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Too old for this shit.
Welcome back, pilgrims! It’s good to see you’ve returned to your old friend the Snake Oil Bulletin, the weekly compendium of the latest horsepuckey to plop itself right here on our beloved interwebs. Now normally we focus on a smattering of stories to whet your woo woo whistle, but this week we’ve decided that special devotion should be reserved for a brave, beleaguered hero, that duke of duplicitous drivel, Dr. Mehmet Oz, MD (Malarkey Dipshit). Dr. Oz has had quite the adventure over the past year, but as you’ll soon see, it takes a lot to keep a poppycock peddler down.

Dr. Oz’s Number One Miracle Trick to Destroy His Credibility

Are you looking for the one revolutionary breakthrough to supercharge your health, blast fifty pounds, reverse the aging process, and also maybe collapse the entire field of medicine while you’re at it? Look no further than Dr. Mehmet Oz, America’s premiere teevee yelly person who technically earned a Doctor of Medicine. If there’s a snake oil with an endorsement deal, Dr. Oz will slam your mother’s ear holes about it, with simple considerations like “evidence” or “basic fact checking” being a tertiary concern.

The good doctor has been put through the ringer the last few months, ever since his disastrous testimony on Capitol Hill in June of 2014. Oz had been invited by Sen. Claire McCaskill (D-Boss) to testify on the topic of weight loss scams (with Oz firmly on the “pro-” side, we assume), and ended his evening with McCaskill kicking him square in his acai berries.

Things continued to slide downhill for Oz after that. The following November, a study lauding Oz’s much-trumpeted green coffee weight loss pills was retracted by its authors just because “[t]he sponsors of the study cannot assure the validity of the data.” Oh c’mon, like that ever stopped anybody from making a buck! The very next month, a study by the British Medical Journal revealed that more than half of the medical claims Dr. Oz made on his breathless teevee howler monkey hour were either lacking in evidence or outright contradicted by the evidence: “For recommendations in The Dr Oz Show, evidence supported 46%, contradicted 15%, and was not found for 39%.” In fairness, rival pretty-person-in-scrubs-chucks-shit-against-wall show The Doctors didn’t fare much better, though that’s less a plus in the Dr. Oz column than it is an indictment against the very concept of a modern-day medicine show.

Undeterred, Oz barreled on ahead hocking his raspberry ketone and Garcinia cambogia and probably powdered tiger dong while he’s at it, even as mainstream publications like Vox and Slate continued to slam him for his blatant bullshit about superfoods and belly fat blasters. Word started to come out about just how much of this crap Oz actually believed, and apparently the answer was pretty much all of it. Even back during his early medical practice days, Oz pursued any number of bogus “alternative” treatments in his clinic, including reiki, the magical “energy” discipline that provides all the benefits of a massage without any of that “touching people” crap:

In the early 2000s, he worked with a reiki healer named Raven Keyes. She told me recently, “My reiki master is the archangel Gabriel. All I have to do is ask Gabriel to activate all the angels, and everybody’s angels come to life.” In the operating room, she said, she’d perch on a stool behind the anesthesiologist and transfer her good energy. “I’m connecting with the divine light within me and allowing myself to absorb the divine light in myself so it expands outward.”

She’s gonna shove that healing energy right into your surgery hole just by wishing it super loud. It’s like The Secret for angel farts.

Also, remember that Dr. Oz is still legally allowed to put himself inside people’s bodies for a living thanks to notorious safety schools like “Harvard” and “The University Of Pennsylvania.” Weep for higher education.

Throughout his career, Oz has endorsed homeopathy; given platforms to anti-vaxxers; touted psychics; claimed apple juice had arsenic (forgetting there’s more than one kind of arsenic); sounded the alarm that Ebola was airborne even though that is the exact opposite of how Ebola works; and once claimed that a great cure for insomnia was pouring rice into your socks, cooking them in the microwave, and then wearing them to bed. The last guy who tried it after seeing it on Oz’s show ended up with second and third degree burns on his feet. In other words, BAD DOCTOR — 1 star Yelp review for you. But thankfully Oz couldn’t get sued for it because he’s not actually the burned dude’s doctor. Whew. Oz’s lawyers probably signed that motion to dismiss with a nice #SorryNotSorry.

Well it seems that a lifetime of hocking horseshit is finally catching up with Mehmet. Just this past week, a group of physicians sent an open letter to Columbia University’s dean of medicine urging him to reconsider Dr. Oz’s position as a senior administrator at the college’s Department of Surgery. Oh yeah, did we mention Dr. Arsenic Rice-Socks is a senior administrator at Columbia University? Because he is. You may resume your weeping.

The entire letter is available here, but the money shot comes right near the end:

Thus, Dr. Oz is guilty of either outrageous conflicts of interest or flawed judgements about what constitutes appropriate medical treatments, or both.  Whatever the nature of his pathology, members of the public are being misled and endangered, which makes Dr. Oz’s presence on the faculty of a prestigious medical institution unacceptable.

Damn. There’s no way those eggheads at Columbia can counter that. And OOH! They answered back already! Let’s see what they plan to do about this charlatan. I bet it’s gonna be something awesome and rad and strike a real blow for science in the modern …

Dear Dr. Miller et al,

As I am sure you understand and appreciate, Columbia is committed to the principle of academic freedom and to upholding faculty members’ freedom of expression for statements they make in public discussion.

