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But whose role is it to explain that daddy's a schmuck?

  • There are many reasons why gay marriage is “bad,” and they are each and every one of them wrong. But this, from David Fowler, the head of Family Action Council of Tennessee (FACT) and a former state senator, is HI-lariously terrible:

    David Fowler’s daughter went into the bathroom and never came back out. He sent his wife in to investigate and was later told his daughter had begun menstruation.

    “For me, at the time, it was a relief my wife was there to handle a situation I felt utterly incapable of addressing,” Fowler said.

    “It truly took both of us to raise our daughter; one without the other would have been a total disaster. My daughter might still think it was a total disaster,” he said with a laugh.

    The gender roles of fathers and mothers and their ability to relate to sons and daughters are part of the reason Fowler opposes same-sex marriage.

    Ewwwwwww, periods are gross, no homo! Yeah, that’s a wonderful justification for maintaining laws that discriminate against people. If the Supreme Court allows two dudes, who are already gay, to then obtain a marriage certificate, who’s supposed to explain the bloody business that happens down there to their daughter? Huh?!?! That is why Fowler and FACT believe the purpose of marriage is to make sure straight dudes like him don’t have to deal with ladyparts stuff. Makes perfect sense.

  • Our friends at Happy Nice Time People catch us up on the latest from the Duggar clan, and no, we are not even kidding about this:

    We kick things off at the end of a homeschooling assignment with assorted boys scrawling in notebooks with pens. Ma Duggar compliments their penmanship and assures them “your dad would be very happy about that.” Like they say, legibility is next to godliness.

  • He seems nice:

    A kindergarten concert in Iowa was suddenly interrupted last week when a man started shouting, “USA, English only. USA, English only.” […]

    The man responsible for the disruption reportedly started bellowing the chant when a translator began repeating the event host’s opening remarks in Spanish.

  • Check out these very cool graphics to show you how social change happens in U.S. America:

    Social change in the U.S. appears to follow a pattern: A few pioneer states get out front before the others, and then a key event—often a court decision or a grassroots campaign reaching maturity—triggers a rush of state activity that ultimately leads to a change in federal law.

    We looked at six big issues—interracial marriage, prohibition, women’s suffrage, abortion, same-sex marriage, and recreational marijuana — to show how this has happened in the past, and may again in the very near future.

  • No more blaming your crimes and misdeeds on your evil twin:

    Scientists at the University of Huddersfield in the United Kingdom have discovered a new way to identify differences in the genetic profiles of identical twins. […]

    The main idea behind the method is that gene mutations are affected by lifestyle and environment. Such differences between identical twins could occur if one twin smokes and the other does not, or if one of them has frequent exposure to sunlight and the other twin stays mostly indoors. The researchers believe that these changes can be used to identify one DNA sample from another.

  • Just because it’s Tuesday, and we all need to be loved:

[h/t to Wonkette friend Southern Beale for the, uh, period piece]

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  • Lizzietish81
    • Monsieur_Grumpe

      I crushed his head.

      • Blank Ron

        Nobody home!

    • greensprout

      One of the weirdest ways I developed a celebrity crush as a teenager, for sure

  • SnarkOff

    Don’t worry, Mr. Fowler: If two gay men raise a daughter, they just call in a nice lesbian friend to help during That Time of the Month.

    • FlownOver

      I guess if Ma Fowler ever passed away her Former Tennessee State Senator (and Jeez, is that a demeaning term) hubby would have re-homed that daughter instead of subjecting her to his parental incompetence.

  • beatbort

    Ma Duggar compliments their penmanship and assures them “your dad would be very happy about that.” And then she squatted down, grunted, and another Duggar came into the world.

    • Lizzietish81

      “Oh get that will you dearie”

    • mtn_philosoph

      Once they hit puberty those boys will be glad that they had developed good hands.

  • VandeGraf

    That Family Values Guy ought to man up and study a bit on human physiology, then he might be able to handle the things he thinks are dicey stuff.

    • LIT_Fag

      No shit. What a pussy.

      • SterWonk

        Pussy LIBEL!

        • LIT_Fag

          Pussy LABIAL.
          FIFY

          • SterWonk
    • OzoneTom

      He’s not a scientist!

    • Villago Delenda Est

      Man up? That twatwaffle? It’s far more likely that Rick Scott will develop a sense of ethics.

  • Tallmutha

    “My daughter might still think it was a total disaster,” he said with a laugh.

    Stay with that thought. Pursue it.

