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She took Ted Cruz's dad to an Indigo Girls concert

It’s very tough to be a “family values” conservative these days! The Republican Party, for many years now, has viewed its wingnut anti-gay base as A Great Big Useful Idiot, so they all have a contest to see who can pay them the most lip service about God Hates Fags, and then they elect people who totally BETRAY THEM by failing to ban gays from even existing. Ken Mehlman used to run the RNC, and then he magically turned into a homosexual and now fights for so-called gay “marriage.” Laura Bush thinks it’s okay for the homosexuals to get married too! And do not even get them STARTED on Cindy and Meghan McCain, those gay-lovin’ bitches. So a group of wingnuts that calls itself the American Renewal Project has decided to go full McCarthy, investigating all the 2016 candidates, as well as their families and staff members, to see what kinda homosexuals and gay-lovers they’re hiding:

Tired of being duped by conservative-sounding Republican presidential candidates who secretly harbored support for gay marriage, abortion and other socially liberal issues, evangelical pastors plan to investigate the backgrounds of White House hopefuls and their top aides.

“Personnel is policy,” said David Lane, whose American Renewal Project is working with 100,000 pastors to push 80 million evangelicals and 40 million Catholics who typically don’t vote to the polls in 2016 to elect a conservative Republican.

Lane is already reportedly very mad about Jeb Bush having an aide who is a Known Gay who loves activist judges, like the one who forced all of California into accepting gay marriage, in their throats. and he wants to know what all the candidates’ wives think too, because ladies have a well-known liberal bias. Lane sent a memo to his top 100,000 pastor buddies saying that “[t]he challenge facing faith-grounded conservatives in 2016 is that candidates, and all those surrounding them, staff and family members, say one thing during the campaign, but then govern in the exact opposite manner once in office.” Awww boo boo, it’s almost like they pander to them for votes but don’t actually give two fucks about their issues once they’re in office. Keep thinking about it, Mr. Lane, you’ll get there!

Lane says he isn’t anti-gay though! Don’t accuse him of anything like that. He just wants to make sure that the 2016 GOP nominee is an unelectable buffoon who hates gays, that’s all. And in a way, we would be okay with that, because sorry dude, but America is just fine with the gay marriage these days, and also they do not care about your dumb “religious freedom.”

Lane, who used to “stay drunk all night and sell Bibles all day” when he was in college — such a common story! — has managed to become very influential with the most wingnutty of the GOP clown car occupants, taking them on sexy nicetime trips to Israel and introducing them to his Jesus friends at his Pastors And Pews events, which sound super fun. The New York Times reports on one such event in March:

One afternoon last week, David Lane watched from the sidelines as a roomful of Iowa evangelical pastors applauded a defense of religious liberty by Senator Ted Cruz of Texas. That night, he gazed out from the stage as the pastors surrounded Gov. Bobby Jindal of Louisiana in a prayer circle.

Aww, that’s nice! Cruz says that Lane is “a good friend,” and Jindal says he’s “a great friend,” the suck-up. But they’re gonna have to be investigated too, just to make sure that there are no homosexuals hiding in their underbrush OR their undercarriages! Wonkette is very much looking forward to what he finds! Does Rand Paul have a gay poolboy? Does Ted Cruz’s dad ever search “Benjamin Netanyahu naked” on the Googles? IS LINDSEY GRAHAM HIDING ANYTHING POSSIBLY MAYBE?

We will anxiously await Lane’s discoveries, and write about them with giddy hearts and boners.

[Washington Examiner via Raw Story]

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  • SuspectedDemocrat

    Where were these guys when Dick Cheney was running.

    • Virginia Dreaming

      On their knees?

    • guppy06

      Keeping their faces buckshot-free.

  • Mehmeisterjr

    So Cruz and Jindal say that David Lane is a “great” and “good” friend. Wasn’t a “great and good friend” Timestyle for a couple shacking up?

  • MsAnthropesMr

    “Pastors and Pew, Pew, Pews?” Is that where we take our penis substitutes on Sunday?

    • JustPixelz

      I do not have — or need! — a penis substitute, if you know what I mean.

      • Land Shark

        So we’ve seen ….

  • Toomush_Infer

    Let’s start with Lane….

    • JustPixelz

      Nathan’s brother?

      • Land Shark

        Can’t be … he isn’t that talented.

        • YourMom

          Nathan is so much more evolved…a superior human all the way around. OK…I”m just a groveling Nathan Lane fan. I’ll admit that.