Regards,

Doug Levy
Chief Communications Officer
Columbia University Medical Center

Well fuck. Columbia seems to have taken the Lucille Bluth approach of “We don’t understand the question and we won’t respond to it.” Looks like it’s a lot tougher than we thought to get hogwash out of a rug.

Flotsam, Jetsam, and Hokum

Lastly, we present a veritable fete of flim-flam and phooey as presented by your Most Beloved Petrograd Pinterest board, Wonkette:

  • If slumber parties have taught us anything, it’s that the worst thing you could ever do at night is turn out the lights, stare into the bathroom mirror, and utter those dreaded, unholy words: Climate change, climate change, climate change! DAMN! AYYYIIIEEE!
  • Thank goodness the Republican-led House Science Committee has assuaged our fears that climate change doesn’t exist at all. Of course that doesn’t explain why our ouija board perfectly spelled out “A-N-A-L-D-I-P-S-H-I-T-S.”
  • Marco Rubio, deciding to take an “all of the above” approach to the Great Big Jesus Buffet in the Sky, probably should have looked more into his church’s beloved pastime of demon wrasslin’. He could have had a much more lucrative career as a demon rodeo clown. Of course that would have distracted him from the true love of his life: pandering.
  • Republicans don’t know how old the earth is. Full stop. We have no more to add. Excuse us while we drink the pain away.
  • You know, Michael Gerson warned us about the soft bigotry of low expectations, and it’s sad when that phrase applies to our own elected officials on things like grade school science.

[Happy Nice Time People / Washington Post / Vox / Slate / Skepchick]

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  • RoyalUglyDude

    “Hi everybody!”
    “Hi Dr. Nick Oz!”

  • Mary Sandoras

    I watched Oz once, he recommended 100 mg of DHEA for weight loss, which the recommended dosage is 12 mg for women and 25 for men. His comment section got slammed with people having severe reactions to such a high dose. I never watched him again. I ain’t no doctor also, too, but I recognize a quack when I see one.

    • weejee

      Does his quackery mean he’s the Duck Dynasty Doc?

      • Querolous

        Duck Dynasty Dick Doc.

    • VirginiaLady

      Oh crap, my fish oil gummies have 50 mg of EPA/DHEA in each one and I take 2 a day. This could explain many mysteries in my life…..

      • Amy!

        No worries! There have been a number of stories recently indicating that many of these OTC preparations don’t actually contain what it says on the tin.

        Enjoy your peach pit powder gummies in good health!

      • Mary Sandoras

        It’s probably DHA, totally different nutrient and 100 mg or more is ok. That’s what is usually combined with EPA.

        • VirginiaLady

          Thank goodness y’all are right. Must look further for the cause of blurry vision. Another Scotch anyone?

      • H0mer0

        That’s supposed to be DHA, not DHEA (big difference)

        oops, Mary beat me too it.

        • mtn_philosoph

          I don’t want to come home some day and find DEA in my medicine cabinet!

  • Spurning Beer

    Not too long ago, I had enough respect for the profession of medicine that I assumed any given physician was intelligent, compassionate, reasonable, open-minded, and knowledgeable, notwithstanding any entitlement and/or narcissism, until they proved otherwise. Now, with Drs. Paul and Paul, Coburn, Gingrey, Ablow, Krauthammer, and Carson, they’re guilty until proven non-assholes.

    • Mary Sandoras

      We really need a proctologist in congress to provide care for all the assholes.

    • Villago Delenda Est

      It’s going to be a Jim Inhofe’s snowball day in Hell before they’re proven non-assholes.

    • handyhippie65

      after watching my lady go through cancer treatments, dr.s are evil, greedy tyrants. i would rather die on my own, that allow them to profit from my suffering, which they caused. Q; what do you call a hundred lawyers at the bottom of the ocean? A; a good start. Q; what do you call two hundred dr.s handcuffed to them? A; a better one. with votes, right?

      • Gristle McThornbody

        My experience with cancer was to research every reputable source I could find for options available to me for my particular cancer. I don’t know if doctors are greedy tyrants or erring on the side of caution with their patients’ lives, or maybe both.

        I do know that when I was discussing my treatment plan with my oncologist(s), the first one got offended when I started questioning her recommendations. I was passed off to the senior oncologist on staff. When he recommended the standard 6 treatments of chemo to be followed up by weeks of radiation therapy and I told him no, I wouldn’t do that, he then asked if I would do 4 chemo treatments. Long story short, I did the 4 chemos. I asked if I was setting myself up for recurrence down the road by cutting off two treatments and the first oncologist said no, if it wasn’t effective in 4 treatments 2 more wouldn’t make a difference. All I could think of were all the women going through those last two fucking chemo treatments (which get harder on you the longer you have them) when they probably didn’t have to, but were too scared to question their doctor.

        So yeah, everything you read says to research anything you think is wrong with you so that you have some prior knowledge before talking to your doctors, but then the doctors seem horrified that you’re questioning their authorit-ah!

        tl;dr – yeah, cancer’s a bitch.

        • handyhippie65

          terry was diagnosed in stage 4. couldn’t work, and was on medicare. they just kept trying the cheaper alternatives because indiana won’t pay for anything else. multiple lumpectomies, lymphectomies, a mastectomy, 5 rounds of chemo, and 3 of radiation. and she still died. her total med bill was over a million dollars, and she died. it was all i could do not to go ted bundy on them. that is why i now have no respect, or use for doctors. i am 50, i have not seen one in the last 15 years, and have no plans to in the future.

