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Male supremacy: An idea whose time may at last be here

Meet Pastor Bill Lytell of the Gospel Baptist Church in Bonita Springs, Florida. He’s got a pretty fab new insight into how God wants things to work: Men should always be the boss of ladies, and not ever the other way around, because of God’s mighty penis and the hefty testicles of Adam, Moses, and Jesus (make no mistake though, they all lived at different times, and therefore their weighty mansacks never touched, so no homo).

Lytell was pretty jazzed about all the great publicity the church got last month when a 9-year-old boy — a pre-man, if you will — found a loaded gun in the church’s bathroom and brought it home with him, because of all the exposure the news story gave to the church’s “Male Leadership” sign.

And I'm proud to be a 'Merkin...

And that’s going to go out throughout the whole county. Do you know what we’d have had to pay to do something like that? That was probably a hundred thousand dollar gift.

Maybe, we dunno — we’re pretty sure you have to pretend to be oppressed first before anyone will give you a hunnert thousand bucks these days. But maybe! In any case, Lytell would prefer that male parishioners please not leave their guns in the bathrooms any more, if only to avoid overexposure of the brand. Also, too, Male Leadership is the Best Leadership — and really, the only leadership, going right back to Adam, the Real Guy who lived about 6000 years ago when the Earth was made out of God’s Own Duplo Blocks, and woman was made out of either dust or Adam’s rib, both of which happened:

Don’t you be ashamed you go to a church with male leadership. Every church that’s right with God oughta have a sign: “Male Leadership.” Because that’s the only kind of leadership, both from Adam all the way to the last part of the Bible. It’s all been male. This is a man’s world! And all the men said… [pause, then manly voices say “Amen!”]

There aren’t many places were men can ever rejoice anymore without feeling about half-ashamed because they try to put you down or sue you or something, but brother this is a man’s world. You can say what you want, you can do what you want, but God made Adam in leadership and it’s going to end with a man in leadership. It doesn’t make men better, it’s just God’s way!

Look, ladies, this is a simple matter of history and reality, so don’t you go putting on pants or thinking you can run things, or suing for “discrimination,” because as we all know from the Bible, you need a man to tell you how things work.

And no matter how hard you wish it, you will never ever be able to strap Rev. Lytell into a time machine and tell him to give Elizabeth I a good talking-to about how she upset the natural order. We know this will never happen because there are no 16th-Century woodcuts depicting a man with a 1962 Mission Control buzzcut having his head lopped off at the Tower of London.

[RawStory / WINK News]

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  • JustPixelz

    Eve ate the fruit of knowledge first. Because she had free will. Adam was a scaredy cat.

    • mtn_philosoph

      Upon the advice of a serpent, according to published accounts.

      But I want to tell you right here … I did not hype edible temptations with that woman…

  • memzilla

    The Widow Mantis on Line Two for you, Reverend.

    • memzilla

  • unStunned

    And Lilith sayeth unto him, “Yeah, right.”

  • beatbort

    Praise the Lord, and pass the Viagra, cos our weenies are so tiny forever.

  • JustPixelz

    I guess he’s not going to vote for Hillary.

    • Thatsit Fortheotherwon

      She’d likely win a size-off.

  • SuspectedDemocrat

    The MRA Church of the Holy Sacrament of the Red Pill, Christ the PUA. Come for our pancake breakfast and help us pray away the gynocracy!

    And if any nuns got doxed, it’s their own fault.

  • BloviateMe

    …and there’s another domestic violence charge waiting to happen, me thinks.

  • Dudleydidwrong

    That photo! With his arms spread out like that I think he’s exaggerating a whole lot.

  • MrBlobfish

    But it wouldn’t be nothing, nothing without a woman or a girl

  • House0fTheBlueLights

    The Hefty Testicles of Adam is a great name for a rock band.

  • JohnBull

    Guns in churches, cops murdering retreating black people, Rand Paul saying stupid stuff, un-Christian pastors talking about wangs….. These are examples of the dumb part of America losing their shit. Nobody said it would be pretty.

