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Donald Trump has a YOOOOOOGE secret plan to kill ISIS dead, but he ain’t about to tell you losers about it. And why not? Well, because then it won’t be a secret anymore! Last week, Trump (TRUMP!) explained to an incredulous Greta van Susteren why he won’t reveal his plan: “Because I don’t WANT to, Greta.” She responded that we “need all the help we can get!” so Trump explained further:

“IF I run, and IF I win, I don’t want the enemy to know what I’m doing. Unfortunately, I’ll probably have to tell at some point, but there is a method of defeating them quickly and effectively and having total victory.”

Oh, so this will all be a SURPRISE, on the off chance in hell that Donald Trump is inaugurated US American President in January of 2017. We guess the ISIS bad guys are just gonna sit tight and stop doing beheadings and stuff, waiting for Donald Trump to surprise the fuck out of ’em, two years from now.

Because it’s not like that pussy Obama is even interested in defeating ISIS, and you know how Donald Trump knows that? Because Barack Obama has not called Donald Trump on the Obamaphone to say, “Donald Trump! I am totally lost here! I don’t even know how to pronounce ‘ISIS’! You on the other hand have built tacky gold-encrusted buildings in Las Vegas and your current wife makes all the men jealous, please explain presidenting to me, Donald Trump (A Registered Trademark of the Trump Organization)! Trump!” For real, Trump explained to radio host Simon Conway that he is just shocked that Obama hasn’t called him, due to how Trump’s plan is “beautiful”:

“I know a way that would absolutely give us guaranteed victory,” Trump told Conway, adding that he doesn’t want to say his “foolproof” idea because, “number one,” people will forget it was his idea and “number two,” it would tip off the enemy.

Donald Trump is simply fucking unwilling to win the ISIS war unless he gets to name it the Trump ISIS Massacre Hotel And Casino (Coming in 2017!). Go on, tell us more about this brilliant idea, which you will not tell us about:

“So simple. It’s like the paper clip,” he said. “You know, somebody came up with the idea of the paper clip and made a lot of money and everybody’s saying, ‘Boy, why didn’t I think of that, it’s so simple.’ This is so simple, so surgical, it would be an unbelievable thing. Now, I’ve been around saying this, you would think somebody from the administration would at least call me and say, ‘Hey, could you tell us what it is?’ It happens to be a great idea. But at the right time, I guess I’ll give it.”

Donald Trump knows paper clips. He uses them, to hold together papers, all of which say “Trump!” And the papers don’t come apart, partly because paper clips are so easy and surgical, and partly because Donald is so Trump. Donald Trump probably invented paper clips, just like when he invented the word “America.” Donald Trump’s secret ISIS idea is simple like paper clips. So beautiful. So surgical. Trump!

Trump added that, even if the Obama administration DID ask, he probably wouldn’t tell them anyway. Why? Because they’re all “a bunch of clowns.” And also?

BECAUSE HE DOESN’T WANT TO, GRETA.

[Mediaite / Right Wing Watch]

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  • stankbait

    Better hurry up there pitch man. That clown car is getting full if you want to catch a ride.

  • SnarkOff

    He is telling us his plans via coded message. Obviously, he’s going to attack ISIS with a Trump-branded missile filled with staples, binder clips and brads. Ouch. Those little metal fasteners can really sting.

  • memzilla

    Donald Trump has a YOOOOOOGE secret plan to kill ISIS dead…

    Getting them to buy toxic Trump Casino bonds? Enrolling them in brain-deadening Trump University? Clockwork Orange-ing their eyeballs open for a Celebrity Apprentice marathon?

  • exinkwretch

    Don’t fuck with a man that has a rabid badger on his head!

    • BadKitty904

      Trump-badger don’t care!

  • elviouslyqueer

    adding that he doesn’t want to say his “foolproof” idea

    There. Fixed that for you, Hairpie.

    Also too, I’ve been off for a week, and bunny has missed his facetime in the comments. So:

    • Vecciojohn

      The bunny is back!

  • elviouslyqueer

    I’m guessing that BECAUSE I DON’T WANT TO, GRETA is the new FIVE AND A HALF YEARS, ALAN, right?

    • SnarkOff

      ALL OF THEM, KATIE

    • memzilla

      Bless his heart, he’s a hissy waiting to fit.

  • JohnnyZhivago2

    Trump Gaza Plaza

    • Thatsit Fortheotherwon

      Benghazi Plazzi.

