the sun never shines!! Don’t even think of moving here!!

    Regarding the Olympics, yeah and the Cascades, too: which is freaking me out because that’s where our water comes from. (Don’t even think of moving here!)

  • D_C_Wilson

    This may be the grift to end all grifts. They’re putting all their chips in on this one. “Gay marriage will be the end of America AAIIIEEEE!!!!! Dogs and cats, living together! Mass hysteria! Oh, and send money!”

    I worry about these wingnuts. The SCOTUS is going to issue its ruling soon and then they’ll have their big freak out. They’ll run around like Chicken Little screaming the end is nigh. That may last a few weeks, but then, the majority of Americans will notice that fire still isn’t falling from the sky. They’ll see preachers aren’t being hauled off to FEMA camps and the IRS isn’t forcing them to gay marry illegal immigrants or give up their Obamacare. Then in late August the new TV season will begin and they’ll forget what everyone was so afraid of.

    Then what? What grift are they going to turn to after gay butt sechs marriage hasn’t cracked open the Earth? How are they going to top this level of hysteria? How are they going to scare old ladies into sending in their Social Security checks?

    Won’t somebody please think of the wingnut grifters?

    • gedjcj

      Won’t somebody please think of the wingnut grifters?

      Not me. Get a job, mooches!

    • david green

      I’m not going to stop worrying until SCOTUS actually affirms the right to marry Steve. Given the tortured (worse than tortured, but I can’t think of a word) logic in the Hobby Lobby case, I don’t think any outcome can be predicted.

  • Dee Andee

    “As people of faith we pledge obedience to our Creator when the State
    directly conflicts with higher law. We respectfully warn the Supreme
    Court not to cross this line.”

    They ‘respectfully warn?’ The Supreme Court? Or what? Or fucking WHAT, losers? What are you going to do, put Saran wrap over their toilet seats? Snag RBG’s lace collar? Decide you won’t pay taxes any more? Wave your gunz and your flaccid fupas around at us some more? Enjoy jail. And definitely enjoy obscurity, as time wears on and you and your squeaky whiney demands mean less and less. By the end of the decade, every time you squeal, the rest of us will just roll our eyes at you.

  • Mary

    Can anyone tell me why the grammar and spelling are so very much better on this site’s comments page than on the Jebusites’ pages? No one has written, for instance, “all thing’s are possibal threw god.” I kinda miss it. Just sayin’.

    • gedjcj

      Just a guess, but maybe we happen to be “liberally” educated?

      • Iam Reading

        I gots the ejumakashun 2!

    • Lord-Nash

      Wonkette doesn’t allow lolCats?

  • Dave

    In related news, the church I attend in a small town in Wisconsin has just formally approved officiating same gender weddings.

    Many of the older members shifted in favor of gay weddings because they felt the anger and hatred against gays was worse than being gay. Slow progress, but progress just the same.

  • VirginiaLady

    These people are just jealous that the gays are getting all the attention. They must be front and center in the news for Jeebus! Big Fat attention pigs that no one cares about.

  • JAWs

    Stop shoving gay marriage down our throats and spewing your heated, sticky rhetoric of “freedoms” in our faces!

  • major_asshole

    These people understand that their higher law says that they should stone adulterers to death, right? So why are Rush Limbaugh and half of Congress still alive?

    Oh! It’s because they believe in the “right” sky fairy, isn’t it?

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