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Practically President Already Ted Cruz spent most of last week sadding over the decision by Arkansas and Indiana to amend their gay-hatin’ bills to say “but we don’t really hate The Gay, wink.” At a campaign event in Iowa, Cruz talked about how disappointed he is that those states’ RINO governors decided to give in to The Gay Agenda, and he also worried that the Supreme Court is going to do the same thing later this year (which it is),  insisting again that the Court does not have the authority to do that:

“If the court tries to do this it will be rampant judicial activism. It will be lawlessness, it will be fundamentally illegitimate,” he said.

Fortunately, Cruz has a mighty fine solution for the Supreme Court’s lawlessness, which he first floated last October: a constitutional amendment stripping the Supreme Court of its right to issue decisions on marriage equality.

He’s also got another plan he introduced in Iowa, which should work:

“Every one of us is concerned about the Supreme Court’s gay marriage decision likely coming in June,” he said. “The first thing and I think the most important thing every one of us can do, is pray. Lift up in prayer.”

But in case he and his followers are unable to pray the Court away, a little tweaking to the Constitution to uphold those “constitutional liberties” he’s so fond of ought to do the trick. None of this would be necessary, of course, but for the Democratic Party’s partisanship — a line that got some very non-partisan applause:

“Unfortunately, the modern Democratic Party has elevated extreme partisanship, and in particular, this is all part and parcel over the fight over gay marriage. And because of their partisan desire to mandate gay marriage everywhere in this country, they also want to persecute anyone who has a good faith religious belief that marriage is a holy sacrament, the union of one man and one woman ordained as a covenant by God.”

Cruz also trotted out some of his favorite catchphrases, like “stand with Israel” and “Common Core” (still not a federal law, but by golly, he’s still going to repeal it when he’s president), and “conservative principles” and “all those other Republicans who wanna be president suck because they’re not me.” (That last one is slightly paraphrased. Slightly.)

As Think Progress notes, the idea of “jurisdiction stripping” is one social conservatives have flirted with for decades, because they think certain issues should not be decided by the courts, on account of how the courts always end up ruling against them, UNFAIR! So even though conservatives do not hesitate to run to the judicial system for help when it suits them — like, for example, Speaker of the House John Boehner’s lawsuits against President Obama for being president, or trying to sue away Obamacare — when the courts don’t side with them, it’s “judicial activism” and must be stopped and tort reformed.

Cruz also gave social conservative version of history to play the “religious liberty” drinking game. Again:

Religious liberty is not some fringe view. It is the basis of this country. America was founded by people fleeing religious persecution and coming here seeking the freedom to worship God with all of our hearts and minds and souls.

Yeah, that’s not exactly how we remember it from our U.S. History classes, but history has a liberal bias, so we’re probably wrong about that too. Besides, Ted Cruz’s dad was saved by Jesus and says America is a Christian nation of which his boy is destined to be president, and he’s obviously a better authority on the Constitution than some dumb unelected Supreme Court justices. And as Cruz noted in Iowa, “When you nationalize a federal solution, whether it’s Obamacare or anything else, you don’t allow differences.” And because certain states have a difference of opinion with Cruz — like how they do not believe that it is OK to legalize discrimination — that proves the need to strip the Supreme Court of its judicial authority and let the states decide, except for the states that decide wrong. In which case, those decisions really ought to be made by President Ted Cruz and his dad, don’t ya think?

[Dallas Morning News via Think Progress]

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  • Anarchy Pony

    The puritans founded the United States?

    • Nounverb911

      After they stole it from the Native Americans and the Vikings.

      • Gleem-McShinez

        Which group owned the gold plates and the hat? My guess is The vikings had the hat, they’re famous for those.

        • Villago Delenda Est

          The gold plates? Those were L. Ron Hubbard’s.

          • Querolous

            Nah it was some guy name Smith. Had something to do with cough-drops, later married an oil baron named Wesson.

        • BackDoorMan

          … I would say the Native Americans (especially the ones in the far South part of the continent) had the gold plates… and once they gave them up, they also gave up their lives. Oops.

      • Blank Ron

        Let’s not get ahead of ourselves here, begorrah!

        – Saint Brendan

  • MsAnthropesMr

    Ted Cruz has hit the nail on the head. The Democrats most certainly want to mandate gay marriage for every man woman and child in the US. No one will escape gay marriage. No one.

