SHARE

This image has not been altered in any way. Ick.

As a supplement to Yr Editrix’s Sunday column on the “counseling” recommended by the Duggar family’s homeschooling guru, we thought we’d take a look back at some other homeschooling wisdom regarding sex education for good little Christian children. Throughout all of it runs this weird notion of “purity”: sex is dirty and nasty and sinful except when it’s done by a man and a woman joined together by God, in which case it is a wonderful blessed thing that results in lots of Christian babies. No wonder fundamentalists are all obsessed with who’s putting their naughtybits where. And so we get creepy stuff like “purity balls,” where teen girls go to a prom with their dads and promise to stay virgins until they’re married, and they get all dressed up like Purity Tarts, and there is nothing creepy about it at all.

Christianist life is just one glorious medley of patriarchal authority and mixed messages, and so we’d like to review a few lessons gleaned from the pages of one of the more insane fundamentalist sex ed books out there, Sex, Love, & Romance: Sex Education from the Bible (1989), from the those fun-loving scamps at A Beka Book, the publishing arm of Pensacola Christian College, the little college that’s so strictly fundamentalist that they might consider Bob Jones University a nest of liberal backsliders. The book was written by a paragon of moral instruction named — we are not making this up — Pastor Hugh F. Pyle. You there, in the back, stop snickering. We should note that while the Duggar children got their brains warped by a different curriculum — materials from Bill Gothard’s “Advanced Training Institute” (ATI), whose many weirdnesses are documented at Recovering Grace — this little book by Hugh Pyle comes from a similar stew of patriarchal, shame-based purity nonsense.

The premise of Sex, Love & Romance is quite simple: the only book you really need to understand is the Bible, but since you were fool enough to go looking for a book about Christian sex ed, here’s a bunch of sex lessons from the Good Book, and they are mostly about NO SEX. Says Pyle in his foreword:

It has been my conviction that if a child is brought up on the Bible, and, if he consistently reads the Word of God as a young person, he will have all the sex education he needs. Why not let God teach our children about sex? Since the fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom, the warnings of Scripture about impurity and loose living will do much to prevent the sincere young person from playing with forbidden fruit.

This is a book that aims to lecture the wickedness out of young people; it proudly announces that it contains no “how-to” or “human anatomy” lessons such as might be found in other books. Rather,

This book is for teens who are beginning to form their moral values and who need to know what is right and what is wrong in the area of sexual relationships and what the consequences of their actions will be.

Hugh Pyle seems vaguely disgusted by the fact that he even has to write about sex at all — shouldn’t you little pervs just go read the Bible? Ultimately, you’ll figure it all out on your wedding night:

Sex is holy and beautiful because God invented it. God wrote everything that we need to know about it, and, regarding the details of married love, you can wait until later to find out about that. The Word of God has much to say about sex and gives the finest sex education in the world.

“Male and female created he them” (Gen. 1:27). In the arrangement of God it takes two people — male and female — for a new life to be produced. They come together in the intimacy of marriage, just as the Creator planned it, and the result is a precious little new boy or girl in the home. This is what it means when “Adam knew his wife.”

Just don’t expect any details from Hugh Pyle, because he has some sinning to prevent, and even a description of what happens between married people might be too much for the young reader to be exposed to. It’s beautiful, but best not to think about at all.

Needless to say, Hugh Pyle is against dancing, since it’s suggestive of the practices of “Pagan natives around heathen campfires,” and the modern rock music incites young folk to “dance in such a lewd and provocative manner that the flesh (sex lust) is aroused. They sway and writhe in front of each other in lustful movements.” In fact, were it up to Pyle, high schools would sponsor a nice sit-down dinner with no dancing instead of a prom, so as to prevent all the lust that is generated by dancing, not to mention the drinking and carrying on that so often follows.

Just as the obscene “counseling” materials from ATI blame sexual abuse on such pernicious influences as child victims’ being seen naked in the bath, Hugh Pyle warns that God is not at all happy with nakedness:

God has a lot to say about nakedness. In Leviticus 18, the whole chapter deals with nakedness. He emphasizes again and again the danger of being careless about covering up. He plainly declares that we are not to uncover the nakedness of “any that is near of kin.”

Nothing but evil and ruination can come from immodesty, and Pyle also warns his young readers that women who dress too provocatively will not only “bring shame and criticism to the Christian cause,” they may also be the cause of their own sexual assault — for this one, he doesn’t even bother with a Bible verse, but instead just goes with good old Florida preacher common sense:

They may also cause men to lust after them with evil thoughts. Many a woman or girl who has been assaulted [raped] or beaten and abused by some evil man has at least been partly to blame if she was dressed in such an immodest way as to cause temptation.

And where is the warning to boys not to let themselves be overcome by lust? Hahaha, you are very naïve if you think Pyle included anything like that!

And when it comes to the worstest sins of all, fornication and homosexuality, Pyle has a simple solution: Don’t even talk about it, and it simply won’t happen:

Fornication is not to be even once mentioned among the saints of God. For what people talk about, they think about, and what they think about, they are more easily tempted to do. In other words, no Christian should ever get involved in sex lust or sexual involvement before marriage, and it should not even be discussed…

Fornication is not to be once named (or considered) among God`s children. It is filthy and along with it goes other kinds of filthiness (Eph. 5:3-5). People who look at that which is filthy, tell dirty jokes, or listen to filthy music will soon be filthy and will be engaged in the terrible sin of fornication.

