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like that, except *blue*

If you are related to me by marriage, stop reading this immediately. If you are related to me by blood or not at all, pull up a pillow, we are going to be talking about my seven-months-pregnant, thrombosed-hemorrhoidal, still cute and perky as long as you’re not looking in the wrong place, ass. Where is the wrong place in which you might be looking, say if you were my husband and you were having doggy-style sex with me? TRICK QUESTION! You, my husband, who ARE NOT READING THIS, are not having sex with me, because of my ass. [Also, TRIGGER WARNING, FOR GROSSNESS.]


“Rebecca, how is your ass?” you have been ass-king (whee! dad jokes!) and the answer is “IT IS VERY BAD, THANK YOU!”

Let’s talk about what a baby does to your ass. First, a baby might make your ass bigger! This is good. It makes fat stores of food for you and the baby, plus Americans have recently found their inner love of butts, thank you Miss Kardashian. As my ass needed a bit of cushion, this is a fine development, and I have no complaints. Second, the baby, who at seven months weighs about as much as a chuck roast, is rolling back and forth on your intestines and is making it hard for you to poo, so then you get a hemorrhoid. Hemorrhoids are burny and itchy and no fun, and nobody likes a hemorrhoid. Like, there is NO HEMORRHOID FETISH anywhere in the world, that is how much no fun there are, and there are fetishes for killing mice with high-heeled shoes :(

But you tell someone you have a hemorrhoid — and why not tell them? Why are our pregnant bodies so off-limits to people knowing what is up with them? And why do you (not I) hide your periods too, while we’re at it? Why not, when people ask how you are today, say “I am menstruating, thank you!” That’s what I did, in the long ago days when I menstruated. Because feminism.

Where were we? You tell someone you have a hemorrhoid, and they are like, mmmm, sucks, try witch hazel, and then you have to sexplain, NO, this is a THROMBOSED hemorrhoid, not a regular hemorrhoid, and IT HAS TURNED PURPLE and I had to GO TO THE ER to get it sliced open with a No. 11 scalpel, and then the ER doctor SQUOZE IT LIKE A ZIT to get the bad blood clot out my butt (oh, wait, it is ALREADY out my butt, it is on the outside of my butt and looks like … a snail? Sure, a snail), and the whole time at the ER you are laughing and being charming (or I am anyway) because the one thing you want is the ER staff’s approval, because you are not like those other idiots who show up at the ER all like, “hey doc, can you look at this thing on my butt?” and you are very brave and also self-effacing (is it okay I showed up at the ER to have you look at my butt?) and you tell them you are already on Vicodin because you had Vicodin left over from your wisdom teeth a year ago, which proves you are not a drug seeker or you would not have any Vicodin left over from your wisdom teeth a year ago, and the ER staff there-there’s you and agrees you are not a drug seeker. Or maybe you are. Anyway, they agreed I wasn’t, and they gave me more Vicodin and something to help me poo. After taking the scalpel and the squeezing to the thing on my butt. OH! and the Lidocaine injection before the scalpeling and squeezing, which HOO FUCKING BOY DOES THAT BURN LIKE FUCK!

Also, they say the pregnant ladies report to them that the thrombosed hemorrhoids hurt worse than labor, and they poor-you you, and you go home, and take your Vicodin, and you lie around and whine to your PRINCE of a husband and he is SO NICE TO YOU and then a day or two later, you are fine, and the hemorrhoid is still there, on the outside of your butt looking sluggy, but it no longer hurts, and you take what you can get, as long as it is not doggy-style, because your husband doesn’t need to see that!

It is not appealing.

And then you spend the next three weeks playing with the baby in your babymaker, she is very playful! She rolls around and does tricks, like Flipper! She punches you all over the place, like, if you had nads, she would be punching you in them! It is fun! And then one day, you take your Sunday drive to Helena, Montana (shut up, it is a thing to do), and by the end of the long drive, your butt hurts, but you have just been sitting on it too long, until the next day when you pull out your trusty hand mirror and see a SECOND THROMBOSED HEMORRHOID has popped out on the other side of your anus from the first thrombosed hemorrhoid (which at any rate is no longer thrombosed), and they are twinsies, and your anus looks like Angelina Jolie’s mouth.

