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Don't even try to take him on

Cuban-Canadian Sen. Ted Cruz (R-Daddy Issues) has always been a smug prick. Who knew? Everyone, that’s who! (It’s his schtick.)

We were already aware of Cruz’s refusal, while at Hahhhvahhhd Law School, to dirty his elbows with anyone who’d attended the minor Ivies, as any son of a poor alcoholic immigrant father with WASPy aspirations to grow up to be president would. And that as a child, he was a member of the Constitutional Corroborators, a group of snot-nosed brats who mooch off their parents and travel around Texas, lecturing people about the virtues of the free market, which sounds so perfectly Ted Cruz, you’d think we were making it up. But we are not.

Turns out Cruz was an insufferable jerk when he was a wee undergrad at Princeton University too. Surprise! Because Ted’s deadbeat-until-Jesus-saved-him dad had told him his whole life how good he is at words and brain-thinking, he joined Princeton’s American Whig-Cliosophic Society when he arrived at its Major Ivy campus. (That’s the nation’s oldest and most prestigious debating society, which we did not know because we went to UC Santa Cruz, which has neither whigs nor societies, just lots of stoned drum circles.) It was at Princeton where Cruz established himself as a master debater and a rhetorician so brilliant, he could later stage a fake filibuster all by himself (almost) without even breaking a sweat. Beware, Democrats who dare challenge Cruz to a battle of wits, for ye shall surely lose!

Behold his genius:

In one debate, he proposed a method to detect infidelity, in which God should “give women a hymen that grows back every time she has intercourse with a different guy, because that will be a ‘visible sign’ of the breach of trust,” according to a recollection by David Kennedy published in a Harvard debate team reunion booklet in 2001.

Mr. Kennedy’s debate partner mocked Mr. Cruz’s knowledge of the subject matter by contorting herself to see how the anatomy in question could be “visible,” according to the booklet.

But when his Big Honkin’ Thought Muscle ran out of innovative ideas, he always had OUTRAGE! fall back on:

[Former Obama economic adviser Austan D.] Goolsbee and other top debaters on the circuit who frequently beat Mr. Cruz discovered it was easy to get under his skin, especially with humor. “It would unravel him,” Mr. Goolsbee said.

In one round, Mr. Goolsbee pointed out that the story of Mr. Cruz’s father coming to America, as compelling as it sounded, was not entirely relevant to, say, the federal deficit.

“How dare you insult my father!” Mr. Cruz replied.

“Prepare to die!” we assume he added before drawing his sword. That was not his only trick, though:

Letting opponents choose which side to take was one of his patented pieces of debate brinkmanship. His “flourish,” according to Scott Angstreich, a former teammate, would be to crumple up a piece of paper of the side not taken. In reality, the page remaining in his other hand had both the pro and con arguments written on opposite sides.

Clever! We look forward to watching Cruz pull that one off in the GOP primary debates. And of course he loved invoking his father’s heart-wrenching life story, which clearly made Cruz an expert on Cuba:

For emotional resonance, Mr. Cruz often invoked his father’s coming to America from Cuba with $100 sewn into his underwear. When an Amherst team argued at a tournament in 1989 that Ricky Ricardo should have let Lucy work, Mr. Cruz said, in an incensed voice: “Well, guess what, I’m Cuban! And no self-respecting Cuban man of the era would let his wife work.”

Plus, there’s Cruz’s renowned sense of humor:

During a break in a tournament at Yale, Mr. Marks recalled, debaters watched as Mr. Cruz argued at a pizza counter over his order before stomping out in a huff. Back at the tournament, the final-round speakers used their speeches to mock Mr. Cruz’s lunchtime antics. But rising from the audience, in his best Nixon impersonation, he declared, “I’m not a crook.”

Hahahahahaha Nixon jokes. So good. Also, being a jerk to a pizza place? If only GoFundMe had existed back then.

Before we hoist the white flag and collectively quit and just inaugurate Ted Cruz as the next president because his ginormous brain is clearly unbeatable, one final note, per fellow debate team member Stephen Wunker:

“He was an extreme fan of the Les Misérables soundtrack,” Mr. Wunker said.

But that was before his “music tastes changed on 9/11,” when he realized he loved country even more than rock ‘n roll because of how patriotic it is. And definitely presumably more than a light opera based on a French novel about an ex-con raising a prostitute’s out-of-wedlock daughter.

