Like the advice he offers to Caroline, who wants to know what to do about her husband gay-cheating on her:
My husband and I are Christians and have been together for 11 years. Recently, I found out he cheated on me with a male Christian friend in our Church. He says it was a mistake, that it just happened while they were drunk, and he wants me to forgive him. I don’t know if I can.
Well, Caroline, it’s like Pat Robertson is always saying: it’s a damn shame you can’t stone The Gays to death, like Jesus used to do. But at a minimum, you should probably use Robertson’s patented Exorcism Prayer — accept no “hokum” substitute from “these people who are into demon-casting-out ministry” — to get the gay out of your husband immediately. Right? Wrong!
You’ve been married for 11 years, this guy got drunk, he didn’t know what he’s dealing with. She says, “Should I forgive?” Of course you should. If he were this way all the time, if he’s a habitual drunk, if he’s a habitual homosexual, if he’s a habitual philanderer and all the rest of it, then by all means, take a hike. But one time, 11 years — don’t throw all that away.
Well, in that case. If her good Christian totally hetero husband got so drunk it made him gay the one time only, that’s no big deal, right? Who among us hasn’t accidentally sipped a bit too much chardonnay and found ourselves cheating on our opposite-sex partner with a same-sex “friend” from “church,” by “mistake”? Happens all the time! (On the internet and in bars, often on business trips or while the wife is visiting her parents.)
But sure, as long as Caroline’s husband promises to never drink and turn gay again, she should of course forgive him. It’s not as if he refused to put out for her, which is immediate grounds for divorce, or at least it is when a wife refuses to do her duty and let the master of the house sex her whenever he wants. Though perhaps it doesn’t work the same way when a woman wants to get some, and her husband has a “headache.”
Maybe Caroline should consider making herself more attractive and less of a nag. We hear that can also cause husbands to stray, although we were unaware it can cause them to stray into homosexuality.
Anyway, best of luck with that whole situation, Caroline, you probably have no reason to worry that your husband might make a habit of boozing and buttsexing behind your back, while pretending he’s super straight and into you, swear to Christ, amen. And if he does, well, try praying it away. Supposedly, that works.