SHARE

Mark your calendars, kids, because today is one of those rare occasions when we are shocked and awed by scamster televangelist and occasional speed demon Pat Robertson. Usually, we find his half-cocked-and-mostly-senile word meanderings predictably amusing, but darn it if that silly fella doesn’t keep us on our toes, by sometimes saying things we would never have expected.

Like the advice he offers to Caroline, who wants to know what to do about her husband gay-cheating on her:

My husband and I are Christians and have been together for 11 years. Recently, I found out he cheated on me with a male Christian friend in our Church. He says it was a mistake, that it just happened while they were drunk, and he wants me to forgive him. I don’t know if I can.

Well, Caroline, it’s like Pat Robertson is always saying: it’s a damn shame you can’t stone The Gays to death, like Jesus used to do. But at a minimum, you should probably use Robertson’s patented Exorcism Prayer — accept no “hokum” substitute from “these people who are into demon-casting-out ministry” — to get the gay out of your husband immediately. Right? Wrong!

You’ve been married for 11 years, this guy got drunk, he didn’t know what he’s dealing with. She says, “Should I forgive?” Of course you should. If he were this way all the time, if he’s a habitual drunk, if he’s a habitual homosexual, if he’s a habitual philanderer and all the rest of it, then by all means, take a hike. But one time, 11 years — don’t throw all that away.

Well, in that case. If her good Christian totally hetero husband got so drunk it made him gay the one time only, that’s no big deal, right? Who among us hasn’t accidentally sipped a bit too much chardonnay and found ourselves cheating on our opposite-sex partner with a same-sex “friend” from “church,” by “mistake”? Happens all the time! (On the internet and in bars, often on business trips or while the wife is visiting her parents.)

But sure, as long as Caroline’s husband promises to never drink and turn gay again, she should of course forgive him. It’s not as if he refused to put out for her, which is immediate grounds for divorce, or at least it is when a wife refuses to do her duty and let the master of the house sex her whenever he wants. Though perhaps it doesn’t work the same way when a woman wants to get some, and her husband has a “headache.”

Maybe Caroline should consider making herself more attractive and less of a nag. We hear that can also cause husbands to stray, although we were unaware it can cause them to stray into homosexuality.

Anyway, best of luck with that whole situation, Caroline, you probably have no reason to worry that your husband might make a habit of boozing and buttsexing behind your back, while pretending he’s super straight and into you, swear to Christ, amen. And if he does, well, try praying it away. Supposedly, that works.

[RightWingWatch]

$
Donate with CCDonate with CC
  • BloviateMe

    I’d wager ol’ Pat found himself in a similar situation, some time back. Hence the forgiveness.

    • Mehmeisterjr

      Back when he was defending America by doing the booze run from Japan to Korea, maybe?

      • BloviateMe

        Did the anal run in less than 12 parsex, from what I heard.

    • Gleem-McShinez

      He must have recognized his wife’s handwriting.

      • O4FSake

        Like that old Nixon joke. Nixon wakes up on a snowy morning to see “Nixon sucks” in big letters on the Whitehouse lawn. Urinalysis reports the urine belonged to Henry Kissinger. Handwriting analysis points to Pat.

  • Lot_49

    Okay how about one time, and then one time again. And that other time was just one time with that guy…

    • Usedtobeyellerdawg

      Well, maybe it’s just one guy at a time. Why quibble with words?

    • willi0000000

      just some ‘unrelated incidents’ . . . nothing to see here.

      [maybe Caroline’s husband is a cop?]

  • Tio_Doidinho

    It happens, bro. I remember that time I tripped in the bathroom and accidentally impaled myself on that sex toy…

  • Oblios_Cap

    However, if the wife had gotten drunk and done a little scissoring, Pat would have counselled the guy to send her packing.

    • chicken thief

      After reviewing the film. Many times….

    • willi0000000

      one guy’s wife did do a little ‘scissoring’ . . . i think her name was Lorena.

      [not recommended . . . just throw the liar out . . . you get in trouble if you bob it]

      • BloviateMe

        The only porn I made a point of seeing, right there. I HAD to know what a reattached grundle looked like.

  • say wha

    I wonder what they were drinking…..

  • SuspectedDemocrat

    He’s not a habitual homosexual, more of an Easter-and-Christmas homosexual. And it wouldn’t hurt if she put in some effort to make herself more attractive to him, you know, if she got made up real nice with short hair, a man’s business suit, and strap-on.

    • Vecciojohn

      It’s the little things that make a marriage.

      • riledupone

        In this case a bigger thing may help a little more.

      • mtn_philosoph

        “Ketchuup, ketchuuup, ketchuuuuup…”

    • Gleem-McShinez

      “And now, you will call me Peg.”

      • glasspusher

        I see your picture, your name in lights above it…

  • Not So Much

    I’ve gotten drunk, let’s be honest, quite a few times. But I’ve never gotten so drunk that Jeebus made me trip and fall onto another dude’s peen.

    Well, ‘yet’, anyhoo.

    • Vecciojohn

      Practice will improve your aim. Or so I’m told.

  • Viva La Tabula Raza

    Plus, for the rest of their married life, whenever he pisses her off, she can call him a cocksucker and he can’t gainsay her.

