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Santorum now available with SPF 45 protection!

Hurray, Rick Santorum is dipping his toes into the frothy fecal waters of the 2016 Republican clown car! Rand Paul and Ted Cruz are already in there, just splash, splash, splashing around, but Rick Santorum is not 100 percent sure he’s DTF yet, so he’s created a “testing the waters” account, just to see if maybe he might want to lose another Republican primary:

The account allows Santorum, a Republican who ran for president in 2012, to raise and spend money under the same caps governing an actual campaign committee ($2,700 for individual donors, and $5,000 for couples.) Unlike a campaign committee, though, a testing the waters account does not have to disclose its finances.

“He just formed the testing the waters account this week,” Santorum adviser Matt Beynon told CBS News. “His timeframe for making a formal decision on a bid is still what it was – by late spring, he’ll make an announcement.”

The article goes on to say that Lindsey Graham is the only other one “testing the waters.” He’s on the other side of the pool from Santorum, having yet to decide whether or not he wants to get his hair wet.

Santorum, who is so much like Nelson Mandela that we can’t even tell them apart, is fun and unique among Republican presidential contenders, in that he’s even creepier and more disgusting than Ted Cruz when it comes to talking about sex and the gays and abortion and stuff. So, what kind of gross sex things is Santorum going to spend the next year and a half telling us?

Well, for one thing, President Santorum is not very happy with the way Americans use their erotic liberties! He’s for all the other kinds of liberty, of course, the ones that Catholic Jesus tells him are okay. He’s pretty sure that those kinds of freedoms are greater than the ones involving how people like to smoosh their junk together in the dark. Also, when it comes to butchers and bakers what hate the fags, he will completely make sure their cakes and meat pieces are only cockgobbled in a fully Christian heterosexual marriage way. Yes, finally the anti-gay wedding vendors will be persecuted no more!

But that’s just normal religious freedom stuff. We’re MOST excited for him to teach us how to fuck again, the hot Rick Santorum way. First of all? IT’S NOT SEX IF YOU’RE NOT BAREBACKING. Rick Santorum is not about to wear a dumb condom, they don’t feel that good, and they hurt baby Jesus’s feelings. God is trying to put a baby in you, and if He happens to put some AIDS in you too, well, that probably means you’re having sex in gay ways, which Rick Santorum says is gross and just like man-on-dog stuff.

Also, boys? Clean the kitchen once in a while. Because that is how Rick Santorum keeps his wife hotsky to trotsky for their weekly Saturday Morning Santorum Sex Hour. You don’t want Karen to get bored and start sexting with that hot abortion doctor she used to date, do you?

Speaking of abortion, Santorum was for it before he was against it, but unfortunately he “read the literature,” which turned him into the womb invading goon he now is. And even though he totally hates it now, he’s definitely sure that gay-bashing is more important than stopping the murders of tiny babies inside their mommies. ALL THE SAME THOUGH, abortion is always bad, even in cases of rape pregnancies, which Santorum views as, surprise!, Broken Rape Gifts From Heaven. Want to prevent possibilities like that with slut pills of some sort? NOPE. Santorum doesn’t want you doing that either. Just lie back, kick your legs in the air and let Rick Santorum’s God have his way with you!

Oh, yes, he will also take away your porn, to make sure that you are just as uptight and sexually frustrated as he is. There is literally no way in which this man is NOT weird about anything involving sex.

So, rejoice, Wonkers, it’s time to get on the boat. Santorum is going to slide us all right into 2016! It won’t hurt a bit, he promises.

[CBS News]

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  • ManchuCandidate

    The half life of Santorum is even longer than plutonium and twice as toxic.

  • Villago Delenda Est

    He’d better get going soon, the clown stretch limo is getting crowded, and the santorum is already hip deep.

  • dslindc

    Great. Santorum on all my screens again.

  • Msgr_Moment

    Those dreamy eyes. Sorry, Rick, you’re gonna have to up your game.

  • memzilla

    Santorum is just the lubricant the Rethuglican Clown Car needs.

    • Msgr_Moment

      W derp 40.

      • memzilla

        Well, he certainly is a crank case.

        • Msgr_Moment

          What a dipstick!

          • chicken thief

            We might have gone to the well one too many times with that one…

          • Querolous

            Oil have to think about that.

    • Shibusa

      The Senator from K-Y wasn’t cutting it.