    • Villago Delenda Est

      It’s been building up for six years now. Ever since the near sheriff moved into the White House.

      • Bearpaw01

        It started before that, when they had one of their own in the office.

      • kindness

        The United States of Rock Ridge.

        Excuse me while I whip this out!

  • Walter Wellstone

    The Jeebus had a schlong? I thought he was one of those who didn’t do the sexytimez…

  • I, too, worship at the Church of the Manly Macho He-Man, though to be honest I mostly just attend online services these days.

    • LIT_Fag

      Grindr be thy name.

  • Lizzietish81
    • Dudleydidwrong

      Ah, the good old daze! MST3K set the standard and we try to follow their pathway. Flor-i-duh makes it somewhat easy, however

    • JustPixelz

      Everyone knows Jesus wore the pants in His family. Um .. except for the actual pants. And the actual family.

      • Paperless Tiger

        Actually, he did wear trousers, because he was a Medieval Russian nobleman who ruled in Jerusalem, which, in the XII century, was at the site of Yoros (Yorosalem) on the Bosphorus. In Medieval art, he generally appears in his official vestments of red tunic and blue mantle as Pantocrator, or all-ruler, which is to say, King of Kings.

    • WIDTAP
    • JohnBull

      Like Tom Servo, Jesus also owned a pair of “Home of the Whopper” briefs.

  • JustPixelz

    Religious Freedom® means his parishioners do not have to …
    … lower the toilet seat
    … obey their wives (ha ha, JK … they are all single)
    … bake cakes for heterosexual weddings if ordered by the bride-to-be

    • Dudleydidwrong

      When the wimmenz take over the laws will be promulgated that toilet seats are fixed in the down position and cannot be raised for ever and ever. A little sign will be affixed to each toilet seat: “If you sprinkle when you tinkle, please be sweet and wipe the seat–or else!”

      • memzilla

        Death to the pissfidels!

    • MrBlobfish

      they are all single

      Or soon to be

  • r m reddicks

    You did mean “jizzed” up, right?

  • Biel_ze_Bubba

    “it’s going to end with a man in leadership.”

    That, I don’t doubt.

    • bozilingus

      All the more reason to have women in leadership roles on this planet.

  • AntiDerpomeme

    For the last two days, my Wonkette pages have loaded with auto-plays for pull-up pants for kids or jumped randomly to sports betting sites (because diapers and gambling are related, natch’). I’m pretty sure the reason is that the ‘Trix is a women. Non-male-led mommyblogs are the work of the devil, I tells ya!

  • el_donaldo

    Could God make a wang so big it’d have nothing to jizz on?

    • Lizzietish81

      Mind. Blown.

    • JustPixelz

      Asking for a friend?

    • Ellis_Weiner

      “Could”? He did! (unzips pants) Getta loada this…

      • kindness

        Carlos Danger, is that you?

        • Ellis_Weiner

          Danger? I spell my name “Anchovies.” (hangs up phone)

          • kiptw

            …hello?

          • Ellis_Weiner

            (applauds)

    • spinetingler

      Excuse me while I whip this out…

  • JustPixelz

    This is Bible. This is my gun. WAIT! Where the fuck did I leave my gun?

    • Lizzietish81

      Duh, the gun goes into the Bible.

      I was going to put a picture of a gun in a cut up Bible, but then I saw this and well

      The gun IS THE BIBLE

      http://www.toxel.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/11/bookgun01.jpg

      • JustPixelz

        And easy to cling to because you only have carry one device.

      • SterWonk

        I hereby proclaim Lizzietish81 the winner of the Internet. Not today’s winner, the winner. Disconnect your wi-fi and cable and DSL, folks – this is un-beatable.

        (Jebus, who would even create such a thing?!?!!?!)

  • docterry6973

    So I could be a leader. But in a small way.

  • Tallmutha

    Isn’t Florida God’s penis?

    • MrBlobfish

      It’s something, that’s for sure.

    • Thatsit Fortheotherwon

      Now THAT’S a ‘taint!

