But who cares about grandma?

Republicans are SO excited at the possibility of the Supreme Court murdering Obamacare, finally, but it won’t all be unicorns and rainbows and the free market allowing you the freedom to die from lack of access to healthcare. There will also be, sigh and eyeroll,  the unfortunate but inevitable attempt by the Obama administration to, like, fix that. This is what keeps Republican Sen. Ron Johnson up at night, apparently:

If the court rules against him, President Obama’s response will be diabolically simple and highly effective. He will ask Congress to pass a one-sentence bill allowing the subsidies to flow through federal exchanges. At the same time he will offer governors a contract to convert their federal exchanges into state exchanges with a simple stroke of a pen.

He will also mobilize his massive national political operation. It is easy to imagine the advertising campaign that will promote his simple solutions and viciously attack any opposition. Heart-wrenching examples of Americans who have benefited from ObamaCare — and there are millions who have, through taxpayer subsidies — will flood every TV channel.

Oh god, no, not “heart-wrenching examples” of people who finally got to have healthcare for one brief sparkly disco ball moment, only to have it seized from them, for freedom. Like, if you have some sob stories about how Obamacare ruined your life or is probably gonna death panel your grandma TO DEATH? Cool. Great. Call now! Republicans would like to hear from you, on the FaceSpace or the Fox News, pretty please! Even if your story is total and utter bullshit, and Obamacare is actually saving you money and also maybe your life.

Johnson also took to the radio recently, to agree with himself some more and also radio host Jay Weber, that it will be a dark day in America, indeed, if the Supreme Court does exactly what Republicans have been asking it to do:

JOHNSON: And of course, he’ll have the ads all racked up with the individuals that have benefited from Obamacare on the backs of the American taxpayer. He’ll have all those examples as well so…

WEBER: And the sad sack stories about who’s dying from what and why they can’t get their coverage.


WEBER: Oh yeah.

Boo hoo, you sad sack, so what if you are going to die? Come on, there are more important things in this country than your life, don’t you know that? Aren’t you willing to die for the free market? No? What is wrong with you? Why do you hate America?

Republicans really need to make up their minds. Do they want a bunch of unelected dudes (and ladies) in robes to judicial activist Obamacare by killing it or not? Because that sure seems like what they’ve been asking for, except for how they are now afraid that might happen, and dumb Obama doesn’t even have a plan to give Americans back the healthcare they happen to love, except that he DOES have a plan, obviously, and it’s TERRIBLE.

If the Supreme Court does decide to give Republicans exactly what they’ve been demanding for the better part of five years, and the president does decide to fight to save the law that has expanded healthcare to millions of people and also saved billions of dollars, at least we know Republicans in Congress already have a back-up plan to replace it.

Or they will, anyway. One day. One day …

[TPM / Wall Street Journal]

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  • dshwa

    I get it now! Republicans don’t actually believe that their legislation affects real people. That’s why they pass all the crazy shit they pass.

    • Angry_Cop

      I think you’re dead wrong about that. I think they love the idea that it affects real people. I think they get boners from thinking that, at a stroke of their pen, people will die. People undeserving of life, of course, those who’ve earned their right to live have the money to take care of themselves. The rest deserve to die quickly.

      I think the Germans had a word for “life unworthy of life”. I think the Republican term for it is “poor Americans”.

      • dshwa

        Sadly, I believe you are right.

  • MsAnthropesMr

    Now lemme get this straight.


    • Nounverb911

      “Except when it’s our fault”
      –Ron Johnson

  • cousin itt

    Damn you, Heritage Foundation!

  • Me not sure

    “We Republicans favor a plan utilizing free market winged unicorns spreading magical health pixie dust on all of the sick people from a red, white, and blue rainbow bridge in the sky.”

    • Toomush_Infer

      If only Obama hadn’t stolen that rainbow!….

      • Me not sure


      • SterWonk

        And gave it to Jamaica!

    • Gleem-McShinez

      Sure, you’re joking, Ha-ha. But, unlike Republicans


      • Me not sure

        If you believe hard enough Tinkerbell will live.

    • ThePuckStopsHere

      That’s just the story they tell the rubes who believe the earth is 6,000 years old. Their actual plan involves (depends upon, really) the afflicted dying quickly, quietly.

      • Me not sure

        Heaven Awaits!

