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Bristol Palin with "mono"

We had nothing but Molotovs when we heard Bristol Palin had betrothed herself to Medal of Honor soldierman Dakota Meyer.

We love love! And my God, after watching (parts of) her truly fucking terrible reality show, we genuinely wished for Bristol a relationship with a man (or special lady!) who wasn’t a dumb fucking idiot.

Well, shooty Murkin hero Meyer posted to his Instagramz that he and Palin are shacked up in Kentucky, even though they have not even had their sacred union blessed by any manner of Sky Daddy, not even the Sky Daddy that doesn’t hate gays, just kidding there’s no Sky Daddy that doesn’t hate gays!

Here, have some announcement:

Screen Shot 2015-04-14 at 10.34.08 AM

This is not the first time Bristol Palin, Ambassador for Abstinence to America’s Youth, has played house with a man who weren’t her husband, but let’s put that on hold for a second because we just saw this shit while we were looking up that thing we just said about “Ambassador for Abstinence”:

Apparently, the organization [the Candie’s Foundation] was only able to find $35,000 to grant to charities from the $1,242,476 donated from the public. Meanwhile, the young Ms. Palin managed to pull in a $262,500 paycheck for her role as an ambassador for their teen pregnancy prevention campaign in 2009.

HOLY FUCKBALLS. More than two hundred fifty large for an 18- or 19-year-old “ambassador” whose main qualification for telling girls to keep their dicks in their pants was NOT KEEPING HER DICK IN HER PANTS. We … we just … alskdfjlskdjflsdjflskdjflksdjflksdjflskdjflskdjfs!!1!11

OK, we think that is out of our systems now (no it is not, it will never be out of our systems, Bristol Palin’s Candie’s Foundation paycheck will be on our fucking tombstone, but we MUST MOVE ON), and we can concentrate on the other times Bristol Palin has lived with gross horny men without benefit of marriage:

Like, there was this time, when she lived with the awful Gino (AWFUL) but Luntzed It Up and renamed it “trial marriage.”

FYI, in 2010 — the year after Bristol made $260,000-plus to promote not-fucking — she sued No. One babydaddy Levi Johnston for $1750 per month in child support, and then seven months later got engaged to him for a second time, and then broke up with him again three weeks later, just as she was set to earn up to $350,000 for Dancing With The Stars. And then last year she sued him for child support again, claiming a zero income for 2013 and 2014, even though in June 2013 she told ABC she worked at a dermatologist’s office, look, she said it RIGHT HERE. That was before going on to call her sister Willow — who had MOVED IN WITH HER (AGAIN) TO HELP WITH HER (BRISTOL’S) SON — “not much of a help.” Which is exactly the same thing Bristol said in the second link in this very post, because Willow did not finish roasting the chicken for Bristol’s date with Gino after Bristol told her THREE TIMES to leave and then bitched that she left.

We can’t find whether Johnston and Palin ever lived together, and if we don’t stop looking now, something seriously bad is going to happen to our brains, and we are sorry, this post has to stop now, this kitchen floor isn’t going to lie on itself.

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  • Nounverb911

    With all of the other teabaggers running for President of Cuba, the Palins must be feeling left out.

  • smashedinhat

    Sounds like mama Palin has taught her yungun the power of the grift well.

  • diogenez

    I never realized that hyenas were native to Alaska.

  • Nounverb911

    Has Bristol moved her entire “Bristol Meth” operation to Kentucky or did she leave manufacturing in Wasilla?

  • schmannity

    “Celebrating our first week living together in Kentucky by shooting our Warsport LVOA”

    It must be serious since they have jointly owned marital guns.

  • cessnadriver

    Every repig everywhere wants the Talibunny to be President and they love her good, christian family. Not kidding.

    • ThatDale

      It’s eerie—I shared a Fartknocker Report on the FaceSpace and more than one person jumped in to say they considered her to be more competent (their words!) than the Current Occupant. Everyone else posited that their Contract with Teabaggery requires them to say that, but still.

      • cessnadriver

        These are the people who called Dan Quayle a great war hero and John Kerry a traitor and coward.

  • Ruhe

    “@warsport”???

    • Lot_49

      And here you probably agreed with the victor in the Late Unpleasantness that war is hell.

    • Biff52

      War is sport. Got it.

  • speed racer

    Ted Cruz, Rand Paul, and Marco Rubio have sucked all of the oxygen out of the clown car and this is the Palins response to get their name back out front.

  • Ruhe

    I live in Kentucky so let me say that I for one welcome our new grifty and well-armed overlords.

    • kindness

      Wouldn’t that be underlords or do you know something about Bristol being a Top that you should be sharing with the rest of us?

  • Lizzietish81

    Is it possible to bring Kentucky down? Yes, yes it is.

    • schmannity

      Everyone in Alaska is just a little bit smarter for over a week now.

    • cessnadriver

      Perhaps she’ll enjoy the diet of squirrel brains and lead based paint chips. And grits.

  • tomsveb

    Griftin’ ain’t easy
    … But it’s necessary

  • Gleem-McShinez

    I don’t want to upset any of the experts out there, but is it even legal to fire off that many fucking hashtags with one twitter-pull?

