World's most beautiful poet.

Wonkette is very excited to let everyone know that Bradlee Dean, our hilarious bestie who is also a religious rights activist, has written a very important poem at the WorldNetDaily, about how gay marriage is going to cause the Holocaust. Like we need to be reminded! Now, Bradlee Dean does not like being quoted, but fuck him, here is his poem, which is his own version of the famous Martin Niemöller “First they came for the socialists” quote. Is it good? Ha ha, no, Bradlee Dean is bad at many things, and poetry is one of them:

First they came for prayer in school, and I did not speak out, because I was not a student. Nor did I ever look into the fact that the Supreme Court is not above the law (Article III, Section 1, of the United States Constitution (Ephesians 6:18)).

Then they came to murder the unborn in their mother’s womb, and I did not speak out, because I was not an unborn child. After all, I was told that the Supreme Court could sanction the murder of the innocent in the womb by simply calling it a woman’s choice (Proverbs 6:17).

Then they came for marriage through the legalization of two men or two woman getting “married” to upend America’s sovereignty, and I did not speak out (as if to say the Supreme Court injustices have a God-given right to redefine what God Himself designed), because I did not want to be called a hater or a bigot (Leviticus 18:22, 20:13, Romans 1:24).

Then they came for me – and there was no one left to speak out for me, because I never spoke out for anyone else (let alone God) (Ezekiel 3).

That doesn’t flow at all. Anyway, we can do Niemöller poems too, at the Wonkette!

First Bradlee Dean sued Rachel Maddow for quoting him verbatim, but he lost and a judge ordered him to pay her legal fees because he is A Idiot.

Then Bradlee Dean threatened to sue yr Wonkette for quoting him verbatim, but that never happened, because he wimped out after we made so much fun of him, so we didn’t get any legal fees, sadface.

Then Bradlee Dean probably thought about suing Bradlee Dean’s reflection in the mirror for saying the same words as he does, but because he was Bradlee Dean, there was nobody left to speak for him who wasn’t A Idiot.

The end.

[WorldNetDaily via Right Wing Watch]

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  • coozledad

    because I was not an unborn child

    The fuck you say.

    • FauxAntocles

      He was created from the dust of the earth.

      • TeenLaQueefa

        That makes sense because he’s dumber than dirt.

    • guppy06

      Macduff libel!

      • Rotisserie Teal

        think I’ll take the opportunity to get ‘untimely ripped’

    • BackDoorMan

      … I took that to mean he was borned all right, but that’s where it ended. No further development ensued, at least, not in the cerebral cortex context.

  • diogenez


  • coozledad

    We laughed together at the hollyhocks
    Then they came for the Wal-Marts and i could not purchase my ass-creme because the Chiners done took it to lube their AK-47’s.

  • BadKitty904

    Has been-minor-rock-singer-turned-sociopath/grifter-making-constant-desperate-bids-for-attention-while-misspelling-his-first-name says what?

  • Lizzietish81

    Are we sure he’s not Axl Rose?

  • Lot_49

    Low-hanging fruit.

    • BadKitty904

      Or low-hanging freek. 6-O-1…

  • Derp perp

    I like Wonkette’s version best!

  • Lizzietish81

    You know, actual Nazis should speak out about this, I mean they hate the gays too, I’m sure they hate all the comparisons to them being made.

    • JustPixelz

      I’d hate to find myself agreeing with Nazis. Especially those Illinois Nazis.

    • malsperanza

      I feel certain they will overlook this and are already making common cause with each other. They agree on all the major points, after all.

  • w9anthimos

    When they came for Bradlee Dean, I said nothing because I wouldn’t even know who this guy was except that I read about him on our Wonkette.

  • alwayspunkindrublic

    Even the upper limits of the Gohmert Terminal Stupidity Scale are useless to quantify this level of dumbfuckery.

    • memzilla

      And it’s a log scale!

  • Vecciojohn

    First they came for Bradlee Dean, and I said, “He’s hiding in the attic.”

  • memzilla

    Bradlee Dean, Bradlee Dean
    Has no balls and has no peen
    A never-was who has delusions
    Wonkette gave his brain contusions.

