For a limited time only, we’re going to agree with Glenn Beck, on a thing, and yes, we promise to never do it again. See, during a recent episode of the “show” he “broadcasts” on the interweb, from some basement somewhere, Beck and his buddies — whom we assume he met at broken-brain rehab — said it’s indicted former Gov. Rick Perry’s fault that Texas is all covered up with water, and more than two dozen people have died, with several more still missing. And you know what? We’re OK with blaming all that death and destruction on Rick Perry, because fuck that guy right in his yee haw.

First, Beck’s pals (names not important) have a good chuckle about what definitely did not cause the deadly flooding:

DUMBASS 1: The drought, which was blamed on global warming incessantly — now all the rain is ALSO being blamed on global warming.

DUMBASS 2: As they’ve always said, no matter what happens.

Hardy har har, stupid global warming conspiracy theorists think science is a thing. But here’s Head Dumbass Glenn Beck, preaching about how that rain really happened:

HEAD DUMBASS: I was up in the farm country, up in Idaho this last weekend, and it was a sloppy mess up there. And they had just, five weeks ago, they had a fast for rain because they were in a drought. And it started raining five weeks ago.

DUMBASS 1: That’s interesting. Because if Rick Perry announces that he’s running for president, which is expected of course — he, in 2012 or 2011 I think it was, was praying for rain here. Will he get blamed for the success of the rain and the flooding?

We should interrupt ourselves to inform you that while this trio of dumbasses chuckled but good at the obviously UNPOSSIBLE explanation of global warming as a cause for droughts AND rain, they appear to be take this “fasting” and “praying” explanation pretty seriously, because that, unlike actual science, makes perfect sense.

HEAD DUMBASS: He started ending that drought with that fast. Remember that?

DUMBASS 2: I do remember that, yeah. And he was mocked for it anyway.

HEAD DUMBASS: He was mocked for it, and he went ahead and did it, and that was the beginning of the end of the drought. I mean, we started having rain right after that. And this state was a desert.

So in April 2011, Gov. Perry officially proclaimed the Days of Prayer for Rain in the State of Texas, and voila! A mere four years later, God got right on that, cried all his heavenly tears across the state (unless he was crying about the gays? they cause weather too sometimes) and drowned some people. It’s a miracle!

All right, you got us, we do not really agree with Glenn ‘n’ Friends, because holy shit, that is a special kind of stupid that burns so hot, it could melt polar ice caps. But we definitely encourage Perry to run for president again, PRETTY PRETTY PLEASE, because we think he could win if he pinky-swears that he will save America the same way he saved Texas, by drowning it with his prayers, amen.


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  • Vecciojohn

    So Ricky prayed for rain and it killed some people. Don’t they give you the death penalty in Texas for that?

    • drbloor

      If you’re a Messican or some other variety of colored folk, yeah. If’n yer white, you get your own megachurch and a coupla Caddies.

      • Bill Slider

        Can I trade the megachurch for a blow job? A couple of caddies and a blow job would be nice. Oh, you meant fancy car caddies,. I was think of the muscular young college age caddies to perform the blowjob. Never mind.

  • coozledad

    Mao used to pull this shit with the Yangtze all the damn time.

  • docterry6973

    God loves Rick Perry more than those 31 dead people put together.

    • Blank Ron

      They didn’t HAVE to live in Texas.
      – God

  • Whiskey Train

    the stupidest stupid that stupid can be


      Naw, they’re just warming up


    The Texas flooding is God’s punishment for Texas not executing their prisoners fast enough…and the gays…and abortion…and the terrorists pushing the rain across an insecure border…and the gays again

  • JustPixelz

    Nice try Reptards, but if prayer worked…

    a) it would have rained five years ago
    b) President McCain would have nuked Iran six years ago
    c) you would have gotten laid in high school

    • coozledad

      d)You’d have saved thousands on dick pills
      e) a lifetime of eating country fried steak and pulled pork would not be killing you right now
      f) You would have won WWII

  • AngryBlakGuy

    ….every time I hear something this idiotic I always imagine a world with “prayer based technology”.

