Enjoyest thou intern, sayeth the Lord

Oh what have we here? Why, it’s a Republican sex scandal. Our favorite! This time, it’s Missouri House Speaker John Diehl, and he’s been a bad bad boy. According to some ewwww gross texts obtained by the Kansas City Star, Speaker Diehl did all kinds of sexytime talk to a college intern, who was not his wife, Kelly, who is also the mother of their three sons — and no, his office has not yet commented on how will they explain this to THE CHILDREN?! Kelly is not a college freshman at Missouri Southern State University, participating in the internship program, which was suddenly canceled, thanks to Speaker Diehl not keeping his dirty emojis in his pants:

Screenshots of the text messages between Diehl and the intern are punctuated throughout with emoticons and emojis — cartoonish faces that smile or wink. They paint a picture of playful sexual innuendo.

Diehl texted things like “God I want you right now” and “will have my way with you … and leave you quivering,” and ugh, other stuff suggesting that it was not merely a virtual relationship, but an actual in-person maybe p-in-v relationship. Not that we’re judging. (We SO are.) But maybe John and Kelly have some sort of arrangement, the details of which they no doubt worked out with their priest at the Our Lady of the Pillar parish they attend in Creve Coeur, because we all know how the Catholic Church is super down with open marriages. But nah, that is not even why we are pointing and laughing at Speaker Diehl and his dick. Because if a man wants to put his thing in something that is not his wife, we don’t usually care, none of our bidness … UNLESS. Yeah, you know where this is going:

Legislative leaders in the Missouri General Assembly have filed a brief in federal court in defense of Missouri laws preserving traditional marriage.

Guess who is one of the legislative leaders who whined to a federal court that Missouri should be allowed to keep marriage between one man and one woman. Never mind, we’ll tell you, we’re too excited to wait for you to figure it out. IT IS SPEAKER JOHN DIEHL!

“By defining marriage as the union of man and woman, diverse societies, including the people of Missouri, have drawn a line between man-woman couples and all other types of relationships…,” the brief states. “…It is based on an undeniable biological difference between man-woman couples and same-sex couples–namely, the natural capacity to create children.”

Well, Speaker Diehl did create children in his marriage. We are guessing it was Mrs. Diehl who was looking after them while he was writin’ this thing to the Court about how sacred marriage is. Or banging his intern mistress.

The legislators’ brief references countless sociological studies that affirm that the traditional family is the “optimal childrearing environment” for children. “The intact, biological, married family remains the gold standard for family life in the United States, insofar as children are most likely to thrive—economically, socially, and psychologically–in this family form.”

Gosh, we sure hope the court keeps that in mind when it decides whether to up and change the traditional definition of marriage because everyone knows that since the beginning of forever, marriage has always been between one woman, one man, and the one college intern he’s banging on the sly. ;)

[Kansas City Star / Missouri Family]

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  • CalvinianChoice

    It’s no big Diehl really.

    • CapnFatback

      That’s what she said!

  • whatwhomever

    He probably wouldn’t have engaged in these extramarital shenanigans but for Big Ghey getting gay marriage all over the place.

  • Jaime Oria

    “Our Lady of the Pillar” ? I wasn’t aware that any porn stars had been beatified.

    • Jaime Oria

      Then again…

    • Zippy

      a quivering pillar, at that

      • guppy06

        A bit salty.

  • BadKitty904

    1.) Is the intern female?;
    2.) I’m impressed a GOP pol is able to use the word “quivering” correctly in a sentence.;
    3.) I dunno ’bout the guy in the pic, but I’d keep a sharp eye on that tiger, myownself.

  • visiblegirl

    The only surprise here is that he was banging a female intern. If he was. I’m surprised! How refreshing!

  • chicken thief

    Well, Speaker Diehl did create children in his marriage.

    Let’s just say that I have three kids.

    ~ Mrs. Diehl

    • Mehmeisterjr

      Four, counting her surprise step-daughter.

  • Spotts1701

    But what’s the point of unpaid female interns if they can’t sexually exploit them?

