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Gonna teach you bitches some manners!

Former Arkansas governor and current traditional values hall monitor Mike Huckabee announced his candidacy for the Republican nomination for president today in Hope, Arkansas, because he is from there, just like Bill Clinton! The theme of the day was “going from Hope to Higher Ground,” because using “hope” as a theme has never been done before, by a presidential candidate from Hope, Arkansas. There was nice uplifting music, like that Tony Orlando stuff Huckabee loves, and quite unlike that whore Beyoncé music the Obamas love, which Mike Huckabee knows is from the devil. Unfortunately, Ted Nugent was not there to help Huckabee sing about bitches’ pussies, BY WHICH WE MEAN KITTY CATS.

In a nice video before Huckabee’s speech, his wife Janet, in a very heartfelt, sincere way, gave her husband ALL the credit for not leaving her when she had cancer. So, Huckabee advances past John Edwards in the Good Guy department, we guess! Mrs. Huckabee also asked the country’s most pressing question: “Is the unborn protected?” Wonkette would also like to ask: Is our unborn learning? But we’re not here to make fun of Janet Huckabee, she’s fairly likable.

The Big Speech!

huckabee2Huckabee finally took the stage, at which point he read Bill Clinton’s campaign announcement speech, THE REMIX, which included a bunch of extra shit about how, unlike Clinton, he learned how to pray facing Nazareth five times a day. He also said he learned as a child in Hope how to shoot a gun, but that he “never thought about using a firearm to murder someone.” Wow, combined with the fact that he didn’t leave his wife when she had cancer, we don’t know if we want to marry, fuck or elect him! For the record, Huckabee really hates the death penalty, but only because he had to kill so many people as Arkansas’s governor. We bet Death Penalty Day was such a drag for him!

Huckabee said we can REALLY fix healthcare if, instead of doing Obamacare to everyone’s grandmother, we were “focusing on cures instead of treatment.” Which is funny, because part of the whole point of Obamacare is to get people insured so that they can actually go to the doctor for preventative care! But you know, details.

Huckabee then said he will totally defeat ISIS and Iran, unlike that pussy Obama, and that he will be super-nice to Israel. He lamented the fact that tyrant Obama is meaner to Israel, when they just want to “build bedrooms in Judea and Samaria,” than he is to Iran, who wants to build nuclear weapons! He also says that Obama is so dumb that he couldn’t “watch a Western from the ’50s and figure who the bad guys and the good guys are!” (HINT: IT IS THE RED INJUNS WHO ARE THE BAD GUYS.)

And of course, Huckabee flicked his tongue all over social conservatives’ ashen G-spots, like a good southern preacher, when he name-checked the “slaughter of over 55 million babies,” and said that the liberals are “criminalizing Christianity” by “abandoning biblical principles of natural marriage.” He wants everybody to remember that “the Supreme Court is not the Supreme Being, and they cannot overturn the laws of nature or of nature’s God!”

After hitting a couple more pleasure spots about immigration, Huck jammed his finger right up against the crowd’s collective prostate by saying he will fight for the fair tax and to eliminate “the biggest bully in America,” the IRS.

And then he finally wrapped up, because the floor was super sticky.

Huckabee’s Prematurely Leaked Announcement

Want to watch Huckabee’s official presidential announcement video? It was “leaked early” (kinda like how Ben Carson “leaked early”) and surprise, the stars of the video are Bill and Hillary Clinton, because (shhhh don’t tell anyone) Republicans have absolutely nothing to run on in 2016 besides Clinton-hate. In the video, Huckabee says that he can totally beat Hillary Clinton, because he’s beat the Clintons before, even though that’s not really, actually, in any way that’s related to the facts, true. Anyway, they’re all from Arkansas, is the point. He also does his little Republican populism thing, and says that he’ll keep “all options on the table” for defeating radical Islam, which means bombs, yay! This would have been a great announcement video, in the year 2002!

A Children’s Treasury Of Huckabee Being Gross And Creepy

All right, now that we’re done with all that, here are some times Mike Huckabee has been weird, gross, prudish, mean, creepy, or other such-like things, just so you know what you’re getting into when Huck steals your heart and your ladyparts by strumming beautiful sex songs at you with his friend Ted Nugent, rendering you unable to NOT vote for him:

What a character! We bet America is really going to fall RIGHT in love with him.