    • Weldon Thomas

      There are many palms that must be greased.

  • cousin itt

    Release the Krakpot!

  • Villago Delenda Est

    Oh, yes, he will also take away your porn

    There goes the Utah vote.

  • FauxAntocles

    C’mon, the Rethuglican party is just getting started! So many idiots, so little time.

  • Nounverb911

    Imagine all the good they could do if all of these republican donors gave their billions to the poors instead of these clowns….

    (Ha ha, Just kidding)

  • say wha

    Since he is so into dogs, if there’s not enough room inside the clown car, they can always put him in his carrier and tie it to the roof.

    • Nounverb911

      ..

  • jesuswasablack

    “Oh, yes, he will also take away your porn”
    I hope he’s not counting on any large campaign donations from major corporations like, Marriot, Westin, Hilton, ATT, Comcast, Newscorp, etc.

    • Only man-on-dog porn is legal under Santorum’s community standards.

    • Vecciojohn

      Apple . . . Yeah, like there’s any other reason I need a computer.

      • Beaumarchais?

        Wonkette—for afterwards.

  • RoyalUglyDude

    Good. I was slightly worried the Republican debates might not feature any bestiality references at all.

    • Celtic_Gnome

      They’re Republican debates. Of course they’ll be bestiality references.

  • whatwhomever

    This is a good idea. Some santorum might make it easier to shove a few more clowns in the clown car.

  • Vienna Woods

    ” You don’t want Karen to get bored and start sexting with that hot abortion doctor she used to date, do you?”

    What’s creepy is said doctor actually birthed her, also, too.

  • schmannity

    But what about his Hollywood moguldom? Don’t make that poor daughter cry again Rick.

  • chicken thief

    WAKE UP RICK SOMEONE TOOK YER BITCH!11!!!

  • exinkwretch

    Hey, why let the Protestant fundamentalist whack jobs get all the ink and electrons? The Catholic lunatic fringe deserves equal time!

  • one_who_wanders

    He is tanned, he is rested, and he is ready.
    For what no one is quite sure.

    • timpundit

      If that’s “tanned” then Queen Elizabeth is Ugandan.

    • Celtic_Gnome

      What, exactly, do these people do between elections? I mean, they have mortgages, right? And the kids need braces. And the dog needs to be fixed. What do Rick Santorum et al do for a living?

      • bobbert

        Grift.

      • blaid droog

        maybe they give wall st. ceo’s blow jobs.

  • Vecciojohn

    Ted and Rand, Marco to announce, Ranger Rick – it’s like the Beatles getting back together again!

    Oh, wait, no. Now I remember. Actually, it’s like that time my herpes erupted so violently I had to spend a week in the hospital.

  • chicken thief

    “…a testing the waters account does not have to disclose its finances.”

    Ohhhhhh, shit! I think I see a “chicken thief might run for preznit, maybe who knows” announcement in the near future!

    • schmannity

      How’s your tie situation?

      • chicken thief

        I got a friend…

        Besides, this is just the grifting testing the waters phase.

      • MrBlobfish

        He’ll need both kinds: red and blue.

  • Vecciojohn

    Say what you will, he’s a dogged opponent.

    • Callyson

      I wish I didn’t see what you did there.

      • Vecciojohn

        Yeah, that was pretty awful. I blame the drugs.

  • Lot_49
    • sillyclucker

      That is my favoritest picture ever!

  • Guest

    Won’t be long until we’re seeing how much these adorable kids have grown.

    And all hail our beloved Editrix for switching to a comment system that allows pictures!

    • timpundit

      Grown what?

  • MrBlobfish

    A nation turns its lonely eyes to Rick. Burps. Goes back to scrapbooking.

    • Vecciojohn

      This is an Imagist poem and an exact assessment of Rick’s place in history. I salute you!

  • Lot_49

    Won’t be long until we see how much these adorable kids have grown in the intervening years since he lost his last general election.

    • MrBlobfish

      It’s a shame daddy will make them cry again.

      • Vecciojohn

        If we can take it so can they.

  • Vecciojohn

    They’ll take my porn when they pry it from my cold, dead hand. My cold, dead, semen-crusted chicken-choking hand. My cold, dead . . .

    Ouch!! I’m going, I’m going!

  • Callyson

    For my home state…

    Never forget:

    Rick Santorum’s School Scandal

    How the public-school-loathing GOP candidate used Pennsylvania’s taxpayer dollars to school his kids in Virginia.