[NYT]

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  • Callyson
    • Celtic_Gnome

      Interestingly enough, it didn’t seem to occur to him that God should have made males with penises that experience pain and bleeding the first time they entered a new partner as well.

      “Sauce for the goose, Mr. Savik.”

      • Blank Ron

        I can’t see Mormons going for that.

      • jmk

        Well, no. Why should the property owner suffer when you can simply mark the property as damaged?

    • Blank Ron

      Vajayjays, how do they work?

      • Anarchy Pony

        Dunno, but for some reason I can’t stop thinking about them.

      • mtn_philosoph

        Semen goes in, babby comes out, who can explain it?

    • coozledad

      If they pasted a dollar bill flat on top of that boy’s head for every time he’s whored, he’d be forty feet tall.

    • Gristle McThornbody

      And then you could even slut-shame virgins. A two-fer!

  • memzilla

    Ted Cruz looks like he was a master debater in college.

  • Callyson

    In one round, Mr. Goolsbee pointed out that the story of Mr. Cruz’s father coming to America, as compelling as it sounded, was not entirely relevant to, say, the federal deficit.

    “How dare you insult my father!” Mr. Cruz replied.

    Not drawing a link between your father and the federal deficit is an insult now?

    • JustPixelz

      That’s a link only Dubya can make.

      • Villago Delenda Est

        The deserting coward did indeed borrow the “off budget” trick of his father (who applied it to Neil robbing banks) to disguise how much money he was pissing away into the bank accounts of all the Dark Lord’s cronies.

  • exinkwretch

    In Teddy Canuck’s defense, there are so many insufferable pricks at Hahhvahhd that he really did have to go a bit over the top to stand out in a crowded field. Kind of like the tactics he’s now using prove himself as the extremist of the extremists running for prez.

    • Ryan Denniston

      One does wonder how he didn’t end up in banking with the rest of his class.

      • Blank Ron

        Perhaps he leaned a bit too hard on the ‘Cuban’ thing for their taste.

  • Ryan Denniston

    “He was an extreme fan of the Les Misérables soundtrack”

    In the land of the Freedom Fry, this might pose a problem.

    • Vecciojohn

      Won’t matter. The base thinks Les Miserables is a show about unhappy lesbians.

    • JMPesq

      Yet he is still a big fan of fucking over the poor for the benefit of the rich (not to mention harsh punishments for minor crimes) – that’s a level of not getting the point on par with Chris Christie’s Springsteen fandom.

  • say wha

    I know you are, but what am I?

    • Lizzietish81
      • jmk

        And failing… miserably.

      • an eye for a jedi

        Don’t be smart, Lizzie, I’m the smart one.

        • Vienna Woods

          Dammit… off to rewatch the series.(It doesn’t help that yesterday my students and I were watching Hobbit pt 2 at lunch)

        • Vecciojohn

          No, Jeb is the smart one.

      • Anarchy Pony

        Interestingly enough Mycroft also seems to have a position of influence with the Iron Bank.

    • Blank Ron

      Wow, separated at birth?

  • AngryBlakGuy

    …in all honesty Bugs Bunny could probably beat Ted Cruz in a debate

    • Blank Ron

      Elmer Fudd could beat ol’ Cruz Control in a debate.

      • Villago Delenda Est

        “Hmm….pronoun trouble.”

        Not to mention nouns, verbs, and adjectives….

  • BearGHAZI

    If my face looked like that I would also try to become a theocratic despot over a ruined America

  • cousin itt

    Ted could just write his talking points on his palm. Pro tip from Sarah P.

    • Villago Delenda Est

      Or the teleprompter that Sarah mocks Obama for using that she can’t convincingly use.

  • Celtic_Gnome

    You left out the best one. At the national finals, Ted decided to let the other side pick which side of the debate they wanted to take as their position. The two debaters ate up all of Teddy’s time trying to decide which side to take (going so far as to search their pockets for a coin to flip), so he never got the chance to speak and lost. All because it was more important to him to prove to those assembled that he was so much more talented than anyone else there than by simply showing them through conventional means.

    • Zippy

      he got pwnd by his hubris- color me surprised…

  • Vecciojohn

    Go Banana Slugs!

  • janecita

    Dear Lord, please, let him forget that he is half Cuban. He has always sounded like a spoiled prick with daddy issues. Btw, is his mother still alive? I don’t care enough to Google it.