    — Burma Shave

    • Rotisserie Teal

      Applause fills the rafters.

  • schmannity

    America’s “sovereignty” depends on marriage? Dean’s mama must have been a little weak in home school international law.

    • alwayspunkindrublic

      Or he was the first moran EVER to flunk home school.

      • schmannity

        Too much student sex in home school.

    • Villago Delenda Est

      You know, I don’t think the Westphalia System ever included much in the way of “you must run your human couplings in this manner or you don’t count”.

  • jmk

    “First no one came for the would-be persecuted

    But they whined about their persecution anyway, even though it was imaginary.

    Then no one came for the would-be governmentally oppressed,

    And they whined about their oppression anyway, even though it was made-up.

    Then no one came for the butthurt,

    And they became even more butthurt because of it.

    Then no one came for those full of derp…

    Because we were all too busy laughing at them and pointing

    And so they thought they were persecuted…and so the long day wore on.”

    • mtn_philosoph


  • Fly

    There should be a federal law against sucking Kochs.

  • weejee

    ♪ There’s a grifter who noes
    All of science is woe
    And he’s buying a stairway to heaven ♪

    • Jen_Baker_VA

      No stairway…denied

    • alwayspunkindrublic

      Or, as the Butthole Surfers put it, a hairway to Steven.

  • fawkedifiknow

    As Long as that shit fer brains is around, I’ll know the sanitation department never came for the trash.

  • Callyson

    the legalization of two men or two woman getting “married” to upend America’s sovereignty

  • JustPixelz

    He left out “Then they forbade a man to have sex with his daughters and I did not speak up because I am not a daughter (Genesis 19:33-36)”

    • FlownOver

      “…and my sons were cool with it.”

  • Tallmutha

    That poem doesn’t make sense. By the time they came for Bradlee, wouldn’t there still be some people left who said “Oh well, I can’t pray in school, tough titty. I’m already born, so nobody can abort me. And I don’t really care if gays and lesbians can get married”?

    • Seek

      Sure, but not the right kind of people, so they don’t count. Obvs

    • bobbert

      I think the key phrase is “to speak out for me”. The fact that there would be people left to point and laugh doesn’t count.

  • orygoon

    “First they came…then they came…then they came…and THEN they came for derivative ‘poets'”, and we never heard from that idiot no mo’, although the guards from their cell block regularly requested special orders of ear protectors.

    • HogeyeGrex

      Or reassignment to the mime wing.

  • guppy06

    When Bible quotes can be found to justify anything, it’s funny how these folks fixate only on the ones that justify their own behavior.

    • JustPixelz

      Mark 12:31
      Matthew 25:35-40
      Mark 12:17
      Luke 19:8
      Matthew 7:12
      Exodus 21:10

      Also, David and Jonathan were “just friends”.

      • MOG253

        Yeah, I wondered about that.

      • Unforgotten

        Remember ‘7 Days’?
        There was this episode about a crazy fundamentalist (that is, crazy enough to be considered a whack job even by the other fundamentalists) who worked at CDC in Atlanta (where they store all those nasty and nastier diseases) and stole this ultra dangerous virus and made a bunch of stewardesses spread it worldwide.
        Well, the hero goes back in time, but not on time enough to prevent the robbery, and the showdown is at the airport. The lunatic holds the tube with the virus in one hand and if he drops it… and he starts to say Bible quotes after quotes that would ‘justify’ his actions.
        What does the hero do?
        He finishes the phrases, every single quote used by the would-be-mega-genocidal dude is part of a phrase or sentence, and the whole thing shows him that he’s not doing ‘God snactioned acts’ (not that it prevents him from trying to spread the virus anyway).

        • SterWonk

          Relatedly, The Moral Virologist is a great fundamentalist-plays-with-test-tubes short-story.

      • HogeyeGrex

        Matthew 6:5-8 also, too.

      • BackDoorMan

        … so, David and Jonathan – like my confirmed bachelor uncle and his “business partner”? Yeah, everybody knew what the business was, we just never talked about it. Except amongst ourselves.

  • Jen_Baker_VA

    I think I am literally stupider for having read his poem, because brain cells died in trying to figure out wtf he was on about.

