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Oh, yeah, good old-fashioned Nightmare Fuel

Rest easy, America: If the Supreme Court murders Obamacare over what amounts to a proofreading error later this month, Republicans are ready with a replacement plan, according to Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell. No, you can’t see it. It’s a surprise. Stop trying to peek. Stop it! There is too something in the box, just don’t shake it or you’ll ruin it!

“We’ll have a plan that makes sense for the American people,” the Republican leader said during an interview with The Joe Elliott Show. “If the plaintiff is successful it will require some addressing of the issue, and if that were to happen we’ll be ready to announce our proposal.”

McConnell elected not to reveal any details of the plan, which may be the same secret plan to replace Obamacare that he and John Boehner didn’t reveal any details of back in January, or it might be the other secret plan to replace Obamacare that John Boehner didn’t reveal any details of in March. Look, we already told you once, didn’t we, that it is secret, did we not? It certainly wouldn’t involve huge tax increases for the middle class, and it would be far more comprehensive than just calling you a crybaby because you lost your precious little subsidy. Which is not to say that the plan doesn’t involve some laughing in your face and calling you a crybaby, because that is how Mitch rolls.

Besides, it’s all Obama’s fault if he doesn’t have the leadership ability to fix the mess the GOP made with this case. It’s an awesome plan, and it’ll probably also defeat ISIS at one blow, like ker-POW! No, can’t tell you how it’ll do that, either. You want the terrorists to know? All in all, as Sen. John Thune also pointed out, Barack Obama doesn’t even recognize what a terrible thing he did by letting Republicans block the simple administrative fix that would make the Supreme Court case moot:

thune ocare tweet

Good thing Republicans have a plan to clean up the president’s mess. Whatever that plan is, none of your business yet:

“We’ll let you know depending on the outcome of the decision,” McConnell said when asked if he would discuss details of the Republican plan.

He added that the Affordable Care Act is “a terrible law, but we are where we are.”

And where are we, exactly? McConnell said he’d let us know, as soon as the Supreme Court decides. But he’s not lost. Definitely not lost. We’re right here, like that line from Buckaroo Banzai: “No matter where you go, Mitch McConnell is an asshole.”

Also, he’s not touching you. He’s not touching you. Stop flinching, he’s not touching you.

[The Hill]

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  • Biel_ze_Bubba

    Thune …. wtf? People risk losing their subsidies (thanks to GOP fuckery), and Obama denies that Obamacare is bad for them?

  • Jen_Baker_VA

    I bet they have a secret handshake for their secret plans and there are NO GIRLS ALLOWED also, too. So there

    • Toomush_Infer

      Okay, does that mean that Boehner is really Alfalfa and McConnell is Spanky?…

    • bozilingus

      Are you a member of NO’MAAM?

  • Sam Hain

    Keeping Nothing a secret will be pretty easy because well…it is nothing after all and of course coming form the obstruct and do nothing party it’s a no-brainer.

  • cousin itt

    The only thing inside Mitch’s box is reptilian and very fond of lettuce.

    • cheetojeebus

      [shudder]

  • Tallmutha

    You know who else had a secret plan he declined to share with the citizenry?

    • Relativicus

      Joss Whedon?

      • PsycWench

        More like Steven Moffat, since there will be some dying.

        • Vienna Woods

          “since there will be some dying”

          Wash, Buffy’s Mom, Tara, Anya, Doyle, Spike, Shepherd Book LIBEL!!1!

    • cousin itt

      Eisenhower?

    • janecita

      The two Dicks, Nixon and Cheney?

    • proudgrampa

      Nixon, fersure.

      • Villago Delenda Est

        Yes, and Tricky Dick’s “secret plan” was secret because he didn’t have one at all. It was bullshit, by design.

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      Bill Belechick?

    • jviscont1

      Colonel Sanders?

    • Fitzgerald Chesterfield

      Hitler?

    • alwayspunkindrublic

      Lex Luthor?

    • karma-based_lifeform

      Dennis Hastert?

    • AnOuthouse

      Elvis?

    • Sheepshagger

      That fucker with the monorail?