  • Bren

    “Cruz established himself as a master DEbater” Methinks there’s a D and an E in there that must be a typo.

  • Tom Ford

    “…how good he is at words and brain-thinking.”
    Was that a Ricky-ism you just snuck in there?

  • Interesting that he was “Rafael E. Cruz” then. Whatever happened?

    [TPM]

    • JustPixelz

      Steve King happened

    • Virginia Dreaming

      He is a member of a party that doesn’t really like anyone who doesn’t sound white, or hate themselves for not being white.

      • Villago Delenda Est

        Piyush Jindal, we’re looking at you, asshole.

    • freakishlystrong

      Being a minority helped him get in to an elite university? Nah. We all know that’s only for blah Democrats.

    • MrBlobfish

      A turtleneck? pffffffffffffftttt

      • Biff52

        Tactileneck!

        • MrBlobfish

          I don’t understand your cultural reference.

      • vivian

        Sporting a dickey methinks

  • JustPixelz

    We need to repeal every last word of Cruz’s diploma.

  • Lizzietish81

    So, recently I read a book about the End Permian Mass Extinction, which also had a lot about the history of the study of Mass Extinction. It turns out it wasn’t until the Alverez team published their findings about the KT Impact in 1981 that Mass Extinction was even talked about in the science community, all thanks to Charles Lyell, a lawyer who argued that catostrophism was absurd and advocated a more natural cyclical theory to life on earth.

    He was wrong, but he was really good at arguing his point, which is why for a 100 years, mass extinction was a dirty word in paleontology.

    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Charles_Lyell

    • Blank Ron

      So the moral of the story is, you don’t have to be right, just the loudest?

      • Lizzietish81

        Yes, but also, good debate skills are not a sign of intelligence.

        • MrBlobfish

          Yes they are.

          • Lizzietish81

            No they’re not.

          • Toomush_Infer

            Points!….

      • BackDoorMan

        … I believe that is the motto of the Teapublicans… look how well it’s worked for the chorus of shrieking harpies that claim leadership of that “party”. And by party I mean “bunch of shouty fuckwads that manage to find a microphone to spew into”.

      • Anarchy Pony

        Planck said that new scientific paradigms don’t take hold because they convince their opponents, but because their opponents eventually die.

  • MrBlobfish

    The primary debates can’t come soon enough.

  • Lefty Frizzell

    Even within the context of a small group of contenders for leadership of a small political faction known for outlandish levels of smug stupidity, this man’s smugness and stupidity seem outlandish. He truly is an original. And am I right in thinking his dad genuinely believes him to be the earthly messiah of his outlandish brand of religion? Well that’s just grand!

    He’s got to be a primary favorite, I just don’t see it panning out in the general. Good luck to him anyway – the Republican debates should be compelling TV!

  • Of all the reasons I have for possibly disliking Canadian Ted, his love for Les Miz may be the biggest.

    • Mehmeisterjr

      It suggests that music is not among his many, many, many, many, many fields of expertise. It also suggests that he doesn’t understand Victor Hugo any better than he understands Dr. Suess.

  • chicken thief

    “Well, guess what, I’m Cuban!”

    Really, Ted? We know you’ve officially renounced your Canadian citizenship, and not surprisingly, they let you, but what about this other one you are so proud of?

  • TrufflePig58

    Oh please please please can he win the republicans and debate Hillary

    • chicken thief

      If Walker has all the Kochs in his pocket as rumor has it, then Teddy is going to have to wait a few years. Or hope mah main man Louie Gohmert passes on the Veep slot.

      • Lefty Frizzell

        Two things I think I’ve learned from the last few election cycles:

        1) At election time, voter interest/apathy trumps Koch money/no Koch money easily.

        2) That doesn’t matter, because whoever is elected, once they’re in, Koch money can make them do/say pretty much anything.

      • Zippy

        my guess is that the kochs are paying Teddy to be the cray cray lightning rod to take the heat off of Scotty, with a promise of future support down the road

  • chascates

    Has Cruz ever met Newt Gingrich? The two incredible intellects would probably block out sunlight if they got that close.

    • jmk

      Psst… you spelled “egos” wrong.

  • Villago Delenda Est

    “How dare you insult my father!”

    News for you, Rafael. Your father is a Dominionist shitstain.

    Much like yourself.

    • BackDoorMan

      … the insult writes itself. And the right insults everybody else.

  • freakishlystrong

    Utterly loathsome. I can smell the smugness and superiority through my screen.