So anyhow, everybody needs to prepare for 2016, starting with quitting the gay sex and the cusses and the slut pills, because those things make your new president uncomfortable in his Down Theres. All hail President Huckabee!

[New York Times]

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  • Nounverb911

    So Huck, are your boyz still torturing dogs?

  • JohnnyZhivago2

    He could take 4-5 states with just the Duggar vote.

  • Don’t forget his work in the releasing of serial rapist and murderer Wayne Dumond.

    • Enfant Terrible
    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      Haven’t bothered to check, but I’m guessing that Wayne was not black.
      (Listen to enough Repuglican talk, and you develop a feeling for these things.)

      • Villago Delenda Est

        Ol’ Wayne was “born again” in prison you see, and once released, he shared his “born again”ness with several other women.

      • Mehmeisterjr

        You would be guessing correctly:

        http://www.murderpedia.org/male.D/d/dumond-wayne-photos.htm

        How could you leave a fella with a sweet, sweet mug like that in durance vile?

  • Don’t forget his work in the releasing of serial rapist and murderer Wayne Dumond.

  • NorthernSaber

    “Huckabee flicked his tongue all over social conservatives’ ashen G-spots, like a good southern preacher… ”

    I’m sorry, but Dorothy Parker herself would have been proud to have written/spoken that wonderful phrase!! Lethal, just lethal!!

  • NorthernSaber

    “Huckabee flicked his tongue all over social conservatives’ ashen G-spots, like a good southern preacher… ”

    I’m sorry, but Dorothy Parker herself would have been proud to have written/spoken that wonderful phrase!! Lethal, just lethal!!

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      I must point out that flicking a tongue over a G-spot takes real talent, and certain physical gifts, that people rarely associate with Mr. Huckabee.

      • BackDoorMan

        … you mean the Huckster *doesn’t* have a lizard tongue? Imagine that…

        • mtn_philosoph

          Like an anteater.

  • Nounverb911

    “sincere way, gave her husband ALL the credit for not leaving her when she had cancer”
    Newt Gingrinch libelz!

  • JohnnyZhivago2

    Will Arkansas be represented in the GOP convention as a state or a military district of greater free Texas?

    • Nounverb911

      Greater Free Texas will be having it’s own elections as they figure how to fend for themselves without all of “Uncle Sugar’s” moneyz.

      • JohnnyZhivago2

        Not sure I agree.. Once the US Army pacifies Texas and Arizona and declare sharia law, I think the plan is to resettle ISIS in the state and basically give them all the money they want…

        • JohnnyZhivago2

          Oops. Did I mention something from the “Jade Helm Phase 2: Texas Caliphate 2015” plan I shouldn’t have????

          • Spotts1701

            Someone missed the 0800 briefing, I see.

          • Amy!

            Tsk.

            In my day, operational security was more than just an onion we hung off our belts!

        • Beaumarchais?

          Works for me!

  • timpundit

    Huckleberry Dimm.

  • Left Coast Tom

    “focusing on cures instead of treatment.”

    What the hell does this even mean? Is this an Obamacare version of being of his realms and morals?

    • Serolf Divad

      Sounds like something he picked up at a faith healers convention.

    • SuspectedDemocrat

      There was a cure mentioned in that Ted Nugent song. Maybe he means that one?

    • Lefty Frizzell

      I think it’s a mashup of treat the disease not the symptoms and focus on prevention rather than treatment, but it’s hard to tell with these guys – it could be something about praying, anti-vaxing or Benghazi.

      • Treg Brown

        Prevention? That sounds a lot like those bullying and rapey vaccinations we all need to avoid for jeebus and Jenny McCarthy.

    • say wha

      Uncle Huckster gonna’ pour some gummiit sugar all over the R&D departments of big pharma.

    • Mehmeisterjr

      It means, “An ounce of prevention is worth a freight train load of Huckabee’s bullshit.” At least, that is the message I draw from it.