  • JMPesq

    “Apparently, the organization [the Candie’s Foundation] was only able to find $35,000 to grant to charities from the $1,242,476 donated from the public”

    A conservative Christian charity turned out to just be a scam? Oh my, I am shocked, shocked almost as much as fist dozen hundred times that happened. And I am extra shocked that a member of the august house of Palin would be a party to such a common flimflam.

  • Manhattan123

    The grift is strong in this one. Of course, she learned from mommy dearest so it was like getting a Ph.D in grifting.

  • dshwa

    Apparently, the organization [the Candie’s Foundation] was only able to find $35,000 to grant to charities from the $1,242,476 donated from the public. Meanwhile, the young Ms. Palin managed to pull in a $262,500 paycheck for her role as an ambassador for their teen pregnancy prevention campaign in 2009.

    Mama taught her well. That’s an impressive grift.

    • Vienna Woods

      No doubt Lou Sarah was her agent.

    • Duckbudder

      Still $944,976.00 unaccounted for.

      • willi0000000

        administrative fees, shipping and handling.

        [mom’s gotta get something]

  • PubOption

    Looks like Bristol has been caught with her hand in the Candie’s jar.

  • JoeChristmas

    I’ve always enjoyed that Fall of ’07 family pic of the Palin’s. The one where she’s pregnant with Trig.

  • Well, he survived a disastrous firefight against fanatics once, so I guess you could say that prepared him for dealing with the Palins. Either that, or he likes living on the edge.

    • KenRob

      Or – he’s just as RW bat shit crazy & money hungry as they are. Judging by his actions so far, I’ll go with that assessment. =)

  • SadDemInTex

    1. The grift will never end 2. She will never get married because she does not want to be legally obligated to share the grift. She saw how mad Snowbilly is at home watching Daddy use her Snowbilly grift money. 3. Kinda reminds me of the movie The Grifters…and we know how that ends…..don’t let Bristol watch THAT movie Mama Grizzley.

  • Bitter Scribe

    According to your Forbes link, the CEO of the parent company of Candie’s, the clothing company that runs the Candie’s Foundation, “stated his belief that hiring Ms. Palin to be the spokesperson for The Candie’s Foundation was a bold strategy for the organization, as their primary mission is to raise awareness, not donate funds.”

    Oh, they donated funds all right. To Bristol.

    I wonder how long her marriage/relationship/whatever with Mr. Hero will last once that money runs out.

    • OneYieldRegular

      So the people who donated to Candie’s thinking they were helping to prevent teen pregnancy were actually underwriting fun with firearms.

      • WagMoreBarkLess

        Fun with firearms by kids shacking up.

  • JMPesq

    How many engagements has this been, anyway? Is type of thing common among the fundamentalists, where young couples are pressured to get married even though they’re far away from being ready for it?

  • Gleem-McShinez

    “And when you shoot, do not be like the hypocrites, for they love to shoot standing in the selfies and on the hashtag trending lists to be seen by others. Truly I tell you, they have received their reward in full.”

    Semi-Auto Jesus 20:16

    • ahughes798

      Did Full-Auto Jesus happen after the resurrection? Because that would totally be awesome!

    • dshwa

      Credo in Uzzi Deum

    • WagMoreBarkLess

      They shall beat their plowshares into Warsports.

  • Lot_49

    “Luntzed it Up”….O! how I love that expression.

    And didn’t Bristol own a sprawltopian tract house outside Phoenix? Ken Layne was all over that shit, back in the day.

    And which one will cheat first?

    • TeenLaQueefa

      You’re assuming neither has yet?

    • Rabbit_Rebozo

      Him, with Holly Fisher, in the library.

      • vivian

        Or Colonel Mustard in the Drawing room with a pipe wrench

  • Guest

    Trix, you really shouldn’t be reading stuff like this while in your condition. That much rage is not good for the babby while it’s forming.

    • PsycWench

      I doubt that it will help the hemorrhoids either.

      • Lot_49

        ‘Roid rage, meet rage ‘roids.

  • dshwa

    I give them 3 years, two kids, and 1 really messy public divorce.

    • JMPesq

      Given Palin history, I give them six months, a broken engagement, and one kid born afterwards.

      • dshwa

        You’re probably right, that was a pretty optimistic assessment on my part.

        • Cindyinencinitas

          I’ll go 4 months, no weddin, a repo’ed truck, and a kid born afterwards who they’ll name Frack.

          • Amy!

            I was thinking “Slide” or “Scope”. Maybe “Rail” (possibly with “Picatinny” as a middle name, but people might misinterpret …).

          • BackDoorMan

            If one is to look for clues in the tweet pic for baby names, my money is on Tripod.

      • Biff52

        But to keep the illusions going, they’ll pretend it’s Willow’s kid.

        • Beaumarchais?

          Who may be pregnant herself by then.

  • hornheat

    The grift is strong in this one.

    • SecludedCompound

      Hahaha… shoot, nine minutes late.

  • SuspectedDemocrat

    Giving her a quarter mil will do just as much good as any abstinence-only education program, so why the hell not.

  • whatwhomever

    Anyone who pays Bristol Palin anything to do anything other than pop out bastards and bastardinas deserves what they will get (nothing).