    • Mehmeisterjr

      I can just see the next letter:

      Dear Pat Robertson,

      My wife is forever criticizing me, calling me a cocksucker which I only did once that she knows of. How can I beat the disobedience out of her without leaving any marks?

      • fka_donnie_d

        But you fuck one goat…

        • Mehmeisterjr

          Well as long as you only fucked one billy goat and that billy goat is a good Christian goat, then you aren’t a habitual goat fucker. Once, maybe twice, OK three time but that’s absolutely the limit.

    • Villago Delenda Est

      George Carlin had a line about this…”Why do we call a bad man a ‘cocksucker’ when we should be using it to describe a good woman?”

    • Gleem-McShinez

      “You see that dock out there? Built it myself, hand crafted each piece, and it’s the best dock in town! But do they call me “McGregor the dock builder?!””

      • fka_donnie_d

        Shit, beat me to it and I didnt even see it.

  • coozledad

    That Sunday music program isn’t going to write itself, brother. Let’s fuckin’ get to it!

    • elviouslyqueer

      *sings*

      Will the Circle (Jerk) Be Unbroken,
      Bi- and Bi-, Lord.
      Bi- and Bi.

      /*sings*

      • coozledad

        Will the congregation now stand and join us in him 24/seven, “The Old Rugged Hoss”

        • Vecciojohn

          We always sang The Old Rugged Crotch.

          • BackDoorMan

            … how Lumbersexual of you!

  • Human sexuality is fluid enough that I wouldn’t automatically dismiss the idea of reconciliation, but any sort of reconciliation should include mutual (and maybe individual) therapy in a safe non-religious environment where her husband can be honest about his sexuality. Maybe he’s bi. Maybe he is gay, but loves his wife. Or maybe he is a closet case thanks to some screwed up religious ideas he has had put into his head.

    Whichever way, going back into automatic forgiveness and denial mode (or going into a place where the wife literally monitors everything he does) isn’t going to take the couple to a good place.

    • Mehmeisterjr

      Or you could just fucking ask Pat fucking Robertson because he is the least fucking qualified person on the face of the fucking Earth to give advice about this or anyfuckingthing else with the possible exception of fucking Marcus fucking Bachmann.

      • Villago Delenda Est

        Well, also, too, Marcus’ beard. The cray-cray eyes lady.

  • dslindc

    Well it was a male CHRISTIAN friend, so that’s fine. Anything else would surely condemn everyone involved straight to hell, drunk or not!

    • BackDoorMan

      Yes… I wonder what old addle-brained Pat would say if it was an atheist rough trade rent-boy that hubby just happened to meet in the parking lot next to the church. Apparently the devil really IS in the details.

    • darnyoudarnyoutoheck

      It’s not as though he was doing the sodomy with some stranger, this was a friend a Christian friend.

  • OrdinaryJoe

    Not to be a snark but her man likes buttsechsing, it seems like the answer is obvious. OK maybe that was snarky.

    • SuspectedDemocrat

      Private counseling sessions with the priest?

      • nmmagyar

        Marcus Bachmannnnn…

        • chicken thief

          Marcus Bach-door-mann.

          • BackDoorMan

            … going to up-poke you for that even though I should probably be offended somehow.

  • MrBlobfish

    Maybe if she made better sammiches, this wouldn’t have happened.

    • bikerlaureate

      They just don’t seem to comprehend that they’re responsible when the men succumb to weakness, the poor dears.

    • HarryButtle

      You mean the kind of sammich where she’s on the bottom, he’s in the middle, and their penis-owning friend from church is on top?

      • mtn_philosoph

        That’s not a manwich, that’s a meal!

  • Spotts1701

    Funny, when my friends got drunk none of them tried to make moves on each other. Then again, are we talking drunk or “Boris Yeltsin” drunk?

    • MrBlobfish

      Mel Gibson kinda drunk

      • mtn_philosoph

        Marcus Bachmann drunk.

  • orygoon

    He says it only happened once, and so on? Caroline, honey, if he’s a cheat, it’s safe to bet that he’s a liar as well.

  • tihond

    “How do these cocks keep ending up in my mouth?”

    • kindness

      How do these mouths keep ending up on my cock?

    • fka_donnie_d

      How did this cock end up on my TV, is more like it

      • willi0000000

        how is this cocksucker still on TV?

    • HogeyeGrex
  • elviouslyqueer

    By chance he wasn’t one of those “My Husband’s Not Gay” guys from TLC?

    • laineypc

      I would say there was a very strong chance, but Mormons don’t typically ask Pat Robertson for advice.

  • wide_stance_hubby

    Dear God,

    I never thought this would happen to me, but. . .

    • memzilla

      Who knows what the Dead Sea Scrolls included that was left out of the Bibble? Probably an Aramaic version of Penthouse Forum, right after First and Second Acts.

      • fka_donnie_d

        heh heh, he said acts

  • Jen_Baker_VA

    So, all the gheys are going to hell and are unforgivable and bring hurricanes and such…BUT if you happened to be legal married straight to someone who maybe has a lil buttsechs on the side, you need to forgive him so long as you are a woman and he is a man, and he promises to never ever ever ever do it again. Cause…Jesus?