    • Yet somehow, I’ve managed to escape it. Fucking incompetent Democrats.

    • Peripatetic Poltroon

      I for one welcome our new fabulous overlords. I really need some help picking clothes.

    • david green

      But I don’t want to gay marry.

  • I side with Canadian Ted on this. Gay agenda throat-cramming would be so much easier without pesky things like the legal/political system getting in the way. Oh, sure, there’ve been some advances like anti-discrimination protections in some places, commandeering rainbow imagery, and (possibly) gay marriage everywhere by June. But we haven’t been able to enact any of the really important stuff – no mandatory butt sechs, no re-education camps for Christian bakers, and, most inexplicably, no changing our money to say “In Cher We Trust.”

    • SnarkOff

      Don’t forget mandating quiche for every child’s school lunch.

      • Boscoe

        -And pedophilia and beastiality, cause we all know that’s what this is REALLY all about. ;P

        • chicken thief

          And Downton Abbey offices for all House members! Oh, wait, he wasn’t gay…

    • mtn_philosoph

      Special issue $3 bills with the motto Novo homo sexulorem?

  • Nounverb911

    “Every one of us is concerned about the Supreme Court’s gay marriage decision likely coming in June,”

    “It’ll give me just enough time to divorce Heidi and marry Lindsey Graham in a June ceremony.”
    –Teddy Cruz

  • memzilla

    Does AstroGlide make a good throat-cramming lubricant? Of course, for Ted Cruz, I would recommend Tiger Balm.

    • Many lubricants have a bitter after-taste. … I’ve heard.

      • BloviateMe

        Only those from North Lubric, South Lubricants taste normal. I think it has to do with the difference in diet.

    • Gregory Brown

      Atomic Balm is much better.

  • JohnBull

    As an Iowan, I’m not sure what authority I have to cast the first-in-the-nation caucuses to an even more undeserving state, but please, someone take it. I beg you. We have at least six months of this asshole’s ads on TV to look forward to.

    • MsAnthropesMr

      Well, if you put it that way, I’m sure you’ll get zero takers.

  • BloviateMe

    Bold statements. I sure hope he got the OK from Tom Cotton before spouting off.

  • chicken thief

    Finally! A name for my new punk bank – fundamentally illegitimate.

    • SullivanSt

      A punk bank. Do the cashiers hand you your money with a fist to the face?

  • Lizzietish81

    You know who else believed in state’s rights?

    • Nounverb911

      Every state not having a FEMA sized natural disaster?

    • HITLER?
      ~

      • Blank Ron

        The rights of HIS Staaten, anyway.

    • Msgr_Moment

      Jeff Davis and the good ole boyz?

    • Boscoe

      Europe!

    • Jefferson Davis and Strom Thurmond?

    • BloviateMe

      Larry State, from accounting.

    • Cylons?

      • Msgr_Moment

        Man on toaster sex!

        • chicken thief

          Man on toaster? That’s shocking.

          • kindness

            Man on toaster? So hot it’ll burn yer buns. (turn down the setting buddy)

    • JohnBull

      Texas? Unless a smaller locality wanted rights, then nuts to that.

    • CapnFatback

      Michael Ian Black, Kerri Kenney-Silver, Thomas Lennon, Joe Lo Truglio, Ken Marino, Michael Showalter, David Wain . . . ?

    • SuspectedDemocrat

      The Beastie Boys believed in the state’s right to party.

  • Msgr_Moment

    and he also worried that the Supreme Court is going to do the same thing later this year…

    Those six guys in dresses and those the dames who aren’t home, making sammiches? Bitch, please.

  • SuspectedDemocrat

    Is he the first Presidential candidate promising to abrogate Loving v Virginia, or just the first one this year?

    • Msgr_Moment

      Virginia is for Loving?

      • SuspectedDemocrat

        Only because the state lost in court.

      • whatwhomever

        Not really.

  • Ever since the Barackalypse, Ted has worked tirelessly to make this country a place that his father would be proud to live in and one everyone else would want to leave.

    • chicken thief

      His dad is so proud now that he actually decided to join!

      • They’re trying to turn the republican party into a cottage industry. Do not google the word cottage ok. It’s enough that you know that you Rick Santorum will be heading that up.