  • Leema Raven

    “lope_dog: future president”
    That’s some powerful derp goin’ on there. Real powerful.

  • hornheat

    It really is a shame that no video surfaced of the fight at the Wasilla birthday party. The Palins must have paid all their grifting income to quash it.

    • dshwa

      Moving to rural Kentucky might just be part of the planning for the sequel.

  • mrFawkes

    I will put the over/under at “fuck yes they will” on will pizza be served/catered at the wedding.

    • dshwa

      Probably form a pizza place that only serves to “traditional marriage receptions,” sticking one more fork in irony’s desiccated carcass.

    • Pat

      Will this be enough for the crowd?

  • Virginia Dreaming

    Bristol is going to be a doctor someday. She is already living by the hypocritic oath.

  • SecludedCompound

    The Grift is strong in this one.

    • Virginia Dreaming

      True. Unfortunately the intelligence is not.

  • madmonq

    I hope they name the out-of-wedlock baby they will eventually have Abbey. Short for ‘Abstinent’ Or what Christian Bristol isn’t.

    • Lizzietish81
      • dshwa

        Charity?

        • LesBontemps

          I still hold out hope for the traditional Alaskan names: Pipeline if a boy, Toolshed if a girl.

          • Beaumarchais?

            We can be pretty sure it won’t be named Trojan.

          • Amy!

            Aeneas. Escaped Trojan.

          • Ricky Gay

            Cache Palin

      • Virginia Dreaming

        I think Chastity (Bono) has better sense that to get involved with the Palins.

    • leemoder

      Griff Terrance Palin. Adheres to their oddball grunt-reply system for naming the kidz.

  • schmannity

    Introducing the newest Rand Paul voter, Bristol “Bang Bang” Palin. P.S., she also shoots guns.

    • kindness

      No doubt ‘Bristol Bang Bang Palin’ deserves it’s place on restroom walls in many of the less than finer establishments across this land.

      For a good time call…

  • OneYieldRegular

    Never outgunned. Always outsmarted.

    • dshwa

      That’s the new republican motto right there.

  • But will she wear her thong dress to the wedding?
    http://www.tmz.com/videos/0_r0l1wx1z

  • Cowpocalypse_Now

    Totally not grifting. Just seems so easy to do with wingnuts. All you gotta do is be white and mention the baby jesus once in awhile.

  • JoeChristmas

    Drudge Siren: A Palin Likes To Fuck!

    • Fuckin’ Palins.
      ~

      • Cindyinencinitas

        Most oft-heard words in Wasilla, I’ll wager.

    • cheeriogirl

      I was just thinking about you. How’ve you been Joe?

      • JoeChristmas

        I always think about you che. E-mail me!

  • Gleem-McShinez

    “She IS TOO the best goddamn spokesperson for abstinence ever!”

    –Levi Johnston

  • Portia McGonagal

    Grifter doesn’t fall far from the tree

  • MrBlobfish

    A weeks gone by and there haven’t been any fistfights with the neighbors?

  • Gleem-McShinez

    claiming a zero income for 2013

    Could the IRS actually target a wingnut charity group, for reals, this time?
    Why not give the butthurtians of the rightwing something to really cry about?

  • ez

    Griftiness, is it genetic or is it learned behaviour?

    • AnOuthouse

      I bet its similar to what causes hypocrisy.

  • Capt.Jim

    I dont reckon you can count fucking in a pup tent high on the wine coolers as living together,but for $260 large I would prolly No I wouldn’t forget that shit couldn’t put up with momma cunt and runt cunt is prolly just as bad

  • Skwerl King

    I have to become a right wing kook. There’s gold in them dead brain cells.

    • AnOuthouse

      I’m trying to figure how I can not serve the gays. Maybe I could open a straights only lemonade stand. Wait, no – I got – I’ll have some cute kid open the stand, then pay a gay to be mean. Oh man, this has retirement fund written all over it.

    • Scribe57

      I’m thinking gold plated seeds.

    • vivian

      10000 to 1 the right wing kooks dole out dosh to their anointed leaders. If you decide to go kookly, make sure you’re on the right end of the equation.

  • JParkerSD46

    I, too, have some announcement: I hate these grifty, low-life, lying, stealing, hypocritical, dirt-bag asshats. Wow, I wonder if the gullible ignants (it’s a word…look it up) who paid for Bristol’s meager salary would like some of their money back? Haha, of course not. They probably want to send her more…to spread the word about how successful abstinence really is. P.S. the word is “legs”. Sorry, old joke.

  • Gleem-McShinez

    “a future president?”

    YES!!1
    In yet another wise future decision of the Supreme Court, guns will be determined to be people, speech, deeply-held religious beliefs, AND eligible to run for President!

    • Toomush_Infer

      Just remember: one bullet = one vote!…

    • BackDoorMan

      … I think I saw that movie… didn’t realize it was a glimpse of things to come. What was the name… Idiot-something, you know, the one with “electrolytes! it’s what plants crave!”

  • I’d bet that Bristol follows the same logic as many a teenager I grew up with in the middle of Jerry Falwell’s fiefdom; it’s not a sin if it’s TRU WUV.

    • darnyoudarnyoutoheck

      For it to really not be a sin it has to “just happen”. Birth control is a sign of shameful planning ahead.