  • fka_donnie_d

    See? No more original thought anywhere with these people. That particular nerve cluster has officially atrophied.

    • BackDoorMan

      … the only trophy they will ever receive.

  • nmmagyar

    WTF is this even supposed to mean “Then they came for me – and there was no one left to speak out for me, because I never spoke out for anyone else”? He does nothing but whine and bitch (which is a form of speaking out) about all the poor, oppressed, abused fundigelicals ALL THE DAMN TIME. He has a damn “column” that he gets paid to whine and bitch about the poor, oppressed, abused fundigelicals.

  • Callyson

    My turn:

    First they came for Beyoncé and I did not speak out, because I figured she was strong enough to laugh her haters off the stage Nor did I worry about the idea that a small number of paranoids could dictate what music could be produced (“Survivor,” “All the Single Ladies”).

    Then they came to murder the scientists and I did not speak out, because I figured that Science would find a way to defend itself. After all, I was told that the advances in technology and medical science were things that just about everyone could agree were good for the world (too many to mention).

    Then they came for birth control and I did not speak out (as if to say the Supreme Court decision was at all fair), because I was still in disbelief that they got away with that crap (hypocrisy).

    Then they came for me – and I said “Fuck this shit” and committed myself to fighting against the rise of these wingnuts, because I’ll be damned if I’ll let the Bradlee Deans of the world dictate my life choices (For fuck’s sake).

    Hey, this is fun!

    • Unforgotten

      If I recall it correctly, Zero Mostel once made a bunch of right wing fellas eat on the palm of his hand so dizzy they became after trying to make him follow their orders (i’m pretty sure it was Mostel)… before the guys realized that the reporters (of course they wanted to make a public show out of it) were laughing at them.
      What he did?
      He pretended to play by their rules, and explored the weakness and nonsense of every single one of them!

  • Enfant Terrible

    Bradlee, that won’t flow with any hip-hop charts. You’ll have to settle for polka.

    • Anarchy Pony

      Weird Al libel!

  • Lizzietish81

    First they came, and I said nothing because I was about to come myself.

    • Enfant Terrible

      I said nothing because I was about to come hurl myself.


    • Anarchy Pony

      Go on…

    • JustPixelz

      (Sorry I didn’t reply sooner. I was, um, busy.)

      Your version is, like, 100% better than Dean’s.

  • Anarchy Pony

    The gaystapo aren’t coming for you Brad. It’s not even a thing. Hold on… Someon’e knocking at my front door…

  • BoatOfVelociraptors

    Well, I didn’t comment, because comments aren’t allowed.

  • Callyson

    Oh, God, I just had to click on the link:

    It is disgraceful what we are not seeing from the pulpits in America today. Rather than seeing a thunderous barrage of righteous indignation against murder of the unborn and zeal against tyranny, injustice and immorality, we are hearing virtually nothing from over 300,000 pulpits … silence (Zechariah 1:15).

    If only we were hearing virtually nothing from those pulpits about a topic that is none of their fucking business. Wouldn’t that be nice?

    • RJ (TO)

      What we’re NOT seeing from the pulpits??? What f*cking planet is he living on?

    • glennisw

      His earholes must be clogged up.

  • TheBidenator

    Here’s mine:

    First they came for Bradlee Dean and told him to change his adult diaper because he smells like shit.

    Too artsy?

    • Hemidemisemiquaver

      First they came for Bradlee Dean and I said “Good!”

      • Villago Delenda Est

        I cheered them on, and offered helpful suggestions on how to prevent him from spewing word salad out of his piehole.

        • Hemidemisemiquaver

          That was funny!

  • grumblestiltskin

    First they came for prayer in schools, they told me, and I said “Horseshit! Pray all you damn want, you just can’t evangelize between the first bell and the last bell. Get it?”

    • MOG253

      I vaguely remember having to pray in school, since I spent so much time in church it seemed redundant. But what do I know?

      • BackDoorMan

        I remember reciting The Lord’s Prayer at the beginning of class in elementary school. I also remember the two Jehovah’s Witness students (a brother and sister) who were excused to go to the coat room during that time. Since this was never explained to us, we just assumed that they did something wrong, or didn’t believe in God. And yes, as kids, we were every bit as bullying as you’d expect. I am still ashamed of those memories to this day.

