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Libertarians don't fuck up, they FREEDOM up.

Today was supposed to be Rand Paul’s Big Day, the one where he was able to say “look at me, DAD, I’m a big kid now, gonna be the president you never got to be!” Instead, he ended up just being Ron Paul’s pud-pulling fuck-up kid again. Let us count the ways Rand Paul is already a failure at running for president.

If Wonkette editors can proofread, so can Rand Paul

It is hard to words good on the internet! You have to measure twice and cut once, which in internet-land, is better described as reading the thing three times to make sure you didn’t accidentally paste a thing telling people to “shop Aldi for 39 cent Fine Feline Entrée cat food” right in the middle of writing about how you are Mad About A Thing. Rand Paul’s peeps did not do that, oops. In the product description for the eye chart in Paul’s sexy funtimes lingerie shop and online falafel cart, it originally explained that “Rand Paul is an opthalmologist.” Yes, that is a hard word, and Paul may not know how to spell it (“opHthalmologist”) since he might not even be one, but c’mon, guys.

eyechart

We could forgive that spelling error, if it weren’t for this other one, where his website informed us that Paul “opposes a one-size-fits-all approach to eductation.” Apparently he likes a more creative solution, one that encourages Teaching The Controversy over whether correct spelling is even a thing. (In actuality, the HuffPost points out that Paul wants to get rid of the Department Of Education entirely, which would probably level the playing field for his staffers and website writers.)

eductation

Both of the problems have been fixed, presumably because tacky mean liberals on the internet pointed them out.

Rand Paul’s supporters consist of German Stock Photos and One Lonely Jew

When running for president, it’s a good idea to give folks the impression that there is already a horde of people just clamoring to pick you as their Dear Leader. Rand Paul doesn’t really have that, so he picked the next best thing — nameless German stock photo characters!

endorsers

Kentucky Sen. Rand Paul launched his presidential campaign Tuesday complete with a page to endorse the new presidential candidate.

The endorsements are then presented on a map of the United States.

The people on the endorsement map, however, appear to be stock images from a Italian photographer Andrea Piacquadio who goes by the name Olly or Ollyy on stock image sites, and according to his Shutterstock page, is based in Germany.

DOY! BuzzFeed tracked down some of the models featured on the page, and all led directly back to the Germany-based stock photo guy. This might seem like a big BuzzFeed SCOOP!, except that they failed to actually ask the stock photos if they were indeed supporting Paul for USA President. They might have been, YOU DON’T KNOW.

There’s also a section of Paul’s website where you can pick out a special social media avatar that says what kind of US American you are, and that you support Rand Paul. There are all the normal ones — Christian for Rand, Conservative for Rand, etc. — but the one that sticks out at us is the sure to be wildly popular Jew For Rand avatar! That one guy is gonna have a field day changing his Facebook and Twitter pictures, knowing that Rand Paul made it just for him:

His name is Herschel, and he lives in Toledo.

Those photos have disappeared, just like the spelling errors, but the Lonely Jew avatar remains. May we also suggest Furry For Rand? Something tells us he might get some traction there.

In case you missed the announcement the first time, check it out on YouTube, oh wait…

If, like most Americans, your Comcast was fucked up when you were trying to watch Paul’s Great Announcement and you missed it, you’re probably thinking, “Surely it’s on YouTube!” No, no it is not. Philip Bump explains in the Washington Post that Paul pranced onstage and then danced back off to the sweet melodies of John Rich’s country song “Shuttin’ Detroit Down,” which is owned by Warner Music Group. What’s fun is that Warner didn’t even have to hardly lift a finger to block it:

YouTube has a system called “Content ID,” which allows the owners of copyright on material to automatically censor unlicensed use of said material. As described here, YouTube automatically matches videos against a big database of copyrighted material, including music, when the video is submitted. Then, copyright owners can, if they wish, block a video from being viewed.

So basically Warner got a Tinder message saying that Rand Paul thought they were hawt, and they were like “SWIPE LEFT!” Bump thinks this is hilarious, explaining that “Rand Paul’s spirited cry against government intervention has been blocked from view because YouTube lets huge music companies preemptively apply copyright law.”

Of course, we would be remiss if we failed to acknowledge the biggest fuck-up Rand Paul did today, the one where he said in a speech that he was going to be President of the United States LOL. At least he can take comfort in the knowledge that he will be EXACTLY as much president as his possibly senile dad.

[Huffington Post/BuzzFeed/Washington Post]

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  • WiscoJoe

    Rand Paul is infallible and just too brilliant for all of you sheeple to understand. This is clearly nothing more than a false flag operation designed to discredit Rand Paul before he can even get started, because the sheeple are so terrified of how totally competent and completely electable Rand Paul is. If Rand Paul wasn’t such a threat to the Washington machine liberal media collectivist scum one world government new world order conspiracy complex, then they wouldn’t be trying so hard to make Rand Paul look so bad, which is proof that Rand Paul is infallible and just too brilliant for all of you sheeple to understand.

    • Kgprophet

      “Brilliant” – hilarious!

    • Villago Delenda Est

      Poe’s law…it’s a powerful drug!

    • Lancelot Link

      You forgot “Statist”

      • WiscoJoe

        Pernicious Statist

  • Msgr_Moment

    “Is that ice cream?”
    “No, I just blew a seal.”

  • ArgieBargie

    A Wingnut who’s got trouble spelling even the simplest words?

    No fucking way.

    • WiscoJoe

      Rand Paul opposes a one-size-fits-all approach to spelling.

      • ArgieBargie

        You see, if you repeal every single word of [insert law, or whatever program you don’t like], you are less likely to misspell those words.

    • Distemp

      If Shakespeare and Sarah Palin can make up words, so can he. Elitist scum.

  • Steverino247

    So, Weekend S. Photo was called back to Germany for Wehrmacht duty?

    • Mehmeisterjr

      I’m really looking forward to his next report. This is a gift for W. S. P.

  • CthuNHu

    The socially acceptable wording is “Red Sea Pedestrian for Rand.”

    • LesBontemps

      “Yid for the Kid.”