    • BackDoorMan

      … Smells Like Peen Spirit?

  • Joshua Norton

    Well, I think he’s a courageous politician and a truly warm and gifted human being.

    HAHA. PSYCH!

  • hornheat

    Gee, do you think he was a virgin when he came up with the regenerating hymen argument?

    • MrBlobfish

      He better have been a virgin until his wedding night, otherwise the slut will burn in Hell. From what I understand.

      • Villago Delenda Est

        Well, when she commented that “hey, that looks like a penis, but smaller” it probably should have been his first clue.

    • Mehmeisterjr

      I still don’t have the slightest idea of what he was getting at. What am I missing or was just the old debating trick of saying something completely batshit crazy to confuse your opponent?

  • I know we’re not supposed to say things like this – heaven knows no one will say anything like this about Hillary – but he might be among the most unfuckable politicians around.

  • Leema Raven

    He looks like Mr. Bean.

    On a side note, what is it with republicans and vaginas?

    • Villago Delenda Est

      They’re obsessed with something they can’t have.

    • el_donaldo

      yes

      • Anarchy Pony

        It’s the ears and the thin lips.

    • ElfInBklyn

      except insofar as he doesn’t. mr. bean looks very straight and goofball. ms. cruz looks, well, what’s the word again…?

      gay. (not that there’s… etc, etc.)

  • Virginia Dreaming

    The more I hear about him, the more I am convinced I am that Cruz is the real life counterpart of Harold Lauder in Stephen King’s The Stand.

    • Lizzietish81

      Please Harold was smart, he was just an asshole who thought he was owed pussy.

      • Jeff Furlington

        Which is super-common with socially-awkward people Harold’s age. He was a very realistic character.

        I happened to re-watch The Stand a couple of weeks ago. It’s still good, and is always what I think of when I hear Don’t Fear The Reaper.

      • Virginia Dreaming

        Harold was smart, but he becomes more evil and fakey as he ages and doesn’t get the love he wants. Cruz is also smart, but he becomes more evil and fakey as he ages and lusts for power.

    • MrBlobfish

      More like Tom Cullen. M-O-O-N spells Cruz.

      • Jeff Furlington

        Except Tom was a nice, well-meaning guy.

  • el_donaldo

    Dude was basically raised as a Bircher baby in a Skinner box (http://rationalwiki.org/wiki/Skinner_box ) – seal the baby off from normal human contact, throw in some Ayn Rand and some mimeographed conspiracy newsletters, and see what comes out.

  • OrdinaryJoe

    The admissions committee at Hahvahd saw the application of a guy with the last name Cruz from Houston Tejas and they just assumed, or yah brown beaner from Princeton, affirmative action him to the top of the admit list. So he shows up and he’s actually a Carribe black beaner. He goes out of his way for the next three years to out anglo saxon asshole the anglo saxon assholes and thus we have the prick “Ted” of today. Sorry hijo. Your Teahole friends will always laugh behind your back and think of you as Ricky Ricardo. See, way back then you picked the wrong side of the Future of America debate. You got far but you will still lose.

  • Biff52

    “…because we went to UC Santa Cruz…”
    Go, Banana Slugs!

    • Virginia Dreaming

      Banana slugs: still more likeable than Ted Cruz.

  • John Orendorff

    Well, he certainly is a Turkey, but if he gets the nomination, I’ll just have to vote for him because I don’t like the way Hillary manages her email accounts.

    • cousin itt

      Have you like, seen her scarves?

      • chicken thief

        I’m still just a little upset that she ain’t no “Tammy Wynette Stand by Your Man” kinda woman.

        • vivian

          I voted for Hitler because of the Kaiser’s taste in shoes

          • Candy Apple

            To be honest, the Nazis had excellent taste in uniforms.

          • Mehmeisterjr

            Black or brown shirts? There was some disagreement on that point.

  • Toomush_Infer

    He’s on fire!…..wait, that’s the world…..wait….no….it appears to be some little girl…

  • Professor Fate

    The impression I get of Mr. Cruz is that nobody in the world is quite as impressed with Mr. Cruz’s brilliance as Mr. Cruz is.

  • Mavenmaven

    “extreme fan of the Les Misérables soundtrack”
    closeted FOJ (friend of Judy)

  • Metadude

    Did he get in on a hockey scholarship?