  • Lascauxcaveman

    You see, if Diehl had been able to pas the law like he wanted, he never would have succumbed to the charms of a teenaged underling, because then it would have been illegal, of course.

    Sheesh, people. Try to keep up.

  • FauxAntocles

    C’mon, all the dudes in the bibble have concubines, no biggie.

    • OctopiRage

      Multiple penis homes, if you will.

  • 1ucille_bluth1

    Careful, Mr. Diehl – that intern might muss up your comb-over.

    • BadKitty904

      That poor child was working a mighty hard internship…

      • Lascauxcaveman

        Geez, no kiddin’. How low does your self-esteem have to be to want to climb in the sack with that? Or is it just daddy issues?

      • JVisconti

        that he extended a job to an obvs visually impaired woman is almost progressive.

      • docterry6973

        She’s left quivering from THAT moon-pie? Gag me.

    • Silence Is Golden

      Ew! Now the girl can make lots of monies from books and interviews.
      In all seriousness, I’m thinking classic sexual harassment.

    • Gristle McThornbody

      Ewwwie pewwwwie!

  • sosuume

    Can Missouri impeach him if he can’t tell us what the definition of “is” is?

    • PubOption

      Did the intern wear a blue dress?

  • Relativicus

    I won’t even waste my time in explaining that “optimal child rearing environment” is not synonymous “marriage can only be between a man and a woman,” because, no matter how futile saying that is, it’s still time well spent.

    • mtn_philosoph

      That red herring has been pulled out and tossed onto the table so often that it is beginning to reek.

  • CutterTeam

    This is a big step forward for the Republican Party, as this sex scandal actually involves a woman.

    • BadKitty904

      And a live one, at that!

      • onedollarjuana

        That he didn’t pay for! But we’ll see about that.

        • Sam Hain

          Oh, he’s going to pay for it,one way or the other.

        • VirginiaLady

          Oh he will.

  • JohnnyZhivago2

    Explanation: just trying to improve his technology skills!!!!

  • Mary Sandoras

    In his defense the intern could just be a concubine which would have the Speaker following biblical marriage. So it’s all cool with Jeebus and his Daddy.

    • laineypc

      As long as there is no buttsechs, people! Don’t you GET it?

  • Zippy

    Is that one of those Missouri Tigers in the photo?

  • OneYieldRegular

    “The intact, biological, married family remains the gold standard for family life in the United States”

    As a supporter of gay marriage, and perhaps especially as an adoptee, I wish Rep. Diehl all the best, by which I mean the best divorce lawyer for his wife.

    • laineypc

      Not only that, did you see the “intact” part? Like only uncircumcised biological dads are in the golden circle?

    • Shalimar

      Isn’t marriage to biological family illegal, even in Missouri?

    • bikerlaureate

      Those sterile het couples have no business pretending to be legitimately married too, also.

  • chicken thief

    He was listed as ‘Frank Underwood’ in her contacts. The girl has some imagination!

    • BigBoppa

      Actually, the name on the header line of the text message window comes from the user’s own contacts list. Which means that Diehl either used a phony name for the contact to hide “her” true name from prying eyes OR the intern’s name is really Frank Underwood.

      Hmmmm….inquiring minds want to know……

      • chicken thief

        Sorry, I didn’t read the sexts, just assumed the reporting as accurate. And I’m old enough to know better….

  • Zippy

    remember kids, it doesn’t count when a Republican bangs an intern, only Dem presidents get impeached for that sort of stuff

  • Mary Sandoras

    So this must be the fault of:
    a. Obama
    b. The ghez
    c. The poorz
    d. All of the above

  • dslindc

    Why Speaker Diehl, you mean all that stuff about family values is just bullshit you spew to make yourself sound less like a bigot because really you just think gay people are icky and therefore shouldn’t have equal protection under the law? I AM SHOCKED!!!

    Spoiler: I am not shocked, but I will point and laugh at the sad hypocrite.

  • CutterTeam

    In his defense, Diehl only said that marriage should be between one man and one woman. He never said anything about fucking.

