Bristol Palin's Wedding CANCELED, Let's Make Up Reasons Why

SAD NEWS, everybody. Sarah Palin will no longer have a new son-in-law to "eye-fuc," because the impending nuptials of Bristol Palin and Dakota Meyer, planned for this weekend, have been 86'ed, as reported by Mama Grizzly Dumb Ass,on the Facebook :

We were very happy for Bristol when she announced in March that she and Dakota Meyer were going to gay marry each other in the traditional marriage parts, and also too when they announced in April that they were living in sin. We honestly want Bristol to be happy, instead of out shilling for abstinence for cash or being on terrible awful reality shows. She deserves SOMETHING better than those things, in life, because we care about Bristol and want good things for her.

But we have also been a little bit worried, because this Dakota Meyer character seems like kind of a dick, even if he is a Medal of Honor soldier dude, and also because he revealed that he has PTSD, which sort of made us think, "Whoa hey there, Bristol, be careful!" Not that it's necessarily unmanageable, or that he doesn't have it under control; we just wanted to make sure Bristol knew what she was getting into. But then we got even a little worried-er, when we saw this picture on the Instagram, of Sgt. Meyer with "Rowan," who is either the baby in his arms, or the name of the gun on the side table, right by the baby, one of the two.

But here is a thing we find curious, about Mama Palin's announcement. There will be no wedding, but there WILL be a party, with both the Palin and Meyer families, presumably including Bristol and Dakota? What is happening?

Let's speculate:

• They are splitsies, but it is amicable, and they have decided to make a party happen anyway, because plane tickets have been bought, and also Sarah Palin had already gored a moose, in the brain, to barbecue up for Saturday's party.

• They are NOT splitsies, but just decided to take a break and decided what they hey, let's still invite everybody over to Kentucky, for a party, because again, the thing about Sarah Palin goring the moose in the brain.

• Bristol's abstinence cash was starting to run out, and you can't be getting married, if you want everybody to think that your pure, renewed virginity is still intact. Maybe they are doing a party to celebrate Bristol's newfound (for the seventh or eighth time) virginity. It could happen!

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What other possibilities can you think of, Wonkers, for the Palin and Meyer families to get together this weekend for a party at the "old Kentucky home," if not to watch Dakota and Bristol get married and then lose their virginity to each other for the five thousandth time? Let us know in the, as always, completely disallowed comments.

[ Sarah Palin on Facebook   via   The Hill ]