  • Gleem-McShinez

    The part of this story that pisses me off the most? Making me feel a little sorry for Levi.

    • New Rule: If we can’t, after all is said and done, make this election go the right way, at least we can save one man. I’m talking about young Master Levi Johnston. He’s the 18-year-old Alaskan hockey enthusiast who knocked up Sarah Palin’s daughter, and the National Enquirer describes him as “a boozing pot-smoker who doesn’t want to get married” – and John McCain thinks he found his soul mate!

      We’ve all recently seen how evil henchman of the Republican party captured this poor innocent out of his natural habitat and forced him into a shotgun wedding, all so that their campaign narrative of fake family values could be upheld. When the 17-year-old daughter of the vice presidential candidate running on the Jesus ticket is “out to here,” it’s just better that Levi was introduced as the “fiancé.” Looks a little less white trashy.

      But that doesn’t change the fact that right now Levi is America’s number one political prisoner. But Levi, you don’t have to be – this is the 21st century, at least in the blue states. We don’t have sharia law like in Saudi Arabia, or Alabama, and as much as the Bible thumpers would want it, we still don’t have arranged marriages in America. You don’t have to do this – you have options. You can pull a Juno – fuck, you live in Juneau! Or you could do what most people do with an unwanted child: give it to Angelina Jolie.

      And if you’re worried about the baby, don’t – let’s get real dude, the way you are at 18, a baby’s better off not being around you – you’ll wind up losing it, or shooting it, or it’ll be on the bottom of your skate or something – just let the Palin womenfolk look after it for a while, one more infant in that Mormon compound they call a house won’t bother anybody – they’ll barely notice another kid at the table, and soon they won’t even remember whose seed it was that produced young “Trink” or “Truck” or “Puck” or whatever fucked up redneck name they give him.

      In any event, we here at Real Time have taken the liberty of purchasing the website FreeLevi.org. And I will be happy to give the site over to you if you want to use it to get folks to contribute to some sort of liberty fund so you can get enough money to get out of that frozen meth lab they call a town. And even if the money doesn’t come in, listen to me, it’s not too late: just grab your skull bong, climb out the window, and get on the highway. I can’t actually come get you, or even let you stay at my place because I’m pretty sure you’d smoke all my weed, but just call me from a pay phone, I know of a safe house you can stay ‘til after the election, it’s like the witness protection program for baby-daddies.

      And remember, Levi: California knows how to party. Trust me, the girls out here are going to love a big, high-sticking farm boy like you. If you play your cards right, in a couple weeks you could be screwing the lesbian right out of Lindsay Lohan.

      • Vecciojohn

        Great screed, but what the hell is a lesbian doing inside Lindsay Lohan?

        • Sheepshagger

          Yeah! What is she doing? You got, um, photos? Cause I’m curious, for science.

        • Amy!

          Desperately trying to escape?

          Fuck your ‘curiosity’! I’m outta here, bitch! I don’t care about your money. You’re nuts!

  • Spurning Beer

    Bristol has something that’s “deeply held,” but I don’t think it’s religious beliefs.

  • Gleem-McShinez

    “When Life gives you ________ , make ________!”

    A. Lemons, Lemonade
    B. Poorly Written Amendments, Gun Porn
    C. Bastard Children, $250 Large

    • Hardly Ideal

      At the risk of ruining my liberal cred, that is a pretty fetching barrel shroud in that photo.

      • Meccalopolis

        yes, but why would you want the tripod pivot on the END of the barrel?

        • Hardly Ideal

          I can’t say I know for sure, but I imagine it’s kinda like computer mice. Some people manage with precision twitches while others need a whole desk, and I think where you put the tripod has some similar effect on leverage.

          *shrug* I dunno, I’m not really a gun nut. I just play one on Team Fortress 2.

    • Hardly Ideal

      D. Softball Questions, Word Salad

      Wait, damn, wrong Palin.

    • Vecciojohn

      Suckers to fleece, make ’em squeal like pigs

    • BackDoorMan

      D. National Prominence For No Good Reason, Shitloads Of Money

  • Guest

    Story makes me reach for my hanky.

    • Biff52

      I, personally, found it difficult to fap to.

      • guppy06

        Truly there are no more heroes.

  • AnOuthouse

    At least she afford birth control now. And literacy training so she can read the instructions.

    • honestyingov

      I don’t THINK that will matter. Bristle used to use “Bartles and James ” when she went tent-camping in Alaska. Kin-Tucky is famous for Jack Daniels. You KNOW she has moved on to the Hard Stuff by now.

      “Barefoot and Pregnant” will fit perfectly for Her next reality Show she performs in down there in the Holler… Yee Haw!

      • KarenJ

        Kin-Tucky is famous for Jack Daniels. Fetal alcohol syndrome in waiting…

      • KenRob

        During one of our trips, We visited the Jack Daniels facility. Very interesting. Then we went in to the town close by (can’t remember the name) to browse the quaint stores. Found out that they were in a dry County. So they could make Jack Daniels there, just couldn’t drink it.

        • Amy!

          Also? Jack’s Tennessee whiskey. Made in Lynchburg (not the one in Virginia).