    • Relativicus

      I’ll bet he has, though.

  • chicken thief

    Dammit! If only he’d been wearing a diaper maybe they’d forget about me…

    ~ David Vitter

    • Adrian

      Fun fact:

      Both Mrs. Vitter and the diaper changing-sex worker are named Wendy.

      • pstockholm

        David and Wendy, sitting in a tree …
        oh no you don’t want to know the next lines

    • Vitter and Diehl: They’re GOPs.

      • data_ninja

        Darth Vitter: I am altering the Diehl. Pray I don’t alter it any further.

  • Speaker Diehl should have stuck to posting comments on Wonkette. It’s like Snapchat for wingnuts.

  • ThePuckStopsHere

    You don’t say things like that to a college freshman, old man. This behavior is beyond the pale and should result in his losing his job. If his wife has any sense, it should result in the loss of his family as well. And if the Catholic Church is to be consistent, he should at the very least not be allowed Communion. This hits home to me as I have a daughter away at college and if he did this to her I’m sorry but I’d have to at least try to kick his ass, and not with votes.

    • chicken thief

      Agreed. That girl is 18. Maybe 19. It might not fit the legal requirements for pedophilia but at his age, it should.

    • Relativicus

      You’ve forgotten the main tenet of Christianity, which is particularly useful for amoral moralizers…

      • ThePuckStopsHere

        I know. And I haven’t forgotten it’s just, for me at least, hard to forgive or to turn the other cheek or whatever it is specifically that I’m commanded to do in a case like this. I would probably go with the kicking of the ass and then asking for forgiveness as that is, as I understand it, a thing also.

      • guppy06
  • Love goes out the door when an intern comes innuendo.

    • Tracy

      Innuendo and out the other.

  • deanbooth

    More like Our Lady of the Pillow, amirite?

  • Fly

    If that man can find anyone to have sex with him, there is hope for everyone.

  • zerosumgame0005

    so the bill is a homage to Bill & Hillary?

  • PubOption

    a special court must be convened to deal with this matter. It could be called the Starr Chamber.

  • Tallmutha

    Some people must be rrrrreeeaallly hungry for a brush with power.

    • BehaveYrself

      With his hair, she’d need a comb, also too…

  • JVisconti

    It is said in Missouri that if it was a legitimate sext, the wife’s attorney has a way of shutting it all down, community property-wise

  • guppy06

    Srs theological questions:
    Who cut Adams’s hair?
    Who shaved Eve’s pits?

    • Was it…SATAN?

      • guppy06

        God loves hairy hippie sex!

    • weejee

      Illegals who snuck into Eden without proper papers.

    • NerdWithNoName

      And if there is a barber shop in Eden, why doesn’t Jesus stop by for a shave and a haircut (two bits).

    • Latverian Diplomat

      Pit hair happened the Fall, as a reminder of our sinful nature (see also, pubes).

      • willi0000000

        so . . . basically, Eden is somewhere in Brazil?

  • BehaveYrself

    I don’t care if he’s a cheating, immature, developmentally stunted adult acting like a high-schooler on his first date. What kills me is how fucking stupid these guys are, yet their constituents vote on the talking points of family values and tradition. I mean COME ON, did this grown man old enough to have a fucking comb-over think he could sext an intern and not get caught? Is he that stupid? Doesn’t he know how this stuff works?

    • Relativicus

      Let he who is without a little chippy on the side cast the first web address, user name, and password to some really hot porn.

    • OctopiRage

      The tubes betrayed him.

    • laineypc

      It does lead one to wonder how many of them are getting away with it, though.

      • BehaveYrself


    • bikerlaureate

      Sounding virtuous is more important than being virtuous. Everybody can relate to a hypocrite.

      Getting caught is a concern of non-sociopaths…

    • Latverian Diplomat

      That’s what Christian forgiveness is for.

      What, you thought it was for people other than older, wealthy straight white males? Nah, throw the book at those people.

  • OldWhiteLies

    Looking at the graphic at the top – mebbe it’s just me, but I don’t think I’d be exposing my dangly bits with a cat of any size that close.