  • Relativicus

    They’ve already told us their secret plan. That is, pass a “fix” loaded with poison pills, then point at Obama following his certain veto, yell “ObamaHitler took your monies!!!” until November, 2016, and hope there are enough dopes — there are plenty, but are there enough? — who fall for it.

  • cheetojeebus

    The American people quietly slumbering upon their twin bed in a cabin far back in the woods are awakened by their sweet widdle puppy licking their hand…….

  • Tallmutha

    Question: For what would Don Martin, Mad’s Maddest Artist, make “Thune!” the sound effect?

  • AngryBlakGuy

    …I heard their ObamaCare “fix” is to replace the subsidies with “Benghazi”!!!

  • Toomush_Infer

    I thunk and I thunk what could be in the box….at first I thought it was Schrodinger’s cat….but then I realized it had to be Donald Trumped….

  • LarryHoudini

    That is some “Class A” trolling, Senator Thune . . . though when you’re being that much of an asshole, you should probably switch to your “@SDHotMonkeyLove” account.

  • Latverian Diplomat

    McConnell denied that the plan was to drive sick people to Canada’s doorstep, ring the doorbell, and run away. “Turns out countries don’t have doorbells, and only have doorsteps in a metaphorical sense. So after hours of due consideration, we dropped that idea, though I think Gohmert still working through why at his own pace.”

    • Shalimar

      Those of us who live in Florida because it’s too fucking cold up there don’t want to be left on Canada’s doorstep. Maybe McConnell can arrange for us to be test patients at Caribbean medical schools?

      • AnOuthouse

        Michael Moore has a boat.

        • bozilingus

          Michael, row the boat ashore…

      • Latverian Diplomat

        Sure, next cruise ship to be contaminated with Listeria can be re-purposed for that.

      • bozilingus

        Maybe this involves shipping our sick to Cuba, now that the President has normalized relations with Cuba.

        • Vecciojohn

          Oh, I hate you.

          • bozilingus

            Great minds and all…

      • Vecciojohn

        Cuba has universal health insurance and you’re allowed to go there now. Problem solved.

  • proudgrampa

    The Rethuglicans always have a secret plan: http://www.csmonitor.com/1997/1209/120997.opin.column.1.html
    Stupid bastards.

    • weejee

      Mitch the Turtle is going to tricky dick America?

    • Villago Delenda Est

      No, smart bastards, because some percentage of the populace (27%) will gladly eat the shit sandwich they’re serving up.

  • weejee

    Senator John’s twatting is out of Thune.

    • cousin itt

      He should just clam up.

  • Biel_ze_Bubba

    Note the future tense: “We will have a plan … it will require some addressing of the issue…” (Not that we have one now, or ever did have one, but hey, we’ll totally think of something, if we need to.)

    Reminds me a bit of Mittens and his concession speech.

  • PsycWench

    The secret plan is much like that douchebag kid in high school who had a totally hot girlfriend, she just went to a different school.

  • Blank Ron

    Jeez, Dok, that pic’s even creepier than the original.

    • AntiDerpomeme

      Definitely a Photoshop win!

      • Me not sure

        Oddly enough I always pictured McConnell with dainty hands.

  • JohnnyZhivago2

    I thought Donald Trump invented and owned the rights to “secret plans”

    • Blank Ron

      Just the YOOOOOOOGE ones.

  • Fitzgerald Chesterfield

    Does it involve bombing campaigns in Laos and Cambodia?

    • Blank Ron

      Everything involves secret bombing campaigns in Laos and Cambodia.

      – the late Trickster

      • Sheepshagger

        And Joos. But Henry, he’s alright. He gets me next to girls like Anna Chennault and whoo mamma!

      • Anarchy Pony

        Arooo!

  • dslindc

    Maybe their plan will cure cancer and solve climate change, also too!

    • AntiDerpomeme

      What climate change? Ain’t no such thang! You must be one of them 97% activist scientists I keep hearing about.

      Or wait a sec, are you The Pope?

  • artem1s

    let me guess….hmmmm….the apocalypse? right!?! the apocalypse is coming so all the health care plans are futile? Or is that the Borg? I always get those two things mixed up.

    • Reddishrabbit

      Pretty sure it is the apocalypse, you know since trynical Nobama is the anti-Christ. And isn’t the ACA one of the four horsemen?