    -Hello sir I am Dr. Huckabee, I will be performing your double bypass surgery with the help of my trusty bible.

    -Good afternoon everyone this is your pilot speaking; several of the emergency engines have come on. But don’t worry I have just finished praying, so we should be good for the 1500 miles of our trans Atlantic flight

  • Viva La Tabula Raza

    As a Texas resident, do you think I could get away with starting a GoFundMe that would allow me to escape the stupidity here, which I sincerely believe is threatening my sanity, if not my life?

    • bobbert

      It couldn’t hurt to try.

    • anniegetyerfun

      I would send you a few bucks.

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      I hear it takes $10,000,000 to escape Texas, but hey – go for it!

  • bumfug

    “Pray away the dry!”

  • Lefty Frizzell

    I’m presuming then that none of these stupid fucks thought about praying for Mitt to win in 2012? Or for that matter for Perry to win in 2012?

    Just the droughts then. It only works with droughts. OK.

    FFS that’s dumb even for a deranged lunatic dumb person like Beck.

    • Latverian Diplomat

      Perry meant to also pray for a Presidential victory, after rain and more rain, but he forgot that third thing.

      He didn’t have his smart person glasses back then.

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      Mitt winning? God will get around to it in 2016.
      Hmmm… this may explain why Perry’s running again.

  • Callyson

    People still listen to Glenn Back? Or think Rick Perry is a credible presidential candidate?

    • fka_donnie_d

      I know I sound like the Absoulte Brokenest Record, but how is he magically “less credible” than any of the other clowns?

      • marxalot

        I think he’s just about as credible as the rest of them -Santorum, Huckabee, Graham, the rest of the B-listers- which is to say, not at all.

        • Biel_ze_Bubba

          They’re all B-listers on that (short) bus.

      • Callyson

        I’m not sure if you’re referring to Beck or Parry, but fair enough either way…

  • Sheepshagger

    You know five years ago I was prayin and a petitioning the lawd that rick perry would make a tit of himself. Co-incidence?

  • Ellis_Weiner

    that is a special kind of stupid that burns so hot, it could melt polar ice caps structural steel.


  • Gleem-McShinez

    If prayer can end drought and change the climate, then WHY THE FUCK AREN’T YOU FIXING THE GODDAMN PROBLEM CHRIST-TARDS?

  • Michael Smith

    Hey I was watching a documentary on Lewis and Clark and a similar thing worked for them.

    They were camping the winter up in North Dakota, where they befriended the Mandan tribe, who lived along a river and engaged in the fur trade. They two groups apparently had a pretty fun winter (even though it was colder than usual) until food began to run out. At that point, the Mandan informed Lewis & Clark that they were going to have a ceremony by which they summon the buffalo.

    From what I can tell from the description given by the narrator, the ceremony was pretty much a big swinger party. Everyone was having sex with everyone. And the members of the expedition even got to partake!

    Anyway, a day or two later, the buffalo showed up and everyone was able to eat. So there you have it. However, if supernatural means are the way to procure the things we need, I think the Mandan method was probably more fun than that of Rick Perry.

    • Fitzgerald Chesterfield

      Ah, yes, the Native American orgy. I heard it was intense!

    • Viva La Tabula Raza

      Them folks really needed to practice a little hygiene “down there,” if the smell was strong enough to attract the buffalo.

    • A similar thing happened to Gen. George Custer and his infamous “last stand”.

      His last words, “I’ve never seen so many fucking Indians!”.

      • Michael Smith

        That’s probably what the buffalo said, but Ken Burns documentaries tend not to directly quote foul-mouthed plains animals.

    • calliecallie

      Have you been watching “Drunk History” again?

    • EvelyndeBarry

      The Mandan called the men who were too old to hunt or fight “old bulls.” They had it pretty good.

