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We do not think the mermaids sing to him

Just in case you’ve been wondering how professional victim and convicted felon Dinesh D’Souza is handling the horrors of being a Political Prisoner in Obama’s America, Vanity Fair has released an exciting video to pimp their big profile of D’Souza in their May issue. It’s pretty rad, also quite possibly gnarly, and it may indeed be the most fetch thing you’ll see all day!

See Dinesh walk the mean streets of L.A. correction: San Diego with nothing but a latte and a camera crew for protection! Watch Dinesh shave! Observe as he ties his shoes! See him flash gang signs while dressed up as a fashion magazine’s version of a cholo!

He's so "street"!

Looks kind of “ghetto” to us!

And what juicy dialogue!

The conservative accepts that the world is a dangerous place. I’d rather pull the bandwagon than sit in the bandwagon, and I think that’s probably what distinguishes me from a lot of other people.

It sure sounds like he said those two completely disparate thoughts together, but maybe that’s just really seamless sound editing.

Helpful subtitles between scenes of Dinesh walking and dressing and Doing Things provide us with random factoids like this:

D’Souza has previously blamed the attacks of September 11 on the ills of the American left, including, in his view, homosexuality, The Vagina Monologues, and Divorce.

Dinesh tells us that his “political work” is “an act of gratitude” and a “defense of the American dream”; he also informs us that he is quite the witty fellow, describing his “sense of humor as sardonic, inclined to self-deprecation and ridicule…” He left out “obvious,” “sophomoric,” and “not especially funny,” but he sure does crack himself up a lot.

Does he touch on his certainty that his legal troubles are all a matter of political retribution by the Obama administration, which somehow forced him to plead guilty to campaign finance charges? You bet he does! Complete with resonant pop culture references!

Considering that I’m spending my nights in a confinement center, you can say that I’ve had the experience of “The Empire Strikes Back,” and so when you throw a harpoon, you’ve got to recognize that there’s going to be some return fire. The really big criminals are at large. In fact, the really big criminals are running things.

Oh, mastered the Force has he? Who are you calling scruffy-looking? We’d just as soon kiss a Wookiee. And we thought wingnuts smelled bad on the outside! We’ve got a baaad feeling about this. Apology accepted, Captain D’Souza. I am altering the deal. Pray I don’t alter it any further.

And what has he learned from all his sufferings at the hands of the Sith Lord Obama?

Ironically, putting me into confinement has given me a chance to clear my head, to think, and to greatly expand my horizons once I get out.

Got it. If we strike him down, he will become more powerful than we can possibly imagine. Isn’t that nice for him?

[Vanity Fair]

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  • Nounverb911

    Does the video end with the D’Souzaphone being washed away by a Tsunami?

    • memzilla

      You’re not allowed to wish that he had d’drowned in the comments we’re not allowed to make.

    • Me not sure

      Surf’s up!

  • memzilla

    Never have I wished more that sharks had evolved to have legs and lungs… and, err… votes.

  • Wild Cat

    Make fun of this martyr all you want, but at the end of the day this freedom fighter against the mighty Obama Death Cult has to sniff his own lonely farts.

    • Mehmeisterjr

      With votes.

  • Me not sure

    I’m reasonably sure that he views his only appropriate punishment as crucifixion.

    • Blank Ron

      I’m sure he could be accommodated.
      … okay, with nails of votes…

      • Me not sure

        Maybe next year on a Mardi Gras float… with beads and votes!

  • Tallmutha

    …when you throw a harpoon, you’ve got to recognize that there’s going to be some return fire.

    Block that metaphor!

  • AntiDerpomeme

    Would rather see a picture of Trix’s purple hemorrhoids than even watch one moment of this douchecanoe’s pathetic video.

    • Wild Cat

      He’s like to see Trix’s ‘roids, too. Probably try to convert them to Catholicism or somethin’.