So you go BACK TO THE FUCKING ER, and this time your ob-gyn is already there doing something else, so he is the one who cuts open your ass and squeezes your blood clot, but he does not give you any more Vicodin, which is fine because you don’t ask for any because you had some left over from last time you got your ass scalpeled (BECAUSE YOU ARE NOT A DRUG SEEKER) until two days later when YOU DON’T have any left over anymore and you call his office to Oliver Twist-style beg for some more drugs, but the nurses don’t call you back till closing time and then they’re like “oooohhhhhhh, yeah, well we will call you in the morning and tell you whether you can have drugs, in the meantime have you tried Ibuprofen?” and you are PRETTY FUCKING MAD AT THOSE NURSES, and your husband might be kind of over all of it, including the whining and the beached whaleness and the marrying of you — who can know? if he says he isn’t he is probably lying! — and now it is 9:45 the next day and who has not called back? The nurses have not called back! And that’s when you send your husband out to the mean streets of Missoula, Montana, to find you some crack.

And that is what happens to your butt on pregnancy, it is nature’s miracle funtimes, pregnancy is awesome, boy this is great, fuck you all, the end.

What You Can Do About Your Thrombosed Hemorrhoids

  • Take a bath.
  • Take another bath.
  • Sit on some ice.
  • Stay very very still and do not move ever.
  • Do you happen to have some Lidocaine solution around from when your husband had stomatitis? Wipe some on your ass with a cotton ball. It won’t really help, but it is something to do.
  • Take another bath.
  • Tuck’s medicated pads? Sure why not.
  • Eat drugs.
  • Send money, for drugs.
$
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  • Jus_Wonderin

    (is it okay I showed up at the ER to have you look at my butt?)

    THIS IS RAISING MY HEALTHCARE COSTS!1!!11!!!!

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      It’s usually that, or an office appointment in 3 weeks.
      The system here still needs some tweaking.

      • Jus_Wonderin

        Very true. They’d probs be healed up in 3 weeks. Reminds me to schedule my yearly.

      • Villago Delenda Est

        The tweak is to totally destroy the AMA’s doctor rationing system.

  • I’m so glad there is an Aunt Sassy reference in there because otherwise this whole thing just BLEEEAAAARRGGGGH. Because gross.

  • Nounverb911

    Butt did you cry like this guy?
    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bX1rLv_hNeI

    Hope you feel better.

    • Villago Delenda Est

      How I wish he would have stayed there. With the dead, that is.

  • HobbesEvilTwin

    Just be thankful that the Kock Brothers’ creepy Dr. Uncle Sam wasn’t the one looking at your butt or squoozing anything.

  • Tallmutha

    Sounds like piles of fun a real pain in the ass.

    • Nounverb911

      Do you know who (or what) else is a real pain in the ass?

      • Villago Delenda Est

        Rush Limbaugh’s excuse for not putting his worthless ass on the line for his country?

      • eggsacklywright

        ‘Roid Rage?

      • mrpuma2u

        Interviewing Rand Paul?

        • chicken thief

          Reporters?

          ~ Rand Paul

  • Villago Delenda Est

    Rebecca, you know we all love you very, very, much, but the TMI threshold has been shattered by this post.

    But, you’re the Editrix, so whatever you say, goes.

    • Anarchy Pony

      As does my breakfast.

    • Anarchy Pony

      Classy. He seems ready.

    • Villago Delenda Est

      He thinks he won that new car!

      • Left Coast Tom

        Wait until he finds out it’s a refurbished Yugo.

        • kindness

          No. It is a Yugo but it isn’t refurbished.

      • Biff52

        And why not? It worked for Terry Jones!

    • FauxAntocles

      Rethuglican SOP.

    • chicken thief

      This whole ‘run for Preznit’ thing probably isn’t going exactly as Randy planned so far.

    • Dudleydidwrong

      Absolute truthy statistic: 40% of Republican males have hemorrhoids. 60% are perfect assholes. I would bet that Randy Rand doesn’t have hemorrhoids but I ain’t at all interested in checking, and I’d bet that he’d refrain from answering that question at a presser.

    • Mehmeisterjr

      I am thunderstruck, flabbergasted and gobsmacked by this utterly unforeseeable development. In another shocking event, the sun came up in the East this morning.

