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Marco Rubio may very well believe this is happening right now, in the sky.

Marco Rubio has two churches in Miami. One, as you might imagine, is the Catholic kind, because the Cuban-American Rubio is Catholic. The other one is a ginormous Baptist affair, featuring demon-wrasslin’, homo-hatin,’ and a sincerely held religious belief that Jesus rode a dinosaur. But how can a person be both Catholic and Baptist at the same time? Let’s Wonksplore!

Sunday mornings with the Virgin Mary, Saturday nights with Fun Jesus!

As detailed in a report for Truth Wins Out by researcher Bruce Wilson, Rubio has been, in an act of meta-pandering, pretty much every kind of Christian there is. Follow this bouncing Jesus ball if you can: Rubio was baptized Catholic, cheated on the Catholics with the Mormons as a kid, but turned back three years later. Then he cheated on the Pope again sometime just before 9/11, for four years, with an insanely conservative Baptist church, but then he went back to Catholicism. But he never stopped two-timing the Virgin Mary with the Baptists. Make sense? Not really!

During his Protestant years, Rubio revealed in his 2012 memoir, he nonetheless “craved, literally, the Most Blessed Sacrament, Holy Communion” (of the Catholic Church.) So, the rising GOP star found a practical, buffet-style solution. Rubio divulged that on Saturday nights he brings his family to worship at Christ Fellowship, and on Sunday the Rubio family attends St. Louis Catholic Church.

He craved it! LITERALLY! This is probably because Catholic Jesus does this fancy thing where He turns the wine into His own blood during Mass, whereas the Baptists just have to suck on some grape juice and pretend it even counts. So we see that Rubio is in an open relationship with the Lord. He’s married to Catholic Jesus, from whom he gets his legislative inspiration, but he gets Saturday nights with the hot, demon-wrasslin’, gay-bashin’ young earth creationist Jesus, at the Christ Fellowship in Miami, to which he has reportedly given over $50,000 over the years.

Flush them demons right out!

DEMON WRASSLIN’, you say? No, silly, WE say it, we are writing this post, not you! You see, Christ Fellowship pastor Rick Blackwood is pretty sure that demons are at least one of the causes of all the gross sins like gayness and addiction to porn (which only seems to happen to conservative Christians, huh). He considers gayness, in some cases, to be an addiction as well. Wilson directs us to a 2011 sermon delivered by Blackwood, titled “Demon Possession,” and hoo boy! We learn that all humans are spiritually empty, and that demons are out there, just lookin’ to get inside ya, but that they can ONLY get inside people who don’t have Jesus. And what do these demons do once they’re there? Oh, they convince you to believe in science and stuff:

You and I look at [the universe] and say, “Wow, there is the hand of God.” But at the same time you and I wonder: How could anybody convince themselves that everything they see, every part of the human anatomy was all an accident, a cosmological wonder? Everything they see from the galaxies, to the quasars, in the universe, all the way down to the microscopic level, the biological level, all the details of our systems that control our physiological makeup. They look at all of that all the way down to the bacteria, down into the smallest building block, neutrons and electrons. We look at it and say, “Wow!” They look at us and say that we are nothing more, and they themselves are nothing more than high-class apes?

Listen: It is often because they are so controlled by demon influence.

Yes, Pastor Blackwood, but how do we FIX IT? How do we stop worrying and learn to believe that dinosaur bones are a liberal trick? Well, he says that we’re not supposed to try some “spooky exorcism,” so WHEW! We didn’t know if we were up to the spooky task! Pastor Blackwood tells the story (which we are sure happened JUST as he describes) of a man named “Ross,” who ran into him in the church parking lot, and who wanted to go into the church, but he was scared! Why? Well, you see:

Fear came into his eyes, and he said: “I could never go in there. You don’t know who I am and what I’ve done.” I said, “It doesn’t matter who you are or what you have done.” He says, “No. I’ve been into Satan worship and I’ve been worshiping demons. I’ve been into all sorts of occultic religions and participated in the vilest sexual stuff you can imagine. If I walk into the church, your God would strike me dead.”

It’s almost as if a Baptist pastor wrote the story himself! “I, Ross, have worshipped the Satan and the demons and I have done all the gross sex stuff, your God is sure to kill me!” It’s good that Pastor Blackwood’s editor told him to take out the stuff about Ross sacrificing animals, because that would just be too much!

So, at the end of the story, Ross does not want to cross the threshold of the church, because as we all know from “Buffy The Vampire Slayer,” creatures like Ross have to be invited in! So Pastor Rick yanks him across and they read Bible verses together and expel the demons that way. So yes, it’s not a “spooky exorcism” like you see on the teevee, but it’s an exorcism nonetheless.

But please understand, it’s not enough to get the demons OUT — you have to quickly replace them with Jesus. From the same sermon:

“It’s not enough to expel demons from within. The void created by the expelled demons must be filled with Christ, or the demons will return.”

So … stuff him in there quick! At this church, where job applicants have to sign an oath declaring that they are not dirty homosexuals, but rather good Christians, demons can clearly cause lots of trouble. Does Rubio believe in these things? According to Wilson, he has no public position on demon possession.