          Tastes terrible, mind. Bourbon (originally distilled in Bourbon County, KY) is the tipple for Kentuckians. Also tastes terrible. Get yourself a nice vodka, like Pshchenichnaia.

          :-)

          • KenRob

            Thank you! Lynchburg was the name of the town I couldn’t remember. It was driving me crazy. I prefer vodka too. Never could acquire a taste for bourbon.

        • BackDoorMan

          … I think it’s safe to assume that one will be crossed off Bristle’s list of “places to visit in Kin-tucky”.

          • KenRob

            Or they’ll find another way to get the $$$$ they love by setting up their own stills.

        • Pat

          I lived in a dry county once in Tennessee. Believe me there are plenty of bootleggers. Not for visitors but for locals you just drive to their house and the porch or kitchen is like a liquor store. This one bootlegger had it fixed up so you could just drive up to the window and pay a few bucks for a plastic bottle gallon of “Mountain Dew”. That was home made moonshine mixed with soda. I discovered this drive through on a date with the sheriff’s brother.

          • KenRob

            LOL! We heard lots of moonshine stories while traveling through the south. Never got to experience moonshine for ourselves though. And isn’t it typical for down there that your discovery was with the sheriff’s brother. =) Thanks for sharing.

      • fredoandme

        jack daniels is made in tennessee. it’s maker’s mark in kentucky. or woodford reserve. or evan williams. lots of bourbons and whiskeys, but not jack daniels.

  • Me not sure

    I remember an old 60’s rock song called “The Bristol Stomp” . I’m not sure why it comes so easily to mind right now.

    • BackDoorMan

      … that will be the perfect song to play at the wedding reception, when it turns into another patented Palin booze-and-brawl fest. You *know* it’s going to happen.

      • Me not sure

        Oh, to be there with afilm crew!

  • AnOuthouse

    If that’s them, then who took the picture? Jonathon?

  • hdtex

    Grifting for Jeebus…just like her momma.

  • John

    So, still an ambassador for abstinence?

    • Beaumarchais?

      Other people’s abstinence, apparently.

  • hillarysleftone

    Candie’s, now what is it they make? Mass-market fuck-me pumps designed with the tastes and budgets of the adolescent market in mind, or do I remember incorrectly?

  • geoffalnutt

    A verb. Who knew “vagina” is a verb? I am non-plussed, and a lot, too.

    • Toomush_Infer

      All my vaginas have been verbs – and very active ones, I might add…

      • geoffalnutt

        Vagina-ing? Please advise.

  • Cindyinencinitas

    Thanks for giving me my daily dose of rage. Thanks a whole bunch.

  • Querolous

    So as an allegedly traditional xtian spouse will she be using his last name? Will that make the offspring Bristol Meyer’s Squib?
    http://harrypotter.wikia.com/wiki/Squib

  • RUexperienced

    I guess nobody is going to ‘drag her across the lawn in her thong dress’ again, eh?

    • H0mer0

      “thong dress” how does that work? (something to do with the joke about why women have legs?(A:so men don’t carry them around like six packs.)

      • RUexperienced

        At the Palin hillbilly brawl, Bristol was in such a drunken stupor, she told the cop that “some guy dragged me across the lawn in my thong dress.”

      • Pat

        Bristol’s cammo thong dress is a see-through skirt where in the right light you can plainly see she’s only wearing an attached thong underwear. It’s how all good christian girls advertise their goods in front of their children, family and the world. Here she is wearing it at her latest family brawl. Picture courtesy of Anchorage Police Dept. She was crying on the audio that she was also wearing only beer and makeup on her face and complaining that she lost her $300 sunglasses.

        • ThePuckStopsHere

          Never has the “see more” clicky thing been more apropos. Or icky.

    • BackDoorMan

      Next time will probably be a parking lot at the local Liquor & Guns outlet. In just a thong.

  • Mavenmaven

    And you just know that’s a picture of Obama they are shooting at.

  • Beaumarchais?

    “You might put some of that away for college, honey—this grift won’t last forever” said no responsible adult in the Palin family ever.

    • BackDoorMan

      … “and Beautician College isn’t cheap, your have to provide your own course materials.”

      • Peripatetic Poltroon

        What, you need to bring your own ugly people? Ain’t that a damn.

        • BackDoorMan

          Well, if you’re familiar with Faces of Meth, you’ll see there’s no shortage of candidates. I figure for the Palins, it’s just a drive around the neighbourhood.

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      When you’re grifting ignorant dimwits like wingnuts and teabaggers, it probably will last forever … or at least for your lifetime. Any Tee-Vee Talibangelist worth his broadcast license can pass the whole operation on to future generations of grifter spawn, much like the Corleone family did.

  • say wha

    Isn’t there a nice Duggar boy Bristol could marry and settle down to poppin’ out babbies with?

    • Baby_Raptor

      The match made in wingnut heaven…

    • KenRob

      Must be at least one. And the added benefit is that she’ll be forced to keep those babbies. She’s been so successful with the only one she did keep./s

  • BearGHAZI

    get thee to a nunnery, skank

  • Gristle McThornbody

    Geez you guys, reread the twit. He and the Grifterette are “celebating” their first week living together. Goodness, gracious, blue balls of fire!

