Rand Paul's Terrible Horrible Totally F*cked Up Day

Today was supposed to be Rand Paul's Big Day, the one where he was able to say "look at me, DAD, I'm a big kid now, gonna be the president you never got to be!" Instead, he ended up just being Ron Paul's pud-pulling fuck-up kid again. Let us count the ways Rand Paul is already a failure at running for president.

If Wonkette editors can proofread, so can Rand Paul

It is hard to words good on the internet! You have to measure twice and cut once, which in internet-land, is better described as reading the thing three times to make sure you didn't accidentally paste a thing telling people to "shop Aldi for 39 cent Fine Feline Entrée cat food" right in the middle of writing about how you are Mad About A Thing. Rand Paul's peeps did not do that, oops. In the product description for the eye chart in Paul's sexy funtimes lingerie shop and online falafel cart, it originally explained that "Rand Paul is an opthalmologist." Yes, that is a hard word, and Paul may not know how to spell it ("opHthalmologist") since he might not even be one, but c'mon, guys.

We could forgive that spelling error, if it weren't for this other one, where his website informed us that Paul "opposes a one-size-fits-all approach toeductation." Apparently he likes a more creative solution, one that encourages Teaching The Controversy over whether correct spelling is even a thing. (In actuality, the HuffPost points out that Paul wants to get rid of the Department Of Education entirely, which would probably level the playing field for his staffers and website writers.)

Both of the problems have been fixed, presumably because tacky mean liberals on the internet pointed them out.

Rand Paul's supporters consist of German Stock Photos and One Lonely Jew

When running for president, it's a good idea to give folks the impression that there is already a horde of people just clamoring to pick you as their Dear Leader. Rand Paul doesn't really have that, so he picked the next best thing -- nameless German stock photo characters! 

Kentucky Sen. Rand Paul launched his presidential campaign Tuesday complete with a page to endorse the new presidential candidate.

The endorsements are then presented on a map of the United States.

The people on the endorsement map, however, appear to be stock images from a Italian photographer Andrea Piacquadio who goes by the name Olly or Ollyy on stock image sites, and according to his Shutterstock page, is based in Germany.

DOY! BuzzFeed tracked down some of the models featured on the page, and all led directly back to the Germany-based stock photo guy. This might seem like a big BuzzFeed SCOOP!, except that they failed to actually ask the stock photos if they were indeed supporting Paul for USA President. They might have been, YOU DON'T KNOW.

There's also a section of Paul's website where you can pick out a special social media avatar that says what kind of US American you are, and that you support Rand Paul. There are all the normal ones -- Christian for Rand, Conservative for Rand, etc. -- but the one that sticks out at us is the sure to be wildly popular Jew For Rand avatar! That one guy is gonna have a field day changing his Facebook and Twitter pictures, knowing that Rand Paul made it just for him:

Those photos have disappeared, just like the spelling errors, but the Lonely Jew avatar remains. May we also suggest Furry For Rand? Something tells us he might get some traction there.

In case you missed the announcement the first time, check it out on YouTube, oh wait...

If, like most Americans, your Comcast was fucked up when you were trying to watch Paul's Great Announcement and you missed it, you're probably thinking, "Surely it's on YouTube!" No, no it is not. Philip Bump explains in the Washington Post that Paul pranced onstage and then danced back off to the sweet melodies of John Rich's country song "Shuttin' Detroit Down," which is owned by Warner Music Group. What's fun is that Warner didn't even have to hardly lift a finger to block it:

YouTube has a system called "Content ID," which allows the owners of copyright on material to automatically censor unlicensed use of said material. As described here, YouTube automatically matches videos against a big database of copyrighted material, including music, when the video is submitted. Then, copyright owners can, if they wish, block a video from being viewed.

So basically Warner got a Tinder message saying that Rand Paul thought they were hawt, and they were like "SWIPE LEFT!" Bump thinks this is hilarious, explaining that "Rand Paul's spirited cry against government intervention has been blocked from view because YouTube lets huge music companies preemptively apply copyright law."

Of course, we would be remiss if we failed to acknowledge the biggest fuck-up Rand Paul did today, the one where he said in a speech that he was going to be President of the United States LOL. At least he can take comfort in the knowledge that he will be EXACTLY as much president as his possibly senile dad.

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[ Huffington Post / BuzzFeed / Washington Post ]