    Just sayin …

    • SuspectedDemocrat

      Worse than that, Eve has the laser pointer.

    • VirginiaLady

      In Eden everything was vegetarian. Even velociraptor!

      • willi0000000

        that’s why the tofudabeest went extinct!

    • emw12

      I imagine they enjoy the softer bits immensely.

  • Ryan Denniston

    Honestly, this would have been priceless if the brief also mentioned that gay people can’t have stable relationships, unlike straight people everywhere. Still funny though.

  • nightmoth

    That illustration—So Jesus invented Eve so Adam would stop banging the tiger?

    • BigBoppa

      Yes, He did. And it worked like a charm.

      Unfortunately, He never could come up with a way to get him to stop spanking the monkey.

    • Relativicus

      No, He invented the tiger to cover up Adam’s naughty bits. Also, plants, for hers.

      • bikerlaureate

        Does God cut their hair?
        And considering where humans originated, why don’t they have more melanin?

    • Adrian

      I think that’s Siegfried and Roy with some woman.

    • SprayedMilkOutMyNose

      No no see…Jesus is the counselor, hes all like, “Dude, Dad made this
      babe for you, and she’s NAKED. Yet you keep nailing the tiger, what
      gives? You can’t have babies with the tiger.” And dude is all like,
      “Yeah, sorry, but in my own defense…it was a chick tiger…” Jesus is
      like, “Good point bro…”. End of session..

    • Logic of Color

      Because Jesus, like any typical christian counsellor, is SUCH a Sexpert!

  • nmmagyar

    I read like 600 pages of their texts and that was the most boring phone sex I have ever seen

    • timpundit

      He’s a republican.

    • SprayedMilkOutMyNose


    • VirginiaLady

      Link please? Asking for a friend….

      • nmmagyar

        It’s linked in the story that’s linked in this story

  • madmonq

    This is him & his wife not intern Kelly. She is still cute. He is still not. She must have a fetish for guys with huge, ugly , hypocritical balls.

    • BadKitty904

      Here’s hoping the Mrs. crucifies him in divorce court.

    • Angry_Cop

      She is cute. I’d like to feel bad for her. But she voluntarily married this dipshit. Just look at that purple-suited pile of crap. If he sold me a car I’d check the brake lines before driving it off.

    • Blank Ron

      Is it just me or does his shirt and tie combo look ‘shopped?

      • BackDoorMan

        … yeah, thrift-shopped.

        • Blank Ron

          Very good, monsieur!

  • Belasaurius

    oh yea, this is hot!

  • JustPixelz

    “The intact, biological, married family remains the gold standard…”

    Married with an affair is the sulfur standard.

    • FlownOver

      And hypocrisy is the Weekly Standard.

  • weejee

    The intern got a bad Diehl.

    • chicken thief

      She had to play the hand she was Diehl’d.

      • Callyson

        “You sleep with the politician you were Diehl’d, not the politician you wished for…”

      • Callyson

        “You sleep with the politician you were Diehl’d, not the politician you wished for…”

  • SuspectedDemocrat

    Come on, Republicans don’t really care about a politician banging an intern, do they?

    • Logic of Color

      I hear if you do it standing up it doesn’t count

    • david green

      Well, unless you are a powerful Democrat – then it is a terrible action that threatens the foundation of all we hold near and dear.

  • Angry_Cop

    At least he didn’t murder the intern he was fucking, unlike some other Congressmen.

  • Me not sure

    I think the tiger’s head must be covering up the snake in that picture.

    • OctopiRage

      Tigers blow goats Adam.

      • Me not sure

        Is that Adam 12?

  • sundaytrucker

    Shameful! Every Republican knows that the only thing you should f*ck outside of your marriage is the poor.

    • Logic of Color

      Well, and women, but in a different way.

  • Angry_Cop

    Why does Adam look EXACTLY like Aaron Schock? I smell libtard shenanigans.

  • Randy Riddle

    The college intern was female? That’s a change of pace for the Republicans…

  • exinkwretch

    College freshman? Even if fucking around on your wife didn’t already make you a creep, ever hear of the half your age plus six rule?