    • Steverino247

      Nah, the zoom would be too tight and you wouldn’t be able to see the, uh, uh, “nearby tissues.”

  • RoyalUglyDude

    The really big criminals are at large.
    To be fair, every other criminal is big compared to Dinesh.

  • AnOuthouse

    Prisons should supply better reading material than self help books by charlatans. Poor D’Souzaphone.

  • Villago Delenda Est

    The really big criminals are at large. In fact, the really big criminals are running things.

    Everything but the White House, which is D’dipshit’s major problem.

  • OneYieldRegular

    The “empire” of every organization that has had the shortsightedness to hire d’Souza has apparently struck back, too, and repeatedly.

  • AnOuthouse

    Bless his desiccated little heart.

  • Mehmeisterjr

    Two articles in a row about hemorrhoids?

  • ManchuCandidate

    Strong he is in the ways of the crybaby.

  • SadDemInTex

    Please make this butt-hurt stop! (I’m asking for Trix as well…she is suffering enough already).

  • jesuswasablack

    Poor little brown turd Dinesh, another day has passed and he’s still not white, the horror!

    • Nounverb911

      Maybe he should use Piyush Jindal’s Portraitist.

      • BackDoorMan

        I understand he tried to get the woman who did this… but she wasn’t interested in working on something she couldn’t make look worse than it already does.

      • JCF

        *ouch*

  • WiscoJoe

    “D’Souza has previously blamed the attacks of September 11 on the ills of the American left, including, in his view, homosexuality, The Vagina Monologues, and Divorce.”

    Ah, I’m old enough to remember when Bill Maher got kicked off of ABC because D’Souza referred to the 9/11 terrorists as “warriors.” Simpler times…

    I’m also old enough to remember when George Lucas released some Star Wars films during the Bush Admin that made a pretty explicit link between the rise of the Dark Side and the Republican War on Terror “with us or against us” fear-mongering.

    Then again, I haven’t spent the last six-months clearing my head in minimum-security prison, so maybe I’m just not smart enough to get it.

    • freakishlystrong

      Also. Divorced. D’douchbag is d’ivorced.

      • Gleem-McShinez

        D’vorced! Due to a D’alliance with D’Not-his-wife though!

        Mind your harpoon, Dinesh.

    • Tallmutha

      Yeah, everytime someone gets divorced they’re aiding the terrorists, right Dinesh?

    • Nothing shows off your patriotism and conservative credentials like sympathizing with al-Queda’s ideology and methods.

      • WiscoJoe

        I don’t think he was sympathizing with their ideology, as much as he was impressed by how far they were willing to go to ‘fight’ for their ideology. The discussion seemed to indicate that it took a lot of courage for the 9/11 hijackers to kill themselves (and thousands of innocent people) for their beliefs, while Americans were lazy/effeminate/weak, because we lack that same sort of suicidal/fanatical/fundamentalist/destructive bloodlust. IDK, authoritarians confuse me.

        Maher seemed to agree with him, leading to his show on ABC getting cancelled (after the Bush Administration warned people in the media that they need to be “careful what they say” in a post 9/11 world).

        I’m sure D’Souza could explain it all better than I can. He’s had plenty of time to think about these sort of things over the past several months. In conclusion, the Obama Administration is using totalitarian fascist tacticts to silence the media and destroy America, and also why can’t the Obama Administration be as strong the warriors that commit religious terrorism?

  • TundraGrifter

    Walking barefoot on the beach – is D’Minished running for Congress?

    • freakishlystrong

      Sure, why not. He’s no more awful than what’s in there now.

      • Villago Delenda Est

        Sad, but true.

    • PubOption

      I think he’s Goan to be unlucky.

    • Maybe he’s not feeling “fresh”.

  • Blueb4sunrise

    Nah.

  • freakishlystrong

    Conservatives are such dorks. He looks like a complete asshole trying to be “street”.

    • Blank Ron

      Conservatives are always ‘street.’ Okay, always ‘Wall Street.’ Same diff, right?