      • Michael Smith

        They seemed to have the right outlook on life.

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      “Hey chief! I just spotted a herd of buffalo headed this way!”
      “Great. Tell the women we gotta do a buffalo ceremony tonight!”

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      “Hey chief! I just spotted a herd of buffalo headed this way!”
      “Great. Tell the women we gotta do a buffalo ceremony tonight!”

  • FZsdaughter

    And you know what comes after the flood…the RAINBOW! Rick Perry has finally brought the Gay, with his prayers!

    • calliecallie

      Now I have Katy Perry stuck in my head. “After the hurricane, comes the rainbow.” Better than Rick Perry, I guess.

      • nmmagyar

        Never think of Rick Perry coming

  • OooShiny

    “…Rick Perry, because fuck that guy right in his yee haw.”

    That is so farking fabulous.

    • Viva La Tabula Raza

      As we say down heah in Texas, “Yee-Haw!!!”

  • Viva La Tabula Raza

    A severely homophobic woman of my acquaintance finally figured out the other night that her 16 year old son is afflicted with the gay (my schadenfreude was in overdrive). She gave quite an emotional performance at the bar but we all calmed her down and told her it was no big deal (I doubt she believed us but at least she calmed the fuck down).
    She sent a text the next day saying that Nick had assured her that he wasn’t gay (he is, even if he doesn’t know it yet), and that she was glad that God had put her in our presence at the bar so we could give her relief and succor in her time of need. I was oh-so tempted to reply that it couldn’t have been God, because he was busy drowning people over in Wimberley, San Marcos, and elsewhere in Central, South, and East Texas.


      Calmed he down? What were you thinking? Wind her up again and put it youtube.

      • Viva La Tabula Raza

        All the histrionics really spoiled the ambience at the bar.

        • Boscoe

          I thought that’s why God invented tazers? ;P

          You know, for the succor and relief of everyone else in the bar…

    • RoyalUglyDude

      I sense that He is calling me to a bar right now…

    • 24601

      You are an agent of the Lord, Archangel Raza. That is awesome! So do you still have to pay for drinks? :)

      • Blank Ron

        God doesn’t do expense accounts.

        • BackDoorMan

          … if He did, I think a closer look at all the sweet holy cash being raked in by the churches operating in His Name would definitely be in order.

  • Fitzgerald Chesterfield

    This is great news for every American football team out there!

  • RoyalUglyDude

    Instead of asking God for rain, he must have prayed to a cheeky genie by mistake. Be more careful with your next wish, Rick!

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      And ixnay on the wishing for more wishes. That’s it. Uno, dos, tres.
      No substitutions, exchanges or refunds.

  • They believe in a surprisingly incompetent god, I’m just saying. If there were a federal agency in charge of making rain, and it took them five years to finally produce rain and then they produced way too much rain all at once and killed people, there would be no end to the outrage.

    • Viva La Tabula Raza

      Well, such incompetence would probably be a result of their cutting the funding to that agency to the point that it was as useless as OSHA or NASA is these days.


      They believe in a God that said “Hey, Abraham! Prove you love me and kill your son”. And Abraham said “Really? Dude, come on. That’s totally harshing my buzz”. And God said “Do it or you will be out of my favor and probably suffer for eternity in hell”. So Abraham said “Holy fuck! OK then I’ll do it”. After much consternation Abraham set out to do God’s will but at the last minute God said “Psyche! Just kidding dude. You’re a good kid” and then He tussled Abraham’s hair the same way Barney Fife did to Opie after molesting him. Yeah, its an abusive relationship…

      • “Oh hey Israelites – I got all your messages about conditions in Egypt. I’m *so* sorry it took so long to get back to you. Would would not *believe* how busy the last several decades have been! Anyhoo – I’ve sent a deliverer, uh, somewhere, and if the pharaoh doesn’t kill him then eventually he’ll, you know, lead you out. You guys are good with long walks, right?”