  • A Big Sarcastic Fairy!

    It gets Sarah excited :-)

    • Toomush_Infer

      Don’t. Do. That…..

    • BadKitty904

      Jebus H. Is that from Griftzilla’s screen-test for Silent Hill?

    • JustPixelz

      I hope that’s an animated GIF. Otherwise I should not have quit morning drinking.

  • deanbooth

    Go to your room!

  • janecita

    His idea is building a casino in the middle of the desert, sending Grand Opening invitations to every member of ISIL. They will all come, because TRUMP, so once he has them all together in the same place, he will…….

    • Vecciojohn

      Fire them.

      • But first make them do a series of nonsensical “business” tasks designed to maximize interpersonal conflict and drama.

    • GunToting[Redacted]

      Declare bankruptcy, cratering the local economy.

    • alwayspunkindrublic

      Offer hairstyling and fashion tips.

  • MrBlobfish

    As the anniversary of Allied invasion of Normandy approaches, I’m thankful Donald Trump will never be Commander in Chief.

    • Vecciojohn

      If only Donnie had been in charge instead of that fuck-up Eisenhower, the war would have been over in hours.

      • Mehmeisterjr

        WWII was like a paper clip.

        • Doug Langley

          Actually, there was an Operation Paperclip where Nazi war criminals were snuck into the US to work for the government. Ain’t history fun?

          • Blank Ron

            Is that Donny’s plan? Doesn’t the US have enough home-grown war criminals already?

  • RevZafod

    Anybody remember who else had a secret plan to get us out of Vietnam? It’s a tricky question.

    • Ho Chi Minh?

      • Jane Fonda?

        • onedollarjuana

          hmmm. something something resignation something helicopter something disgrace ….

      • w9anthimos

        Vo Nguyen Giap also, too.

        • RevZafod

          What the fuck are you talking about?! The Giap is not the issue here dude! I’m talking about drawing a line in the sand, Dude. Across this line you do not,– also, Dude, Giap is not the preferred nomenclature, uh, Giapanese, Please.

          Oh, sorry; wrong war. Fuck it, Dude; let’s go bowling.

          • w9anthimos

            Giap was no Dien Bien Phul for what Tets worth!

          • RevZafod

            Tet 68 was worth a lot of time diving for the nearest bunker to me.

          • w9anthimos

            I arrived just as things were winding down in March of ’68. Most of my tour was spent at Tan Son Nhut as I was USAF.

          • RevZafod

            Not to make Wonkette into a personal message board, but old farts deserve some slack, and be allowed to wear onions on our belts.

            My dad was in Saigon May 57-May 58, 500 US in-country, Deputy Chief of TERM [Temp. Equip. Recov. Mission], getting back stuff loaned to the French before Dien Bien Phu. You see how well that worked.

            I was Field Arty Captain, May 67-May68, 25th Inf Div based at Cu Chi, and at Dau Tieng when Tet started. My first gig was a Liaison Officer from 1/8th Arty to Hau Nghia Province HQ to coordinate fires, at an advisor station in the VC-infested swamps.

            Later I went to Div HQ G-3 Operations on the night shift as the junior officer there. I wrote the daily SITREP and ran the DTOC for about 2 hours every night while the Majors and above wined and dined with the Donut Dollies and nurses at the General’s Mess. “Don’t call us unless it’s something big.” I did a very few times:

            Battle of Suoi Cut in War Zone C.
            Start of the Tet Offensive.
            Both of those were when Div HQ was on the SE perimeter of the 3rd Brigade base camp at Dau Tieng, at the Michelin Plantation. Soon after Tet, we flew back to Cu Chi.

            Just be glad you weren’t at Tan Son Nhut during Tet, when a mech unit from the 25th saved the airfield from invading VC/NVA units that night!

            One unsolved question. Why do later mentions call it “Tan Son Nhat”?

            I didn’t watch my buddies die face-down in the muck just so this strumpet… well, you get the idea. My avatar is from my first of 3 Best Walter wins at LebowskiFests, LA 2005. I understand Walter from the inside out.

            Next Fest in Louisville 10-11 July. I’ll be there, man. Can’t miss me. I gave 40% of Will Russell’s dream on Kickstarter.

            Also music by Smokey, aka Jimmie Dale Gilmore, and I live in a suburb of Dallas.
            https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yTaQXW5kktc

            Be there or be square.