  • Virginia Dreaming

    Lane is working very hard to find a date. Isn’t there some kind of website or app that would make it easier than trying to get in every political closet? Maybe Aaron would give him a pity fuck or something.

    • riledupone

      As long as they don’t immortalize the event on Instagram.

    • Blank Ron

      He could try ChristainDingleberries.com

  • bikerlaureate

    …is that candidates, and all those surrounding them, staff and family members, say one thing during the campaign, but then govern in the exact opposite manner once in office.

    As if family members – particularly wimmin ones – help “govern” ?

  • janecita

    He should send Ted Haggard to investigate. He has an eye for this kind of things.

  • edith prickly

    Oh yay, a wingnut-on-wingnut witchhunt! This should end well.

    • Villago Delenda Est

      For us sane people.

    • April

      I’ll make popcorn!

  • Joshua Norton

    First thing to check for is if any of their homes or offices have Downton Abbey theme decor! That’s always a dead give-away.

    • Relativicus

      Also, if they happen to be a senior senator from Gay Town South Carolina With The Gays Gaying Over Everything.

  • weejee

    80 million evangelicals and 40 million Catholics Opus Dei wackadoodles

    Oooooh those maths are hard, but lessee, 80 millions plus 40 millions, gives us a zero, then a two, and a one to carry. So that’s 120 million homophobes, or 38% of the population of the USA, USA, USA?

    / shudders

    • weejee

      Also and too with the maths. Wikistats say there are only about 60 million evangelicals in the US, and about 70M Catholics. Some stinky statistics, by Pew obviously, say 20% of evangelicals voted for Nobummer, while about 45% of Catholics did. Doing quik numbers to deduct the Bamz folks from the Wiki numbers gives 48 mil evilgelicals and 38 mil Catholics would remotely would be looking to put some gheys on the barbie. Think the Renewers are suffering a bit of inflation.

      • Paperless Tiger

        Prolly all the multiple personalities.

      • Relativicus

        Yay, Pope Awesome. I was worried I was outnumbered.

        • weejee

          And likely many of the Catholics who voted for Mittens, use birth control and are not looking to bring back the inquisition.

          / sneaks qwik peek over shoulder to make sure that zombie Sister Caligula is not sneaking up from behind to rap my left knuckles for the ninety-twoteenth time for picking-up that crayon or spoon with the wrong hand.

      • Land Shark

        I’ll bet their wives know all about the “inflation” part … some things just don’t measure up.

  • Walter Wellstone

    Lane better keep his rent-a-boys happy. The last thing he needs is for one of them to come forward and spill the beans (pun intended).

  • nightmoth

    So, the evangelical pastors will investigate the conservatives to find gays in their family/friends closet? Phhht–all the candidates have to do is repeat that evangelical lie about “Hate the sin, love the sinner.” Checkmate.

  • Spotts1701

    Awful early to start the intra-party bloodletting. At least let us get the drop cloths down.

    • elviouslyqueer

      Seriously. This is going to make the Red Wedding look like a Hamptons cocktail party.

      • weejee

        ♪ Gonna be a white wetting daze ♪

    • Vecciojohn

      And get some popcorn.

    • SterWonk

      To be fair, isn’t the primary process by definition intra-party bloodletting?

      • Spotts1701

        Well, that’s at least reasonably civilized. This, however, is basically handing everyone a baseball bat at letting them go to town on everyone else.

  • Bill T.

    Lane isn’t anti-gay, but he sure would like it if all the pro-gay candidates wore a pink triangle to identify themselves, or something similar.

  • elviouslyqueer

    For the last quarter century, Evangelicals have been discipled by the likes of Karl Rove, Steve Schmidt, Ken Mehlman, and Meghan McCain. Haven’t they done enough damage?

    Wait a second. This asshole is criticizing Karl Rove for being a moderate? Oh honey, you really need to see a doctor about upping your meds, bless your heart.

    • Virginia Dreaming

      When I first read your post I thought you wrote disciplined. I agree with your point, but it was more fun to picture them disciplining evangelicals.

      • YourMom

        I confess to the same mind picture–in a dark dungeon somewhere.

    • Tallmutha

      I’m pretty sure he means “closeted gays like Karl Rove, Steve Schmidt, etc.”

  • Blueb4sunrise
  • Virginia Dreaming

    I got this image from a google search. Perhaps David Lane doesn’t hate the gheys as much as he thinks he does. [img]http://i.imgur.com/LEVIcdi.jpg[/img]

  • schmannity

    Are you or anyone you know or employ now or have ever been . . .

