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Conservatives have yet to uncover The Scandal that will, once and for all and forever, destroy history’s greatest monsters, Bill and Hillary Clinton. Not for lack of trying — for decades, with a bazillionteen dollars, and an army of rightwing organizations dedicated to inspecting every scrap of toilet paper that ever wiped a Clinton’s butthole. And not without the aid of the media, even the “liberal” media like the New York Times, always happy to imply that if the Clintons drew a breath, it was perhaps illegal, immoral, unethical, or too horrifically X-rated to explain to the children.

And yet, after all this time, all the lawsuits, all the congressional hearings, all the unclever uncute Maureen Dowd columns, the only wrongdoing we have on record is that Bill Clinton lied about a blowjob. That, sadly, is not enough to shame Hillary Clinton into seclusion forever, even though it should be. The most recent “gates” since she declared her candidacy for president have failed to force her to delete herself from the public — hungover incognito pandergate, tipgate, parkinggate — and dissipated into a puff of No One Cares, and Rand Paul’s internet begging for Hot Tips on Clinton doing Something Bad haven’t turned up anything (yet).

So now it’s time to “get creative!” and unapologetically make shit up. Take it away, Myra Adams at the National Review!

Imagine a scandal that would force Hillary Clinton to drop out of the 2016 presidential race. A scandal so egregious that it would dissolve her donor base and trigger the Clinton’s loyal cabal of defenders into saying “enough,” while the mainstream media demanded that Hillary withdraw from seeking her party’s presidential nomination. […]

What follows is a reality-based political exercise (that might even contain some future headlines) exploring the outer limits of the exceptionally high tolerance level for Clinton scandals among most Democrats and their media allies.

You mean, like an allegation that she murdered her former friend and law partner, Vince Foster, and made it look like a suicide? That kind of scandal? Or perhaps that her aide and likely lesbian lover, Huma Abedin, is a secret terrorist member of the Muslim Brotherhood, who infiltrated the Obama administration to undo America, with Hillary knowingly chuckling in the background? Well, yes, please do keep those potential and not yet fully explored scandals in mind, but let us also imagine bigger:

But what if WikiLeaks revealed that the Russians were blackmailing Hillary? What if Putin threatened to release Mrs. Clinton’s most damaging “personal” e-mails — knowing full well their contents could derail her campaign? Then, in order to salvage her presidential hopes, Mrs. Clinton secretly agreed that the Russians could “peacefully expand” into all of Ukraine and the Baltics once she was elected president?

Remember, this is a “reality-based” exercise, and while we don’t have any evidence to back this up yet, it is certainly possible — nay, likely — that Hillary Clinton’s personal email is littered with so much damning evidence of her nefarious “questionable activity, high-stakes international influence-peddling, destruction of evidence, and alleged improprieties,” that it is easy to assume Russia hacked the White House computer system, not because countries are always spying on each other, but because Putin himself knew the best way to take over the world was to blackmail Hillary Clinton. It’s quite obvious, if you’re willing to imagine it.

But no, the media would surely ignore such evidence that does not exist. Perhaps it would investigate this reality-based scenario:

[A] secret video showing Bill Clinton cavorting with underage sex slaves on “Orgy Island,” an infamous Caribbean retreat owned by convicted-pedophile Jeffrey Epstein.

Because we know for a fact that Bill Clinton had extramarital affairs with consenting adults, the logical conclusion is that there is probably a video of him banging underage sex slaves. But alas, the media would probably ignore a Bill Clinton sex tape (you know how easily the media tires of Clinton sex scandals). So:

Since Russian blackmail and island sex-slave scandals are not enough to oust the Clintons, how about that good ol’ American tradition of income-tax fraud?