    My translation: occasionally being a homosexual (according to Pat) is still not as sinful as being a woman

  • JustPixelz

    “This one time at Bible Camp…”

    • “Every time at Bible Camp…”

      • glasspusher

        “Every time at this one Bible Camp…”

        • cousin itt

          At my (Presbyterian) Bible Camp, my BF there kept playing “House of the Rising Sun” on the piano in the common hall over and over and over. To quote Will Durant, little did I know it was a was a paean to paganism. Because really and all, that’s what it’s all about.

    • kindness

      Just don’t tell us it was in the latrines.

  • Thaumaturgist

    Bible say stone his ass, sister. Don’t be listenin’ to none o’ those libral preachers like Pat Robertson. If the dude repents in time, Jesus will forgive him in heaven. maybe.

  • ThePuckStopsHere

    I won’t watch the video due to Deeply Held Religious Beliefs but please, please tell me at some point he used the phrase, “this one summer at Band Camp,” or, “He was wearing not one, but two wetsuits!”

  • BoatOfVelociraptors

    Soon I discovered that this rock thing was true
    Jerry Lee Lewis was the Devil
    Jesus was an architect previous to his career as a prophet
    All of a sudden, I found myself in love with the world
    So there was only one thing that I could do
    Was ding a ding, dang my dang a long ling long

    Read more: Ministry – Jesus Built My Hotrod

    • MrBlobfish

      Redline/Whiteline Version ftw
      Now I gotta go youtube that.

    • TundraGrifter

      Certain sounds like somebody has a hot rod.

  • Gleem-McShinez

    I wonder if anyone could, say, troll some Highly Religious Websites with a link to video promising sin-free homosexual sex…

    and then put the link to Pat’s It’s Ok To Be Gay (Once) video…

    I mean, With Votes®, or something?

    • BLOGWAR!

      • memzilla

        Fond memories of the Great Wonkette Webby Awards War of the Mid-Noughts.

  • SuspectedDemocrat

    Is there no accountability anymore? In the old days when this happened, men of the church would gather and flog the bishop until penance was achieved.

  • Gleem-McShinez

    Saaaay…. Does anyone know who Pat Robertson was hanging out with over the weekend? Perhaps having a beer or eight?

  • Mehmeisterjr

    Aren’t all the habitual homosexuals Catholic priests?

    • BackDoorMan

      I’ve heard that if you’re a practicing homosexual long enough, it becomes a habit.

      • richardgrabman

        It’s like getting to Carnegie Hall… practice,practice, practice.

  • Bitter Scribe

    “Stupid sexy Flanders!”

  • Sebastian Melmoth

    I think Pat should of told the Missus to bring her husband to the Robertson swankienda for some one-on-one counseling, STAT. In the room with the special comfy chair. That would be the Christian thing to do.

  • If Pat was honest he would have told her that her husband didn’t have gay sex because he was drunk. He got drunk so he can have gay sex. Either way invest in a divorce lawyer, or a strapon dildo and lube.

    • Blank Ron

      I’ll take door number two, Wayne.

  • Gleem-McShinez

    “The friend’s name? His name is Pah..uhhrat … Pahurat Schmobberson. He is from a church in Canada. You wouldn’t know him.”

  • AnOuthouse

    I bet the other guy squealed. You can’t trust the gays these days. If they’re not telling your wife what great head you give, they’re inviting Ted Cruz over for dinner.

    • chicken thief

      Or she could have mentioned that Church Dude was cute, but hubby, without thinking, gave her the old “ya, but he’s gay” and she was like “how do you know?” and they were headed down the slippery slope to the truth.

    • bikerlaureate

      “Male Christian friend” sounds like code for bachelor. Or was the other guy married also (to a wimmin) ?

  • shastakoala

    This would be a good example why a marriage license should be like a driver’s license. Renewable (or not) every eleven years or so.

    • TundraGrifter

      Many years ago my sister offer the theory that marriage was invented when people had a life expectancy of about 30 years.

  • TundraGrifter

    Maybe she noticed this after her husband came home “half-cocked.”

    “What happened?”

    “He sneezed.”

  • chicken thief

    Honey, you gotta work on them corndog swallowing skillz and give up the pooper ever now and again. Jes sayin…

  • Gleem-McShinez

    Whence ten and one years of sacred marriage of Tradition,
    Thou shalt forgive thine husband of bottompounding given, or bottompounding received.
    For Yea, It is no sin to drunkenly homo, after suffering so many shrewly eons.

    –Parable of Adam And Eve (And Also Steve), Bizzarro Bible 4:20

  • chicken thief

    So Caroline goes to the same church as Tom Cruise? That must be interesting.

    • Virginia Dreaming

      Its called the Church of Christ, Scientologist.

  • OneYieldRegular

    “Dear Pat Robertson,
    I am hoping that you can help me with a martial problem. My wife keeps turning to you for advice, and…”

    • Virginia Dreaming

      Didn’t Pat already say it is okay to leave your wife if she is showing signs of dementia or mental illness?

      • bikerlaureate

        Mr. Schlafy must not be a member of Pat’s flock.
        (cheap shot, I know, I know)

        Anyone questioning the inerrancy of the Bible is mentally ill, ipso ergo gollum.