      • artem1s

        Don’t forget, Hillary the Whore of Babylon as well!

        • Toomush_Infer

          That has a kind of lyrical sense worthy of superhero comix…pleeease, somebody?…

    • Blank Ron

      Pretty sure the Borg have single-payer.

      • artem1s

        UnimatrixOne Healthcare United!

      • starfanglednut

        To which resistance is futile.

        • willi0000000

          lucky borg.

  • JD Mulvey

    The Republican plan was accidentally revealed four years ago: “Let them die.”

  • Lefty Frizzell

    That John Thune tweet makes no sense at all. I don’t understand how he can not be aware of that. It’s like wearing a sandwich board proclaiming “I am a cretin”.

    Also – there are precisely three rational fixes to this issue:
    1) Withdraw the case
    2) SC finds in favor of the president’s position
    3) Pass an amendment to change that one sentence to apply to shit states as well.

    Any other fixes are going to be stupid. We don’t even need to hear them.

    I’ll take a guess that every republican elected official is hoping it’s 2). Then they don’t have to produce anything but can continue whining about Obamacare and “activist” judges, whatever that means. I think it means any judge who diverges from teavangelist orthodoxy.

    • Toomush_Infer

      McConnell is already sure that it’s #2 – that’s why he can have a secret plan. The next step is to tell their followers “See, these damn activist Supremes! A Republican president can appoint more Scalias!”…

    • alwayspunkindrublic

      We need to order up a bunch of those sandwich boards. I can think of a lot of takers.

    • JD Mulvey

      No question they secretly want the law upheld, but still want to be able to publicly trashtalk it. Roberts will probably take he hit for the team and vote to uphold.

    • AnOuthouse

      “#3 sounds hard, like work”
      — John “I wish I had a” Boehner

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      “Make me a sammich board.”

  • Villago Delenda Est

    The stupid.

    It burns.

  • beatbort

    The only thing in that box Mitch is holding is a rattlesnake.

  • Me not sure

    ” We told you not to look in the box….”

    • willi0000000

      i want mcconnell to look in the trunk!

      • Toomush_Infer

        Now, now, there’s nothing in…

        • willi0000000

          It happens sometimes. People just explode. Natural causes.

          • Toomush_Infer

            OMG, there’s Votes everywhere!!!…

      • Villago Delenda Est

        Nothing but junk in the trunk.

    • Anarchy Pony

  • willi0000000

    first trikkky dikkky had a secret plan to end the Vietnam War which was pure vaporware . . . then ronnnie rayyyygun had a secret plan to bring home the hostages that he only shared with Iran . . . now this asshole has a secret plan.

    when are people going to notice that every one of the pug’s secret plans involves death, maiming, incarceration or worse for some poor innocent bastards who get caught in their machinations?

  • Toomush_Infer

    Stop touching me!…

  • VandeGraf

    Is this some perverse version of Donald Trump saying his has a fool proof plan for ISIS but won’t reveal it because he simply doesn’t want to? Only in this case it’s the McConnell/Boehner GOP axis saying you just wait and see what we have up our sleeves! Until then, why should we have options to hear what they’re thinking, because we’re merely the electorate, and they are not our representatives. We sent them their to be little kings and queens of the DC Ritz. They don’t feel it necessary to dance with the one what brought them.

    • AnOuthouse

      “ISIS melts if you pore water on it. Don’t tell anyone.”
      — Donald ‘Dumb’ Trump

  • Wow, John Thune really is stupid.

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      You know that “R” they put after his name? . . .

  • AnOuthouse

    6 million people who didn’t have insurance risk losing it without Obamacare. Thanks Obama. Does the GOP administer a test to screen out anyone with a mental age greater than 12 years old?

    • Toomush_Infer

      Yes, it’s called their likely voters…

  • Shalimar

    Is this anything like Trump’s secret plan to defeat ISIS? Because I really don’t think “nuke all the moocher poor people so we don’t need healthcare anymore” is a good plan.

    • Villago Delenda Est

      Well, such a plan would work only if you could get all the moocher poor to assemble in one place to be nuked.

      This plan, ironically, would work with the teatards. Just send them invites to a free Ted Nugent concert and nuke the arena.