  • FauxAntocles

    Have you tried lying at a steep angle with your head low and your feet high so the baby is sitting on your stomach instead of your intestines? (Oops, man trying to solve problem)
    :(

    • Blank Ron

      Men have four jobs during pregnancy.
      1) cause said pregnancy
      2) offer useless but well-meant advice
      3) do what SHE tells you to do because she actually knows what needs to be done
      4) let her cripple you for life with her bare hands, during transition and delivery

  • Fitzgerald Chesterfield

    Eat more lentils!

  • Mehmeisterjr

    “Like, there is NO HEMORRHOID FETISH anywhere in the world, that is how much no fun there are, and there are fetishes for killing mice with high-heeled shoes :(”

    Sorry to bust your bubble but a quick Google search of “hemorrhoid fetish” produced tons of stomach-churning results, such as this one:

    http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=Jarmel+Berries

    I am slightly surprised that this fetish did not originate in German porn.

    • Villago Delenda Est

      Rule 34. It’s everywhere you are, whether you want it there or not.

      • Anarchy Pony

        Rule 35, if it ain’t yet, it will be in the future.

    • Tallmutha
    • Me not sure

      Ach, du lieber!

    • AntiDerpomeme

      I gave you all the upfists for your bravery in carrying out that disgusting research. Not gonna click the linky, though…

      • Mehmeisterjr

        I can’t say I blame you. The whole things sounds just a tick less disgusting than a Rand Paul press conference.

    • chicken thief

      Or Japanese. The Japanese have some really weird shit in their porn.

      Or so I’ve heard….

      • Mehmeisterjr

        I decline to Google search “Japanese hemorrhoid fetish videos.” I’ve done the spade work. Let others take up the cause.

  • Tallmutha

    Hemorrhoids just don’t sit well with me.

  • Me not sure

    I have Humorrhoids, they only hurt when I laugh. Anyhooo, lots of luck with that.

  • Fitzgerald Chesterfield

    You know how a couple with hemorrhoids spends their evenings?

    Some nights they apply each other’s Preparation H; others they just lie around and watch the tube!

    • FauxAntocles

      * groan *

      • Fitzgerald Chesterfield

        Yeah, that too. But it’s all that straining and groaning that got them into this in the first place.

  • SterWonk

    Way to bury the lede – the impending Trixel is a girl! Mazel tov!

    • memzilla

      It’s a little Emma Goldman!

    • Mehmeisterjr

      Don’t you mean “Molotov?”

  • SadDemInTex

    I have an alternate recommendation…and yes you are allowed to laugh your ass off…but get a Squatty Potty. You can buy it on Amazon. I am a very satisfied customer and when my friend was pregnant I lent her my extra one and she and her husband found it worked very well for both of them (they bought their own). Ok, everyone can laugh….but I spend very little time in the bathroom these days.

  • toughsister

    Why are Americans such exhibitionists? Would a French, German, Spanish, Argentinian or Indian pregnant lady make her hemorrhoids the subject of an on-line article?

    • FauxAntocles

      You were warned.
      And exhibitionism? This is the internet, fer cryin out loud!

      • toughsister

        True indeed. How can I get an article about my foreskin on Wonkette?

        • Blank Ron

          Get it to run for President.

    • kindness

      Exhibitionist? I missed the pics?

      • toughsister

        No pics. Just a nauseatingly long article.

    • Pseudonym

      Why stop there? Would a Maldivian, Maltese, or Ni-Vanuatu pregnant lady write about hemorrhoids on the on-line either?

    • Captain Kraut

      Well, pregnancy doesn’t really come into it, but you might consider german author Charlotte Roche’s international bestseller Wetlands (Feuchtgebiete in german), probably the funniest (and most disgusting) book ever written on the topic of hemorrhoids.
      Does that answer your question?

  • AntiDerpomeme

    Still unclear on some of the finer concepts of reproduction, but this seems like a good time to ask: do babbys come out of ass?

    • Tallmutha

      Vito Barbieri, is that you?

    • Dudleydidwrong

      Cloacal libelz!!!111!!!

    • Msgr_Moment

      Better that than the chest cavity. Wait, that was not a documentary?

  • weejee

    Trix, to put your hemorrhoid in perspective instead of Helena, maybe next time you and Shy and Trixel drive to Havre. You might have to blindfold Shy, as he’s been to Havre, and likely would be hesitant to return. That said, Havre with its many assholes would provide butt perspective.

  • freakishlystrong

    Poor baby! And babbie! And only 2 months to go! 2 loooooooooooong ass motherfucking pregnant, “Get this thing outta me!” months. With ‘roids. Thank Dog you have a sense of humor!