  • Virginia Dreaming

    This is what happens when bakers and florists refuse to service gay weddings. The poor gay guys have to marry women, and then have gay sex in the back room of the church after getting drunk on sacramental wine. If they would just let the men get married to other men and women married to other women, they would not need to cheat on their beards.

  • bikerlaureate

    He’s a drunk homosexual philanderer. The only thing they’re haggling about is the habitualness.

  • chicken thief

    Ya, but would Memories deliver them a pizza?

  • MrBlobfish

    They’re just trolling Pat now.

  • chicken thief

    tl;dr but did Pat say what the limit was on transgressions of this sort? Asking for a friend….

    ~ Aaron

    • Latverian Diplomat

      Doesn’t the new testament have a seventy times seven rule for these sorts of things?

  • Doogie Fresh

    Oh dear….I think I’m a habitual homosexual AND a habitual drinker. What’s that gonna get me?

    • Virginia Dreaming

      Some pretty hot dates?

    • Gleem-McShinez

      Only one chance with one of Pat Robertson’s church-goers, at least about every 11 years.

      • bikerlaureate

        Pessimist.

        • Angry_Cop

          I’ll say. I think the odds of gay-scoring with one of Pat Robertson’s devotees is probably pretty damn good. At any time.

        • glasspusher

          at least one chance every 11 years…

          • bikerlaureate

            2026 is coming.

    • noen

      “What’s that gonna get me?” You won’t have to spend eternity with Pat Robertson or his followers. Sounds like a win win to me.

    • John

      “What’s that gonna get me?” A lot of happy “friends”

  • Bill Slider

    A few years ago, OK, decades ago, I would go to straight cocktail hour bars once or twice a month. I usually scored with married men who had a wife and children at home, who didn’t admit to same until we were at my place and far beyond their normal life to care.

    • bikerlaureate

      So were you helping those dudes to remain committed to marriage, or were you destroying conventional marriage (as I’ve read so much about)?

      • MrBlobfish

        A little from column A, a little from column B

        • bikerlaureate

          :(

          Was fully expecting the best possible answer, “Yes.”

    • willi0000000

      i checked-out a copy of The Gay Agenda at my local library . . . boy was i surprised to find that on page two.

      • H0mer0

        anything about the underpants gnomes and profit?

  • schmannity

    He should have known. It’s right there on the label.

    Mount Gay Rum.

    • cousin itt

      Bottom of the bottle?

      • Toomush_Infer

        Bigger bottles!….

    • Me not sure

      In more than just words. Barbados looks a touch phallic

      • HogeyeGrex

        Is that a Caribbean island in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me?

        • Me not sure

          Yes.

  • Lizzietish81

    Wait, I’ve seen this porn…

  • TheBidenator

    So Caroline is really Michele B from Minnesota on the downlow I assume…

  • Angry_Cop

    I used to be able to drink quite a lot, and found myself having sex with all kinds of people. Sometimes friends. Sometimes complete strangers.

    All female, though, as that’s how I roll.

    You don’t “mistakenly” wind up having sex with one of your male friends unless…that’s how YOU roll. Just saying. Alcohol is an excuse, not a reason.

    Divorce his ass, honey, and next time try and find a guy that’s not so “Christian”. I guarantee you the sex, at least, will be much better.

    • SecludedCompound

      Exactly, alcohol has a strong tendency to make you more of what you already are, not turn you into something you aren’t… this poor lady hahaha.

      • Morey Soffo

        Old saying: the difference between a guy that won’t have sex with another guy and one that will is – – – – – – – – about 6 beers.

        • willi0000000

          then ‘about six’ is somewhere past eight for me.

          [at eight i just puke and don’t want anything to do with sex]

    • In my drinking days, my only attempts to hit on someone were directed at women. No matter how hammered I got, I never thought “Hey, I think this time I’ll try sucking a dick!”

    • richardgrabman

      Ah heck, maybe the guy is just bisexual and he had an affair. No biggie.

  • cousin itt

    It’s Pat?

  • Guest

    Just like Pat Robertson says, “Once you take it in back, you can always come back”

  • JoeChristmas

    One more question Pat: What if my husband also has Alzheimer’s?

    • Vecciojohn

      Dear, remember that one time years ago when you got drunk and blew that guy?

      No.

      • H0mer0

        once my ex-husband was so drunk, he opened a bread bag in the middle so in order to mess with him, I pointed that out and said I also noticed the female golden retriever had a fuzzy butt.

  • noen

    I think Pat Robertson is being trolled. Seriously, someone is submitting these “questions” just to troll him. Excellent!

  • SnarkOff

    Good grief. That is a truly terrible piece of advice.

    • bikerlaureate

      B-but she trusted him through 11 years of marriage…

    • fka_donnie_d

      Apparently in the battle between divorce and gay buttsex to be the biggest sin, divorce wins.

  • JoeChristmas

    She should have known when he insisted on buying the Brokeback Mountain Blue-ray Director’s Cut.

    • SnarkOff

      She should have known when he threw a hissy fit about the color palette at the wedding.

      • Vecciojohn

        The best man’s dress was the big tip-off.

  • handyhippie65

    denial ain’t just a river in egypt.

    • Me not sure

      …and apparently Cleopatra isn’t the only queen.

