Fuck And Run, just like Liz Phair sang.

It’s time for another dispatch from Wonkette’s Funny Animal Fucking Videos department! Last time, we met Lu Lu, a Chinese panda bear who gave his Girl Frand Thang the D for EIGHT WHOLE MINUTES, which is a very long time for the panda bears to engage in sinful coitus!

Today, we are on the other end of the spectrum, in many ways. First of all, bunny rabbits are much smaller than pandas, by AT LEAST half. Also, this here rabbit Don Juan manages to mount, do the deed, and possibly die of a heart attack in, like, two seconds or less. Let’s go to the video:

Hard to say what just happened there. Did he just flop over because he’s tired, all like “nah bitch I’m done, lock the door on your way out?” If so, RUDE, you are very bad at bunny sex and you are FIRED. But also very convincing! Or did he just cold die of a heart attack and/or ecstasy? Readers who are animal sex experts (oh, like you aren’t) will have to do scientific analysis and report your findings in the comments, which are still not allowed.

All we know is that if that’s what “fuck like bunnies” means, we definitely don’t think we want to do it, unless we specifically say “let’s race!” because we’re on a deadline or something.

[Barstool Sports]

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  • Esteban Rey

    This made me sad. At least he went out on top.

    • Gristle McThornbody

      Aawwww, don’t feel bad. I hate to admit how many videos I just watched of rabbits humping, and it’s considered a good thing when the male keels over when he’s finished – not dead, just flopping over hoping the lady rabbit doesn’t start whining that she isn’t done yet. The more you know….

      • Esteban Rey

        This is excellent news! I salute your diligence in exploring this important issue.

  • Skwerl King

    Reminds me of being drunk with that showgirl in Vegas. My friends still say is was a 1985 Honda accord in the Riviera parking ramp, but I know better.

  • Beaumarchais?

    Just like Nelson Rockefeller!

  • Beowoof14

    Does Hazel’s brother Fiver know there is an available babe out there.

  • It might be that was his last of a number of them, or he just was so shocked he scored that his heart gave out.

    More seriously, rabbits are either tough or surprisingly easy to kill. In my younger days, I rescued wild rabbits that have been beat to hell by something, and they survived. Another time, a friend and I were target shooting, and a rabbit spooked out of a hole in front of our target, ran about three steps, and dropped. We thought maybe we’d shot it by accident. Turned out that no, it just had a heart attack from the sound of the rifle. Go figure.

  • Bill Slider

    The answer is obvious. The male rabbit is blah, and therefore lazy, everyone knows that.

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      You mean it’s not twoo?

    • Vecciojohn

      One you go black rabbit, you never go jackrabbit. Or something.

  • Biel_ze_Bubba

    Prolly a reason the video is cut so quickly – but the effect is hilarious. And it gets funnier every time.

    • Vecciojohn

      They cut it before he gets up and heads to the refrigerator for a beer.

  • JMPesq

    He should have asked his veterinarian if he was ready for sex before taking Viagra.

    • Vecciojohn

      If your erection lasts more than 4 seconds . . .

    • It was karma for giving that lady a black eye.

    • Hardly Ideal

      Ask your doctor if Viagrameth is right for you?

    • wide_stance_hubby

      If your erection lasts more than 4 hours, call me.

      • Biff52

        Hey, look who’s back!

        • wide_stance_hubby

          Standing widely!

  • Jan Ness

    So glad to have an animal husbandry column on the Wonkette website! Thanks for the edumacations! You’ve saved me dollars from college courses.

    • JMPesq

      Animal husbandry?! Oh no, Rick Santorum was right to warn us of man-on-dog marriage!

  • Biel_ze_Bubba

    If your erection lasts for less than five seconds, you should definitely call a doctor – or better yet, EMS.

    • If you have an erection that last more than 4 hours…[insert joke here.]

      • Blank Ron

        I always liked Colbert’s joke. ‘If your erection lasts more than four hours, you’re welcome.’

  • mom dad nooooo

    • Jan Ness

      Maybe looked at the Playboy mag first? Well the menz folks do like the bunnez!

    • guppy06

      That’s not your dad.

  • Me not sure

    He’s not dead, I do that every time.

    • kindness

      With rabbits? And here I thought Furries were strange.

      • Me not sure

        No, but I have looked longingly at one of Carly Fiorina’s sheep during a dry spell.

        • Toomush_Infer

          Californian, eh?…

          • Me not sure

            Ewe betcha!

    • Msgr_Moment

      He’s resting after a prolonged squawk.

      • Me not sure

        I’ve been nailed to the perch for years.

