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Shaaaaaaaaame.

We’ve learned so much about the Duggars in the past couple weeks! Of course, we now know, in grisly detail, about how Josh Duggar molested five girls, four of whom were also his co-stars on TLC’s 19 Kids And Counting, i.e., his sisters. We’ve also been learning more and more about the creepy homeschooling cult the Duggars subscribe to, that of alleged sex crimer Bill Gothard’s Advanced Training Institute (ATI). We know the sort of horrific counseling Josh’s victims likely received, using materials from the ATI cult that suggest when little girls are molested, they share some of the blame, for being female, and for being available targets.

god's lawBut what kind of sex ed are the kids getting in the first place? Is Our Duggar Children Learning About Sex? Well yes, kind of, in a really creepy way that seems to directly set the stage for the sort of abuse Josh Duggar inflicted on his sisters. Gawker dug through some of ATI’s “Wisdom Booklets” and learned so many exciting things! For instance, ladies? You are naturally allergic to the jizz treats of all mankind, and if you get overexposed, you will get cancer. Now, you are probably thinking, if jizz causes cancer, shouldn’t Michelle Duggar be dead by now? NO, YOU IDIOT, you don’t know the first thing about science. The curriculum clearly teaches that when you are getting Duggared consistently by a man who is your God-ordained husband, your lady cervix parts will become immune to the jizz demons — but only HIS jizz demons. If you have sex with strange dick, it’s just like allergy season, and you will get the pussy sniffles. Or cancer:

Doctors have discovered that the seed of the man is an alien substance to the woman. It triggered responses similar to those of an “allergic” reaction. A woman who has a husband is able to develop “immunity” to this reaction; however, a promiscuous woman’s immune system becomes confused and unable to distinguish alien substances. This confusion is a key to the development of cancer.

Now, Cosmopolitan (who will NOT be using this in its upcoming issue “666 Ways To Drive Your Duggar Wild In Bed”) points out that sperm allergies are a real thing, but blaming them on promiscuity is fucked up, and also not scientific.

Please note that if somehow a foreign demon sperm happens to penetrate the area without making you sneeze or giving you a mild case of the cancers, you can still get pregnant. And what happens to ladies who get pregnant by men what are not their husbands?

The miscarriage or premature birth of a child conceived in unfaithfulness can also be attributed to the stress of the cup of bitter water. This interpretation assumes that the accused WOMAN is pregnant when she is brought before the priest. If the child is the husband’s, she has no reason for guilt, and the child will live.

The female body has ways of shutting that whole thing — HEY WAIT A MINUTE. Does former Missouri Rep. Todd Akin, of the “legitimate rape” Akins, factor into this?  Has somebody looked into whether there’s a connection between the Duggars and THAT guy? Oh hai:

The Duggars are back on the campaign trail. This time, they are showing their support for representative Todd Akin. Join them in Missouri on October 16th and 17th (details below). The Duggars plan on bringing their entire family, minus John and Jill, to the events to perform music. Josh and Anna also plan on attending with Mackynzie and Michael.

A refugee from the Quiverfull movement remarked at the time, “I wonder if Jim Bob and Michelle would be so eager to support him if one of their precious daughters had the misfortune of being raped?” Knowing that the Duggars knew then what we know now, gonna go throw up now.

Okay, back to rapey misogynistic Duggar sex ed. Did you know that if you sin, with your sinhole, you might actually have to have surgery to pull all the shame and guilt out of your lady organs? It’s true:

surgery

 

But remember, the men are NOT TO BLAME for any of this, because they do not have the power to control themselves around ladies or, apparently in Josh Duggar’s case, little girls:

When a man looks lustfully at a woman, a flood of impulses travels through the optic nerve to the back of the brain. As a result, the glands and other bodily functions are activated, and the level of testosterone increases.

Recent studies revealed a significant correlation between high testosterone levels and those who commit violent crimes.

He can’t control what happens to his body when he sees a pretty lady, but you, ladies, can control whether or not you are dressed like a temptress whore. And if you show a bit of wrist and get raped, well, your slut wrist probably was making an inadvertent “come hither” gesture.

Stay tuned. There’s more where this came from.

[Gawker]

 

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  • Beowoof14

    Do they really expect anyone to swallow that?

    • Vecciojohn

      “It’s all right dear. You’re immune!”

  • Villago Delenda Est

    This explains a whole lot about the situation in Texas with Rick Perry praying for rain.

  • Spotts1701
    • marxalot

      The Silver Age featured a lot of “science!” My favorite was “atomic super science.”

  • Nounverb911

    Will Sex Ed with the Duggars be a new weekly event on the Wonkette?

  • JohnBull

    You know what else causes cancer? A diet heavy in meat and cholesterol. Someone tell the Huckabee family.

    • JohnR

      The Huckster has one of them god umbrellas like in the picture, so no cancer or demons.

    • Mehmeisterjr

      Also not good for you: The smoke coming off a dog. That. You. Burned. Alive. For Fun.

  • jviscont1

    my mates just down voted renaming the band to The Pussy Sniffles. thanks anyway Evan.

    • Jaime Oria

      You could still call your first EP “Cup of Bitter Water”, though.

    • Vecciojohn

      So you’re sticking with The Runny Dicks?

    • darnyoudarnyoutoheck

      No accounting for taste. I just tryed to rename my Tues. walking group the TWATs for “Tues walk and talk” but noooo. They didn’t like it.??

    • Land Shark

      You could always go with a classic: The Panty Whispers

  • Villago Delenda Est

    Recent studies revealed a significant correlation between high testosterone levels and those who commit violent crimes.