  • IJK

    Bearing in mind the atrocious pronouncements of this animal, this one is, at the very least, on the sensible side. Now had it been the woman the one who slipped, this beast would probably have commanded to stone her.

    • Vecciojohn

      Well, didn’t Jesus say of the woman taken in adultery, “Who will be first to stone her? Step right up, gents!”

      • Msgr_Moment

        Let he who has not slept with a stoned harlot cast the first adultery.

    • OldMayfly

      IJK, please use another metaphor–animals &/or beasts are so healthy and above the monster that Robertson is.

  • Fly

    Only if you pinkie swear. otherwise, no trust.

  • Rickyphoo

    I will bet that if the roles had been reversed and it was the wife who had the drunken gay afair, ole Pat would have suggested the husband find some really big rock.

    • jmk

      Rank hath its privileges.

    • Mehmeisterjr

      Pat would probably suggest the betrayed husband give her an unexorcised sweater from Goodwill because there is no such as a one-time Jezebel. She’s a habitual Whore of Babylon. Off to the burning fires with her.

  • FauxAntocles

    There was that one time I tripped and my thing fell into this guy’s butthole, but it was completely an accident.

  • Gleem-McShinez

    Remember when this was almost exactly what the Christianists said to Hillary Clinton?

    • Vecciojohn

      It’s OK to lez out once if you were drunk?

      • Gleem-McShinez

        Close, but no cigar.

        • SuspectedDemocrat

          Sometimes a cigar is just a sex toy.

        • Jerry Noneofyourbizz

          Now that was “product placement”!

      • Jerry Noneofyourbizz

        There was no forgiving her husband for his affair, remember?

  • Capt.Jim

    I dont know Pat you might want to rethink the response!!!How about iffin the guy is now wearing one of those ghey cut you rings and injectin the aids into everyone at the church and specially his wife.Tell her if she does think about forgivin him to make sure he has not been visiting the peep shows or cutting holes in the church restroom dividers

  • Vecciojohn

    I’ve heard of Queen for Day but this is abusing the privilege.

  • SK

    Here’s a weird trick she could use to get over it. Have a one-time liason with that same male friend to ascertain whether her husband is gay, or just the friend is.

  • Gleem-McShinez

    You can’t get gay-married, but you can have gay sex once in a blue moon.

    Hey, these are the rules!

  • Gleem-McShinez

    “It’s not a habit, I can quit anytime!”

  • Bill T.

    At the Church of the Holy Baloney, they only serve alcohol during Happy Hour, and sexual activity is only permitted in the parking lot.

    • Vecciojohn

      The way God intended.

      • Jerry Noneofyourbizz

        Amen.

    • Gleem-McShinez

      Let me guess — the parking lot — it’s “in the rear?”

      • Bill T.

        Violators will be toed.

  • ” … Caroline, you probably have no reason to worry that your husband might make a habit of boozing and buttsexing behind your back … ”
    I daresay that probably a lot of buttsex occurs behind someone’s back.

    • SuspectedDemocrat

      But not HER back, is the point.

      • Jared James

        Assumes buttsex not in evidence, even though buttsex is in evidence.

  • Vecciojohn

    The cure for this is more fellowshipping between the two friends. You know, intimate moments together where they can share their love of the Lord and marvel at his creation, such as the human body. Just for example, I mean.

  • Rufus T. Firefly

    Did Dan Savage and Pat Robertson trade places this week? I eagerly anticipate Savage Love.

  • Me not sure

    Pat never mentioned blood tests did he? Y’know just to be on the safe side.

    • Vecciojohn

      Don’t be silly, straight people can’t get AIDS.

      • Me not sure

        My brother-in-law got AIDS from a married supposedly straight man. The man’s wife got infected and they had a child born infected. Shit happens in the closet.

        • SuspectedDemocrat

          Maybe they didn’t pray enough. That’s what causes things, right?

          • Me not sure

            The only prayers I know of were said at my brother-in- law’s funeral.

        • SnarkOff

          I am so sorry. That is awful.

          • Me not sure

            He was a good guy. My wife and I cared for him for ten years before he passed.

  • Gleem-McShinez

    Let’s see, looking at Pat’s age (The 700 Club), figuring the once-a-decade accidental dudejob, looks like Pat Robertson’s been with about 7 dudes.

  • geoffalnutt

    For 11 years doin’ it drunk behind the dumpster. And there’s hoo-hah about gay marriage? Right. I’ve met these types in gay bars for years. Tons of ’em. I’m nearly 60 (pre-geezer)..so I know whereof I speak…considering I came out at 16.

    • Me not sure

      Bravo!

    • Morey Soffo

      I’m your age Geoff, and during my 21 years in the Navy I was turned down exactly 3 times. Old joke about Marines: they’ll bottom for anal but they won’t kiss you ’cause that’s gay.

      • Jerry Noneofyourbizz

        They will swallow a guy’s cum, but mingle saliva? No way!

      • androgyne anode

        True story!

      • richardgrabman

        I always heard the reasons Marines wore their boots to bed was to keep their legs from pointing towards the ceiling. Which, in my experience, they do…

    • Jerry Noneofyourbizz

      There is a park near me that is a popular cruising area for hot homo sex. I think I am the only one who’s been there that is NOT wearing a wedding ring! In fact, there was a bust there two years ago and all four of the men arrested were married.

