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Bristol Palin with "mono"

We had nothing but Molotovs when we heard Bristol Palin had betrothed herself to Medal of Honor soldierman Dakota Meyer.

We love love! And my God, after watching (parts of) her truly fucking terrible reality show, we genuinely wished for Bristol a relationship with a man (or special lady!) who wasn’t a dumb fucking idiot.

Well, shooty Murkin hero Meyer posted to his Instagramz that he and Palin are shacked up in Kentucky, even though they have not even had their sacred union blessed by any manner of Sky Daddy, not even the Sky Daddy that doesn’t hate gays, just kidding there’s no Sky Daddy that doesn’t hate gays!

Here, have some announcement:

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This is not the first time Bristol Palin, Ambassador for Abstinence to America’s Youth, has played house with a man who weren’t her husband, but let’s put that on hold for a second because we just saw this shit while we were looking up that thing we just said about “Ambassador for Abstinence”:

Apparently, the organization [the Candie’s Foundation] was only able to find $35,000 to grant to charities from the $1,242,476 donated from the public. Meanwhile, the young Ms. Palin managed to pull in a $262,500 paycheck for her role as an ambassador for their teen pregnancy prevention campaign in 2009.

HOLY FUCKBALLS. More than two hundred fifty large for an 18- or 19-year-old “ambassador” whose main qualification for telling girls to keep their dicks in their pants was NOT KEEPING HER DICK IN HER PANTS. We … we just … alskdfjlskdjflsdjflskdjflksdjflksdjflskdjflskdjfs!!1!11

OK, we think that is out of our systems now (no it is not, it will never be out of our systems, Bristol Palin’s Candie’s Foundation paycheck will be on our fucking tombstone, but we MUST MOVE ON), and we can concentrate on the other times Bristol Palin has lived with gross horny men without benefit of marriage:

Like, there was this time, when she lived with the awful Gino (AWFUL) but Luntzed It Up and renamed it “trial marriage.”

FYI, in 2010 — the year after Bristol made $260,000-plus to promote not-fucking — she sued No. One babydaddy Levi Johnston for $1750 per month in child support, and then seven months later got engaged to him for a second time, and then broke up with him again three weeks later, just as she was set to earn up to $350,000 for Dancing With The Stars. And then last year she sued him for child support again, claiming a zero income for 2013 and 2014, even though in June 2013 she told ABC she worked at a dermatologist’s office, look, she said it RIGHT HERE. That was before going on to call her sister Willow — who had MOVED IN WITH HER (AGAIN) TO HELP WITH HER (BRISTOL’S) SON — “not much of a help.” Which is exactly the same thing Bristol said in the second link in this very post, because Willow did not finish roasting the chicken for Bristol’s date with Gino after Bristol told her THREE TIMES to leave and then bitched that she left.

We can’t find whether Johnston and Palin ever lived together, and if we don’t stop looking now, something seriously bad is going to happen to our brains, and we are sorry, this post has to stop now, this kitchen floor isn’t going to lie on itself.

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