    So, they checked the Dark Lord’s testosterone levels before he ordered the deserting coward to order the invasion of Iraq?

  • “Recent studies revealed a significant correlation between bible humping Jesus Freaks and those who commit violent crimes.”

    Study results, fixed.

  • memzilla

    …[men] do not have the power to control themselves…

    So true. Reading stuff like this, I’m finding it hard to control my gag reflex right now.

    • Villago Delenda Est

      Yeah, I’m feeling a bit stabby myself.

    • Bubble Genius

      My vagina’s throwing up.

      • LarryHoudini

        Are you based in Tijuana? I think I’ve seen your show.
        Great stuff!

        • Bubble Genius

          Not in TJ yet. But my mom did tell me to have something to fall back on if I give up the soap business.

    • Gristle McThornbody

      This one always gets me. They claim that women have more willpower, more emotional control, and are just generally more stable than men, and yet they insist on making men the leaders of their churches and homes. It’s really, really stupid on a lot of levels.

      • Villago Delenda Est

        This is what a derpapalooza looks like.

      • marxalot

        I’ve never understood that. How men are rational, stable, and all that rot, but can’t be held responsible for their own behavior and never learned the meaning of “self control.” Well, maybe it’s because they’re masters of all they survey, unfamiliar with the idea that they can’t have something they want. So if you make ’em want something, better be prepared to let ’em have it!
        Guh.

    • HarryButtle

      Funny, I never really had to battle any inner demons to keep myself from raping my sister.

  • Sharkey

    Achoo!!

    • Vecciojohn

      Sharkey! Have you been sinning again?

  • Ricky Gay

    I blame those tarty granny-panties

    • HarryButtle

      It all went downhill when they stopped wearing chastity belts.

  • FauxAntocles

    Ah, the Dark Ages, we just can’t quit you.

  • Bubble Genius

    Praise Jizzus.

    oh, and Evan, it’s “grisly,” not “grizzly” in this context. Sorry, I’m a pedant.

    • Querolous

      I took it as some sort of Palinsnark.

  • ryp

    So it sounds like the answer here is just to blind men when they hit adolescence, and temptation won’t be a problem.

    • Dudleydidwrong

      “They blinded me with science,” at least the pseudo-moronic-idiotic-ridiculous stuff that passes for “science” in this duggary world.

    • MrBlobfish

      Cruel but fair.

  • Esteban Rey

    Remember that self-duggaring is against God’s wishes and can lead to male miscarriages and choad cancers.

  • Suse

    “Of course, we now know, in grizzly detail…” He was molesting bears, as well?

  • advancedatheist

    My mother and sister live in Springdale, Arkansas. They don’t know the Duggars, they don’t belong to a church and they don’t profess religious beliefs. But they tell me that they see members of the Duggar family in public frequently, and Mom, especially, feels respect and admiration for them. My sister cashiers at a Walmart, and she says that sometimes the older Duggar girls will bring their younger brothers with them when they go shopping. The boys stare goggle-eyed at the relatively scantily clad women they see at Walmart who don’t dress like the girls and women they see in their home and at their church.

    And keep in mind that my mother and sister have a basically secular orientation. Our family stopped going to church (a Southern Baptist one in Tulsa) in 1974. And after our father died last year, my sister arranged to have his remains cremated and placed in a veterans’ cemetery without a memorial service. Yet these women see a lot of value in the way the Duggars live. In other words, the Duggars have fans outside of the demographics you would expect.

    So this suggests a reason for why the Duggars’ existence and success drive progressives nuts: They show the failure of the progressive project to reshape the human mind like clay and create something similar to the Bolsheviks’ fantasy in the last century of the New Soviet Man. Progressives hold huge institutional advantages in education, academia, government, the law and the media and Hollywood. Yet here and there pockets of effective resistance keep appearing to demonstrate the workability of traditional social models. And progressives simply can’t let these resisters go unpunished, hence the efforts to discredit the Duggars, Phil Robertson, Hobby Lobby founder David Green and similar people who clearly have their lives better organized and managed than the majority of Americans.

    • JohnR

      Umm, no.

    • Vecciojohn

      So you don’t haven I be religious to be a bigot and accuse people who disagree with you of being Commies. Good to know.

    • Villago Delenda Est

      You know, you post like Rand Paul. First two paragraphs are pretty reasonable, the in the third paragraph, the train wreck starts.

      • kindness

        The 3 paragraph rule?

        • Meccalopolis

          glad i don’t read long, nonexistent comments

          • SuspectedDemocrat

            I just skim it for the dick jokes.

    • Esteban Rey

      Better than average trolling! I love how you managed to squeeze in bolshevism, and the fake anecdote about your family was good.

      • Bolshevism makes me think it’s just a joke that went on too long, right?

        • SuspectedDemocrat

          Yes, since 1917! *rimshot*

    • PsycWench

      Dafuq did I just read? The powers of pockets or something?

      • SuspectedDemocrat

        The power of hot pockets. I’m hungry.

        • mtn_philosoph

          The power of “pocket billiards.”

    • Ruhe

      I see nothing “advanced” about your “atheism”.

    • Tallmutha

      Wow, I see from your profile that you consider these thoughts so valuable that you have posted them verbatim in at least ten other comment sections! That’s confidence!

      • Suse

        I just read through his comments. Aside from repeating the above many times, he also posted a really creepy screed here http://www.rawstory.com/2015/05/the-duggar-family-is-part-of-a-sex-cult/

        • topjob66t

          The good readers over there kicked his ass also.
          For one commenter who was not pleased with the rant:
          “Fuck off and go back to 8chan or AVFM or whatever misogynist cesspit you crawled out of.” With love!!!

