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Maybe the demon sheep ruined HP.

Carly Fiorina has had a busy couple of decades! There was the 1990s, when she was so tied up she didn’t have a chance to vote, and there was the 2000s, when she thought a good way to get Barbara Boxer’s Senate seat might be to release a commercial full of demon sheep, in order to terrify children and grown-ups alike. And somewhere in there (1999-2005, to be exact) she found time to run Hewlett-Packard straight into the ground. OR DID SHE? (Yes.) BUT REALLY? (Yes.) BUT COULD IT HAVE BEEN SEXISM?

That is the argument laid out in a new book about Carly Fiorina, written by Carly Fiorina, which says that, numbers be damned (very bad numbers, like “18,000 laid off workers,” partially stemming from a disastrous merger with Compaq), the real reason her tenure at HP was so terrible was because she is a lady, and everybody was mean to her:

In an interview with The Hill, Fiorina said members of her own board leaked confidential information to the media to undermine her decisions, though she stopped short of alleging outright sexism. She was the first female CEO of a Fortune 20 company.

“Men understand other men’s need for respect, but they don’t always understand women’s need for respect,” Fiorina said. “The situation that transpired in the boardroom was all about certain board members wanting to protect their position when they felt threatened, because their behavior was against the code of conduct, and they knew that I as a leader would not tolerate that conduct.”

When asked again if she thought underlying sexism contributed to her firing, she said, “There’s no question that women in positions of authority are scrutinized differently, criticized differently and characterized different.”

So it wasn’t sexism, but pssssssst, it was sexism! Now, yr Wonkette is a very pro-woman empire, and we definitely think that Fiorina probably DID have some hurdles to jump, being the first woman in that kind of position. But that doesn’t mean she didn’t ALSO suck. Let’s have some Math Time:

After the 2002 merger the company’s results suffered. Yes, Fiorina did double HP’s revenues by buying Compaq, but at what cost? Let’s take a look at the numbers. In 1999 when she arrived at the company, HP had $42 billion in sales and $3.1 billion in net earnings. When she left in 2005, HP had $87 billion in sales but only $2.4 billion in earnings. In subsequent years HP would become more profitable — to a large degree due to cost cutting by her successor as CEO, Mark Hurd — but the company would never become the moneymaking juggernaut Fiorina promised. Why is that? To a large degree it’s because HP basically traded a slice of its high-margin printer business for a larger share of the lower-margin PC business. For example, in 2004, after the merger and before Fiorina left the company, HP’s printer business produced $24 billion in sales and $3.8 billion in profits, while PCs produced $25 billion in sales, but only $210 million in profits.

There is so much more where that came from! And we are definitely not Math-letes, but we are fairly certain that $3.1 billion is GREATER THAN $2.4 billion. Now, unless hard numbers have a well-documented pro-penis bias, we think that means Carly Fiorina ran Hewlett-Packard into the ground.

But she says NO, because after she was fired, she totally got so many phone calls from big important people, who all were like “Oh, Carly Fiorina, please come work for us, you’re not the worst ever!”

Still, she said President George W. Bush called to offer her a job in his administration the day after she was fired, though she declined to say which one.

Another phone call she received was from the late Apple CEO Steve Jobs. She said he urged her to take her time and not do anything for at least six months. She said Jobs told her HP would “regret” firing her one day.

Hurray, Dubya wanted to give her a job! If she was good enough to work in the Bush White House, she MUST be good. And Steve Jobs told her to stay home for six months, but that HP would be very sad one day for firing her. It sure is a pity Jobs isn’t around these days to fact-check that statement, but why would that even be necessary?

In conclusion, Carly Fiorina is the best at everything, and she has a vagina, not that that matters (except when she says it does), and she is standing tall and proud, ready to do for America exactly what she did for HP: just about kill it dead.

[The Hill / Yahoo! Finance]

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  • MsAnthropesMr

    “Please, whatever you do, don’t come to work for my company – in fact, I’ll pay you to stay home for six months. HP might regret firing you one day, because that means that they’ll have to listen to your inanities when you are running for office.”

    – What Steve Jobs Really Said

    • Vecciojohn

      Carly: Steve, they fired me! What am I gonna doooooooo!?

      Steve: [Holds phone away from ear, makes shoot self in head gesture, sticks out tongue and pretends to puke in shirt pocket.] There, there, Carly, someday you’ll be President and then they’ll be sorry.