    • kindness

      I don’t know about that. She seemed very clear that the ass motherfucking was out of the question.

  • glasspusher

    Editrix! I salute you and your ‘roids! My mom had the same problem.

  • memzilla

    Hey, it’s Idaho — isn’t there a Second Amendment solution to this?

  • Guest

    This gives new meaning to the term “roid rage.”

    • glasspusher

      I was -><- this close to posting that

    • eggsacklywright

      Great minds and all.

  • Blueb4sunrise

    A recent Quinnipiac poll has Editrix Hemorrhoids leading the field of possible GOP opponents by double digits.

    • goonemeritus

      Only because of their more nuanced grasp of foreign policy.

  • memzilla

    Put a ring on it.

    • Blank Ron

      Yup. Worked a treat for my ex.

  • mrpuma2u

    Sorry editrix and also ewwwwww.

  • Charismatic_dairy_goats

    So sorry Trix! I’m just starting 2nd trimester, the pooping issues are LAME. Also had a surprise return of morning sickness yesterday after 2 weeks vomit free! Woohoo!

    This is starting to sound like BabyCenter (aka “the Stanford Prison Experiment with nipples”) so to sum up: I hope your baby girl remains safe & healthy in her house, and that your discomforts are soon at an end.

  • say wha

    Kid’s not even out of the chute yet and already a pain in yer ass. Stay frosty, my friend.

  • borninatrailer

    “Like, there is NO HEMORRHOID FETISH anywhere in the world, that is how much no fun there are, and there are fetishes for killing mice with high-heeled shoes :(”

    That is such a good combination of 1) never thought about that 2) hilarious 3) horrifying and 4) completely true.

    EDIT: Sadly, I see I too was mistaken about the completely true part wrt no fetish. I think I’m going to just wipe out this knowledge and carry on as if I still knew this to be true.

    • Mehmeisterjr

      I, too, would like to wipe this knowledge from my mind and curse the day (today, actually) that I discovered the awful truth.

    • Objectifer

      I refer you to Internet Rule 34, if it exists, there is porn for it. I ain’t goin’ a searching though.

  • Villago Delenda Est

    It just occurred to me…this is a classic Friday news dump.

  • MrBlifil

    This is why a woman should never be President.

    • chicken thief

      The authors of the 14th Amendment surely discussed this exact situation during the debate over ‘intent’.

    • calliecallie

      Unless she’s menopausal. :-)

  • chicken thief

    Advertising that you have left over Vicodine? You just begging to wake up in the middle of the night to find a red faced Rush stuck half in, half out of your window?

  • Olav_Pompatus

    Worst. Erotica. Ever.

  • RevZafod

    Damn Disqus! I’m still looking for a thingy to click to mark Trix’s whole post “Flag as inappropriate”.

  • lucidamente

    Is this is just a clever way to get me to stop thinking about Editrix’s boobies?

    • glasspusher

      Hah! Good luck with that!

      • Msgr_Moment

        I’ll be in my bunk.

  • CalvinianChoice

    You absolutely should not be taking ibuprofen in the third trimester. Seriously. It is associated with premature closure of the ductus arteriosis.

    • Pseudonym

      Are any NSAIDs safe?

      • Zyxomma

        No. Aspirin (or willow-bark tea, if you prefer old school) prevents blood clotting, so the next one, if there is a next one, won’t thrombose.

      • CalvinianChoice

        Safety is relative, but I would avoid all NSAID’s in the third trimester.

  • Don’t think of them as hemorrhoids – think of them as pop-up ads on your anus.

    When I was a kid, my dad had super-sized thrombosed ‘rhoids that also required surgical removal, on his birthday. To cheer him up, my mom hired a dude in a gorilla suit to do a sexy-funny belly dance in his hospital room. My dad got so excited by the whole thing that he finally had to poop – he hustled to the bathroom, promptly passed out, and fell face first on the floor, ripping the sink out of the wall on the way down. He broke his nose, needed a bunch of stitches on his forehead, and was hospitalized for two more days. The End.

    (Get butt-better soon, Becca!)

    • glasspusher

      Wow, if that story doesn’t cheer her up, what will?

      • She should be expecting a knock on the door any minute now…

    • Mehmeisterjr

      It’s a Farrelly Brothers movie come to life!

