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That's right governor, no teeth.

Former Texas Gov. Rick Perry was asked everyone’s new favorite question Tuesday afternoon. It was on the wingnut Hugh Hewitt’s radio programme, and in response to the question, “Would you attend a gay wedding?” Perry was all:

I probably would, but I think the real issue here is that’s the ‘gotcha’ question that the left tries to get out there.

And then he changed the subject because Perry wants to talk about jobs and defense and NOT GAY STUFF. Hewitt admitted that he’s “part of the problem,” because he asks ALL the Republicans that question, but honestly, Hewitt is not the only one, because the rest of the media, on all sides of the spectrum, is asking all the GOP candidates that question.

So is this a stupid “gotcha” question? NO. Is it a “funny” question? We laugh every time! Ready for Wonkette Think Piece Time? LET’S GO!

Mirror Mirror On The Wall, Who Hates Faggots Most Of All?

Every cretinous passenger in the 2016 GOP clown hearse is trying SO HARD to prove that they are the most gay-hating-est of them all, not because Republican voters in the general election are necessarily all like that, but because the Republican primary voters basically think like ISIS on the subject, though we grant that the primary voters have better manners and slightly better hair.

On Friday, the American Family Association’s loudest hate-squealer Bryan Fischer spent time on his show advising his listeners that IF they are being pressured to go to a gay wedding, they should send the gay couple a nice letter explaining that they are bigots and that they most certainly do NOT give their blessing. Then and only then are they allowed to go, and they are most certainly not allowed to eat any gay cake! According to Right Wing Watch, one of his listeners, “Ricky,” was so upset about Bryan Fischer’s godless liberal advice that he called in to Tony Perkins’s Washington Watch programme, to rant and rave about it:

“The only reason that any Christian would ever attend a homosexual wedding is when the preacher says, ‘Is there any objection to the wedding,’ you stand up and say, ‘Yes, according to the Bible, sodomy, you will burn in Hell for this.’ That is the only reason why any Christian would ever attend a sodomite wedding.”

Settle down, Ricky, no gay couple would EVER invite your Sad Ass to be present on the best day of their lives. But people like Ricky make up a good portion of the Republican base! All Republican GOP candidates say they’re against marriage equality, but the base has been betrayed before. Even Gee Dubya Bush, who was surrounded by gay staffers, betrayed them, by giving them a lot of lip service and really, on balance, not too much red meat action toward their goal of fully de-gaying America.  This is why they’re asking the question. In essence, they’re saying, “Okay, you’re against gay marriage, but HOW HARD are you against it?” (Insert famous The Office joke here.)

If Republican presidential candidates are willing to go to a gay wedding, that means they, in their heart of hearts, do not give a fuck, at least not enough to be President Of The Gay-Bashin’ Jesus Horde. Possible GOP candidate Ohio Gov. John Kasich is totally going to a gay wedding. Marco Rubio said he would, if he loved the gay person enough. Wisconsin Gov. Scott Walker went to a gay RECEPTION for a cousin (probably had so much pizza), but skipped the ceremony. Is he pandering, trying to split the difference between bigotry and human decency? Well, NOW he is, how convenient! But oops, sorry, the New York Times reports that he was off doing important governor business during the ceremony.

The motivations for The Question are also why, as we discussed Monday, a wingnut group by the name of the American Renewal Project is going full balls-out McCarthy, investigating all the GOP candidates for possible gay infiltration of their inner circles, people who might make the candidates a little soft on these issues. On some level, the anti-gay wingnuts know that there are very few people in America who are really WITH them, and they don’t like it.

But Oh, How The GOP Wishes People Would Just Stop ASKING!

