Guy needs a monocle and a Persian cat

The last time we checked in on Maricopa County Sheriff Joe Arpaio, he was having a terrible horrible no-good very bad day: He was facing a contempt of court charge for ignoring federal court orders telling him to stop racial profiling, and the judge in his case wasn’t very happy with him because Arpaio had sent a private investigator after the judge’s wife. But now Sheriff Joe is fighting back! He’s sent out an email appealing for help from patriotic conservaloons all over the nation, and he’s also asking for a new judge in his contempt case, because obviously that guy whose wife he investigated is biased. Yes, that’s the sort of logic that makes Joe Arpaio Joe Arpaio.

You sort of have to admire Sheriff Joe’s chootzpah in requesting a new judge. As we reported last time, Arpaio admitted in April that his attorney had sent a P.I. after the wife of U.S. District Court Judge G. Murray Snow, but he had a very good reason for doing that: the Sheriff’s office had received a tip that Snow’s wife had said something about her intention to keep Arpaio from being reelected, making her a political enemy who had to be looked into. And in fact, Arpaio told Snow in that April hearing that the investigator confirmed with the tipster that Snow’s wife had indeed made comments to that effect.

So now, with the inevitable logic of the guy who shoots his parents and then pleads for leniency because he’s an orphan, Arpaio’s attorneys filed a motion Friday asking for Snow to be taken off the contempt case, because now the judge is personally involved in Arpaio’s legal troubles:

“No reasonable person with knowledge of the facts can deny that Judge Snow is now investigating and presiding over issues involving his own family,” Arpaio’s lawyers wrote in the filing.

This should be fun, and possibly precedent setting, since defendants could start claiming that they need a new judge whenever they behave badly enough to piss off the judge presiding over their case.

Arpaio’s apparently not winning Snow over in the contempt case, which stems from Arapio’s very public refusal to comply with Snow’s 2011 order to stop systematically harassing Latinos in traffic stops and immigration roundups. Arpaio had been quite open about his plans to keep going after illegal immigrants, because that’s good for reelection, even if it means ignoring other crimes, but in an April hearing, he told Snow he was really sorry, for reals:

“I want to apologize to the judge,” Arpaio said last month. “I should have known more about these court orders that slipped through the cracks.”

But apparently contrition doesn’t sit so well with Arpaio; in a fundraising email sent out Thursday, Arpaio portrayed himself as a victim of Big Latino, saying that “in the daily exercise of doing my job I am often targeted by groups that file legal actions against me for a variety of reasons.” And gosh darn it, his enemies just keep trying to ensnare him simply for keeping Maricopa County safe from all the brown people, which is why he needs your help:

In some instances I have to personally pay for attorneys to represent me in these cases. I do not have the personal wealth or the wherewithal to keep up with the costly demands of paying for attorneys to defend me.

He reminds readers, repeatedly, that since this is a legal defense fund and not a campaign fund, they should feel free to donate as much as they want, because there’s no limit as there would be for a political contribution. And by golly, he pledges to prevail:

I’m going to keep fighting for what I know is right. I took an oath to protect and defend the US constitution and I will keep that oath until my last breath.

But just to help him keep breathing, could you cough up some bucks? He keeps pissing off these judges who then hate him.


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  • Incoming Ham

    Has our Joe turned from a Maker to a Taker? Say it isn’t so!

    • FauxAntocles

      Just as every cop is a criminal…

      • one_who_wanders

        And all the sinners, saints

        Especially here in Wonkette-land.

  • cousin itt

    Somewhere in hell, Dick Nixon smiles.

  • JohnBull

    Anyone donating to Joe’s GoFuckMe site?

  • Viva La Tabula Raza

    I do not have the personal wealth or the wherewithal to keep up with the costly demands of paying for attorneys to defend me.
    Don’t do the crime if you can’t do the time.

    • Blank Ron

      That his victims say the exact same thing about him is irony that he will never, ever be aware of.

    • Hmm… I guess the Maricopa County Attorney’s office told him “nope, sorry, you’re on your own for this one.” Fiscal responsibility and all that stuff, you know.

    • Ryan Denniston

      No kidding. It’s like a bully who can’t take a punch. There’s a lot of that on the Right these days. The true victims are white, white-collar men and such.

    • Villago Delenda Est

      You can’t do a crime on the public’s dime, Joe.

    • Reddishrabbit

      And yet he can afford a private dick to investigate the judges wife.