    • Pat

      Maybe he meant “celibating”. Bristol swore to the media that she was going to stay celibate until marriage.

      • BackDoorMan

        What Bristle meant was “sell a bit” – her days of giving it away are over, apparently.

  • Toomush_Infer

    Redneck ethics sez it’s okay for her to shack up in Kentuckistan – she’s over 16 and has already popped one – soiled grammaw rules apply….

  • Rabbit_Rebozo

    With Brizdull now resident Kentucky finally has something more toxic and potentially disastrous than the big uranium enrichment plant outside Paducah.

  • Anarchy Pony

    If you ain’t waist deep in hypocrisy, you ain’t republicaning right.

  • elpinche

    The Palin girls love to fuck. No wonder ordinary christian men pitch circus tents just standing next to them.

    http://www.liveleak.com/view?i=6d2_1278539943

    • KarenJ

      I wonder when it’ll occur to the Palin women to bottle their pheromones. The essences obviously affect men’s lizard brains, and probably attract tomcats too.

      • Biel_ze_Bubba

        Men with lizard brains, perhaps. The trailer-trash atmosphere around this clan is thick enough to repel any male of average intelligence.

  • Me not sure

    They are the perfect people to promote Kentucky’s new tourism slogan “KY, Slide In and Stay Awhile.”

    • Amy!

      Just think … maybe Bristol moved there so that her mom could have another shot at a vice-presidential candidacy grift? Paul/Palin! Pale/Paler!

      Her face at first so ghostly …

      • Me not sure

        …turned a Palin shade of white

    • guppy06

      Service employees were promised tips!

      • Me not sure

        Reservoir tips?

  • Joseph

    Dear Wonkette,

    You wrote “shooty Murkin hero Meyer”. I don’t understand since where I come from a murkin is a toupee for a bald snatch.

    Can you clarify?

    Thank you, your freind Jimmy.

    • H0mer0

      Ees boat’a dem ;eet wurks on zo many levelz;

      As a primary care physician, I have noticed that lately, a bald snatch seems to be the norm rather than the exception

      • guppy06

        Save the Brazilian rain forests!

      • Biel_ze_Bubba

        One doesn’t have to be a primary care physician to have noticed this. Or so I’ve been told.

      • Joseph

        Still, when you want to show a little muff for the prom … you can get a murkin on line.

      • Joseph

        Indeed. But like a tattoo sometimes what is done needs to be undone temporatily. They sell Merkins on the interweb for three to five dollars depending if you care if you sweat through it or not.

    • Mary McDonald

      Murkin = American.

  • TheBidenator

    Awww idn’t that cute? The morons are bonding by firing a deadly weapon as an act of courtship. Either Dakota Meyer is also an excellent grifter or he’s even dumber than he looks by hooking up with ole Barstool.

    • essbird

      Yep, he’s a grifter, and he’ll take half of her money when he goes. Easy come, easy go. Hope he’s good in the ol’ sackeroo.

      • BackDoorMan

        In a perfect world, yes. However, not to credit Mama Grifty with intelligence or anything but I’m willing to bet her “protective motherly instincts” kicked in about the same time as the cash started rolling in. She’s probably even made Tawd sign a post-nup so there’s probably a pre-nup involved here.

  • old_redneck

    Every pic I have seen of Bristol and Dakota includes firearms . . . and not just any firearm, but, big ol’ specialized rifles.

    Sweet Thing and I have been married 49 years and I recall fondly the two years we dated in college back home in Alabama — I mean EVERY SINGLE DATE involved hauling out our guns and shooting up everything in sight — no movies, no going to sports events, no hanging out in the back seat of my ’57 Chevy — just shootin’ and shootin’ and shootin’ — don’t all ENGAGED couples go around shootin’ up the countryside?

    • KarenJ

      Makes you wonder when Dakota, Bristol and little Tripp go into comas due to lead vapor poisoning from all that shootin’ and shootin’.

  • DFW_WTF

    Commiefornia!!! Who says right-wingers are terrible with jokes?

    • mailman27

      Me?

  • behaveyrself

    Mark my words…They’ve got their own place so they can start shootin the reality teevee show “Mericun Hee-roes” asap.

  • Juneau she’s an idiot, right?

    Really? Are you sure?

    Alaska.

    • TundraGrifter

      How long have you been out there hunkered down in the weeds, waiting to use that one?

    • ryp

      Nome, I hadn’t heard that.

  • jcinco

    What about that Joey Junkie guy? She shacked up with him too.

    • rebecca

      the who now?

      • junasie14

        That would be Joey Junker, the pro snowmobiler that she revirginated with after dumping Gino. She had a post on her blog once asking her tea party fans to help stuff the ballot box for him to win some online contest, just like they helped rig the votes for her on DWTS. It didn’t work and he lost. He was so awesome until he wasn’t.

        • BackDoorMan

          Seriously? A “pro snowmobiler” – when did that become a thing? I’ve been using them for years, not that difficult to master. Unless in Alaska just being able to ride one without falling off makes one a “pro”.

    • NorthStarSpanx

      Oh come on, we all know Bristol has kept her word on Abstinence with any of ’em, all of ’em fiance’s and Trial Husbands over the years. No wonder they are in a hurry to get married.

