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The Chosen One, which hath been foretold.

Things are getting rough out there for Ted Cruz, ever since God and Jesus personally visited his dad Rafael Cruz late at night to put a baby in his butt to tell Ted he’s supposed to run for president of America. So young Teddy did answereth the call to be The Chosen One, and HOLY FUCKBISCUITS, it sucks! That is the message of Cruz’s latest whore-grifter campaign email, published Thursday by Mother Jones, and he needs your money to end his pain and suffering.

Here are all the reasons Ted Cruz hates getting up every single day of his godforsaken life:

He can’t see his family anymore: “Spending almost every day on the campaign trail or fighting on the Senate floor means precious little time spent with my wife, Heidi, and my daughters — the very family that gives me the motivation and drive to fight.”

TOO MUCH PIZZA, and none of his native Cuban-Canadian food: “Health and sleep: My runoff campaign for the Senate in 2012 took a toll, but now I’m sacrificing even more sleep with long nights and constant travel. And the pizza diet is a staple on the campaign trail.”

God doesn’t reimburse for travel costs associated with being The Chosen One: “Finances: the cost of campaigning back and forth across the country for president is increasingly expensive, but Heidi and I are willing to invest our livelihoods into this sacrifice.” Wait, we thought he never got to see Heidi?

He doesn’t even have time to rub one out or talk to Jesus, sometimes simultaneously, ’cause there’s always people around, triflin’ all up in his business: “Personal time: You think of this the least, but as a candidate, my days are no longer my own. Days start before dawn and many times don’t end until early the next morning. There is almost no personal time when you run for president.”

But he HAS TO run for president, even though it is the worstest and he just wants to go home. So won’t you give him $35, $100, $250 or $1,000 to “restore America?”

He can’t save the country — by de-gaying the Supreme Court, murdering the federal government once it’s done cleaning up from the floods in Texas flooding, and just generally being a total asshole — unless America’s wingnuts give him all their moneys.

Won’t you join him? PLEASE? The sooner you click that donation link above, the sooner America will be saved, and the sooner Ted Cruz can stop crying about how much he hates everything.

[Mother Jones]

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  • Charles Cates

    Many are called but few are chosen. For good reason.

    Welcome, Donna Rose Wonkette!!!!!

  • Lizzietish81

    What a whiny bitch.

    • FauxAntocles

      “Look at what you’re making me do. Give me money.”

    • Latverian Diplomat

      Way to have the common touch, Ted.

      “You think your little lives are hard? Look at how I live, and I’m doing this for YOU! Where are my parades and medals? I’m an honest to gosh martyr here! You ungrateful saps!”

  • Tallmutha

    This is the best strategy since Bob Dole resigned from the senate and thus made the rationale for his campaign “Vote for Bob Dole so he doesn’t get bored.”

    • geoffalnutt

      Bored “stiff”. Can’t/won’t ever forget his Viagra ads, either.

    • jmk

      At least Dole had a sense of humor.

  • Lizzietish81

    Does Cruz think being President will be easier? Actually he probably does, I mean he’s a lazy shit as a senator, I’m sure as President he’ll be even lazier.

    You know who else thought running a country was too hard?

    • Oblios_Cap

      Leon Trotsky?

      • Meccalopolis

        whatever happened to…

        • MrBlobfish

          He got an ice pick

          • Lefty Frizzell

            That made his ears burn

          • Meccalopolis

            yes! stranglers – FTW

    • Dr.Zoidberg

      Me?

    • jviscont1

      Louis XVI?

    • memzilla

      Every model railroad builder ever?

    • calliecallie

      Edward VIII? He preferred getting laid by Wallis Simpson.

    • JoeChristmas

      ISIS?

    • Duckbudder

      My cousin Steve

      • AntiDerpomeme

        I love that guy!

    • Latverian Diplomat

      Sara Palin? No, wait, that was just running one small city.

    • alwayspunkindrublic

      Idi Amin?

      • Latverian Diplomat

        At least he was not on the pizza diet, if certain stories are true (rhymes with Hannibal).

    • LarryHoudini

      If big government is the problem, electing fuckwits that do nothing is obviously the solution!
      CRUZ FOR PRESIDENT!! HE PROMISES TO DO NOTHING!! POUTINE FOR ALL!!!!

      • Blank Ron

        He’s from Alberta. What he knows about poutine could be carved in three-inch high letters on a block of granite, put in your eye, and not be noticed.
        Vive le Québec libre!

