God Hates Duck Dynasty Musical, Smites It Like Sodomite

No one could have predicted that a Vegas musical about the loathsome Robertson family -- those jerkwads who hunt ducks and hate homos and believe the only reason people don't go around cutting off dicks is because the Bible says -- would fail harder than Carly Fiorina running a major corporation. (Topical jokes!) And by no one, we mean everyone, even those without God on their speed dial:

A musical based on the family featured in the "Duck Dynasty" reality TV series is closing in Las Vegas, a little more than a month after it opened.

"The Duck Commander Musical," based on the book “Duck Commander Family” by Willie and Korie Robertson, will shut down on May 17 after typically selling less than 100 tickets per performance despite heavy discounting, the Las Vegas Sun reports.

Here is a commercial for the show, with special voice guest appearance by Willie Robertson, inviting you to come see this singin' and dancin' (but not in a gay way) story about his horrible family. Willie's the one who might be Gov. Bobby Jindal's vice president when Bobby Jindal is elected to -- hahahahahah never mind.

Seems like it was only yesterday that we were feigning excitement about this hot new show about how a family of awful nobodies became a family of awful somebodies, with a reality TV show about hunting ducks and having beards. (Disclosure: We have never watched it because we had to shampoo our hair that day, and also watch paint dry, and um, our aunt was sick, but wethinkthat's what the show is about.)

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Yeah, we're astonished that even in Las Vegas, where everyone is drunk and/or high, no one appreciated the appeal of the all-American tale of a family who rose to fame to educate the world about how to have biblically correct sex with your teen bride and also how Jesus hated The Gay, and how blacks sure were happy before the dumb Civil Rights movement came along and ruined all the separate but "equal" funtimes.

Obviously, because God is the head hunter of the universe, the only plausible explanation for the show's utter and complete failure to entice anyone -- even at very discounted prices -- is because God hates the First Amendment and is oppressing the Robertsons' free speech/liberty/whatever rights to make even more money off of being terrible. With jazz hands.

[ HuffPo ]