        • MrBlobfish
          • idiotboy

            Thanks, have not heard that in years and now I has a happy stuck in my head.
            Needed that.

          • Zyxomma

            One of my favorite songs, the first reggae I ever heard. Sang backup in a Doo-Wop band in the 90s, and we covered it. Thanks!

      • Lot_49

        Here’s another version: Alas it morphs into a parable about how Israel deserves to have the West Bank because “they” got there first. Still an amazing song.

        My ex used to say that this verse was the story of my life in the big corporation where I once worked:

        “When it all comes down to dust, I will kill you if I must.
        I will help you if I can.”

        • mailman27

          “god said to Abraham ‘kill me a son’
          god said ‘man you must be puttin’ me on’ “

      • Jen_Baker_VA

        It would be utterly ok with me if you were to pen the next revisionist version of the bible. I so wanna read your Ruth.

    • Biff52


    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      Hey, it was just a problem with the website roll-out. They fixed it, OK?

  • Bill Slider

    It took God four years of going through his prayer inbox to reach Rick Perry’s prayer asking for rain in Texas. The request was four years old, so God decided that in order to answer this prayer, he needed to add some extra rain to show his support for Rick Perry and to compensate for his own tardiness. Got it. God is getting better, since it took him five and a half years that one time John McCain prayed for his release from capture by the Viet Cong. Go God, go.


      God pays late fees? I got a lot of sex coming my way…

      • Careful you don’t drown.


          Wait…is God like a genie? Every granted wish comes with horrible unforeseen consequences?

          • Viva La Tabula Raza

            God the Monkey Paw.


            Monkey Paw? Is that a code word for some nasty Duggering? Just Joshing you

          • 24601

            How many Duggars could a Josh Duggar diddle if a Josh Duggar could diddle Duggars?

          • nmmagyar

            5, IIRC

          • Biff52

            That we know of!

          • Biel_ze_Bubba


  • say wha

    “HEAD DUMBASS: I was up in the farm country, up in Idaho this last weekend, and it was a sloppy mess up there.”
    Glenn Beck Makes Sloppy Mess in Idaho Farm Country: Pictures at 11.

    • Sloppy mess in your farm country – isn’t that santorum?

      • Whale Chowder

        I don’t know but it speaks of poor hygiene.

      • Biel_ze_Bubba

        That, or exploding pig doots.

    • Gleem-McShinez

      The poor livestock!

  • JoeChristmas

    And also too:Thanks Rick Perry for dressing up like Hitler and making Ni**erhead cool.

  • texasace00

    I am offended at the way Wonkette talks about my beloved Texas….well, not really, they are kinda batshit crazy here, well, not kinda, they are fucking insane here…Oh, never mind

    • MilwaukeeKent

      I know. I live in Wisconsin. Apologies are useless.

    • Brenda Szuszczewicz

      It’s hard to defend a state that elected Greg Abbott. And I’m speaking as a Texas resident.

      I’m moving from here within the month and I can’t stop stating at my countdown to moving day clock.

  • 24601

    ♫ Step back, non-believers or the rain will never come
    Some one keep that fire burning, somebody beat the drum ♫

    • Biff52

      Gay icon Cher made it rain?

  • weejee

    Mmm, Glenn Beck weeping in the Idaho potato fields didn’t seem to help.

    • bobbert

      So, what weekend was Beck talking about, do you suppose?

      • Anarchy Pony

        Probably in 1990 when he raped and murdered that girl, allegedly.

        • anniegetyerfun

          I can’t believe he hasn’t stopped to refute that claim. I think it speaks volumes about his character.

  • Electric Ukelele Land

    Well, it’s not as if God would have capriciously decided to drown everyone in Texas so he could start fresh…

    • Biff52

      So Rick’s plan to build an ark isn’t so dumb now, is it? As long as he makes sure to save two each armadillos, razorbacks and longhorns, that is.