    • Lizzietish81

      Without his wife, she would have relived the opening scene in Carrie.

  • Tallmutha

    If my father had freaked out every time I went into the bathroom and didn’t come out for a long time, he would have been harried into an early grave.

    • guppy06

      On the one hand (ha!), the motivation would have improved your quickdraw skills.

      On the other, you’d forever have a Pavlovian connection between someone knocking on a door and sexual climax.

    • Gristle McThornbody

      Now you’ve forced me to think about what would have happened when he sent your mother in to investigate.

    • kindness

      Just imagine the fun that would have ensued if he had forced his way in while you were ‘in the moment’.

  • cousin itt

    Fundie, Bloody Fundie.

    • Thatsit Fortheotherwon

      Me2.

  • Thatsit Fortheotherwon

    Sweet Jeebus (TM), if these people twisted themselves any tighter they’d be in a barrel knot. Their perceived connections between cause and effect at least USED to be a tiny bit tenuous… on a good day…

  • Lizzietish81

    And sitting in the gallery, his daughter shrinks down, completely embarrassed.

    • Me not sure

      The degree of sexual disfunction / hangups / craziness in this country is astonishing. Why can’t Americans deal with the natural condition of being a human animal?

      • JustPixelz

        Because The Bible sez not to.

        And if a woman has a discharge, and her discharge in her flesh is blood, she shall be put apart seven days: and whosoever touches her shall be unclean until the evening.

        Leviticus (of course)

        • Me not sure

          So who’s gonna make lunch?

          • Blank Ron

            The slaves?

          • Me not sure

            Just the women though. Right?

        • bozilingus

          Is this where the word “levity” is derived?

      • Villago Delenda Est

        Because we got the Puritans and Australia got the thieves and whores.

        Australia won.

        • Me not sure

          All Georgia got were debtors. The deadbeat is strong in this place.

      • Lagomorph-American libel!

  • Relativicus

    Wellll, to be honest (and I want to be honest with you), if SSM results in me having to talk to my daughter about her period then, sorry gays, but you gots to go.

    • Tallmutha

      Won’t someone think of the dads?

      • Ryan Denniston

        They truly are the oppressed of Murica.

      • Mehmeisterjr

        I don’t think we have to think of the dads in general, just the pig-ignorant, scared-of-reality dads. They are the true victims.

    • LIT_Fag

      Open with a joke. Always works. “Honey, God punishes those who don’t keep their room clean” or some shit.
      WWWSS. What Would Wanda Sykes Say?

      • Relativicus

        “Daddy! What’s happening to me?!?”

        “A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel on the front of his pants. The bartender says, ‘You got a steering wheel on the front of your pants.’ And the pirate says, ‘Yarrrr, it’s drivin’ me nuts.’ Now that I’ve lightened the mood, honey, the fact is, God is punishing you.”

  • Uh, dude – the whole point of two guys getting married is so that we can selfishly spend all our money on Shih Tzus and midcentury modern furniture and RSVP cruises. Not children. Which, as we keep being reminded, are not an inevitable outcome of the gay buttsechs.

    • Msgr_Moment

      Ooops. Time to call the doctor about that IUD.

    • Thatsit Fortheotherwon

      Every time I see one of those goddamn huge family wagons with the mom and dad fish and the five or six succeeding littler fish on the back window, I want one with a husband and wife (not fish) and a house and a couple of nice cars. Maybe some skis and some diving gear.

      • SuspectedDemocrat

        Something like this?

        https://xkcd.com/946/

        • Thatsit Fortheotherwon

          MUST HAVE!!!

        • mtn_philosoph

          That window on the right is us, but without the money.

    • david green

      Don’t forget improving property values in the neighborhood. That is a very important function.

  • RJ (TO)

    Why the whole “Children need a mother and a father” talking point is laughably irrational and uniformed when used as an excuse to ban marriage equality:

    1. Not all gay couples who want to marry want to raise kids. So can they marry then, since no children will be “traumatized” or “deprived”?

    2. Gay couples who want to raise kids have done so long before marriage equality was a thing and will continue to do so even if marriage rights are never extended to them. So how exactly does banning same-sex marriage protect kids from being deprived of a mother or father? And if anything, the children of same-sex parents are actually being harmed more by the stigma being slapped on their families. Protect the children by stigmatizing them? Seriously??

    3. Straight couples, then, should be forced to marry if a child is conceived and banned from divorcing until their children reach adulthood. Good luck with that one.

    • Swampgas_Man

      One more time– the Big J said more about divorce than about the gai, but nobody cares because straight people want to get divorced.