      • nmmagyar

        Brilliant!

        • Toomush_Infer

          “Kike for the tyke?”….

      • Tallmutha

        “Hebe for the Dweeb.”

        • Mehmeisterjr

          “Sheenie for the weenie.”

          • Gleem-McShinez

            “Yehuda for Aquabuddha”

      • Billy Rubin

        Juif for the queef

  • RoyalUglyDude

    Most plagiarists turn in material that was spell-checked at some point.

  • Bill Slider

    Middle Schoolers for Rand Paul unite. Volunteer now for such important positions as Webmaster for Ron Paul for President. Other positions include the Lotus position, the Eyes Have It director, and the Chump Change & Black Eyed Peas Monacle Extroidinaire Specialist (part-time).

    • Patrick Pine

      A picture worth a thousand misspelled words….

  • Tallmutha
    • Blank Ron

      That will always be funny.

      • ThePuckStopsHere

        I’ve already stolen it and made
        it my own,

        • Blank Ron

          As I’ve said before, always steal from the best.

  • We need to go boldly forth under the
    banner of liberty that clutches the Constitution in one hand and the
    Bill of Rights in the other.

    As The National Memo pointed out on Twitter, the Bill of Rights is part of the Constitution.

    • ThisMicah

      Plus if one hand is holding one document and one hand is holding another, which hand is holding the banner? Actually don’t you need two hands to hold a banner properly?

      • BMW

        He opposes your one size fits all approach to number of hands.

        • Dudleydidwrong

          He’s got his thumb stuck up his ass. Maybe he has a “detachable” rather than an “opposable” thumb. Otherwise the number of hands is rising. He can certainly have my middle finger.

      • ThisMicah

        And actually too, upon another reading: are we clutching the papers or is the banner doing it?

        • This is what happens when you hire Sarah Palin to write your speeches.

    • BackDoorMan

      … then that must mean he wants to tear up the Constitution so he has something to carry in each hand.

    • shawnthesheep

      OH. MY. GOD. THE BANNERS HAVE HANDS! RUN FOR YOUR LIVES! THE BANNERS HAVE HANDS!

  • whatwhomever

    I think the most popular social media avatar would be “mentally challenged for Rand”, or, for more alliteration, an “R” word that has a similar meaning as mentally challenged.

    • Tallmutha

      Mentaly Challenged for Rand.

    • Gleem-McShinez

      “Republican for Rand” doesn’t really make sense, though.

  • smashedinhat

    What the hell kind of name is Rand Paul anyway? Is that even American!? It sounds like an additive for your washing machine. Now Ted Cruz is an Americany type name…oh…wait…

  • schmannity

    Credit Rand for trying to sew up the Jews for Pat Buchanan early.

  • MrBlobfish

    Rand Paul read a book
    He says that it changed his life
    It made him selfish

    • deanbooth

      It didn’t make him selfish, it just gave him an excuse to be.

    • bobbert

      Decent haiku for a blobfish.

  • OrdinaryJoe

    This is what you get if your president went to home sckuul.

    • Billy Rubin

      Home ophthalmology school, no less!

  • Callyson

    Paul “opposes a one-size-fits-all approach to eductation.”

    Well, that’s understandable. You can’t use the same size of duck tape on everything, you know…

    • SuspectedDemocrat

      The size you’re looking for is “tax cuts”

  • Cranky Little Camperette

    No “Aqua Buddhists for Rand?”

  • cousin itt

    If you’re going to use stock photos, at least use livestock.

  • MrBlobfish

    At least he didn’t crazy glue his hand to his face. Please tell me he didn’t crazy glue his hand to his face.

  • Callyson

    May we also suggest Furry For Rand? Something tells us he might get some traction there.

    I read that as “he might get some action there.” My God, reading Wonkette has warped my brain…

    • HogeyeGrex

      Yeah, but that doesn’t mean you’re wrong.

      ew.

    • Blank Ron

      I wish I could say that I cannot think of a single furry who’d go for him, but there’s some REAL freaks in the fandom. (I can say this because I’m one of the ones your mother told you about.)

      • bobbert

        I can assure you that my mother never told me about furries. Although, were she still alive, she’d probably be amused.

        • Blank Ron

          I like your mother. When I outed myself as a fur some 20 years ago, my Jeebus-freak cousin emailed me to tell me I was possessed. Amusement would have been preferable.

  • BMW

    Jew have got to be kidding me.

  • CthuNHu

    Also worth noting: Doctors, lawyers, sportsmen, fishermen, runners, libertarians, conservatives, Democrats and Iowans for Rand get fancy-shmancy themed backgrounds; African-American, Christian, Catholic, Native-American (sic), Jew/ish, Italian-American, Student for Rand folks get blank solid color backgrounds. Almost as if they’re less worth bothering with. but needed to be checked off a list. A list that didn’t, as you may have noticed, include Hispanic. Or Asian. Or Gay. Or Teacher.

    • Callyson

      I was hoping you were kidding about the Runner for Rand. From now on, during every race that I run in I’ll be side-eyeing every other runner to see if any of those nutcases are in the crowd.

      Oh well, maybe that will inspire me to hurry the fuck up and set a new PB…

    • Amy!

      He really missed a trick, leaving out some of those.

      Gay for Rand [rollover text: (no homo!)]

      which leads inevitably to:

      Bro for Rand
      Gamer for Rand

      and, oh:

      Rifles for Rand [rollover text: Blood for Oil!]

      This is kinda fun, you know. :-)

      • bobbert

        It’s really about ethics in Randian journalism.

    • Toomush_Infer

      But Numnuts for Rand has a great stock photo….

    • vivian

      Brands for Rand

  • OneYieldRegular

    Rand Paul may not have been involved in a major scandal yet, but I predict that all these minor little Piacquadios are going to add up.

  • deanbooth

    “You have to measure twice and cut once”

    Mohels should measure three times!

    • Mehmeisterjr

      Don’t tell us, tell Jew for Rand.