  • chicken thief

    Go ahead and laugh and make your silly jokes libtards, but don’t you forget – Santorum finished second to Mitt last cycle.

    WE’RE #2!!!!! WE’RE #2!!11!!! WE’RE #2!!!!!

    • Msgr_Moment

      ISWYDT.

    • timpundit

      Hey, if Walker sets himself on fire (not a total joke) and Jeb is considered too nice to the browns…who’s left? Seriously, in a Party that is known for rewarding the Gold Watch of the Nomination to the most-ran…

      I can easily see a Clinton v Sanatorium Match up. Totally.

      • bobbert

        Wait. Walker sets himself on fire? Seriously? Can I contribute to this GoBurnMe?

    • Gleem-McShinez

      WE’RE #2!!!!! WE’RE #2!!11!!! WE’RE #2!!!!!

      You’re half-right.

      • H0mer0

        yeah, needz moar sperm and KY

  • I get to watch Rand Paul *and* Rick Santorum humiliate themselves on a national stage? It almost makes up for the fact that the former wants to take away any chance of an economic future I have (which is already slim!) and turn my nation into a banana republic and the latter wants to put me in a reeducation camp to have the gay santorumed out of me.

  • You can’t spell “POOL” without “POO”.

  • JoeChristmas

    Ick, that pic itself is anti-porn.

  • Gleem-McShinez

    Just how much Eagle Shart is allowed before the water is considered contaminated?

  • Msgr_Moment

    How many clowns can fit in that car?

  • BillWestern

    Run, Rick, run!

    • sillyclucker

      I hope he gets the runs.

    • Virginia Dreaming

      Needs more sweater vests [img]http://i.imgur.com/RyB2bWv.gif[/img]

  • AnOuthouse

    You know what’s missing as at the on line Paul boutique? Cute little jars to store your miscarriage in. I hope Ricky included them in his swag. Get you Santorum jar today.

  • Alex Grey

    The derp has reached 11

    • Blank Ron

      We may need to recalibrate the meters.

  • fawkedifiknow

    All these dipshits are so in love with Jesus and Ronnie Reagan you can’t tell me they aren’t fantasizing buttsechs with both of them. In a threesome, no less.

  • VirginiaLady

    In the title I misread the word primaries as primates. It worked too well.

  • alleygator

    Will Santorum “test the waters” by trying to walk on it?

    • OneYieldRegular

      One can only hope so.

  • OneYieldRegular

    Asked about his foreign policy agenda were he to be elected President, Santorum replied that he was intent on stopping gays in other countries as well.

  • Rick will have to take my porn out of my cold dead eyes.

  • katahdin

    Ricky also wrote a book in which he discouraged young women from attending college.
    He is one frothy mix of misogyny and homophobia.

    • Virginia Dreaming

      Of course, If women get educated they are not as liable to listen to his brand of bullshit. And when women have economic options they don’t have to put up with inferior, controlling idiots.

  • Celtic_Gnome

    Hooray! A Republican presidential primary without Santorum is like a day without sunshine.

  • Paperless Tiger

    Can Mitt be far behind?

    • Virginia Dreaming

      OMG, that is not an image I wanted.

  • DahBoner

    Actual CCTV footage from Rick Santorum campaign donation center…
    http://media2.giphy.com/media/ESt8At0PXpmj6/giphy.gif

  • Me not sure

    Handily, Santorum is 40% lube already.

  • bobbert

    Grifters gonna grift.

    Does Babble Spice know about these “testing the waters” cons? Talk about your low-hanging fruit (oops, sorry Rick).

  • dsmith

    Ricky is a good family man who has Christian values and would drop bombs on Iranian citizens just to get neocon funding. What a guy.

  • Guest

    It’s the money, follow the money. The amazing way Santorum deals with taxes and income are one of the reasons Pennsylvanians ejected him like a bad piece of fecal material. The other stuff is just good old Catholic Fundamentalist Neo-antisecularism (which is a thing). But money? Follow it. Santorini becomes a regular old Selfabuse Masturbani when he thinks about K Street and when he cashes his speechifying cheques. He’s a bit like a farm team William Jennings Bryan, only Roman Catholic and without the gravitas and political significance. But, given half a chance, Santorum would Scopes Trial the bejesus outa us. Follow his money, and wonder about his income.

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