  • KarenJ

    I’m still wondering if the inarticulate and possibly grammatically incorrect Dakota meant that they were “celebrating” living together rather than “celebating” (as in being celebate) living together.

  • ThisNameInUse

    I think the author totally misread that Facebook post. See, they’re “celebating”. This is apparently new evaginalicle [sic] Christian lingo for “rejoicing in celibacy”. C’mon, Rebecca, get with the times!

    • PepperReed

      evaginalicle = LOL!

  • Drew Miner

    I totally stand up for Bristol’s right to live her life in a way that Bristol would not approve of! I think it’s good that she’s rebelling against the advice she was paid so, so many dollars to give!

    • georgiaburning

      It shows that all that Christian money hasn’t changed her

      • Mike Tell

        Amazing. 10/10

    • guppy06

      Let Bristol be Bristol (way the fuck over there)!

    • BackDoorMan

      … just to clarify, that would be… “for (Wine Cooler) Bristol’s right to live her life in a way that (Abstinence) Bristol would not approve of!” – yes?

  • georgiaburning

    If you pay attention to this type of fame, you know the Kardashians are much better at it

    • DeSwiss

      Yep. Kim has the standard ”No Gorilla Suits” clause in all her contracts.

  • DahBoner

    Will Bristol Palin be headlining at the Harrah’s Casino “How to responsibly manage your money” seminar in Vegas this year?
    http://mrwgifs.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/11/Zach-Galifianakis-Gives-a-Happy-Thumbs-Up-As-He-Speeds-In-a-Convertible-On-The-Freeway.gif

  • Duckbudder

    Dear Shit 4 Brains,

  • Steverino247

    alskdfjlskdjflsdjflskdjflksdjflksdjflskdjflskdjfs!!1!11

    I know how you feel…

  • AndInThisCorner

    I so ❤️ you wonkette! Your irony meter never fails me…

  • guppy06

    we genuinely wished for Bristol a relationship with a man (or special lady!) who wasn’t a dumb fucking idiot.

    Why not both? Wonkett is anti-poly! Come see the microaggression inherent in the system!

  • Walter Wellstone

    The Palins make Honey Boo Boo’s family look normal. Holy shit! I can’t believe that’s actually possible.

    • guppy06

      I wouldn’t go that far. Until they get their stated goal and outlaw fornication and divorce, everybody involved in Palinsex is above the age of consent.

  • Pat

    But wait…you missed reporting on Bristol’s redneck bridal shower. She posted a photo of the gala event herself!

    • BackDoorMan

      … hell of a way to choose bridesmaids… “y’all stand in a line ever there…”

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      Elegant event! Luncheon at Denny’s, or did they go upscale at Applebee’s?

      • Bill Slider

        IHOP libel.

    • NorthStarSpanx

      I’m sure all these ladies are fit to be child brides Travis Angry (Angry, probably no a pseudonym) #singlefulltimedad #YouthSpeaker #Author #Christian

    • Oginikwe

      Where’s mommy?

    • KarenJ

      I have my doubts about the date of this picture (posted 2 weeks ago). Her sister Willow (wbf_) is on a Cabo vacation now, skinnier and with blonde highlights: https://instagram.com/p/1cMb3hggRg/?taken-by=wbf_

      As a matter of fact, here’s what a lightened closeup of Ms. Abstinence herself looked like above. http://tinyurl.com/pj8z5kf

  • Paperless Tiger

    Abstinence. How does it work?

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      Judging from the results – poorly.

  • nice_marmot

    The Bristol Palin Unabstinence Tour™ Proudly Serves Not-Gay Memories Pizza

    (Contraception generously provided by Hobby Lobby)

  • Biel_ze_Bubba

    So this “Ambassador for Abstinence” is a serial shack-up artist. Great – I’m sure that totally convinces teens to do as she says, rather than do as she does.
    The hypocrisy of these grifters runs so fucking deep that they probably can’t even see it. It’s like water to a fish: They swim in it.

    PS: Fuck you, John McCain, for inflicting this trashy clan of Alaskan hillbillies on the country. Or should I say, “infecting the country.” Because like herpes, they’ll never really go away.

  • Patrick_AK

    Please. It’s just reality TV. Would you expect anything less of a star of Jersey Shore, Kardashians, or the rest? Because they’re exactly the same, just with different marketing. Ask yourself how these people are making any money to begin with. Therein lies the true problem.

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      Are the Kardashians grifting the public by soliciting contributions to a bogus “foundation”, and paying themselves ten times what the foundation actually spends on charitable causes? Mama Griftzzly, with her SaraPAC that runs on the same scammy model, taught her cubs well.

      • Patrick_AK

        Well yes, in a way both families are grifting the public. By different means, sure. Different target markets to please, of course. But both families have somehow convinced the public that they’re relevant in some way and worth throwing money at, both families have starred on annoying reality TV shows, and both families feature slutty teenage girls. Do I need to go on?

      • Patrick_AK

        No, they’re not. They don’t need money, they were worth millions before anybody ever heard of them! And they’re too busy releasing nude photos, cheating with Justin Bieber, and winning “Woman of the Year” (despite being a “woman” for less than a year). But they are just as destructive to the American psyche as the Palins, if not more so.