Speaking of them homosexuals …

You will all be surprised to learn that Christ Fellowship isn’t too keen on the demonic addiction of gayness. In a 2012 sermon, guest speaker Dr. Bob Barnes, a so-called “marriage expert,” told the congregated flock that gayness is DEFINITELY an addiction:

There are hardly any families, any of us, me included, that haven’t had to deal with the pain of homosexuality in the family. Let me quickly say: Homosexual sin is no worse than heterosexual sin. There is not a hierarchy of sins. Sin is sin. But, if I find somebody that has a predisposition, a genetic predisposition, or a chromosomal predisposition toward substance abuse, it doesn’t mean I should cave in to substance abuse. There are people who just have a predisposition to addiction.

If I find someone who has a predisposition to homosexuality, it doesn’t mean I should cave in to homosexuality.

Oh, the PAIN of the homosexual addiction! Of course, we sense a little double-speak coming from the church here. On one hand, to work there, you have to declare that you’re a Christian, NOT a gay, but now we have this guest speaker saying gayness is one of those addictions that people just have to struggle against. Why don’t they just send their gay job applicants down the hall to Pastor Rick, so he can remove the demons and  fill their voids with Jesus? All fixed!

Barnes did confuse us later in his sermon, saying that parenting success “is not about which team your child plays on,” but then we realized we had been skimming and he was talking about sports.

So, what about this stuff? Does Marco Rubio believe in THIS stuff? UH, looks like he does. The Advocate suggests that he may be the most anti-gay candidate in the GOP’s clown-mobile, though he now says that he believes marriage should be left up to the states, probably because a strategist told him to. Flip-flopper! It’s probably safe to surmise that Rubio also believes you can “pray away the gay,” if you consider the fact that he delivered the keynote speech in 2013 for a conference of the rabidly anti-gay Florida Family Policy Council, a convocation which honored Mat Staver of the Liberty Counsel, the group at the forefront of fighting to preserve fundamentalists parents’ right to torture their kids with “ex-gay” therapy.

Jesus DID TOO ride a dinosaur, it says it in the Bible.

Lastly, we come to the demonic addiction of believing in science. Pastor Rick Blackwood delivered a sermon just last year on “Observable Evidence,” where he explained that fundamentalist Christians understand science the best, because they can SEE the things they’re studying, whereas evil-utionists aren’t observin’ NOTHIN’. Apparently Blackwood does not know that you can actually observe evolution in a lab. Let him explain:

The scientific method actually teaches that the Bible is science because it is based on observable evidence, and that evolution is actually blind faith because it is not based on observable evidence. Let me say that again. Evolution is not based on observable evidence. Creation is based on observable evidence.

See? The Bible is real science. You can look at the skies and the plants and the wombats and the fishes and say “I see that stuff, therefore God did it!” Scientific method complete!

There is no observable evidence for evolution. How many of you have seen the chart of human evolution? It shows the evolution of humans from chimpanzees to monkeys, to apes, to ape man, to man. […] Follow me here folks, because evolution basically teaches that mankind began as non-living matter. […] Dirt: and somehow the dirt with no supervision, with no intelligence designing it, somehow non-living matter rose upwards in complexity to become living matter. […] We are just going to go with the argument and say, non-living matter rose upward in complexity to form living matter like algae. Then evolution says algae then changed kind from algae to a completely different kind of frog. Then the frog rose upwards in complexity and changed to a completely different kind of being, into a different kind of monkey. Then this chart shows the different changes of kind from monkeys to ape man and all the way to modern day mankind. So the theory postulates that one kind of species changed into a completely different kind of species.

Yes, we all remember that science lesson, where the algae turned into a frog turned into a monkey turned into a tiny, bouncing, beautiful baby boy, named Jesus. The Virgin Mary must have had one bugger of a pregnancy!

Does Marco Rubio believe THIS stuff? Oh TOTALLY! In an interview with GQ, Rubio had this to say:

I’m not a scientist, man. I can tell you what recorded history says, I can tell you what the Bible says, but I think that’s a dispute amongst theologians and I think it has nothing to do with the gross domestic product or economic growth of the United States. […] I don’t think I’m qualified to answer a question like that. At the end of the day, I think there are multiple theories out there on how the universe was created and I think this is a country where people should have the opportunity to teach them all. I think parents should be able to teach their kids what their faith says, what science says. Whether the Earth was created in 7 days, or 7 actual eras, I’m not sure we’ll ever be able to answer that. It’s one of the great mysteries.

It’s a mystery, with “multiple theories,” and man, it’s just an argument theologians — not scientists — are gonna have to hash out on their own! God definitely did it, but we’ll never know whether He did it in seven days or seven months or whatever. But we better not let the scientists have a say, because as Saturday Night Fun Church teaches, believing in evolution is a form of demonic possession.

So there you have it! This is the church that Rubio goes to, when he’s not doing the boring Catholic thing on Sunday mornings. But let’s keep things in perspective — Rubio’s Pastor Problems might be a hotbed of derp, gay-hatin’, demon-wrasslin’ and just plain dumb, but at least his pastor never said “Goddamn America!,” completely out of context, in a Fox News soundbite. THAT would be disqualifying!

[Truth Wins Out]

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