    • Cuberly

      Yeah but daddy cruz is fickle, Cuba, Canada, USA, what’s next when he doesn’t get his way?

      Tortuga?

  • MrBlobfish

    I was at a jurisdiction strip joint on Friday. Scalia in a G-string and pasties is not for the faint-hearted.

    • Wonkaholic

      Nor is it for the visually unimpaired.

    • I find it very hard to fap to this. Or, for that matter, anything else for the rest of my life.

      • mailman27

        This could mark the day when fapping ceases to exist.

    • Gleem-McShinez

      Two drink minimum. Justice Thomas suggests a coke.

      • Mehmeisterjr

        Two drinks would not be remotely enough to deal with the sight of Scalia working the pole. I need a Noonan-style bender just to imagine it.

      • BackDoorMan

        … with a pubic hair on the side? (or the top, either way)

  • Tallmutha

    I can’t decide whether I’d rather have Ted’s rent-boy scandal erupt after he gets the nomination or now so I don’t have to think about this face ache anymore.

  • AngryBlakGuy

    …this is a TEXT BOOK example off “Butt Hurt”:

    “If the court tries to do this it will be rampant judicial activism. It will be lawlessness, it will be fundamentally illegitimate,”

    -if the REPUBLICAN dominated SCOTUS make gay marriage the law of the land then they are “judicial activist”
    -If the POTUS makes a decisive move, then he is a “Tyrant”
    -if the POTUS allows the REPUBLICAN led congress to evaluate a situation, then he is “Feckless”, “Indifferent” and “Leading from the back”!

    The Republican Party is not only a shadow of themselves but also a complete and utter embarrassment. No matter what the outcome, THEY are ALWAYS THE VICTIM!!!

    • wingr47

      Problem IS They are not embarrassed by any of the nonsense They spout where a sane person wouldn’t show Their faces.

      • david green

        And they keep getting elected…

  • Everhope

    I keep saying this, he looks like Joe McCarthy’s grandson.

    • SullivanSt

      “Tailgunner Jr” seems like a pretty good name for Winnipeg Ted.

  • Callyson

    “Every one of us is concerned about the Supreme Court’s gay marriage decision likely coming in June,” he said. “The first thing and I think the most important thing every one of us can do, is pray. Lift up in prayer.”

    OK:

    Dear God, please make the Supreme Court do the right thing for once and shut these fucking wingnuts up. Amen!

    • MsAnthropesMr

      Does prayer have the same effect when said silently, when said aloud, or when said via a non-existent comments page? Where’s a theologian when you need one?

      • Callyson

        I’ll gladly do one of each, just to make sure…

      • I think you’re supposed to be as demonstrative as possible and only do it when other people can see you. Otherwise why bother, right?
        ~

      • dslindc

        But then there’s the challenge of comments not being allowed.

        • chicken thief

          The fine print on TheOneTrueJesusofNazereth(dot)com:

          Comments not allowed.

      • BeckyLB

        I think Jesus said that when you pray, you’re supposed to do it on the street corner, because if you don’t pray in public nobody will know just how Christian you are.

        “But you, when you pray, go into your pizza place, invite a journalist, and pray to your Father who really hates gays, and your Father who sees what is done will reward you with a million dollars on GoFundMe.”

      • Everhope

        First, wrap your head in aluminium foil, turn on “Better Call Saul” and then, in the misty darkness of an oil fired lamp, while huddled in a circle, call on the Beast to wing your prayers to the ONE.

        • SullivanSt

          Foil-lined suit libel!

    • Everhope

      I think if you’re a true crypto-fascist Dominionist you’re supposed to end each prayer with “Amen & Amen.” I guess they think that god, being a particularly oldish kinda fella, is a bit hard of hearing, thus, the kindly repetition of “so be it.”

      • PubOption

        Just as long as they don’t mispronounce it as ‘aman and aman’.

        • Everhope

          Well, I think you are quite safe because if a Dominionist doesn’t know how to pronounce “Amen” then I’m quite certain that s/he will have to give back that nifty Bible decoder ring. Pretty serious stuff, that. These crypto-fascists don’t fuck around with stupid.

          • Blank Ron

            Though they seem fond of electing it.