        • Msgr_Moment

          Eeeeewwwwww, fish sex.

          • Me not sure

            Oops, caught again.

  • Sebastian Melmoth

    Say, speaking of bunnies, whatever happned to that great porno film director, Bunny Luv?

  • Enfant Terrible

    That’s going out with a bang!

    • PubOption

      Coming and going at the same time?

  • schmannity

    Now that’s what I call “having a way to shut that down.”

    • Vecciojohn

      Curse you and your quick wit, sir. Curse you I say!

  • There’s got to be a metaphor/joke about Gamergate or “legitimate rape” in here somewhere….

    • Vecciojohn

      Well, it does look like she shut that whole thing down pretty effectively. So there’s that.

    • MrBlobfish

      Gamer watches video, sez “rabbit dude I’m totally stealing your technique”.

  • cousin itt

    Bitch works for Elmer Fudd.

  • el_donaldo

    You laugh now, but wait until bunny ejaculations are our next renewable energy source. You’ll be laughing much more then.

  • shastakoala

    I think you’re supposed to feel pity before the bunny bump, not after.

  • Toomush_Infer

    Hey! That could be me – that rabbit is only sleeping…..

    • Zippy

      pining for the fjords

  • cousin itt

    RIP Hugh Hefner.

    • Vecciojohn

      Oh shit, it was sitting right there all the time! Brilliant!

  • I assume Evan is assigned these stories because the rest of the Wonkette staff are too busy fapping to the hawtt hetero porno.

    • Vecciojohn

      Oh my God, are we sure that was a girl duck he was humping? Have I been fapping to GAY duck porn!?!

      • Biel_ze_Bubba

        And it’s off to remedial animal identification for you.

  • Dudleydidwrong

    C’mon, guys. That bunny is now my screen saver. At my age (about 80–closing fast) I can’t think of a better way to go. Unless it is the proverbial “At age 92, shot by the jealous husband of a 26-year-old hawt blonde.”

    • Zippy

      or peacefully asleep at the wheel as all the passengers are screaming

      • Vecciojohn

        Damn straight. You may have to die, but nothing says you can’t take down a bunch of poor dumb sonsabitches with you.

      • “Why sure, Mr. Cruz, I’ll happily be your limo driver!”… with votes…

    • willi0000000

      how about . . . at the age of 92 while in the saddle with some cute young thing . . . and have an elephant step on your ass.

    • BeliTsari

      However would you insert an engorged dick into something that small… kicking & biting? Unless your name was Ailes & you’d paid it $100 a week to just writhe around, smiling? Well… spitting!

  • JoeChristmas

    The rabbit done died.

    • laineypc

      Yeah, I was musing whether this was some obscure reference to Rebecca’s pregnancy.

      • Zippy

        or Steven Tyler

    • Biff52

      Sadly for them, the rabbits always died, pregnant or not.

    • So, you were saying, Mr. Tyler?

  • fawkedifiknow

    I can’t get into watching that like most other porn you get on the intertubes.

  • MrBlobfish

    It’s not the quality, it’s the quantity.

  • Biel_ze_Bubba

    She barely had time to ask, “Are you done yet?”

    • Vecciojohn

      And the boy wins a cigar!

  • Villago Delenda Est

    He’s the Nelson Rockefeller of bunny rabbits. Woohoo!

    • Not So Much

      And FDR also! Too!

    • Me not sure

      Bunny sounds like it could have been a knickname for one of the Rockefeller girls.

      • Me not sure

        Come to think of it, wasn’t Nelson’s wife called Happy?

  • TheBidenator

    I dunno if that rabbit died or not but that video was fucking funny….here’s my joke: that’s one rabbit who didn’t go out like Elvis, that’s for damned sure.

  • Zippy

    Embarrassing? Yes. But it still beats being found hanging nekkid in a closet in Bangkok with no one to blame but yourself…

    • Vecciojohn

      I say let he who has never been found hanging naked in a closet in Bangkok cast the first sfone.

      • Zippy

        I guess that leaves David Duchovny out

    • Me not sure

      Have you been talking to Neil Bush ?

    • ahughes798

      Michael Hutchence libelz!!!11!!!!1!1!

  • Anarchy Pony

    Poor lady bunnies can’t get no satisfaction.

  • Zippy

    Best way to determine if he’s dead or not- did he tell the lady bunny to go make him a sammich afterwards? If not, he’s definitely deceased

  • I don’t know if I posted this here before, but it seems pertinent.