    • Mehmeisterjr

      Widows and widowers and divorced people also, too, plus which.

    • mtn_philosoph

      “Marriage is a legally-binding contract to procreate. Married couples will be arrested and charged with fraud if they don’t produce any children within two years after the vows.” This has got to be written down somewhere in the legal code, right?

  • Msgr_Moment

    Lesbians should never be parents, either. I mean, who’s gonna stomp any bugs that get in the house?

  • schmannity

    And can you really expect two lesbians to explain to a young boy the intricacies of the pull my finger gag?

    • guppy06

      Thinking of the lesbians I’ve known, yes. Perhaps too well.

    • SuspectedDemocrat

      A whole generation growing up without fart jokes? I hope they’re making that argument to the Supreme Court. If that doesn’t convince the swing justices, nothing will.

      • kindness

        Don’t be silly. My mother loved fart jokes more than anyone else in my family.

        • Whale Chowder

          “Don’t be silly?” Hi, welcome to Wonkette. You must be new. :)

          • mtn_philosoph

            “You must be new”? You must not be familiar with Wonketariat-style eight-layer sarcasm. Stick around for awhile and you’ll catch on.

  • MrBlobfish

    I suppose there is a guy or two out there that doesn’t know what a period is. When the commercial talking about “that time of the month” comes on he just scratches his nuts and thinks wtf, I need beer.

    • Thatsit Fortheotherwon

      If he needs beer, it’s “that time of the day.”

      • Mehmeisterjr

        Son, a very special and magical thing happens just after every Budweiser commercial.

    • SuspectedDemocrat

      I’ll be in the man cave if you need me. See you in three to seven days.

    • NorthStarSpanx

      Actually, he just writes and votes for legislation coming between a woman and her doctor.

    • stevola

      That’s the natural reaction to all commercials.

  • handyhippie65

    a little blood, and he can’t be a parent, has no clue how menstruation works, and is not willing to learn. definitely father of the year material here.

    • Thatsit Fortheotherwon

      God forbid the poor girl actually injures herself and bleeds on him.

      • chicken thief

        *calling out to the wife*

        Honey, little Heather has a sucking chest wound – should I put a Kotex on it or insert a tampon?

  • Michael J Daumen

    I bet he’s OK sounding off on abortion though.

  • Mahousu

    I fully agree that David Fowler should not be around girls, of any age.

  • guppy06

    My daughter might still think it was a total disaster

    “It looks like Florida!”

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NEcZmT0fiNM

  • Toomush_Infer

    One of my daughters had her first in my truck on the way to town – we had to stop at the mall while I got some things for her – admittedly, dad was maybe not the most knowledgeable, but pads and underwear are not that complicated…

    • CalvinianChoice

      Aisle 8A. That’s all you need to know.

    • Hardly Ideal

      Word. Awkward, sure. Rocket science… nnnnnot really?

  • Me not sure

    Make sure the little woman washes up before fixing your sammich.

    • jmk

      Check the Good Book… is she supposed to be handling food while she’s unclean like that?

      Now I’m wondering if the second and third wives in “traditional Biblical marriage” were for making sammiches when wife #1 was so selfishly being impure.

      • david green

        Problem with that is that, if in the same household, I understand that the periods tend to synchronize, and then you have all three of them impure, wanting chocolate, and you still don’t get any food, and no one to get you a beer.

        • jmk

          Oh the humanity!!!

        • Blank Ron

          So that’s why they used to go to war against their neighbours all the time.

  • fawkedifiknow

    To that Iowa farmer dope: “USA, clean your own barn! USA, do your own factory job!, USA mow your own damn yard!”

    • Villago Delenda Est

      “Señor esta muy loco in la cabeza”

  • wingr47

    It’s a matter of “words”. Many use strong sounding words, Impeach, Entitlements etc without knowing the definitions of the words. Impeach does NOT mean kick out of office at once. An Entitlement is something owed or earned, not a gift. But they sure do SOUND good, don’t They. But words like Menstruate scares the chit outta Them in a rats ass second. EEEEEK A TAMPON!!!!

    • Vecciojohn

      You can laugh about being afraid of tampons, but do you know what girls do with those things? Ew!

  • anniegetyerfun

    Huh, I don’t remember getting any help when I got my period. I put a pantyliner in my undies and went and told my mother, with as much melodramatic flair as I could muster, “The curse has started!”

    I was expecting some tears or for her to say, “My little girl is growing up!” but she just snarled, “Well, you knew it was going to damn well happen sometime.”