  • Zhu Bajie

    I’ve sometimes wondered about Pat and the BJ bars when he was a Marine in Japan. Maybe he visited the gay ones once in a while.

  • unclejeems

    Hey, the fundies were against drink LONG before they even knew what “gay” was. So Brother Robertson, there, was just riffing on the sin of all sins–demon rum. Hell, they were against drink before most of them even knew women could get abortions.

    On the other hand, if they could explain that homosexuality is the result of drink, see, then they could argue that gay-ness is a choice that people make only when they’re not in their right minds.

    Of course, Robertson has never been all that compos mentis himself, and as far as we know, he isn’t gay. OR IS HE?

    • Villago Delenda Est

      It’s pretty hilarious that Pat Robertson, whose military function during the Korean War was to keep the Officers’ Club bar fully stocked, would be riffing on “Demon Rum”.

      • unclejeems

        Yep. A very successful grifter. Puts Mooselini way in the shadow.

    • riledupone

      duh duh DUH!

  • Vecciojohn

    Dear Penthouse,

    I never thought this would happen to me, but this one time, I had been going to this church for 11 years . . .

    • It was under the alter that I took his sacrament.

      • riledupone

        “Take, eat, this is my body…”

  • Celtic_Gnome

    I like this kinder, gentler Pat Robertson. No longer are homosexuality, adultery, and drunkenness sins. They’re bad habits like biting your nails.

    • cousin itt

      Bite me, plz?

  • Relativicus

    No matter how funny you may think a product called “Oops, I fucked a gay” may sound, do not run a Google image search for it in a crowded airport. Or do. What the fuck do I care?

  • fka_donnie_d

    But he didnt bake cakes for one of their weddings, so its all good

  • You know…lots of folks do things when they have a few drinks in place. That’s a cornerstone of alcohol. It lowers inhibitions. Sometimes it just pulls back the curtain on what’s already there.

  • Toomush_Infer

    Pat Robertson is habitually over the wall…God’s no longer talking to him, just phoning it in…

  • Mrs. Erma Gerd

    As Voltaire said: Once, a philosopher. Twice, a sodomite. Third time, lucky. Or something.

    • vivian

      “One martini, or two at the most…
      three I’m under the table,
      and four I’m under the host.”
      – Dot Parker

      • tinker12

        Two martinis are too many but three are not enough.

  • JEinSJ

    The short version is that these fundies really are all just a scary minister and three drinks away from getting into a man-on-man session. They project that onto everyone else. They should just deal with it, and leave the rest of us alone.

    • Msgr_Moment

      …and five drinks from man-on-dog.

      • dshwa

        “Who needs five drinks for that?”

        -Rick Sanatorm

  • androgyne anode

    Well good. I’d hate to think I was a homewrecker.

    /femboi

  • Mavenmaven

    He’s clearly talking out of first hand experience.

  • Jerry Noneofyourbizz

    So how wide was the husband’s stance when he had this one time engagement?

    • androgyne anode

      Maybe he was just really pretty. I’ve had plenty of hetero guys hit on me, and when I tell them I’m male they’re like

  • Objectifer

    Build one boat and nobody calls you a boat builder. But suck one cock…

    • androgyne anode

      lol

    • kirby76

      Yeah, but that’s a homophobe’s cliche.

      I know we all hate ol’ Pat, but at the core of it his advice is pretty sound. The wife should find out what this “incident” means and go from there. Dear Abby just would have phrased it better.

      • Mehmeisterjr

        Abby would have warned her to get tested and insisted that one-time maybe hubby should also get tested. Abby would also have mentioned that the fact that the other guy, albeit a good church-going once-only Christian fella, should also be tested. Also that guy’s wife and all their surely one-time-only connections. Basically, he left out the whole epidemiology part because he’s not a scientist and anyhow, everybody knows when Eve sinned we sinnèd all, so it’s all her fault.

        • kirby76

          Yes, your reply is what I meant by “phrased it better”; Abby would have been much more grounded in her specifics–and she wouldn’t have told the wife she “should forgive” him; she would have said to decide for herself based on the facts and what was best for her.

          I just think some responses are a little skewed by (justified) bias against Robertson, like the posters saying his advice is “crazy” in making a distinction between a one-time thing and “habitual homosexuality”. As a gay man I wouldn’t word anything like he would, but I also know that it is possible for a straight guy to have an isolated drunken “fling”. In my younger days, I’m not necessarily proud to say, I might have been the one calculatingly filling his glass.

          And being aware of the flaws of my gender (straight or gay) as I am, I’ve known since I was a kid that Eve got a bum rap.

          • Mehmeisterjr

            The Lederer sisters and their syndicated successors are easy to parody and sometimes miss the mark but are also remarkably sensible. Certainly they are better sources of advice than Pat fucking Robertson. Many times they recommend consulting better-qualified advisors. Pat, bless his vestigial heart, thinks he knows everything.

    • glasspusher

      I can’t imagine what people would call me

      • fergawdssakes

        Noah was one

  • Callyson

    I’d love to hear what he would say if it were the wife who got it on with another woman and the husband was not sure if he could forgive. Just sayin’…

    • Iron Monkey

      I know what I would say: “Tell me all about it, Caroline–all the details, don’t leave anything out. You wouldn’t have any pictures, would you? Just asking.”