    • Sheepshagger

      Forrest Gump ?

    • bobbert

      Not Reagan. He had henchmen for that.

  • A Bashful Nobody

    Dork.

  • I wouldn’t piss in in his mouth if his stomach was on fire.

    • Relativicus

      Meh, I would. I mean, how many chances would you ever get to do that? YOLO LOL!

      • Relativicus you are a beacon of compassion and empathy.

        • Sheepshagger

          Well in the spirit of charity I’ll give rafael the steam off my shit on a cold day. That’s my final offer though.

  • Oblios_Cap

    If he’s already this worn out, I can’t wait until election time to see what he looks like.

    Politicking is a harsh mistress. Send him some Black Beauties.

  • Dr.Zoidberg

    Wow, what a whiny baby. Sounds like someone missed his nap.

    • calliecallie

      Whiny titty baby. (Which has a new meaning today, doesn’t it. Maybe I can’t use this phrase as I used to. For a while, anyway.)

      • Catstro

        ‘Twould be newborn babby Donna libel for sure.

        As the mother of a 17 month old toddler (who is absolutely the light of my life), there have been a couple of days recently where comparing Ted Cruz to a toddler would have been Ted Cruz libel.

        • Vienna Woods

          Some days they’re priceless, some days they’re free.

        • FlownOver

          Justin Harris would like a word with you.

          • Catstro

            Ha! We can’t even joke about rehoming our cats, and they’re assholes 24/7. Also, not actually related to me by blood. Has Rep. Harris been rehomed (with votes) yet?

  • memzilla

    Whiny, grifty, and sleep-deprived is no way to go through life, son.

    • alwayspunkindrublic

      If that’s what we were looking for, $arah would be president.

  • Olav_Pompatus

    If Ted Cruz was in my family, I would contribute handsomely if that would keep him out on the road.

    • jmk

      We shall forever after call this The Heidi Strategy.

  • Meccalopolis

    lying is hard

  • schmannity

    Sorry Ted. I only contribute to candidates from my alma mater, GO BERNIE, not lesser schools known as The Ivies.

  • cousin itt

    In civilized countries the campaign season is mercifully short and lower cost. Too bad Ted and his ilk make sure the USA remains among the stupidest nations on Earth in every way from campaign reform to infant mortality and poverty.

    • ButIKnowWhatILike

      Our permanent election season is a direct result of the supreme court’s determination that money is speech. Thanks again, fuckbrains.

    • Lord-Nash

      I wonder how much more ridiculous it will have to get before we set limitations on elections? As ButKnowWhatILike said, we have a ‘permanent election season’. The arduously long campaign trail will drive away all but the most insane, ill prepared and ill informed potential candidates. Very similar to now where some moderate candidates (mostly moderate conservatives that aren’t totally vomit worthy) won’t campaign because they have to adopt the anti science, failed economic policies and bible waving rhetoric that permeates the trail now in order to get any backing from the RNC. And with what, a dozen candidates now (if it’s that few) I just can’t see major companies deciding to dump a great deal of money into what is now the equivalent of the pre-earlybird only until 6am doorbuster Monday BEFORE Black Friday sale of the campaign. Even though companies are free to donate whatever money to whatever candidate, someone’s going to wise up and say “We’re just wasting our money at this point. Let’s give it some more time, wait until the field thins and THEN we’ll back someone who vaguely promises offshore tax incentives for us.”

  • VandeGraf

    Sorry, Ted. You get to decide. You get to do the work. I suppose a grateful nation could probably find some foster-companionship for Heidi, but it simply doesn’t want to do the pimping. So, it’s all you. Tilt at the windmills on your own dime.

  • Left Coast Tom

    No free time, no poutine…I suggest he quit running for President, resign from the Senate, and spend more time with his wife and family. Though it’s entirely possible his wife and family prefer him staying away.

  • jviscont1

    if he runs out of cash and throws in the towel to spend more time with the family, we all owe Heidi and the kids an apology.

    • handyhippie65

      why? she married him, and i weren’t holding a shotgun.

  • Brother Yam

    Thinking what the last lazy Texan did as President, I’m none too keen to hire another one.

    • memzilla

      Read my lips: No New Texans!

    • schmannity

      Even clearing brush is beneath Little Lord Teddy.

      • Tallmutha

        If When he’s elected he’ll have the press corps down to his Texas digs to watch him clear his throat.