      • Dudleydidwrong

        He’s got a little piano and can only play one note. He wants to sound like an intellectual atheist (“advanced:” he’s bravely taking the point for the whole platoon) but in reality he’s only got that one note down pat and isn’t interested in the variations. Play your little piano elsewhere, my friend.

        • 24601

          Wonder if his little piano comes with a tiny pianist…

      • Kat Anyperson

        advancedatheist is a full time troll and full time idiot. He stirs the pot and walks away, always being careful to sound wordy enough to make himself sound credible. The persona changes based upon what he thinks will work best at the time.

        Twit blamed the “alleged molestation” on Josh’s “beta” features.

        Enjoy the derp.

        http://www.motherjones.com/contributor/2015/05/holy-shit-how-duggars-homeschooling-curriculum-allegedly-dealt-sexual-abuse

        • Total MRA bullshit. I’ll betcha advancedatheist is a gamma male burning w/ resentment..

          • jmk

            I am getting a distinct whiff of neckbeardism.

    • jodyleek

      Success? Having a passel of progeny so large that you have no clue that your son is a sexual predator who is diddling many of your daughters isn’t successful. It’s neglect.

      • 24601

        Exactly. If a person had 19 cats we’d consider them flaky at the very least and would probably call ASPCA to perform a wellness check because you can’t see to the needs of that number of dependents.

    • Lefty Frizzell

      Cool story bro.

    • Logic of Color

      So a dude molests his sisters for a couple of years, and that’s part of our “progressive agenda”? Wow, were better than I thought!

    • fawkedifiknow

      Do you think your mother and sister still believe the Duggars are admirable examples of traditional social models? If you do, have you considered that they aren’t real smrt?

    • grumblestiltskin

      Say, you know who else had their lives better organized and managed than the majority of Americans?

      • Jaime Oria

        The armed forces of the DPRK? (trigger warning for defrauding lady soldiers!)

        • Villago Delenda Est

          If you’re a leg man, this is better than the Rockettes!

        • MrBlobfish

          Say! Goose-step over my way, Momma!

    • goonemeritus

      Three paragraphs and not one Butt- sex joke, I’m guessing you
      didn’t read the Wonkette style pamphlet.

    • jviscont1

      ‘minds like clay’? you are in silly putty territory here, sir.

    • Thaumaturgist

      Yep! Time to praise Josh, not to bury him.

      Glad I got that right.

    • Spotts1701

      And progressives simply can’t let these resisters go unpunished, hence the efforts to discredit the Duggars, Phil Robertson, Hobby Lobby founder David Green and similar people who clearly have their lives better organized and managed than the majority of Americans.

      Um, hate to break it to ya sport, but they discredited themselves with their bigotry, hypocrisy, and in some cases outright criminal behavior. We just happen to be the mob trundling along with the rotten fruit and vegetables with which to pelt them.
      But thanks for the laughs.

    • 24601

      Thanks for reaffirming my belief that it never pays to read long comments.

    • “Dear Penthouse Forum – this kind of thing never happens to me…”

    • Kat Anyperson

      “hence the efforts to discredit the Duggars”

      Progressives didn’t force Josh to molest little girls. They certainly didn’t force Jim Bob to violate laws he voted for that would punish offenders and those who conceal them. They didn’t force the mother to conceal the crime, either.

      They discredited themselves, sunshine. Now please take your hasty generalizations and “bolshevik fantasy” rants and cram them where the sun doesn’t shine. <3

      • SuspectedDemocrat

        I think the message is we’re supposed to keep quiet about it and let the church cover up child abuse, so hot pockets of resistance can continue.

      • Land Shark

        with votes, of course.

    • SuspectedDemocrat

      Boy do I feel stupid for ever thinking there was something wrong in that family!

    • Yet here and there pockets of effective resistance keep appearing to demonstrate the workability of traditional social models. And progressives simply can’t let these resisters go unpunished, hence the efforts todiscredit the Duggars, Phil Robertson, Hobby Lobby founder David Green and similar people who clearly have their lives better organized and managed than the majority of Americans.

      Oh stuff it. “Better organized ” to allow for sex abuse against one’s siblings? Traditional social models? Is sister-diddling a “traditional social model”? Where exactly?

    • Caepan

      Bless your heart.

    • jmk

      I bet you post a lot about ethics in game-reviewing journalism, too.

  • goonemeritus

    You know, I always suspected that women were allergic to me.

  • Enfant Terrible

    “When a man looks lustfully at a woman, a flood of impulses blah blah blah”

    So a guy can teach a dog to not hump people’s legs, but he can’t teach himself self-control?

    • We’re not supposed to be humping people’s legs? This explains a lot…

      • mtn_philosoph

        Wait — we’re not?!?!?

  • baconzgood

    So what are these “allergic” reaction? Swelling, abdominal pain, and baby popping out?

    • dslindc

      9 months of weird cravings?

      • Villago Delenda Est

        Ice cream, pickles, a Trans-am, etc.

        • SecludedCompound

          I was probably the cravings in the back of the Trans-Am that got …. oh nevermind.

    • nmmagyar

      Rapid mood swings from “melancholy” to “blissful” to “Actively and Dangerously psychotic with homicidal urges”

  • PsycWench

    Ah, the impeccable logic of “studies have shown”, “Doctors have discovered”, and “there is evidence showing”.