      • david green

        Well, at least I am sure the GOP would quickly build “Deathplexes” to speed the sick along (probably with huge cost overruns of course). Still waiting for Obama to get off his skinny ass and build even one FEMA camp.

  • bobbert

    Ron Johnson: Example #2 that my native state has lost its fucking mind.

  • Nounverb911

    “individuals that have benefited from Obamacare on the backs of the American taxpayer.”
    What percentage of them are…well…republican?

    • Um, the folks who have benefited from Obamacare are the American taxpayers. Just sayin’.

    • laineypc

      The backs of the American taxpayer are now getting treatment for their sciatica.

  • AngryBlakGuy

    …evertime I think of congress I just can’t help imagining the GOP as Wylie Coyote and the POTUS as the Road Runner

    • Ricky Gay

      ACME libel

  • Ricky Gay

    it only makes too much sense!

  • Nounverb911

    “And the sad sack stories about who’s dying from what and why they can’t get their coverage.”
    No republicans here either, too, also.

  • FukuiSanYesOta

    So, a cost-effective piece of legislation which has demonstrably benefited millions of American citizens? Yeah, we need to get rid of that. For republican Jesus and ragegasms.

    • dshwa

      It’s not like “promote the general welfare” is from the actual constitution or anything…

      • Nounverb911

        It’s a typo, it was supposed to say “promote the general warfare”.

        • dshwa

          So if it was really important, it would have been in the second amendment?

          • kindness

            Would that be before the ‘Well Regulated’ part or after?

        • ShriekinViolet

          Exactly. At some point, it’s going to be hard to pretend that this is about “principles” or ideology or conservative purity instead of an outright proxy war on the poor and the working class waged by Republicans on behalf of their masters.

        • gedjcj

          “We meant ‘promote the Welfare of Generals’.”

    • Shalimar

      Mix ragegasms with ejectile dysfunction and you get a very unsteady hoveround.

  • Toomush_Infer

    It’s the Redundancy Conundrum…..again…..

  • Greg Fuderer

    jesus, sen ron johnson. what the fuck?

  • Toomush_Infer

    “Keep your Goddamn Government hands off my Obamacare!”

    -Ted Cruz

    • Nounverb911

      Ted, aren’t YOU the government?

    • SterWonk

      Medicare started in 1966, and the “Keep your government hands off my Medicare” incident was (according to some quick Googling) 2009, or 43 years later. So, we won’t see your quote for two generations. “Ted Cruz III” perhaps?

  • weejee

    The Replicans have embraced Randy Newman’s Foreign Policy to domestic (like in wage slaves and hired help) policy.

    ♪ Boom goes Grandma, boom those darker than we
    Moar room for you, and moar room for me ♪

  • kindness

    Well we can all see who the biggest moochers are now. They are the one’s whining about it.

    Would you like some cheese with that fine whine?

  • Me not sure

    My grandma had a death warrant out on her. They used to call her “The Shropshire Slasher.”

    • Blank Ron

      I thought the Slasher was innocent?

      • Me not sure

        Yeah, riiiiight.

  • lucidamente

    Fortunately for Sen. Johnson, the world’s tiniest violin is covered by Obamacare.

  • BearGHAZI

    Death… martant??… for grandma?

  • Guest

    These guys apparently can’t read the polls well. People are really going to be unhappy about it getting thrown out with no plan B from the republicans. And they’re not blaming Obama, outside of the 20% who blame him for everything anyways.

  • MrBlobfish

    Don’t be stupid
    Be a smarty
    Come and join
    The Republican Party

    • FauxAntocles

      We’re the heartless bastards who want to kill your grandmother and blame it on Obama!

  • dshwa

    Waaah! People might be mad that we’re being dicks! Unfair!

  • Why won’t Obama hear out their alternative proposal, even if that proposal is “Do nothing”?

    • sosuume

      It’s just: “allow insurance companies to sell across state lines, and here’s a voucher.”

  • Ergoetal

    Is it at all possible to keep this farce in play until, say, the fall of 2016?

  • whatwhomever

    Usually people who have such a cavalier attitude about the deaths of their fellow human beings are thought of as psychopaths. When their actions then result in the deaths of those fellow humans, they are usually prosecuted and either imprisoned for life or executed. Apparently, such people can also be considered Republican legislators and viable presidential candidates. Who knew?

    • Blank Ron

      The writers of the DSM-V are having to do a LOT of editing.