      • vivian

        Or Mohel(s) for Rand

    • FauxAntocles

      At least

  • Callyson

    he will be EXACTLY as much president as his possibly senile dad

    Obligatory:

    http://i.imgur.com/7drHiqr.gif

  • Malmborg Implano

    Let’s abolish the Apartmint of Educashin.

  • Bill Slider

    Run. Ran, Run, Rand.

  • Tallmutha

    After an exciting day, Rand enjoys a celebratory ice cream cone:

    http://9.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_kszj8f5IUo1qz9tjmo1_500.png

    • SuspectedDemocrat

      “It says Choo-Choo-Choose me! And there’s a picture of a train!”

      • ZangoCrudmonger

        SMRT, QED.

  • Spotts1701

    Hey he showed up at the event wearing pants and his jacket facing the right way. So it wasn’t a total loss.

  • Toomush_Infer

    Luckily, in Rand Paul’s Freedum From Eductation Future, spelling will be optional….

    • Enfant Terrible

      Opshunull.

      • Toomush_Infer

        Okey…

    • ibwilliamsi

      Kids don’t need spelling. They have Skype™.

    • Me not sure

      As board certification is now.

      • Amy!

        Bored Sertafied Optamatol Opticolo Eye Docter

        • Me not sure

          Don’t type again until you’ve had your eyes checked.

          • Mehmeisterjr

            Don’t type again until you’ve had your eyes checked by somebody other than Rand Paul.

            FIFY

    • Count Awesome

      His campaign slogan shouls be:
      “Ayn’t you aching for some Rand?©”

  • Joshua Norton

    Rand Paul is different from other GOP presidential candidates in the same way that diarrhea is different from regular crap.

    • Gleem-McShinez

      Frank Luntz says it’s “Conservatism’s softer side”

      • vivian

        Frank Lutz is a colossal ass hat.

    • Thaumaturgist

      Nope, can’t buy the notion that Rand is different from all,the other Goppers the same way that diarrhea is different from crap. It’s all the same shit to me.

  • HogeyeGrex

    Jew For Rand

    Funnier and more offensive as a verb rather than a noun.

    • Toomush_Infer

      Is that like Meh for Cruz?….

    • Gleem-McShinez

      Since we’re going there, I guess the Romani might want to be support The Next President:

      “Gyp for Rand”

      • nmmagyar

        WE DO NOT WANT!!!!

  • johnnymeatworth

    Because “Hebe for Rand” would have been insensitive?

    • Enfant Terrible

      Kikes for Cruz has a ring to it.

      (Cripes, we’re all gonna get written up in Deleted Comments this week!)

      • Mehmeisterjr

        That would be a blatant ripoff of the popular Kikes for Ike slogan of the 1950’s.

    • SuspectedDemocrat

      “Gay for Rand” if he wants to reach out to millenials.

      • Me not sure

        How about ” Eyein’ Rand? “

        • CthuNHu

          Starting to infringe on “Aryan for Rand” territory there.

          • Zippy

            Those are daddy’s people

    • johnnymeatworth

      I’ve got it! “Cruzin’ for Rand!”

    • Me not sure

      Hebes for Hillz already has that sewn up.

  • SuspectedDemocrat

    Rand is board certified as an opthalmologist. What, you thought he was some kind of eye doctor?

    • dimplasm

      Except that board was created by, none other than, Rand Paul.

      • Thaumaturgist

        Yes, the board that certified Rand Paul as an ophthalmologist was created by Ramd Paul. Yahoo won’t let anyone use someone else’s trademark either, which is why he had to come up with a different market dress.

  • River CitySlicker

    His party will never nominate him, but if they do, Senator
    Larry Craig was right – Republicans will swallow anything.

  • Mehmeisterjr

    “,,,they failed to actually ask the stock photos if they were indeed supporting Paul for USA President.”

    If he wins the election thanks to the Frankfurt an der Oder vote, we’ll find out.

    • Villago Delenda Est

      Are you saying he’s already blown off Frankfurt am Main?

      • Mehmeisterjr

        Jeb has a lock on Frankfurt am Main and its large Mexican population.

        • Msgr_Moment

          ¡Ick bin ayn Frankfurter!

    • Msgr_Moment

      Oder. Neisse. Very Neisse.

  • ibwilliamsi

    I was under the impression that the “Furry for Rand” was sitting atop his bald pate.

    • dimplasm

      That’s his Tribble Overlord.

      • Mehmeisterjr

        You misspelled “Terrible.”

    • April

      It’s doubtful the “Furry for Rand” thing will gain traction.

      We have standards.

  • RoyalUglyDude

    The weather channel says Louisville is getting blitzed with a swarm of lightning strikes right now.
    Shit just got real.

    • willi0000000

      from The Book of Wonderfulness™

      “It is not that I believe that there are too many idiots in this world, just that lightning isn’t distributed right.”
      – Samuel L. Clemens

  • LesBontemps

    Don’t tell me how to Jew, Senator.

  • Mehmeisterjr

    Opthalmologist? Eductation? This is what you complain about? I say, as a true Libertarian, we cannot allow ourselves to be enslaved by Big Spelling (formerly known as Big Cardinal Spelling.) In fact, from now on, Im saing: ” Im a Libatarian. Im prowd. Im heer. And Im tehking bak the Amertican Dreem!”

  • Joshua Norton

    Hmmm. Looks like someone fixed it so now it makes perfect sense.

    Or not.

    • Villago Delenda Est

      Damn, you know, I want this guy to crash and burn, but this is like the Seahawks annihilating the Broncos…even though I’m a Seahawks fan I was embarrassed for the Broncs.

      They don’t seem to be able to do anything right. At least the deserting coward’s minions didn’t let him misspell “Mission Accomplished”.

      • vivian

        Actually, I have it on reliable authority they did. The sign was supposed to read :
        “Mission Aborted”

    • Zippy

      Jewish you had a snowball’s chance in Hell of being elected president

    • Mehmeisterjr

      “I’m not really a Jew, you know, just Jew-ish.” Jonathan Miller in “Beyond the Fringe”

    • HogeyeGrex

      I liked it better as an imperative.