    • SuspectedDemocrat

      Maybe he got her in exchange for permission to run an oil pipeline.

    • Blank Ron

      PLUS six? Uh, oh…

      • david green

        She means “+ 8”, I’m sure.

  • SK

    This is the time for Pat Robertson to speak up, and condemn that fat wife of his for letting herself go and driving her man into the arms of a harlot.

  • Callyson

    Her: “You better take care of me.”

    Diehl: “Like how?”

    Her: “I’ll bet you’ll figure it out.”

    Diehl: “I dunno. You have always been disappointed;)”

    Why am I not surprised?–n9fJO2t6–/wps5qycnw1uhqycmkl1b.gif

  • pstockholm

    Jesus: Jeez do I have to spell it out? I taught you the numbers, up to three anyway?

    • pstockholm

      Don’t like that?
      ok try “Just trust me here, any human threesome is a totally legit, I’m putting that in my book”.

  • Steverino247

    Our Lady of the Pillar.

    Hmm. Better than Our Lady with Piles.

  • Vecciojohn

    I thought a husband cheating on his wife with a much younger woman WAS a traditional marriage.

  • Vecciojohn

    “Come on, Adam, I gave her boobs and everything. Now leave the fucking tiger alone!”

  • Vecciojohn

    He should have serenaded her with Don’t Let Your Diehl Go Down.

  • docterry6973

    I blame the gays. The good news is that Jeebus will forgive him in time for a late-day press conference.

  • Logic of Color

    So since we’re on the subject of cheating…I commented on Salon earlier today.

    • Msgr_Moment

      It ain’t cheating, cause you’re doing something there that Wonkette won’t let you do with her.

  • borninatrailer

    Utterly impossible to fap to.

    • SK

      Utterly? Adam has that…oh never mind.

    • Blank Ron

      Oh, I dunno, the tiger’s kinda cute.

  • Shalimar

    In the painting, is the one in the robe supposed to be God? Isn’t he usually depicted a lot older, and extremely similar in appearance to Moses?

    Speaking of which, the way Jesus is normally depicted in paintings really doesn’t show any resemblance to the God who is depicted in paintings. Maybe God should petition the court for a paternity test, just to be sure?

    • david green

      I thought that was Jesus and was wondering why he dyed his hair black.

  • HobbesEvilTwin

    must be a day ending in “y”.

  • timpundit

    Man shall not lie down with tigers, as it is an abomination, unless Jesus is nearby creepin’ on yo shit.

  • The Postman

    What do you suppose 80s Kenny Loggins is saying to those naked people?

    • w9anthimos

      “Gonna take it right into the danger zone!”

    • Awesome Man

      Definitely not “Playing with the Boys”

  • Gleem-McShinez

    Image updated for Today’s GOP Scandal

    • Msgr_Moment

      The oft-ignored Eleventh Commandment.

  • RJ (TO)

    I thought banning gay marriage was supposed to make traditional marriages stronger. Someone f*cked up big time.

    • SK

      You must have been living under a rock or something. Legalizing gay marriage is precisely what violated the sanctity of Newt’s three straight marriages, Scot DesJarlais’s marriage, his wife’s abortions, his mistress’s abortion…

      • RJ (TO)

        Not under a rock exactly, but close by.

  • Querolous


  • VandeGraf

    Really, to be fair to John, he didn’t say how many traditional man-woman relationships he can have and still be a righteous prick. Obviously, a few.

  • Tess

    CLEARLY it is the fault of feminism for letting young women think that they can work outside the home and instead get their pretty little heads filled with that there learnin’ and take internships which put them within sexting reach of a healthy married American male. I mean, really, why isn’t she wearing her burkha? Wait, no, that is the wrong repressive religion. Sorry.

  • SterWonk

    Obligatory Betty Bowers for any marriage-hypocracy story.

  • undercover epicurean

    Interns have such low standards as to who’ll they bang these days. Stupid millennials.