          • Gristle McThornbody

            Oh shit, I really am sorry for your loss. I think loved ones suffer a special kind of hell – feeling helpless to do anything but be supportive. Again, my condolences.

          • handyhippie65

            right back at ya. and hope you have a much better result than she had.

  • guppy06

    My penis has very few miles on it for its age.

    Excuse me, I need to go cry in a corner now.

    • whatwhomever

      Masturbation counts as mileage, just like the miles you put on your car just driving around for fun with no place to go count on your odometer.

      • handyhippie65

        uhhh….then i might be ready for an oil change.

      • H0mer0

        I don’t know why the guys in “Ferris Bueller’s Day Off” thought they could make the odometer go backwards that way. They were so clever in other ways.

        • glasspusher

          Agreed. This seemed contrived.

        • david green

          Back when I was a sprout in High School and driving really old cars, it was always assumed that if you could make it go forward, going backward would automatically roll the speedo backward. It was just science.

  • Villago Delenda Est

    In fairness, Dr. Oz did go after some of those email spamming asshats who use his name.

    Although it wasn’t because the stuff they were selling in his name didn’t work, of course, it’s because they were mooching off his grift base.

  • guppy06

    once claimed that a great cure for insomnia was pouring rice into your
    socks, cooking them in the microwave, and then wearing them to bed.

    Kinky.

    • Villago Delenda Est

      OK, there are women I would not kick out of bed for eating crackers in bed.

      However, this socks thing would sorely try my tolerance…

  • Esteban Rey

    Dingleberries are the new superfood. Watch the pounds practically melt away!

  • BloviateMe
    • H0mer0

      that was AWESOME!

      (I had one of those laughs that had barely any sound and worked my core–kind of like Pilates but funnier-glad I wasn’t doing my colon prep (no weight loss at all!I guess I wasn’t full of it) I might have sharted.

  • Jack

    Academic freedom is a valid point, but Columbia has to decide whether they really want to be associated with a shamelessly unethical huckster who gives quacks and frauds a national platform, enabling them to bilk whoever falls for their snake-oil pitches.

    • dshwa

      Allowing surgeons and their egos free reign to run amok is standard practice in most institutions.

      • nmmagyar

        Most hospitals consider it a win if Surgeons (and their egos) don’t actually break labor laws. I think it took until well into the 1970’s to convince most of them that nurses weren’t actually there for their sexual gratification.

        • dshwa

          Yeah, as long as they’re only demanding the latest OR toys and drugs, they’re pretty much in the clear. Consensual affairs a well.

    • VirginiaLady

      I think they just said they were cool with it.

      • Vecciojohn

        Ba-da-BING!!!

  • Spotts1701

    once claimed that a great cure for insomnia was pouring rice into your socks, cooking them in the microwave, and then wearing them to bed.

    Did he specify what kind of rice? Can I use the leftover fried rice from the last time I got Chinese take-out?

  • Mary Sandoras

    The Oz would recommend tape worms for weight loss if money could be made from it.

    • weejee

      Well back in the day…

      • handyhippie65

        aww, you beat me too it. scary huh?

      • Vecciojohn

        No baths? Sign me up.

  • dshwa

    Ahh he’s a surgeon. That explains everything.

  • Biff52

    Now I have to wear onions on my belt in my socks when I sleep to counteract all of this guy’s bullshit. Great, fucking great.

    • zerosumgame0005

      That will make you regret not just having regular foot odor real quick…

      • Biff52

        Well, there’s always this:

        https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=D9FBQ1O5F8k

        • zerosumgame0005

          a true genius who passed away too soon :(

          • Vecciojohn

            Amen.

        • RevZafod

          Four days younger than me and back around 1972 I had a Phi Zappa Krappa poster hanging on my bathroom wall.

    • handyhippie65

      cause that was the fashion of the day.

    • Joseph

      Where do you find the room? between the rice, lima beans and now onions i’m getting mildly hysterical and my wife is looking at me funny.

      • TheBidenator

        You must smell like Indian food…

        • H0mer0

          I’ll admit I’m a coconut Indian, but I don’t recall my mom using lima beans in the authentic dishes.

          • SterWonk

            Coconuts represent! I was first called that by one of my Uncles (in the Indian sense, natch) – who was 70-ish at the time. I also don’t recall lima beans, unless Mom went for convenience and just used a bag of mixed vegetables for the biryani.

            Alas, she doesn’t use onions anymore – Dad became Hare Krishna a few years back, and pulled my Mom into it too. The no-meat thing is not a big deal. The no-onions-or-garlic thing makes me wonder what the point of Indian food is. :-(

          • H0mer0

            flatulence is also the point (I’m sorry, TMI?)

          • TheBidenator

            I was just riffing on the smell, Indian food is the foulest smelling food I’ve ever been around that can also taste really good. Still, if you ever want to clear out a building just start cooking some Indian food and reheat some fish while you’re at it.

      • Biff52

        1) Big feet. And
        B) No wife.

  • weejee

    To get all the shit out of Dr. Oz & his ilk would require a serious Drano™ enema.

    / warning: do not try this at home unless you are Dr. Oz or Lou Sarah.

  • ryp

    ISIS’ one neat trick for losing 10 lbs in 1 day!