“No whoremonger nor unclean person has any inheritance in the kingdom of heaven.” People who do such things testify that they are in darkness, but Christians are the children of light. We are not to have fellowship with the unfruitful works of darkness, and it is a shame to even speak of the things that are done by such people (Eph. 5:5-12). There are some things that we should not even discuss with others.

Not surprisingly, there’s nothing in Sex, Love and Romance about child sexual abuse or how to counsel its victims, because it’s just not anything that Christians need to think about. In fact, says Pyle, the quest for purity is largely a matter of policing one’s own thoughts:

God knows our thoughts. We must guard our thoughts if we would remain sexually pure. What do you think about when your mind is in neutral? If a person truly repents of sin, that person will have to forsake evil thoughts to receive God’s blessing every day. […]

So do not let your thoughts dwell on that which will create lust. Lust is the slimy serpent that will lead down the path of sin and death.

Read good books. Pray about all things, particularly as you begin your day. Make much of your Bible, and dwell upon its wonderful promises. Listen to wholesome and good music, and discipline those pleasure hours.

So to keep those slimy serpents away, you only need to read the Bible, pray, and make sure you only think of good wholesome things. And if you do fall prey to lust, remember that you’re forgiven, and you’ll probably be cured by being sent to help a friend of the family remodel their house, Amen.

$
Donate with CCDonate with CC
  • Msgr_Moment

    Fornication is not to be even once mentioned among the saints of God. For what people talk about, they think about, and what they think about, they are more easily tempted to do.

    Which is why “the love that dare not speak its name” was never a problem before Stonewall.

  • Thatsit Fortheotherwon

    Pyle’s a brave man, I’ll give him that much. You stick your neck up this far above the ramparts and somebody’s gonna take a shot.

    Because if he’s not diddling somebody’s teenage daughter, I’ll eat my crusty old helmet.

    • OzoneTom

      I would thing that with a name like that he would not want to attract any additional attention.

  • schmannity

    TL,DR. Got everything I needed from Hugh Pyle. Any relation to Hugh E. Rexshun?

    • Thatsit Fortheotherwon

      Met his sister, Emmerson Biggins?

      • mailman27

        Let’s not forget Hugh Jass.

        • Thatsit Fortheotherwon

          Nor Haywood Jablome.

          • Mehmeisterjr

            Nor Clint Torrus.

      • topjob66t

        Has anyone seen Mike Hunt?

    • Darkrose

      I don’t know, but I do have a gweat fweind in Wome named Biggus Dickus.

    • elviouslyqueer

      That’s Imogene Azengraber’s brother, if you must know.

    • bozilingus

      I see we have some cunning linguists amongst us.

  • MrBlobfish

    I just left a Huge F’ing Pile in the men’s room.

    • schmannity

      Flush and light a match!

      • MrBlobfish

        I have no regrets.

  • Me not sure

    I don’t know about you, but “tender tutor” sounds a little dirty to me.

    • MrBlobfish

      Keep those hands above the equator, there, fella.

      • memzilla

        Give them too much latitude and they’ll get pregnant, then you have to meridian off.

        • Thatsit Fortheotherwon

          Poles… Something about poles…

          • Me not sure

            Did they spell tooter right?

          • Mehmeisterjr

            For heaven’s sake, don’t get into a longitude-measuring contest.

        • mtn_philosoph

          Here be dragons.

          Keep well away from terra periclosa.

  • MrBlobfish

    Is there nothing the Bible can teach us?

    • Thatsit Fortheotherwon

      More or less nothing worth reading.

      Wasn’t there a Native American lady in Sometimes a Great Notion who had a better use for it?

      • dshwa

        As a militant atheist, and having read it cover to cover, I have to concede there are a few useful things in there, maybe about a dozen “A time for every purpose under Heaven,” and the Apple story if taken metaphorically (if you remember the snake is a liar), and some good stuff about the dangers of greed in Proverbs. Outside of that and a few things Jesus said (and almost nothing Paul said in any of his letters) the other 95% is crap from a spiritual perspective.

        • Blank Ron

          Funny how ‘militant atheists’ seem to be the only sort of people who HAVE read the thing cover-to-cover.

          But where is the Apple story? I’ve read the thing too and I don’t recall Jobs or Wozniak ever being mentioned by name.

        • PubOption

          The fundies seem to ignore the bit about getting wisdom and understanding (also proverbs?).

    • Msgr_Moment

      Yes! If the boss’ wife tries to get you to lay down with her and you go running away, for Christ sake, don’t leave your cloak behind.

    • Blank Ron

      I tried to part Lake Erie once so I could visit friends in Ohio, but in the end I just annoyed a couple of freighter captains from Escanaba, Michigan.

      • mtn_philosoph

        Funny, I’ve been in all five Great Lakes and I lived in the region for a significant part of my life. I have never heard of anyone ever crossing any of them shore to shore and across either the international border in four of them or the state border in the fifth. I find that kind of odd because at least a couple of the crossings wouldn’t really take all that long.