      • Biel_ze_Bubba

        And two rattlesnakes. (Or a pair of Texas republicans.)

  • calliecallie

    Glenn Beck is a moran. Everyone knows Obama did this with his secret weather machine.

    • mtn_philosoph

      Yeah, forget that nonsense. Those of us who are AWAKE! know it was the chemtrails.

  • Me not sure

    Being a good Morman, maybe, if Glen prayed real hard, seagulls would come and eat the worms out of his brain.

  • MrBlobfish

    There have been many military helicopters over the NYC metro area the last week or two, in addition to several large naval ships in the Hudson River. There were also some freakishly heavy rains this past weekend. Coincidence?

    • Doug Langley

      I think NOT!!!

    • Shibusa

      Jade Helm 16?

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      God hates flags?

    • MilwaukeeKent

      Fleet Week?

      • MrBlobfish

        That’s what they want you to think.

        • mtn_philosoph

          Everybody (except the sheeple) know it was produced by HAARP.

    • MilwaukeeKent

      Fleet Week?

  • VandeGraf

    Will Rick pray and fast that my hip quits aching? Maybe in public, so it helps him score big time monies?

    • MrBlobfish

      You don’t get it, do you? Set up your GoFundMe site and you get big time monies.

      • Boscoe

        -IF you can connect your hip ache with the liberal assault on Christmas.

        • Biel_ze_Bubba

          Or blame it on the gays.

  • BearGHAZI


  • Ergoetal

    Yo Rick,
    I need my lawn mowed. But PLEASE no shorter than two inches, K?

  • jw

    Wait, I thought god sent historic floods that kill lots of people because he was pissed off about gay marriage.

    • alwayspunkindrublic

      I heard it was because He got some shitty chicken wings at a Luby’s in Ft. Worth.

      • harryeagar

        You can get those anywhere in Texas

  • Paperless Tiger

    Rick forgot the part about making it stop. It was right on the tip of his tongue.

    • Gleem-McShinez

      Dear God, Please please, make it rain in Austin, and Dallas, and then…

  • janecita

    And this is the kind of efficiency that we could expect from President Perry. You need new roads, bridges, money for education? President Perry will pray for you. God listens to him all the time. Imagine all the money we would save! Amazing

    • alwayspunkindrublic

      His new smart glasses don’t seem to be helping much.

    • frambley1

      But none of it would actually happen until a few years later, like when the next person is President.

      I keep on reading over my comment and I just can’t get past the fact that we are entertaining the possibility of President Perry. Now my head hurts.

  • Poly_Ester

    Texas must have gotten a special dispensation because I have heard that God is still working on athletes’ prayers from the 2013 Super Bowl.

  • guppy06

    Rick Perry kept us safe hydrated!

    • jmk

      Marco Rubio LIBEL!!!

  • Jen_Baker_VA

    God only sends floods for gheys, get it right Glen, we expect more from such a top notch journalismistic fellow as yourself.

  • Incoming Ham

    Rick isn’t responsible for the floods. As we all know it’s the gays and witches.

  • chascates

    And, speaking from Central Texas where we just had 14 inches of rain in May, I’d like Prick Perry to pray away the mud, the flies and fire ants, and the humidity.

    • Brenda Szuszczewicz

      Here in the Hill Country we’re still under stage 2 drought restrictions in addition to the mosquitos n’ mud party going on. On the other hand my xeriscaped plantings in lieu of lawn are looking fabulous.

      I have fun imagining Perry’s chats with God after his magnificent Day of Totally Not Pre-Presidential Aspiration Prayer a Thon resulted in disastrous wildfires. Not the best PR, Rick.

      I never thought I’d say this, but fewer than a few months of Abbott left me with Perry nostalgia. That’s quite an achievement for Abbott. Seriously, I would have thought it nearly impossible to make Rick Perry look like a really good idea.

