Bernie Sanders Will Officially Socialize You, America, From The White House

Rejoice, Liberal-Americansians, for Vermont Sen. Bernie Sanders (Socialist and proud of it!) officially declared on Tuesday that he is running to be president of U.S. America. Awwwwww yeah! And lest you think Sanders is just some silly vanity candidate -- like, for example, every single Republican in the race or pretending to maybe be planning to get into the race to boost ratings or sell books -- nope, he is dead serious about this, and he's already raised millions of dollars since announcing in April that he is seeking the Democratic nomination.

At a rally in Burlington, Vermont, the city of which he was once mayor before he became the state's lone congressman and then a senator, Sanders was introduced by such liberal luminaries as environmentalist Bill McKibben, who quoted Woody Guthrie and said "this land belongs to you and me," not the stinkin' billionaire Koch brothers, as well as Ben Cohen and Jerry Greenfield, aka Ben & Jerry's, so yeah, it was basically your DREAM presidential announcement, from your DREAM presidential candidate (if you can't have Elizabeth Warren, which you cannot, shut up already, it's not going to happen).

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And then Sanders explained why he is running:

"We begin a political revolution to transform our country economically, politically, socially, and environmentally. Today we stand here and say loudly and clearly, Enough is enough. This great nation and its government belong to all of the people, and not to a handful of billionaires.

On his website, Sanders describes his three main campaign issues, and none of them are about whether he'd go to a gay wedding or which countries he will bomb to smithereens. Nah, he is all about income inequality, breaking up the big banks, and saving the environment from the "planetary crisis" that is climate change.

"American democracy is not about billionaires being able to buy candidates and buy elections," he said during his speech. He reminded his audience that the Koch brothers intend to spend more on the election than the Democratic or Republican parties and that, Sanders said, "is not democracy, that is oligarchy."

As for climate change? Duh:

The debate is over. The scientific community has spoken in a virtuously unanimous voice. Climate change is real, it is caused by human activity, and it is already causing devastating problems in our country and around the world.

He called for a massive federal jobs program, a huge investment in infrastructure, equal pay for women, expanding Social Security benefits, and universal single-payer healthcare. And of course Sanders has already been speaking about his plan to tax the bejesus out of Wall Street so everyone can get a college education for free. 

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You want more? There is more. He will also play nice with the other countries, to defeat terrorism through diplomacy instead of doing war to everyone all the time. And, he reminded his audience (cough cough), he voted against the Iraq War because he knew at the time that it was bad and wrong, AHEM.

You can read all of his words, which will make you liberals liberal-swoon and then swoon some more. Sanders is hitting the road and heading to the early primary states, just like any other presidential candidate, but without ginormous corporate super PAC sponsorship, and he is going to have a civilized debate with the other Democratic candidates, like a grown-up, what a novel idea!

In conclusion, vote Bernie Sanders, for socialized healthcare, killing the banks with fire, making the government give everyone free stuff, saving the middle class and the planet, and a pint of Ben & Jerry's in every freezer.

[ BernieSanders.com ]