  • Zippy

    He’s not just good- he’s a masterdebater

    (pretty bad when a group of insufferable pricks think you’re an insufferable prick, Teddy boy)

  • Lizzietish81

    You know who else was good at debating?

    • Unforgotten

      Tricky Dick?

    • MrBlobfish

      University of St Andrews Union Debating Society?

    • Rufus T. Firefly

      All of us master debaters?

    • chicken thief

      Denzel Whitaker?

    • TheBidenator

      Me? Er Joe Biden I mean and uncle Joe will kick your ass if you test him…

  • DelDryden

    A friend of mine was “lucky” enough to be part of a household where the young Mr. Cruz and others overnighted after some debate competition. They stayed up half the night talking (and then made out because college). Her assessment was that he was an okay kisser but yes, almost certainly an asshole. Also that he was more interested in winning the debate than in which side he supported, and that seemed to extend to his personal interactions too. He just wanted to be RIGHT.

    She says she wasn’t surprised at all when he showed up on the national political stage.

    • Lizzietish81

      I would have pegged him as a sloppy kisser.

      Being from Innsmouth and all.

      • DelDryden

        I wouldn’t have pegged him at all! *rimshot*

      • YourMom

        You’d have to be pretty drunk to kiss him. eyewwwww.

        • Lizzietish81

          I guess it would be like making love in a canoe

          • Anarchy Pony

            Fucking close to water?

  • jangoodell

    It should be fun watching Cruz and Rubio swap Cuban stories during the debates. Well, my father’s soooo Cuban immigrant that……..

    • Wild Cat

      Both were fathered by donkeys.

      • Sadie

        Please, don’t insult donkeys.

  • guppy06

    When an Amherst team argued at a tournament in 1989 that Ricky Ricardo
    should have let Lucy work, Mr. Cruz said, in an incensed voice: “Well,
    guess what, I’m Cuban! And no self-respecting Cuban man of the era would
    let his wife work.”

    How about Desi Arnaz and his wife?

    • Pseudonym

      No surprise that Ted Cruz has trouble distinguishing fact from fiction.

  • cousin itt

    Yes Alex, I’ll take sociopathic narcissists for 10 cents and a cup of coffee please.

  • Wild Cat

    Dear Dog, how did Dean Corll not get this one?

    • ryp

      Ted was a Canadian toddler at the time, but nice obscure serial killer reference.

  • unStunned

    If humor gets under mastur de bater’s skin, the GOP debates ought to be great, ’cause they’re a goddamned joke from start to finish and you know the contestants are clowns.

  • Guest

    Cruz on back to Canada, Cuba, wherever you come from.

  • diogenez

    Yes, but – what the hell is wrong with his FACE?

    • Lizzietish81

      He’s from Innsmouth, they all look like that.

      • Anarchy Pony

        Could be worse, could be a shoggoth.

  • sillyclucker

    Why doesn’t he ever talk about his mother?

  • SullivanSt

    TPM probably has the best story on how much of an asshole Ted Cruz is: http://talkingpointsmemo.com/edblog/me-ted

    P.S., the advertising garbage is worse than it’s ever been at the moment, regularly rendering FF completely unusable while the activity bar constantly flickers activity to ib.adnxs.com. This comment took me like 10 seconds to type, but several minutes for FF to recognize the keypresses. It’s unbearable.

    P.P.S. setting FF “Do Not Track” in privacy settings and opting out of AppNexus may have rendered things usable again.

  • AnOuthouse

    Do his constituents know he’s a master bater?

  • Ikimizi

    He lost an argument with the pizza guy. Sounds like he’s less a master debater than a jerk-off.

  • Jen_Baker_VA

    So, according to the people who actually know him, he really isn’t all that smart and is uber easy to fuck with?
    Is this a trick article or something?

    • Vilnis Schulz

      Cruz, Trump and many of their office-holding GOP brethren have this in common, which I think may resolve your cognitive dissonance: they have some specialized slices of intelligence or expertise, which their egos and the folks within their bubbles and low-info followers generalize into broad intelligence and expertise. Add willingness to make shit up, repeat others’ made-up shit, and just flat out lie before millions of people, and voila!

  • Toomush_Infer

    Douche, Douche, Douche
    Douche of Earl
    Douche Douche

    • CA_DixieMay

      Thanks for the lol moment! Funniest thing I’ve read today.

  • TheBidenator

    Jesus, everything I read about the guy makes me think that he could seriously benefit from getting punched in the face (with a fistful of votes)….what a slimy, smarmy, smug smirking prick.