    • ManchuCandidate

      It certainly wasn’t Henry Kissenger.

    • deanbooth

      Some other dick?

    • BadKitty904

      John Birch?

    • Cowpocalypse_Now

      JFK….with the help of Robert McNamara. Probably would have happened if he wasn’t assassinated

      • memzilla

        After McNamara died, Brylcreme’s stock never recovered.

    • Amy!

      Somebody who was not a crook?

      He had a checkered past.

    • goonemeritus

      Me but that stuck-up Nixon guy would never take my call.

  • OneYieldRegular

    “Yo, Donald, this is Barack. Would love to hear your ideas, but you know, I’m super busy ruining the free world. However, I’ve made arrangements for the Richmond, California City Council to hear you out.”

    • Good_Gawd_Yall

      Oh, THIS!

  • I tend to think the President has access to lots of smart people who know a lot about the history and politics of the region and who spend lots of time thinking about just what the best course of action would be and who recognize that any course of action will have ramifications. But it’s possible that business failure and boorish celebrity Donald Trump knows more than they do.

    • memzilla

      It’s also possible that monkeys will fly out of my ass whistling Hail Columbia. But unlike Trump, at least the monkeys would retain their dignity.

    • Ryan Denniston

      Just ask him!

  • JohnnyZhivago2

    The sad fact is that Trump is probably the smartest and most savvy person in the GOP lineup. I think he knows exactly what he is doing – and it’s enhancing his brand. Getting elected would diminish his brand, like it has diminished EVERY one who has ever been President in the last 40 years.

    • I dunno – I just saw where Dr. Ben Carson is raking in the millions. So stay tuned for my big announcement about 2016 later today.

    • Cowpocalypse_Now

      Ewww….smart and savvy? How about tacky and cheesy. A walking talking example of the fact you cannot buy class ….or a decent comb over.

      • JohnnyZhivago2

        I mean smart in a sleazy way!!!!

      • Mehmeisterjr

        To be fair, being the smartest and most savvy person in the GOP lineup is like being the smartest and most savvy amoeba in the Petri dish, a modest distinction at best.

    • bikerlaureate

      Dunno. His ego is in the way, pushing vaporware, and people with a brain see how petty he’s become…

      • Cowpocalypse_Now

        “…people with a brain”

        Trouble is that they are only a minority of voters. Proof…2014 election

      • Left Coast Tom

        “People with a brain” are not The Donald’s core market.

    • onedollarjuana

      Actually, being ex-President seems to have polished up Carter’s rep, from peanut farmer to world-respected statesman.

      • Blank Ron

        That might be because he doesn’t play up the ‘ex-President’ thing.

  • ManchuCandidate

    http://masterherald.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/10/The-Expendables-4.jpg
    Donald, I think Bill O’Really and Sly Stallone already beat you to your awesome idea.

  • Skwerl King

    Yes Don, defeat them in a pitched battle at Dabiq. We know that plan and it is counterproductive.

  • tihond

    Is it to form a business with ISIS, run it into the ground, and then declare bankruptcy?

    • And saying that you just licensed them your name, and you didn’t actually run them into bankruptcy. Because TRUMP!

    • BadKitty904

      Honestly. Has this megalomaniacal feeb ever actually succeeded at ANYthing?

      • eggsacklywright

        He managed to piss off a bunch of Scottish persons. But I guess that’s pretty easy to do.

        • Thatsit Fortheotherwon

          Ye right git, ye!

          • eggsacklywright

            My grandparents were from Skye and Mull, so I’m familiar with cranky Scots.

          • Thatsit Fortheotherwon

            No wonder they make such fierce whiskey…

    • elpinche

      We’re done here. you win.

    • Mehmeisterjr

      Don’t forget that he would stuck ISIS with the debt. That wouldn’t cause them to seek revenge or anything.

    • Boscoe

      LOL I totes didn’t scroll down before making my comment above. Oh well, it’s still funny…

  • dslindc

    BREAKING: With 0% of the vote in, I can confirm that Donald Trump will not ever be President and this is just his usual BS publicity ploy. The media is indulging him, as per usual, which is shameful. STOP THAT RIGHT NOW.

    • Why is Greta van What’s-her-name even talking to him?

      • BadKitty904

        What else has she got to do?