  • kindness

    Good Christians To Smoke All The Homosexuals Out Of 2016 Candidates’ Hidey-Holes
    Are they doing this because it is 4/20? Do Christians have better stuff than I do?

    • YourMom

      That’s why you’d better work and vote for legal pot everywhere!

  • schmannity

    Now these 40 million Catholics. Will they be outing their parish priest?

    • Jen_Baker_VA

      40 million Catholics pretty much think Evangelical is code for smarmy snake charmin’ future roaster, and 80 million Evangelicals feel the same way about Catholics, so not sure how a call to get them all on the same side is really gonna work. But it sure will be fun to watch and see!

      • Relativicus

        Ahem. 80 million evangelicals think Catholics are pawns of the demon-spawned Pope. Understanding what position every side holds is critical to understanding people who hold differing beliefs. Which is necessary for wiping them out. The bastards.

        • Jen_Baker_VA

          They are the pawns of the demon-spawned pope.
          :D
          I like the current Demon-spawned pope myself, though, he’s feisty.
          I don’t think it is necessary to wipe em out, even with votes. Their own infighting will take care of them nicely. We should, however, consider stoking the fire under the tenuous alliance these different denominations are currently laboring under (psssttt, that dang Cath’o lick just called you a sissy boy) and then sit back as they barricade themselves into compounds waiting for the ATF, BLM or those damned non-christian (insert opposing denomination here) to come at ’em.
          I’ll bring the popcorns

      • YourMom

        Not to mention that true evangelicals think Mormons aren’t true Christians…there goes another several million voters.

      • Steely_Fan

        “Smarmy snake charmin’ future roasters” is my new name for my jazz-funk-fusion band!

  • One way to identify the gheys – a method with historically proven success – is to ask them to wear some kind of identifying badge or marker. Pink is a good color, because it catches the eye, and triangles are easy to cut out.

    • Me not sure

      So are the gays after they put the triangles on.

      • Blank Ron

        Ouch.

    • Celtic_Gnome

      Pastels. I’m thinking pastels.

  • schmannity

    It’s a pity that Lane can’t employ a really aggressive McCarthy attorney who is committed to the cause like Roy Cohn.

    • Me not sure

      I heard his nickname was “Ice Cream”.

  • Alex Grey

    *sigh*

    • willi0000000

      how did you ever find an Oglaf that is SFW?

      • Me not sure

        Unless you’re a bishop or something.

      • Tansy Geek

        They very helpfully label them in the archives now. Just in case you don’t want your co-workers to know about the cum sprite.

      • Anarchy Pony

        MISTRESS!

  • ThePuckStopsHere

    I’m guessing that David Lane is a 3-wetsuit kind of guy, min.

  • Vecciojohn

    I say enough of this shoving gay stuff down people’s throats. It’s time to start shoving it up their asses, where it belongs!

  • Sebastian Melmoth

    Eighty million evangelicals? Out of a population of three hundred million? How are we defining evangelical here?

    • Me not sure

      I don’t know how this smut got into the discussion, but I’m OK with it.

      • FauxAntocles

        Read the hat!

        • Me not sure

          There’s a hat?…. Ohhhhh! Thanx!

          • Villago Delenda Est

            You know, for some reason, I never noticed that hat. At all.

          • Me not sure

            I did briefly think that I saw two beanies.

      • Blank Ron

        Smut? Clearly she’s relaxing by the pool somewhere in Ontario, where such displays are not only legal but encouraged.

    • I uh…er, I don’t. I. I’ll be right back.

      • Msgr_Moment

        I would like to thank Mr. Melmoth for shoving the hetero down our throats, just this once.

        • SterWonk

          You’re the Space Pope (Crocodylus pontifex!); aren’t you celibate? Or did that rule go out sometime before 3001?

    • Blank Ron

      *tries to not look at picture* I think it’s being defined as ‘whatever number we think people will believe.’ One of the more amusing features of the Evangelicals is how gleefully they will excommunicate anyone who hasn’t drunk ALL the kool-ade, which means that their numbers are in fact decreasing – and fast. Especially since most of them are teh oldz too…

  • Relativicus

    “Lane, who used to “stay drunk all night and sell Bibles all day” when he was in college…”

    So he’s still making money off religion? Good, good. It’s important we all find a path in life and stick to that path. And rummaging through the pockets of the “faith-grounded” (how is that a term?!?) is as good a path as any.

  • Callyson

    The wingnut infighting is starting early this year, I see…

  • exinkwretch

    Lane is already busy cruising, I mean searching, highway rest stop restrooms and night club bathrooms.