  • Mehmeisterjr

    “The really big criminals are at large. In fact, the really big criminals are running things.”

    So he is implying that he is just a penny-ante crook?

    • Me not sure

      Rupee-ante I think is more correct.

    • bikerlaureate

      Certainly he’s admitting to being a criminal – just not a really big one.

  • Callyson

    See Dinesh walk the mean streets of L.A.

    Oh Christ, this asshole lives in my city?

    Just when the City of Angels was making some real progress on cleaning up the pollution. Shit…

    • No, we’re relatively safe, he’s in San Diego.

      D’Souza is now serving time in a nighttime confinement center in San Diego for campaign-finance fraud.

      • david green

        So that means he is having to be home at night, and during the day can wander the beaches and other enticements of San Diego. Meanwhile, I assume the Feds are picking up the cost of his meals and laundry and such. So, someone tell me again how you can get caught violating these laws. Asking for a friend…

  • schmannity

    If FEMA camps come with their own Pacific coast beach and lattes, sign me up.

  • TundraGrifter

    “When you throw a harpoon there’s going to be some return fire.”

    You read all the time about seamen being harpooned by whales.

    • Steverino247

      Maybe he meant to say “launch” a Harpoon (RGM-84).

      Maybe he’s just full of shit.

    • Dudleydidwrong

      “Christ! Here comes Moby–and the bastard is armed!” Melville’s editor cut that part, I guess.

  • Callyson

    I’d rather pull the bandwagon than sit in the bandwagon, and I think that’s what distinguishes me from a lot of people

    Is that supposed to mean anything?

    http://i.kinja-img.com/gawker-media/image/upload/s–Fp8ub8ds–/caiohkftj6jdsel79xcu.gif

    • Wild Cat

      It hardtimer talk for ‘pulling the pud.’

    • Dudleydidwrong

      I’d rather he fell off of the bandwagon and got run over, but only if the votes were round and heavy.

    • PubOption

      Dinesh, you’re a Republican. You don’t volunteer to do the work, you benefit from others doing the work.

    • Jay B.

      I’d rather be the bandwagon and have people sit on me and pull me. That’s what makes me distinguished.

    • Blank Ron

      Cut him some slack. He’s new to this ‘word salad’ thing.

    • SterWonk

      Out of morbid curiosity, which episode is that from?

      • Callyson

        You got me…I got this gif from a Google search, so I can’t help you locate it from the show. Sorry honey…

        • SterWonk

          Alas! Judging by SMG’s appearance, it has to be fairly early on, probably seasons 1 or 2, but I can’t place it.

      • JCF

        I think it’s “Becoming” Pt2 (the S2 finale), in a flashback scene. Nice-Guy Demon shows Buffy to Angel (at distance, in shadows), just as she’s getting called as Slayer in LA (i.e. BEFORE she moved to Sunnydale, when the show started). Her pre-Giles Watcher has just told her “You’re the Slayer! You will kill the vampires!”, and that’s her reaction: “Huh?!”

        • SterWonk

          YES! I thought it must have been a flashback, but I’d forgotten where it came from! (Actually, I checked, and it’s from Pt1. But close enough. Thanks!)

  • chicken thief

    “I’d rather pull the bandwagon….”

    Fucking furrurs!!! Always butchering our metaphors. If I told him once, I told him 1,000 times: you mean “train”, not “bandwagon”.

  • TundraGrifter

    This idiot doesn’t explain just how breathtakingly difficult it is to violate political campaign contribution laws in the US of A in 2015. I mean, you really have to work at it. He could have contributed to a PAC. Heck, he could have started a PAC. But he elected (heh, heh) to simply use straw donors.

    Rather like having a extra-martial affairs while the President of a “Christian” college. He said he didn’t know he shouldn’t become engaged to someone while married to someone else.

    What a maroon!

  • unclemike

    Does he mention his adultery? Please say someone mentions his adultery.