    • Blank Ron

      Dear Callyson:
      Believe Me, if I could I would.
      Your fan,
      God

    • Baby_Raptor

      SCoTUS doing the right thing isn’t going to shut them up. It’s going to make them howl louder.

  • Everhope

    This is the kind of shit the republican’s run at the mouth to keep their hoodwinked voters hoodwinked as to what these people really are: the lapdogs of the plutocracy that pull their strings.

  • Callyson

    Unfortunately, the modern Democratic Party has elevated extreme partisanship

  • exinkwretch

    I would pray furiously 24/7 if it would cause a comet to smite that smug prick.

    • FlownOver

      This one, maybe?

    • Diz

      You’d be joined by a prayer circle of about 151 million.

  • chicken thief

    Ted is giving speeches? I thought we just went to Iowa to master deep throating corn dogs.

    ~ Michele and Marcus

  • Callyson

    “Because of their partisan desire to mandate gay marriage everywhere in this country, they also want to persecute anyone who has a good faith religious belief that marriage is a holy sacrament, the union of one man and one woman and ordained as a covenant by God”

    Again with the canard that following anti-discrimination laws = oppression?

    http://25.media.tumblr.com/49c35091e4d9d2716c7d32d7f0328f7a/tumblr_mj88inc4aw1rnzcl1o1_500.gif

    • Anarchy Pony

      Yes, but Dennis the peasant was being repressed.

      • dslindc

        If he went round saying he was an emperor just because some moistened bint had lobbed a scimitar at him, they’d put him away!

        • Anarchy Pony

          I thought we were an autonomous collective…

          • Blank Ron

            We’re living in a dictatorship!

    • Mediakyote

      “Anti-discrimination is a two-way street, my friends” – Ross Douchehat

  • dslindc

    My favorite Ted Cruz drinking game is to drink when Ted starts saying stupid shit and keep going until he stops.

    Related: I am not sober anymore.

    • Marceline

      By those standards, you haven’t been sober for years.

      • dslindc

        That seems accurate.

        • chicken thief

          If you can count ’em then I figure you’re ok.

    • MsAnthropesMr

      I’m surprised you’re even alive at this point.

    • Baby_Raptor

      How are you not dead from alcohol poisoning?

  • chicken thief

    Leading the cheers for Ted and begging GOP Iowans to give Cruz all their support was some old hag in a pants suit. Hotel records indicated her name was Clillary Hinton.

  • Ima Witstup

    Republicans are required to say “Democrat Party”, not Democratic. Makes you think he’s maybe not from around here?

  • Lefty Frizzell

    I can’t think of a scenario in which a “just god” would put the fix in with the supreme court but only if Ted Cruz prays for it.

    • SullivanSt

      Oh that’s easy: when god is just a figment of Ted’s imagination.

  • Biff52

    “I have never made but one prayer to God, a very short one: ‘O Lord make my enemies ridiculous.’ And God granted it.”
    //Voltaire

    • Blank Ron

      François-Marie would have had a big ol’ time with the Pubes, wouldn’t he?

      • mailman27

        Marie, eh? Just as I suspected.

  • Spotts1701

    See, everything will be just fine if we elect Ted Cruz Emperor-for-Life, Chief Mugwump of all laws and Canuck-at-Large for legislating them laws. Who needs those pesky three branches anyway.

    • leemoder

      One branch for Terrence, one for Phillip.

      There ya go!

  • chicken thief

    *yawning* Wake me when he gets to Benghazi, tax cuts, and time to bomb Iran.

    • PubOption

      Blessed are the peacemakers, for they shall upset the Republicans.

    • Ack Ack Ack

      *nudges chicken thief*

    • mailman27

      Louie G is waiting in the wings, polishing his arguments and his pointy head.

  • jmk

    Can the Repubs please just hold one really, really early primary so that this smirking assclown can just lose it and go away?

    • Lefty Frizzell

      I was just thinking “please, please please make him the nominee”.

      • jmk

        I think that nominating any of the current passengers in the clown car will bring the desired result… it’s just that this particular clown grates on me like no other.

      • Beaumarchais?

        I want Cruz as their nominee just to see John McCain’s face when he has to endorse him.

    • blaid droog

      that would be a tragic loss for wonkette.

  • Ack Ack Ack

    Cruz needs a mascot for this run. I’m thinking Panda. Panderer the Panda.