        • Blank Ron

          The Peace Bridge doesn’t even cross a lake – it’s located at the entrance to the Niagara River.
          I know what you mean about the crossing, too. I used to live in Sarnia, and under the Blue Water Bridge the St Clair River is so narrow you can throw a football across. There’s even people swimming in the river there in summer, and a few rather daring/stupid people ice fishing in winter. Even James O’Keefe could cross there.

          • mtn_philosoph

            My mistake. I thought that the Peace Bridge was actually located slightly before (or south of) the entrance to the Niagara River. I lived in the Buffalo area for awhile when I was growing up, and graduated high school there.

          • Blank Ron

            It’s mostly academic, I think, so no worries. The bridge was located so as to connect the Fort Erie/Buffalo downtown cores as directly as possible with no reference to what was being crossed.
            I was always taught that the river begins around the site of Old Fort Erie, but lake Erie narrows so gradually there that it’s probably just a matter of taste where you put the line.

    • Jen_Baker_VA

      I quite like the stuff that is all about loving thy neighbor and feeding the poor and being a good person :) The rest? Well, there is some really raunchy symbolism in some of the psalms *waggles brows*…..

    • Mehmeisterjr

      It’s one true and only automobile repair manual you will ever need. Now stop thinking impure thoughts about cam shafts and tire inflation.

      • PubOption

        Heathen bikers seem to manage with Buddhist texts.

  • JustPixelz

    “purity balls,” where teen girls go to a prom with their dads and promise to stay virgins until they’re married,

    I’m not sure a little dancing will get their dads to marry someone.

  • JustPixelz

    In the picture, the girl is wearing pants and Jesus is wearing a dress. I’m getting a mixed message.

    • Thatsit Fortheotherwon

      Pretty clear to me. She’s askin’ for it.

      • Mehmeisterjr

        The bare arms. The red hair. The pouty red lips. The poor guy is bound to give in to temptation.

  • Iron Monkey

    “Tender Tutor” sounds like the title of a late night Skinemax movie with Shannon Tweed.

    • Me not sure

      I’m assuming Iron Monkey would know.

    • Mehmeisterjr

      Why can’t life be more like a late night Skinemax movie with Shannon Tweed? Come to think of it, why can’t life be anything at all like a late night Skinemax movie with Shannon Tweed? [Deep, resigned sigh.]

  • MrBlobfish

    Let us dance the dance
    The dance from which all dances come

    • Me not sure

      The polka?

    • FNMA

      The Hokey Pokey?

      • Me not sure

        That’s what it’s all about.

      • Anarchy Pony

        Heh, pokey…

      • FlownOver

        ?”You put your **** **** in, you take your **** **** out…”

  • JustPixelz

    “Why not let God teach our children about sex?”

    a) Lot and his daughters
    b) “Adam knew his wife”
    c) Lot and his daughters

    • Blank Ron

      Ezekiel 23:19-20

    • dshwa

      Song of Solomon. All of it.

      • Blank Ron

        I was told that the Song of Solomon is a metaphor for the love Christ has for his Church. His hot, passionate, love for the quivering, eager-yet-uncertain Church awaiting the touch of His holy, questing fingers… wow, did the A/C just switch off in here?

        • dshwa

          I’ve heard that too from some fundies. I just looked at them and laughed.

  • VandeGraf

    In the picture that Italian-looking guy dressed like some medieval Arab is groping that blonde! Sure hope she carries pepper spray!

    • That_got_me_thinking

      She has only herself to blame. Such a wanton showing of elbows is bound to cause men to lust with evil thoughts. It’s true. Hugh F Pyle of shite said so.

  • Joseph

    The picture at the top prety acurately describes visually what parents should be telling their kids. In an isolated place a man in a dress approaches them and starts touching them and wants to be their special friend. RUN! If he has a bible, run faster. He is determined.

  • FNMA

    Fornication? Filthy?
    Well, yeah, if you’re doing it right…

    • memzilla

      “What do you think of all this sex on TV?”
      “I think it’s damned uncomfortable.”

      • Blank Ron

        I blame the death of the console model Electrohome.

      • Mehmeisterjr

        It was ruined when they put that penguin on the telly-vision.

        • Blank Ron

          It does look fairly butch.

  • DsMTwoShoes

    How could Josh have gone wrong with these teachings?
    Or, just maybe Mom was “more” than a simple “teacher”? Wouldn’t be the first time a teacher was tempted by a student. And that the teacher and student developed something more than an academic relationship?
    The Duggar Plot thickens!
    Let us now sit back and watch with amazement on how Huckabee spins this one.

  • Me not sure

    Why do I get the feeling that if a guy that looked like that were found touching one of their daughters, he would be shot on sight?

  • memzilla

    O/T, but speaking of pretentious self-serving asshats, our new Stupidest Man On The Internet, Chuck C. Johnson, has had his Twitter account suspended. Truly, this is a frabjous day, callou callay!

    • Me not sure

      He’ll just have to self-tweet for a while. I recommend Astro-Glide.

      • Mehmeisterjr

        In his case, he’d be better off using Asshat-Glide.

    • Thatsit Fortheotherwon

      Just by coincidence, I call my Johnson “Chucky Cheese” as well!

    • Blank Ron

      Sounds like he’s really been working to keep his title for 2015.