    I heard the other day that Weight Watchers and Jenny Craig had proven to be the most successful methods for taking off weight and keeping it off. Who would have thought that actually monitoring your food intake with the help of a support group could actually work! It doesn’t sound nearly as fun as magic supplements though.

    • weejee

      An ISIS header…GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAL

    • TheBidenator

      Well that’s because modifying your diet to cut out fat and getting more exercise is a lot harder than drinking some miracle supplement…they’re just playing on people’s laziness and lack of desire to change their lifestyles. You see this with a whole galaxy of supplements, why work hard when these do it for you?

      • H0mer0

        The Weight Watcher’s point system actually puts more emphasis on reducing carbohydrate intake and increasing fiber intake (such as with most fruit and vegetables having 0 points and a food with high protein and low fat can still have a lot of points as protein can be burned as fuel. A low fat, low caloric diet works better in the younger set but around age 40, metabolic changes seem to make the body more likely to store fat around the middle and a low carb diet works better. I don’t know much about Jenny Craig other than that the food gets expensive and they feel limited. Most of my patients get tired of the smell of Nutrisystem products and their packaging after a while and most regain the weight. The slim fast or meal replacement type diets with energy bars and shakes make little sense since few people can eat that way long term.

        • Biel_ze_Bubba

          You’d be amazed at how well NOT BUYING crappy foods can work. You can’t scarf down a pint of Ben & Jerry’s if it’s not in your freezer to start with.

          • nmmagyar

            You don’t know how much it sucks living with someone who has been on a diet since 1975. Dear Lord, what I wouldn’t give to find an Oreo in our home.

          • Biel_ze_Bubba

            Have you looked under the couch cushions?

        • TheBidenator

          I actually did it the old fashioned way….I was always an athletic kid so I could eat whatever the hell I wanted and I’d only gain weight when I really tried to. Then I suffered a severe leg fracture a few years ago that set me back about oh, almost 2 years and completely altered how I am able to exercise. Needless to say while self rehabbing I put on about oh, 90 pounds by not altering my eating habits which brought me up to almost 280 and raised my BP a great deal. So, I decided to lose weight and after six months I lost 75 pounds and recently after getting back up to about oh, 205 I lost the remaining 20 pounds. All I did was quit eating fast food (save Japanese food), stop drinking soda, no junk food or ice cream or candy and mostly just fruit, vegetables and chicken. Hell I even quit smoking 3 months ago and still haven’t gained weight so I know it can be done….I do lowered carb options, lowered fat and I raise fiber/protein.

          • Biff52

            I’m trying, but I keep getting knocked down…

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      They just took the standard disclaimer, “when combined with an appropriate program of diet and regular exercise,” and made it into a stand-alone industry.

  • Me not sure

    “Don’t look at the man behind the curtain.”

    • weejee

      Is that Walnutz McGrumpy?

    • Good dog, Toto! If we get through this alive, I’ll take you and Rosanna to Africa.

      • Me not sure

        I hope it doesn’t rain.

    • Vienna Woods

      Do not look at the GRIFTER behind the curtain. FIFY

  • diogenez
    • handyhippie65

      i wonder if his last name is newport?

    • Biff52

      Canker sours?

      • H0mer0

        I think I’ll pass on that drink

      • vivian

        candies for curmudgeons

    • TheBidenator

      Jebus they used to direct you to cigarettes for anti-anxiety medication too…I was told that back in the day your doctor would sit and have a smoke with you while discussing your health, too. God I’m glad that I kicked smoking, I just feel so much better….

    • tomamitai

      Weren’t “asthma cigarettes” marijuana?

  • shastakoala

    Oprah is living proof in regards to the magical results of the Dr. Oz diet.

    • nmmagyar

      Which one?

  • H0mer0

    Knowing what little I know about academia and money, I’m sure Dr Oz is sending some sweet snake oil money back in Columbia University’s direction which is why Mr Levy stood up for his right to freedom of expression, sort of how the creationists occasionally buy their way into publishing pseudoscience and get it past peer review.
    I do want to defend Reiki, which like acupuncture is about manipulating qi or energy meridians, but for people who may not want to be touched or poked with needles as an alternative medicine for certain conditions, but again, caveat emptor. I don’t sell supplements or weight loss products in my office because I don’t want to give the impression of prescribing something to make a sale instead of it being a medically prudent recommendation based on my expertise which I am selling. Gimme time, I might need to do so in the future to survive, given the business model being forced upon medicine with the administration of care being treated as a widget and a less than optimal outcome a reason not to pay us.

    • beatbort

      You nailed it in regards to Columbia University. They’d never let a cash cow, a golden goose, go.

    • tomamitai

      Qi is just the Chinese version of elan vital or life force, and is complete bullshit. Acupuncture is thought to work (when it does) by stimulating the release of endogenous opioids in the body, but may just be a placebo. Reiki, or its western cousin therapeutic touch, is definitely bullshit, and nothing but a placebo, at best, as shown by Emily Rosa, the youngest person ever to have a research paper published in a peer reviewed medical journal.

      • H0mer0

        As a physician, I never underestimate the power of a good placebo. I would not refer a patient to an acupuncturist or Reiki practitioner for diabetes but I would for pain if they found it preferable to other forms of therapy or untoward side effects of pharmaceuticals.

  • VirginiaLady

    Y’all leave Dr O Z alone. He’s just channeling P.T. Barnum.

  • Vecciojohn

    Alls I know is them crustacean berries cured my anal warts.