      • OrdinaryJoe

        No, that’s Alabama

        • Bearpaw01

          No, it taint.

  • Thatsit Fortheotherwon

    If god wanted women to lead he would have made them generals and governors and senators and shit.
    What?

  • JustPixelz

    Marcus leads from behind.

  • exinkwretch

    I’d like to hear Pastor Bill’s wife weigh in on this this. Grab your popcorn and settle in.

    • MrBlobfish

      You mean his beard, don’t you?

  • Lizzietish81

    Fun factoid: The Female T-Rex was 20% bigger than the male. And more aggressive.

    • AntiDerpomeme

      And no doubt she’d use those tiny arms to slap the shit out of this pastor moron, right before she bit his ragey little head off.

      • Lizzietish81

        I think she would just swallow him whole.

        Raptors otoh…

      • KenRob

        If only….

    • Virginia Dreaming

      Only the lesbian T-Rexes. The normal female T-Rexes stayed home and cared for the little babies and let their husbands tell them how to act. I learned that in Ken Ham’s Biblical History class. :-)

      • Blank Ron

        Lesbian T-rexes? I’ll be in my… frack, what is WRONG with me?

        • SterWonk

          For starters, you’re combining memes from completely different universes. :-)

    • JustPixelz

      That is why I did not marry a female T-Rex. (sniffs) NO, that’s not why. It was because she … she … she turned me down. (weeps) Why, Brenda? WHY? I could have made you so happy.

      • Blank Ron

        *pats your back* It’s okay, man. Climax predators can be so judgemental.

        • toughsister

          I do not know about T-Rex climax (not into prehistoric bestiality) but I believe you meant “Apex” predators.

          • Blank Ron

            Maybe I did.
            Maybe I didn’t…

  • BeckyLB

    Yup, this is a “man’s world” alright. Disease, poverty, famine, wars, pollution, discrimination…I’m glad you’re owning the mess your sex has made, Mr. Pastor! It takes a big man to lay claim to his (and his genders) screwups.

  • jviscont1

    Elizabeth I would behead him while Elizabeth II would have Margaret Thatcher kicking his azzz.

    • Blank Ron

      Victoria would have transported him to Australia. And not Bondi Beach, either.

  • Virginia Dreaming

    When he isn’t preaching Pastor Lytell runs the “He-man, Woman Haters Club,” in the tree house he and his father built out back.

  • LoveSW_Prequels

    But how are girls supposed to lead when they have those tiny squirrel brains?

  • Notreelyhelping

    I always get this feeling that, behind closed doors, these guys play a lot of games that involve the phrase: “I’ve been a bad boy, mommy.”

  • Virginia Dreaming

    I think Pastor Lytell’s name really describes his words very well.

    • Thatsit Fortheotherwon

      No further comments required on this thread!

  • Skwerl King

    So why does manly muscular Adam have such a little weenis on the Sistine Chapel ceiling then? Are there steroids in Eden?

    • Blank Ron

      Whattaya think was in that apple?

    • Because Michaelangelo was copying Greek models, and Greeks thought big cocks were ugly and uncouth.

  • Angry_Cop

    “And no matter how hard you wish it, you will never ever be able to strap Rev. Lytell into a time machine and tell him to give Elizabeth I a good talking-to about how she upset the natural order. We know this will never happen because there are no 16th-Century woodcuts depicting a man with a 1962 Mission Control buzzcut having his head lopped off at the Tower of London.”

    He didn’t, but a guy named John Knox did, in a fabulous tract entitled “The First Blast of the Trumpet Against the Monstruous Regiment of Women” published in 1558 and directly aimed at Elizabeth.

    This did not go well for him or those that published the tract – as I recall, the publisher and printer both lost their right hands (a considerable improvement over the original sentence, which was the usual hanging and quartering and so forth) and Knox’s fate was even worse: he had to publicly acknowledge that Elizabeth was awesome and sent by God Himself to save England.

    He was Scottish.

    I’ll bet he’d have rather been killed.