        • schmannity

          If ever the subjunctive were called for, it’s Cruz as President.

    • handyhippie65

      you and me both.

  • memzilla

    “Elect me so I can get more sleep, eat better food, get laid more, and get richer.”

    WOW what an inspiration you are, Rafael! Who’s your campaign manager, Fuckwit von Cockspittle?

  • eggsacklywright

    Teddy needs his blanky.

    • Suse

      And his binky.

  • calliecallie

    Heidi’s donating her livelihood just to get his ass out of the house, IMHO.

    • Dee Andee

      You may be on to something there… ;)

  • Ryan Denniston

    I myself would complain about having to deepthroat corndogs at every campaign event. He’s going to whine to me about pizza? God forbid someone calls him at 3AM.

  • deanbooth

    Heidi and his daughters also sent out a fundraising letter: “For God’s sake, please keep him on the road!”

  • geoffalnutt

    Great. We’d have a severely sleep-deprived, Jesus-haunted Preznit…who’s lately lived on nothing but pizza. I think not, kids.

  • Skwerl King

    Teddy boy, if you can’t stand the campaign, stay out of the election.

  • MrBlobfish

    I will donate a juice box.

    • eggsacklywright

      And a sippy cup.

  • Ryan Denniston

    Someone tell this guy he has to earn his way into a Fox gig. They don’t just hand them out for free.

    • Left Coast Tom

      Sarah Palin libelz!

  • deanbooth

    Worst of all, running for president is taxing.

    • Querolous

      ISWYDT!

  • handyhippie65

    aww, poor widdle cruz missile, how bout i give him a quarter to call someone who cares?

    • david green

      A quarter? Just how old are you?

      • handyhippie65

        old enough to remember when a pay phone was a dime. oh, and pay phones. they aren’t just changing rooms for superman.

  • Lefty Frizzell

    What a coy little teaser! he’s pretending he doesn’t want to do this at all, but if you really really want him to he’s got no choice has he?

  • crunchyknee

    God is broke. Too bad, Theodore.

  • Lizzietish81

    Can we send him a bag of dicks?

  • alwayspunkindrublic

    Total grift queen. Poor dope…somebody donate some bootstraps, quick!

  • alwayspunkindrublic

    Don’t worry, little Teddy, there are no presidential winners and losers. Everybody gets a cookie and a gold star just for trying.

  • MrBlobfish

    Sounds to me like he’s one step from becoming BJ Queen of the Truck Stop to raise campaign funds.

    • Steverino247

      Put another quarter in the waitress
      And have her suck that truck-drivn’ man

      • Querolous

        The closest Teddy has ever been to a 13 speed Roadranger was riding in his limo on the freeway.

  • AntiDerpomeme

    Any moneeze that I might otherwise be donating to Cubacanadian candidates (hahah, as if!!), I’m instead investing for future candidates. The compound interest accrued when Donna Rose decides to run for prez’dnt might be worth something, provided Senator Warren gets to fixin’ those banks up properly.

  • Mary Sandoras

    Put on your big boy pants and pull yourself up by your bootstraps and STFU with the whining.

  • Steverino247

    Stigmata. That’s what you call it when you shoot a hole in your fott these days?

    • alwayspunkindrublic

      You’re thinking of Sig-mata.

      • Steverino247

        Very clever.

        • Querolous

          Sauer grapes.

          • Steverino247

            Sig Heil?

  • dslindc

    Getting other people to fund your campaign? What a taker!

    • Dee Andee

      Ikr? Where are his bootstraps?

  • Reddishrabbit

    Gosh, I hope whining is covered by ACA now an days, sounds like he needs a good dose of shut up.

  • andy synonymous

    He’s unduly proud of his stigmata. Cruz is a nasty vile little mark snob.

  • A Big Sarcastic Fairy!

    My heart bleeds borscht for him. So quit already and stop yer bitchin’

    • Rick Hill

      My “world’s tiniest violin” is playing “My heart pumps purple piss for your troubles” is so loud it drowns out his whiny ass voice.

      • Blank Ron

        Have you got one for sale? I need something to drown out those ‘Justin Trudeau isn’t ready to be Prime Minister’ ads on TV.

        • FlownOver

          Jagger’s kid? They grow up so fast.

        • Rick Hill

          Well, I have the worlds second smallest violin but it only plays “Who gives a rat’s ass, you whiny cant”

  • Antimassacree

    Since even studying with people from the lesser Ivy schools was too geat a sacrifice, it comes as no surprise that repeated pizza eating has him clutching his pearls.