Because some of the Clinton Foundation’s charities are revising five years’ worth of tax returns, it’s obvious that such errors were intentional and fraudulent, even though the Clintons will “certainly find a way to downplay any complicated tax scandal with the predictable excuse that ‘our accountant did it.'” Those brave and unbiased souls in the media, like National Review imagineer Myra Adams — whose experience includes working on the “creative team” for George Bush’s 2004 campaign — know that any incorrectly reported taxes from the Clinton Foundation were obviously prepared by Bill and Hillary personally, and deliberately, and demonstrate that all of their tax filings, business and personal, are fraudulent. Not that they’d ever be caught:

Then of course, there is no chance that Obama’s highly politicized IRS would have the incentive, or the guts, to audit the Clintons. After all, a Hillary presidency is Obama’s best shot at maintaining a legacy.

So because imaginary blackmail, sex slaves, and tax fraud will never undo the Clintons because the media refuses to do its job of investigating any and all “reality-based” creative exercises, there is but one chance left for conservatives to force Hillary Clinton to withdraw from the election in “disgrace”:

Unfortunately for our nation, the Clintons know how to play all the angles from every angle.

Therefore, I have concluded that nothing short of a murder conviction would force Hillary to drop out of the 2016 presidential race.

With that in mind, the GOP should launch a full investigation of the infamous Clinton body count, a long list of all their dead “friends” and associates. (I think that was a joke.)

Yes, that is quite the joke. One that we are willing to imagine might be taken seriously before the 2016 presidential election is over. Because the evidence is out there, somewhere, that proves how truly evil the Clintons are, just waiting to be unearthed. It’s been the “reality-based” fantasy of conservatives for all these decades, after all. Doesn’t that prove it?

[National Review / Reuters]

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  • SuspectedDemocrat

    At this point, Hillary needs to hold a press conference nervously denying that she is a lizard person, and and asking if the press would please refrain from attempting to remove her human costume skin.

  • Biel_ze_Bubba

    I got one of those “Clinton Body Count” chain emails that circulate in the wingnuttosphere. Pretty clear that they’re right up there with Stalin, Mao, and Pol Pot.

    • Villago Delenda Est

      Exqueeze me? No mention of that nice Mr. Hilter?

      • Biel_ze_Bubba

        Didn’t want to go Godwin right out of the gate.

        • Celtic_Gnome

          Why not? It didn’t take them long to come up with Hitlery.

  • TrufflePig58

    Hillary’s unstoppable! Not even made up shit can derail the avalanche of Hillary! She’s going to be just like Bill and we’ll have 8 years of relative prosperity and peace. SHE MUST BE STOPPED!

  • jmk

    Myra’s revenge porn fiction is still a better love story than Twilight.

    But that’s the best I can say about it.

    • Whale Chowder

      Also beats 50 Shades of Grey.

      Wait, let me rephrase that…

  • Me not sure

    Scoop!

    • Me not sure

      Everything is her fault, Obama off the hook.

      • Biff52

        Here’s what she’s hiding:

      • BackDoorMan

        … why do I get the feeling the National Enquirer is required reading over at Fux Noise? That way the talking bobble-heads they employ can say… “it’s been reported…” before repeating some wackadoodle fantasy so beloved by their knuckle-dragging demographic.

  • freakishlystrong

    Then of course, there is no chance that Obama’s highly politicized IRS
    Another dingleberry that will live on in the conservative history of whatever the fuck country they’re in.

  • Nounverb911

    I read on the internets that Myra was rejected by the White House’s Intern Selection Committee in the 90’s.

  • freakishlystrong

    What, we haven’t started calling Bernie a card carrying commie yet?

  • memzilla

    “What if Putin threatened to release Mrs. Clinton’s most damaging “personal” e-mails …”

    Well, that’s what’s called an Empty Threat, because if that happened, Hillary’s usefulness to Putin would be destroyed, and she would know it.

    Seriously, wingtards, get your word-whoring together… at least read a couple of John LeCarré novels before you buy that ticket on the Conspiracy Express to Crazytown.

  • MrBlobfish

    And he will hold the emails ransom for… ONE MILLION DOLLARS!

  • Ricky Gay

    al sharpton!1!1!

