Bernie Sanders Will Be President Of Forcing Hillary To Act Like An Actual Liberal

Bernie Sanders, independent Soviet Socialist senator from Vermont, who has been Elizabeth Warren-ing since the actual Elizabeth Warren was lecturing Wall Street bankers IN HER DIAPERS, will announce his candidacy for the presidency, as a Democrat, on Thursday. Sanders appears to be running on a platform of "seriously, okay, Hillary, you're going to be president and that's fine, but could we possibly turn this god-dang ship to the left?" And that is a good thing!

Sanders' basic message will be that the middle class in America has been decimated in the past two decades while wealthy people and corporations have flourished. [...]

"If you want to understand why the middle class in America is disappearing and why we have more wealth and income inequality in America than we have had since the late 1920s, you have to address the issue of trade,” Sanders said in a phone interview on April 23. [...]

"All of the major corporations want to continue with this trade policy. Wall Street wants to continue this trade policy. The drug companies want to continue this trade policy. But organizations representing American workers and the environment do not want to continue the trade policy. They want new trade policies,” he said.

The trade policy he is talking about is the proposed Trans-Pacific Partnership, the one what the Tyrant in the White House supports, and Elizabeth Warren thinks is a bag of shit. 

The USA Today newspaper reports that aside from being a dirty socialist, Sanders doesn't even pretend to follow a religion (IMPEACH!) but that he really likes that nice New Pope. He also thinks we should govern the U.S. more like Scandinavia, that arctic den of squalor where everybody has healthcare and is really fucking happy. Un-American!

Sanders also has proven that he is capable of yelling shouty words at Congress for really long periods of time, like in 2010, when he filibustered some rich people tax cuts for NINE WHOLE HOURS, calling them "Robin Hood in reverse." We don't know if that's closer to reverse racism or reverse cowgirl, but it sounds like those giveaways to the wealthy pissed Bernie right off!

Anyway, Bernie Sanders has approximately zero percent chance of being elected president, but his presence in the race will force a conversation on economic issues that quite frankly needs to happen! In fact, yr Wonkette wrote in 2014 about all the nice things a Sanders run might do, for America:

It doesn’t matter at all that Bernie Sanders has little chance of becoming president. A serious Sanders run would act as a year-long opinion poll: “Should Democrats advocate for policies that will make the country better even if some people who run large financial institutions don’t like these policies?” If Sanders can push Hillary even half as far left as Santorum/Gingrich/Cain/Bachmann/Perry/FOX pushed Romney to the right, we might actually be able to vote for her in the general without risking injury to our mortal souls.

That would be nice! And, of course, it will help Hillary Clinton in her secret e-mail meetings with Wall Street bankers, where she will say "at least I'm not like THAT dude, LOL," and they'll be all "yr right Hillary, we crown you President Queen of the Americas!" and everybody will live happily ever after.

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[ VPR / USA Today ]