The Supreme Court is set to truly, madly and deeply cram gay marriage down the throats of every American citizen in June. The GOP establishment knows this, and they just want the issue to go the fuck away and go to hell and also die. David Koch, who, together with his brother makes up the boy band known as The Koch Brothers, and will help finance a lot of the election on the GOP side, supports gay marriage for God’s sake. The GOP money people want to change the subject SOOOO BAD, which is probably why candidates like Perry are like “uh, whatever, but can we talk about [insert Republican pet issue here] instead?” This is part of why we find the question funny. Ha ha, motherfuckers, you DEAL with that frothing crazy base that you created!

We also find the question interesting, and also amusing, for one other reason. Aside from Rick Santorum, who lives inside of a giant fetus and never comes out unless he’s going on the television, we’re fairly certain that every single person who wants to be The One to lose the presidency to Hillary Clinton probably has gay staffers, gay family members, quisling gay Republican donors who hate themselves, et cetera. (Santorum, for the record, WILL NOT GO to a gay wedding, so take him off your invite list right now.) Back in 2004, when Dubya called for a Federal Marriage Amendment in his campaign platform, his gay staffers had to grin and bear it, because marriage equality support was not the mainstream position yet, it was legal in ONE state, and it wasn’t federally recognized. Now, tons of Republicans support it, alongside the great majority of the country. Also, it’s legal in 39 states now, bitches, soon to be 50, and that’s happening LONG before any of these assclowns will see the inside of the Oval Office (because President Hillary was nice enough to invite them over, of course). It’s not an abstract question anymore. In fact, it’s kind of personal! Ted Cruz told Hugh Hewitt that he’s never been invited to a gay wedding before. But he probably will be one day! WHAT WILL HE DO THEN?

In Summary, And In Conclusion, Also, Too

So, on balance: Gotcha question? Haha sure, we guess, if you want to call it that. I mean, it’s no “Hey Sarah Palin, are you able to read newspapers by yourself?” Which means we can’t hope for any sort of hilarious “ALL OF THEM KATIE” sound bite. But it’s definitely interesting, and super hilarious to watch wingnuts RAGE over it.

But seriously, back to the original question. Would Rick Perry f*ck a groomsman, at a gay wedding? GET ON IT, MEDIA. Ask the other candidates too. It’s time to see exactly where these dudes’ loyalties lie.

[Mediaite]

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  • diogenez

    He might go, but would he wear his glasses?

    • LIT_Fag

      Nah, they’d get in the way while deep throating a big, fat one.

  • MrBlobfish

    The more important question is would he bake a cake for a gay wedding? From what I’ve read, that’s where Jesus draws the line.

    • chicken thief

      But you have to factor in what’s behind Door #2 now – would you bake the cake (or pizza) or-r-r-r-r-r would you take the $800k gofundme hater moniez?

  • chicken thief

    An adult male calls himself “Ricky” and claims he doesn’t suck cock? Bullshit.

    • Villago Delenda Est

      Ricky don’t lose that number!

  • memzilla

    I love that the whole Ghey Wedding thing has really morphed into a “Do you think it’s OK to hate a class of people?” thing. That’s So Raven GOP! Although I don’t recall Barry Goldwater being asked if he would attend an interracial wedding.

    • Thatsit Fortheotherwon

      Who do you hate?
      American politics in four words.

  • chicken thief

    ‘Would Rick Perry fuck a groomsman?’ assumes that there is a groomsman out there somewhere with standards low enough that he’d let Rick bone him.

    That’s way too hypothetical for me.

    • Open bars at weddings tend to lower everyone’s standards.

      • Blank Ron

        I don’t think there’s enough alcohol in the world to lower them THAT much.

      • nothingisamiss

        Sometimes it seems like you know me.

    • Thatsit Fortheotherwon

      I dunno. Watching the way Rick wields that corn dog’s got me thinking…

    • grumblestiltskin

      It’s a trick question. It’s Rick Perry. The fucking isn’t consensual. You can’t opt out.

    • richardgrabman

      You sure Rick is the boner, and not the bonee?

  • Reddishrabbit

    The only reason to object to a wedding is that you are in a bad RomCom or it is a cash bar.