        • Clean her grout? Shred her old gas bills? Label her photographs? Sort her binder clips according to size? I can think of a million things more worth doing.

      • Mehmeisterjr

        She drew the short straw.

      • Boscoe

        Palin had a scheduling conflict?

      • BadKitty904

        Penance for sins committed in a previous life?

  • BadKitty904

    Because destroying a business empire inherited from Daddy certainly gives one *major* military strategy experience…

    • Boscoe

      OMG THAT’S IT! That’s the secret plan! He’ll hire all the ISIL’s and then mismanage them into bankruptcy! GENIUS!

      • Thatsit Fortheotherwon

        Fake GoJihadMe accounts!

      • Amy!

        Carly can help!

        • jmk

          His natural VP pick? Sure!

    • goonemeritus

      You forget that he went to a military high school (New York
      Military Academy). So he probably knows
      how to bugger underclassmen.

      • BadKitty904

        Isn’t military school where they send boys who have…”issues”?

        • goonemeritus

          About 50% have issues, 25% are immigrant kids that think it’s
          just a private school. The remainder are legacy kids whose father figured being
          put in a real life Lord of the Flies environment didn’t do them any harm.

          • BadKitty904

            That would actually explain quite a bit about The Duhnald…

  • Mehmeisterjr

    “So simple. It’s like the paper clip,” he said. “You know, somebody came up with the idea of the paper clip and made a lot of money and everybody’s saying, ‘Boy, why didn’t I think of that, it’s so simple.’ This is so simple, so surgical, it would be an unbelievable thing.”

    Until about ten minutes ago, I knew about as much about the humble paper clip as the next guy but then I devoted long and arduous research to the subject (I read a Wikipedia article at http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Paper_clip#History) and it turns out that he doesn’t know shit about paper clips.

    I wonder if there are any more lacunae in his hyooge brain.

    • JustPixelz

      I saw that too. If Trump’s plan is as simple as a paper clip, ISIS has nothing to worry about from him.

    • Latverian Diplomat

      Step 1: Collect underpants.
      Step 2: ?????
      Step 3: ISIS destroyed!

  • Lefty Frizzell

    I agree with most of what Rev Al says, but he takes such a ploddingly long time to get there I could fall asleep at the wheel, so I sometimes switch over to Fox on the drive home.

    Last night even Krauthammer was backing away from this cretin (to Bret’s dismay, it sounded like). Apparently a Republican poll on who you would never, ever vote for gives him a “well deserved” 59%.

    Suffice to say that the only person picking up what Trump is laying down is Trump, and possibly Bret Baier.

    • Blank Ron

      Me, I’d be more concerned about that other 41%.

  • freakishlystrong

    The Donald calling anyone a “bunch of clowns” is ironical and funny, but not funny ha-ha.

    • Thatsit Fortheotherwon

      Funny peculiar.

  • Virginia Dreaming

    So basically Trump was that kid in school who told us all about his model girlfriend who lived in Canada and would come down to visit when nobody else was around. You know, the girlfriend he dumped for somebody hotter before anyone met her.

    • Thatsit Fortheotherwon

      Or he’s Nixon, with a secret plan to end the war. Bomb the shit out of them, then leave.

  • jviscont1

    why do I suspect his plan involves building a wall. nobody builds stuff betterer than Donald after all.

  • Ruhe

    I don’t think Greta tried hard enough. He’s dying to tell us.

  • Lizzietish81

    The caterpillar on his head thinks that if it has its host say “ISIS” enough, it can finally gain control of America.

    • JustPixelz

      NounVerbISIS?

    • JustPixelz

      You’re right. Just look at @TheRealCaterpillerOnDonaldTrumpsHead Twitter feed.

  • Toomush_Infer

    I have inside information on this: Trump’s plan is – Make Them Stop! (TM)….

  • BadKitty904

    TRUMP WARNS ISIS “THERE WILL BE HELL TOUPEE” – Film at 11…

    • elviouslyqueer

      *seething with jealousy that I didn’t come up with that first*

      • BadKitty904

        *purrs*

        • memzilla

          He needs to cut back on the number of stupid actions he does — IOW, a folly cull.

          • jmk

            Bazinga!!

        • jviscont1

          you do understand he will sue you? well done.

          • BadKitty904

            He can claim all the used kitty-litter in damages he wants.

          • jviscont1

            he will probably be asking for hairballs to maintain his headgear.