    • Villago Delenda Est

      All straight out of the Dr. Oz snake oil sales catalog.

    • jviscont1

      and when any of these sources are lacking, you always have the bible.

    • dshwa

      “If you look at the studies…”

      Every time I hear a drug rep say that to me, I know there’s a giant ass half truth coming.

  • dslindc

    So there must be a JesusMD.com™, which like WebMD, also assumes it’s always cancer, but also assumes it’s caused by evil and “immoral” behavior.

  • As an ex-fundamentalist, this all sounds familiar.

    Sex is inherently wicked. God will only tolerate it in marriage and it should be for procreation and you shouldn’t enjoy yourself too much because then God might get all smite-y with you.

    And you men wouldn’t want to marry a gal who wasn’t a virgin because that would be like if you wanted a stick of gum and someone offered you a chewed wad of gum they found on the sidewalk.

    I wish I was kidding about that last analogy. That was actually one I heard.

    • 24601

      But it’s okay for us women to have second hand hot dogs that the vendor dropped on the ground. That’s different.

      • Villago Delenda Est

        I regret that I can give but a single upfist to this comment.

      • Well, to be fair, they did assure us that if we men had sex, we would definitely get herpes, gonorrhea, and AIDs and suffer for our sins wishing we had just listened to our pastor when he warned us about loose women.

        It’s still the lady’s fault we got the STD, of course. Because fundamentalism.

        • 24601

          Hmm. Premarital sex causes certain death…and masturbation is strictly forbidden. No wonder religious types are such repressed freaks. :)

        • Jaime Oria

          Or WW2 propaganda to keep our boys in fighting – uh – trim…

          • Villago Delenda Est

            When I was stationed in Korea, there was an annual VD lecture given by the Company Commander, featuring graphics to show just what could happen to your precious johnson with the wrong lady.

            The supply room issued condoms, too.

          • MrBlobfish

            And I can find these “Good Time” girls where exactly? Yea yea yea for a friend.

    • Logic of Color

      What about: “and you WOmen wouldn’t want to marry a GUY that wasn’t a virgin dotdotdot ”

      Yeah right. Wake up mr. Logic, you seem to forget we’re talking about assholes here.

      Comrade, I’m glad we escaped.

    • raptorjesus

      I taught science in a catholic school for one year (apparently, it didn’t go well) and the theology teacher that taught sex ed made the same gum chewing analogy. She also had them glue two pieces of paper together and told them that when they have sex it is like their souls are glued together and if they break up, it’s like ripping the paper apart and you have a broken and torn soul to offer the next person.

      • Man, that is fucked up.

      • SuspectedDemocrat

        That’s pretty much how Sam Kinison described his break-ups.

      • Villago Delenda Est

        Hmm, sounds like something He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named might do, to make horcruxes.

      • Mehmeisterjr

        Does the spearmint lose its flavor on some other guy’s bedpost overnight?

  • 24601

    “The miscarriage or premature birth of a child conceived in unfaithfulness can also be attributed to the stress of the cup of bitter water. If the child is the husband’s, she has no reason for guilt, and the child will live.”
    Ruh roh. Who is going to break it to Jim Bob that Duggar #20, which came out of Michelle’s EZ Bake Oven way undercooked was the result of her being unfaithful and was an allergic reaction to some other guy putting his cooking utensils in her commercial sized oven.

    • Suse

      lmao!

    • cbts

      Bakin’ biscuits, cornbread, cake, cookies and cinnamon rolls!

  • TundraGrifter

    “Doctors have discovered that the seed of the man is an alien substance to the woman.”
    With all due respect to Our Creator, that doesn’t strike me as very Intelligent Design.
    More like Microsoft using consumers as Beta Testers.

  • Ruhe

    So we’re talking about Sharia, right? We’re all agreed then? This is Sharia?

  • JohnR

    Also too “they have a rod” for disciplining children and used “blanket training” something which I have never heard of but find disturbing. http://bit.ly/1HAEMv6 Sounds similar to paper training a puppy.

    • Villago Delenda Est

      There is an old tradition in the Army called “a blanket party” which is not officially sanctioned.

      But it is effective.

      • JohnR

        We’re talking about toddlers here.

        • Villago Delenda Est

          I’m not surprised they’ve taken it to that level.

          These people are very, very crude.

          • blaid droog

            not people. they are the creatures that arrived on the ship that crashed at roswell.

          • Blank Ron

            I don’t think so. No race that could do this to their own offspring would ever figure a way off their own planet.

          • Kat Anyperson

            Give humanity time and it will let you down.

            Expect nothing and never be disappointed again.

    • I read that & was horrified. (I don’t horrify that easily, either.) Let’s share the vision that the Duggars have for the world:

      Blanket training is the Pearls’ first step to molding obedient children: starting in infancy, parents put their baby on a blanket and flick them with a flexible ruler or other instrument if the baby tries to roll or crawl off. Eventually, the baby is “trained” to ignore his or her natural curiosity and stay on the blanket, because he or she is scared.

      Michelle admitted to using this type of training in a 2011 interview with The Duggar Family Blog, but she did not specifically mention using the corporal punishment aspect. “It’s not waiting until they do something wrong to correct them, but actually taking moments to train them,” Michelle said. “What they’re learning is self-control. …They’re learning to obey Mommy’s voice.”

      Lennon was wrong: We are here to live in pain & fear, according to the Duggars.

      • JohnR

        I have been saying “nothing surprises me” for years but this did. How this is not abuse is beyond me but if no one knows about it it must be a spiritual matter.