    • BackDoorMan

      Perhaps he means the “cures” he happily shills for… like the cinnamon cures diabetes” one.

    • malsperanza

      It means we should stop paying for anyone’s medical needs and instead pour all the money into r&d, enriching big pharma, stockholders, and university patents. Thus, although many millions will die needlessly, eventually there will be cures for everything and those who managed to survive will prosper.

      It makes perfect sense if you’re an evangelical lunatic. Or a member of the caring Republican party.

    • Blank Ron
  • elviouslyqueer

    Huckabee just does not like it when those ladies say the pottymouth words

    Fortunately, I’m no lady. And neither is Samuel L. Jackson, who pretty much sums up everything I have to say about this hillbilly trailer trash:

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c0LBi1MHoaU

  • LarryHoudini

    THIS. Replace the obamanation of Obamacare with a system that simply helps people afford private insurance, and doesn’t exclude people with pre-existing conditions. We can call it Hucklecare.
    Go Mike! (And go to hell, sluts!)

  • MrBlobfish

    America turns it’s lonely eyes to Mike Huckabee. Farts. Pull covers over its head.

    • deanbooth

      Pulls cover over my head!

  • AngryBlakGuy

    …frankly I’m a little disappointed that he didn’t talk about his “Faith” based healthcare replacement for ObamaCare!!!

  • JohnBull

    Focus on cures? Exhibit A: a cinnamon roll that cures diabetes! This guy’s for real, y’all.

  • calliecallie

    This just makes me want to swear!

    • jmk

      But if you are a lady, that is Not Allowed!!

      • nightmoth

        Ladies can still make obscene gestures, right?

        • jmk

          Well, I think they can, but I wouldn’t advise it – it’s awfully hard to stay on that pedestal unless you stand perfectly still. A robust bird-flipping could throw off your balance, and then where would you be?

          • Gleem-McShinez

            Also, you might dislodge the aspirin between your knees!

          • Beaumarchais?

            You say that like it’s a bad thing!

  • Lizzietish81

    I love swearing in French, it’s like wiping your ass with silk.

    • FauxAntocles

      Share!

      • FZsdaughter

        Osti de tapette tabernac, mange ma bitte osti d’kalisse de pourris. Not exactly French, but that’s some pretty nasty Quebecois for you.

        • Blank Ron

          Va t’en!

    • Vecciojohn

      For your meritorious service to La Republique de Wonket, I award you the bras d’honneur. http://www.ooze.com/finger/html/foriegn.html

      • Lizzietish81

        Thanks, but to be fair, it’s a quote from the Merovingian in Matrix Reloaded.

    • Mehmeisterjr

      Putain de merde!

      • Beaumarchais?

        I thought it was spelled poutine.

      • BackDoorMan

        … Vladdy Poot is in the shit?

      • mtn_philosoph
  • exinkwretch

    He leaked early? Sadly, it’s not unusual for men his age to have prostate issues.

    • Nounverb911

      He can always borrow some diapers from David Vitter.

  • FauxAntocles

    When do we get a scorecard for these guys so we can tell them apart?

    • Lizzietish81

      Well so far, Mike is the white guy who isn’t Ron Paul’s clone.

  • Msgr_Moment

    So, is it okay to leave your spouse who has cancer? Wait. I think I’ll ask Pat Robertson. Yeah, that’s the ticket. Um… for a friend, that is.

    • Vecciojohn

      It’s okay. If anyone ever asks you about it – like if you run for President, say – you can claim you were tired from saving America from Bill Clinton and you’ve turned Catholic and you’re really sorry and if it ever happens again you’ll try really hard not to do it this time.

      • AnOuthouse

        plus its ’cause you love ‘Murika so much you can’t bottle it all up inside you.

    • AnOuthouse

      Is your friend Newt Gringrich?

      • Beaumarchais?

        It could be John McCain!

  • fawkedifiknow

    Even the stupid money (all of it, Katie) in the Republican Party won’t find it’s way to this dope.

    • nmmagyar

      The problem for the Koch-based candidates is that with small dollar donations being siphoned off by Huck, they will have to release campaign reports with 5 donors and 3 billion in the bank

  • Bitter Scribe

    “Focusing on cures instead of treatment”? Is that supposed to mean something?