  • timpundit

    If your giddy boner lasts for longer than 7 hours please see a giddy doctor.

  • Vecciojohn

    Something odd about Lindsey Graham? Chris Wallace already looked into that, nothing to see here folks, move along. http://www.rawstory.com/2015/04/foxs-chris-wallace-puts-lindsey-graham-on-psychiatrist-couch-to-find-out-why-hes-still-a-bachelor/

  • Gristle McThornbody

    Non-existent Jesus Christ almighty! When the hell are they going to start taxing churches? They’re more politically active than 75% of the general population. Pay to play, you fuckers.

    • mailman27

      Amen!!1!111!!!! Er, I mean hear, hear!

    • Land Shark

      The parishioners tithe to the church, the church tithes to the gubmint. Works for me.

      • Blank Ron

        Render unto Caesar!
        Wait, does that make Obama the dictator of Washington?

  • Randy Riddle

    I can never remember if witches float or sink when you throw them in the water. Perhaps they can enlighten me on this.

    • willi0000000

      not a witch – sinks (and drowns)

      witch – floats (so burn her)

      [infallable!]

      • Zippy

        does she weigh the same as a duck?

        • Villago Delenda Est

          This is key. It’s even more important than her being made out of wood.

        • vivian

          Aha! A man of science!

          • Blank Ron

            Remind me, how do we know the Earth to be banana-shaped? Asking for Ray Comfort.

        • mrpuma2u

          It’s a fair cop

      • Anarchy Pony

        Build a bridge out of her!

    • Tansy Geek

      As shown below, the water test has drawbacks. What you really need to look for is the supernatural third nipple.

      • Beaumarchais?

        Markie Mark is a witch? Woh.

      • H0mer0

        I have quite a few patients with 3rd and 4th nipples, not that I ever ask them about their wiccan beliefs

  • JustPixelz

    “Personnel is policy,” said David Lane.

    Exhibit A: The Iraq War

  • JustPixelz

    That night, he gazed out from the stage as the pastors surrounded Gov. Bobby Jindal of Louisiana in a prayer circle.

    A “prayer” circle. Is that what the kids are calling it these days?

    • kindness

      Pay no attention to that fapping sound.

    • Beaumarchais?

      Well, they keep saying “Oh God, oh God!!”

    • Ricky Gay

      that bishop isn’t going to polish itself

  • handyhippie65

    oh, this will be good. a bunch of pastors trying to apply a religious test for the teapublicon candidates. can anyone say unconstitutional, anyone? but go ahead, i need a good laugh.

    • Villago Delenda Est

      James Madison will be, in retrospective abstentia, subjected to this.

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      Nothing unconstitutional about a political party applying a religious test.
      Profoundly stupid, yes, but not unconstitutional.

      • handyhippie65

        i suppose you’re right. it is just the actual gov. that can’t enforce a religious test. sorry. u da man.

  • rabid_baboon

    I don’t have a problem with this. We should know who the hypocritical “family values” candidates are. Hint: the answer all of them.

    • Land Shark

      So who will throw their “photographer” under the bus first? I bet Huckabee.

      • Vecciojohn

        I can’t see a lot of gays at a Huck family possum toss-n-fry.

        • Land Shark

          We may not see them, but I bet they have some mighty big closets in the Huckabee family ….

        • H0mer0

          yeah, if there were, you woulda thought at least he would dress them better

          • dommyluc

            The vertical stripes ain’t working the way they’re supposed to, Fuckabees.

          • YourMom

            Thought exactly the same thing.

  • smitallica

    I like how these anti-gay zealots think this president is a power-mad dictator, yet can still hope the arch-conservative THEY elect next will repeal legal gay marriage in 38 states and counting, presumably by fiat. Must be nice to be too stupid to experience cognitive dissonance.

    • Zippy

      ignorance is bliss

      • Vecciojohn

        Don’t tell me that!

      • Celtic_Gnome

        They sure seem to be angry for a blissful lot.

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      What part of “cognitive” don’t you get?

  • sohadicouldsplit

    Dave will search each glory!- hole
    No pol will go unsmoked
    Each candidate will have a date
    All chickens will be choked
    Now fam and staff– you’d best not laugh
    When sadly he will say:
    “I’ve probed and probed, yes all of them.
    But I’m the only gay!”

    • Me not sure

      It’s, like Calliope, Erato, and Polyhymnia have become as one!

  • Land Shark

    What happens if none of the candidates pass the ghey test? Does that mean they won’t vote at all?

    • artem1s

      Romneybot 2016 to the rescue!