    • MrBlobfish

      You don’t have Holder to kick around anymore.

  • spends2much

    As George Kostanza once said; “It’s not a lie if you believe it”.

  • MsAnthropesMr

    What in the everlovin’ fuck? I think this just proves that the GOP has lost for the foreseeable future – I can’t imagine a more desperate attack with theoreticals.

    • Amy!

      It’s pretty funny to read, if you read every sentence in the old Saturday Night Live “Compulsive Liar” character’s voice.

      (Also works for the Baltimore PD’s statements, btw)

  • Toomush_Infer

    In other words – if nothing will keep Democrats from voting Democrat in the 2014 elections…..we’re fucked!….

    • Nounverb911

      Hopefully they will show up in 2016 not like they didn’t in 2014.

      • Toomush_Infer

        Well, not quite as much gerrymandering in presidential elections, maybe…

  • Me not sure

    Totally beside the point, but my wife just called me an adorable little shitbag. What am I doing right / wrong?

    • Date night!

      • Me not sure

        I smell a hint of truth here.

  • Had I known twenty five years ago that a degree in imagineering could lead to paid gigs I never would have dropped out to focus on my haiku.

    • MrBlobfish

      I know. Sucks, right?

    • Toomush_Infer

      Imagineering
      a butterfly
      that turns into squirrel shit…

    • Viva La Tabula Raza

      Begging the question
      Why is your chosen verse form
      Not comment format?

      • batteries are dead
        wireless keyboard nightmare
        a ball gag of sorts

        • Viva La Tabula Raza

          “wireless keyboard nightmare”
          I guess you are pronouncing it “why-er”?

    • Vecciojohn

      Just keep throwing shit
      At the wall. Some of it will
      Stick to her in time.

  • Viva La Tabula Raza

    What if my aunt had testicles?

    • Nounverb911

      Lindsey is that you?

    • MrBlobfish

      Uncle Mary? Is that you?

      • Toomush_Infer

        Good morning….

  • Mary Sandoras

    A black president and now a potential female president. There is just not enough smelling salts to go around.

  • MrBlobfish

    Remember that time? When Hillary was like Secretary of State? And she met with Putin? And she like had to go to the bathroom? And Putin was all like Cool, Hilz Whatevs? And then she went to the bathroom? And Putin was like totally going through her purse and shit? Then he found her diary and started reading it? The he heard her flush and was like Oh Shit and tried to put it back but he couldn’t get the purse open? And then he was like Oh Shit Hillary is going to totally know I read her diary? And then he blackmailed her?

  • Toomush_Infer

    oooohhhh!!!! I got one! I got one! What if Hilary stepped out of her luxury limousine and stepped on a crippled Iraq War Veteran with PTS, who was selling pencils to pay off his payday loan, and then called him Carly Fiorini in passing on her way into Wall Street….? No?….Fuck this is hard….

    • jenn

      Pretty close, NYT said that Bill Clinton stepped out of his SUV, spreading his arms for the secret service to put on his jacket”, then they referred the secret service as his “chaffeur” (and had to print a correction).

      and don’t forget HRC parked her SUV (even though she’s so out of touch she doesn’t drive) in a handicapped zone, and then the NYT the other day mentioned HRC’s fundraiser full of hedge fund donors.

      So yup. Done.

      • Toomush_Infer

        See whadimean?…

        • jenn

          Been seeing that s–t ever since they pointed out in 2008 that while campaigning for Obama, even though Hillary “said Obama’s name 9 times she didn’t say his name warmly enough” OH YES, THAT’S RIGHT.

    • MrBlobfish

      Is Hillary in a frat now?

  • Viva La Tabula Raza

    It would be irresponsible not to speculate?

  • Fitzgerald Chesterfield

    Well, if she wasn’t so damned secretive, we wouldn’t have to play these games of make-believe!

  • JMPesq

    Mrs. Clinton and Principal Skinner were in the closet making babies and I saw one of the babies and the baby looked at me.