    • OctopiRage

      Maybe I missed something, as I am wont to do, but what is the problem with “Jew for Rand?”

      • ThatDale

        Sometimes in the South, “Jewish” is considered to be “nicer” than “Jew.” At least amongst those of us who are genteel as fuck.

  • Joshua Norton

    I found their proof reader!

    • dimplasm

      DickTator is on speshul down at the diner this week.

    • Anarchy Pony

      Teh cinister Ajenda 21.

    • jmk

      I must say – reading that did make me ankchous.

      • It made me want anchovies…and I don’t even like anchovies.

      • Zippy

        it gave me a hedake

    • Callyson

      Sponge Bob is a dictatorial “gun grabber” now? Thanks for the update, wingnuts!

      http://i.kinja-img.com/gawker-media/image/upload/s–r9iP92aP–/flrd3czenjlf6049fink.gif

      • jmk

        Well, it’s well-known among wingnuts that SpongeBob haz Teh Ghey with Patrick.

        So why not a gun-grabber, too? Because logic.

        • Patrick Pine

          Wait, my name is Patrick!????!

      • bobbert

        I actually kind of liked “squarepants” as a pantsuit allusion. That and “Bomber” make me suspect the whole thing is a gag.

    • say wha

      If you Google AJENDA 21, the first hit is Agenda 21 For Dummies, so there’s that.

    • SuspectedDemocrat

      Sponge Hitler Square Pants is the worst children’s show ever.

    • Billy.

      y3

    • HogeyeGrex

      Well, ain’t that a peach.
      http://i.imgur.com/RTPYv.jpg

      • cousin itt

        OK, I said 11:00 pm curfew then, back you go. Can’t even trust your own junk any more, harrumph.

      • ryp

        You say potato, I say penis.

    • “Proof reader” is actually one word.

      • JoeChristmas

        Talk about the pot calling the kettle black, “Extemporanus”
        (See also, too, jcristmas, jeje)

  • elviouslyqueer

    What? No “Power Bottoms For Rand”? WEAK SAUCE.

    • LIT_Fag

      “Rump Rangers For Rand”, also, too

    • Callyson

      “Those are my people!”

      – Lindsey Graham

  • Gorillionaire

    What is it with Repubs always stealing copyrighted music? Do they just do it now for the douche points?

    • jmk

      It’s libertarian street… I mean dirt-path cred. No way they’re not gonna bow to The Man and his Big Gubmint “copyright” “law”…

      • willi0000000

        just ask . . . the mouse

    • nmmagyar

      I think it’s more to reinforce the “Commine-LIEberul-Gay-Jewish-entertainment industry is against us” trope.

    • Thaumaturgist

      Who thinks Republicans produce this stuff themselves?

      Republicans can afford top notch advertising agencies that make their bones selling things like cigarettes and miracle drugs and penny stocks and high performing mutual funds. The ad agencies do this stuff every day, secure in the knowledge that the invisible hand will weed out the real slackers. So none of this is a reflection on the Goppera who use these ad agencies.

      We don’t need Wonkers to squeeze high priced ad agencies out of the GOP market. Furthermore, If we want to preserve the two-party system that made America great, Wonkers and the like are going to grow some empathy and tolerance for the Goppers here and there.

      • Toomush_Infer

        Yeah….nah…….

        • bobbert

          Or, possibly, “huh?”

    • HogeyeGrex

      Intellectual property for me, not for thee.

      As is their wont with so many other things.

    • ButIKnowWhatILike

      Well, it’s not like they can ALL use Ted Pantload for their theme music.

  • Capt.Jim

    He would have to be a pud puller cause aint no one dumb enough to fuck him

  • Poly_Ester

    Tom Cotton for Presi, no, Tom Cotton for US S, no, Tom Cotton for future adult?

    • Axomamma

      Magic Eightball says “Doubtful.”

  • LesBontemps

    “Hitlery Clintoon”! Haha, you are hi-larious! What a wit! Comedy craftsmanship at its finest! How do you manage to be so clever? You must be the life of the party.

    • behaveyrself

      Or else a lonely, resentful bastard who is afraid of his own shadow. Yeah, I’m going with that one.

      • SuspectedDemocrat

        aw, now I has a sad

    • Pat Reiland

      Does “Hildabeast” suit you better?

  • say wha

    “Then, copyright owners can, if they wish, block a video from being viewed.”
    Rand gets bitch-slapped by the invisible hand.

  • shastakoala

    I believe these endorsements were intended for the home schooled readers of the internet. Well after they get a computer anyway.

  • runfastandwin

    You don’t know everything. A man’s life is how he remembers it, not how he lived it. Just ask President Romney.

  • dalibby

    I guess someone didn’t read this article three times through: “…a Italian photographer…”. Oh, sorry. Grammar isn’t spelling.

    • Callyson

      I’ll give you the benefit of the doubt and assume you’re new here, and not a troll:

      Wonkette occasionally uses poor grammar on purpose, to amplify the sarcasm. That amuses most of us here…

      • nmmagyar

        Or he’s just A Idiot. BQHATEVR

        • artem1s

          Bqhatevwr is spelled with a ‘w’ I would have you know.

      • mailman27

        And we are mostly easily amused. Except when we are looking down our perfect noses at the (roundly ignored) half-assed commentary of the commenter formerly-known-as “birdsmith.” O, then we are OH SO PARTICULAR1111!11!!!!! Thank you.

      • JoeChristmas

        Occasionaly??/? If I see buttsechs mispelled one more time…..

        • ThatDale

          … You’ll give up buttsechs? Spelling ‘occasionally’ wrong? Dammit, man, you can’t leave us hanging like that!

      • dalibby

        An obviously unusual “mistake” can make a point…a common error, not so much. And no, I’m no troll and I really do love me some clever snark, which I have seen here on occasion.

        • Callyson

          Ah, so we just have a difference of opinion on what’s funny. Cool.

          With the switch to Disqus, we’ve had an influx of actual trolls here, so I’ve been keeping my eye out for them. Sorry for wondering if you were one of them.