  • Ergoetal

    Hey, remember the one about the compassionate conservative?

    • Gleem-McShinez

      I remember when it was just an oxymoron. Now it’s omnimorons, all the way down.

      • Dudleydidwrong

        “Oxymoron” Why did you have to drag Rush Limbaugh into this thread?

    • MrBlobfish

      I prefer non-fiction.

    • HogeyeGrex


    • nmmagyar

      That’s right between “the check’s in the mail” and “I won’t cum in your mouth”, right?

    • Callyson

      That joke was one of the things that helped me to endure the W administration.

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      I remember it was long and involved, and not very funny because the premise was so ridiculous, and I don’t remember the punch line either.

      That’s why it’s called a “bad joke”.

    • Shalimar

      They’re even rarer than cops who call for an ambulance after they shoot you.

    • anniegetyerfun

      Didn’t that end with the line, “The Aristocrats!” or something?

    • BackDoorMan

      … yes, much like the ubiquitous unicorn.

  • Joshua Norton

    I wouldn’t be surprised if SCROTUS (the Big Five) hold that only Gay Corporations can get Obamacare.

    • Nounverb911

      That would be bad news for Chick-Fil-A.

    • nmmagyar

      But the Big Corporations like for more people to have insurance. Hospitals may bitch about reimbursement rates, but they know damn good and well that a smaller fee for service beats not getting paid even though they, by law, have to provide service.

      • sosuume

        The Repukes would then repeal the law that hospitals have to provide service. That’s all. So simple.

        • nmmagyar

          But St. Ronnie of The Ray-Gun signed that law. So tricky, they have to admit He made a mistake.

          • sosuume

            Yah. Cannot recall if St. Ronnie did that before or after he closed most of the mental health institutions and created a wave of insane homeless beggars on the streets. Repukes twist themselves into pretzels with all their ideology — but their base hasn’t a clue, so they’re safe… for now.

  • Gleem-McShinez

    Well, duh, Libtards! The reason they haven’t come up with a plan for their “Repeal and REPLACE” plan is that Time Travel Obama will just go back in time and ruin it.

    This way, they’re pre-emptively going to show him who was boss, retro-eventually!

    • Amy!

      I think every member of the vile snark mob wants to offer a hearty “thank you!” to Gleem for that sterling example of authentic tea-party gibberish.

      Let’s go back to Ron Johnson! Ron?

  • chicken thief

    “He will ask Congress to pass a one-sentence bill allowing the subsidies to flow through federal exchanges. At the same time he will offer governors a contract to convert their federal exchanges into state exchanges with a simple stroke of a pen.”

    But only one or the other has to happen. Or Congress could take the lead and do both now thereby saving the day.

    Or you could just piss and moan. Or you could stfu.

    There are many options, Johnson. If you and your staff can’t think any, hire a new staff.

  • deanbooth

    What’s that beeping sound? It’s the Republican backup plan.

    • BackDoorMan

      … it’s just fair warning before they run you over. Then they will shift into drive and do it again.

      • Biel_ze_Bubba

        Their first order of business is to disable that damned beeper.

  • chicken thief

    Those people that might get kicked off should be really pissed at Obama for not forcing the (primarily GOP) Governors of their state to create a state exchange in 2009 and preventing them from doing so today.

    Those takers! Always giving Nobama a free pass!!!

  • Gleem-McShinez

    “Heart-wrenching examples of millions of puppies who are to be wood-chippered — which wouldn’t happen if we didn’t ask for them to be wood-chippered — will flood every channel!”

    “Yeah, can you imagine!? All these sad sack people begging please don’t chipper this puppy, and then us throwing it in!”
    “It’s diabolical!”

  • JustPixelz

    “And the sad sack stories about who’s dying from what and why they can’t get their coverage.”

    Democrats seem more … um … pro-life than Republicans these days.

  • Guest

    Democrats seem more … um … pro-life than Republicans these days.

    • Cowpocalypse_Now

      Life only matters when it’s still inside the womb silly. Once you hit the floor you are on your own!

  • Gleem-McShinez

    “If only we could come up with some kind of plan to keep people from dying, too”

    “What?! Why don’t you go marry Obama or something, since you love him so much! RINO!”

  • Callyson

    More of the same, huh?

  • JustPixelz

    “And the sad sack stories about ….”

    The Republicans will never stoop to sad sack stories about Obamacare. They learned their lesson.