  • fawkedifiknow

    He forgot to mention that blah guy in the People’s WHITE House and how that just rankles the living shit out of him and Jesus.

  • OneYieldRegular

    Complainer in Chief.

  • OneYieldRegular

    Oh, and babby arrived? Yay, cool, congratulations! I sure picked a lousy night to go to bed early.

    • jmk

      I, for one, welcome our Babby Donna Rose overlord….

      • Villago Delenda Est

        Don’t forget that she’s a stubborn JERK BABY who hangs around places when she’s no longer welcome.

        • Biel_ze_Bubba

          Sort of like Scott Walker.

    • Shibusa

      Me too! I saw the photos on Shy’s Twitter feed. That is awesome. Too bad we couldn’t have an eShower for Editrix.

  • What an obnoxious POS.

  • Ergoetal

    Plus, having to listen to country music 24/7.

  • JohnR

    Fucksake I’ll give him something ti cry about.

  • Vecciojohn
  • Angry_Cop

    Plus he has to be around Republican primary voters all day, every day, and I would argue that that’s as close to hell as a living man can get.

    • Sheepshagger

      Oh Jesus I never really thought of that. I mean in theory you know it happens, but he’ll have heard more fascist racist conspiracies than Herman Goerings morphine connect.

  • House0fTheBlueLights

    Wait, our favorite brown candidate has a wife named “Heidi”?

    • jmk

      A blonde wife called Heidi…

      It’s not just Jindal.

      • Politics_Nerd

        The blonde arm-stander-byer looks good on TV. Its in the Newtie Boy handbook on this crap.

        • nightmoth

          And they’re interchangeable. No wonder lifelong bachelor Lindsey Graham joked that, if elected, he’ll have a rotating first lady.

    • janecita

      Isn’t Marco Rubio our favorite brown candidate? I thought that Cruz was our favorite Canuck candidate!

      • LIT_Fag

        Part Cuban, part Canadian, and part ‘Murican? Four years ago we had Mitt Rmoney, this time we have Mutt Rmoney. I think that should be his name here on out.

  • Rick Hill

    He’s just getting warmed up. Wait till his campaign either gets some traction or he starts falling behind. that’s when he stops trying to sound rational.

  • jmk

    He learned well at the knee of Jerk Daddy Cruz… the grifting is easier when you sound all persecuted.

  • Politics_Nerd

    So crybaby. Wow. Much whine. I actually sent this in to the tipsline without knowing MJ published it. Why do I get Ted Cruz campaign emails? Because I hate myself or just like the lolz, I donno.

  • “HOLY FUCKBISCUITS”–I am SO stealing that!

  • janecita

    For goodness sake, I break out into hives, every time I see a fucking Republican on TV! I should start asking random people for money, antihistamines are expensive.

  • Villago Delenda Est

    How shocking. Rafael is a grifter like any other Christianist twit.

    Ms. Linsey’s fainting couch again, please.

  • Notreelyhelping

    Mommmmm! Muthhhh-errr!

  • nightmoth

    I would be happy to send him a 50-DD wet nurse to stopper that whiny mouth.

    • Blank Ron

      Unfair! Some of us would like one too!

  • BearGHAZI

    Is it legal to send a shitty diaper through the mail?

    • It’s legal to send copies of Twilight in the mail, so …

  • Logic of Color

    I honestly never expected Wonkette to campaign so hard for this guy.

  • Incoming Ham

    “Father, why hast thou forsaken me? No really – you never call. No one does.”

  • Me not sure

    “If you’ve got the money, honey, I’ve got the whine.
    Apologies to Hank Willams

  • Good_Gawd_Yall

    So quit, Teddy. It hasn’t hurt $arah’s griftin’ any.

    • Mintie

      Only because she’s conned people into doing her thinking for her.

      • david green

        There is absolutely no thinking going on around or in Sarah Palin.

  • SuspectedDemocrat

    Don’t worry, once you’re President, you can take a long vacation and go mountain biking, brush clearing, and intelligence report ignoring. Just like the last Republican President.

  • 3FingerPete

    Aaaaaand….cue Sarah McLachlan music!

  • Callyson

    If Cruz is now griping about the lack of sleep, imagine how much he’ll complain if he does become president.