        • bobbert

          This particular mistake was in a blockquote from a Buzzfeed article. I’m as much in favor of good grammar as the next internet idiot, but expecting bloggers to correct the grammar of the things they cite verges on the pedantic.

    • Joshua Norton

      Correct the snark at your own peril!

    • say wha

      Actually, this was a direct quote from the BuzzFeed article, warts and all. So, apparently, the BuzzFeed News Reporter didn’t read his own article three times or else he was using the BuzzFeed Style Manual.

      • bobbert

        Ach, I should read through subthreads before commenting.

    • HogeyeGrex

      Italian photographers are notoriously difficult to read through.

  • Villago Delenda Est

    Typical Rethuglican swine. They NEVER do their homework on copyright issues, particularly with the music they pipe in to entertain the dronz while they’re waiting for His Tribbleness to make his grand appearance.

  • diogenez

    Rand Paul: Post-modern Candidate.

    or something….

  • Callyson

    Wasn’t Hitlery Clintoon the name of the band that did last summer’s mega-hit? Christ, that song got old after a while…

    PS: ShyPixel, I’ll leave this one to your judgement.

  • Paperless Tiger

    What about head-stomping Americans for Rand? How quickly they forget.

  • AnOuthouse

    We need to boldly proclaim our vision for America. We need to go boldly forth under the banner of liberty that clutches the Constitution in one hand and the Bill of Rights in the other.

    First of all, banners don’t have hands. Second of all, you can carry the Constitution and the Bill of Rights in one hand because they are part of the same document. I mention this because, one day, Aqua Buddha might want to go boldly forth while eating a sandwich.
    http://www.esquire.com/news-politics/politics/news/a34194/the-rand-paul-experience/

    • ThePuckStopsHere

      That was outstanding.

  • chascates

    Word is Paul doesn’t react well to people reminding him of what he said previously about an issue that he has changed his mind on.

  • chascates

    And that one ‘Jew for Rand’ is Norman Podhoretz.

    • Zippy

      Adelson was taken…

  • Jacky MacConnaConnaHey

    RP for Ompthoughmolojes-in-Chief!

    • JoeChristmas

      To be fair, ophthalmology is a little tricky to spell. That extra “h” threw me off for years.

      • Jacky MacConnaConnaHey

        No doubt, but if your job is ophthalmologist it is probably worth the investment of time to learn how to spell it.

  • Callyson

    Also, too:

    Rand Paul Loves Big Government

    While libertarians and many progressives believe in decentralizing power and making sure that the most authority is rested in the hands of the most people, Paul wants the federal government to dictate policies and procedures to Americans—even when that undermines the ability of those Americans to spend tax dollars as they choose.

    The senator made this abundantly clear several years ago when he blocked action on theDistrict of Columbia Budget Autonomy Act, a power-to-the-people measure designed to give the voters of Washington, DC, and their elected representatives more authority over the spending of locally raised tax dollars.

    Instead of embracing the decentralization plan, the senator used his position to derail it.

    The Senate Homeland Security and Government Operations Committee had planned in the summer of 2012 to begin the process of moving the DC Budget Autonomy Act toward passage. But Paul used his senatorial privilege to stall action on the measure with a series of schemes, including proposals for amendments designed to weaken the district’s gun laws and ban local spending for reproductive health services. He even sought to impose anti-labor “right to work” rules to the city with an amendment providing that “membership in a labor organization may not be applied as a precondition for employment” in the District of Columbia.

    Paul made no secret of his intention to use the power of the federal government to impose his will on the residents of Washington, DC, a majority-minority city that ought to be a state.

    “I think it’s a good way to call attention to some issues that have national implications,” the senator explained to The Washington Post. “We don’t have (authority) over the states but we do for DC”

    Paul succeeded in thwarting local democracy and local control.

    tl;dr: Rand Paul is only against Big Government when it doesn’t go his way.

    • Anarchy Pony

      Just like all of the small government conservatives.

      • Zippy

        small government conservatives

        you misspelled ‘hypocrites’

        • Anarchy Pony

          I’m pretty sure they’re synonyms.

          • Toomush_Infer

            you misspelled ‘assholes’…

          • Anarchy Pony

            Fair enough.

  • Me not sure

    Words of wisdom: Never go to an eye doctor whose eye charts are all done in crayon.

    • JoeChristmas

      Also, too, never go to an eye doctor who can’t pass his the national board exam.

      • Me not sure

        That’s the one!

  • I’d totally expect someone writing on the internet about “Mad About You” to accidentally paste

    “shop Aldi for 39 cent Fine Feline Entrée cat food” into their post. Actually, I’d be surprised if they didn’t.

  • Callyson

    Oh, for fuck’s sake:

    “[E]very piece of anti-discrimination legislation passed over the past few decades,” a young campus activist wrote in a 1982 editorial in Baylor University’s college paper, “ignores one of the basic, inalienable rights of man — the right to discriminate.” Though “eliminating racial and sexual prejudice” had “noble aspiration,” the editorial claimed, anti-discrimination laws “necessarily utilize the ignoble means of coercive force.”

    More than three decades later, the author of that editorial is a United States senator who hopes to be president.

    Can’t wait to hear Rand Paul talk about how much he’s changed since his college days…

    https://31.media.tumblr.com/c6281f9a7ab6bff552d2522cec4012e0/tumblr_inline_n0ldddLtA51rg0g8s.gif

    • Toomush_Infer

      He probably plagiarized that….

    • Mehmeisterjr

      His college newspaper had a better copy editor than whoever is filling that slot for him today.

  • mailman27

    He’s a Board Certified Speller.

  • JD Mulvey

    Rand can probably get away with using whatever music he pleases. All he has to do is claim his entire campaign is satire and therefore ‘fair use’ applies.

    • Blank Ron

      Certainly no-one’s going to argue that.

  • Gleem-McShinez

    I thought “Eductation” is the resulting liquid when Bobby Jindal tries to milk that Duck Dynasty redneck thing for all its’ worth? (all euphemisms intended)

    • Guest

      Milk? Like the verb? Ooooooh, bad visual.