        • Kat Anyperson

          It actually violates child abuse laws in multiple states. Wording that prohibited that kind of abuse was voted upon by Jim Bob. He voted yea to pass it.

          Once again, it’s illegal for everyone else… but not the Duggars.

      • jmk

        These are the same assholes who were all “no, no, it’s fine” a few years ago when Michael Pearl came out with To Train Up A Child, advocating “whipping” infants.

        The deaths of at least three children are linked to his “methods,” which, according to Wikipedia, include advising “parents to use objects like a quarter-inch plumbing tube to spank children and “break their will”. It also mentions withholding food and putting children under a cold garden hose.”

        The quotes on this page are nauseating: http://www.patheos.com/blogs/lovejoyfeminism/2013/04/some-quotes-from-michael-pearl.html

        • OneDemin EOr

          Some MORAN gave my daughter this book a few years ago after she had her first child. I found it in a pile of junk while helping her move. I remembered the Pearls from an Oregon child abuse case, so I read it. They are damned lucky they have a right to free speech in this country; elsewhere they would be prosecuted for promoting child endangerment and abuse. They advocate using a switch on a months-old child to “discourage” misbehavior like toddling off to explore. They are criminals .

  • JustPixelz

    I’m unclear what teenagers can learn from euphemisms like “the seed of the man”, “the cup of bitter water”, “the glands and other bodily functions are activated”. WAIT! I figured it out. They’re talking about cake decorating.

    • So… you shouldn’t offer to make a cup of bitter water for gay weddings? Now I’m even more confused.

  • Anarchy Pony

    That second picture and caption may be the most insane thing I’ve heard in at least 36 hours.

  • marxalot

    I will respond to this substantively as soon as I get my head out of the toilet.

    • jmk

      I read these articles while I’m at work…people are beginning to think I’m bulimic.

  • Ryan Denniston

    “Did you know that if you sin, with your sinhole, you might actually have to have surgery to pull all the shame and guilt out of your lady organs?”

    Like watching a car wreck, I’m now curious as to what they teach when they preach against anal sex. Like, horrified/curious.

    • William_C_Diaz

      Its simple fun and a catchy tune to boot!

      https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j8ZF_R_j0OY

      Have a great day!

      • D_C_Wilson

        That’s more than a side hug!

        • William_C_Diaz

          ‘In’ side is also a side, you know…

          Have a great day!

      • Villago Delenda Est

        Yes, sometimes you need to think outside the box.

    • Joseph

      Oh Dear1 Momma Dugger gone need the big hook to get the wreckage out of her…

  • Logic of Color

    I swear to Cow I sometimes feel like I live in a different world from these people. It’s like some “children of the corn” shit, you know?

  • borninatrailer

    Sir Psycho Sexy did mention the demons in his semen.

  • Fitzgerald Chesterfield

    Are the surgeries performed by doctors or priests?

    • marxalot

      Not priests- preachers. Men of God. There’s a difference.

  • This give “Spare the rod, spoil the child” an entirely new meaning.

    • Silence Is Golden

      Most likely the true meaning. It most likely was lost in translation.

  • jodyleek

    So, let me get this straight…
    Ladies get the lady part cancer from jizzum.
    Therefore, ladies who stay away from jizzum won’t get lady part cancer.
    That solves it! God wants all us dames to become lesbians. Case closed!

  • starfanglednut

    “There’s more where this came from.”

    No, please. No more. I’m sick of hearing about these fucking people.

  • Fitzgerald Chesterfield

    Have we gotten to the female circumcision yet?

  • William_C_Diaz

    All they have to do is change the name of the show to ‘5 Victims and Counting’ and turn it into a program about uncovering sex abuse in fundamentalist religious denominations and how rape, incest and other sex crimes are covered up by the ‘Good Old Boys’ network of fellow believers!

    Have a great day!

    • Jaime Oria

      “Great pitch meeting, everybody! And Vera, call business affairs!”

  • Kat Anyperson

    I havent read anything that culty or kooky since Dianetics.

    Need moar kittens. And brain bleach. /shudder

    • Blank Ron

      Dianetics is at least logically consistent. So to speak.

      • Kat Anyperson

        Only if you lack any kind of background in science and are comfortable with racism, sexism, homophobia and weirdly detailed descriptions of sexual fetishes lol

        • Blank Ron

          Mmmmaybe just that last one…

  • whatwhomever

    so, according to the Duggars, Josh should be charged with attempted murder for trying to give his sisters lady cancer.

  • LarryHoudini

    Dear Wonkette: I have read your article on semen and women’s health issues, but am still unclear as to whether or not it is safe for my girlfriend to be using my semen as facial moisturizer. I have her do this nightly. Please clarify.
    Also, I have been thinking of returning to vinyl and have been out of that loop for over a decade. If you have any recommendations as to which is currently the superior audio sound system for vinyl records, I would appreciate it.
    Thanks.

    • Silence Is Golden

      Since she is not your God sanctioned wife, you may be giving her cancer of the face. You might want to keep an eye on that and watch for developing issues. Or dose her with benedryl…

      • LarryHoudini

        Thanks. What about the hifi question?

        • Silence Is Golden

          Sorry, that is not my area :)

        • BackDoorMan

          … well, there is this: http://elpj.com/ – a laser turntable for vinyl, which I first heard of years ago. Can’t vouch for the “superior”-ness of the system though – I just found the concept interesting at the time. Didn’t have a spare $10K lying around at the time (or since).

  • D_C_Wilson

    Now the vacant, blank stare that every Duggar girl has behind her forced smile makes sense. After years of being fed this bullshit, they’re completely dead inside.