  • Viva La Tabula Raza

    What if she did something really horrible, like supporting payday loan usurers in their quest to fleece ignorant military members and their families of their hard earned pay? That would be awful.

  • Viva La Tabula Raza

    What if she were found out to be secretly half blah?

    • Toomush_Infer

      Well, she’s already married to a blah man- have you heard his sax?…

    • Biff52

      I don’t know-being a Sekrit Jew hasn’t seemed to hurt her much.

  • FauxAntocles

    What if the Mystery Machine pulls up to a crosswalk as a bunch of pre-schoolers are crossing and Hillz is at the wheel and there are cameras all around cuz that’s what James O’Keefe does all day and then Hillz starts laughing an evil laugh and then she hits the gas and squishes the little children and just keeps driving and doesn’t even stop when the cops try to pull her over?

    • Toomush_Infer

      Those kids shoulda had guns….

    • cousin itt

      But Hillz scores bonus points for taking out a set of twins and a ginger.

    • House0fTheBlueLights

      Then on Tuesday…

  • Vecciojohn

    She turned me into a newt. That ought to count for something.

    • Viva La Tabula Raza

      Did you get better?

      • Toomush_Infer

        Well, she’s still a witch….

  • MrBlobfish
    • Antonin Dvorak

      You mean the one that is both standing next to Ted Cruz and smiling?

  • Gristle McThornbody

    Om. Om. Om. Nope, it’s not gonna help.

    Jesus Frederick Christ, this it how it’s going to be, isn’t it? These assholes are going to use their tried and true tactic of saying any goddamned thing they can think of, the truth being completely irrelevant, just to get a message planted somewhere. Then it can be repeated. Then it can be repeated and sent around as the truth by fucking idiots who never bother to fact check anything that their reliable wingnut friends have sent them, urgently instructing them to forward the message to as many of their true American, patriotic friends as they can.

    The problem is, it works.

    Well, there went my good mood.

    • JD Mulvey

      Sadly, it won’t just be right wingers repeating this garbage. It’ll eventually come full circle and be repeated by supposed progressives who’ll “never vote for Hillary” because she’s so “slimy”/”bitchy”/etc..

      • jenn

        progressives love to s–ttalk hrc, especially using misogyny and RW talking points. Their display in 2008 was the last time i referred to myself as a “liberal” and the word “progressive now bristles my skin.

        • JD Mulvey

          The most hateful one was the “Bill Clinton’s a racist” smear –and it didn’t even originate on the right, it came from our supposed allies.

          • jenn

            It was very hard for me to vote democrat after that.

          • JD Mulvey

            The Democratic Party is not a monolith –it’s simply a collection of people who say that they’re Democrats at a particular moment in time.

            Some Democrats deserve your scorn, but blaming “the Democrats” doesn’t make sense.

          • jenn

            Well, at the end, the party never acknowledged the other candidate being a woman and receiving the most votes of anyone in any primary, and that was the D party. I’m of color *and* female, and felt that was in order. I also felt a ramping down of the rhetoric was in order but that never occurred. That and some other stuff. I still voted D, but felt pretty disgusted.

          • JD Mulvey

            The way people like David Axelrod and others treated the Clintons was horrible –they were nicer to Bush!

            But Bill and Hillary Clinton shrugged off the smears –as personally painful as they must’ve been –and worked their tails off to get Obama elected twice.

            We need to follow their example.

          • jenn

            Even FOX news was nicer! lol. Crazy.

            Yeah, i got over it a couple years later, just took time. I’d volunteered for the party for quite some time believing they were “the party for women”, so it was a surprise to me when i saw it wasn’t as much as the case as I thought. I get it now and accept both the lack of respect for women and that parties are just power players, people don’t really matter so much. lol.

          • JD Mulvey

            Note also that the only opponent for the Democratic nomination, at least so far, is Bernie Sanders, who has always said extremely complementary things about Hillary Clinton. He’s had very definite criticisms on policy grounds, which is fair game, but he is never going to engage in misogynistic and/or personal attacks. He’s got too much integrity.