  • vivian

    Pee Wee McCarthy

  • TheBidenator

    Ted Cruz doesn’t appreciate jokes and has zero sense of humor and yet he was seriously arguing Jesus should reform a woman’s hymen every time she fucks around? Makes your head spin but these are the same people who think women’s bodies have a way to shut down rape sperm from impregnating them..

    • Jenny

      I can’t imagine being in law school with that guy…You KNOW everyone rolled their eyes whenever he opened his mouth.

      • gem39

        That’s really the whole problem, Law School. I bet Cruz produced plenty of material to flunk him out on and they didn’t because he is such an ah….what a pretentious prick.

  • TundraGrifter

    “we went to UC Santa Cru…”

    Go Bannana Slugs!

    • Enfant Terrible

      Argh! You beat me to it! But that should be *Fighting* Banana Slugs.

      P.S. – my wife is a proud alumnus of UC Santa Cruz.

      • anniegetyerfun

        I was born in Santa Cruz and my jerk parents moved us away when I was a kid. I made the dumb mistake of going to an East Coast college; no one told me about the stoned drum circles!

  • The most punchable face in the 2016 GOP Clown Car.

  • Notreelyhelping

    Given all that paper-thin skin, it’s gonna get ugly when Cruz and Paul start slapping at one another.

  • fawkedifiknow

    If that’s considered an example of Cruz’s rapier wit, he better keep his day job as full-time asshole.

    • Rick Hill

      Well, conservatives, never, ever intentionally funny. He fits right in.

  • Joseph

    Raphael Cruz was probably one of the people that supported the Bautista regime and had to escape or the more enlightened folks who his social calss were actively suppressing lo those many years would have nutted them. Come to think of it, that might have saved us all lot of nonsense form his son.

  • Wombat

    Imma spend the rest of the day imagining a debate between Cruz and OHJB. In this scenario, OHJ doesn’t really care about winning, he just wants to fuck with Cruz. In the end, he wins, we all win, and TC learns a valuable lesson in humility and that he isn’t anywhere near as smart as he thinks he is.

    HAHAHAHAHA! Just kidding. In reality, he has a rage stroke because a guy who didn’t go to ANY IVY AT ALL (!) cleans his clock without even breaking a sweat.

  • Mehmeisterjr

    Anyone debating Ted Cruz would be wise to hire Austan Goolsbee as his debating coach.

  • Blender_415

    How’s he going to keep it together if a few people start waving Canadian flags during the GOP primary “debates?”

  • fratdawgg23

    It would be a real treat if “Show Tunes” Cruz performed a song from Les Mis at the Correspondents’ Dinner!

    When will Broadway Ted talk about how many Cuban revolution supporters his father snitched on to Batista’s security service? Wonder how many people Reverend Loco Mucho snithched on were later found on the side of a road after being tortured and killed?

  • Big Googootz

    Oh, yes, Cruz is a man of the masses and a Great debater. That makes a Great Mass debater(snicker, snicker)

  • DB

    This guy sounds more and more like LBJ every day. To go along with looking alarmingly like him.

    • Run2Live

      He’s more of a dead ringer to Joe McCarthy, looks and thoughts.

    • Vilnis Schulz

      Big differences: putting aside a couple of glaring, massive blemishes on his legacy, LBJ did some real good things (on purpose) for ordinary Americans and, unlike Cruz, apparently had a conscience. Agree with @Run2Live: in looks, approach and ethic, he’s just a more polished version of Joe McCarthy.

  • Incoming Ham

    Dr. Rafael Eduardo Cruz, specialist in Denying Science and Making Shit Up, With An Interest In Misogyny.

    A specialist in wimmen, he is only qualified to recommend that only women have something grow back in their lady parts to make sex painful if they are being Slutty McSlut Sluts. He ignores current research that men can grow back their very own He-Man for the same purpose.

  • McHitler (formerly Nuke90210)

    So how the fuck can HE get into Princeton but I’m cursed to take a UC with majors in hotboxing the dorms?

    • McHitler (formerly Nuke90210)

      No, no I will not stand for this. I’ll get into Princeton if it kills me (or every other applicant).

  • MrsReardon

    Le Mes…….ugh. The one thing that makes him likable (in my opinion ) he tosses aside when he decides to be a politician. If Ted Cruz sang One Day More with me on stage, I’ll give him my vote.