  • mondojohnson

    “Article III, Section 1, of the United States Constitution (Ephesians 6:18)” – new APA citation standard.

  • Fly

    Then they came for my stash and I said fuck you, I’m moving to Colorado.

  • RJ (TO)

    If only they’d come for him.

    • MOG253

      Rather than wait, we could go pick him up?

      • RJ (TO)

        You go. I haven’t had my shots yet.

  • bargal20

    You didn’t think Fury Road got so furious on its own, did you?

  • Bradley the blithering moron
    Poetic’d to a rarefied height
    But the poems would oft get your snore on
    and give you bad dreams at night.

  • Whoa, ghey marriage is going to “upend America’s sovereignty” and stuff?

    • jmk

      Sure, why not? I mean, it causes train crashes and it made that guy sext his intern…there’s no telling WHAT else it can do!!

    • H0mer0

      oh, so the “Make Love, Not War” hippies were right all along. To think Al-Qaeda wasted all those resources when all they needed to do was support ghey rights.

  • ShriekinViolet

    And yet, someone will still cross-stitch and frame this “poem” for Grandpa’s next birthday because, dammit, he didn’t fight in dubya dubya two just so he could live to see menfolk marrying each other.

    • Meanie-meanie, tickle a person

      He saw enough of that in the foxholes…

  • First they came for me, because I am a Master in the Art of Love.

    • Meanie-meanie, tickle a person

      I’m the Gangster of Love. If they come for me, I’ll moidelize ’em…

    • Tansy Geek

      Shouldn’t that be ” They came first, for me. Because I am a master in the Art of Love.”?

      • As a master of all things romantic
        My pace is sedate, never frantic
        ‘Cuz her genital swings
        Are the fragilest of things
        So for god’s sake, don’t be pendantic.

  • Ricky Gay

    hahahahahaha! (with votes)

  • malsperanza

    If by “upend America’s sovereignty” he means “upend the fictitious sovereignty of the Protestant Bible in American politics,” he may be right.

    “There’s glory for you!”
    “I don’t know what you mean by ‘glory.’ ” Alice said.
    Humpty Dumpty smiled contemptuously. “Of course you don’t — till I tell you. I meant ‘there’s a nice knock-down argument for you!’ ”
    “But ‘glory’ doesn’t mean ‘a nice knock-down argument,’ ” Alice objected.
    “When I use a word,” Humpty Dumpty said in rather a scornful tone, “it means just what I choose it to mean — neither more nor less.”
    “The question is,” said Alice, “whether you can make words mean so many different things.”
    “The question is,” said Humpty Dumpty, “which is to be master — that’s all.”

    Lewis Carroll, Through the Looking Glass

  • FlownOver

    There once was a nutbar named Bradlee
    Who godsplained most everything badlee
    His ill-advised suin’
    Will lead him to ruin
    But he’s still a total self-absorbed dickwad without an ounce of common sense or anything resembling a truly Christian bone in his body… sadlee

    [Yeah, I still gotta work on the meter in that last line.]

    • Meanie-meanie, tickle a person

      CliffsNotes Poetry version:

    • Zippy

      There once was A Idiot from Nantucket

  • I went to WND and read the theobabble in its entirety. It started with this gem: “When the hypocrites and accomplices to Adolf Hitler (Matthew 7:21-23)” and quickly went uphill (comically speaking). I’m fairly positive he’s just trolling at this point.

  • JD Mulvey

    How DARE those people kick in our doors and take away our marriages!

    It’s sort of just like the holocaust, which if it really happened prolly wasn’t very nice.

    • Logic of Color

      It’s even worser! They’re upending America’s sovereignty fer chrissake! C’mon, the Gheys, give us a brake!!!11!

      • david green

        I’ve always said those gheys were up to no good. The claimed they didn’t have an agenda, but they do – they are coming for our sovereignty! Wake up Sheeple!

  • anniegetyerfun

    Logic fail, also. Unless he is suggesting that people are coming to TAKE AWAY gay marriage, which is how this poem reads. If he is worried about that, he can fight for equal rights.