    • Nounverb911

      You just did.

    • JustPixelz

      You mean the adultery where he broke his marriage vows and fucked a woman who is not his wife?

      • Villago Delenda Est

        And took her to some official function of his fundigelical kollege?

      • MrBlobfish

        Are you saying there is another kind of adultery? Do tell!

        • There’s the down-home kind that happens along the Appalachian Trail.

        • JustPixelz

          When a Repubican does it, they call it “disappointing my family”.

    • MegPasadena

      No, that would be admitting that he caused 9-11.

    • OrdinaryJoe

      Q: How do you say Bill Clinton in Indian?

      A: Dinesh D’Souza

  • TundraGrifter

    If he’d been sent to a real prison he would have been greatly expanded south of the border.

    The Amazon “reviews” of books and movies would be hilarious if they weren’t just so sad.

  • FauxAntocles

    The conservative accepts that the world is a dangerous place thinks everybody and their grandmother is out to get them.
    FIFH

  • Callyson

    I would describe…my sense of humor as, um, sardonic, inclined to self-deprecation and ridicule

    Yo, Dinesh? We’re laughing at you, not with you…

    http://i.kinja-img.com/gawker-media/image/upload/s–Bt57-Ouz–/c_fit,fl_progressive,q_80,w_320/yo0e2gm5wxbrocmu45bn.gif

  • JustPixelz

    “The really big criminals are at large. In fact, the really big criminals are running things.”

    The Koch brothers aren’t going to like being outed.

  • Callyson

    The really big criminals are at large. In fact, the really big criminals are running things.

    Yes, that’s an accurate summary of the W presidency. Glad we agree that Dick Cheney should be in a courtroom rather than a television studio babbling about Obama.

    Wait, what?

    http://i.kinja-img.com/gawker-media/image/upload/s–P16kG2ni–/c_fit,fl_progressive,q_80,w_320/m92uskls7dddk5o0jxzw.gif

  • chicken thief

    Any bets on how long cholo Dinesh would be able to keep that watch walking through Boyle Heights?

  • sillyclucker

    Han Cholo and the Millennium Felon.

  • MrBlobfish

    I see the smug little prick has been humbled by his incarceration.

  • Ergoetal

    It’s just so nice to keep hearing from ole Dinesh. I often think, gee, wonder what Dinesh D’Souza’s doing today. Or thinking about. He’s amazing. He always comes up with stuff. I’d say more, but — hey — look! the Kardashians are on now. Gotta run.

  • Squirrels05

    Dines his incapable of expanding anything but his already capacious ass.

  • Bitter Scribe

    Vanity Fair is profiling this little turd? I can only assume it’s going to be a rip job, and he’s too stupid to see it coming.

    • BillWestern

      Thats what I thought. Pity Vanity Fair.

      • Bitter Scribe

        Yeah, whatever they’re paying the writer who had to spend time with this shitball, it isn’t enough.

    • Mehmeisterjr

      His next martyrdom engine is roaring down the line. Being D’, he will never see it coming, before or after.

  • dslindc

    When I hear more about Felon Dinesh D’Souza:

  • TheBidenator

    Seriously Vanity Fair? You’re going to profile D’ouchebag?….Okay, but you better make it funny

    ..make it funny :shakes fist menacingly:

  • TheBidenator

    With quotes like these it’s nice to see D’ouchebag hasn’t let the heh, success of his ‘documentaries’ get to his flat little head. How can the dude somehow look even whiter than a white guy attempting to dress like he’s down and flashing stupid gang signs and where was MS-13 when we needed them?

  • Gleem-McShinez

    I’d rather “pull the bandwagon” than “sit in the bandwagon,” and I think that’s probably what distinguishes me from a lot of other people [in my cellblock.]

    • dlemex

      I think he meant paddy wagon… then it kind of makes sense.

      • Biel_ze_Bubba

        Not the padded wagon?