    I watched a duck have a heart attack once. True story. In Florida , we had lots of “lakes” that
    were really there for storm runoff. They were nasty, stagnant ponds, but ducks seemed to like them. Also, the retirees like to feed them so they got really fat. Anyway, one big ol’ buck duck decided he needed some Daisy Duck action and proceeded to mount the apple of his eye. Daisy said, “hold on there stud…you don’t get onto this A-ticket ride with just a compliment. You need to prove yourself. To which she led him on a merry chase around the “lake”. She’d stop, he’d waddle with his little duck dick hanging out (really) and ZOOM, she’d be off again. This went on for about 30 minutes until she seemed to say, “ok lover…you look like you got the goods. Hop on.” He did hop on in a sort of panting duck fashion and proceed to make his contribution to the continuance of the species. Just then he stopped…looked up…and dropped like a felled tree. Dead. Daisy looked him over, did the duck version of “meh” and went off to see another baby daddy.

    1 hour later an alligator ate the duck’s corpse.

    I was only 12 at the time. Had I been a little older I might have understood a little more about the nature of relationships.

    • Toomush_Infer

      Yeah – I always hate the alligator…

      • Dumbass retirees in the area would always feed them marshmallows. Then, whenever a ‘gator saw a human sans guimauve, he (she? who can tell?) would get pissy and aggressive and animal control and/or cops would come out. Generally the end result was a dead alligator.

    • SayItWithWookies

      I think this skit was an outtake from Everything You Always Wanted to Know about Sex But Were Afraid to Ask.

      • Vecciojohn

        I think it’s the old “why a duck” routine from Shakespeare’s A Day at the Races.

      • Biel_ze_Bubba

        I think this one belongs in “Everything you were always afraid of about sex, but wanted to ask.”

    • Vecciojohn

      Whoa, great story and an even greater capper.

    • Me not sure

      I’m disappointed that you told a Florida story and nobody got shot.

      • Sam Hain

        Some cops came along later and shot the gator for being the wrong color and of course they saw him “reach for something” and were deathly afraid…for themselves.

        • Me not sure

          All better!

      • OctopiRage

        Maybe later someone shot the gator on a golf course.

    • guppy06

      True story. In Florida

      Enough said.

    • MrBlobfish

      I’ve seen duck sex. More elegant than pigeon sex.

  • I find this very hard to fap to.

  • Blueb4sunrise

    Gotta say: After a long day of not intert-netting, to return to the tubes and see
    this headline at the top of the sidebar at one of our friendly sites was excellent. Thank you Evan.

    [ Yes, I save Yer Wonket for last after slutting around elsewhere]

    • Vecciojohn

      We’re used to sloppy seconds, dear, don’t trouble yourself.

  • Vecciojohn

    . . . so the bunny shrugs her shoulders and says, “I’m a fatalist. If it kills him it kills him.”

  • Logic of Color

    I mean why were these bunnies even being filmed? pervs.

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      Never been to the San Fernando Valley, have you?

    • The Daily Show is really going downhill fast with Stewart leaving

  • BloviateMe

    Rabbit sex is a hare-y experience, no doubt about it.

    • Rufus T. Firefly

      It’s a thumping good time.

  • Msgr_Moment

    Vagina dentata, obvs.

  • Guest

    Rand Paul screws himself to death every time he opens his small mouth and shakes his curls while nattering at whistle stops.

  • guppy06

    An artistic representation of my typical weekend. Well, minus the sex partner, that is.

  • zerosumgame0005

    I don’t know if it’s his last gasp but that sound he makes is not letting me stop laughing!

  • Alex Grey

    If that’s all the rabbit could handle, he’s lucky he isn’t a lion.

  • handyhippie65

    damn skippy, if you gotta go, that’s the best way i can think of. though, she prolly weren’t too happy ’bout the whole dyin’ inside her thing. talk about a killer bod.

  • Mehmeisterjr

    This is the video version of John Updike’s novel “Rabbit, He Fucks.”

  • Me not sure

    God, do I feel like an idiot! I must have watched this 20+ times yesterday and still came back to it today.
    Dead fuck-bunny is my new happy place. May God have mercy upon me.

  • Oginikwe

    Male bunnies momentarily pass out after having an orgasm. He’s not dead. In a few seconds, he’ll jump up and have another go at it.

    • guppy06

      Further srs internet research concurs (or at least they all seem to have legs spasms at the end).

      This particular video better represents my weekends, including the Disney paraphernalia.

  • H0mer0

    that reminds me of a joke which ends with a rooster lying on the ground, motionless on his back and the farmer says “You just f’kd yourself to death, didn’t you” and the rooster responds (sotto voce) “Shh, vultures.”

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