      • artem1s
  • alwayspunkindrublic

    The secret plan….I can tell you, but then I’ll have to subject you to a Death Panel.

  • Lizzietish81

    Schrodinger’s Health Plan

    • alwayspunkindrublic

      An improvement on the Heisenberg Health Plan. Or maybe not.

      • Sheepshagger

        Be the one who croaks.

      • Anarchy Pony

        Well done.

      • bozilingus

        Does it involve making meth?

        • alwayspunkindrublic

          Oh, that Heisenberg. Took me a minute.

      • JustPixelz

        In my fantasy world, Congress (especially those pesky Republicans) gets health insurance in the same proportion as the American people. Lotteries at random times choose who gets coverage*. Losers get to go home to their families and say “I’ve got bad news …”.
        _______________________________________
        * Those without health insurance get to have liberty instead.

      • Doug Langley

        Once McConnell gets his hands on it, it’ll be the Hindenburg Health Plan.

    • Swampgas_Man

      It’s your own fault for looking in the box.

    • pstockholm

      can’t swing a dead cat there without hitting a Republican asshole. of course if it lives, maybe you can hit one, with votes (do we really need votes if we’re talking cats?)

      • Vecciojohn

        Meow!

  • Lance Thrustwell

    I can only think of *one* charitable interpretation of Thune’s tweet: what he’s saying might be that Obamacare was destined to eventually fail due to conservative opposition, even without including his own, and so all the poor suckers who signed on for it are going to have the rug pulled out from under them, and Obama should have seen it coming.

    Is that too charitable? (ducks)

    • Toomush_Infer

      Yep.

  • Blank Ron

    Hey, what if we get someone to sneak into his office and put a slip of paper into the box that reads ‘single payer’?

    • Me not sure

      Can that be pared down to words of one syllable?

    • alwayspunkindrublic

      How ’bout someone sneak into his office and tape a slip of paper to his back that says, “I’m a football. Kick me in the head”.

  • Lizzietish81

    I’m thinking this plan involves coupons.

    • Me not sure

      …and a “customer loyalty card”.

    • Serolf Divad

      Groupons for coronary bypass surgery. Buy used prosthetics on eBay. The power of prayer.

      There’s your three part plan.

      • Lizzietish81

        One of those savings card you get from grocery stores

        • Serolf Divad

          Congratulations, you’re earned 350 bonus points so far this year. 200 more and you’ll qualify for 10% off on your next yearly checkup! Thanks for shopping at BiLo.

          • Lizzietish81

            Eventually you get a ham

          • beatbort

            which you can’t eat because of the blood pressure…

        • Anarchy Pony

          Your tenth doctor’s appointment is free, provided you aren’t ill.

    • Antonin Dvorak

      Buy two valve replacements, get a third valve replacement of equal or lesser value for free.

    • Ryan Denniston

      GoFundMes for all the medical conditions.

  • Serolf Divad

    Yeah, the Republican plan is to get Republican appointed judges to gut the Affordable Care Act, then blame the president for people losing their subsidies. Cynicism is the GOP playbook in ts entirety… from start to finish.

    • Tansy Geek

      I think you might be giving the GOP too much credit. Does stamping your feet and screaming “NO!” continuously count as a playbook? Well all right, a very short one maybe.

  • Lizzietish81

    It would be funny if the ACA is turned down, the Republicans trip over themselves and Obama gets up and says “All right you win. SINGLE PAYER FOR EVERYONE!”

    YOU GET HEALTH INSURANCE! YOU GET HEALTH INSURANCE!

    https://media4.giphy.com/media/y8Mz1yj13s3kI/200.gif

    • It’s a nice dream, but you’ll need a President Bernie Sanders to push something like that.

      It will never come from the Republican wing of the Democratic party.
      ~

    • JustPixelz

      I’ll laugh my head off, but Republicans have an irony deficiency.

  • MrBlobfish

    Now that is what ya call Chootspah.

  • Ryan Denniston

    He doesn’t want to say “If you like your plan, you can’t keep it” unless forced to. What a dick.

  • jviscont1

    I would wager most of my Trump inheritance on the GOP plan kicking it down the road to 2017 so their 2016 candidates appear not even more dickish. Then they can blame Hillary for lying about keeping your doctor and plans.