        • Doug Langley

          Hair you go again.

    • eggsacklywright

      There’ll be no sweeping that under the rug.

    • Ricky Gay

      and then, he will pen his own “WAR and PIECE”

    • Shibusa

      The Donald is going to wig out!

  • Lizzietish81

    Give ISIS its own reality show?

    • Michael Smith

      Complete with a confession room:

      “Akbar just doesn’t understand how much I hate the infidel. I mean, its like, I try to tell him and he just doesn’t get it.”

      “I think Sayed needs to cool his damn jets about the infidel and just have a good time with this experience.”

    • georgiaburning

      TLC is already on it.

  • goonemeritus

    Anyone that can make a casino disappear no something about killing hard to kill
    enterprises

    • Angry_Cop

      No shit. It’s like owning a money factory and losing it because you fell behind on your payments.

      • JustPixelz

        Supposedly true story. Idi Amin hired a company in Uganda to print the currency. After they delivered the money, they asked to get paid. Amin said “just print some more for yourself”.

  • middleclassman1

    He uses paper clips to keep all his bankruptcy papers together. And he believe it would be a good idea for us to let him be CEO of America.

    • MrBlobfish

      Paper clips also secure that donkey’s tail to his head.

      • Ryan Denniston

        Huh. I see a dead albino raccoon when I look at his hair.

        • MrBlobfish

          Well, so kind of animal, that’s for sure.

        • Suse

          I see Bill the Cat.

  • Michael Smith

    I like lots of things about Teddy Roosevelt, so I don’t want to slander him by comparing him to today’s Republicans, but stories like this make me think of that alleged quote by a British ambassador about Roosevelt: “You must always remember that the president is about six.”

  • Thatsit Fortheotherwon

    “So simple. It’s like the paper clip…”

    http://nuclearweaponarchive.org/Usa/Weapons/B61.html

    Maybe a bit more complicated.

  • elpinche

    Someone please tell Trump that the nude bomb is fiction.

  • middleclassman1

    His big plan is to have some crappy TV show where he invites ISIS to do stupid tasks and then he fires them.

  • Mehmeisterjr

    I have a secret plan for mocking The Donald. It is so simple that I have to keep it secret so that people don’t die laughing [reference Monty Python fatal joke here.] OK, OK, I’ll tell you. Create a poster showing a paper clip wearing Trump’s hair. I’m brilliant. Behold me in my glory!

  • Ricardo S.

    Then President Trump will save manking from the lizard people… beautifully and surgically.

  • elpinche

    http://i44.tinypic.com/208bnup.jpg

    Simple: check
    Surgical: check
    Paperclip: check
    But where will we get the army of mogwai’s?

  • Me not sure

    I remember when Nixon ran for his first term he said that he had a secret plan to end the Viet Nam War. When it never happened during his first term he said that the plan was always a long term prospect and that we should remain patient and re-elect him to finish the still secret job. Nixon was a paranoid criminal, Trump is just copycat fool.

    • Ryan Denniston

      Oh, for the good ole days when people were truly evil. Before the advent of the Big Grift Machine on the Right.

      • Me not sure

        I never said Trump wasn’t evil. Even fools can do evil things. (see George Bush)

  • chicken thief

    He’s going to build golf courses and hire all the ISIS dudes as caddies?

  • Tony Alexander

    is that a pomeranian glued to the top of his noggin?

    • 24601

      As a Pomeranian mix I find that offensive!

  • JohnR

    Again, the fact some people admire him and would vote for him tells me the human race has run it’s course.

  • Ryan Denniston

    Sorry Donald, but running ISIS into bankruptcy isn’t a viable plan.

    • Relativicus

      But it is a likely outcome, if his secret plan is to become the CEO of ISIS.

  • JohnBull

    Shut the fuck up, Donny.

    • eggsacklywright

      He’s out of his element.

      • cbts

        And his helmet.

        Hair helmet.

  • MC

    Trump’s plan is as secret as what his investigators found out about Obama in Hawaii.

    As secret and as imaginary.

  • Suse

    He’s not going to run. Remember last time he pulled this crap and backed down on announcement day? His closet is overflowing with skeletons.

    • Relativicus

      I doubt it’s his skeletons he’s worried about. It’s his finances. He’d have 30 days after announcing to file his financial disclosure forms, which may — may! — show his investors he’s not quite as well off as he tells them he is.