  • SadDemInTex

    As a sad democrat in Texas I am SO glad that this asshat is running for president because the more exposure he has in the national press the more people everywhere realize what an asshat he has always been…forever and ever, amen

    • Vilnis Schulz

      Hope you’re right – but in support for him, and his fellow GOP asshats, asshattery does not necessarily get in the way of their gaining a lot of sycophantic supporters.

  • Mormos

    Cruz is such a tool they should sell him at the home depot. He is such a grifter I doubt he would mind.

  • Mormos

    Cruz is such a tool they should sell him at the home depot. He is such a grifter I doubt he would mind.

  • Sadie

    Every time I see that smarmy face, I want to punch it repeatedly. He is an abomination.

  • 24chester

    Tailgunner Ted Cruz (R. Canada/Cuba) is a major league assclown, who surpasses all the other Republican candidates in the clown car in assholery. Donald Trump will be a close second if he jumps in.

  • texasace00

    He’s just misunderstood…..like how sometimes you can mistake a roid on your ass for a boil

  • Jennifer

    not only did I find this article interesting, Kaili Gray is also an entertaining and witty writer. Huzzah!

  • This article is written with a very biassed Democratic attitude, pointing all negativities of Ted’s out. If they are true or not, I won’t believe ANYTHING written in such a biassed tone. Ted is an HONORABLE person and I’m sure he did sow wild oats. But he also memorized and can recite The Constitution which is Claim to Fame since he was a teen ager. He knew and knows what everything in it means. This article was definitely written by a Democrat.

    • Rich_De

      Well, considering he is today a pusillanimous coprophiliac, I would gather his “character” has only gone further downhill.

    • milopian tubes

      Effects of Feminism On Men:

      https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WgVgYjadIgg

    • Mike!

      What manner of troll cave brought you here to Wonkette!? And don’t you know comments aren’t allowed?

      Incidentally- can you recite the US Constitution? And if Ted Cruz knows what it all means, and if there’s more than one interpretation of that document, is everybody else just stupid?

      At first I thought your comment was tongue-in-cheek snark, but grew despondent when I got to the end and realized that you were serious. I’m sorry your world is changing and your belief system doesn’t fit in the wider world anymore.

      • Amillennialist

        Liberty never “fits” in with tyranny.

        • Mike!

          …and a square peg often doesn’t fit in a round hole. Liberty, tyranny. I doubt we could agree on what those terms mean exactly, because I am pretty sure we each feel ourselves strong in our convictions. Is there nothing we could agree on?

      • Marcia Wright Crocker

        Maybe all of your lazy ass belief system doesn’t fit in to anyone but you! Get a job and get off mom and dad’s couch

        • Mike!

          What a delayed response! Wow!
          Again, I’m sorry your world is changing and your belief system doesn’t fit in the wider world anymore.
          Incidentally, I haven’t lived with my parents in over 20 years. Also incidentally, Ted Cruz isn’t going to be elected president, it seems the GOP is imploding right now.
          Good luck with this scary new world!

    • Blerg

      Rafael, is that you?

    • Marcia Wright Crocker

      Who believes the trash? I don’t! They are jealous because he is the actual meaning of brilliant and that’s the way they want to be but can’t!

  • Amillennialist

    So, nescient mockery is all you’ve got.

    How tragic.

    If Ted Cruz were a Democrat espousing the bankrupting and disarming of the Republic, the burning, poisoning, dismembering, and crushing of the unborn, the obliteration of Marriage (when everything’s “marriage,” then nothing is marriage), the abolition of The Bill of Rights, the institutionalized degradation and dependence of millions of people based on the melanin content of their skin, and the support of genocidal anti-Semites and the green-lighting of their nuclear genocide programs, then you’d love him.

    Even if your decades-old anecdotes are accurate, what do those innocuous incidents prove? During their college days, Bill Clinton was protesting against the United States in foreign lands and preying on coeds, and Barack Obama was — wait a minute; apart from a trip to Pakistan (make sure you put the emphasis on the second syllable), we have no idea what he was doing in his college days since he’s sealed his records.

    But they’re heroes to you.

    Instead of embarrassing yourself with craven, clumsy, and baseless ad hominems against someone who consistently defends the Constitution and your rights, point out where Cruz’s positions are inconsistent with Liberty and American tradition.