  • Herasmus B. Lyon

    Wait. The Dems are trying to mandate gay marriage? Does that mean I have to have a gay marriage even if I don’t want one? That changes everything.

    • Ack Ack Ack

      The ACA mandate was a slippery slope of mandates and man dates.

  • Poly_Ester

    Ted has principles? Who knew?

  • Toomush_Infer

    Hey, it doesn’t pay to hate on Ted, fukwad that he is – these people couldn’t tell Ted from a codfish (codfish are, of course, similar but better looking)…it’s their fukwad pastors in their fukwad churches, who are grifting them to the idea that God wants to turn all of America into their own theme park for FREEDUMZ….these are the guys & systems that should be infiltrated and outed for the fukwads they are…

  • TheBidenator

    I sincerely hope wingnuts pick this assclown in the general, the longer he goes the more he’s going to get attacked for being a complete asshole and for who knows what and that smirk will be wiped off of his face. Over all I see him out of there after New Hampshire…wingnuts may pick him in Iowa because they’re dumb even by conservative standards.

    • Paperless Tiger

      They haven’t had their Romney panic yet, when they decide a wingnut can’t win unless he’s a … a businessman! Yeah, that’s the ticket.

    • ahughes798

      I don’t live in Iowa but 15% of Iowans voted for Jesse Jackson back in the day, I recall. That’s pretty damn good for a state that’s 99.9% caucasian.

  • wingr47

    He hates the ACA but did not hesitate to sign up, saving 20%, when wifey took time off Her job and lost insurance. He wants to abolish the IRS but neglects to say How He will pay Congress and govt employees.

    • willi0000000

      exposure dollar$

      • Msgr_Moment

        Attention-whore diamonds.

    • SullivanSt

      Same way they already get paid: Bank of Koch.

  • AnOuthouse

    “the modern Democratic Party”
    Ted, its the ‘Democrat’ party. Get your insults right.

  • Baby_Raptor

    I’ve yet to understand how allowing SSM will completely destroy all sincerely held beliefs that Christians invented marriage and only god gets to dictate it.

    • Blank Ron

      You forget the time-tested explanation that has worked for them for decades, nay, centuries:
      ‘Because shut up.’

  • Jan Ness

    Is it just me but? I’m a little concerned that ppl would rather be at a fundraiser/rally with Cruz than their families on a holiday weekend…

    • Blank Ron

      They support Ted Cruz. We don’t even want them in the house.

      – their families

      • Jan Ness

        Hahaha

    • zerosumgame0005

      Take my familial Cruz-licker, PLEASE!

  • caitifty

    ““When you nationalize a federal solution, whether it’s [the military] or anything else, you don’t allow differences.”

    Guess you better get back to local militias only then, and stop spending half the federal budget on war toys.

    • Villago Delenda Est

      War toys are good for the economy and lots of hookers and blow for the executives of the war toy industry!

  • Villago Delenda Est

    Hmmm, this requires a bit of alteration to reflect reality (surprise!)

    America was founded by people fleeing religious persecution and coming
    here seeking the freedom to worship God with all of our hearts and minds
    and souls.
    persecute those who failed to believe EXACTLY as they did.

    There, fixed.

  • Guest

    The Reverend Ted “Ezekiel” Cruz hath spoken.

    • Toomush_Infer

      I believe you mean The Angle Rafael….

  • Blackest Noobs

    man does ted cruz have delusions of grandeur or what?

  • TrufflePig58

    Yeah, I remember that part of the constitution where it says that congress can pass a law but say the supreme court can’t touch it. That’s part of checks and balances, right?

    For people who claim the constitution is practically holy they don’t seem to know very much about it.

  • For people like Cruz, “judicial activism” simply means “a court decision we don’t like.”

  • OooShiny

    Cruz’s words sound familiar.

  • cinesimonj

    It’s amazing to me just how overtly, obviously dishonest Cruz is – and how right wingers lap it up.

    • willi0000000

      you need to get out more and meet a few wingnuts . . . then you won’t be amazed by anything.

    • cmb

      Palin in pants but just like with that (still smouldering) train wreck they’re mesmerized by the confident hate he exudes. They know he’s cruel enough to really make the poor, the gays, and all the rest of “them” pay.

    • blaid droog

      many wingnuts enjoy a nice warm steaming plate of scheisse.