  • MrBlobfish

    There once was a boy named Dean
    Who acquired the taste for peen
    That’s all I got
    Fuck him

  • onepissedoffcracker

    I see a lot of criticism here of this fine poem but the only problem with it is the timeline. We’ve been going to murder the unborn in their mother’s wombs years before the Supreme Court sanctioned it. Only in the early 1960’s did we get around to taking away prayer in school. Otherwise, the Biblical citations make this poem irrefutable. Ir, refutable.

  • Meanie-meanie, tickle a person

    Man, I haven’t done an OHaiku in awhile…

    O hai, Bradlee Deen!
    I’z reed ur new poim
    Ur doin’ it rong

  • glennisw

    I did not speak out, because I was not an unborn child.

    He figured the other unborn children would do the talking for him.

    • Mehmeisterjr

      The very idea seems inconceivable.

      • Hemidemisemiquaver


        I see what you did there!

        • Mehmeisterjr

          Pun intended. Thanks for caring.

  • Matt Jones

    “as if to say the Supreme Court injustices have a God-given right to redefine what God Himself designed”

    Last I checked, the “Gawd-designed” version featured middle-aged men paying cash money and/or cows for as many preteen girls as they wanted. Has Bradlee actually read the book he keeps waving around?

    • Unforgotten

      Not to mention poligamy (how many wives had Solomon again?) and working your *** off for seven years to ‘buy’ the ‘right’ to marry the woman you love, marry her sister instead and have to work seven more years…

    • SterWonk
  • Bill T.

    Bradlee is so wrong. When they come for him, we will cheer from the rooftops.

    • Land Shark

      with VOTES!

  • Worst. Rhyme scheme. Ever!

  • Logic of Color

    How does a “two woman” get married? Dafuck is a “two woman”?

    • Mehmeisterjr

      Maybe he meant a two-headed woman.

  • Meanie-meanie, tickle a person

    So Bradlee Dean thinks he’s a poet
    (Though his Longfellow feets they don’t show it)
    Well, he ain’t no Niemöller
    Nor Leiber, nor Stoller
    So I think maybe he should just stow it

    Now the wingnuts, well, yeah, they all love it
    And for them there’s no poem above it
    In their world, it’s the shits
    In real life, the pits
    So I think maybe he should just shove it

    He took a great poem to mold it
    (To spindle and staple and fold it!)
    To a new work, fullblown
    He’d proclaim as his own
    But I think we all know he just stold it

    • BigDumbWhiteGuy


    • Land Shark


      You wins the internet for today. My efforts pale in comparison.

  • chascates

    He seems grossly misinformed. The United States laws are based on a document called the Constitution and not on a Middle Eastern comic book (Carbuncle 16:2, Second Flugelhorn 23:35, Letter to the Vaudevillians 1,2,3).

  • Mehmeisterjr

    First they came for Bradlee Dean’s scansion and I said nothing because he didn’t have any.
    Then they came for his rhymes and I said nothing because, again, he didn’t have any.
    Then they came for his syntax and I said nothing because see above.
    Then they lost interest and so did I.

  • Helena Handbag

    Roses are red
    Violets are blue (well not really)
    Hey Bradlee Dean:
    Fuck you.

  • cessnadriver

    Hey, wingnuts, if you don’t like America (spelled with a “c” and not with three “k”‘s) you are free to leave.

  • AnOuthouse

    Bradlee Dean, dumb fuck.
    Lord’s warrior or dumb fuck?
    Dumb fuck Dumb fuck Dumb.

  • stevola

    First they came for Bradlee, and there was much rejoicing.

    • Swampgas_Man

      I don’t think anybody’s coming around this guy.

    • Me not sure


  • Swampgas_Man

    You want a rhyme? How about Bradlee and sadly?

  • sundaytrucker

    If only they had come for Bradlee Dean first, I wouldn’t have had to read that awful poem.

  • Billy Rubin

    When they came for Bradlee Dean, I said nothing, because… well, seriously: fuck that guy.

    • jw

      Or you could say “what took you so long?”

  • beatbort

    Twinkle Twinkle Bradley Dean
    How I wonder what you mean
    You’re so terrible at poetry
    But I have a toilet you can clean.