  • Nounverb911

    “Bush called to offer her a job in his administration the day after she was fired, though she declined to say which one”
    Ambassador to Chad?

  • MrBlobfish

    Fiorina/Princeton Mom 2016 – We Just Don’t Fucking Care Anymore

  • Callyson
    • Lizzietish81

      It’s only sexism when a Republican woman is held responsible.

      • kindness

        It’s only sexism when they aren’t blaming Hillary for everything.

  • Villago Delenda Est

    Well, I’ll say one thing for her. She sure has a set of balls to make statements that are so easily contradicted by just simply looking at the numbers.

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      She’s got what it takes to be a Republican politician.

  • Lizzietish81

    I wonder how she treats her secretary

    • Villago Delenda Est

      I imagine pretty much the way Sigourney Weaver treated Melanie Griffith in Working Girl

    • MrBlobfish

      Like Moe treats Shemp

    • JohnBull

      I’m thinking a Dabney Coleman-and-Dolly-Parton kind of thing.

    • Mehmeisterjr

      Do you remember Meryl Streep in “The Devil Wears Prada?” That only louder.

  • AngryBlakGuy

  • Virginia Dreaming

    Ms Fiorina must have heard Jobs wrong, what he really said is that Apple will regret HP firing her.

  • Toomush_Infer

    So, in other words – Women can only fail at big jobs, like CEO or President, so why bother to listen to them, anyway? Have you thought this argument through, Carly? Thought so….

  • Me not sure

    Time to check politics off of the list too.

    • BackDoorMan

      … apparently Carly had the prescience of mind to know she’d end up a failure. Albeit a well-compensated failure… “here, take these millions and GTFO, you’ve done enough damage to the company.”

  • stevola

    Heck of a job, Carly!

  • SuspectedDemocrat

    Then Steve Jobs told her she can cure cancer by eating apples.

    • Lascauxcaveman

      Heh, even a “genius” can’t be right all the time.

  • Virginia Dreaming

    If Ms. Fiorina was really a good, republican businessperson she would have started the HP payday loan division.

    • nmmagyar

      And a for-profit college

    • eggsacklywright

      Needs moar Jesus.

  • shastakoala

    This is a book right? Not an affidavit?

  • Tallmutha

    “There’s no question that women in positions of authority are scrutinized differently, criticized differently and characterized differently. Take that bitch Barbara Boxer and her yesterday hair, for instance.”

    • Me not sure

      O wad some Pow’r the giftie gie us
      To see oursels as ithers see us!
      It wad frae mony a blunder free us,
      An’ foolish notion:
      What airs in dress an’ gait wad lea’e us,
      An’ ev’n devotion!
      “To a Louse” / Robert Burns

      • eggsacklywright

        Bravo, laddie or lassie.

      • Toomush_Infer

        If Seniorrrrita Fiorrrina had any self-awarrreness, ehh?…

        • Villago Delenda Est

          You’re asking for a great deal there. Sorta violates the CEO club code.

          • Toomush_Infer

            Mostly, I just wanted to roll some Rs….

  • Biel_ze_Bubba

    If HP wasn’t selling printer ink for $100 an ounce, they’d have no profits at all.

  • Angry_Cop

    Again: Fiorina did such a great job at HP that the employees tore down and set her portrait ON FIRE the day she left.

    • Mehmeisterjr

      You can’t buy people skills like that.

    • OctopiRage

      They had to, it’s not like they could print out her portraits.

  • Poly_Ester

    “Stay at home” isn’t a sexist remark, that’s for sure.

  • Ryan Denniston

    Party of personal responsibility my ass. Oh and Dubya offering you a job? I don’t think it means what you think it does.

  • JohnBull

    Ms. Fiorina: regarding HP, you didn’t build that. The tens of thousands of people you fired did. Thank you providing more evidence that this career-ladder bullshit was always a farce.

  • Mehmeisterjr

    The buck stops way, way, way, way, waaaaay over there. No, further yet. Further. Yeah. Waaqaaaaay over there.

  • schmannity

    Claim discrimination and play the victim card and divide us instead of unite us just like a Democrat. Wait, whut?

  • Joshua Norton

    President George W. Bush called to offer her a job in his administration the day after she was fired

    All the White House ashtrays were full.

    • OctopiRage

      Also, too a toilet was backed up.

    • Biff52

      Sammich Czar!

    • chicken thief

      Me and Dubya agree on something – Carly ain’t so ugly that we wouldn’t let her blow us.