  • Biff52

    All this rain is just slow motion waterboarding.

    • SK

      ..for all the Chinamen ISIS trapped in those Wal-Mart tunnels.

      [I am confused. Do the Chinese do torture by a thousand cuts or with just water?]

  • georgiaburning

    Slow at turning on the water and then not noticing the flooding? Is Perry’s God stupider than the One we usually hear about? That would fit the profile.

    • SK

      Perry’s God just peed over Tejas.

  • Whale Chowder

    Well it’s floodin’ down in Texas
    All the lines to God are down
    I’ve been tryin’ to call the Lord
    And I can’t get a single sound

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      Yeah flood water keep a rolling, man,
      It’s about to drive poor Glenn insane.

  • JohnR

    Never mind

  • harryeagar

    He works in mysterious ways.

  • dshwa

    Climate change’s biggest problem is that science is hard, while stupid is so very, very easy.

    • frambley1

      Its so much easier to live your life by thoughts that fit on bumper stickers.

  • TootsStansbury

    A while back WAPO included in its editorial pages an entry by Glen Beck. I don’t even remember what it was about. We cancelled our subscription. Now if I could only stop buying the Sunday edition for the fucking crossword puzzles.

    Texas, I could be mean but I hate to be mean; I’ll just say bless your pea pickin little hearts.

  • D_C_Wilson

    Ballpark figure, how much blow does Beck do before recording his “show?”

    • Biel_ze_Bubba


  • Anarchy Pony

    Wasn’t Rick’s pray-a-thon like two years ago? I guess with jehovah it’s better late than never.

  • Biel_ze_Bubba

    They must read Wonkette, where I posited that very same theory some time ago. I am more than gratified to see that it’s being taken seriously by these guys… now I know how The Onion’s writers must feel when this happens.

  • MilwaukeeKent

    Cut God some slack on the time lapse here, folks — it’s Texas, he had a lot of prayers for high school football teams to answer first.

    • Ulricii

      Those must be tough Friday nights for the G-guy. Both sides praying like crazy and he’s got to rack ’em up on his Divine abacus to see who’s ahead. I bet he wishes Odin or Satan or even the Flying Spaghetti Guy had a team in the league so He didn’t have to do all the arbitrage.

  • toomanyrappers

    Only Christians can ask their sky friend for rain. Everyone else that ever did that is a “savage”. That’s why Jesus said it was ok to kill them and steal their stuff. ;)

    • Ulricii

      And you close with a wink why?

      • toomanyrappers

        Because I enjoy poking fun at savages and mythology. :)

  • Greg Comlish

    In a way, Rick Perry’s prayers are just like that time I got a B+ on my science project. I found so much great information in Encyclopedia Britannica and I put it all in. Overkill.

  • DahBoner

    I’m praying for northern Texas to get snow.

    Just wait, in about 6 months, God Rick Perry Superman will answer my prayers…

  • Alex Grey

    FSM tried to pull people out of the flood waters, but they would not grasp his noodly appendage…

  • freakishlystrong

    Rick Perry slashed Texas volunteer fire dept funding by 75%, forest service funding by a third..
    During a drought. Did those fuckwits mention that?

  • sandan

    Hey Guys, Don’t be too critical about Perrywinkle. He was in the top 10% of his high school class, but there were only 13 students. But then, he was Great as a Super Pom-Pom Cheerleader at Texas A&M! Every Redneck needs a Perry to realize how important they are, unto themselves.

  • intlet9949

    Hey Rick there are children dying of cancer everyday in Texas. How about praying and fasting for them as soon as you have a break in your campaign.

  • azeyote

    speaking of prayers – Rick Perry doesn’t have a prayer of a chance to be president – so much for his god

  • nonyabizzz

    some people…. are just painful…



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  • Odd Jørgensen

    Good times, pray for rain and your state catches on fire, hooray!
    Good thing he decimated the volunteer fire brigades first also, too.

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