  • VandeGraf

    Jesus Christ on a Vespa, I hope someone comes for him soon!

  • OrdinaryJoe

    Bradlee, I’m just going to put this out there as food for thought. Could it be the reason all these things you whine about aren’t going the way you want is because you’re completely wrong about what Jeebuzz wants for us and Jeebuzz thinks you in particular are really embarrassing?

  • bobbert

    I’m offended that you didn’t pixellate that nipple. No, wait, the face.

  • D_C_Wilson

    Ever wonder what these wingnuts are going to do in a couple of years when gay marriage is ubiquitous and the sky stubbornly refuses to fall?

    • CriticalDragon1177

      They’ll probably be begging us not to include gays in federal civil rights legislation, than within about five to ten years after that, whining about a bunch of horror stories about how they’ve been “enslaved” because they’re not allowed to refuse to bake cakes for gay weddings.

    • Mehmeisterjr

      They’ll move on to the next sign of The Apocalypse. There are always one or two floating around.

      • BackDoorMan

        … from apocalypse to GOP’s fears.

    • BeckyLB

      As usual, the wingnuts will wait a few years, then try to play it off that THEY were the ones championing for gay rights while those evil dumbo-rats were the oppressors.

    • riledupone

      We’ve had legal gay marriage in Canada since 2005. Although we have had Stephen Harper inflicted upon us, it’s not a disaster of sky-falling proportions. And we have an election this fall which should take care of him so it’s all good.

      • Vienna Woods

        You hope. If the Liberals and NDP can’t get their fucking act- and vote- together, god knows what will happen.

  • Fly

    As an atheist I recognize that Bradlee’s view will always be more mainstream than mine in the United States, during my lifetime.

  • Tony Prost

    You so funny!

  • CriticalDragon1177

    The gaypocalypse has commenced!

  • elpinche

    Needs moar cowbell.

  • Poly_Ester

    Is it inaccurate to portray Bradlee as someone who didn’t pay much attention in school?

    • Enfant Terrible

      Certainly not divinity school.

  • Christianity is the bestest mythology of all.

    • Enfant Terrible

      Not really, since it borrows from other mythologies.

      • BackDoorMan

        … right, so maybe it’s the bestest Adapted Mythologies in the category of Restrictive Religions?

  • Alex Grey

    And then they came for me for eating shellfish Leviticus 11:12. And then they came for my wife for wearing pants, Deuteronomy 22:5. And then they came for me for getting a divorce Matthew 19:6. Etc…

    • Alex Grey

      Obligatory pony image…

  • lalameda

    Oh, I saw the picture and thought it was about the Romney boxing bare chested charity thing.

  • Paperless Tiger

    First they came for the communists, so I pretended to be a liberal.

  • Ulricii

    If you practiced creative law, like Master Bradlee, you would have sued him for the settlement Wonkette lost when Bradlee didn’t sue for damages as he said he would. Sounds like a great case.

  • splashy79

    What did they “come for him” for? I’m confused …

  • Enfant Terrible

    Well, I’m banned from WND, but there’s a lotta folks out there bringing the snark. I am content.

    • BackDoorMan

      … and, I have heard, “content is king”.

  • kfreed

    “Nor did I ever look into the fact that the Supreme Court is not above the law (Article III, Section 1, of the United States Constitution (Ephesians 6:18)).

    Then they came to murder the unborn in their mother’s womb, and I did not speak out, because I was not an unborn child…”

    I guess he couldn’t make anything rhyme with (Ethesians 6:18)?

    He did not speak out because because he was a zygote?

    Poetry? So, it’s settled… the officially suck at everything.

  • onepissedoffcracker

    Here’s a headline for you Wonkette:

    “Simpletons at Wonkette Too Simple to Recognize Real Sarcasm When It Came In Their Face”

    Editors removed my comment:

    I see a lot of criticism here of this fine poem but the only problem with it is the timeline. We’ve been going to murder the unborn in their mother’s wombs years before the Supreme Court sanctioned it. Only in the early 1960’s did we get around to taking away prayer in school. Otherwise, the Biblical citations make this poem irrefutable. Ir, refutable.

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