      • Land Shark

        when all the gheys in the world appear
        and flaunt the fab that’s so severe
        and frighten straights who see or hear
        the cry goes up both far and near
        for RomneyBot! RomneyBot! RomneyBot! RomneyBot!

        • Biel_ze_Bubba

          Sadly for the Xtard bigots, not even the Bot Itself has the requisite level of hatred:

          Piers Morgan: “What is the gay right that you’re in favor of?”

          Mitt Romnoid: “Equal rights in employment, equal rights in … I mean, for
          instance, as the Governor, I had members of my team that were gay. I
          appointed a couple of judges who apparently I find out were gay. Look, I
          didn’t ask people their sexual orientation.”

          Morgan: “Does your faith mean that you view homosexuality as a sin?”

          Romnoid: “I separate quite distinctly matters of personal faith from the leadership that one has in a political sense.”

          http://2012.republican-candidates.org/Romney/Same-Sex.php

          • Celtic_Gnome

            Ha! Ha! Romney thinks he has political sense.

          • SterWonk

            I just spent the last twenty minutes looking on Wikiquote, but I couldn’t find the exact West Wing reference I wanted. Bartlet said something along the lines of “I’m Catholic, I’m pro-life, if anyone asks for my advice, I’ll tell them so, but I’m not going to legislate this.” Which is a perfectly good answer. Good on Mitt.

          • Biel_ze_Bubba

            For all his faults, Mitt was in fact an intelligent guy… too much so. It’s hard to be smart and also pander to the GOP’s knuckledragger demographic, unless you’re also a venal shitweasel. (Exhibit A: the denizens of the GOP primary clown car.)

      • YourMom

        Maybe this is a Romney operation to cut out the competition….. bwahahahahahahahhaaaaa

    • Zyxomma

      I wish!!

  • elpinche

    Sharpening stones
    Walking on coals,
    To improve your business acumen…

  • “surrounded Gov. Bobby Jindal of Louisiana in a prayer circle jerk”

    FTFY

    • Vecciojohn

      Actually, I can see something like that happening to Bobby in junior high.

      • sohadicouldsplit

        Which is why he never had any lunch money.

  • Anarchy Pony

    Hey xtards, if your dumbass god is real, he’ll sort them dirty sinners out when they die, so simmer the fuck down.

    • Villago Delenda Est

      They can’t wait. They need to feel their anger NAO!

      • Zippy

        self righteousness, also too

    • Rick Hill

      I thought an all powerful gawd wouldn’t need followers that lie, cheat, bend the rules, go against all the commandments, etc. etc. etc….

      • Zippy

        It’s hard to get good help these days

        even for the Almighty…

      • Biel_ze_Bubba

        Doesn’t need, and DOESN’T WANT, Xtard bigots please take note.

      • Blank Ron

        Their omniscient, omnipotent, omnipresent God seems kinda, I dunno, weak and ineffectual. Thank Himself that He has all these fanatics to do His job for Him, eh?

    • Vecciojohn

      Yer muscling in on the Holy Ghost’s turf, see, and He don’t like it so good, know what I’m sayin’?

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      They so desperately want to make sure that they get in some smiting of their own. It’s almost as if they aren’t 100% certain that their god will really come through for them, after they’re dead and gone, and punish them evil, agenda-having gays.

  • orygoon

    Those numbers for nonvoters have to be wrong for a presidential-year election.

    • Vecciojohn

      Un-skewed Republican math. Just wait, it’ll be right any minute now.

  • Pierre_de_Fermat

    ” … working with 100,000 pastors to push 80 million evangelicals and 40 million Catholics … ”
    He’s working with the Papists? Well, I never …

    • OctopiRage

      So he’s ramming non-gayness down their throats?

  • Rick Hill

    I don’t know which will be better: Watching the candidates waste time and money ferreting out possible liabilities or the campaigns which will be made by folks who couldn’t create their way out of a gayly decorated paper bag and approved by people who love Kirk Cameron’s movies.

    • TheBidenator

      No one loves Kirk Cameron movies except for Ray Comfort and his banana hand…

      • Jenny

        Oh how I wish this was true…

    • YourMom

      Just out of curiosity–if they force major candidates to fire gay staffers, where do you think said staffers will turn their energies?

  • Villago Delenda Est

    These people really need to look into hobbies or something else to distract them from their obsession with homosexuality.

    It’s making them look like twits.

    • Me not sure

      Decoupage, perhaps.

      • Mehmeisterjr

        Downtown Abbey memorabilia collecting.