        • david green

          Maybe he meant train and just got his words mixed.

    • JAWs

      I’d rather “pull the bandwagon” than “sit in the bandwagon,”

      Ha! D’Loser just inadvertently admitted he’s an ass!

  • Gleem-McShinez

    The Butthurtsong of D. Alfred Douchesock

    • 3583818

      Win

  • diogenez
    • Amy!

      Did you get that from the Paul website? Where’s the “for Rand” part?

    • Sheesko

      Oh good. Kurt Vonnegut is back. Somebody get him some scotch.

  • m3bosha

    Is there a difference between “a conservative knowing the world is a dangerous place” and being scared of one’s own shadow?

    • Blank Ron

      The former is caused by the latter.

  • Jade Helm

    Jail time has become a rite of passage for the American Right.

    • 3583818

      Reminds me of that scene in “Goodfellas” when they tell him, “You broke your cherry!”

  • fawkedifiknow

    Mein Kamph For the 3rd Grade Mind.

    • JCF

      That’s kind of redundant.

  • Guest

    Not being a vernacular Souzaphone I cannot comment on anything Dinesh might say, however rational, should that ever happen.

  • doktorzoom

    Alternate alt-txt: He’s on the beach, but he’s no Einstein.

  • 9.8m/ss

    It couldn’t happen to a nicer guy. In case anybody remembers back that far, D’Souza was the talent scout at American Enterprise “Institute” who discovered Rush Limbaugh and arranged for him to become a national media star. Limbaugh was calling baseball games for a Sacramento radio station. D’Souza invented Limbaugh’s concept of “Political Correctness,” and introduced it in a book called Illiberal Education.

    • Mehmeisterjr

      And thus Jeff Christie, former KQV mediocrity, became a star.

  • Virginia Dreaming

    Can you imagine all the crap flying around the right wing blogs if someone from the Obama administration had taken the same kinds of photographs?

  • harryeagar

    I am confused. Is this ad supposed to make me want to read Vanity Fair or to put it on the list of publications I won’t allow in my house, like The Fiery Cross and the Washington Times?

    • William_C_Diaz

      Vanity Fair still does journalism worth reading occasionally, something that neither of those other publications manage to do.

      Have a great day!

  • ksimms

    Haha! Even Jesus abandoned this d-bag

  • Ricky Gay

    This was an Onion piece right? Dok you almost got me. You twixter!

  • Eric Bacon

    Is this real life?

    • ahughes798

      Is this just fantasy…..

  • leemoder

    Dunno what’s worse…Reading about this dweeb; or going one door down and reading about Rebecca’s ass goblins.

    • JAWs

      Aren’t they one and the same?

  • Weldon Thomas

    Say, do you know who else greatly expanded their horizons once they got out of jail?

    • Anarchy Pony

      Hitler… It’s always Hitler.

      • OrdinaryJoe

        Or any number of proto-totalitarian criminals.

    • William_C_Diaz

      ISIL and that al Baghdadi fellow?

      Have a great day!

  • chino_k

    What a tedious little man.

    • Me not sure

      That picture makes me wonder, does he like pina coladas?

      • JCF

        “…and getting caught in the rain?”

        • Me not sure

          Or in the act of commiting a felony.

  • Cuberly

    D’Narcisisst, Padawanabe…..hence….

    http://www.blogforchoice.com/yodafail.gif

  • DahBoner

    Heeey.

    I have the same pair of Old Man Havanero linen pants as Dinesh. Except I wear an onion on my belt….

    http://media.giphy.com/media/z4p9343R1gGje/giphy.gif

  • JAWs

    Take a good look, Mindy Kaling’s brother. This is you in 20 years.

  • Cynthia McGarvie

    And ladies…he’s single! ;)

  • Sheesko

    Who is Dinesh D’Souza? No one wants to know. I know I don’t. I only asked to be polite.

  • hvdv

    Oh, the poor thing. He thinks he has a sense of humor.

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