  • chascates

    He needs to talk to Anita Bryant about being his veep.

  • Duke

    Can we cut the crap and vote for the dad? He’s the best!

  • azeyote

    the drinking game is way better with booze than the kool aid

  • Me not sure

    The authoritarianism is strong in this one.

    • Rick Hill

      He never got over that childhood argument with little Suzie next door. He was devastated when she exclaimed “You aint the boss of me!” and pushed him in the mud. Oh, Suzie and all the rest of you will find out one day, and one day soon. Revenge is a dish best served stone cold and you will all find out that Teddy is the boss of all of you and now you have to do what he says!

      • Left Coast Tom

        Stone cold poutine sounds even more unappetizing than poutine.

      • Me not sure

        That doesn’t explain the facial spasming. … Oh, he’s just talking.

  • Celtic_Gnome

    Yeah, fundies, get down on your knees and pray. That’ll take care of everything.

    Just keep in mind that your book says, “With God, all things are possible”, not “With God, all things are probable.”

    • cmb

      I can’t get over how their alleged “trust in the Lord” vanishes like clockwork whenever there’s the slightest chance to blame Obama, the gay agenda, or liberals for FoxNews’s daily poutrage.

  • DahBoner


    “The first thing and I think the most important thing every one of us can do, is pray.”

    I smell Dumb People.

    http://media1.giphy.com/media/yoJC2ybBpQifyekSyI/200w_d.gif

  • Last Hussar

    “America was founded by people fleeing not being able to persecute others in the name of their interpretation of religion.”

    There you go, added historic fact for you.

    • April

      Don’t forget freedom FROM religion.

    • blaid droog

      thanx. I was gonna say that. You saved me the bother..

    • Incoming Ham

      The pilgrims were so tedious the Dutch threw them out. THE DUTCH.*

      *Who can tolerate more tedious than they should.

      • Last Hussar

        What, the Belgians?

        • Incoming Ham

          Well played.

  • glennisw

    God, he is just loathesome!

  • Incoming Ham

    Okay, this is one of those things that steams my Ham. That asshole applied the term “persecution” to a bunch of whiney-ass pearl clutching religious bigots who are pissed they didn’t get their way.

    So, ONE MORE TIME.

    *Persecution*: Being killed with a machete for having a bible in your house. Being exterminated in camps because of your religion. Being killed by a suicide bomber at your place of worship because you aren’t the “right” sect of an established religion.

    *Not Persecution*: Being mildly chastised for views that don’t match the majority of your fellow citizens. Being called on creating laws that are blatant bigotry with a thin veneer of religion on top. Not getting your sneaky way when trying to control others to suit your religious beliefs, beliefs that are cherry picked from the old testament and as un-Christ-like as you can get.

    There endeth the lesson.

    Fuck him. WITH VOTES.

  • gem39

    We’re making bets around here. How quickly will we be at war with every non-Christian country in the world if Teddy Cruisemissle gets elected? Whatiyah thank?

    • handyhippie65

      i hope not. if he wins, i may be an ex-pat. hate to have my new digs bombed by ‘murica.

  • freakishlystrong

    The scarier part, (if there is one), is that those alleged “people” are just sitting there and not throwing shit at him.

  • Ted is a lizard. I feel the same way the gays do about Tom Cotton, you know he’s on your team but you don’t like the association.

  • SullivanSt

    “The first thing and I think the most important thing every one of us can do, is keep our smug punchable faces the fuck out of what those two dudes at the bar we’ll probably never see again in our lives do with each other at night and worry about our own damn marriage, which, unlike Adam and Bob’s, actually is our damned business.

    Fixed that for you, you bigoted motherfucker.

  • handyhippie65

    how is it not a violation of MY “religious liberty” to impose the rules, and morality of the christians upon me? how is that different than trying to impose the rules, and morality of the, oh, let’s say, the hindus upon christians? religious liberty applies to everyone. no one religion has the right to force non members to follow their rules, nor do they have the right to legislate them into law. in this country, religion only has power in it’s church, and congregation. not the public at large. i’d rather die fighting for my freedom, than live under a theocracy, no matter what the religion.

  • Scooter

    I think it should be mandatory that Ted Cruz has to participate in at least 50 debates because how much fun would that be?

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