    • Villago Delenda Est

      Melodrama….a key component in development of a sense of snark

      • anniegetyerfun

        It’s funny, because my mother always used the word “snarky” when we got mouthy with her. I thought it was her own term until it started being used on the intertubes a few years back.

    • sillyclucker

      That’s preferable to my history. I had no idea what a period was. When it happened to me, I was terrified. Thought I had cancer or something. I told my mother and she just handed me a pamphlet to read. Still pisses me off after all these years.

  • JustPixelz

    “For me, at the time, it was a relief my wife was there to handle a situation I felt utterly incapable of addressing,”

    These are the guys who like to pass lady parts laws.

  • Angry_Cop

    If you’re the kind of guy who freaks when your wife asks you to buy tampons while you’re out at the grocery store, you’re probably an asshole.

    • MrBlobfish

      If the woman in front of me is buying tampons and chocolate, I give her plenty of room to maneuver.

    • Whale Chowder

      Boy, wait ’till you get to buy “pull-ups” for you mom.

  • chicken thief

    Welp, you’ve lived up to your namesake – you truly are a little Fowler now.

    ~ David to the daughter

  • NorthStarSpanx

    Dad’s want to avoid the whole icky menstruation thing, but purity balls (where you make your daughter want to pledge her virginity to you) is on the calendar.

  • JustPixelz

    The thing about “I’ll do anything for my kids” is that you may have to “do something”.

    • anniegetyerfun

      Not something outside of my comfort zone! It’s really all about me!

  • Anarchy Pony

    What’ll those gay dads do? It’s not like they could just find the information in a book or on the interwebz or god forbid ask a female friend for help!

    • nmmagyar

      It’s a science fact that gay men don’t have moms or sisters or cousins or aunts or pediatricians also, too.

      • Anarchy Pony

        Well yeah!

  • chicken thief

    Missing from the back story is that the little girl must have been homeschooled, otherwise she would have learned from her classmates that the Big Day was coming.

    • anniegetyerfun

      Seriously. If not classmates, then in Health. Wait, are they allowed to teach things like “health” in public school anymore?

  • JustPixelz

    From the link: The 12-second video shows an unidentified man being escorted out of an auditorium by security personnel, while he repeatedly chants, “USA, English only. USA, English only,” and shakes his fist in the air.

    Yep, we have security personnel at kindergarten concerts. Thanks NRA, you terrorist bastards.

    • Me not sure

      One never knows when some little shit will throw a tantrum and have to be taken down.

      • KenRob

        Tazed & put in handcuffs & hauled off to jail. A frequent occurrence in Red States.

        • Me not sure

          Toddlers arise. REVOLUTION!

  • chicken thief

    How can that fucker effectively lead anything if he doesn’t have the balls to explain simple facts of life to his 10 yr old kids?

  • Beowoof14

    Geesh I am grossed out by this guys stupidity. Seriously, normal bodily functions can be explained except by morons.

  • Lefty Frizzell

    FFS what happens if the mother dies you moron?

    • Anarchy Pony

      I’m sure there’s something in the bibble about selling her into slavery or stoning her to death.

  • diogenez

    As someone who works in education, this sort of story usually says “job security” to me – however, education cannot perform miracles.

  • MrBlobfish

    I have a copy of People Magazine with Julie Andrews on the cover in my “Shop The Look”? Whazzup wit dat?

  • Bren

    King James Bible
    And if a woman have an issue, and her issue in her flesh be blood, she shall be put apart seven days: and whosoever toucheth her shall be unclean until the even. – Leviticus 15. 19

    But you know it’s a surprise this is happening in Tennessee. Surely the guy has dealt with this before when he’s been begatting his sister.

  • Fly

    Republicans are scared of vaginas, that’s why they feel the need to regulate them, what with their small government and all.

    • Land Shark

      lots of Republicans have small peen government issues.

  • Mehmeisterjr

    I think Sam Cooke summed it up best: “Don’t know much about biology.”

  • I think it’s a bit hypocritical to start yelling about speaking English at the concert when you’re already sending your kid to a place with one of the most German-sounding words in the English language.
    “Come on Billy, today’s your first day of child garden and don’t let me hear you say that kraut word in this house.”

    • Mehmeisterjr

      Jardin d’enfants or RLBD (Recevez la Baise Dehors.)