        • Me not sure

          Shouldn’t that be Downtown Arby’s

          • Msgr_Moment

            So, you’re saying that’s horsey sauce?

    • Ricky Gay

      they really seem to be milking it

  • Peripatetic Poltroon

    Since ladies have a well-known liberal bias, maybe THEY SHOULDN’T INSIST ON A CANDIDATE MARRIED TO ONE!! Will no one think of the cognitive dissonance?

  • malsperanza

    Awesome. There is nothing about this story that does not make me happy.

    Except maybe this: “…his top 100,000 pastor buddies.”

    That is a lot of fuckwads.

    • Hemp Dogbane

      That is a lot of topping, even for a champ like this guy.

    • Blank Ron

      Keep in mind, these are people who not only exaggerate (ie lie) but think Jeebus approves of it.

      • YourMom

        Agree–and they like to assume EVERYONE thinks just like they do. Wankers.

      • Amy!

        Yeah, I’m guessing that their numbers are off by at least one order of magnitude. Ten thousand pastors, eight million fundies, four million cathoholics? Possible. A thousand, eight hundred thousand, and four hundred thousand? Yeah, no argument.

        Who’s gonna listen to this fathead if he tells the truth about the size of his penis army?

        • ButchWagstaff

          It’s like the One Million Moms who have a grand total of 70,001 “likes” on FB because, as we all know, liking something on FB really does affect things IRL and 70,001 = 1,000,000.

    • Celtic_Gnome

      I think that’s the number of fuckwads you can balance on the head of a pin.

  • cousin itt

    “stay drunk all night and sell Bibles all day” and in honor of 4/20 here in Denver and trust me on this, there are stoners EVERYWHERE.

  • JohnE_o

    Wow – he is really going to be surprised when he finds out about the large percentage of Catholics who are really okay with SSM and the gays in general.

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      Shhh … don’t spoil the fun.

  • BloviateMe

    Haha…Chris Hayes is doing a pretty good job of blasting Judith Miller. She’s getting pissy, I love it.

    • cousin itt

      So, she and her NYT mates could not find anyone to go on record and say our invasion was a bad idea or that there were no WMDs. At least, that’s what I thought I heard. Good to see Chris committing journalism.

      Is there room at the Hague line-up for Judith Miller?

      • BloviateMe

        If the Hague has no vacancies, there’s always the wall of loving correction.

      • YEVGENYTHERASKOLNIK

        Do you mean to tell us that they ignored our marches? I’ll admit it’s hard to take the puppets seriously, but the numbers, man, the numbers…didn’t that mean anything?

    • Me not sure

      When is she not pissy, again?

      • BloviateMe

        Beating the war drum seemed to put a special spring in her step.

        • Me not sure

          Geese get that too.

          • BloviateMe
          • H0mer0

            Aw, I thought since there was “Pet” in the title that there were LOL cats (I don’t listen to that much metal usually even though I have nothing against it.)
            On a side note, I don’t think they counted the civilian casualties in Iraq and Afghanistan.

          • Me not sure

            That would be like tying to count snow flakes as they fall.

          • Me not sure

            A cheery little lilt that I capered to all through breakfast.

  • Gorillionaire

    Look, pastor, you’ll be voting for Nathan Lane if that who winds up running against Hillz, so relax.

    • YourMom

      Hell, I’d vote for Nathan Lane above almost anybody. I love the guy.

  • Biel_ze_Bubba

    “It’s almost like they pander to them for votes but don’t actually give two fucks about their issues once they’re in office.”
    Funny how that works – and has worked since at least the days of Nixon, you fucking imbeciles!

    • Land Shark

      “This time it’ll be different!

      • Biel_ze_Bubba

        If you mean they won’t throw their votes at whoever the GOP hawks up . . . we can only hope.

        • Land Shark

          Nah mang. They’ll think this candidate isn’t a full on hypocrite. Do they pray away the disappointment every, single time?

          • Ulricii

            They’re used to that pattern of disappointment followed by immediate re-start. Happens every time when the clock ticks past the latest Rapture prediction. What’s that definition of insanity again?

    • YourMom

      Absolutely explained to me in pretty much those terms by one of those Wall Street guys who writes big ass checks to the RNC. The religious right are their useful idiots and they have no intention of following through on those issues of sexuality or abortion.