    • Vienna Woods

      Pedantic point- Elizabeth wasn’t queen when he wrote it- but the Catholic Queen Mary was, and he hated her even more. and also, too, Mary Queen of Scots and her mom Mary of Guise, also Catholics. Elizabeth was really pissed off with it too, but she wasn’t the main target. But since he was Scottish, then a separate country, the best she could do was refuse him passage through England for him to return from Geneva.

      • Angry_Cop

        You are entirely correct – he wrote it originally for Mary. But Elizabeth was the one who dished out the punishment.

        He wasn’t the only one by a longshot. Virtually all her councillors thought it was an abomination for a woman to rule, and told her so repeatedly. Too bad, so sad. She outlived them all and died, still ruling England.

    • doktorzoom

      And this is why I love our commenters. Fascinating stuff, but now I also haz a sad because there’s more amazing reading I will probably not get around to.

      • Angry_Cop

        Recommended: Carrolly Erickson’s “The First Elizabeth”. She did four, one on Elizabeth, one on her father, one on her mother (Anne Boleyn) and one on her sister, Mary. The Elizabeth book and the Henry VIII book are fantastic.

        • Mehmeisterjr

          Wait a minute! Carrolly Erickson is a woman! How dare she write books?

        • SpideySenser

          Oh yeah, Lizzie #1, another one of my faves. Brilliant woman, of course considering the times she had to do some gruesome, brutal stuff, but in addition to political genius and strategy for eliminating enemies, she was also a polyglot. And don’t forget the Armada. Normally I am not fond of the Brits and the expansion of European colonialism (hate it) but it was what it was and she was NOT to be messed with.

  • SpideySenser

    Ya know, men complain all the time about having to put up with PMS for a few days every month. How about the poor women who have to put up with these crazy testosterone fueled junkies every fucking minute of every fucking hour of every fucking day all year long?

    • cleos_mom

      Indeed; it’s not difficult to argue that it’s men who are totally ruled by their emotions and their hormones.

    • CthuNHu

      Hey, at least they can leave the room. We’re stuck with ourselves.

      • SpideySenser

        Perhaps, but the usual expectation for the man, at least, is that the womenfolk will stand there all slack jawed and wide eyed at the brilliant mansplaining going on. When in actuality the poor thing is doing her societal duty to behave while she’s really got her mind on the pool boy/tennis instructor.

  • Spurning Beer

    Two words: Mommy issues

  • OrdinaryJoe

    Pastor Lyttle,, the Penis Preacher. Or is that Lyttle Penis the Preacher Pastor….Bwhaahahahahahhahaha.

  • DelDryden

    Sure it was Florida and not Indiana…?

    • Blank Ron

      Six of one…

  • geoffalnutt

    God’s penis? I laughed so hard I dislocated my hip and broke a window. Who knows where the cat went.

  • VirginiaLady

    One sweet tea with lemon and anti freeze commin’ right up hun!

  • Villago Delenda Est

    So, this guy is a dick.

    DIdn’t see that one coming.

  • Mavenmaven

    Penis-Americans for Rand

  • OooShiny

    Finally! A brave Christian man finally stands up and says no more will he and his brothers be silenced, segregated, shamed and shunned from the pulpit as they have been for thousands of years.

    Finally! A brave Christian man finally puts women in their place in religion, church and life.

    Finally.

  • Callyson

    I’d like to see this asshole go up against these women.

    ETA: mind the auto play in the linky.

    • SpideySenser

      Shirley Chisholm ROCKS!

  • Mormos

    He has the salute wrong

  • Rick Hill

    If women would just refrain from keeping these poor boys down they would be actual manly men and such.
    Damn, these guys are making me long for the days when being manly meant grunting along with Tim during Tooltime.

  • shastakoala

    This is an example of fig leaf envy in its purest form.

  • Mormos

    i wish these people would read some Joe Campbell or shut the fuck up. Look, in the genesis creation myth God created Adam genderless, or as both genders, because He made him in His image, and God is a harmony of male and female aspects. It was only after Adam became lonely that humanity was separated into our gendered identities – becoming imperfect. Read the fucking bible, its in there.