    • HogeyeGrex

      Milk from a hairy duck? By Jove, Sir! You’ve found a platypus!

  • JoeChristmas

    “..look at me, DAD, I’m a big kid now, I’ve got the best rug on my head that unfettered capitalism can buy!”

    • 2nd best.

      Georgie F. Twill bought the best.
      ~

      • Celtic_Gnome

        William Shatner Libel!

        • Vienna Woods

          He spent his big bucks on the corset.

    • HogeyeGrex

      Trumperpillar libel

  • John Norris

    May I ask, did Kentucky change its law forbidding a candidate from being on the ballot twice? If not, then Sen Paul’s seat in the Senate is open.

    • Callyson

      They are switching to the caucus system to get around that problem. Following the rules is for little people and Democrats.

      • bobbert

        I wonder if the Dems can field a contender. McTurtle won because of vast establishment backing, and also the fact that he was in line to be Majority Leader (which will, undoubtedly, dump lots of pork into KY). Randy is an oddball, who attracts lots of oddball support from around the country, but what has he done for Kentucky?

        • OctopiRage

          Gave them old couches to burn?

      • Vienna Woods

        Now now, let’s remember that OHJB ran for Senator and VP in 2008. Both sides do it!

  • TheBidenator

    The best part of Rand Paul entering the clown car is going to be watching him slap fight with Ted Cruz and Alex Jones slap fighting with whatever Christian far right wingnuts back Ted Cruz…

    Looking forward to it, actually. Welcome aboard Ayn Rand Paultard the Anointed!

  • May we also suggest Furry For Rand?

    CHEWBACCA LIBEL!
    ~

    • OctopiRage

      Most Wookies are mighty pissed he wears one of their pelts on his head.

    • RoyalUglyDude

      Don’t take them for granted just because they supported his Dad.

  • malsperanza

    You Wonkette you think you so smart. Rand Paul MEANT to say optamologist. You can opt in, you can opt out; it’s called a la carte goverment is what.

    And eductation is correct too: Instead of paying for education, we will NOT pay. We will get deductation! Only with the “D” already deducted. GET IT??!!?!11!

  • Mavenmaven

    At least he’ll have to shut up about the Obamacare website opening.

  • Too many John Gaults not enough Jendals.

    • Toomush_Infer

      Are you saying there’s a Jendal gap?…..

      • vivian

        Jendal discriminations

  • sillyclucker

    Stock photos are the most persecuted minority in America. Look it up.

    • ZangoCrudmonger

      It’s in Revelations, sheeple!

      • sillyclucker

        Ahhh, a bibble scholar!

      • vivian

        Or maybe in this case Relevations

    • Doug Langley

      No pizzas for their wedding!

      • sillyclucker

        You are a stockphotophobe.

  • Celtic_Gnome

    The big question is, “Do Democrats do this to?” If so, we can claim that both sides do it, and that explains everything.

  • Me not sure

    Dropout, Scott Walker, is currently rechecking the spelling on the site he is preparing to launch, ” Wawker fro Prednizol.”

    • Me not sure

      It currently reads “Wanker for Preznit.” There, all better.

  • Rick Hill

    …And the primaries have yet to begin. Could democracy be any more fun?

    • artem1s

      there is still time for Mittbot 2016 to change his operating system mind one last time!

  • OldMayfly

    Republican candidates are Always stealing music. Check prior campaigns. These “private property” guys totally ignore intellectual property rights. Maybe the “intellectual” part confuses them.

  • Patrick Pine

    He already has committed plagiarism twice so violating copyright law does not seem to apply to him – at least in his own mind….maybe we need a three strikes law here…. but then Rand would say it is another case of big brother government’s heavy hand coming down on freedom fighters and all that…

  • diogenez

    Rand Paul is an Ornithologist?

    • zerosumgame0005

      nah, a self-“certified” Hornyassologist

    • Tbone

      Nice. I love Charlie parker.

      • bobbert

        It never occurred to me that I was an ornithologist (or, I suppose, ornithophile). Thanks for that.

  • Billy.

    vote

    • Msgr_Moment

      Santorum was right.

  • Billy.

    go vote

  • MrBlobfish

    This ain’t nothin. Wait till Bobby Jindal launches his campaign.

    • Guest

      Oh, God, not another white person!

  • Mark Gruben

    “Defeat the Washington Machine,” in Rand’s case, is comically disingenuous. His father served twelve non-consecutive terms in the US House, and Rand himself is a US Senator. Uh……Rand? You are PART of the Washington machine! If you are really serious about running for President – especially with that idiotic tagline – then you really ought to resign your Senate seat. But of course, you won’t. As usual, you want to try to have it both ways.

    • Willem

      Clearly, the best way to defeat the Washington Machine is to run for not one but two Washington Machine positions. What proves your Washington Machine defeating credentials better than wanting to be part of the Machine so badly you double up on the positions you’re running for?

      • artem1s

        Clearly Rand should be suing Obummer so he can take Notorious RGB place on the SCOTUS. Nothing says Washington outsider like serving in all three branches simultaneously, bitches!

  • glennisw

    I didn’t hear any audio of his speech until my drive home tonight, and I just had to laugh at how WHINY he sounded.There’s no way he’s going to be president if he sounds like that.

    • topjob66t

      You missed the inspirational crescendo around where he will fix everything obviously.
      You are tone deaf.
      Granted he wet his pants but still. C’mon.

  • Guest

    Gots me a hunnert Rands in the mattress for when the evolution comes.

  • topjob66t

    This was a total flame out. On the launch pad. There was no lift off and disaster. It was disaster right from the start.
    The only thing that saved this launch maybe was the kids who read Anne Rand initially. They will quickly grow out of that crap.
    I think I will run for President because it appears any asshole can.

    • OctopiRage

      Surely you have to be an exceptional and accomplished asshole to run on the GOP ticket.

      • topjob66t

        Grifter does not compliment the vile cesspool of shit we see today.
        Welcome to a different world. And vote.