            If somebody else gets in, we’ll see.

          • jenn

            He does indeed. I like him. I like hilz but if i could snap my fingers for who to be prez, i’d have a hard time choosing! :O! :D.

          • Steverino247

            Seriously? You have a hard time voting for Democrats compared to Republicans?

          • jenn

            i’m in ny, i can skip whatever part of the ticket i don’t like without it making any difference ever.

  • cousin itt

    Mu, how the GOP does luv them some political snuff porn.

  • CrashGordon1

    “…exploring the outer limits of the exceptionally high tolerance level for Clinton scandals among most Democrats and their media allies.”

    To paraphrase, “the Democrats don’t seem to be bothered by all the shit we make up.”

    • BackDoorMan

      Somebody is “exploring the outer limits”, but I don’t think it’s the Democrats and their (unproven) media allies.

  • BearGHAZI

    News articles that prompt the reader to ‘imagine’ are usually the best ones

    • Mehmeisterjr

      They’re the easiest ones to fact-check.

      • Blank Ron

        On the off-chance someone decides to fact check something.

    • jmk

      Journamalism!!

    • BackDoorMan

      I always wondered why horoscopes were printed in newspapers, now I know. Thank you.

  • Toomush_Infer

    Wait! Didn’t she say she was a hero lieutenant on some cruiser on a river in Viet Nam…..

  • Joel Abrams

    What Kind of Scandal Would Force Myra to Withdraw Her Sexualized Obsession With Hillary Clinton?

    Let’s get creative!

    • Mehmeisterjr

      If she photoshopped Michelle Obama’s head onto the body of the other Myra Adams… Nah, that would just make her a heroine at the NR.

    • Mehmeisterjr

      If she got high on the fumes from the hairspray that is evidently holding her head together and ran down the street naked proclaiming herself to be God and then dry-humped a tree and then decided she was Thor… Nah, that would just make her an honorary citizen of Florida.

      This game is tough!

      • Joel Abrams

        Thanks for playing! You’ve been a wonderful contestant and we have some lovely parting gifts for you.
        My personal preference would be some “found footage” (surely she’s surrounded herself with security cameras) of her typing the original article; cause YOU KNOW she did it one-handed.

    • Robert Ivey

      Myra caught in a gay porno staring Scalia and Roberts being raped by bundles of cash while the Koch brothers ride around the room on Scott Walker’s back doing coke with rolled up dollar bills off her breasts while Rush Limbaugh is playing breath games with Bill O’ Reilly.

  • VandeGraf

    I want to know if there is any substance to the rumors about Boehner in the bars mens room with…. you know, or the other thing with Mitch McConnell and that Sardinian donkette. I mean, hey, [cue smoke]where there’s smoke, right? And the money Mr Grassley is paying to the aide, under the table? Well, we can’t be certain because he hides it so well we simply cannot get the goods. But, [cue the damn smoke already!] why would there be such rumors, if there wasn’t just a little bit of fire. Gotta keep our eyes out for that fey Trey Gowdy, because he’s pointing in other directions so hard– slowly, but with much tenacity– that it’s apparent he wants to divert attention AWAY from himself. Why?

  • say wha

    Sheeple, the Weekly World News has been all over this for years!!!!

    • MrBlobfish

      I call BS. Everyone knows space aliens can’t write.

      • Amy!

        No? Really?

        Wasn’t there that cookbook, though?

        • Blank Ron

          Ghostwritten, clearly.

    • MrBlobfish

      I call BS. Everyone knows space aliens can’t write.

    • Celtic_Gnome

      The shaved ape baby is going to a good White, Christian home, right?

  • House0fTheBlueLights

    Here’s a reality-based thought problem: how far can these idiots go before the Clintons sue them to hell and back for libel.

    • Steverino247

      Not going to happen. You can say damned near anything about political figures and get away with it.

      • JD Mulvey

        As a practical matter, that’s likely true.