    • calliecallie

      That was even more hilarious than Rebecca’s story.

      • Rebecca’s story was hysterical!

        • Pseudonym

          I’m no expert on women’s anatomy but I think hemorrhoids go on the opposite end from the uterus.

          • I stand colorected.

            (Thank you for getting my tainted comment!)

          • ahughes798

            At least you aren’t shart-tempered about it.

    • JoeChristmas

      Hey, don’t pile on.

      • Butt out, asshole!

        You’d appreciate the denouement to the story:

        After it took four men more then ten minutes to gain access to the bathroom because an unconscious 225 lb man and a 50 lb sink were blocking the entrance, it finally occurred to hospital administrators that maybe having the doors open inward was not just a design misstep, but also inevitable lawsuit fodder. The bathroom doors in all of the patients’ rooms throughout the hospital were re-hung within a month.

        Just think of how many innocent lives those purple polyps of pain may have inadvertently saved that day…

        HOORAY FOR HEMORRHOIDS!

    • Tallmutha

      That’s what your mom did for someone she loved. What did she do to people she didn’t even like?

  • jeff fearnow

    This article and the comments below have expanded my view of the world.

    i CAN NOW SEE FOREVER.

    Also, I will never think about Angelina Jolie’s lips the same way again.

  • Tio_Doidinho

    Yep. Still gay.

  • Ergoetal

    Hey Rebecca,
    Thanks very much for that! As a guy, I truly need to be enlightened on women’s health issues, and that story was a major step forward. I applaud you for being so brave and unflinching.

    Now, I actually only skimmed it, but just the same. One question: did it hurt when Angelina Jolie was kissing your ass? Or was it fun? I couldn’t quite tell.

  • Marceline

    Before I tell you this, I’m just going to remind you that you started this conversation Ms. Schoenkopf. Not me. YOU.

    Afrin. (Yes, the nasal spray.) Spray it up your ass and it shuts the swelling down. The same thing that takes down the swelling in your nasal membranes works on your poop chute. I recommend the extra moisturizing, no-drip formula. Do NOT use the sinus variety because it has menthol. You DO NOT want menthol up your butt. Trust. (Or maybe you do. I don’t judge.)

    And with this posting ends any chance I ever had of running for office.

    • VirginiaLady

      Oh boy, now I look like I’m trying to harm the nice edetrix lady. Going to go off the planet for a while….

    • Fitzgerald Chesterfield

      I think you underestimate the power of the nasal spray up your ass voting bloc.

    • Gleem-McShinez

      And with this posting ends any chance I ever had of running for office.

      Yeah, I guess you can’t run on a “minimize assholes” platform anymore.
      You can’t afford to alienate the Red State voters.

  • VirginiaLady

    This is the third time I’m rewriting this. I can’t phrase it so that it doesn’t sound like an evil sick joke. Google Vick’s Vapor rub for roids.
    When I had them I was going nuts and got so desperate I went to the great Google and did what it said. It worked. Ask your DR. first, and FOR GOD’S SAKE DON’T PUT IT ANYWHERE EXCEPT THE ROID!! 1!
    Good luck, and please don’t send anyone over here to kill me.

  • That Vicodin will stop up yer bowels. So, maybe ibuprofen is the better choice? EDIT: Oh shit, that’s right you’re a pregnant lady person. Maybe lots of stool softeners along with the opiates? Stay hydrated…

    • PubOption

      Could be one use for Olestra.

  • JohnE_o

    That settles it – I am definitely never going to get pregnant…

  • Gleem-McShinez

    your anus looks like Angelina Jolie’s mouth

    JESUS TIME TO SELL THE BUNK

  • calliecallie

    Poor Rebecca! I am so sorry about your ass. But that was hilariously funny.

  • calliecallie

    This prolly won’t help the ‘rhoids, but for the next two months you want to go swimming – okay, floating – as often as possible. When I was in the last month of my pregnancy – and then two weeks more! – we had a hot tub which we set to body temperature and I was in that thing every day. Floating took off all the pressure of that babbie pressing down on me. (He was over 10 pounds when he was born, btw. Top that.)

    • AntiDerpomeme

      Ooh, Trixel babby pool time (both the water and gambling type)

    • Blank Ron

      That, BTW, is actually recommended by for-real OB/GYNs and midwives. Helps reduce cramping and ease Braxton-Hicks contractions too.