      • bobbert

        Billion Multi- Milli Wealt oh fuckit.

  • chicken thief

    How does Greta even get to have a show on Fox – she isn’t bimbo in a Barbie way cute or submit to the leg cam? She doesn’t even promise to be water boarded or move like Hannity. WTF?

    • 24601

      This is a question for the ages. It has always perplexed me. She must have something on Ailles.

  • Dalan Libutad

    Not unless you release this endangered Caterpillar Donald, no one is going to listen to you.

    • I miss Letterman’s “Trump or Monkey” game.

      It was often more difficult than champions week on Jeopardy.

  • JohnnyZhivago2

    Camels with lasers on their heads!!!!!! Genius!!!

    • tinywriting

      Pix or GTFO!

    • bobbert

      Ill-tempered camels!

  • YayConspiracy

    her’s gonna fire them all.

  • MrBlobfish

    I wuz yellin’ at Donnie on da street da udder day I sez I sez “Hey Donnie! Da guyz on my block can kick all dem ISIS ass! You hook us up wit a nice Escalade when we get ova dare and we take care of da rest. Ya know wut I’m sayin’? Staten Island represent, yo!”

  • Jen_Baker_VA

    Anyone else thinking this super secret simple plan of his includes the word nuclear and bomb?

    • SnarkOff

      I suspect it’s “nukular.”

      • Jen_Baker_VA

        Thought that was the other guy. Trumpese would be Noooclar wouldn’t it? Or is that past present partical :/
        Trump grammar always stumps me

        • Rebranded as TRUMP BOMB and spray painted gold.

          • beatbort

            And the people bombed don’t actually die, they just are forced to wear gerbil-hair pieces on their heads forever.

  • I posted this in an earlier thread but:

    Did anyone else notice Rick Perry made a joke about praying for rain during his presidential run announcement yesterday?

    • chazmanr

      They held a public prayer for rain years ago when he was Gov. Guess God uses snail mail, huh?

      • Shibusa

        One wonders if Rick will also get the credit for the two dozen people who drowned in the flooding.

  • Doug Langley

    Let me guess. He’ll discover the secret birth certificates of top ISIS leaders and the organization will fall apart. Do I win?

  • MrBlobfish

    Maybe Trump and Jindal can get together and compare secret plans.

  • docterry6973

    Three people knew the answer to peace in the Middle East. One committed suicide, one went mad thinking about it, and the third is Trump, who has forgotten the answer.

  • proudgrampa

    Jesus Christ, it’s so easy for him, isn’t it? He took the Nixon playbook: “I have a secret plan!”

  • tinywriting

    I would comment BUT I DON’T WANT TO!!

    • jmk

      Good thing comments are not allowed.

  • Duke

    My secret plan is to let the Saudi’s, Iranians and Israeli’s fight it out.

    Damn! Did it again!

  • MC

    The White House should definitely call him, before the next WH Correspondents Dinner. Trump’s “plan” should provide quite a few laughs.

  • JParkerSD46

    So Trump is truly a man who hates the US, hates our troops and couldn’t care less if more Americans and other human beings die. That’s the way I read this. Trump has such a massive, and delusional, ego that he’d rather see more terror, more death and more suffering because he wants all the credit. Dick.

    • Whale Chowder

      Yeah, I noticed that too. “I could fix all that ISIS stuff right now but I’d rather wait until I’m elected presnint or the current presnint grovels before me. Who cares about all the death and destruction in the meantime?”

  • VandeGraf

    If, after cogitating and ruminating, Trump has come up with a way to quickly defeat ISIS (presto!) then he will have no problem getting himself nominated as the GOP candidate for the presidential election. [Putting aside, for the moment, the teensy issue of absolutely everyone — probably because jealous– despising him.] Can the country really afford Trump? He’s gone conveniently bankrupt so often that he might prove to be a financial liability that the country can ill afford.

  • Come here a minute

    Trump campaign slogan: “Presidenting — it ain’t paper clip surgery.”

  • Ergoetal

    Every four years Donald puts his thinking cap on. Oh my gosh.

    • 24601

      And finds that its still the wrong size and messes up his ‘hair’.

  • Kgprophet

    I TOO have a secret plan. And I will let everyone know what it is for 1 MILLION dollars. (places pinky on cheek).

  • BearGHAZI

    So… he’ll fake fire ISIS on the television?