    • Vecciojohn

      Let me check my official Huckabee to English decoder ring.* It means, “Send me your Social Security check, granny, or the homos’ll get you!”

      * $19.99. Frequent Sinners’ Club price: $14.99.

  • AllupinWard4

    I think he’s dreamy… In a Brownbackian sorta way.

  • AnOuthouse

    “Unlike Bill Clinton, I honor working girls, and PAY for my blowjobs”

    • Msgr_Moment

      But where does he stand on the occasional gay blowjob from the buddy in church choir?

      • MrBlobfish

        In that dark corner?

      • Gleem-McShinez

        He’s been married for like, 40 years. So he’s had about 3.5 Pat Robertson-approved homosexual church accidents.

    • Vecciojohn

      Now there is a real Southern gentleman.

  • Bitter Scribe

    Do you think anyone will be rude enough in the debates to ask him how much money he got from the cinnamon-cures-diabetes people?

  • Spotts1701

    I’ve seen “Escape From L.A.” and “The Dead Zone”, so I think I’ll pass on the fire-and-brimstone preacher-turned-President.

  • Nazareth five times a day

    O.K.!

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iZhNW_jKrQY
    ~

  • Tio_Doidinho

    Clearly Huck’s counting on winning over voters through raw animal magnetism.

    • Vecciojohn

      Uh, possums ain’t magnetic.

      • ThatDale

        Maybe they’re like aluminum (?) — you just have to spin them fast enough.

      • eggsacklywright

        Look! The squirrels are all pointing north!

  • Treg Brown

    Which one of these fat assed kids is the fat assed kid who hung, cut the throat of, and stoned a dog to death?

    Also too, “Where was the father”??1!

    • Msgr_Moment

      Maybe it’s the horizontal stripes that are slimming after all.

      • Villago Delenda Est

        I don’t know about that. Those horizontal stripes are going to need a lot of help.

        • celtic_buddha

          Let’s pray to the Lord for help & guidance.

    • Vecciojohn

      Where was the father? On wingnut welfare, of course.

    • say wha

      Glad to see Wonkette took Awkward Family Photos as a new sponsor. Good job, Shy.

    • JVisconti

      I dunno, but there is enough striped fabric there for Christos’ next project to shroud Hoover dam.

    • Gleem-McShinez

      Are we sure it was one of the boys??
      Look at Mom holding the dog’s throat, and Dad pinning the dog with his elbow while gripping the front leg!
      They obviously photoshopped out the dog’s eyes bugging out.

      “I LEARNED IT FROM YOU, DAD!!”

      • BackDoorMan

        … good catch. That pooch looks like he’s screaming. Can’t say I blame him.

  • MrBlobfish

    Mike Huckabee/Other Doughy White Guy 2016 – The Politics Of Failure Have Failed

    • Vecciojohn

      Guy? Guy! I’m the only one doughy enough to beat Hillary! – Carly

  • chascates

    In the same way that many countries have both a Prime Minister AND a President maybe America needs a Pastor-in-Chief as well as Commander-in-Chief/President. Huckabee may be qualified for the first but definitely not for the second.
    As to the persecution of Christians the latest Pew Research poll found 83 percent of Americans identify as Christian, 12 percent as ‘no religion’ (not necessarily atheist), and the remaining 5 percent are Jewish, Muslim, Hindu, Buddhist, and Scientologist.

    • ThatDale

      Perhaps he’s fit to be preacher in chief, but a being a pastor actually involves caring for those in your flock.

    • laineypc

      Well clearly they omitted the most important category: Christian Persecutionists, so they had to answer one of the other categories.

    • Villago Delenda Est

      The principle problem with identifying as “Christian” is that this covers so much ground, ideologically. Everything from Quakers to Dominionists. And within that group, there is a great deal of identification as those outside the immediate tribe as being “heretics”. Once again, the example of the great Emo Phillips comes to mind.

  • BMW
  • dslindc

    Early leaking sounds like it will lead to blowing your wad prematurely, followed by an early exit. So, whatevs with all this “early leaking.”

    • Vecciojohn

      And yet he wonders why his constituents are so sullen and dissatisfied.