        Legally, this would actually be a pretty solid case. That’s because a plaintiff would have to show “actual malice,” probably by demonstrating that the person published knowingly false statements about her.

        This National Review “story” gets dangerously close. If some other press outlet repeated any of these speculations without the “imagine” caveats –and I have no doub that someone will –there’d be a real case there.

  • Villago Delenda Est

    So now the wingtards are simply inventing things out of whole cloth that would be rejected by Hollywood as “too out there to be in a movie”…in fact, would be rejected by the pr0n lords of the San Fernando Valley as “too out there to be the flimsiest of plot fig leafs for our usual actual product” and inviting us to “imagine, if you will” the impact of said fantasy scandal on real world politics.

    The smell of desperation…it smells like…VICTORY!

    • Blank Ron

      We warned them they needed to pace themselves, but no, they had to fire off all their big guns in the first salvo, and all they have left is slingshots and spitballs.

  • Mehmeisterjr

    ♫ Imagine there’s no Clinton
    It’s easy if you’re nuts
    No Bill below us
    Above a rightwing putz
    Imagine all the soldiers
    Stuck with payday loans

    You may say I’m a schemer
    Just a third-rate Maureen Dowd
    I hope you’ll buy our bullshit
    And Ted Cruz will do us proud. ♫

  • Joshua Norton

    Dafuq did I just read?

  • schmannity

    I admit I would be disappointed to learn that she was in love and sex threesome with Jim Inhofe and Sam Brownback.

    • Villago Delenda Est

      I would be…um…

      Wait, I’ll come in again…

  • Fitzgerald Chesterfield

    How about:

    Hillary does NOT feel your pain.

  • BearGHAZI

    cameras aren’t allowed on Secret Sex Slave Island, idiots

    • jmk

      The first rule of Secret Sex Slave Island is, you do not film anything about Secret Sex Slave Island. The second rule of Secret Sex Slave Island is, you do not talk about Secret Sex Slave Island. Third rule of Secret Sex Slave Island, is if someone yells stop, goes limp, taps out, the Secret Sex Slave Island bout is over. …

      duh.

  • dslindc

    Not enough BENGHAZI!!!!111!!! to fap to.

  • chicken thief

    Myra, please leave the Tom Clancy-ing to Tom Clancy, m-kay…

    • Villago Delenda Est

      Or to a professional, like Alex Jones

    • Anarchy Pony

      Even though he’s dead he could do better than this.

  • Fly

    Republican howler monkeys are flinging all the shit they can find hoping that something sticks. However, Everything has become loose dry turds after they pulled them apart and put them under spotlights as if psychic CSI agents, looking for kernels of conspiracy.

  • chicken thief

    I guess ‘pigfucker’ just doesn’t have the political impact it used to.

    • Lazy Media

      Dude, don’t say pigfucker in front of Jesus.

      • david green

        Or Joni Ernst.

    • Lazy Media

      Dude, don’t say pigfucker in front of Jesus.

  • fka_donnie_d

    Evey fucking morning I need to listen to Joe Sacrborough have an embolism about how _nobody named Clinton is in jail yet_ even though Menendez is being indicted and McDonnel is in jail. Seriously asshole, get a law degree, run for or get appointed prosecutor, then bring whatever charges you want against whoever you think you can get away with.

    • Villago Delenda Est

      I want to know just what happened in Joe’s district office.

  • Callyson

    Jesus, is this the best they can do?

    • fka_donnie_d

      Not at all, actually, it is the absolute worst

      • Rick Hill

        Far from it. Much worse is to come.

        • jenn

          A lot of people have no idea how bad this is going to get. :(.

          • Blank Ron

            One small bright spot: it will keep Bekka and family in business for at least another ten years.