  • proudgrampa

    “Hugh Pyle???” Crap, now I gotta get a new keyboard.

    • Thatsit Fortheotherwon

      He was born burning and itching to write.

      • Mehmeisterjr

        Nothing could stop up his inspiration.

      • BackDoorMan

        … and the Preparation H8 doesn’t help.

    • PubOption

      He certainly wouldn’t be comfortable with buttsechs.

  • Skwerl King

    So how often do you think this Pyle guy wanks in his van outside the Catholic high school?

    • Me not sure

      School’s out for summer, so only twice a day.

  • “The book was written by a paragon of moral instruction named — we are not making this up — Pastor Hugh F. Pyle.”

    Perfect segue for me to promote my new book:

    “How Poor People of Color Control the Nations Wealth” a glimpse into the economic unfairness faced by wealthy, white, Christian men.

    • Anarchy Pony

      They do it by not letting the wealthy white christian men own all of it.

      • Jen_Baker_VA

        Next time, let us know there’s a spoiler, shesh

  • cousin itt

    Don’t hate the sin, make sweet love with the sinner.

    • Thatsit Fortheotherwon

      Best advice evah!

    • Mehmeisterjr

      I’m not making sweet love to Hugh F. Pyle, I don’t care what the Bible says.

  • Lance Thrustwell

    “For what people talk about, they think about, and what they think about, they are more easily tempted to do…”

    Following this logic, there should be no police, judges, counselors or detectives, just to name a few suspect professions.

    • Jen_Baker_VA

      Or pastors, to name another

    • Mehmeisterjr

      I’m not talking about sex right now and I’m not thinking about sex either. Wait a minute, now I am. Damn you, Satan! On the plus side, it gives me a free get-out-of-rape-charges card. What do you mean, not outside of Arkansas?

    • PsycWench

      In fact, this logic would lead one to avoid the Bible at all cost.

      • Blank Ron

        But I’m only halfway through ‘Bible Stories For You To Colour’!

  • JohnnyZhivago2

    If God wanted us to be naked why do you think Adam and Eve were born with clothes on?

  • Treg Brown

    Which chapter explains to clitoris?

    • Skwerl King

      I think it’s somewhere in the part where it explains Godly rape.

    • Thatsit Fortheotherwon

      It’s in the part about the burning bush.

      • cousin itt

        Need a healing creme?

  • JohnnyZhivago2

    I thought Purity Balls were something the wife added to the laundry to make the towels softer?

    • Thatsit Fortheotherwon

      It’s what I had until I was about 17.

    • Me not sure

      Purity balls? Are they anything like chastity fucks?

    • Mehmeisterjr

      It’s a nice way of saying [stage whisper] Blue Balls.

    • Good_Gawd_Yall

      Purity Balls sounds like a name in a Mel Brooks movie. Madeline Kahn would play her.

      • bozilingus

        Or a James Bond girl. (Or maybe guy?)

  • thebeatgoeson

    OK – I’ll take all the slimy serpents for the team! It was a long, dull marriage.

    • cousin itt

      We got your back.

      And wherever else you like it.

  • PsycWench

    “Sex is holy and beautiful because God invented it.”
    Seems like the same logic would work for pooping.

    • Blank Ron

      Well, there HAVE been times…

    • w9anthimos

      Holy shit!

    • TheBidenator

      It does and it’s why our own brand doesn’t stink to us but every other person’s does: it’s our own special shitflake….

    • nightmoth

      Ahem–reminds me of Walt Whitman:

      “I keep as delicate around the bowels as around the head and heart,—
      I believe in the flesh and the appetites,—
      Divine am I inside and out, and I make holy whatever I touch or
      am touched from,
      The scent of these arm pits aroma finer than prayer,
      This head more than churches, bibles, and all the creeds.”

    • Come here a minute

      Everybody fooks.

  • Mehmeisterjr

    “[T]hey get all dressed up like Purity Tarts….”

    Dammit, enough with the anti-gay bakeries!

  • “God knows our thoughts”

    That sucks, I’ve been masturbating in the bathroom this whole time so he wouldn’t see me.

  • Spotts1701

    Having a celibate pastor write about sex ed makes as much sense as having a member of PETA write a guide to cooking steaks.

    • Blank Ron

      If that’s the way he really thinks (and knowing these turdblossoms, there’s a better-than-even chance he’s violated every rule he lays down at least twice) it would explain why no woman will get within 20 yards of him except under duress.

    • Mehmeisterjr

      The first rule about cooking steaks is to never once think about steaks or cooking.

    • Celtic_Gnome

      Sixth grade. St. Paul’s School. Boys in one room and girls in another for The Talk from a professional virgin in a penguin suit. I don’t know what they told the girls, but the boys’ talk boiled down to: No girl would ever do that unless a boy forced her.

  • SnarkOff

    This is fucked up, yo.

  • mellowjohn
  • elviouslyqueer

    “Tender Tutor” Jeebus looks just like Kenny Loggins, y’all.

    This explains so, so very much.

    • Randy Riddle

      Danger Zone libelz!

    • PubOption

      I thought that he was a thinner version of Demis Roussos.

  • Silence Is Golden

    I’m guessing he’s never read some of the books of Psalms….