    • bikerlaureate

      Not one tiger attack since I got this here rock…

  • nightmoth

    I watched him a few times–even took notes–then he hosted a psychic. He introduced her by saying, “Some people accuse you of doing what’s known as a cold reading, but you don’t do that, do you?” So she says “No” and then proceeds to do cold readings for an hour. It’s a carny method of first getting general information then narrowing down details by observing the respondent’s social cues. Anyway, the “psychic” did cold readings on the tearful audience, giving them messages from dead loved ones, while Oz looked all wide-eyed and exclaimed, “That’s amazing!” over and over. Blechhhh.

  • Vecciojohn

    Surely I’m not the only one who wants a “My reiki master is the archangel Gabriel” tee shirt.

    • Vienna Woods

      Please. Gabriel? Castiel.

      • vivian

        or たなか海老

  • Mehmeisterjr

    But the Carbolic Smoke Ball works against influenza, right?

    • Joseph

      Only if you buy them from me.

      • Sheepshagger

        A mere puff.

    • MOG253

      I prefer an orange pomander ball and some dried bat balls. In a lace hankie, of course.

      • Vecciojohn

        I’m a Dapper Dan man, myself.

        • Me not sure

          FOP!

  • TheBidenator

    Considering all of the ex-Bushies occupying prestigious positions in economic departments, law schools and schools of government at places like Harvard, Yale, Columbia, Princeton and even Stanford and Berkeley I’d say Universities have bigger fish to fry if they want to get rid of the dishonest profiteering bullshit artists amongst the faculty….

    • Vecciojohn

      And besides, these places are as much clubs as universities. We can’t kick out old Oz. Sure, he’s crazy, but hell, at least he can safely visit The Hague, unlike any number of old boys we could mention.

    • Villago Delenda Est

      UC Berekley. John Yoo, war criminal.

      • H0mer0

        It’s spelled Berkeley or Beserkely and as an alumna of said university, his association embarrasses me, much like Douche D’Souza, Jindal, Haley and Ponnaru embarrass me as an Indian American.

        • Villago Delenda Est

          OK, kick me around for getting the e and k inverted. Oh, and sorry about all those Indian American embarrassments.

        • SterWonk

          Other than it being my brother rather than me who went to Cal, you took the words right out of my mouth. :-S

        • TheBidenator

          It’s spelled ‘dead meat’ during football season this year when the Bears come up our way…okay, so OSU might be rebuilding this year but still we’ll do it.

  • maezeppa

    I believe Oz was put through the wringer (not ringer). As in that old-time device that brutally squeezes the water out of wet clothing.

    • Vecciojohn

      Brainiac!

    • handyhippie65

      and the buttons off of your clothes.

      • Latverian Diplomat

        If you stayed away from those vain buttons and stuck to God’s chosen closures, you wouldn’t have to worry about that.

        • handyhippie65

          i had a wringer washer for years. it gobbled zippers with equal relish. even ate the buttons off my levi’s. poor 501’s. lost one or two fingernails when i weren’t paying enough attention. them things are hungry.

          • H0mer0

            you know what else likes to gobble zippers and buttons?
            (I don’t know, I’m just trying to set this joke up after he provided me the tempting raw materials.)

    • vivian

      Phones! How do they work?!!!

    • RevZafod

      Here at the Grammar Nazi corner, I believe the difference is best shown graphically. One is a subsTITute for a million bucks, and the other is an old saying sadly known today only to geezers and geezerettes.

      • handyhippie65

        hey now, thet geezer remark is, uhh, well come to thunk it, mebbe acurate. sorry. don’t get yer tits in a wringer, or nuthin.

        • RevZafod

          I wish I still had your youth, good looks, and vigor* at 74. No longer possible for me to leave a beautiful corpse or be good [who die young], but I can still sometimes partay!
          https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4nqaWZIQ2E8
          The day after the Austin drinky-thingy in 2013. Also from the one behind me after the first drop-back around 2:37. I was #34, he was #35.
          https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4JVxJ02dNIQ

          Car #34, where are you? Always able to out-accelerate #35. Thanks, HKS.

          * Vigor, not Viagra, not needed. See the non-existent comments below about those whippersnappers who do. Or above, if you have newest first.

          • Biff52

            Corner carving is still my favorite thing to do.

          • RevZafod

            Yeah, but at NISMO Performance Academy in yer own GT-R after two drinky-thingies with Trix in Dallas and Austin? Beats the livin’ shit out of an earlier life [mis?] -spent in 101st Airborne artillery, Germany, and Vietnam mostly in 25th Inf Div HQ S-3, teaching Artillery commo at Ft Sill, chemistry at VMI, and then 26 years ending as a DEA Senior Forensic Chemist, retiring almost 20 years ago and then teaching as a PADI Scuba Instructor for a fe years, then touring the world for diving and Total Solar Eclipses?

            My life mostly looks at yours, kicks it to the curb, craps on it, and leaves it behind.

            Nothing personal; that’s just the way of the world. But these days, I respect you as a Wonketteer, lest my “comment” be expunged. and with those caveats, I hope to escape the Loving Banhammer of Correction. But it’s always about pushing the envelope to the extreme.

            My fall Indonesian 12-day live-aboard dive trip is just icing on the cake.

          • Biff52

            I’m real happy for you, and I’ma let you finish, but.

            Oh STFU.