    • Mehmeisterjr

      They should observe the Ted Cruz rule and only bang pols from the Major Ivies.

  • I’m torn (but not there) because The Good Wife did a pretty good series of episodes about privacy and politicians that kind of applies here. Okay, I see the distinction. That story had to do with emails between people who were not elected officials at the time of the communications, while one of the parties in this case was elected. Also, the communications happened in the context of the job he was elected to do. So I can have disgust for the meanies who harmed poor Alicia Florick AND have disgust for Speaker Diehl for his two-facedness and inappropriateness! Whew!

  • ThatDale

    It’s like they can’t help themselves.

  • Zhu Bajie

    “There are three things which are too high for me
    And four which I cannot understand:
    The way of a bird in the air,
    The way of a lizard on a rock,
    The way of a ship in the sea,
    And the way of a man with a maid.” — Solomon

  • TundraGrifter
  • Is that Pimpin’ Jesus? (and by the way…that picture isn’t creepy at all…nope, not a bit)

    • It shows Jesus blessing the traditional marriage of one man, one woman and one tiger.

  • Dolmance

    Jesus says, “Fuck that pussy! Fuck that pussy! Fuck that pussy!”

    He did. And we did. And this is how it works.

  • Paperless Tiger

    Jesus: This is Eve.
    Adam: Hi, Eve.
    Eve: Who does your hair?

  • Fly

    His marriage was for the children, the intern was because he thought he could get away with it.

  • Gorillionaire

    Hey Justice Thomas!

  • Celtic_Gnome

    Our esteemed colleague believes that marriage between a man and woman is the gold standard of family raising. Can we assume he’s going to sue for joint custody after his wife serves him?

  • hvdv

    I once dated a man who was fond of using the word “quiver” in bed. That did not last.

    • Virginia Dreaming

      I bet he “quivered” in an. . . tic . . ip . . . ation.

  • DahBoner

    Thanks Missouri House Speaker Republican John Diehl for reminding me…

    I need to make a deposit in Fidelity account….

  • IQdaRadical Thinker

    In their defense…Republican men in a position of power is probably the only way they can be 100% sure of getting laid.

    You have to remember, these people are devoid of any personality, good looks, intelligence, ethics…surely that counts as some form of disability, right?

  • LoveSW_Prequels

    Where do these knuckleheads learn to talk to women? you might be able to actually get some if you weren’t 1. Texting (impersonal & lazy) 2.saying the creepiest most blatant shit ever . They just jam the creep button

  • emw12

    She couldn’t do any better than that ugly fuck?

  • JParkerSD46

    Gimmee an “H”, gimmee a “Y”, gimmee a “pocrite”! What does that spell? “John Diehl”, another Republican horsecock sandwich.

  • Duckler

    I couldn’t get past the Ewww part..

  • RunningWriting

    There’s a good explanation for this. He was influenced by listening to rap. Republican commentators said that the influence of rap lyrics caused those SAE frat brothers to sing gleefully about lynching black students. So why wouldn’t the almighty power of those Rap Lyrics also be enough to bring down a fine upstanding, God-fearing, law-abiding, moral, family values individual such as Mr. Diehl? Rap and music are insidious. They can cause a polite and kind-hearted frat brother to shout out the N-word and chant giddily about lynching them. Mr. Diehl should not be faulted for this moral lapse. It’s actually the fault of… it’s the fault of… oh, yes, I will blame it all on Grandmaster Flash. Or Debbie Harry. Didn’t she sing that rap song “Rapture”? But she’s not black though. I will have to rethink this…

  • Big Googootz

    “God I want you right now” and “will have my way with you … and leave you quivering,”
    Was he quoting TransCanada’s lobbyist for Keystone XL???

  • Coach

    Who’s the intern?

  • deNetherland

    The Devil made me do it! Seems like as good an excuse as any…

  • Pollos Hermanos

    Well isn’t he just the Jesusy Jesus who ever Jesused.

  • SadDemInTex

    So Adam and Eve are naked but God is clothed? Adam is really toned…considering he didn’t have to toil in Eden I find this interesting.

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