  • Rick Hill

    Why hasn’t anyone reported that HRC was really an anchor baby who, in fact, wasn’t even born here. Here BC was falsified she is actually born to asian parents in N. Korea and she was adopted by American anarchists who gave her plastic surgery and whose ultimate goal was to have her become the first woman POTUS and then finish off the work her husband(who was also a clever plan to become POTUS in order to set up the destruction of the US) began, that work which was almost undone by his successor( a good white boy from solid American stock) who had almost succeeded in undoing “big dogs'” efforts but was blindsided by the destruct mechanism placed in the economy which went off at the end of his term and his last minute efforts saved the global economy from meltdown despite the best efforts of the foreign born Obama.

    • fka_donnie_d

      Perfect.

    • Villago Delenda Est

      So she was supposed to wed Obama? The best laid plans of mice and men…

      • Rick Hill

        Auggh!! Now you’ve given away the secret plan that is to occur when she is elected to her second term!!1!

      • Celtic_Gnome

        Actually, she was supposed to wed Ramsey Bolton.

    • Toomush_Infer

      I heard she wasn’t even born a Clinton!…

    • Robert Ivey

      I thought HRC is a Quebecian spy and member of the secret faternal order of the Seventh Reich who is awaiting the creation of Hitler’s secret Kung Fu army led by Thor riding a T-rex with minigun wielding german Valkyries secretly trained in the art of Feng Shui.

  • chicken thief

    THIS IS FUN! Myra Adams hasn’t met mah main man Louie Gohmert yet, but we can just imagine her reaction: the lust for his shiny cranium overwhelms her so she has to – there is no ‘choice’ here, his allure is stronger than Axe + Old Spice + Aqua Velva on a Dos XX drinking man, follow him into the men’s room, rips his pants down, and starts casting aspertions on his asparagus.

    Could happen.

    • BackDoorMan

      … “could”. Still wouldn’t want to see it.

    • Virginia Dreaming

      I think it would be the tie – so presidential and sexy.

  • Lazy Media

    Just wait until Khaleesi decorates Pennsylvania Avenue with a line of crucified rightwing bloggers for her inaugural parade. Won’t we feel silly THEN.

  • motmelere

    I thought Obama’s best shot at a legacy was to declare himself emperor of United FEMA camps of America, when did that plan change?

  • ryp

    I’d heard of Alex Jones and his batshit crazy conspiracy website, and am generally aware of the various Obama theories embraced by the loons that listen to him, but I didn’t realize he actually had a show on AM radio until recently, when I stumbled across it at 2 AM, driving home from playing poker. Apparently the current “Obama is not who he claims to be” theory is that Obama actually planted all the misinformation about his birth certificate in order to send his enemies on a wild goose chase and to distract from the fact that Frank Marshall Davis is his real father, and that Obama’s maternal grandfather originally covered all this up because he was in the CIA or FBI and his job was to keep tabs on Marxist agitators, and might lose his position if it was found out one of them got his daughter pregnant.

    Adams is going to have to up her game to something far more nefarious, convoluted and most importantly, absurd, than mere sex or finance scandals if she expects to compete with what’s coming.

  • chascates

    Passing NAFTA was worse than that blowjob but at least no Clinton has lied his way into invading a country.

    • BackDoorMan

      I’m pretty sure the Repugs were also satisfied by NAFTA, whereas the blowjob only made Bill happy. Jealous *and* petty – not an attractive combo.

  • Candy Apple

    You know, I have a confession. I was listening to Hillary the day she blamed a “vast Right-Wing Conspiracy,” and I thought, Jesus Christ, woman, stop being such a drama queen. But now I believe every single syllable, because over the ensuing 16 or so years, I have SEEN SOME SHIT from these fucking Republicans. Hillary, I’m sorry I doubted you. I was wrong.

    • D_C_Wilson

      I had a problem with the word “conspiracy.” That implies that they were working in secret. Republicans have been out in the open trying feverishly to tear the Clintons down by any means necessary. There’s never been any secret about it.

      • dshwa

        Well, Vast Rightwing self-masturbatory fringe-media frenzy is more accurate, but just sounds so gauche.

  • Relativicus

    Words fail me. I hate that.