    • jviscont1

      or compulsively looking over their shoulder and checking door locks.

      • Caepan

        Or sleeping with one eye open.

      • Blank Ron

        Did I not read somewhere that they weren’t allowed to have locks on their doors?
        Ye gods and little fishes, could this be why?

  • Donna Rail

    What complete bullshit. Religious homeschooling books never have anything accurate. The publishers should be sued for child neglect and endangerment.

    • SuspectedDemocrat

      As in the Duggar rape cases, the victims have asked that the whole matter be dropped.

  • SuspectedDemocrat

    I particularly like how the “flood of impulses” starts in the eyes, like a wolf in those old cartoons. AAAA-OOOOOOGGGAAA!

  • janecita

    As a Health Educator, all I want to do is give these girls a hug and sit them down for a looong lecture. How come this fucking brainwashing isn’t consider child abuse?

    • Villago Delenda Est

      The 1st Amendment does have a downside. In Europe, organized idiocy of this type has always been repressed by the state, because it’s infringing on the accepted organized idiocy. Scientology is illegal in Germany. Looks too much like a certain first half of the 20th Century political movement to them.

      • janecita

        Homeschooling is also illegal in Germany.

        • nmmagyar

          And being a Nazi. I think I want to move to Germany.

      • dshwa

        Ironically, the founding fathers thought the 1st amendment would eventually help lead to Christianity going the way of the Dodo, by keeping the government free of it.

        • Villago Delenda Est

          Another cunning plan that seems to have backfired.

  • SuspectedDemocrat

    How guilty must the young girls feel right now, knowing it’s their fault the show got cancelled?

    I need kittens. Kittens with the power to undo brainwashing. Air-dropped over the Bible Belt.

  • Beaumarchais?

    Well, a fetus is sort of a parasitic growth like cancer, but it usually cures itself in about nine months.

    • SuspectedDemocrat

      Cures? Or metastasizes outside the body?

      • anniegetyerfun

        I had both of mine surgically removed at nine months, and they just keep growing.

        • CalvinianChoice

          I plan to borrow that line.

        • Villago Delenda Est

          ‘Trix might want to consult with you, because the JERK BABY still seems to be squatting.

          • ‘Trix oughta get back to civilization & have some salad.

            P.S.: I was something like two wks. late & look how I turned out. Ha ha.

    • Vienna Woods

      “The Parasite” was the in utero NN of my first-born. That horrified many. Sadly, the condition did not cure itself for about 25 years- this spring, in fact, he stopped asking me for money.

      • H0mer0

        I thought they looked like monkeys when they were born (my mom didn’t like me calling them monkey boys unless I was invoking Hanuman, the Hindu Monkey god; she doesn’t like me swearing either.)

  • MrBlobfish

    Demon Semen is the name of my new technical death metal band.

    • Peripatetic Poltroon

      Is the lead singer named Pussy Sniffles?

      • nmmagyar

        You really need to find a woman named (or will to change his/her name to) Lilith for a band like this

        • H0mer0

          I was disappointed in CS Lewis when he described the Witch of Narnia as a descendent of Lilith (if I understood it–I don’t always get allegorical stuff

      • MrBlobfish

        It is now.

  • SterWonk

    (a) Yay, a Saved! reference! I love that movie. Sadly, I think I went to school with Hillary Fay. :-( <sigh>

    (b) WRT the whole allergen-enforced-monogamy thing, I direct you to The Moral Virologist. It’s an excellent little short story, which takes things to their logical conclusion.

    • Land Shark

      Thanks for the short story. Well, maybe …. thanks for giving me another reason to be afraid of “consumer” level DNA sequencers and “Gene Splicing for Dummies”.

  • grumblestiltskin

    “Doctors have discovered that the seed of the man is an alien substance to the woman.”

    What if the man had a green card?

  • Steverino247
    • mailman27

      Zappa! Damn…

  • nmmagyar

    So. I see we have now moved from “original lady-sin” (God gave you cramps because Eve was a slut) to you must literally get cancer to absolve the sin of Eve.

    • Blank Ron

      Pretty harsh, given that all she did was try to learn something.

      Oh, right, NOW I get it.

  • say wha

    So, are those surgeries that are performed to correct conditions that can be traced directly or indirectly to sin and guilt covered under Obamacare? Or are sin and guilt pre-existing conditions that render the surgeries exempt from coverage? Asking for a friend.

    • tomamitai

      Original sin must be a pre-existing condition since we’re born with it, if I recall my CCD classes correctly.

      • OneDemin EOr

        Yes sir you do recall correctly!

    • H0mer0

      what’s the CPT code for that procedure and do you need a referral from your primary doctor or is it under the aegis of female preventative care in Virginia?

  • advancedatheist

    I have to wonder how much of the disdain shown towards the Duggars derives from envy of their greater vitality. The future, demographically speaking, belongs to the people who show up for it. Well, guess what? The future belongs in part to Michelle Duggar’s descendants, and not to the nonexistent descendants of sterile feminist heroines like, say, Lena Dunham.

    • Kat Anyperson

      Thanks for validating my statement that you are a professional troll who changes post styles to drum up attention.

    • nmmagyar

      The disdain comes from allowing/hiding child rape. For profit.

    • MrBlobfish

      Getting someone pregnant really isn’t such a great accomplishment.

      • I would feel like I had done something pretty remarkable if I got someone pregnant, but I see your point.

    • Villago Delenda Est

      No, the disdain has to do with their authoritarian assholeishness and degradation of women in general.