    • Pastor…I have a dilemma. I caught my wife in bed with another woman. She said it was a mistake and they had been drinking. What should I do?!

      My son…do you need a ride to the liquor store?

    • Villago Delenda Est

      Yeah, I was thinking just that Cally.

    • Mary Sandoras

      Do you have a video of this?

  • The Postman

    And here I thought he’d never top the whole take-the-used-clothing-bought-at-Goodwill-to-the-Ghostbusters-before-wearing thing.

  • janecita

    At least he didn’t get drunk and “sat”, butt naked, on top of a light bulb. One of my friends is an ER doctor, and he has seen some bizarre stuff up people’s butts.

  • MikeyArmstrong

    The husband fell for the old just the tip gambit.

  • Mehmeisterjr

    Hey, it’s Bob and Carol and Ted and Alice not Bob and Carol and Ted and Brian.

  • cousin itt

    Bert Lahr sez…

    • BackDoorMan

      … Eve has really let herself go.

      • Alex Grey

        Yeah… Is she a furry now?

  • gingerland62

    what else can I say? everyone is gay…

  • Give a man a blow job, and you feel him for a day.

    Teach a man how to give a blow job, and you feel him for a lifetime.

  • KenRob

    Sounds like when Patty told a woman whose husband was a porn addict that 40% of Pastors love porn too. “In fact, it’s not a surprise that all men love to see these attractive people doing things.”

    I thought Satan was putting those words in my head because I couldn’t believe that I actually heard him say those words, with a twinkle in eye./s But I did.

    In that case though, he advised her to leave her hubby because addicts are bad, whether they’re on booze, drugs or porn. Bad, bad addicts. But just regular porn watchers? Good & completely normal & Pastors love it too.

    • Mehmeisterjr

      When they auction his stash at the estate sale, I call dibs on the Classic Age loops.

  • chascates

    The Right in motion: http://www.weeklystandard.com/blogs/baltimore-burns-omalley-speaks-out-hillary-tweets-about-bumper-stickers_932072.html

    As Baltimore Burns, O’Malley Speaks Out, Hillary Tweets About Bumper Stickers

    Hillary’s tweet was at 3:22 pm. O’Malley’s at 6:53 & 6:54 pm.

    • dshwa

      Lying about the Clintons (and Obama also too) is pretty much a reflex for the teabagger sock puppet media at this point.

      • Fly

        I always lie and that’s the truth.

        • Mehmeisterjr

          I never lie and that’s a lie.

  • chascates

    Hillary’s tweet from 7:44

    Tonight I am praying for peace & safety for all in Baltimore, & for Freddie Gray’s family – his death is a tragedy that demands answers. -H

    • Beowoof14

      I am with you on this one, looks pretty scary there and Freddy Gray’s family needs the prayers most of all.

      • chascates

        Hundreds of Baltimore clergy linked arms and took to the streets in an effort to restore the peace. WBAL Reporter Deborah Weiner described the remarkable scene. “These are the church leaders who are putting themselves in harms way to end the violence… they are linked arm-in-arm …. one gentleman is in front in a wheelchair.”
        –http://thinkprogress.org/justice/2015/04/27/3651896/powerful-scene-streets-baltimore-monday-night-no-one-talking/

        • dshwa

          Christians doing an actual christian thing? What the hell is that?

          • Fly

            Its a crazy world we live in.

    • unStunned

      Well, that’s fine. But my prayer would be that America’s cops stop killing people for no goddamn reason.

    • Mehmeisterjr

      Fox will find a way to twist this into An Attack on All We Hold Dear.

  • Beowoof14

    What’s a blowjob among friends.

  • Incoming Ham

    Well that give a whole new meaning to “genuflection.”

    • richardgrabman

      Well, a blowjob is an act of devotion, performed on one’s knees before the object of adoration.

      • Incoming Ham

        Exactly.

  • HarryButtle

    “Harry, I used to think you were merely an over- educated shit-head, but now that I finally have proof, it’s going to give me great pleasure to refer to you as an over-educated cocksucker!”

  • DahBoner

    As long as you’re “Saved”, anything goes…

    Except telling people Jesus said you must give everything you own to the poor before you can get to Heaven. (Luke 18:22)

    And a million other things Jesus said you need to do before you can go to Heaven.

    http://andygill.org/wp-content/uploads/2014/06/i-am-filled-with-christs-love-saved-mandy-moore-gif.gif

  • Alex Grey

    Also straight, just drunk….

    • Ryan Denniston

      What are these ponies? I only find them here, but they’re so awesome!

      • tinker12

        They’re “My Little Pony” — Dok loves ’em. I even won one from him at the Seattle Wonkette Drinky Thing a few years ago.

      • Alex Grey

        Google image search will answer all your questions…

  • motmelere

    One time, at band camp, we found a homeless guy that we strangled to death in a snuff flick. I really want to come clean with this, Okay? Pat? Are we cool now? Pat?

    • Alex Grey

      Donate the proceeds from your snuff film to Pat’s “ministry” and god will surely forgive you…

    • Toomush_Infer

      Just the once, right?…

    • mambobananapatch

      Depends. Were you drunk? Did you give him a reacharound?

