Conservatives have yet to uncover The Scandal that will, once and for all and forever, destroy history’s greatest monsters, Bill and Hillary Clinton. Not for lack of trying — for decades, with a bazillionteen dollars, and an army of rightwing organizations dedicated to inspecting every scrap of toilet paper that ever wiped a Clinton’s butthole. And not without the aid of the media, even the “liberal” media like the New York Times, always happy to imply that if the Clintons drew a breath, it was perhaps illegal, immoral, unethical, or too horrifically X-rated to explain to the children.
And yet, after all this time, all the lawsuits, all the congressional hearings, all the unclever uncute Maureen Dowd columns, the only wrongdoing we have on record is that Bill Clinton lied about a blowjob. That, sadly, is not enough to shame Hillary Clinton into seclusion forever, even though it should be. The most recent “gates” since she declared her candidacy for president have failed to force her to delete herself from the public — hungover incognito pandergate, tipgate, parkinggate — and dissipated into a puff of No One Cares, and Rand Paul’s internet begging for Hot Tips on Clinton doing Something Bad haven’t turned up anything (yet).
So now it’s time to “get creative!” and unapologetically make shit up. Take it away, Myra Adams at the National Review!
Imagine a scandal that would force Hillary Clinton to drop out of the 2016 presidential race. A scandal so egregious that it would dissolve her donor base and trigger the Clinton’s loyal cabal of defenders into saying “enough,” while the mainstream media demanded that Hillary withdraw from seeking her party’s presidential nomination. […]
What follows is a reality-based political exercise (that might even contain some future headlines) exploring the outer limits of the exceptionally high tolerance level for Clinton scandals among most Democrats and their media allies.
You mean, like an allegation that she murdered her former friend and law partner, Vince Foster, and made it look like a suicide? That kind of scandal? Or perhaps that her aide and likely lesbian lover, Huma Abedin, is a secret terrorist member of the Muslim Brotherhood, who infiltrated the Obama administration to undo America, with Hillary knowingly chuckling in the background? Well, yes, please do keep those potential and not yet fully explored scandals in mind, but let us also imagine bigger:
But what if WikiLeaks revealed that the Russians were blackmailing Hillary? What if Putin threatened to release Mrs. Clinton’s most damaging “personal” e-mails — knowing full well their contents could derail her campaign? Then, in order to salvage her presidential hopes, Mrs. Clinton secretly agreed that the Russians could “peacefully expand” into all of Ukraine and the Baltics once she was elected president?
Remember, this is a “reality-based” exercise, and while we don’t have any evidence to back this up yet, it is certainly possible — nay, likely — that Hillary Clinton’s personal email is littered with so much damning evidence of her nefarious “questionable activity, high-stakes international influence-peddling, destruction of evidence, and alleged improprieties,” that it is easy to assume Russia hacked the White House computer system, not because countries are always spying on each other, but because Putin himself knew the best way to take over the world was to blackmail Hillary Clinton. It’s quite obvious, if you’re willing to imagine it.
But no, the media would surely ignore such evidence that does not exist. Perhaps it would investigate this reality-based scenario:
[A] secret video showing Bill Clinton cavorting with underage sex slaves on “Orgy Island,” an infamous Caribbean retreat owned by convicted-pedophile Jeffrey Epstein.
Because we know for a fact that Bill Clinton had extramarital affairs with consenting adults, the logical conclusion is that there is probably a video of him banging underage sex slaves. But alas, the media would probably ignore a Bill Clinton sex tape (you know how easily the media tires of Clinton sex scandals). So:
Since Russian blackmail and island sex-slave scandals are not enough to oust the Clintons, how about that good ol’ American tradition of income-tax fraud?
Because some of the Clinton Foundation’s charities are revising five years’ worth of tax returns, it’s obvious that such errors were intentional and fraudulent, even though the Clintons will “certainly find a way to downplay any complicated tax scandal with the predictable excuse that ‘our accountant did it.'” Those brave and unbiased souls in the media, like National Review imagineer Myra Adams — whose experience includes working on the “creative team” for George Bush’s 2004 campaign — know that any incorrectly reported taxes from the Clinton Foundation were obviously prepared by Bill and Hillary personally, and deliberately, and demonstrate that all of their tax filings, business and personal, are fraudulent. Not that they’d ever be caught:
Then of course, there is no chance that Obama’s highly politicized IRS would have the incentive, or the guts, to audit the Clintons. After all, a Hillary presidency is Obama’s best shot at maintaining a legacy.
So because imaginary blackmail, sex slaves, and tax fraud will never undo the Clintons because the media refuses to do its job of investigating any and all “reality-based” creative exercises, there is but one chance left for conservatives to force Hillary Clinton to withdraw from the election in “disgrace”:
Unfortunately for our nation, the Clintons know how to play all the angles from every angle.
Therefore, I have concluded that nothing short of a murder conviction would force Hillary to drop out of the 2016 presidential race.
With that in mind, the GOP should launch a full investigation of the infamous Clinton body count, a long list of all their dead “friends” and associates. (I think that was a joke.)
Yes, that is quite the joke. One that we are willing to imagine might be taken seriously before the 2016 presidential election is over. Because the evidence is out there, somewhere, that proves how truly evil the Clintons are, just waiting to be unearthed. It’s been the “reality-based” fantasy of conservatives for all these decades, after all. Doesn’t that prove it?