  • Vecciojohn

    At long last, Wonketeers, have you no sense of pedestal?

  • Poly_Ester

    Is there room for anyone else in the clown car with the Huckster in it?

    • Treg Brown

      *Chris Christie looks into car anxiously*

    • MOG253

      They rented a party bus to replace the clown car.

  • Treg Brown

    The idea of a “leaking” Huckabee or Ben Carson has put me off breakfast for the rest of the week.
    Thanks Obama.

  • Villago Delenda Est

    This moron has no chance. All you have to do is read this to see why it’s so.

    • Steverino247

      So, you’re saying he can’t carry Washington?

      • Villago Delenda Est

        Then there’s Wayne Dumond…as seen earlier in the comments. Huckabee allowed insane anti-Clinton bullshit to influence his decision to allow Dumond to go free.

        • Beezelbubbles

          You lie!

          Wonkette does not allow comments.

  • Mary Sandoras

    I was watching his speech on CNN, he was getting resounding applause until he talked about getting rid of the AHCA and it got very quiet. I’m thinking his base is liking their Obummercare.

    • Vecciojohn

      And he can damn well keep his govmint hands off it!

  • Gristle McThornbody

    “…liberals are ‘criminalizing Christianity’ by ‘abandoning biblical principles of natural marriage.’ He wants everybody to remember that ‘the Supreme Court is not the Supreme Being, and they cannot overturn the laws of nature or of nature’s God!”’

    Land o’ goshen and my stars! When did we decide to make it illegal for Christians to get married?!? Oh golly, that has just got to stop!

    Ya know what? If being gay wasn’t natural there wouldn’t be gay people. It just naturally happens, Mikey; gay people born from the union of two straight people, almost as if your god planned it that way.

    • I gay married a Christian lady. She’s an Episcopalian church warden and considering training for the priesthood. Her dad has political views closer to Huckabee’s and it blows his mind that his only God-fearing child is the gay one.

  • Poly_Ester

    When Huckabee Care TM cures everyone of everything will they live forever or will there be gold cures, silver cures, and bronze cures depending on your ability to pay?

  • Steverino247

    …he couldn’t “watch a Western from the ’50s and figure who the bad guys and the good guys are!”

    The bad guys are the cattle ranchers. Same as today.

    • nmmagyar

      Bankers also, too

      • Vecciojohn

        It’s the railroads, carnsarn it!

    • Villago Delenda Est

      Monied interests always make for good movie villains, because they’re nearly all the time the actual real life villains.

    • say wha

      The guy in the BLACK hat.

    • Meccalopolis

      just ugly

  • dslindc

    I can’t wait for his replacement for Obamacare: Cinnamoncare™!

  • Callyson

    The theme of the day was “going from Hope to Higher Ground”

    For once, “stand your ground” is a good idea…

  • Callyson

    we don’t know if we want to marry, fuck or elect him!

    None of them, Katie…

  • nightmoth

    Just what international diplomacy needs: a guy who thinks the world is a 60 year old western on his old black and white teevee. American foreign policy = Have Gun, Will Travel

    • Spotts1701

      More like Dusty’s Trail.

      • BackDoorMan

        … I was thinking F-Troop.

        • Blank Ron

          Or Go Go Gophers.

          • BackDoorMan

            … oh man! thanks for the Saturday morning cartoons flashback… I miss that golden age!

  • Vecciojohn

    Shit fuck hell cuntpiss weenie juice butthole cocksucker tits’n’ass boogers.

    (On the Internet, no one knows if you’re a girl or not. BWA-HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!)

  • Joshua Norton

    Eeeesh! And he’s the likable GOP candidate

    • Villago Delenda Est

      He’s got that Marquis de Mittens thing going for him.

      The more you get to know him, the more you come to loathe him.

      • BackDoorMan

        … it’s his demeanor – “de meaner, da better”.

  • ThatDale

    I have to say, Mr. Hurst, the description of Huckles as “traditional values hall monitor” is spot on: a petty self-important sneak who finds it reassuring to boss other people around and who is frustrated when no one takes him seriously.

  • say wha

    Oh, Evan. You silver-tongued devil, you.