  • Paperless Tiger

    I think he gave it away with that “paperclip” comment. Sounds like another Operation Paperclip. Trump would hire all the ISIS scientists, technicians, and engineers and bring them to America, so the war would grind to a halt. Then later he would yell, “You’re fired!” at them. Brilliant!

  • How am I even supposed to react to successful adults who engage in rhetorical tactics that I knew were stupid when I was nine years old?

  • alwayspunkindrublic

    He plans to share his secret plan with the World Net Daily Volunteer Overseas Tactical Strike Force. I can feel ISIS quaking from here…

  • zak44

    A $400 million head start and he declares bankruptcy twice. He can’t even make money running a casino. And oh yeah, he’s made lecherous statements about his own daughter.

    Why oh why is anyone paying attention to this clown?

    • MC

      Actually, Trump has declared bankruptcy FOUR times: in 1991, 1992, 2004 and 2009. Imagine what this business genius could do as President of the United States!

      • Bad Granny

        That’s actually his plan. He’s going to join ISIL, volunteer to be treasurer, and bankrupt them. It’s so crazy it just might work! (when I say “it just might work” I mean “dear lord what an asshat”)

  • Charles Cates

    It’s no good hoping he won’t live much longer. He’ll probably be the first functioning head hooked up to machines, as in Futurama.

  • MegPasadena

    This reminds me of the good old day when Sarah Palin complained to Fox that President Obama never called her for advice on energy policies or how to plug the oil leak at the Gulf.

  • Lazy Media

    I knew, I KNEW he would be wrong about the paper clip. The Gem clip was never patented, so a whole lot of people made money on that idea. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Paper_clip#History

  • Bad Granny

    Defeat terror with this one weird trick!

  • Owlseyelash

    Remember he said he knows how to fix the economy during the 2008 crash but he would not tell us until he was the president. Now, he knows how to defeat ISIS but he is not telling us until people make him the president.
    Oh, yes, he said he knows how to bring ISIS to the table!! Cannot stop shaking my head.

  • Playonwords

    I never trust anyone who can bankrupt a casino he owns.

  • zak44

    From Charlie Pierce’s “Politics Blog” over at Esquire.com:

    Pelt-headed power flirt Donald Trump dropped by the Cafe today. We kept an eye on him. Silverware keeps disappearing when he’s around. It looks as though he might actually run for president this time. We’re going to have to re-stock more often.
    “IF I run, and IF I win, I don’t want the enemy to know what I’m doing. Unfortunately, I’ll probably have to tell at some point, but there is a method of defeating them quickly and effectively and having total victory.”
    Maybe he’s going to take over ISIS. It’d be bankrupt within a month.

    He also called him “Donald of Arabia.”

    Mr. Pierce is a national treasure.

  • Chris Winfield

    I’m waiting for the day D-Trumpy groks that blowing it out his ass is not a secret plan.

  • Zippy

    FWIW, Trump Tower in Vegas is actually a pretty nice hotel…

  • Narcissa Trump sounds like he’s running for Student body President. …only even High school kids would know better than to credit that.

  • Blank Ron

    The Donald muttered:

    IF I run, and IF I win, I don’t want the enemy to know what I’m doing.

    That will make two of you.
    Seriously, it’s no challenge at all to mock this twit.

  • Santana999

    I think after years of wearing a dead squirrel as a hairpiece the rot from the carcass has finally reached his brain…which as we all know is in his ass.

  • glennisw

    Too bad, future beheaded people! If only Obama had listened to the Donald, you wouldn’t have to die.

  • UnsaltedSinner

    I have a feeling that Trump’s paperclip idea involves nuclear warheads.

    • Everhope

      Yup, ICBMs are going to pop up from the Chia Pet on The Donald’s head and fire off for the middle east.

  • fratdawgg23

    Trump going to file a lawsuit to take all the ISIS monies??

  • Ranina

    Did he ever reveal the HUGE secret his investigators uncovered in Hawaii regarding BHO’s birth?

  • Goposaur

    Fred Trump was a decent enough fellow considering what his business was. Had he known then what an asshole Donny would become, I’m sure he would have drowned him in Jamaica Bay.

  • lovelydestruction

    Is this the “blowing up all the oil fields” blather he was going on about?

  • cbts

    Is Greta van Susteren super fast blinking Morse code? Maybe she needs help. Maybe Timmy’s in the well. Why won’t Trump help her?

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