    • jmk

      Everything else in the Bible is to be taken absolutely literally, but that stuff… yeah, that’s all symbolic of the love Jeebus has for his church…yeah…that’s the ticket!

      • Silence Is Golden

        That’s what they try to tell you lol. However, Song of Songs is a love poem.

        • jmk

          It’s a sexytime poem, for sure…but there’s never been a group better at ignoring reality than Biblical literalists with their sola scriptura silliness.

          • Silence Is Golden

            The Christian forums and “how to interpret the Bible” sections tell you it’s about a “personal relationship with God”. Maybe it’s a poem between God and Mary?

    • mailman27

      When xtians masturbate do they get hairy psalms?

      • Silence Is Golden

        I believe there may be some kind of loophole to prevent that.

  • Blank Ron

    I almost listened to some filthy music back when I was a teenager. Fortunately I learned how to clean off my LPs and didn’t risk damaging the stylus.

    • Mehmeisterjr

      You should never even think about the purity of the stylus for fear of arousing unclean thoughts.

    • Gil

      You must be old as dirt. I never heard spanking the monkey referred to as ” clean off my LPs “

      • Gil

        And might I add, I didn’t go crazy ( except for a minute or so) or get hairy palms but my hearing is shot so maybe they were kinda right.

      • Blank Ron

        You should see my collection of suggestive stereopticon viewing cards.

        • Mehmeisterjr

          Fie, sir, that would lead to impure thoughts:

          http://users.telenet.be/thomasweynants/stereo-nudes.html

          • Blank Ron

            If I don’t have impure thoughts, how will I know which ones to turn into impure actions?

          • BackDoorMan

            … “I’m as pure as the driven slush.” – Tallulah Bankhead

          • Blank Ron

            “Between two evils, I always pick the one I never tried before.” – Mae West

            We don’t make ’em like that any more, do we?

      • BackDoorMan

        … in my day, we referred to it as “polishing the wax cylinder”.

  • Mehmeisterjr

    Oh, intercourse this guy.

  • MrBlobfish

    A life without drinking and carrying on is not a life worth living.

    • Blank Ron

      Okay, who are you and what have you done with our Mr Blobfish?

    • Mehmeisterjr

      I can drink or I can carry on but I can’t do both simultaneously. Let that be a lesson to you young people.

      • Swampgas_Man

        If you drink and carry on, you’re liable to spill a lot of good booze.

        • Gil

          Best advice of tne day. I mean the dya.

        • Steverino247

          Hey man! There’s a beverage involved here!

        • Mehmeisterjr

          You’re also liable to spill a lot of good seed. Or so I’ve heard.

      • Whale Chowder

        Practice, practice, practice!

  • Blank Ron

    Huge Pyle opines:

    God has a lot to say about nakedness. In Leviticus 18, the whole chapter deals with nakedness.

    Now I’m confused. Okay, more confused. If we’re supposed to read the Bible so we DON’T think about this stuff, why is there so much about it IN the Bible?

    • Mehmeisterjr

      It’s a good confused. If you weren’t confused, you’d have a big problem.

    • Latverian Diplomat

      It’s worse than you think. “to uncover someone’s nakedness” is a euphemism for “to have sexual relations with”. The King James version (which Pyle, like a lot of fundies, thinks is the one true version) translates this euphemism literally. More modern translations just drop the euphemism and spell it out.

      Lev 18 is just a list of people not to have sex with; his conclusions about what it says about nudity and modesty are ill informed, to say the least.

      • Blank Ron

        Well, I feel disillusioned. Gonna have to restart my checklist now, and at my age, too.

        I did catch one thing there I missed before. The punishment for doing any of this stuff? You had to leave town, and (near as I can tell) convert to some other religion. Unless it’s somewhere else, I don’t see a single ‘execute teh gayz’ anywhere. Funny, eh?

  • Silence Is Golden

    I guess the title “How to Get Away With Rape and Incest” was already taken…

  • Blank Ron

    Hugh G Rection blathers:

    In the arrangement of God it takes two people — male and female — for a new life to be produced.

    Hah! Species non-specific loophole!

    • VirginiaLady

      So humans and other persons like elves, mermaids, and aliens are Ok. As long as one is male and the other is female. But for non-procreational sex the goat is still cool, right? Asking for the guy out in the back 40.

      • Blank Ron

        That might be me. Sorry, we’ll get a room.

  • Reddishrabbit

    Too bad there isn’t a long black dress that would cover a whole womens body. And maybe a scarf, you know hair and men. And maybe something to cover the face, you know men and faces. That I’m sure he could get behind.

  • Incoming Ham

    Mommy, when are we going to have the “knew” talk?

    • Villago Delenda Est

      As I’ve mentioned before, to guys like Hugh, Catholics are practically Hindus.

  • janecita

    God is such a peeping Tom! I only have kinky sex because I know that God is watching, and I want to give him a good show.

  • Suse

    Alas, Hugh shuffled off to Buffalo in 2010. You can still order his books, though. His lovely wife Esther W. Pyle’s cookbook “Esther’s Edibles” is available for only $8.95 (plus s/h). http://www.pyleofbooks.com/

    • Mehmeisterjr

      “Esther’s Edibles?” That sounds as dirty as “Tender Tutor.”