          • handyhippie65

            youth? well i am younger than 74, so ok. i’d say you can still drive like a demon, and partay with the fastest. keep the rubber side down, and give’er hell!

    • Zyxomma

      I actually own one; found it an an antique store years ago. It’s four flights down and a long block (avenue) walk to the nearest laundromat, then back home & back up the four flights. And lots and lots of quarters. And there’s always something nasty in those dryers. Thus, I use a little plastic device called a laundry pod (which is a vast improvement on washing entirely by hand), then LITERALLY (not figuratively) put my clothing through the wringer before hanging it up to dry in the living room (newspaper on the floor to catch any wayward drips).

      • maezeppa

        I’m impressed you carry wet clothing up all those flights – or is the wringer portable enough to take with?

  • Enfant Terrible

    What’s the real age and your vagina or penis?

    OK, the afternoon is ruined for fapping.

    • handyhippie65

      what! use it or lose it. yer junk is only as old as you think it is.

      • Me not sure

        I, sir most definately do not possess”junk”. The nice man on “Antiques Roadshow”said that mine , although old, was among the nicest pieces he’d seen. He said it was worth one bazillion dollars……
        or maybe it was one Brasilian dollar. I don’t hear that well since I started the Viagra.

        • handyhippie65

          sorry, didn’t mean to devalue yer currency, or nuthin. i don’t need them blue devils…yet. though the last playtime i was accused of it. ya got to let it run 15 minutes ever day, or the carbon build up will get ya. mine just became an ant-ti-cue this year. that’s 50 right?

          • Vecciojohn

            Ah, the naive optimism of youth.

          • Me not sure

            I’m sorry, I can’t read that, my vision is becoming blurry.

          • Msgr_Moment

            Call a doctor. I hear Dr. Oz is available.

          • Me not sure

            Can he handle a four hour boner? If not I’m calling Ripley’s.

        • Vecciojohn

          if I had one that valuable I’d polish it all the time!

          • Me not sure

            My wife has a device for that.

  • Vecciojohn

    Connect the dots, sheeple! Michelle Obama is going to use the irradiated kale from her witch’s garden and introduce mutant tape worm eggs into the innocent victims of her UN-inspired “healthy” eating campaign and cause them to lose weight so rapidly they become brain damaged and their numbers swell the ranks of the dependent until Mitt Romney’s 47% will be remembered as the good old days. The earliest victims will still be coherent enough to carry out the imperative genetically encoded in them: VOTE FOR HILLARY. You can read all about it in my self-published ebook for the low low price of hey! Let go of me! Ouch!!

    • Enfant Terrible

      And it would have worked too, if it wasn’t for those meddling kids.

      • bikerlaureate

        Curses!

      • TheBidenator

        Kids? Not sure I agree 100% with your police work there Lou…kids don’t usually own Hoverounds with attached colostomy bags and “will fap for Reagan” bumper stickers. I’m thinking this is more of a savage breed than your garden variety wingnut, alright open up the FEMA camps and round up Alex Jones and Glenn Beck’s listeners, it’s time.

  • Callyson

    Say, you know who else transferred good energy?

    • Mehmeisterjr

      Reddy Kilowatt?

      • H0mer0

        I remember those comic books from my childhood! There was one with Bullwinkle in which he seems to be extolling Rocky’s intelligence, stating “you have brains you haven’t even used!” I was never sure if that was really a compliment.
        I also remember Reddy Kilowatt from an electricity generating station on the Snake River between Oregon and Idaho during a traumatic family vacation in which my dad drove too fast and I couldn’t stop barfing (actually, that describes most of our vacations in which he was doing the driving.)

        • Mehmeisterjr

          Man, I pulled Reddy Kilowatt out of my ass (not literally.) I hadn’t thought about him in (mumble-mumble) years until Callyson issued the challenge and suddenly, there was the perfect joke (other than Hitler, of course.). It turns out there are Reddy Kilowatt fans who are Reddy Kilowatt memorabilia collectors. Google it. Everything is possible.

          • Msgr_Moment

            Everything is possible.

            Rule 34.
            Just please wear a rubber. Reduces your conductance.

    • nmmagyar

      Jon Butterworth of LHC/CERN/Higgs Boson fame?

      • SterWonk

        Boson. (Unless you were talking about a Boatswain?)

        • nmmagyar

          mmmm, Sailors

          • SterWonk

            Whatever floats your boat.

    • Alex Grey

      Nikola Tesla?

    • edith prickly

      Obi Wan Kenobi?

    • dshwa

      Rogue?

    • BeliTsari
    • JoeChristmas

      Me, this morning?

      • drbloor

        Wait, dropping a deuce qualifies as transferring energy?

        • handyhippie65

          potential energy. fallin from yer bum, to the bowl. hence the splashdown. it’s all energy.

    • Spotts1701

      Scotty whenever he needed to squeeze more warp speed out of his wee bairns?

    • mtn_philosoph

      A pair of dilithium crystals…. in my pants!!!

  • Off topic, but just wondering, is Benghazi a breed of chicken, like the O’brahma or leghorn? I mean, no single chicken could survive that kind of fucking.

  • Paperless Tiger

    Yer belly is made mostly of hybrid wheat and maybe beer, which has wheat in it. Now send me money.

    • Vecciojohn

      Here’s my money. Quick, how do I get the wheat out of my belly to make room for more beer?