    • Pseudonym

      My dad was over ten pounds and I think my aunt was over eleven, and my grandmother is not a large woman.

  • HarryButtle

    Pics or…no, nevermind.

  • JoeChristmas

    Damn Obamacare!!1!

  • a_pink_poodle

    Maybe some of us do have a hemorrhoid fetish, REBEKKKA WHO DOES NOT ACKNOWLEDGE OTHERS PEOPLES NORMAL FETISHES.

    I’m just saying for a friend.

  • ladyblug

    Had the exact same experience except I am allergic to vico Dan. That fucking suckered!

  • Paperless Tiger

    You can have a glass of wine, but only one.

  • finette
  • BeckyLB

    Here’s sending best wishes and prayers for a quick recovery, Rebecca!

    Coming from a medical professional who works in an ER and deals with DSBs on a daily basis….if you’re hurting, ask for pain relief. Please, please do. There are few things worse than knowing one of your patients is going through horrendous pain and trying to “tough it out” in fear of being called a druggie.

    Trust me, we can tell the DSBs from the legit people. Just ask. We don’t mind if you’re actually hurting…and a thrombosed hemorrhoid hurts.

    Ohh, and DSBs=Drug Seeking Behaviour. Almost forgot.

  • darnyoudarnyoutoheck

    A: sympathy
    B: if you do not have a hand held shower nozzle get one!! nothing like aiming warm water at poor ‘lil abused anal region while soaking in the tub.
    C: freeze water soaked mini pads to use for ice packs. ( also useful post partum)

  • gullywompr

    Wait… You can see it with a hand mirror? BRB.

  • Msgr_Moment

    No leftover vicodin, but I got plenty of cheap inexpensive beer. Should I mail it to you?

  • Antimassacree

    A pic of your “twins” would be the perfect campaign poster for a Cruz-Paul ticket.

  • Mavenmaven

    Or warm sitzbaths. This is something we do in the hospital for transplant patients with similar pain. Good luck!!!

    • H0mer0

      I tried the sitz bath after my pregnancy and episiotomy and it was still torture, being that everything still kind of hangs there and hurts. Hurts just thinking about it.

  • teddy21

    Those ass holes have gotten so damn stingy with the hydrocodone. I used to get 30 cuz I sneezed and threw out my back. Of course that was before the big Rehab thang. Now all I can do is the Alieve. Life was fun when my body was young.

    • H0mer0

      thatz cuz the DEA wanted to reduce the number of hydrocodone prescriptions on the street and so made it a schedule II for which you need a written prescription and that might have reduced the number of prescriptions diverted to recreational use, but makes our job harder.

  • Rebecca, I always picture you as that lady in the catsuit.

  • shastakoala

    Hang in there Rebecca, or out there as it were. Best wishes.

  • Blank Ron

    It’ll be worth it, Boss. That’s what the ex always says. Then again, she’s 63 and her mind may be going…

    • Vecciojohn

      Hey, I’m 63 and I’m just as sharp as

  • Pat_Pending

    I am so glad I have passed menopause without pausing to have one of those things. Baby, ‘rhoids, aotk.

  • RevZafod

    Full disclosure: I used to do a LOT of reading on the can, and
    suffered the indignities of ‘roid-stuffing from about age 15 thru 38,
    when I had them operated on, so been there, had that, don’t want the
    t-shirt.

    Probably my easiest dump ever was in Cozumel on a shore dive, where
    the urge hit me mid-dive, and I’d have had to climb a ladder to get back
    on the surface in full scuba gear, and then walk to my hotel room
    across the street.

    Fortunately, I was a highly-trained PADI Instructor, so I knew just
    what to do. I went to a place on the sandy bottom nearby about 30 feet
    down where no-one was around, dumped all the air from my BC, removed my
    BC and weight belt holding onto the belt. Then I unzipped my wetsuit,
    peeled it down to my knees, faced INTO the current [IMPORTANT!], squatted, and let fly.

    That was probably the best, easiest, most comfortable shit I’ve ever
    taken in my 74 years. Also, as a political message at the time, the
    current went toward Cuba.

    So, Becca, if they persist for long after the delivery of Trixel, don’t wait too long for surgical relief.