    • bozilingus

      “Don’t do the crime if you can’t do the fine.”


  • Me not sure

    Please just wander off into the desert and disappear like Clint Eastwood did at the end of “High Plains Drifter”.

    • Spotts1701

      Yup. We can call it “High Plains Grifter”.

    • Nounverb911

      He can always go to Alaska and borrow one of Palin’s ice floes…

    • MrBlobfish

      The fine folks of Maricopa County would be better served with Mordecai as sheriff.

    • bozilingus

      Did someone paint out the county name on the border sign and write in “HELL” in big red letters yet?

      • marxalot

        You know, that’s an idea for a summer project.

  • ThePuckStopsHere

    What’s this guy need money for? He’s got clothes to wear–a pink jail jumpsuit, food to eat–$.50/day thanks to the county, and shelter–a great big comfy cot with a roof (tent) over his head right there in the desert. Imma gonna donate my spare buckos to those in need, namely, our beloved wonket.

  • alwayspunkindrublic

    In Arizona, we grow fucksticks like this hydroponically, then export them to places that have a shortage. It’s the only growth industry in the state.

  • Blank Ron

    Is the Sheriff of Nottingham Maricopa trying to look threatening there? Because all it’s doing is making me laugh.

    • Gristle McThornbody

      Yeah, that got me, too. Chubby old guy with glasses and dentures and liver spots trying to look tough. I can make a fist too, but it would only hurt my adversaries if they choked on their tongues from laughing.

  • Nounverb911

    How do I donate a pink jumpsuit for Joe to wear in prison?

    • dshwa

      Needz moar glitter.

  • AntiDerpomeme

    Jesus, why are these “tough,” “law and order,” conservaloon types the whiniest fucks on the planet?

    • alwayspunkindrublic

      Joe’s so tough he loves parking in handicap spaces just to prove what a badass he is. I’m not kidding.

      • jmk

        He don’t need no stinkin’ rules…

    • Sam Hain

      Maybe we could ask “Supreme” court justice Thomas, he can tell us all about recusing himself from issues that his wife is/was personally involved in BEFORE the hearing even started.

  • alwayspunkindrublic

    If you have a serious criminal bent, hey, welcome to AZ. Ar-puto is too busy rounding up landscapers and hotel maids to worry much about rapists and murderers.

    • Nounverb911

      When do the Duggars move there?

      • alwayspunkindrublic

        Sheriff Joe would be the first to welcome them. He can’t resist fellow attention whores.

  • Tallmutha

    Dinesh D’Souza could take Impress the Judge lessons from this guy.

  • weejee

    patriotic conservaloons™ Wonket, Inc.

    Generally speaking they don’t have many spare Ameros, but for Kickstart purposes there are so many…

  • Orange is the New Pasty White

  • Tallmutha

    A friend of mine has done several paintings with Sheriff Joe’s head in them. My favorite has his head mounted on the acrobatic body of the artist’s five-year-old daughter, but it’s not online. Here’s one:

    • MrBlobfish

      Can I get that on a cake?

      • Tallmutha

        It’s against my beliefs!

    • VirginiaLady

      That is so sweet! I can see the family resemblance. Is Blobfish the mom?

  • cousin itt

    In all fairness, Joe has always been a mean girl.

  • Spotts1701

    Joe, it’s hearing the lamentations of their women. We don’t need to hear your lamentations.

  • Ryan Denniston

    Boy what I’d give to have this guy jailed for something in his own county. Can we haz GoFundMe for that?

  • schmannity

    Will someone bake him a gay cake with a file in it for his contempt incarceration?

    • weejee

      Something made with pride.

    • Doug Langley

      Your wish is my command . . .

  • JustPixelz

    Obviously running for VPOTUS nomination.

  • JohnR

    FFS self reliant types asking for handouts like that oath keeper tool sheriff Mack from Bundystan. There seems to be a high percentage of fuck nuts in the sheriffing business.

  • Walter Wellstone

    Well, Joe, being a professional asshole ain’t cheap. You gotta be ready to pay up, motherfucker.

  • GDleftyPart2

    ‘Mericas Toughest Sheriff is goin’ a moochin’.
    Maybe he’s onto something, he should start an account to help me, a Maricopa County taxpayer, pay his wrongful death suits…

  • SK

    If he thinks that Judge Snow is making his life difficult, wait till the Wal-Mart tunnel reaches Maricopa from Tejas. Then it’s is all Jade Helm…16!