      • longtail

        That’s a whole other can of worms. I read two definitive scientific articles yesterday, one saying wheat was definitely bad for you and the other that it was definitely good for you. I went out a got drunk and felt better.

  • Celtic_Gnome

    Oprah gave us a psychiatrist who didn’t practice psychiatry with his own TV show, then a doctor who doesn’t practice medicine with his own TV show. She should find a lawyer who doesn’t practice law and give him a TV show. Her legal team would love that shit.

    • JoeChristmas

      Dr. Fil is a psychologist, but yeah,

      After starting CSI, McGraw ceased the practice of psychology. He kept his license current and in good standing until he elected to retire it 15 years later in 2006.[20]Appearing on the Today Show in January 2008, McGraw said that he has made it “very clear” that his current work does not involve the practice of psychology. He also said that he had “retired from psychology”.[21] According to the Today Show, the California Board of Psychology determined in 2002 that he did not require a license because his show involves “entertainment” rather than psychology.[21] McGraw’s license is currently listed by the Texas State Board of Psychology as “retired” and he holds no other active licenses to practice in any other state.[22]

      • Vecciojohn

        For a real hoot, look up his PhD thesis sometime.

        • mtn_philosoph

          [Citation needed]

    • Steely_Fan

      Also, too, there’s a promo running on MSNBC of Oprah endorsing Squint & the Meat Puppet saying that “They’ve got it all DOWN!” or words to that effect. She has no credibility whatsoever IMHO.

  • SheriffRoscoe

    Dr. Oz, the Justin Bieber of middle aged women.

    • nmmagyar

      If I catch my mom fapping to a Dr Oz video I’m putting her in a home.

  • Swampgas_Man

    I’m perfectly familiar with this quack. My work break-room has just one channel, so during my breaks I’m subjected to either A. Steve Harvey, B. Dr Ozzy, or C. Meredith Veira. Woe is me.

    • Ricky Gay

      the horror

    • handyhippie65

      i feel for ya. i listen to rush bimbaugh at work (not my radio).

    • Mehmeisterjr

      What, no Classic Arts Showcase?

  • JoeChristmas

    Hey, what happened to the Ted Cruz worships Crusty the Clown post?

  • georgiaburning

    Using academic freedom as an excuse to leave high-profile or profitable bullshit artists on the faculty works out OK in the business, law and history departments where bullshit is pretty much expected. But a medical school needs to be a little more careful. “Traditional” doctors who prescribe bleeding to balance bodily humors or psychic surgery to excise demons might be a bit hard to explain to the malpractice jury.

    • Vecciojohn

      Oh, don’t worry. I’m sure the university’s lawyers have taken all the correct steps to see that it’s insulated from any fallout from this credentialed carnival barker.

      • Mehmeisterjr

        Make him the head of the Phrenology Department. Problem solved!1!!!!1!

  • a. littlebird ptolemy

    “Hocking” something is to take it to the pawnshop. “Hawking” something is to offer it for sale. And then there is the case when you “hocker up a big green loogie” like when you have the galloping pneumonia. I believe what “Dr” Oz does is hockering up disinformational loogies all over the TV. St Frank o’Zappa might’ve meant “Dr” Oz when he remarked, “I am the slime in your TV set,” or words to that effect.

  • FukuiSanYesOta

    I’ve wanted this mendacious mountebank to have his license stripped by the AMA for years. He’s actively damaging people’s health with his ridiculous “advice”. Can’t stand him.

    • longtail

      I don’t know if he’s good or bad but you are getting points for “mendacious mountebank”.

    • mtn_philosoph

      I’ve wanted this mendacious mountebank to have his license stripped by the AMA state office of professional licensing for years.

      (Fixed, respectfully)

  • sillyclucker

    What is Dr. Oz’s position on wearing an onion on your belt? Isn’t that supposed to cure something?

    • Enfant Terrible

      The big yellow ones? White ones are hard to find ’cause of the war.

      • DahBoner

        They had to keep them under the counter over in Shelbyville

  • HogeyeGrex

    Dear Columbia University,

    Supporting your faculty in their right to free speech in a public forum is one thing. Giving your tacit approval to verified utter malarkey is another thing entirely.

    You are putting a faith-healer in charge of a supposedly scientific program. Think about that. Now think about it some more. Now ditch the baggage.

    Thanks terribly much,
    Everybody Even Vaguely Sane

    • Mehmeisterjr

      All the upfists, if we had fists.

  • Callyson

    Irritating update from the LA Times:

    Dr. Oz will mount on-air defense against critics who want him fired

    Next week, “America’s doctor” plans to set aside a portion of his popular TV show to address critics who say he no longer deserves to be associated with a prestigious Ivy League university…

    Oz released a statement saying that his TV show simply offers viewers “multiple points of view” about health-related issues and that his own opinions are “offered without conflict of interest.” He accused his critics of distorting the facts to suit their agendas.Real-world doctors fact-check Dr. Oz, and the results aren’t pretty

    “I bring the public information that will help them on their path to be their best selves,” Oz said.

    “Don’t blame me–I’m just teaching the controversy!!!”

    https://p.gr-assets.com/540×540/fit/hostedimages/1380349365/703372.gif

  • Alex Grey

    Dr. Oz’s secret identity revealed!

  • dimplasm

    And the poor older people who can’t understand that he is full of shit just eat up his shit. It is sad, and can be detrimental to their health.