  • jamsie

    Something tells me that young Dakota Meyer is going to regret ever meeting Alaska’s #2 grifter. That relationship is headed for a train wreck at full speed and his life will never be the same. I almost feel sorry for the boy. Almost.

    • Michelle

      looks like Bristol chose the wrong branch of the military for her daughter’s name. HaHaHa. She slept with all those drunken sailors who wouldn’t give her baby their last name–so finally she talked Dakota into making her daughter legitimate.

  • chascates

    Just as long as she doesn’t dance in a monkey costume.

  • Bill Slider

    I think I have the solution, the solution to making Bristol disappear. The IRS used to have a tax fraud hotline where you could totally fuck over your new no longer friend by calling this hotline and destroying their life. You didn’t even need to give the IRS your name, or your phone number.
    Of course this was before you could just post the nude photos of your new non friend and let the pixels speak for themselves. I have no idea whether this creative way of abusing taxpayer dollars remains a thing or not. But, one should not be required to paint one’s office flaming whore red to get the attention of the IRS.

    • Relativicus

      “Good, Mr. Snowden, just one more. See if you can spot the problem in this sentence:

      “‘You didn’t even need to give the IRS your name, or your phone number.'”

  • Rickyphoo

    When it comes to grifting, young Bristol obviously learned from the best, lipsticked-grizzly-mama Sarah the Snowbilly Grifter and she learned her lessons well.

    Also, too, IRS, when you get done counting all the dollars you took from me, would you pretty please, take a look at Bristol?

  • Whale Chowder

    So the needful things ads on this page are for colostomy bags. I have nothing more to say.

  • Rick Hill

    Hey, abstinence is good propaganda for the rubes but a girls got needs.

    • Rick Hill

      But, also too, it really is amazing the lack of shame with the hypocrisy and all.

    • Raz Lemons

      Yep Barstools got needs alright, For a good STD clinic lol

  • docterry6973

    Why would anyone expect anything different from a Palin?

    • Michelle

      Hey–it’s Tractor’s term this time. His girl friend is drunk, doing drugs and pregnant and doesn’t know who the baby daddy is. So he beats her up–sounds like a Palin kind of trick. Question is if Tractor has to get married the first time because Britta was pregnant, why wouldn’t he understand how to use a condom by now. Oh, that’s right–Bristol never understood birth control either–neither did Sarah or Sally. I see a pattern here–what a good example they are setting for Piper and Trigg.

  • Kathy Mayo

    More Wasilla white trash, right there!

    • Veri1138

      Wasillabillies!

  • MDWilson

    You had “nothing but Molotovs” for them? What? Did you blow them up? LOL! I believe you mean to say, “nothing but Mazel tovs”.

    • Jenn Schimmels Brown

      No, I’m pretty sure they meant Molotovs…

      • Joseph

        They don’t but they are so stupid they don’t know how to pronouce ir or where to look it up.

    • dowl

      2012, ‘molotov’ h/t Michele (one L) Bachmann, right?

  • Bill

    No way that guy is military and letting her hold a rifle that way.

    • She has a vagina, he lives in it. She could stick the gun up his ass and get cake for doing so.

    • Joseph

      In spite of all training and what may be right or wrong, when the lady tells you that she will hold the gun anyway she likes and if not ,no blow job after brunch. Well, she holds the gun like she wants.

    • Tim

      He’s got street cred, if you believe the US Military. Infantry Marine with 2 tours. Wikipedia says that’s including a secondary MOS of 0317 (sniper guy). Probably too young to have been eligible for RECON school, unless they changed the rules again.

  • Big Googootz

    Just another episode of “True Slut Puppies of Northern Hooterville”.

  • Sky Daddies don’t hate gays. Idiots who think Sky Daddy talks to them do.

  • Scairp

    Funny shit, girl. Those Palins, the jokes practically write themselves don’t they?

  • D. J.

    Knocked up again. When is her appearance on Maury scheduled?

  • KarenJ

    Meet the REAL Bristol Palin – She wrote on Myspace in 2007: “Track told my parents that I am a stoner”, “Mother thinks I am pregnant”, “I am a slut”
    http://politicalgates.blogspot.com/2012/05/meet-real-bristol-palin-she-wrote-on.html

  • Windsor PoppyCock

    Semen Slurper

  • Relativicus

    “…this kitchen floor isn’t going to lie on itself.”

    It might. You don’t know!

    Sorry, I just think I’d like the Bristol Palin threads to go on forever. Like “dinner with the Palins” forever. Or maybe even “one-on-one conversation with Sister Sarah” forever.

  • Mingchao Shi

    Still talking about abstinence and pregnant with her second bastard, this woman takes hypocrisy to a whole new level.

    • Tim

      Bastards can be pretty cool too. Helps if nobody calls them “bastards” too often.

    • Blackest Noobs

      but is not that the Palin family motto, ” we take hypocrisy to a whole new level.”

  • Joseph

    Every time I see a picture of the Palin family I ask mys elf, Are any members of this family legitimate?” Not that it makes any difference, I still would not buy one of their pups and breed it with the neighbors, but still it is a matter of curiosity and my 14 wives some of which are women.

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