    • RevZafod

      Entirely full discosure about my prior relationship with Trix, since ShyPixel will never see this. I first met her at the Dallas dinky-thing in Dallas on 20 June 2013, and again in Austin two days later at East Side Pies. As I was leaving, she hugged me, but that was all, I swear, Shy. I took my frustrations out on the track the next day:
      https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4nqaWZIQ2E8

  • mtn_philosoph
    • Zyxomma

      Thanks. I went to that concert. I loved the Fillmore.

  • Annie Towne

    Poor, poor you, Becks. I did not have one of them thar things when I was pregnant, but I had many other terrible things, so I am not jealous! Also, I, too, always entertain the ER staff like crazy, even when I might actually be dying of Lupus, so we totally would have fun together, even and especially if we WERE drug-seeking! Anyway, nothing hurts worse than labor, so don’t let them fool you on that one, but then you have a baby, so it’s (mostly) really worth it all. Love, Annie

    • ahughes798

      I have heard from female friends that nothing hurts worse than stepping on a Lego.

  • House0fTheBlueLights

    My children are the most wonderful amazing human beings on the planet, and have been from the time they were tiny, but I will basically never forgive them for pregnancy.

  • OrdinaryJoe

    Cue: “Jewish Mother” guilt trip speech to rebellious 16 year old daughter, number 2 – “If you only knew the pain I went through to give you life….”

  • Warpde

    As a member of the hemorrhoid club I have no snark.
    Just a deep understanding of you’re pain (in the ass) that we club members could never explain to the uninitiated.
    I’ve felt you’re pain and it fuck’n sucks.
    I’ve even resorted to tucking those little bastards back to bed.
    Just shows how far we will go.

  • crazymonkeylady

    NURSES like me love fun patients in the ER. All that stabbing and gunshot victims can be a bit tedious. We all love a good ass story like yours.

    • Frank Underboob

      I love nurses so much. They make the best GFs/lovers EVAR!

  • mfp

    evidently, no one has ever mentioned to editrix that the first, quickest, and most prevalent and long-lasting side effect of vicodin is constipation…so, you might take that under advisement before you pop too many of those, editrix…happy squatting!

    • david green

      I always ate a 1/2 dozen prunes with each tablet, and it seemed to work out OK.

  • glennisw

    Worse pain ever, for sure. Happened to me twice, finally had surgery.

  • jpopelish .

    Have you tried using gravity, instead of fighting it. It looks very silly, but pose for a while, with your but higher than the rest of your body. By the way, I had my wife lance mine, instead of going to the ER. Of course, I wasn’t pregnant, so your mileage may vary.

  • senigma

    It was the first time i ever uttered to the Sweetest Husband In The World, “You did this to e you fucking bastard!” He just laughed and made consoling sounds, but slept with one eye open ever after.

  • Yehudah ben Shlomo

    “Like, there is NO HEMORRHOID FETISH anywhere in the world”

    Rule 34 says you’re wrong.

  • Jack Dempsey

    I am wincing and laughing.
    Mostly wincing.

  • guppy06

    until the next day when you pull out your trusty hand mirror

    Oh, you totally used your smartphone. You probably even asked Siri how it looked.

  • So… no buttsechs then, I guess?

  • jimmyjazz101

    that was funny but gross. say goodbye to ever having sex with your husband!

  • Santana999

    Let me add this article to my list of things I was better off not knowing lol.

  • Tricia Haley

    Hi! there. I just want to share my experiences with hemorrhoids. After I gave birth with my third baby, I got external hemorrhoids. Weeks before I experienced constipation, itching around the anus or rectal area and painful bowel movement. Days passed, the pain was excruciating and I bled profusely from my anal canal. I am having a hard with this unbearable disease and it brings uncomfortable sensation. I consulted my doctor and she advised me to undergo surgery. I don’t like surgery so I did everything to heal my hemorrhoids. My husband browsed the internet and he found <a href=" Proctozone HC Cream as a treatment of hemorrhoids. In my wish to be healed I am taking this medication for treating my hemorrhoids. I’ve been maintaining this for almost 4 weeks. My friend also suggested me to use aloe vera gel for the faster healing. I’ve noticed an improvement and I feel that the pain was slowly gone.

  • Astrid, Princess of the Night

    Gee, and with my pregnancy, I only got twin babbies, not twin thrombosed hemmorhoids. I feel cheated.
    ( to be honest, my ‘roid was a singleton- not thrombosed, but still with me almst 15 years later. Maybe that counts for something?)

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