      • Left Coast Tom

        Well…there’s certainly no “following through” in states where “those Wall Street guys” live or would ever want to live. In fact, CA expanded abortion access last year. Elsewhere…

      • Pierre_de_Fermat

        But the nuts have been taking over the lower ranks of the party. So they may not be so much into the same issues as Wall Street. And it gets interesting in that in the south, their grand parents were pretty fervently New Deal, so there has to be an overriding dogma to keep them in line … how about worshiping the free market and American exceptionalism. Just to be sure, keep up a steady diet of fear of: teh gehz, teh blahs, teh brownz, the terrible, terrible “liberals”, anyone “different”. Could keep them distracted for a generation, by which time maybe they will have forgotten.

      • JAWs

        I duno. SOME will do so (as Indiana realized to it’s horror.)

        The bigger problem is why DEMOCRATS would even bother pandering to these people (and it wasn’t that long ago that “the gay” was a big 3rd rail that neither party wanted to touch.)

    • Calimaria

      The Southern Strategy, how does it work?

  • m3bosha

    Is purity test time like peanut butter jelly time? No? Damn.

  • Enfant Terrible

    This is a great plan! What could possibly go wrong???

    • Left Coast Tom

      They could discover the answer(s) that they’re looking for but don’t really want to find?

  • Jenny

    “Gays in the military, gays in politics, gays next door just being so gay! Why isn’t anyone else thinking about their butts as much as I am??” – Some Pastor, probably

    • KenRob

      Damn, mopping up my keyboard. Thanks! =)

  • Scribe57

    If they are tired of being duped, they should really stop being conservatives.

    Unless you really believe that asking a bakery for a cake constitutes “jihad”.

  • Blank Ron

    This WILL be fun. I love a good purge.

  • Celtic_Gnome

    Oh yeah! Let’s do this shit! Let’s make sure that the 2016 Republican nominee is 100% idealogically pure (keeping in mind that there are Christians out there who do not think that Billy Graham was idealogically pure enough to be called a Christian).

  • DahBoner

    Good Christians smoked some witches up in Salem, also to…
    http://media2.giphy.com/media/13RgB41Ot8Ib5u/giphy.gif

  • Barley_Brains

    “…ladies have a well-known liberal bias.”
    Well, well well. HELLO ladeez!

  • Louis E.

    I’m a non-religious pro-choice anti-death-penalty pro-gun-control Democrat furiously hostile to same-sex marriage…my chances of getting a candidate to my liking are no better than Mr. Lane’s.

    • anniegetyerfun

      Thank goodness.

    • Alex Grey

      “I’m a non-religious… furiously hostile to same-sex marriage.”
      *Beep*
      Does not compute.

      • religion is insane

        Beep
        “There is No Match”

      • SterWonk

        Seriously. The only non-religous rationales I’ve heard for opposing same-sex marriage were either (a) very thinly veiled religious rationales, or (b) the government-shouldn’t-be-doing-marriage-stuff-at-all argument.

        I would actually agree with (b) (civil unions available for any pair of sound-minded adults!), but for the fact that marriage is already baked into the law, and changing all the references to it is a non-starter.

        • Alex Grey

          Guess it is time to post this comic, again…

        • Strepsi

          Interestingly, b) – government out of “marriage” business (leave the word for the churches, and all civil marriages called civil unions for everybody) was in fact the position of Canada’s Conservative Party.

          But… when their base realized that there are churches that will marry gay people in the eyes of God — and thus you would STILL GET MARRIED GAY PEOPLE — they dropped the ruse and went back to the position of banning same-sex marriage.

          As every single court has found, with countless hours of questioning the logic behind opposition to marriage equality, the only reasons are 1) religious and 2) animus to gey people in general. Neither of which can be a basis for law. Louis E.’s comment does not indeed compute.

        • nightmoth

          Agree. I remember a time, maybe the 80s? when gay activists were against gay marriage because copying the vows of straight marriage was seen as a regressive move against new-found sexual freedom. There are still a few folks thinking that way. But the legal protections offered by marriage came to be more important than the fun of one night stands. Especially after the aids crisis, which saw partners cruelly denied visitation rights by hospitals.

      • Louis E.

        Sounds like you need a CPU upgrade.

        There is no need to harbor the delusion that the Infinitely First Cause writes books or founds official fan clubs for itself in order to understand that there is a public need for opposite-sex relationships that does not exist in the case of same-sex sexual relationships,and that the public interest is harmed by treating the latter as if they were of no lesser importance.

        • Alex Grey

          Try to come up with some facts, maybe cite sources…

          • Louis E.

            The facts are that sexes exist for each other.That someone else said something doesn’t make it more true.

          • nightmoth

            There’s a book you would find interesting:
            “Biological Exuberance: Animal Homosexuality and Natural Diversity”
            by Bruce Bagemihl

          • Louis E.