  • Incoming Ham

    One of two things is happening here: with all of the creative talent that is out there they hired his cousin Bob (who lives in his mom’s basement) to do their advertising and creative -or- they hired a group of awesome creatives whose secret mission is to completely fuck with his campaign. Same result either way.

    • topjob66t

      Piffle. You are suggesting a plan some how. This is not and you should be ashamed. I love the conspiracy angle though.

      • Incoming Ham

        Not so much a conspiracy – I know if I were an unemployed creative I would be all. over. that.

        I will never know, as I am an employed creative.

        It’s probably just Cousin Bob.

        • topjob66t

          What do you create? Wonkette offers a pool ya know for promising up and comers. Not me of course because I am an oldz. Fuckers I will be terminally pissed against. Which should
          not be long.

          • Baby_Raptor

            Old is relative. Someone informed me earlier that I’m old because I know that It’s Getting Hot In Here Nelly song.

            I’m only 28.

          • topjob66t

            When I say I am an oldz I earned it. I am over 70. So fuck that particular landmark crap and get to you.
            Three questions:
            Are you employed
            Are you ready?
            …………….. You add the last question.
            I’m ready for it .

          • bobbert

            Here’s a tip: you’re not old. My 23-year-old son remembers that song.

          • Baby_Raptor

            Oh I’m well aware I’m not old. I had an argument with a doctor about it a few months ago.

          • Vienna Woods

            I had never heard it until I watched Austenland, but then I’m 54.

          • Incoming Ham

            I’m an old too, I do design and writing work remotely and anytime there is a skype meeting my webcam “is on the fritz.” On the Internets no one can see your age. (Of course they can, but one can dream).

            Been doing this sort of work since the interwebs were just little babbby tubes. Long before Al Gore discovered them.

          • topjob66t

            Hilarious Gore reference.
            You seem fluid enough to manage the highs and lows of a business life.
            I actually shared e-mail with the fuck who started AOL and then let it sink. I was a charter member. And I got screwed. Really. My whole name was my user name. We are talking companion oldz.

          • Incoming Ham

            No kidding. I should have a bumper sticker that says “My other computer is a VAX”

        • HogeyeGrex

          Y’know, given the propensity for failing upward in the Republican machine, sabotaging campaigns from the inside could prove to be a long, profitable and satisfying career choice.

          Hmmmm…

    • artem1s

      Hired? surely you jest! If he’s following Daddy’s model, he’s relying on rabid fanboy volunteers to do all the grunt work.

      • Incoming Ham

        it’s a r*evol* ution

  • zerosumgame0005

    Ah, so that’s where Weekend Stock Photo has been!

    • topjob66t

      You can’t prove that asparagus. The cracker team at Rand land already deleted all of those German hussies.

  • MegPasadena

    Talking about stock photos, what happened to our Weekend Stock Photos Report?
    I kind of like it.

    • cousin itt

      It’s a developing story.

      • vivian

        but it was instantly successful

  • Guest

    As Mr Rand so often points out to staffers, Hume argued that inductive reasoning and therefore causality cannot be justified rationally, ergo ipso facto loc cit caveat imperator, backward we must all go. It’s all perfectly oblivious.

    • Uh, excuse me, it’s “Dr. Paul.” He didn’t screw over his fellow classmates in med school so he could be called “Mr.”

      • Gil

        Didn’t know ophaloogismtists were ” Doctors “. Maybe it’s an honorary degree .Like what Bill Cosby got.

  • Manhattan123

    For an extra $25 campaign contribution, the Jew for Rand also gets a yellow star to wear on his sleeve.

  • Vecciojohn

    Jew vote for Rand Paul?
    No, Jew?
    Ah, hell no!

  • Baby_Raptor

    “Rand Paul’s spirited cry against government intervention has been blocked from view because YouTube lets huge music companies preemptively apply copyright law.”

    “We tried to use this music without permission and the big corporations we normally cheerlead didn’t let us. It’s their fault!”

    • “And by ‘their’ fault we mean it’s actually the government’s fault! Because…well…you know…it just has to be!”

  • SpaceCaptainWarlock

    Rand Paul’s spirited cry against government intervention has been blocked from view because YouTube lets huge music companies preemptively apply copyright law.

    You’ve captured Rand Paul’s hilariously ironic ideology in one incredible sentence. Well done.

  • cousin itt

    Protestant much?

    • dshwa

      Everyone knows those filthy papists ain’t real ‘murican Christians.

    • bobbert

      Methinks the Rand protesteth too much.

    • TS Idiot

      Methinks thou dost Protestant too much.

    • JoeChristmas

      Atheist Objectivist for Rand?

    • eddi

      OK where’s the Queer For Rand? Libural For Rand? Let’s not just open the Big Tent, let’s tear the sucker down.

      • beatbort

        How about the Mass Murderer for Rand?

      • Gil

        Amish for Rand ?

        • eddi

          They are old-fashioned, not primitive.

      • Haters. I’m totally…

    • vivian

      Methinks thou dost Protestant too much…

  • dshwa

    And we thought Ted Cruz’s crap announcement day couldn’t be topped.

    • cousin itt

      I am disappoint that I continue to misundermasturbate the power of the Derp Side.

    • Incoming Ham

      Are we sure Rand didn’t have a captive audience too?

  • elpinche

    You know who else used German stock photos.

    • dshwa

      The Argentina Passport Authority?

      • cousin itt

        Boys of Brazil libel!

    • JoeChristmas

      Helene Bertha Amalie “Leni” Riefenstah?

    • actor212

      German soup chefs?

    • Gil

      German Angus Moiled Cattle breeders ?

  • Biff52

    So did Weekend S. Photo run off to join the Rand Paul circus?

    • cousin itt

      Carny libel!

  • ButIKnowWhatILike

    “opposes a one-size-fits-all approach to eductation.”

    That’s a typo, but not like y’all think. Randy is opposing a one-size-fits-all approach to eRuctation: Urp! Braap! Bruh!

    • actor212

      No! Clearly “eductation”means he wants to replumb all the HVAC units in America.