  • BoatOfVelociraptors

    He’s not bringing his “A game”, or even his “B game” to the table. If you slide down 19 more ranks in the alphabet, Mitch would be serving his Tea game.

  • Ryan Denniston

    I really like Thune’s comment. Here, Obama had to get everyone’s hopes up, instead of kicking the poors and calling them lazy like he should have done. At least that’s how I read it.

  • Jason M
  • wingr47

    On being polled, many R’s think the ACA and O’care are two different things and They like the ACA.

    • Manhattan123

      Well, that’s not really their fault. They are fucking morons after all.

  • Rick Hill

    What you are seeing is exactly what the gop ran on, running the nation like a corporation. Upper mangement, detached and without a clue. No long term plans just immediate, short term goals to maximize, well no nation profit, so just maximize power and profit for personal and backer’s gains.

  • MrBlobfish

    It’s buried under a big W

    • bozilingus

      You must be Mad…

      • Doug Langley

        Mad, mad, mad, mad.

  • Brewerofbeers

    Republican plan: Everyone gets a GoFundMe page for health insurance!

  • Rick Hill

    The plan is still in the works. Seriously. They can’t enact it until they find a way to completely blame the President for people losing their subsidies.

  • Doug White

    Oh MY GOD….. in the past week, Wonkette has quoted Canadian genius supergroup Klaatu (well, supergroup in my mind anyway…) and now “Buckaroo Banzai Across the Eighth Dimension” too!!!!

    I LOVE YOU MAN!

    Next up, maybe something from Lisztomania (Perhaps Ringo Starr’s quote about rape at gunpoint!), or some dialogue from “The Ninth Configuration” from the dogs-performing-Shakespeare scene!!!!!

    • Vienna Woods

      Whaaaa? I missed a Klaatu reference? Dammit!

  • Vecciojohn

    Show us on the doll where Mitch McConnell took away your health insurance.

  • Steverino247

    You know who ELSE denied six million people of healthcare?

    • Last Hussar

      Countries that have nationwide healthcare paid for by the government, so you don’t need insurance?

    • Ironically it WASN’T Hitler.

  • Bill Slider

    All of these GOP plans are like the secrets in the Bible. They are mocking their Bible. How did Jesus part the river and walk right through. It’s a secret. How did Jesus feed all of those thousands with a bucket of fish and a few loaves of bread? It’s a secret. It’s a miracle. The GOP leaders perform miracles. I believe in miracles, except when I don’t, which is always.

  • JParkerSD46

    Trump will defeat ISIS quickly, easily and completely. McConnell will provide a great health care plan. Neither will reveal their plans that would save lives and make the world a better place because F U Obama. And because both are liars and idiots who haven’t got a clue.

  • BearGHAZI

    They have nothing. They always have nothing

  • Bob@Bob.com

    Republicans have been threating to come up with an idea for what, 6 years?

    • Oh, they were threatening it back when Clinton was president. That’s where the ACA came from in the first place, after all.

  • McConnell and the rest of the GOP Senators will get to the ACA fix right after they’ve finished confirming Obama’s circuit court nominees.

  • Politics_Nerd

    Their “fix” is to let it die a painful, horrible death, and then point at it and say “see!!?? we told you this was going to be a disaster!”

  • Candy Apple

    Dok Zoom, your Photoshop skills are getting really impressive!

  • Callyson

    Whatever that plan is, none of your business yet

    That’s OK, we already know exactly what their fucking plan is:

  • Dee Andee

    John Thune. Reason #2,015 why I am moving out of South Dakota this fall.

  • PigDootsMolloy

    Who Is Mitch touching? Just askin’..

  • Zhu Bajie

    Probably it involves faith healers, somehow.

  • Bitter Scribe

    “Six million Jews died in death camps, yet @POTUS continues to deny that World War II was bad for the Jewish people.”

    –If John Thune and Twitter had existed in 1946

  • BRONY KILLA

    SEEMS LIKE SOME BRONIES DON;T KNOW THE SCORE, WE HAVE TO UPDATE THEM ON SOME INFORMATION. HERE IS SOME MUSIC TO ENJOY IT!!!!!

    https://youtu.be/Rc0PJ4_bGNI

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