      • ohpaleasegivemeabreak

        But but but have you looked at that image above? What is that hideous growth on her lower lip??

        Are you SURE you wanna let that lip go there?

        • chicken thief

          Ah, clearly I ain’t that picky. Besides, you gotta love a rich woman that re-purposes an old bed spread into a functional business jacket.

      • Toomush_Infer

        But it would take a long long time, and you’d have to look away a lot…and earmuffs, don’t forget the earmuffs….and…..lots of drugs….and….

    • BackDoorMan

      … and he needed help looking for WMD’s in the Oval Office… Dubya kept going around in circles trying to find the corner Cheney told him to sit in.

    • Beaumarchais?

      Those sammiches won’t make themselves.

  • Biff52

    Yeah, laying low for awhile did fuck-all for Jobs’ longevity, too.

  • Biff52

    I heard Judith Miller trying to deflect blame, too.

    • Villago Delenda Est

      I’m shocked, shocked!

    • Joshua Norton

      Judith Miller’s new book contains so much horse shit, she should be promoting it on Animal Planet.

      • Blank Ron

        *rimshot!*

    • Mehmeisterjr

      Stewart sliced her up a treat.

      • BackDoorMan

        I loved it when Jon rebutted one in a long line of her idiotic statements with the *very* measured… “I WHOLEHEARTEDLY disagree…” The look on Judith’s face was priceless – very much the picture of gob-smacked. Which is pretty much how she appeared during the entire interview. I’m willing to bet she pink-slipped her publicist the minute the cameras stopped rolling.

        • dshwa

          Welllllll, if you’re dumb enough to believe “Curveball”, Cheney, and Rummy’s intelligence information, then you’re probably dumb enough to go on Stewart’s show and not realize it’s not going to be the slow pitch softball you get on networks and 24 hr channels.

          • BackDoorMan

            Yeah, there’s that. But I also get the sense that Jon has found his own “bucket list” now that he’s leaving TDS. What does he have to lose by putting a minor celebrity on the hot seat? Also, too – he could be positioning himself for his next gig as “intellectual Interviewer”. We haven’t see many of those lately.

          • dshwa

            The went extinct when Tim Russert died.

  • chicken thief

    ““There’s no question that women in positions of authority are
    scrutinized differently, criticized differently and characterized
    different.”

    We have two ‘differently’s’ and one ‘different’. Clearly the board were just grammar Nazis.

    • AnOuthouse

      It would be being polite to characterize Carly as ‘different’

  • AnOuthouse

    “That Carly lady is good singer and Barney needs a new dog sitter. Maybe she would sing to him when she walks him”

    –G.W. Bush “Decision Points” pg 234

    • VandeGraf

      I’m holding out for bathroom attendant.

  • VandeGraf

    Carly might have been the first female CEO of a Fortune X company, but having proceeded to put it into a nose dive one might say she was the first female CEO of said Fortune X to fail. We don’t need those skills in Washington.

  • Serolf Divad

    “…she said President George W. Bush called to offer her a job in his administration the day after she was fired, though she declined to say which one.”

    Well, if Fiorina’s gonna set ’em up like that, of course I’m gonna knock ’em down:

    I’m speculating… and mind you, this is just speculating.. that Fiorina was offered either the job of that guy in the kitchen who makes the cantaloupe balls with that thing that looks like a miniature ice cream scoop, or she was offed the chance to head up FEMA.

    • Reddishrabbit

      FEMA wil deal with the crisis as soon as the workers arrive from China. It saved so much money W to outsource them.

    • Mehmeisterjr

      She would have fit right in at the Bush2 Administration, no matter what job she did. Dubya, Cheney, Rummy, Wolfie, Condie – unrepentant fuckups all.

      • dshwa

        Unrepentant Fuckups is the name of my garage band tribute band.

    • Beaumarchais?

      “Heck of a job, Carly!”

  • chicken thief

    “… was all about certain board members wanting to protect their position
    when they felt threatened, because their behavior was against the code
    of conduct, and they knew that I as a leader would not tolerate that
    conduct.”

    Yes, Carly, those delicate flowers on the board – the board that hired and fired you, were intimidated by you.

    • jmk

      From what I understood, they hired her because she wasn’t threatening to them…well, that and the fact that she was probably seen as a useful token.

      Carly’s inability to recognize what sexism actually looks like is probably why she’s a Republican in the first place.