      • smut clyde

        Hi, there. I want to talk to you about
        educts. Do your educts seem old-fashioned? Out-of-date? Central Services’
        new eductation designs are now available in hundreds of different colors to
        suit your individual taste.

        • actor212

          I’d be very interested, but can I wait until my Nigerian prince-uncle funds me?

    • vivian

      Maybe “edictation”? That’s either systematized edicts or electronic dictation…

  • freakishlystrong

    I would ask this cartoon the same question that should be asked of all these assholes. Of who’s America do you want to be President? Who’s “we” and who are they taking it back from? Back to where?

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      Late 1800s for the libertardian ‘baggers, mid-1800s for the racists, while the religious fundies seem fixated on the 1950s.

      I can’t wait for the GOP convention, where the dueling definitions of “the good old days” collide. (Without Stewart and Colbert, will there be only Wonkette dishing out adequate snark?)

  • smut clyde

    Rand Paul’s spirited cry against government intervention has been blocked from view because YouTube lets huge music companies preemptively apply copyright law by intervention from the huge companies he wants to liberate from government intervention.

    If only government was big enough and powerful enough to step in and stop intellectual-property owners from insisting on their rights at times when Rand Paul wants to use their property! But alas it is not to be.

  • actor212

    I almost pity the guy. He’s been licking his lips for four years, all ready to announce he was running for Chief ExequaBuddha and this is how it starts?

    • He can always go back to doing bong hits.
      ~

      • OctopiRage

        No way, you KNOW he bogarted the bong.

    • Andrea

      He should have spent time getting his act together, instead of just wishing he could.

      He is a classic Libertarian . . . without his daddy’s money he would be a snot-nosed kid in his mom’s basement.

  • artem1s

    is there a Ferengi for Paul avatar?

  • NorthStarSpanx

    Oh, did Rand do something yesterday?

  • Damn, and YouTube’s big business first, users last copyright policies really are a perfect example of how big companies stifle creativity in the Internet age. Sure, there are tons of genuine copyright violators on YouTube (not that I go to the site when there’s a show from the ’90s I want to watch but I’m too cheap/lazy/poor to buy or rent the DVD set *cough*), but the auto-scanning technology YouTube uses to enforce copyright makes no distinction for fair use, and going through the official process of getting your video to count as fair use even in obvious cases is an annoying, arbitrary, and inefficient process (like BIG GOVERNMENT!!!1!!). I’ve even read reports that there’s a small cottage industry of groups with dubious if any copyright claims filing complaints anyway, in hopes that the video users will pay them off.

    tl;dr, the ironing is delicious, as Bart Simpson would say.

  • DahBoner

    What do you get when you cross Herman Cain and Aqua Buddha?

    http://media.giphy.com/media/ewAxR7h3bWhPy/giphy.gif

  • Mormos

    “Fuck copyright laws. They are a tax on knowledge.”
    -Tom Jefferson

  • fratdawgg23

    “Stop editorialising! Let me explain, OK?”

  • Serephin

    Rand Paul’s campaign strategy is to find a niche constituency and ride it to victory!

  • Moose McNuggets

    How can the Onion compete?

  • Sebastian Melmoth

    Jew for Rand? I see his mistake. It should have said “Juice for Rand.”

  • What you can’t say is, gunning for Rand, so don’t.

  • Rich Jone-s

    And why has no one produced any photos of Paul in a Speedo from his college swimming days?!

  • sparksfly

    Fascist Anarchists for Rand?

  • Just occurred to me (since I never met anyone whose first name is “Rand” and Ron’s views are “mavericky”) – could he actually have been named after Ayn….???

    • ammerique

      He was most definitely named after Ayn, this is a fact and you can easily find this by googling it! :)

      • secrippen

        Wrong.

        • ammerique

          Yes, I stand corrected, thank you.

        • Haribo Lector

          It’s pretty obvious that the choice of “Randall” is a deliberate reference to Ayn Rand. So no, Ammerique is not wrong.

    • secrippen

      His first name is ‘Randall’. He prefers ‘Rand’. But you’re close.

  • Bryan Ford

    Good try trolls… and that is some terrible writing above…. but Paul raised over 1 million dollars in less than 24 hours… and most in small increments…he is going to be just find. Mrs. Clinton won’t be once they get to debate head to head.

    • Kevin Talmadge

      “Just find” LOL…can’t even one of you dumb f#ck teabaggers spell?

      • Bryan Ford

        Just poor typing on my phone as it is obviously supposed to say fine. If that really made you LOL then you need to work on gaining a real sense of humor. Of course your lack of vocabulary skills shows when you just throw a curse word alongside the word dumb and think that’s a great put down. I’m a true independent. Not a republican or democrat. I hope your Ok when Rand takes office.

        • Usedtobeyellerdawg

          You’re.

        • Jay B.

          If you are Rand-curious, you are a Republican. Or a libertarian Republican, since you think $1 MILLION DOLLARS is proof of anything other than a captive audience of rubes. The handful of places where he’s not boilerplate Republican, he’s hopelessly ineffectual, or its a position he’s about to ditch.

        • Kevin Talmadge

          Just wondering how that “Rand takes office is coming” LOL

    • secrippen

      Dream on. Hillary will wipe up the floor with Rand Paul. And then he’ll lose his temper…should be a thing of beauty.

  • Pat Reiland

    You scoff at a couple typographic errors and then come up with this blatant grammatical faux pas, “didn’t even have to hardly lift a finger”. Seriously, clean your own doorstep!

  • mtn_philosoph

    They forgot to include an avatar for the ever-popular “Stock Photo Models For [candidate].”

  • robbie gomes

    What trash! Oh, and while you are pontificating about proofreading the stuff Rand Paul’s staff posts on the Internet, you let this sentence from you slip through: “It is hard to words good on the internet!”

  • Slugger_McBuster

    How the fuck did I stumble onto this shithole of a “progressive” Democrat-fellating website?

    Proof-positive that Google conspires with the seediest, seamiest fringe-wacko leftist propaganda.

    Check out the heavy-handed and ham-fisted “satirical” tone — about as refined as a pie in the face.

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