    But a year ago, they said ACA would cost millions of jobs.

    And Michele B. said it would literally kill people

    And NYPost said there are 25 million victims of Obamacare.

  • Biel_ze_Bubba

    WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report) – Americans took to the streets in large numbers on Thursday to show their support for a fifteen-dollar-an-hour wage for members of Congress.

    In major cities across the nation, fast-food workers and other service employees held signs, shouted chants, and gave impassioned speeches to demonstrate their conviction that Congress deserves a maximum hourly wage of fifteen dollars.

    “Members of Congress are people, just like you and me,” Tracy Klugian, a McDonald’s employee who took part in the Washington protest, said. “They should be paid what they deserve.”

    Assuming that they continue to take off approximately two hundred and forty days a year, members of Congress earning the proposed maximum would see their average annual income adjusted from $174,000 to $13,500, a salary that many marchers called “fair and equitable.”

    “I know what members of Congress will say: ‘I can’t live on that,’” Harland Dorrinson, a protester in Chicago, said. “Well, if they want to earn more, they should go out and acquire some skills.”

    While organizers of the marches proclaimed today’s protests a success, in some cities the demonstrations met some opposition from counter-protesters, who argued that fifteen dollars was too much.

    • Callyson

      Dammit, for a moment I thought this was a real news story.

      /if only

      • Biel_ze_Bubba

        Aside from the “took to the streets” aspect, I think it’s entirely factual.

    • Mehmeisterjr

      Congress should also be held to a No-Compete clause in their contracts that will not allow them to take employment in any other governmental function or with any company that does business with the government, just like fast food workers can’t flip burgers elsewhere because trade secrets.

      • Villago Delenda Est

        “ZOMG, you’re using a Mickey D’s burger flip at a Burger King! STOP THE GRILL!”

  • Biel_ze_Bubba

    “individuals that have benefited from Obamacare on the backs of the American taxpayer”

    But it’s the Democrats who are being divisive, right? What an asshole.

    • bikerlaureate

      I’m an American taxpayer who benefited from Obamacare.

      Their deceit and powermongering is just industrial-strength evil.

  • Notreelyhelping

    Look, your grandma’s gonna die eventually anyhow. Get over it already and make my widgets faster.

  • OneYieldRegular

    You know who’s benefitted from a Congressional salary “on the back of the taxpayers”?

    • OctopiRage

      The Kochs?

  • Villago Delenda Est

    Ron Johnson really needs to lighten up. I know of a way to do this, but it would violate the Commenting Rules for Radicals, so I’ll just let you all think, privately of course, what that way might be.

    • OctopiRage

      I’d help Johnson get lit up, uh with votes?

  • Esteban Rey

    I still can’t believe this sack o shit beat Russ Feingold. What a fucking disaster.

  • Shalimar

    Americans who have benefited from ObamaCare — and there are millions who have

    So millions have benefited, but the only people your entire party can find who were hurt by ObamaCare are those poor people who had to pay more for actual health coverage to replace their prior catastrophic coverage plan that gave them peace of mind right up until the moment they got sick and found out they were screwed? One would almost think you’re an evil asshole for trying to hurt those millions.

    benefited from Obamacare on the backs of the American taxpayer

    When they build a statue to the Republican taxpayer, it’s going to be Daddy Warbucks holding bags of money in both hands and running away from the burning Treasury building with his gigantic brass balls trailing on the ground behind him.

    • Villago Delenda Est

      One would think. Based on simple observation.

  • Bitter Scribe

    Maybe he could make some ads featuring some poor beleagured libertarian-type taxpayers blubbering about how ten cents of their tax money goes toward helping someone else get health insurance.

    • Blank Ron

      Libertarian taxpayers? Oxymoron there…

    • John Moore

      Ayn Rand wept.

  • Jaime Oria

    Death Warrant For Grandma Speed metal album title – I called it!

  • Pierre_de_Fermat

    So if the court rules against ‘Bammercare in May or June, the whole summer will be taken up with Republicans arguing that Freedom! (more of a zing with the bang) requires that po’ folks die. But Freedom! will live on. And isn’t that what we (they) really want? Then they may make some half baked “reform” which they will pay for with tax cuts for the rich. Or something. It always comes down to tax cuts for the rich. That’s why they’re the party of the people. Or something.

  • DahBoner

    Looks like Republicans will have to sit back and do nothing but watch while Obama gitter dones for the American people….