  • Reddishrabbit

    So, she couldn’t handle her board (always makes me think of 30 Rock episode with the board), but she can handle other Republicans and Democrats? That makes sense…in GOP world!

  • Steverino247

    Yeah, let’s elect Carly Fiorina. Because Bush and Cheney, despite desperate attempts to auger in the United States, weren’t able to actually wreck it.

  • chicken thief

    So she claims sexism led to her dismissal, but she immediately got job offers. From men. Men hate her because she is so successful they feel threatened by her, but they love her because she’s so successful! I think I’m following this…not! Besides, sexism in the workplace is so Mad Men. That shit went out in the ’60’s.

    So sorry, folks, I ain’t buying her story. But I bet she has really perky nipples.

    • MrCanoehead

      Well, she was the titular head.

      • Mehmeisterjr

        I love groaner puns.

  • SK

    It now makes total sense why she’s a Republican. It was to gain respect from Herman Cain.

    • guppy06

      “You want the job, don’t you?”

  • Flashman

    I am sure there are some good CEOs out there, but–having known a bunch–they are congenitally lying, arrogant, cocksure, un-self-reflective or self-critical greed head socio-psychopaths. Maybe Carly Fiorino was the exception…hahahahaha!

    • Villago Delenda Est

      The guy who runs CostCo is reviled on the Street for not having proper CEO qualities.

  • tinker12

    Carly, God, what is that make-up? Soooooo yesterday–http://www.salon.com/2010/06/09/carly_fiorina_open_mic_barbara_boxer_hair/.

    • BackDoorMan

      … now I understand the expression… “she had a face like 40 miles of bad road…”

  • geoffalnutt

    Oh, come on Carly! Grow some f*ckin’ balls. Ann Coulter did.

  • Mehmeisterjr

    My initial reaction to her Fun-with-Creative-Accounting explanation of how she “grew” the company was to assume that she is intentionally muddying the waters. Now, I wonder if she simply does not understand the concept of profit margin. So weasel or idiot or both?

    I do think she has a valid point about sexism. It is unfair that an unqualified female Republican weaselidiot does not have the same opportunity to become President as the equally unqualified male Republican weaselidiots. Some day, with the help of God and something, something, blood of tyrants, something trickle something, I pray we will see that change.

    • Bitter Scribe

      She says “revenues doubled” under her watch. Of course they did, because she had H-P buy another major company! Any idiot can buy an increase in revenue and market share, if they can persuade someone even dumber to lend them the money. The key is what happens after the acquisition.

      • Mehmeisterjr

        I forget what happened to HP’s price per share during Carly Fiorina’s tenure. It went up, way up, right? Wait, what? The Invisible Hand has it in for women.

  • Bitter Scribe

    “The situation that transpired in the boardroom was all about certain board members wanting to protect their position…There’s no question that women in positions of authority are scrutinized differently, criticized differently and characterized different.”

    Yeah, that mean, sexist board, led by chairman Patricia Dunn.

    Uh, wait…

    • You and your facts. Tsk. Getting in the way of a perfectly good excuse!

  • georgiaburning

    “Accountability” and “ownership” are for little people.

    • dave.lefevre

      The cult of the CEO is alive and very well.

  • Boscoe

    So… once again a Republican who failed at their jerb was secretly awesome at it, which we would’ve known if it weren’t for those meddling other people who weren’t THEM, pointing out facts and such that just happen to make them look bad. Amazing how that keeps happening!

  • Tendernob

    Is sexism responsible for her botched face lift?

    • guppy06

      Botch-ulin toxin?

    • Bubbles

      I can’t hardly stand looking at her. But she seemed evil and mean before. Now they’ve peeled away a layer and she seems even more evil and mean.

  • beatbort

    “Another phone call she received was from the late Apple CEO Steve Jobs.”
    JOBS: Hi, Carly, heard you got fired…
    CARLY: Wait, what, I heard you were dead
    JOBS: I am, and apparently so is your career
    CARLY: Who is this REALLY?
    JOBS: Steve Jobs, and you need one now, don’t you?
    CARLY: I’m calling the police.

  • brbr2424

    Poor Carly. When you get dumped or fired from your job, friends always say he, or she, or the company will rue the day they let such a winner go. That’s what friends do.

    • Blank Ron

      Friends, or (in this case) competitors who are laughing up their sleeves at her.

    • akita96th

      Maybe Carly hasn’t learned that is is better to swallow than to be a spitter.

  • chascates

    She always looks like the surgeon did her face lift just a little too tight.