      They’re also fucktards. Much like yourself.

    • MrBlobfish

      There is an advanced atheist
      Who had a very small penis
      The womyn would laugh
      When he pulled down his pants
      Uh….that’s all I got
      A little help?

      • Villago Delenda Est

        “Sir, I need to see your ticket, not your stub.”

      • mailman27

        They would say I’m from Mars you’re from Venus!

    • Dylan Black

      You may be feeling a slight tingling sensation…

      http://media.giphy.com/media/LEV1o3CPKtqRG/giphy.gif

      Don’t worry, it and your ability to comment will soon pass.

      • Hardly Ideal

        I wish I could upvote this more. Alas, I can only supplement it.

    • Whale Chowder

      …as predicted in Idiocracy!

    • Hardly Ideal

      Good to know that the world won’t have any room for my FTM friend, his darling wife, and their future adopted child.

    • Caepan

      You can wonder all you want.

      My disdain comes from the fact that the Duggars are hypocrites who protect their incestuous groping son from his actions, while bearing false witness against those who don’t share their twisted and spiteful religious beliefs.

      But hey, if you think the future belongs to the fundamentalist Christian child molesters, well that’s your business.

    • jmk

      No, cupcake. The disdain is for hypocrites and willfully ignorant assholes.

      I’m thinking that the same nitwittery that made you cite Lena Dunham also made you unaware of the rank stupidity of the phrase “feminist heroine.”

      I’m also guessing that you’re about as atheist as the Duggars you adore.

      • Blank Ron

        Atheism is an intellectual choice that comes about after a period of cognition.

        So, no.

      • Silence Is Golden

        Too bad the offending comment was deleted… Most have been a ton of asshattery…

        • jmk

          It was… indescribably stupid.

          • Silence Is Golden

            I figured, it escalated rather quickly.

        • vernon

          Censure is just lame. I want to read it now, even if it was stupid. Were the site owners afraid of a post? Or what.

  • chascates

    I think the only good thing about a communist nation is that a family like this would be sent to a labor camp.

    • Jaime Oria

      Don’tcha think Momma Duggar already feels like she’s in a labor camp?
      badump-tish !

      • Villago Delenda Est

        /rimshot

  • RangerJay

    I absolutely LOVE the Duggar swimwear choices:

    http://www.wholesomewear.com/page-4.html

    As if…

    • Hardly Ideal

      I know we like to joke that fundamentalists are a headscarf away from being indistinguishable from Islamic zealots, but I didn’t think it was this spot-on.

      Also, where’s the ghost of Annette Kellerman when you need her?

    • How can they swim in those things? I’d think the two layers of clothing would get so waterlogged they’d be pulled under.

    • JohnR

      Drowning wear?

    • Kat Anyperson

      I have 100+ year old pictures of my great great grandma wearing less than that to swim in. @_@

    • Silence Is Golden

      You would think that the slimming swimmer would be a woman’s sinful defrauding of a man. She better be clear about the consequences of wearing that sinful swimmer!

    • Vienna Woods

      Geez. The nude beach down the road would make their heads explode.

    • H0mer0

      the culotte model has herself some curvy calves
      https://youtu.be/AwUjoHx1MGU

  • JParkerSD46

    Oh, for the love of Suite Judy Blue Eyes! Just when you think this can’t get any more f-d up, this comes along. And, goodie, there’s more to come. This is so unbelievably, mind-numbingly ignorant. And in the end, you know that we’ll find out all the lovely folks at ATI have millions pictures of child porn and snuff porn and who know what other stuff stashed on their hard-drives. Wowee, wowee, wow, wow and holy motherf-ing christ on a cracker.

  • mosjef

    Bill Gothard is to stupid what Carlos Slim is to pesos.

  • docterry6973

    Great. I’m probably gonna get hand cancer.

    • mardam422

      Beat me to it… Wait, that didn’t come out right.

    • Wear a rubber. Glove.

  • darnyoudarnyoutoheck

    Great, just when the nausea was abating.

  • BigBoppa

    Huh. You’d think that some secular science guy would’ve come up with some kind of antijizztamine by now.

    • SuspectedDemocrat

      And a treatment for restless wang syndrome.

      • dshwa

        There is, but the “every sperm is sacred” crowd says that it gives you hairy palms.

  • nightmoth

    Wow, just–wow. So very snarkable, but I feel clubbed on the head after reading all of this, and just–can’t—snark.

    • VandeGraf

      [no comment]

  • Blank Ron

    Okay, hang on. God’s Law is the same thing as Traveler’s Insurance?

  • VandeGraf

    The Duggars have never been able to decide if sperm is good for you, or tastes great. So they get outside instruction.

    • nightmoth

      Tastes great, more filling!

  • Me not sure

    I’m having such huge Hastert schadenfreude that I can’t work up a good jizz joke. Can Jebus cure that for me?

  • Bitter Scribe

    Is there a natural immunity to the sperm allergy if it’s your brother’s sperm?

    • Silence Is Golden

      No, they are not married to him. They are saved by the sleep aid having an anti-histamine.

    • clever_sobriquet

      Only if they are identical twins, triplets, quads. quints… well you see where this gangbang is headed.

  • Jen_Baker_VA

    uhm….

    The miscarriage or premature birth of a child conceived in unfaithfulness can also be attributed to the stress of the cup of bitter water. This interpretation assumes that the accused WOMAN is pregnant when she is brought before the priest. If the child is the husband’s, she has no reason for guilt, and the child will live.