  • Jen_Baker_VA

    I do not have ………. the wherewithal to keep ………paying for …….me.
    FTFY Joe Boy :* You are welcome.

    • Treg Brown

      Just a reminder Joe…

      • Alex Grey

        Thanks for that image, it will go into my derp archives…

  • calliecallie

    “a victim of Big Latino…” That gets me hot.

    • one_who_wanders

      Video or it didn’t happen.

  • Angry_Cop

    “In some instances I have to personally pay for attorneys to represent me in these cases. I do not have the personal wealth or the wherewithal to keep up with the costly demands of paying for attorneys to defend me.”

    That swooshing noise you just heard was all the good attorneys in AZ taking Arpaio off “the list”. Lawyers don’t give a shit about what you’ve done; they give a shit about getting paid. The End.

  • bozilingus

    What is it about conservatives that they have a fit paying taxes that “promote the general welfare” but are willing to give their last dollar in support of some of the stupidest conservative causes. (smh)

    • david green

      It does say something about the depth of their intellect. OTOH, it sucks up dollars that might otherwise be used much more effectively against normal people.

  • Dudleydidwrong

    The court order just “fell through the crack” Sheriff Joe said? Well, let’s send Sheriff Joe to prison where he may well find something else slipping through his crack.

    • bozilingus

      While he is in there he may “choose to be gay”,

  • Callyson

    “I want to apologize to the judge,” Arpaio said last month. “I should have known more about these court orders that slipped through the cracks.”

    Say, you know what else slipped through the cracks?

    • dshwa

      Josh Duggar?

    • mtn_philosoph

      Half of Nepal?

      What, too soon?

  • marxalot

    Paranoid lather, grift, repeat.

  • Biel_ze_Bubba

    “I will keep that oath until my last breath.”


  • TheBidenator

    Hey Sheriff Joe, I have a suggestion for you: If you can’t afford to keep paying attorneys to represent you in the myriad of cases brought against you, STOP BREAKING THE FUCKING LAW, MORAN. This advice is free of charge….

    • zerosumgame0005

      you are really a dreamer aren’t you?

  • exinkwretch

    How about a Kickstarter to fund a Justice Department that would sack up and throw this sumbitch in federal prison where he belongs?

  • Joshua Norton

    I took an oath to protect and defend the US constitution and I will keep that oath until my last breath.

    Wingnuts “defend” the Constitution like they “read” the bible. Just the parts that already agree with their personal prejudices are carved in stone. Everything else is open to a constantly changing interpretation.

    • CriticalDragon1177

      Yeah I mean, why should “good Christians” be able to impose their religion on everyone else, in spite of the first amendment?

      • Charles Wolf

        Beware of Xtians who turn the Second Amendment into the First Commandment.

  • CriticalDragon1177

    Sounds like Joe is desperately trying to avoid the consequences of breaking the law. I guess he can dish it out, but not take it.

    • david green

      Just had a mental picture of Sheriff Joe in pink underwear. And now I’m going to leave the computer and pluck out my mind’s eye.

  • Zippy

    the conspiracy that shurf joe’s “investigator” cooked up is something to behold…

    • alwayspunkindrublic

      His “investigative team” is now working hand in hand with The Donald’s to reveal the truth about Oblahma’s birth certificate. We should have word any decade now.

  • It’s a good thing Sheriff Arpaio isn’t black, or his supporters would remember that simply being accused of wrongdoing makes one a criminal thug.

  • Kgprophet

    This is some Reality Show, right? Or Sitcom? Certainly this seems like something for Judge Judy. I can’t wait…

  • whitroth

    Oh, cool. But I’m afraid he doesn’t have a leg to stand on, complaining that the judge’s wife wants to work against his reelection. I mean, since (in)Justice Clarence Thomas’ wife was documented as working for the Bush transition team the week that Thomas was deciding, and not recusing himself, on Bush vs. Gore… I think Arpaio sort of looses….


  • Jim Hughes

    To use his own reasoning, he stands accused and so MUST be guilty. DONE. Next case… (Karma’s a bitch)

  • Alex Grey


  • katahdin

    To add to the fun, Joe has already had one judge recused from this same case, so he probably won’t be allowed to do it again.
    That judge was a scary wise Latina, so she was totally unqualified to judge The Great White Hero.

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