  • dshwa

    I feel bad for both of them, honestly. He’s probably been living a lie most of his life thanks to his Christian upbringing, and she’s married to him; he’s damaged from the lie and thanks to her upbringing she can’t accept him for who he is and is going to be stuck conflicted about it. Of course, what they both need is some good therapy and not more Right wing Jesus crap

    • Alex Grey

      And more’s the pity for both of them, she is asking Pat Robertson for answers. (I would rather trust a magic 8-ball.)

      • dshwa

        IK,R. Who even does that?

        I wouldn’t ask that senile old goat blower for directions to the mall.

        • Alex Grey

          Well the 8-ball IS occasionally right, which is more then I can say for Pat Robertson…

          • motmelere

            Broken clocks. magic eight balls and cyclonic action nutribullets are always right! Twice a day, if you’re lucky.

    • catsan

      Bisexuality is an extant possibility.

  • O4FSake

    Pat, you poor misguided slut.

  • catsan

    Bisexuality exists. This really doesn’t need to be framed as a binary switch thing.

  • beatbort

    Pat suddenly thought back to that time when he and Falwell got into the communion wine at the televangelism convention and blew each other in the rectory….Ah, youth!

    • Octopus Out of Control

      That is gross, and you should be ashamed of yourself for unleashing that mental image on unsuspecting websurfers. We are here on Wonkette not Rotten.com (does that website still exist) or whatever.

  • Synpax

    Are there people stupid enough to believe your snarky smears against Christians or am I alone in finding it childish?

    • Yup, you are alone.

      Have fun up there on your cross.

    • Toomush_Infer

      Oh, the cross you have to bear…

    • kyleyoder

      Oh, they are just elitist idiots expressing self-loathing because they know they have nothing to be elitist about. They recognize more than anyone just how under educated they are.

      • anniegetyerfun

        If I am so undereducated, how come I know that undereducated is one word and not two?

    • Jeff Furlington

      Are you not aware that religion is absurd, and that people who are still religious in 2015 should be mocked for being so terribly slow on the uptake? Religious people are in no position to call anyone else “childish.”

      • ‘Scuse me Jeff, but please stop using “religion” as a synonym for “Christian” (self-proclaimed or otherwise). I’m a Unitarian, and I did a hell of a lot of research and soul-searching before I wound up adopting that label for myself. Please educate yourself before you claim that *all* religions are childish, absurd and “slow on the uptake”; frankly, I think secular and/or spiritual humanists would probably be a bit hacked off with your generalising too. Most other religions call Unitarianism an anti-religion, so that probably says a lot about the nature of the denomination. (Seriously, do your research – uua.org and/or unitarian.org.uk – and don’t make assumptions. You’re making your fellow atheists look bad.)

    • Jim Trebowski

      Are you under the impression Pat is a Christian??? I’ll pray for you.

    • MrCanoehead

      If it’s accurate it’s not a smear, it’s reporting. (The snark just makes it better.)

    • micksavage

      butthurt much, sky goddite?

  • Spalding

    In vino veritas,

  • kyleyoder

    I remember those drunken days….

  • MasterSkrain

    Well, the only reason that senile old Pat hasn’t started his dirt nap yet is that God and Satan are fighting over his soul.
    Neither one wants it!
    They BOTH insist that the other HAS to take it, so he will have to remain here on Earth ranting his lunatic nonsense and sheer bullshit until they work it out.

    • Jim

      LOL.. “Neither on wants it!”.. Now THAT was funny…

  • tinker12

    Funny Uncle Pat also said it’s cool if you want to fk around on your spouse if they have Alzheimer’s because they’d never know about it.

    • lizzie

      You mean *he’d* never know about it.

  • Carter

    I think the closet cases are more into mouth stuff.

  • jesuswasablack

    Wow what happened to: suck one cock and your a cocksuker for life”? I wonder what Pat would have said if said christian homo had sucked an uncircumsized brown muslim peen?

    • Spalding

      uncircumcised Muslim is unusual,,,

  • grumblestiltskin

    I believe Pat has been co-opted by the drunks and their Alcoholic Agenda.

  • UncommonCents

    Pat: Hodor hodor hodor hodor
    Everyone: *pointing at Pat* Hahahahahahahaha!!!!!

  • Jim

    I seriously think that Pat has Early Onset Alzheimer’s.. It’s the only thing that explains the delusional ramblings he go off on..

    • Mehmeisterjr

      Well unless the early onset started when he was a child, I doubt it because he’s always been the same pustulent, God-bothering, raving, inconsistent, hypocritical, self-serving wackadoodle all his life.

      • Otto66

        He says he talks to God and God talks back. He is insane.

  • hipsteriac

    Caroline! Important! Should you happen to be reading this post, keep in mind the following: DO NOT, and I repeat, DO NOT, under any circumstances allow your husband to share his “experience” with your local wedding cake baker or pizza shop owner!

  • Moi

    “Habitual homosexual”… LOL

  • It only takes five minutes to read the whole awful story in thebibleinbrief.com

Previous articleNow Rand Paul Wants Congress To Find Dirt On Hillary Clinton For Him
Next articleFamily Values Guy Says Gays Can’t Get Married Because His Daughter’s Period Grossed Him Out