      • Zippy

        sounds like something you’d buy in a MMJ store

      • Celtic_Gnome

        Did you say Esther’s Edibles? I saw that vid on Pornhub.

  • TheBidenator

    How much do you want to bet Hugh Pyle had at least one sex worker on payroll on the downlow? Were it me, I’d bet the house on it….

  • KenRob

    More ChristoFacsists who haven’t read the BuyBull. Or is that where they all learn (and practice) incest, multiple wives & concubines, rape, killing husbands so they can have the wife, and so many more truly “Gawdly” things. Yes, what a great place to get the sex edumacation that you aren’t supposed to have in the first place.

    • Dee Andee

      Exactly. The Bible goes on and on about all kinds of depraved shit. Not exactly the place to go to keep one’s mind “pure.”

  • darnyoudarnyoutoheck

    Can you imagine how confusing this blather would be if you didn’t even know that tab A inserts into slot B?? Not to mention the whole ” don’t think about pink elephants” aspect.

    • Blank Ron

      Male or female pink elephants?

      • darnyoudarnyoutoheck

        Hermaphrodite.

        • Blank Ron

          Oh, great, now that’s ALL I can think of.

        • Biff52

          Calista Gingrich, of course.

  • TheBidenator

    It’s funny, with Saudi Arabia we get to see what happens when an entire nation is run by fundamentalists – no wonder it’s fairly easy to convince sex-starved, sex denied people that 72 mystic virgins are waiting for them when they blow themselves up. These fuckers probably think it’s wrong to be naked in the shower. Another side note: ultra orthodox Jews take it one step further by placing a sheet between partners when they fuck with a little hole cut in it because touching a woman skin to skin apparently robs your purity of essence….

    Fundies are fucking clown shoes bat shit insane people….

    • Jen_Baker_VA

      The world would be a lot more like those old dead religious dudes said it would be, if not for the super uber fundamentally religious.
      Paradox of the universe, time for a quantum implosion or something

    • Mehmeisterjr

      And the next stop down the line: the Hale-Bopp self-castrators.

    • Dee Andee

      And then I’ve read it’s much easier to be gay than straight in Saudi Arabia (if you don’t get caught, that is). Men are everywhere, and physical affection between them is very normal. Hardly a woman to be found.

    • Biff52
  • grumblestiltskin

    “This is what it means when “Adam knew his wife.” ”

    We all know from the rest of Genesis that Adam knew exactly Jack about his wife.

    • Mehmeisterjr

      From now on, I’m using “WTK?” for “What the Know?”

      • Dee Andee

        Oh my, do I see the birth of a new Wonkette in-joke? :D

      • Biff52

        By that logic, IDF takes on a new, and frankly worse, meaning.

    • BackDoorMan

      … is that why she was always raising Cain with him?

  • VirginiaLady

    Didn’t God get very upset when Eve got wise and hid her nakedness from his sight? God was busted.

    • Jen_Baker_VA

      I always wondered why god made sure to point out that fruit in the first place. It is like I went and bought some Tasty Kakes (Krimpets of course) and showed the boys and let them see them and maybe smell them but went NOPE Not for you. You can haz apples and you can haz cheezburger but no delicious butterscotch Krimpets for you.
      Then I put the box atop the fridge and walked away smugly, dreaming of all those extra calories and totally ignoring that they had already pulled the kitchen chair over to the counter

      • VirginiaLady

        Bravo!

  • “Did somebody say ‘lustful movements’?!?”

  • Enfant Terrible

    Now if the author’s name was “Hugh J. Pyle”, I woulda called shenanigans.

    Seriously, is this parody?

  • Steverino247

    “Pagan natives around heathen campfires” So, somebody tell the campfires about the need to accept Jesus as their personal savior and the problem is solved.

  • Relativicus

    “No whoremonger nor unclean person has any inheritance in the kingdom of heaven.”

    That’s an awful strange quote for the New Testament, being that it’s the exact opposite of everything Jesus taught.

    • Villago Delenda Est

      Jesus was a dirty fucking hippie. And you know what those dirty fucking hippies do, right? They fuck!

      • Biff52

        It’s right there in the name, duh!

    • Latverian Diplomat

      It comes straight from (the KJV translation) of Eph 5:5. In fairness, in the larger context of the New Testament, it doesn’t say “ex-whoremongers” aren’t welcome. You just have to “go and sin no more” as Jesus did say.

      • Relativicus

        Even in fairness, it’s contrary to His “love ’em all and let Dad sort ’em out” philosophy.

    • Jen_Baker_VA

      Paul, the very very first right wingnut who decided to ignore all the feel good crap in red and do his own thing.

  • Good_Gawd_Yall

    I love when Dok shares his discoveries of ancient texts with us! It’s so cute how those people back in –
    wait.

  • Angry_Cop

    “Why not let God teach our children about sex? Since the fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom, the warnings of Scripture about impurity and loose living will do much to prevent the sincere young person from playing with forbidden fruit.”

    Shit, if THAT had been all the sex-ed I’d ever gotten, I’d have had fifty girls pregnant by the time I was fifteen.

    Thankfully, someone decided to step in and disregard Pastor Shitpile’s suggestions.

  • Villago Delenda Est

    Oh, so God is the Thought Police? Well, isn’t that special!