            No,I would find it irrelevant.

        • Alex Grey

          Oh and by the by, that would be an OS upgrade you are suggesting, not a CPU upgrade, you stupid ass. Try trolling again next time.

          • Louis E.

            “Does not compute” can refer to lack of processing power as well as buggy software,though you may know your mental shortcomings well.

    • FukuiSanYesOta

      Why?

    • Toomush_Infer

      Yeah, I would say “less likely”, but there’s always another country for you to move to…

  • teddy21

    Damn… Where were they in 1980? Considering that Ron Reagan Jr. is an admitted “life long atheist, unafraid of burning in hell”, we could have put their “smoke” or research to good use. And possibly saved the world from the torment RR Sr. unleashed on it.
    And of course there’re those “Good Time Nancy” blow job rumors.

  • elpinche
  • Calimaria

    Can we tax these fuckers already?!?

    • Guest

      Italy finally came to their senses (thanks to pressure from the EU) so why can’t the US? I just think of the all the eleventy thousand churches in the rural county where I grew up & can’t imagine how much revenue has been lost over the years.

  • mondojohnson

    I have here in my hand a list of 205 names of known homosexuals, provided by the State Department. All bottoms.

  • Serolf Divad

    “That night, he gazed out from the stage as the pastors surrounded Gov. Bobby Jindal of Louisiana in a prayer circle.”

    Yeah, that’s some freaky “Children of the Corn” shit, right there…

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DwtYKlaFDKw

  • Toomush_Infer

    Good morning, Uncle Grandpa….

  • Beowoof14

    Wow the Catholics working to out their priests, we do live in interesting times.

  • Ryan Denniston

    You would think they’d be used to the grift by now. They didn’t see their leaders also getting in on the action?

  • actor212

    Good Christians To Smoke All The Homosexuals Out Of 2016 Candidates’ Hidey-Holes

    Even the ones at the pole?

  • dommyluc

    I remember, during the 1992 Presidential election, running into a RW neighbor of mine at the local WallyWorld, and he was raving about how Pat Robertson had said that they were sending 40M evangelicals to the polls to elect George Bush over that heretic infidel Bill Cliton (who was, BTW, going to ban hunting and take away all guns and…well, you know the rest: the trope hasn’t changed one iota in 23 years). Funny thing, though, is that Bush only got 38M votes, and I doubt if all of them were evangelicals, so where was this supposed mighty Christian army trying to save America?

    • kaydenpat

      Yeah, good luck to Pastor Lane, if he believes that Republicans are losing the White House because 120 million Evangelical and Catholic voters are staying home on Election Day. I doubt that’s even true. Republicans won’t win the White House because they cannot appeal to a religiously diverse, multicultural/multiracial nation and rely wholly on White voters. Fighting against gay rights is a losing issue.

  • dommyluc

    …and any Christian campaign to out Lindsey Graham and every closeted Republican and every closeted member of their families has my undying support. Keep up the good work for the Baby Jeebus, Pastor Lane. Maybe next you and yours should go after those Republican Jezebel whores who believe women should be able to vote and have sex before marriage while using The Devil’s Coil (you know, an IUD)!

  • dommyluc

    “80 million evangelicals and 40 million Catholics”. So, according to the logic of the esteemed (or steaming pile) Pastor Lane, Catholics are not evangelicals. That’s good to know. Now I can stop hating the Pope and Catholic priests for their evangelical nature and double my hatred for their tacit endorsement of the raping of children. One less thing to worry about! Thanks, Pastor Lane!

  • Guest

    Most a them GOP candidates likes them their mamas jus fine!

  • Rickyphoo

    Dear Lord; Please Rapture these fucking idiots. Amen.

  • Guest

    Okay, so here’s some trouble. Israel accepts gay cohabitation, gay marriage performed elsewhere, and allows gays to serve in its military. Lesbians, too. Yet, the Christian fundamentalists in the US hate gays (lesbians, too) but support absolutely everything Israeli, except maybe actual Judaism, which they consider to be like some form of developmental disability. There are a lot of fundamental Christianists that believe there cannot be a Rapture without an Israel, so in some perverse– admittedly strained– way, the Christianists need the gays. Else no Rapture? These fundamentalist clowns must never have had real sex of any kind.

  • Metadude

    And what goes on in those “prayer circles”? Just wonderin’

  • DahBoner

    What with all the NO SMOKING laws, I hope they use gay vaporizers….
    http://si.wsj.net/public/resources/images/BN-HZ008_vapehe_G_20150420124843.gif

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