    Indeed…

    • Enfant Terrible

      When that phone call comes in at 3 AM, let the poor dear sleep.

  • m3bosha

    It’s sad really. It’s almost like he’s lost the will to even try at this point.

  • Enfant Terrible

    Pizza at campaign events is so wrong – rubber chicken or GTFO!

  • Jen_Baker_VA

    Imma just thinkin out loud…but if cruz were elected we could have tiny tears speaker AND whiney boy pres. And the world will keep on laughin

  • motmelere

    His wife is willing to invest everything in keeping Ted on the trail & out of the house? Color me beige with a not-at-all shocked look on my face.

  • Aileen

    It is my sincere hope that Ted will have a lot more free time to spend with his family very soon.

    • D_C_Wilson

      No way! Ted is still comedy gold just by being out there as the huge asshole that he is. He owes it to us to stay on the trail at least until John Stewart’s tenure on The Daily Show is up.

  • SadDemInTex

    Please God, take this whine from me (and Texass).

  • Mehmeisterjr

    In the immortal words of Carmen Lombardo, “Boo Hoo.”

  • Boscoe

    I think Ted needs to stop being a parasite on the largess of “the Makers” and pull himself up by his own bootstraps. Sending him money will only de-incentivize him from working hard.

  • Bitter Scribe

    I hope some grifter starts a phony “Run Ted Run PAC” and drains off a lot of the money from the deluded souls who think we’d be better off with him in the White House. (Apparently that’s been happening to Ben Carson.)

    • VirginiaLady

      Fire one up dude. A PAC I mean.

  • Mehmeisterjr

    Ted, since you are The Chosen One, why should you have to run for President? Turn to the Bible for guidance, oh C.O. Specifically, take a gander at Samuel 5, 1-3:

    1 Then came all the tribes of Israel to David unto Hebron, and spake, saying, Behold, we are thy bone and thy flesh.

    2 Also in time past, when Saul was king over us, thou wast he that leddest out and broughtest in Israel: and the Lord said to thee, Thou shalt feed my people Israel, and thou shalt be a captain over Israel.

    3 So all the elders of Israel came to the king to Hebron; and king David made a league with them in Hebron before the Lord: and they anointed David king over Israel.

    Simple as that. No travel vouchers, no time away from family (although, there was that Bathsheba business), no endless pizza. You’re the Chosen One. Bingo, you’re the Big Enchilada. Don’t tell me that you, Ted Cruz, are one of little faith!

    • THREE OF FIVE

      HEY BRONIES (HAY!!!!! AS THAT OLD JOKE GOES FOR YOUR FELLERS) WHY DONT YOU PAY THE BILLS NO MORE NO MORE WHY DONT YOU PAY THE BILLS NO MORE!!!!!!

      PS HERE ARE SOME QUESTIONS WE CAN ANSWER FROM OUR VIEWERS:

      YES, LIZZIETISH81WHATEVER, IT IS BIG. VERY BIG. IT MIGHT BE TOO LARGE FOR YOU. BUT IT’S OKAY, THAT’S HOW LIFE HAPPENS

      NO, BLANK RON, WE DONT KNOW WHERE THE HORSE ON MAN PICS ARE. STAY AWAY FROM US BEFORE WE ZAP YOU WITH OUR MULTI-LEVER PHASER TECHNOLOGY.

      YES, RANDOM WONKETTE VIEWER. WE HAVE COME TO SERVE BRONIES AND WONKETTES SOMETHING PROPER. SERVE THEM UP ON A PLATTER. “LOL”.

      https://youtu.be/LUySkbDk0L4

  • Kgprophet

    These are ACTUAL quotes?!? I tried these excuses on my Mom and I still had to take out the trash.

  • Fly

    Ted says his family gives him motivation to fight. Since he can’t beat them, he takes it out on us.

  • Zhu Bajie

    Didn’t G0d choose Palin and Bachmann and Cain, too? Maybe this is a big joke, like the story of Ahab and the lying spirit (2 Chronicals 2:18).

  • Paul Bergquist

    This guy has a wife and kids? I look forward to Ted Cruz’s Denny Hastert-like scandal that will surely surface soon. I have my popcorn ready. (Did his wife lose a bet?)

    • msazvelmad

      I’m guessing his wife and daughters actually prefer that he be out on the campaign trail.

  • Portia Elm

    God is scraping the bottom of the barrel these days

    • Doug Langley

      God has busted through the barrel and is scraping the sewers.

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