    • Lizzietish81

      Actually I gamed with a guy who had been trying to convince his cousin that her intended had been cheating on her, but she wouldn’t hear of it, so at the wedding, he stood up, objected and presented the evidence which HAD TO BE VIEWED (its a rule!) before the wedding could continue and he successfully convinced her to dump the idiot.

      • Thatsit Fortheotherwon

        God, my life is so boring.

      • Blank Ron

        Now THAT is a RomCom plot!

        • Vienna Woods

          Only if the objector then got the bride- oh wait, cousin…. that’s awkward.

          • Lizzietish81

            Oddly enough, I think MA does allow that.

            That’s not what happened though.

          • Blank Ron

            Depends on the state, I’d think.

      • The problem here is that if one successfully prevents the wedding from happening, some couples will be all “Well, if we’re not getting married today, then no reception (and therefore no free booze).”

        • Blank Ron

          So you’re saying that you’re in favour of bad marriages as long as you get free booze? I’m not criticising, I’m just trying to figure out if I should invite you to mine.

          • Villago Delenda Est

            It means he’s only there for the free booze.

          • I just want to be there for the couple on their happy day. And drink their free booze.

          • Vienna Woods

            We once bartended a stag and doe and then a wedding for a family SO CHEAP that it was cash bar for the wedding, pot-luck supper, AND they were upset that they didn’t make as much money on the bar at the wedding as they did at the stag and doe.
            Oddly, I am typing this in their old house- we bought it several years after.

          • Blank Ron

            Good enough. Mind if we seat you on the ‘more fabulous’ side?

          • Lizzietish81

            Bad marriages are usually the best places to find booze

        • guppy06

          By that point everything has already been paid for, so it makes more sense to simply turn it into a “Dodged a Bullet Party.”

        • Celtic_Gnome

          I don’t understand people who use the Wedding Feast at Canaan as Jesus endorsing marriage. The only two lessons I got from that is (1) if possible, bag the ceremony and only attend the reception, and (2) wedding receptions should not be dry.

      • darnyoudarnyoutoheck

        That, that is…beautiful. It made a tear come to my eye.

      • guppy06

        Was PowerPoint involved? Please say “yes.”

        • Lizzietish81

          yes

      • nothingisamiss

        I want to know the whole story SO BAD.

  • OneYieldRegular

    One of the many things I respect about Barack Obama is that, so far as I know, he has never been so tiny-minded and intellectually fragile as to refuse to answer – or even use the term – a “gotcha” question.

    • MrBlobfish

      So far, Scott Walker’s whole campaign is based on refusing to answer questions. He just needs to hold out for a year and a half and it’ll be smooth sailing into the White House on a tide of Koch brothers’ money.

      • jmk

        He’s counting on the “Splendidly Null” strategy.

  • MrBlobfish

    ♫ What a nice day for a Sodomite Wedding ♫

    • elpinche

      *snarl* *air punch*

  • OneYieldRegular

    No one would invite Ted Cruz to a gay wedding because once he showed up everything would cease being gay.

    • chicken thief

      One pat on his head and you’d have enough lube to fuck the entire wedding party. And Santorum’s dog.

  • grumblestiltskin

    Perhaps the more pertinent question is: Why would he make an exception for the groomsman?

    • MrBlobfish

      He was hot?

  • Lot_49

    The candidates are protecting themselves from the onslaught of nuptials that will ensue when Nino Scalia reads the majority* SCOTUS opinion to the effect that:

    (1) all existing opposite marriages are null and void; and
    (2) everybody must get ghey married stat.
    _____________________
    *8-1. Kennedy abstained.

  • Blank Ron

    I think it’s safe to say that being against gay marriage makes them VERY hard.

    • Thatsit Fortheotherwon

      Stiffens their spines, no doubt.

      • Blank Ron

        Is that what the kids are calling them these days?