    This is where the fucking concept of a soulmate comes from: the human spirit is incomplete because of our separation and requires the other for fulfillment. It makes relationships a partnership instead of a patriarchy – both genders are godly, and both genders are equal. IT IS CALLED DUALITY YOU IGNORANT SHIT!

    In the Greek version of the myth there are three races of people. Male/Female, Male/Male, and Female/Female, and the gods sundered us because they were afraid of our power – the power of man in balance. This is part of the reason ancient Greeks were cool with homosexuality.

    where was i going with this? Oh right. Fuck you dude. At least take your job seriously and TRY to understand religion and spirituality, instead of using it as a tool to justify your misogyny.

    • Villago Delenda Est

      They can’t do that, Dave.

    • cleos_mom

      Actually the book of Genesis has two creation accounts. The other just refers to God having created human beings, “male and female”. The second account doesn’t suggest the idea of a soulmate so much as a “helpmeet” who does a hefty portion of the scutwork and produces a baby every year.

  • Alan Williams

    Eve may have come from Adam’s rib, but God pulled Pastor Lytell straight outta Adam’s ass.

  • cleos_mom

    Churches that adhere to that particular notion have an interesting take on marriage. The man is supposed to stand in for Christ — in Christian theology, God incarnate, one of the three aspects of the Godhead. The woman stands in for the Church, which inspires a broad spectrum of pretty bridal metaphors but basically identifies females with a community of limited, fallible human beings.

    It’s a reworking of the open teaching that men are closer to God than women, who were created to be “helpmeets” in the first place. Not difficult to step from the man=God woman=the Church figure of speech to justify just about anything, and of course some women do buy into it.

  • chascates

    Only a ‘Christian’ would think of washing his handgun in a church bathroom.

    • BackDoorMan

      … I’m thinking he would wash his handgun, but not his hands, because FREEDUMB!!!1!

      • teddy21

        He prolly didn’t warsh anything. Just laid his gun down on the sink while he shook the dew off his lilly.

        • BackDoorMan

          That makes perfect sense, actually. However, now I want to know why he was pissing in the sink. No, wait – I don’t want to know.

  • You have to admit he’s thrown himself out as a penis and challenges everyone else to measure up.

  • JohnE_o

    Guys who are secure in their heterosexuality don’t butch it up like Pastor Lytell does in that video there…

    • Mehmeisterjr

      He’s bringing a cornichon to a dick-measuring contest.

  • kindness

    I have to wonder….If one believes in the Trilogy (the father, the son and the holy ghost not the Hobbit one) which states they are all one. Wouldn’t God doing the mad fandango with Mary to beget Jesus have been incest as God and Jesus are one?

    • For 2000 years, some of the best thinkers in Western Europe and latterly all round the world have been trying to make that one make sense.

      • User_0

        and the Holy Spirit spritzed blessings all around

  • Baby_Raptor

    So Obama is a real leader? He has a dick.

  • Enfant Terrible

    Ah for the days when we referred to our manly parts as “Apocalyptic Appendages of Truth”!

    • tinker12

      Just don’t cast any aspersions on Louie Gohmert’s asparagus.

  • CthuNHu

    “…and it’s going to end with a man in leadership.”

    What, the world? I don’t doubt it in the least.

  • Swampgas_Man

    But it wouldn’t be nuthin, no it wouldn’t be NOTHIN’, without a woman or a girl.

  • Mehmeisterjr

    This story left out the most important part: What happened to the poor gun? Was it re-homed to a loving ammosexual family? Please, can’t we think of the gun?

  • Me not sure

    I don’t understand how Adam would have needed a penis before that apple business. Afterward, if God meant giving Adam a penis as punishment , I think he misunderstood the meaning of the word punishment.

  • Kathleen Perez

    Yeah, I want to be “led” by a dumb dude who can be easily led astray by a woman and a talking snake. At least the snake knows what’s going down in that deal. The tree of “knowledge” is forbidden to the faithful because – knowledge=not believing in crazy, biblical fairy tales. Makes sense to me.

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