    • BackDoorMan

      … that’s better than the words getting flailed in this “news” article.

  • Esteban Rey

    Boy it would be a shame if it turned out that Myra Whatsherface is into necrophilia.

    • Jus_Wonderin

      I read this on the Internet. It has to be true.

      • Mehmeisterjr

        I just read that you read this on the Internet, so that confirms it.

        • Mehmeisterjr

          I just read that I read that you read this on the Internet. A further layer of confirmation. (I operate on Judith Miller rules.)

          • TheBidenator

            I just read that you read what you wrote that Jus wrote that you read that Esteban wrote and I think that that gives the claim iron clad triple confirmation which means it can now be cited….I’m working off Chuck C. Johnson rules.

          • Mehmeisterjr

            “The Unallowed Comment: TheBidenator’s Journey Through Mehmeisterjr’s Journey Through Jus_Wonderin’s Journey, So We Are Right and Shut the Fuck Up.” Now booking appearances, not with Stewart, not with MSNBC.

            I’m working off Walter Duranty rules, much like Judith Miller.

    • TheBidenator

      It would be irresponsible not to speculate so are we talking Reagan’s corpse? Or maybe Vladimir Lenin’s corpse or even worse, the unholy undead thing that is Dick Cheney? I’m sure it’s Reagan’s corpse because Calvin Coolidge is far too decomposed even for a wingnut chick to bang….

  • deanbooth

    Hillary has and will murder Republicans — WITH VOTES!

  • Jus_Wonderin

    There’s a lot of fappy comments over there at the original article. Geesus.

  • Virginia Dreaming

    I think the one scandal that would completely get me off the band wagon would be if she slept with Rush Limbaugh. Talk about poor judgement.

    • Mehmeisterjr

      That would be poor judgment but that’s not our Hitlery. Members of the Jeff Christie Fan Club, OTOH.

  • TheBidenator

    Really wingnuts, always with Bill Clinton’s licentious appetite because that’s the ONLY thing you ever caught him on so you have to endlessly embellish it. Look, I’m perfectly fine with Bill Clinton is a horn dog humor (hell, I do a damn good impression of Bill Clinton hitting on women) but seriously, now you’re calling the guy a pedophile? Oh, I understand now…it still steams their clams that unlike with wingnut politicians and family values types Bill Clinton got caught with an adult woman, now I get why they’re always raising the stakes….so the ‘liberal’ media like Luke “Shut your fucking mouth!” Russert can use the weasel phrase of ‘both sides do it.

    As for the other ‘thought experiments’ the stupid is like a thick, syrupy stream falling onto buttermilk pancakes of derp….mmmm, pancakes….oh and to any wingnuts reading this comment, go fuck yourselves and you know who you are.

    • Robert Ivey

      Bill Clinton likes sexually harrassing ugly women and having affairs.
      YaY.
      I’m so happy that the guy who doesn’t preach family values as a selling point has sex with women who is not his wife.
      Now please explain how this has any bearing on Hillary running for President?

  • Celtic_Gnome

    Um, if these people are acknowledged by their enemies to be criminal geniuses, is there really any hope for their enemies, who, by their own admission, are not geniuses, to take them down?

  • DahBoner

    I always read the National Enquirer when I’m waiting in the supermarket line to catch up on the important news.

    Like which celebrity looks bad in a bathing suit, what OJ is doing in prison and which alien from Mars will be running on the Republican ticket for President…
    http://25.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_ly4558Ec4V1qln00mo1_400.gif

  • Ryan Denniston

    This is the party that consistently forgets that it is on tape and we can look at the tape later. It doesn’t surprise me that they think the same of emails. What does surprise me is how they don’t realize that 95% of the gaffes are committed by themselves. Hillary is too smart to codify these things in email people!

  • MoDare

    The truth is bad enough.

    • Robert Ivey

      So how is that different then all the republicans who are owned by Wall Street?

      • MoDare

        It isn’t. That’s my point. They’re the same. Sanders is the only decent one in the field.

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