      • Wonkaholic

        The few that have spines, anyway.

  • chicken thief

    I can hardly wait to see the sidelong loving glances cast between Doocey and Killemeade when they pop this question on Fox and Friends.

    • MrBlobfish

      Fox and Friends With Benefits

    • Fitzgerald Chesterfield

      Just working on the guest list . . .

  • Thatsit Fortheotherwon

    Ask the real gotcha question. “How many dicks have you sucked this week?”

    • “Have you sucked more dicks this week than last week, or fewer?”

    • Blank Ron

      ‘Have you stopped sucking dick, and if so, can I have his phone number?’

    • guppy06

      “What do you mean? American or European?”

  • nightmoth

    I just wanna know if anybody is fapping to that picture.

    • MrBlobfish

      Eww. Besides the throat-cramming, dude really needs to moisturize. Or is that too gay?

      • geoffalnutt

        How does one moisturize a corn dog? Never mind.

        • vivian

          verrrry carefully

        • Brother Yam

          Mustard, duh…

        • Blank Ron

          Corn dogs with soft, moist coating are not for eating. They’re for laying down and avoiding.

          • jmk

            Some of them are particularly heavy and should be used only for hand-to-hand combat.

          • ThatDale

            I saw a movie like that one time. Wait, what are we talking about?

    • chicken thief

      Oh, come on, now. You’re among friends here – you meant is anybody else fapping to the pic, right?

      • nightmoth

        I do see an unexpected use for Perry’s big mouth.

    • Villago Delenda Est

      Well, no mustard, which means that Ricky is twisted.

  • I honestly don’t know what these people think will happen in front of them or to them at a gay wedding. Or they’re getting invited to hotter gay weddings than I am.

    • MrBlobfish

      What will happen?
      1. Some guy may suck their cock
      2. They may like it

      • Thatsit Fortheotherwon

        1. Doubtful.
        2. Probable.

    • jmk

      At my sister’s gay wedding, all they did was get married…and then we had some lasagne and then cake.
      It was a warm and rainy day, but that’s the only sense in which it was “hot.”

  • Ryan Denniston

    “Rick Perry Might Go To A Gay Wedding, But Would He F*ck A Groomsman?”

    Well, he is cramming ALL of the corndog down his throat!

    THANKS OBAMA!!!

  • Poly_Ester

    When its Rick Perry, they are all gotcha questions.

    • Thatsit Fortheotherwon

      What’s your name, Rick?

      • Blank Ron

        ‘Well, I’m no scientist, but…’

      • Poly_Ester

        “How do you spell your name, Rick” would definitely be a gotcha.

    • guppy06

      “Who does your hair?”

    • Mehmeisterjr

      Name three things.

  • janecita

    I’ve been nagging my cousin and his boyfriend to get marry. My other two gays friends don’t want to get marry yet. Wtf, do I have to do to get invited to a gay wedding? Even Walker got to go to one, life is so unfair.

    • Ryan Denniston

      Have you picked out the pizza place yet?

      • janecita

        I keep on dropping not so subtle hints about nice locations. Pizza places are not on the list. I don’t want them to offend Cheeses Christ.

        • Ryan Denniston

          Though that is a most excellent name for a pizza place.

          • Blank Ron

            Try our new He Is Risen Crust!

          • Thatsit Fortheotherwon

            Find the Pope in the pizza!

          • Meanie-meanie, tickle a person

            And their Easter Egg and Chocolate Bunny pizza…

  • I really do wonder at what point the right-wing voter base gets so far out there that the money guys just can’t even any more.

    • Thatsit Fortheotherwon

      The fact that we’re not there yet bodes poorly.

  • Blank Ron

    I wish our Wonkette would stop running pics of GOOPers eating corn dogs. It makes me feel weird every time I heat one up for lunch. Though I have found I can get a whole one in my mouth now…

    • I love corndogs. Symbolic and actual.