  • TheBidenator

    This is YET another in my long running series of “oh yeah, well FUCK YOU!” messages to the voters of a state, this time it’s Wisconsin’s turn. What the fuck happened, Wisconsin? You had Russ Feingold, Russ fucking Feingold an actually competent legislator who’s not a corporate whore on wheels but NOOO you had to replace him with this dick fuck fuckface Ron “Will wear corporate logos on my lapel” Johnson and shockingly he’s an unsympathetic dickface who looks forward to telling you to go fuck yourselves while shoveling ever more money into the Koch brothers faces. Now, 2016 is coming up and you have a chance to replace this pathetic, useless meatsuit with someone who has a fucking clue at what they’re doing and send him back to sucking off corporations as a lobbyist so don’t fuck it….oh, and until then, fuck you,



  • Murallen

    Wisconsin sucks. Those morons voted for Walker THREE times. How much more proof is needed that Wisconsin is Teabag Central? Write ’em off and fuck ’em.

  • Incoming Ham

    “No, Johnson”, said Satan, “Get out. You can’t stay here, as you make even *me* sick, and that is quite a gift. Heaven doesn’t want you and I certainly won’t take you.” Satan paused. Johnson looked so down that he took pity on him. “Here’s what I can do: go out the door, take a right, head down the hall to room 667. Ask for Leona Helmsley – she is looking for a room mate. J. Edgar just moved out and her deal with Kim Jong Il fell through. You’ll love it – she keeps the air conditioning set at about 30 degrees. I can’t think of any two people more perfect for each other. One thing though, her cook lost her medical insurance because of your idiotic devotion to overturning the Black Guy’s law. She makes a mean feces-brains soup garnished with maggots from your soul. Good day to you sir. “

  • Death panels are fine, as long as they’re commercial death panels.

    • willi0000000

      that’s the reason to privatize . . . you get more death for your buck.

  • WagMoreBarkLess

    Republicans would have supported the bill if only Obama hadn’t been so arrogant as to name it after himself. Wait, what?

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      Heh – I hope the name “Obamacare” sticks, forever – to the program, and in Rethuglicans’ throats.

  • anniegetyerfun

    “Heart-wrenching examples of Americans who have benefited from ObamaCare — and there are millions who have…”

    Well, as long as you are admitting it, you fuckweasel.

  • Kurk Schoner

    Republicans are just like cranky little three-year-olds who need their nappy times; no matter what you say or do, they are going to whine and fuss.

  • There is no other possible conclusion to draw about Republicans beyond them being sociopathic assholes.

    • John Moore


  • freakishlystrong

    Fucking asshole(s). Pssst..there are a metric shit ton of “conservatives” on Obamacare. Ask Kentucky. Ask Ted fucking Cruz.

    • Poodle Tooth

      Given that the ACA set standards for nearly all health insurance, it’s not far off the mark to say everyone in the US who has insurance is on “Obamacare.”

  • Biel_ze_Bubba

    “Heart-wrenching examples of Americans who have benefited from ObamaCare — and there are millions who have, through taxpayer subsidies…”

    Yeah, imagine that: millions of Americans benefit. Can’t have that in Rethuglican America, can we now?

  • ryp

    SCOTUS is not going to rule for the haters on this one. After doing rhetorical backflips to save O-care last time, Roberts is not going to torpedo it this time, especially if the Republicans are actually freaked out about what to do if he did. The Teatards already think Roberts is a traitor, but he knows he’ll still be on the bench long after the batteries have died on their mobility scooters.

  • Zyxomma

    The Republican plan (h/t Alan Grayson): Don’t get sick. If you do get sick, die quickly.

  • MaximumOvertroll

    The republicans do have a plan, it’s the same old failed plan that started this joke of a healthcare system and necessitated the ACA.

  • motmelere

    This is where it gets tough to talk turkey, Ron (ashamed the people around me voted for him) actually did work hard for his slice, but he likes to ignore the nepotism & big finance he got from friends and family. What he NEVER speaks to is the person without a higher education with moneyed in-laws and no desire to go out and get it. The guys I work with are looking for a stable job to feed their kids and maybe let them afford a bit of fishing tackle. He thinks that a guy who can’t keep up with the updates on his machine is somehow capable of negotiating the stock market. Fuck you, Ron. Fuck you right in the ear.

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