    • Candy Apple

      Hey, he’s in Iowa; shouldn’t they all be speaking Lakota? I mean, this is America, after all…

      • I’m surprised none of these Speak American Firsters are up in arms over all this fancy translating to sign language going on. I mean, Uncle Sam wants you to “speak” English, not interpretive dance it. Also, something clever about up in arms.

  • Mehmeisterjr

    Meet David Fowler and the other fine folks at FACT:

    http://factn.org/staff/

    He doesn’t look like he’s wound too tight, does he?

    • Steverino247

      Topics David Fowler can speak about

      How about fucking himself?

  • Mehmeisterjr

    Law & Order SVU show featuring twins and DNA advances in 4, 3, 2….

    • Paperless Tiger

      Maury is on it.

  • Mehmeisterjr

    Somewhere a Florida Man is reading about the Iowa Man and asking himself, “Why didn’t I think of that?”

  • MegPasadena

    If Fowler can have his way, he would force all the single parents to remarried so that every child will have a mom and a dad. Am I right?

  • Mehmeisterjr

    Query: Didn’t it occur to either Dad or Mom Fowler that when you have a girl child, this is going to happen? It sounds like neither of them tipped off their daughter to what was coming, which is a basic parental responsibility. Were they hoping they could pray their way out of it?

    • Paperless Tiger

      My wife said her mom told her about it. She asked, if women bleed, what do men do? Mom said, they don’t do shit.

      • Mehmeisterjr

        I like her reply but technically we do shit. A lot. Much more than we ought to. Really freaky shit. All the time.

    • Last Hussar

      My sons have known about the whole unnatural bleeding for days on end with out dying since they were small, and my wife explained about ‘mummy’s bleeds’. As teens they are obviously grossed about it, but they have known and accepted it since about 6 years old.

  • freemdoom

    I guess he will next support a bill that rehomes your daughter if your wife dies.

  • Dolmance

    In Tennessee, if a man truly loves his daughter, then even menstruating like the elevator scene in The Shining shouldn’t stop him from expressing it.

    • SuspectedDemocrat

      I’ve read the book but never saw the movie. Either Kubrick took some liberties with the story or there’s something I don’t know about ladyparts, because in the book the only thing that came out of the elevator was confetti and party hats.

      • uniquename72

        Right – just like menstruation.

  • Biff52

    How does someone so clueless ever get close enough to ladyparts to become a parent?

    • Whale Chowder

      Do we know the girl was actually his?

  • Callyson

    Or, Dad could be a grown-up and get his daughter a copy of Our Bodies, Ourselves. Seriously, that book was a lifesaver when I was in my teens…

    http://media.tumblr.com/aa9b8d3362fa7dc3bf7a585dd3e85d5f/tumblr_inline_mhtbeswkSj1qz4rgp.gif

    • Hardly Ideal

      I’ve heard that the key to explaining all that icky stuff to kids is to just answer the question and the question alone; launching into the whole Birds-‘n’-Bees thing might not be productive when they’re three years old.

  • Tendernob

    So… his premise is that gays can’t get married because he has no idea how to talk to his kid. I believe Louis CK already addressed this.

    • Hardly Ideal

      I’m as awkward as they come, but I’m also resourceful. It may take charts and graphs, Google, hand puppets, or help from Uncle Roman, but mark my words: Lil’ Nova’s learning how the Gays made her bleed spontaneously.

      Wait, what?

  • David Fowler’s story just left me wondering if the man has ever, even once, changed a diaper.

    • Virginia Dreaming

      It makes me wonder if he is still wearing diapers, at least psychologically.

  • Zippy

    I thought the whole argument against ghey marriage was that they can’t have kids…

  • VirginiaLady

    Oh fuuu you dad for being such an ignorant little pussy. In your house mom is probably the one that has to explain nocturnal emmisions too, since she does the laundry type lady work. Hope your daughter kicks your ass in sports.

  • Virginia Dreaming

    If we had good, biology based sex education classes in school, this would not be such a problem. I think every man and women should have some understanding of both male and female anatomy and reproductive physiology. A little less mystery might go a long way towards making each gender more accepting of the other and push us toward equality.

    • Land Shark

      HERETIC!

  • j hentai

    that’s a really cool bloomberg article!

  • gingerland62

    Good thing there are no single parent households in America.

    • Alex Grey

      Sure there are, but as EVERYONE knows, there is NO SUCH THING as a single father raising a daughter. It doesn’t happen! And two men together would obviously be twice as bad at helping a daughter. And can you even imagine two women raising a daughter!?!? *My head asplode*

      • Alex Grey

        Can Applejack really take care of Apple Bloom?

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