      • janecita

        Eww, real corndogs are vile. I’d stick to the symbolic ones.

  • JustPixelz

    It’s a fair question that gauges sincerity. I’d compare it to asking someone who favors the death penalty if they’d be OK firing a friend at work.

    Are there any weddings I would not attend? Probably wouldn’t go to a mail-order bride deal. That’s about it.

    • Blank Ron

      What if there’s an open bar?

  • Spotts1701

    “Ricky” sounds like a guy who spends a lot of time being flung through doorways and into gutters.

    • Villago Delenda Est

      “We don’t serve your kind here, fake four-eyes!”

  • Villago Delenda Est

    I’ve got a bad tendency to simply avoid attending weddings, period. Straight, gay, man on turtle, whatever.

  • AKLynne

    The problem with that picture is that every time I see it I get hungry for a corn dog covered in mustard. I need to find a county fair somewhere I guess.

    • Awesome Man

      One of those and a funnel cake and I’m set.

      • ahughes798

        OT…but at the county fair last year they had caramel funnel cake. My knees get weak just thinking about it.

  • Ryan Denniston

    Question: if “Yes, according to the Bible, sodomy, you will burn in Hell for this,” then does this mean no more bjs and ice cream?

    • Nounverb911

      You only get recalled Blue Bell ice cream.

      • vivian

        Blue balls and blue bells

      • Villago Delenda Est

        References old, and references as fresh as this morning’s headlines! The Wonketariat is on the job!

    • SFRealness

      He then expanded….”If you don’t bring a good high SPF sunscreen! Hell is fabulous this time of year – not as hot as Palm Springs, and the Go Go Boys are truly devilish!”

  • Wonkaholic

    As governor, Rick has fucked many a groomsman. Those of the Texas taxpayer variety, anyway.

  • Wonkaholic

    You deal with the frothing crazy base you have, not with the frothy crazy base you wish you had.

  • Viva La Tabula Raza

    “they are most certainly not allowed to eat any gay cake!”
    Well, they are allowed to eat that cake but only if it was prepared by an anti-gay bakery under severe pressure from the liberal LBGT-agenda-forwarding media.

    • Rumor has it that Christian bakers who make cakes under those circumstances will put something in the cake you don’t want to eat. Because of Christ’s love.

      • Blank Ron

        His thick, creamy, copious love…

        • Vienna Woods

          Ew.

  • Walter Wellstone

    I remember seeing a Porsche Boxter with a bumper sticker that read “Rick Perry Loves Baby Dick” one time while driving down on Austin’s MoPac Expressway. Just sayin’.

  • exinkwretch

    If your base is frothing, the heat is too high. Turn down the damn burner! Also, fuck Gov. Goodhair. That witless prick will as much luck this election cycle as he did the last one.

    • vivian

      Gov. Goodhair x Election Cycle = lather, rinse, repeat

  • artem1s

    meh, I’m with the loser GOP clown car klastch on this one. I’d much rather the media were outing them on how they plan to screw the poors, blahs, browns, and screeching hoards of Hillzombies (feminazis). also,too their wonderful insights on rape and how slutty all the wimmenz are. I’m all for taking advantage of a wedge issue to engage the millennials. But giving bigots the ‘love the sinner, hate the sin’ option of appearing magnanimous by attending a ghey ceremony whilst simultaneously working on NIMBY legislation at their state level isn’t anywhere in the realm of gotcha journalism. They get to spout hellfire and pat themselves on the back for their tolerance all at the same time. They’re stoopid for not recognizing an opportunity to look less like horrible bigots, get the question out of the way and let the village idiot pundits harp on it for the whole 30 seconds it will take them to get distracted by some other pressing issue (would you totally divorce your wife for having cankles? where do you stand on Obummercare death panels for lie-burals, hahahah, we know the answer to that one!).