    • MoreHairyThanJesus

      It was Dumbya Bush who nearly bankrupted the Republic, you disingenuous little fuck. But then you missed that because you spent those eight years gargling Limbaugh’s elastic ball sack.

      • Marcia Wright Crocker

        Rather gargle Limbaugh’s nut sack than suck Obama dick like you morons!

    • Bob Haskell

      WHAT is tragic? Do you actually feel sad on perceiving the misguidedness and errors of the author, or are you just annoyed by them because they are contrary to your own and want to pretend to be above such immaturity and pretend to be capable of looking down on him from the heights of divine compassion?

      How hypocritical. (Now, isn’t it annoying to be categorized in an insulting way?)

      Now you can respond with “How ____________ (adjective of your choice)”. Or you can phrase your annoyance any way you want to. But I am not nescient about the meaning of nescient.

      How am I doing? Am I as snarky as you were? It’s really not hard; in fact it’s too easy. I’m a bit ashamed of myself. But I couldn’t resist.

      I wonder, though. When people fire off comments like yours (and now, mine), do they actually expect to change opinions or enlighten others? Because the effect is the opposite.

      • Marcia Wright Crocker

        We actually don’t care! We are sick of you millenniums having bad grammar and punctuation and still acting as if you are brilliant! We just don’t give a damn as Rhett Butler would say!

        • ericynot .

          Pretty funny: accusing someone of having bad grammar, then saying “millenniums” when the word you want is “millennials” (I suggest you look up both words and learn what they mean). Your punctuation sucks too, BTW.

      • Witness00

        Yes your response has the opposite effect indeed. Santiago isnt going around pretending to be a writer and I am no fan of Cruz, but this was stupid fluff, I only read it cause I like D**ks, they are interesting people. Now go back to your tranny bathroom/safe space and congratulate yourself for being a D**k!

  • susansylvia

    And you are in a position to criticize the man since you are so much more to be admired than he is by virtue of . . . what was that again? Oh, that’s right–you spend your days writing ‘articles’ that are nothing more than big piles of hot steamy unsubstantiated horse crap. I’m guessing you won’t be tapped to be in his cabinet come January.

    • Marcia Wright Crocker

      And she isnt that good of a writer and making fun of Cruz! Bahahhaahahahah

  • Marcia Wright Crocker

    It’s a shame you are such a jealous bitch! Dont get mad because Cruz is so much smarter than you! There are lots of people in this world who are smarter than you!

  • If Cruz were not Cuban, he would have gotten into UTEP, maybe.

  • Kirk

    Liberals have been in power long enough. The country is a dangerous mess and our kids are a mess. Most of them don’t even know who the Vice President is. They don’t understand anything. They have been heavily indoctrinated into the socialist utopian liberal agenda that doesn’t work, has never worked, and will never work. We are despised around the world. Our enemies don’t fear us. And we are the weakest this nation has ever been. The mindset on this site is EXACTLY what’s wrong with this country. The moral compass is broken. Hell….there isn’t even one. These smug young adults don’t have a clue. Yet they think they’re so wise. Anybody who would support a socialist ….and worse….a known liar with a trail of dead bodies and scandal and cheating and theft behind her…just goes to show…to this crowd character means nothing. Why? Because they don’t have any. They don’t value it anybody else. They think they are so compassionate and care…yet they are nothing but bullies who want to force on everybody else their below the belt mentality and morals….and complete lack of common sense. They have no honor or respect of anything but themselves. Hypocrites and traitors to their country. They don’t know the first thing about Donald Trump. They are too shallow to understand the man or bother learning who he really is. They would rather trash the package and never bother to inspect the contents. They are narcissistic dreamers of a world that is not going to happen their way. They will be dead before they ever realize they were wrong. They won’t see it coming because they can’t even identify it. What they think is evil is all bass ackwards. What a vulnerable place to be in. Godless and without humility….they arrogantly lecture the wise and the wise can only shake their heads with pity. Information is not knowledge. And then if you have knowledge…that alone is not even enough. The key is understanding. The ego is the enemy of understanding….. unless it is coupled with humility and courage. This generation has neither.

    • AlphaNerd

      I do not think you are a real person.

    • Tim Lobacz

      Trump = “The ego is the enemy of understanding”

    • fantomch0der

      Generalizations everywhere….. and also ellipsis…with wildly inconsistent lengths and….. spacing.

  • Ben bo

    I heard Ted Cruz was forced by the UN to live in a hobbit house. Does anyone know if this is true?

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