    • mtn_philosoph

      Old people aren’t like children — they don’t blindly accept everything that they are told. They aren’t innocent and naive; they have a lifetime of experience to help guide them. Like the rest of us, they tend to give more credence to advice that is consistent with their worldview. Those who believe Dr. Oz do so because they like what he says, not because of who he is or how they hear about him. And just like the rest of us, they have gaps in their knowledge about things.

  • Guest

    Roughly, the earth is generally considered to be approximately around, ooh, just about, more or less, but in the neighborhood of some few million years, ball park. It’s difficult to be exact, since we simply cannot. The Biblical Genesis version is a simpler sort of inaccuracy. It is utter trash.

    • Bitter Scribe

      Were you there?

      • Guest

        Yes. It was awful.

    • blaid droog

      you need to add a few more zeros to that few million.

    • tomamitai

      G-d created the entire universe just 50 milliseconds ago, but He made it with long streams of photons leading to the edge of the observable universe so it would look like it’s billions of years old and filled our brains with memories of things we never actually did. How’s that for unfalsifiable horse shit! Can I haz tax free status and lots of munniez?

      • toughsister

        Its GOD, GOD, GOD, GOD, GOD, GOD, GOD, GOD, GOD, GOD, GOD, GOD, I’M SO SICK OF THOSE MORONS WHO THING GOD WILL STRIKE THEM DEAD IF THEY SAY HIS NAME. BESIDES, HE/SHE/IT DOES NOT EXIST!!!!!!!

      • DutchS

        You’re a mere 158 years late. Philip Gosse wrote a book on that hypothesis called Omphalos (Greek for “belly button” as in, did Adam have one?) in 1857.

        Gosse was a religious fanatic but also a skilled field naturalist and illustrator. His son wrote a very unflattering biography but he managed to have two happy marriages.

  • DahBoner

    If “Doctor” Oz is throwing a birthday party for his barely 18 year old vagina, I’m coming….

    http://media.giphy.com/media/iqO7wrQxnklXO/giphy.gif

  • Alex Grey

    Fare la Volpe you are obviously a scientific denier! I mean, you mentioned snake oil, but completely forgot leeches!

  • blaid droog

    pay no attention to the charlatan in front of the camera. maybe that’s supposed to be the man behind the curtain. either way he’s a crappy wizard.

  • A Big Sarcastic Fairy!

    At least Dr. Oz’s daughter Daphne is not a nut job like her father.

  • Here’s something: once I noticed Tulsa’s Deputy (sic) Robert Bates all during his teevee apology/warning was getting multiple massages and deep tissue rubbings from several stony-faced women I can now never unsee it. Even when I close my eyes.

  • So – what sort of berries should I grind up in my health smoothies now? Frankenberries, Boo Berries, or Crunch Berries?

    • Biff52

      Dingle.

  • longtail

    I’d be more comfortable condemning Dr. Oz if I had any faith in the “Men of Science” that have fingered him. I long ago realized that all American medicine subscribes to the specific scientific method that “whoever gives me the most money just proved my theory”. I think I’ll have better health if I stay away from both Dr. Oz and his critics.

    • toughsister

      You are easy prey because your extreme skepticism leads you right into fideism. Hello, sucker!

      • longtail

        You are assuming someone in the healthcare system wants to prey on me? You are probably correct but don’t worry, I won’t rely on prayer either.

  • AzertyQwerty

    Never commented yet, but I’ll just weigh in on the subject of reiki, which my mom was into for a bit several years back.

    I don’t know what kind of hokey these people are doing, but the reiki my mom was involved in was very much about actual physical contact. And energy-transfer and stuff, which I didn’t understand, but it worked for her so hey.

    Just sayin’.

    • toughsister

      In what way did it “work” for her? What happened? What kind of crap are you pushing here?

      • AzertyQwerty

        What kind of crap am I pushing? Jesus Christ, unbunch your panties.

        It’s several years ago now, but I think it “worked” for her in that it helped her release certain muscles and, more importantly, tuned her in to some aspect of her spirituality. If I’m remembering right. But that’s not the point.

        My point was that there is a different version of reiki than the “all the benefits of a massage without any of that ‘touching people’ crap” version mentioned in the article. Nothing more, nothing less.

  • Dr. Oz does not believe a word of what he says. The important thing is that he wants you to and send him all your monez.

  • dsmith

    He has a medical degree and a degree in business so he has combined the two in order to market unreliable products while dressed in scrubs. Perfect combo to take advantage of a public who generally trust doctors while lining his pockets.

  • PunditusMaximus

    It’s cute because we’re pretending he’s worse than the rest of ’em.

  • Katie Doyle

    I should have known the guy was a total fraud. Two acquaintance of mine who are wrong about ev-er-y-thing quote him daily.

  • Big Googootz

    The two most significant words in this article:

    “…blatant bullshit…”

    Which will be Dr. Oz’s new miracle cure…

    Followed by the better selling “obfuscated bullshit”..

  • Ryan Denniston

    Why Oz doesn’t use religious freedom as a defense is beyond me.

  • DutchS

    The rice in the socks thing sounded fairly legitimate at first because my wife has some seed-filled pads that she nukes for muscle pain. They do get hot. So I thought he wanted to use them as heating pads. Stick your feet in them? I just …. no words.

    • tza

      Yeah, mean, my mom and I put like three, four cups of dry rice in a sock, tie it off, heat it, and use it as a cordless heating pad for cramps and stuff but it’s never made me sleepy.

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