  • Me not sure

    As a purveyor of Carny Corn Dogs, I hereby do swear that I will never ever Carny Corn Dog cater a gay wedding, even if they got down on their knees and begged for it! Can I getz my munnies now?

  • Me not sure

    Is that corn dog going In, or has it been pushed so far up his ass it’s coming out?
    BTW : Is Rick standing next to Adolph Hitler?

    • Mickey Donovan

      It’s Rick’s doppelgänger, their mommy dresses them alike.

    • Bear OmNomNom

      He’d go to a ghey wedding, but only if it was Ernst Röhm’s. Night of the Long Knives libelz!!1!

      • Me not sure

        So it is Hitler. I thought so.

  • AnOuthouse

    I would go to a gay wedding but only for the pizza.

  • Blackest Noobs

    would rick perry fuck a groomsman?

    well depends how hot that groomsman is; according to my Austin City Limits sources, Rick plays a straight but he likes to dabble in the gay sex…A LOT.

    not saying this is a bad thing, but Ricky, just be who you really are, a closeted gay dude hiding behind glasses because you think it makes you look smarter. we’re ok if you’re gay and all, just not so ok with you being so dumb.

  • Ambignostic

    If would go to a gay wedding to bang on the window and run off with one of the grooms.

  • dshwa

    Rick knows me might go to the wedding, or he might go but not give a gift, or… wait he forgot the third option.

    • Vecciojohn

      Psst. RIck, it’s “fuck a groomsman.” You might “fuck a groomsman” at a gay wedding.

  • BearGHAZI

    Would any of them [2016 contenders] accept a blowjob from their wives, or is that sodomy?

    • Zippy

      Ha! Republican Stepford wives don’t do blow jobs after they get married. Once you’ve got that ring there’s no need to- the best those GOP men can hope for is a Mandy Pepperidge style hand job, complete with latex glove. It’s why Republican men are always so angry and obsessed with everyone else’s sex lives…

  • Vecciojohn

    It is totally bad form to fuck a groomsman at a gay wedding. That’s what the reception is for.

  • guppy06

    Santorum, for the record, WILL NOT GO to a gay wedding, so take him off your invite list right now.

    Santorum always shows up during the honeymoon, though.

    • Mehmeisterjr

      Take him off invite lists for straight weddings while you’re at it. Santorum is the ultimate party pooper.

      • Bear OmNomNom

        I see what you did there!

  • Zippy

    Dear bigots, no one cares if you would go to a ghey wedding or not. Really. Go-don’t go. Nobody cares. What the rest of us do care about- is that you assholes quit trying to prevent other people from going to ghey weddings just because you personally find them icky and keep trying to make them illegal. Stay home and watch Saturday afternoon infomercials if that ghey wedding scares you so much. No one will miss you. Just quit interfering with everyone else’s happiness

    • ahughes798

      I will never understand why the anti-ghey cannot live by the simple concept you have so beautifully laid out, Zippy. It’s depressing.

      • Zippy

        Because they’re assholes- meddling, self righteous, moral scold assholes

  • Mehmeisterjr

    As a follow-up question, gentlemen, would you go to a gay bachelor party?

    Ted Perry: “Go? Hell, I was the intertainment.”

  • Jen_Baker_VA

    Wisconsin Gov. Scott Walker probably was that annoying person rapping his spoon against the glass every five friggin minutes.

  • Guest

    I’m tired of the picture of Rick Perry smokin’ a corn dog. That is a corn dog, isn’t it? It doesn’t appear to be polymer.

  • Celtic_Gnome

    Like any respectable gay couple would invite any of these assclowns to celebrate with them. They’d probably wear brown shoes with a tux and end up in absolutely every single picture.

  • Seattle Rain

    Memo to dumbass Republicans: Quit sucking on corn dogs in public!

    Do your sucking in private like normal Republicans.

  • disraeli56

    It has always puzzled me why politicians always seem to fellate corn dogs and the other stick mounted tubular foodlike objects.

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