    • Jen_Baker_VA

      No no no, librul leftist scum is the thought police because they oppress the majority who is just trying to keep their superiority over all the browns and wimins and not christians and stuff.
      God gives freeeeeeedom by telling you precisely what to do, how to do it, and that you can’t even think about anything else, ever.

    • Logic of Color

      Yes, and he loves you and will burn you in hell for thinking about fucking

      • Hardly Ideal

        I can’t stop thinking about that part. God presumably knows everything that has and will happen, including your own thoughts. That must include one’s thoughts, but Pyle’s logic, one’s eternal fate.

        What kind of all-loving, all-powerful god create people who are doomed from the start?

  • Latverian Diplomat

    There are indeed many lessons about sex to be found in the bible.

    The story of Lot and his daughters (Gen 19:30-36) is a cautionary tale: Do NOT serve alcohol at your next Purity Ball!

  • JParkerSD46

    Hey, there’s that white hippie guy again.

    • Latverian Diplomat

      Local high on lockdown due to bearded man in Middle Eastern attire reported in the vicinity.

    • Logic of Color

      Quick, he’s teaching our children’s about socialism! Nooooo!

  • fawkedifiknow

    Is this what he means by a dirty joke, but would satisfy his wish for a “pure” newly married couple?

    Joshua asked his father, Jeremiah, how sex worked, on the eve of his marriage to Ruth – both “pure” as the driven snow. Jeremiah counselled his son by telling him to put the hardest thing he had where his new bride goes to the bathroom The night of their nuptials, Joshua put his bowling ball in the toilet.

  • marxalot

    I keep puking in the morning like this, and the Comrades are gonna think I’ve gotten parthenogenesized.

  • Swampay

    “He plainly declares that we are not to uncover the nakedness of “any that is near of kin.”

    Pretty sure when the Bible says “uncover the nakedness” they mean straight up boning. God’s not saying “don’t let your teenaged daughter run around in her swimsuit ’cause you can be expected to control yourself you filthy pervert bastard” he’s getting right to the point. It’s a list of people you shouldn’t bone, not a list of people who should wear burkas in case their family has no self control. It’s not about seeing people in their undies, it’s about sending up the periscope for a closer inspection.

    Fucking perverts.

    • Swampay

      Oh, and in case it needs to be said, Josh Duggar – if seeing a baby girl’s naked bottom while changing her diaper is involved in your sexuality? Can you save us all some trouble and just declare yourself a sexual offender? Thanks!

      • bozilingus

        Maybe give himself a .45 caliber lobotomy? (with votes, of course)

  • Jeez, this is the most depressing thing I’ve read since I read Rebecca’s accompanying column about the Duggar girls probably not getting counseling.

    • Hardly Ideal

      Word. How can someone choose to be that miserable?

  • nightmoth

    It’s just so weird how much christianists have to say about sex compared to how little Jesus had to say about it.

    • Blank Ron

      Conventional wisdom suggests that Jesus was getting WAY more action than they are.

      • BackDoorMan

        … as would any guy in his early 30’s who hung out with 12 bro-dudes… on a bad night at the tavern where they didn’t get lucky they could at least go home and console one another.

        • Zippy

          plus all those prostitutes

          • Jared James

            Can’t very well do any redeeming if you don’t know any sinners. That’s just a good Christian work ethic.

  • bozilingus

    “Huge F. Pyle”; his parents must have really hated him.

    • celtic_buddha

      Middle name is Fucking? Flaming? Festering?

      • bozilingus

        AOT,K

  • Callyson

    Many a woman or girl who has been assaulted [raped] or beaten and abused by some evil man has at least been partly to blame if she was dressed in such an immodest way as to cause temptation.

    • Rick Hill

      It seems that the entire party, the mindset is that it’s mostly the woman’s fault if she gets raped. When you hear about statistics of how many women are raped in their lifetime you get the feeling the type of men who do that gravitate to a certain party.

  • YayConspiracy

    He needs to get laid.

    • Rick Hill

      He needs to get FEMA camped.

    • Unforgotten

      Why do you want to bestow upon a woman, any woman (even ‘The One that is Best than Clinton’ and ‘The One from Wasillah’), the burden of having sex with him?
      Or… are you implying… something else?

    • Mehmeisterjr

      He doesn’t need to get anything anymore but back in the day he had to get his cranium inspected for geraniums.

  • Karen Marie

    “Listen to wholesome and good music, and discipline those pleasure hours.”

    That’s one way to describe it.

  • Rufus T. Firefly

    I could stand to hear the word “filthy” some more.

  • Rufus T. Firefly

    I assume the next book in the series is written by Hugh G. Rection.
    >someone had to say it<

  • Biff52

    “People who look at that which is filthy,
    tell dirty jokes, or listen to filthy music will soon be filthy and will
    be engaged in the terrible sin of fornication.”

    Nice try, Pyle. Been working this angle for years, to no avail.

  • BearGHAZI

    Mine pleasure hours art mine own, Fascist

  • D_C_Wilson

    Many a woman or girl who has been assaulted [raped] or beaten and abused by some evil man has at least been partly to blame if she was dressed in such an immodest way as to cause temptation.

    No rape has ever been prevented by a Burka.