  • nightmoth

    The ladies would like their sense of pedestal to include not being treated like fucking idiots over their reproductive systems.

  • Wonkaholic

    He lamented the fact that tyrant Obama is meaner to Israel, when they just want to “build bedrooms in Judea and Samaria,”

    So all this time we’ve been worried about the Judean People’s Front when we should have been paying attention to the Judean People’s Back Bathrooms.

    • Villago Delenda Est

      Yes, they just want to build bedrooms on land that some Palestinian Untermenschen happen to have been living on for centuries.

      • Weldon Thomas

        Lebensraum libel!!!11!

      • HEAVILY ARMED AND FORTIFIED bedrooms.

      • Blank Ron

        מרחב מחיה

  • Biel_ze_Bubba

    So telling these Xtards that they can’t discriminate the way Jeebus taught them to is “criminalizing Christianity”. Who knew?

    • Paperless Tiger

      People are starting to remember why it seemed appropriate to feed them to lions.

      • Land Shark

        Even the lions won’t touch them. Clown car inhabitants cause heartburn.

  • Fly

    Saint Reagan’s big tent is only used for freak shows these days

  • JVisconti

    but who is going inform the public on natural diabetic products once your POTUS Mike?

    • Blank Ron

      The new Secretary of Imaginary Medicine he’ll be appointing to replace Vivek Murthy.

  • House0fTheBlueLights

    Well, I don’t do the ghey because not ghey, and I don’t do the slut pills because old, but the cussing thing….. Well, two outta three ain’t bad.

    • bobbert

      Fuck, yeah.

      • david green

        Watch your language or I’ll report you to Huck.

  • Mavenmaven

    These guys have a serious problem with reality. But I really would like to watch Huck, Fio, Carson, and all the other crazies during their debate, would be as much fun as Fartknocker’s Report.

  • Mehmeisterjr

    Coming this summer: Jerry Lewis as Mike Huckabee in “The Day the Clown Car Cried.”

  • Gleem-McShinez

    “Leaked early?”

    Please tell me his diabeetus cure is NOT a cinnamon enema.

  • sundaytrucker

    Finally…a Jesus loving Southerner announces his bid to run for the Republican nomination….oh wait, that’s all of them so far.

  • Boscoe

    you know who else leaked early…

  • clever_sobriquet

    Cha cha, chaaaain, chain of fools…

  • elpinche

    It’s once again time for Mike Huckabee to eat ALL of the pies at the county fairs from coast to coast.

    • nightmoth

      Except for the hair pies. teehee.

  • 1ucille_bluth1

    I am waiting for that lovely Sarah Palin to announce her candidacy. She’s so pretty.

    • Beaumarchais?

      We can all take pleasure knowing how each of these announcements are eating her alive, as they will for the rest of her life. “It’s the elections that got small!”

    • BackDoorMan

      … you spelled “petty” rong.

  • Fly

    I don’t think Mike Huckabee has a very strong pimp hand with the lady voters.

  • Jen_Baker_VA

    BRING ON THE DEBATES PLEASE. Even the ones on Fox oughta be good this race :D
    We should all vacay in CO or WA for the duration so we can be in the proper mind set when watching them

  • j hentai

    not fair using a person’s actual statements words against him.

    • handyhippie65

      but by using their own words against them, you have a good chance they will know what they mean. mebbe. speech writers and all…

  • Land Shark

    Are there enough seat belts in the GOP clown car?

    • elpinche

      Yes, but no seatbelt big enough for the Huck.

    • handyhippie65

      let’s hope not.

  • Alex Grey

    Santorum Huckabee ’16, for all you frothy gay curious guilty pleasures!

  • sillyclucker

    Huckabeeotch !!! (Just felt like saying that) .

  • dsmith

    There is so much to love!!!Why didn’t he roll out, bad choice of words, his entire family at the announcement?

    • david green

      Sorry, but I thought stripes were supposed to be slimming.

  • handyhippie65

    a couple more nutjobs, and they will need a clown van.

  • Ryan Denniston

    Fyi i assume he is diddling Lady Liberty and not Uncle Sam. I don’t think she has a prostate.

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