    • Mehmeisterjr

      Or maybe when he did the operation he was a little too tight.

  • Fly

    Men can be such bastards and it still does not change the fact Carly Florina is a lousy business executive and a worse politician.

    • Not to mention that the rampant sexists on the board only paid her 20 million dollars to get lost! If she’d been a male CEO it would have been 30 million!

    • akita96th

      Why am I not surprised that former CEOs and the like always think they would make great politicians because they think government should make a profit at the expense of the people that that the government represents. To them the government should take care of corporations and corporations will take care of people…But alas that is only GOP propaganda…CEO politicians strip government of all its services except the servicing part of taking care of them at the top.(subsidies,large tax breaks etc)…That is why they run for office ..not to help the people but to help their people….

  • guppy06

    So the CEO of a multinational corporation (deliberately?) doesn’t understand the difference between “gross” and “net?”

    Women, amirite?

  • dave.lefevre

    We can’t elect her. Carly’s ego covers 4 counties. The secret service detail to cover all that area alone would sink the government into bankruptcy.

  • FlownOver

    Well, I guess that makes her the sexist for playing the gender card.

    [See? We can all have fun with this!]

  • FlownOver

    Jobs was just afraid she’d take down the whole tech sector if she took another position.

  • Greg Comlish

    Maybe the men didn’t respect Carly because the vast majority of large corporate mergers destroy wealth and executives only implement them when they are out of ideas and looking for opportunities to pillage company assets and give themselves a huge bonus.

    • bobbert

      Whaddaya mean “organic revenue growth”?

  • CripesAmighty

    “Carly Fiorina–Because Failure Is Always An Option.”

  • Why did you use a photographic reconstruction of an eunuch from the 10th Century Byzantine Empire to illustrate your post?

  • dshwa

    The problem with paying a CEO a gagillion dollars to go away is that it lets the CEO keep thinking they did an awesome job.

    • dave.lefevre

      Carly has such an ego problem that I doubt that the golden parachute inflated it all that much.

  • makarov123

    One thing HP did that made the least sense to me was spinning off their test equipment and other non-computing businesses into Agilent. While generating much lower revenue than computers, servers, and printers, all the equipment Agilent made was highly profitable with huge margins.

    Recently, Agilent spun off the electronic / RF measurement stuff from life sciences.

  • cageysea

    “… we definitely think that Fiorina probably DID have some hurdles to jump, being the first woman in that kind of position. But that doesn’t mean she didn’t ALSO suck…”

    Let a Conservative make this same argument about President Obama (and they have), and the first and, frankly, only response from the Left is the shrill, shrieking screed of “Racism!”

    Gotta love the endless duplicity of the Left.

    • billr

      That’s because most of animus aimed at the President by Republicans and their rabid base of voters was racially driven. We aren’t blind or deaf. Most of us seen what was going on, on right wing blogs/sites and social media that carried over to Republican politicians, especially the hate group Teabaggers. If I had time and room I could list hundreds of examples, including teabagger protest signs.

      • Mercer can’t hit RHP

        You LIBTERDZ are comical. List 10 examples.

      • Brutus974

        shorter billr: “You’re raaaccciiisssttttt!”

  • wilsonsandy2

    she is definitely one you need to vet. just because shes a woman doesn’t make her a president of america. my instinct tell me that she is not right for the job. i am a pretty good judge of character and i don’t think miss fiorina is deserving of this position. you must read more about her. what i have read is not good. also what her character when she speaks. she seems evil to me. not sincere not caring just eager to have power. another hillary clinton on the right side now.

    • Bubbles

      Cluster B personality disorder. Probably psychopath. No conscience, no regrets, lots of confidence despite failures, manipulates the empathy of others while lacking any of her own, seeks dominance and power, doesn’t really care about the affect it has on anyone else. Because psychopathy is primarily a genetic trait it means she’ll never change and never be cured. The best strategy for every one is to steer clear of her as best one can. If one is not a psychopath, it takes really great skill, competence, knowledge, intelligence and experience to deal with these kind of people – because they have a life time spent honing their skills at fooling and manipulating people, while the rest of us run into these people only about 4% of the time.

  • Christopher C

    The figure is actually 30,000 laid off workers and Hewlett Packard had to split Compaq into a separate division again because they should never have been merged to begin with.Fiorina was far too aggressive and her tactics failed because they weren’t well thought out and she rightfully was fired.The company has yet to recover

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