    • CriticalDragon1177

      True. Both Christian and Muslim fundamentalists just love to blame female rape victims don’t they?

  • Bren

    Groping for Jesus.

  • I’m firmly convinced that nothing would be more shocking, more disgusting, more perverted to these people than getting sent back in time to the cultures that lived closest to the Bible they so love and seeing how their sexual mores actually work.

    • JustPixelz

      Or if Jesus showed up and made them follow his actual teachings.

      • VandeGraf

        I think Jesus has a YouTube vid called “How to Play the Blues Like a Savior.”

  • Poly_Ester

    I understand he changed his name from Hugh G Pyle.

    • JustPixelz

      He tried, but Trump sued for infringement.

  • SK

    Hey, nice to see Dok Zoom reviving my favorite theme-column on the Internet! With Fuckabee in the running for the GOP clown-crown, I hope to see many more of these.

    (Kinda like the 60 Minutes, L&O and NCIS spinoffs!)

  • Rabbit_Rebozo

    Excuse me, “purity balls” is a crude term, and beneath the dignity of my b’loved Wonkette! The correct term is purity testicles! You’re welcome.

    • Celtic_Gnome

      Is purity nuts also too crude. Of course, that term refers to the attendees at purity testicles.

      • Rabbit_Rebozo

        “Security ‘nads” would be acceptable, but only for less formal occasions.

      • Nine

        You mean DeeZ Purity NutZ?

        (Sorry. I work in a middle school. Immaturity is contagious.)

  • Rabbit_Rebozo

    God has a lot to say about nakedness. In Leviticus 18, the whole chapter deals with nakedness. He emphasizes again and again the danger of being careless about covering up. He plainly declares that we are not to uncover the nakedness of “any that is near of kin.”

    Once you’re married, ain’t your spouse ‘near of kin’? Is this verse why some fundamentalist Christian and Jewish sects supposedly only fuck through holes in the sheets? Or is that an urban myth?

    • VandeGraf

      These days it is probably a suburban myth, if the fucker and fuckee have entered the middle classes.

    • No, the holes-in-sheet thing is a specifically anti-Semitic myth. It comes from seeing Jewish prayer shawls on the washing line – basically poncho-type things – and getting the wrong idea.

  • Wow! I finally understand the “logic” behind abstinence only sex-ed/ ALso, my parents are seeming more and more normal every day.

  • Come here a minute

    “flesh (sex lust)” — What is it with these guys and great band names?

  • chascates

    That way of thinking about sex and women has its counterpart in the Middle East. Since fundamentalists of all religions want a return to a patriarchal society where women have no rights you’d think they would all get along.

    • All that differs is the almighty Name of the Father. But, as any French psychoanalyst could tell you, that’s the real issue – my daddy can beat up your daddy.

  • Dolmance

    I’ve noticed this freak of a painter before in Wonkette, and for the same reason — notice the teenage girl’s enormous hands. They’re much bigger than Jesus’ hands.

    Those meat hooks would be more at home on Shaq O’Neil. They’re gigantic.

    • Jared James

      It’s called foreshortening, duh. (The fact that it happens nowhere else in the painting notwithstanding.)

      • Dolmance

        Yeah, well, foreshortening doesn’t mean giving a teenage girl Kodiak bear paws.

        Check out his site. All the girls, and only the girls, have bear paws, which in my book, makes him some kind of unclassified type of total perv.

  • Celtic_Gnome

    “People who look at that which is filthy, tell dirty jokes, or listen to filthy music will soon be filthy and will be engaged in the terrible sin of fornication.”

    Is there like some organization I need to sign up with, maybe with dues and shit, or is this program more informal?

    • david green

      And maybe a nice newsletter?

  • vonhonkington

    what are you willing to wager that daddy duggar or the AIT guy or any of these other nutjobs are big fans of wife swapping? or pimping out their wives and daughters for favors? doesn’t seem a big leap from “our women are property” to “we exchange our women like property”. to bring glory to the church, of course.

    • mtn_philosoph

      Nothing. That’s pretty far out there in left field. I wouldn’t put any money on it.

    • DsMTwoShoes

      Well within the realm of probability.
      Throw “Jesus” in the wording and you might have them pimping out their Airedale?

    • Jared James

      He’s more of a fan of progeny-swapping but I suppose wives are kind of children, too.

  • sillyclucker

    Where in the Bible does Adam and Eve get married?

  • Enfant Terrible

    Creepiest Jesus pic ever. Maybe he should burn off some of that, ahem, *energy* with a rugged game of football.

  • viva_democracy

    Uh, Cheezus looks like he’s trolling/grooming that young girl in the photo.
    Since Christian = child molester/pedophile/sexual deviant, then I guess it’s ok.

    • MyLovelyNose

      And she’s like, “Icky sweaty hand . . . “

  • MyLovelyNose

    “Lusht ish the . . . . . . s-s-ssslimy serpent . . . that will lead you down the path to s-s-s-Sin sin sinsinsin and oh-sweet-Jesus gimme it mf mf mf . . .”

Previous articleAmerica’s Gay-Hating Cake Bakers Would Like To Be Pen Pals With Cake Bigots In Northern Ireland
Next articleKickstarter For Joe Arpaio To Crush His Enemies Like Cockroaches They Are