    I think they are saying here that their priest makes the woman drink something bitter that is potentially hazardous to the fetus, and then when she miscarries, they go see harlot!
    So basically these guys are performing abortions in their own words?

  • PigDootsMolloy

    Clown Car Vagina: Granny Panties or not?

  • Bob Harrow

    Im much better informed now…

  • Virginia Dreaming

    I am thinking the part about how women are allergic to semen explains the huge prevalence of cancer among porn stars and how women who have been raped are able to shut that stuff down?

  • Virginia Dreaming

    Also if women are allergic to semen, but men are not, does that mean god intended us all to be gay and only have hetero sex only when absolutely necessary to make babies?

    • Santana999

      Of course not. God meant us all to be sailors. That’s why ships are full of seamen…

  • guppy06

    The miscarriage or premature birth of a child conceived in
    unfaithfulness can also be attributed to the stress of the cup of bitter
    water.

    Oh hell no! If you insist on Biblical literalism, you do the goddam Biblical literalism! You go to the actual temple (good luck on that one), collect the actual dust, put it in the actual cup of water, and actually drink it. Anything less makes you a godless Muslim communist.

  • sillyclucker

    Michelle Duggar has had at least one miscarriage and premature birth. What could this mean?

    • Santana999

      JIZZ DEMONS!! Call a priest. Her lady parts must be exorcised!!

    • lynchie

      where was Josh when that conception happened? American minds want to know

  • DsMTwoShoes

    Notice the lack of network coverage concerning the Duggars?
    TLC is owned by The Discovery Channel. Which in turn is a subsidiary of NBC UNIVERSAL.
    Which is more than likely why you missed it in the NBC Evening News.
    We’re fucked, spoon fed corporate bullshit to keep us stupid and happy?

    • danielistical

      G E,,,NEWS-CORP,,,DISNEY,,,VIACOM,,,TIME WARNER,,,C B S
      ,,These are the SIX Big boys who controle everything you watch ,,hear ,,or see
      for what you think is news,,,,and as long as we are planning on breaking up the
      big banks lets take a crack at these guys too

    • Joseph

      Sorry, Americans started off stupid.

  • H0mer0

    I am assuming that in invoking Cosmopolitan Magazine, you are implying that they are slightly more peer reviewed than ATI’s “literature” ? (I know that a “real doctor” probably wrote that and I almost got a job with a researcher doing ELISA assays for that kind of research.)

  • danielistical

    Children exposed to religion have difficulty
    distinguishing fact from fiction: researchers
    By Scott Kaufman Friday, July 18, 2014
    A study published in the July issue of Cognitive Science determined
    that children who are not exposed to religious stories are better able to tell
    that characters in “fantastical stories” are fictional — whereas children
    raised in a religious environment even “approach unfamiliar, fantastical
    stories flexibly.”
    In
    “Judgments About Fact and Fiction by Children From Religious and Nonreligious
    Backgrounds,” Kathleen Corriveau, Eva Chen, and Paul Harris demonstrate that
    children typically have a “sensitivity to the implausible or magical elements
    in a narrative,” and can determine whether the characters in the narrative are
    real or fictional by references to fantastical elements within the narrative,
    such as “invisible sails” or “a sword that protects you from danger every
    time.”
    However,
    children raised in households in which religious narratives are frequently
    encountered do not treat those narratives with the same skepticism. The authors
    believed that these children would “think of them as akin to fairy tales,”
    judging “the events described in them as implausible or magical and conclude
    that the protagonists in such narratives are only pretend.”
    Religion is the biggest mental
    illness that is left untreated in human existence.
    reason why conditioning minor
    children into and superstitious/religious belief should be a felony. It is
    child abuse and destroys ability to think critically for life.

  • YouBetcha

    I’m sorry, slut shaming asswipes say what? I didn’t quite catch that, I had a dick in each ear.

  • Bren

    Hey there Michelle, now that the TLC gravy train has come off the rails, how about lending your vagina to the 2016 Presidential candidates? Looks like they’re going to need a much bigger clown car than the one they had in 2012.

  • Last Hussar

    To be fair to them women who have more sexual partners are more likely to come into contact with the HPV virus that causes 7 out of 10 cervical cancers, so its easy to get confused – more jizz=more cancer.

    In the UK all 13 year old girls are offered the vaccine that is effective against the most commonly causing strains (but not all of them). Obviously the right wingers over here went crazy, because obviously giving a vaccine to protect against sexually transmitted viruses means you expect all the 13 year old girls to start whoring themselves out.

    I know a few years back that scientists were looking at an inverse relationship between sex and breast cancer. I understand they started when it was spotted nuns have low rates of cervical cancer but high rates of breast cancer.

  • kfreed

    Oh yeah, kids. it gets ever so much worse… you’re not even close to scooping the turd out of the punch bowl.

  • Lizernst

    Goddamn! if the threat of cancer isn’t enough to keep a young lady from being the town whore, I don’t know what is!

  • Joseph

    Does this mean my lovely and sexy bride of 50 years is going to get face, throat, mouth, ear, navel, hand, boob and butt cancer? We never did get the stains out of her prom dress or the cement around the pool and the upholstery in front and the back and the headliner of the Chevy has never been the same. Not to mention the paint on the hood, boot and roof has sort of gone bad.

    Oh, woe is me!

  • DoverBill

    Anyone – other than a Duggar – ever wanted to do it with a duck of your choice?

  • Well, to be fair, human papillomavirus, which causes cervical cancer, is transmitted sexually in semen… Of course, these yahoos probably oppose the use of the HPV vaccine.

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