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Ted Cruz is launching his first television ad this weekend — which just happens to be Passover and Easter, a coincidence, no doubt — and, and it’s called “Blessing,” and it’s really subtle!

Were it not for the transformative love of Jesus Christ, I would have been raised by a single mom without my father in the household. God’s blessing has been on America, from the very beginning of this nation. Over and over again, when we faced impossible odds, the American people rose to the challenge. This is our fight, and that is why I’m running for president of the United States.

See, Cruz’s daddy Rafael used to be a deadbeat drunk until he Got SavedTM, so he could be a good father and raise his son right and tell everyone his boy Ted has been hand-picked by God to be president, and also, this is a Christian nation for Christians only, praise the Lord!

In case the ad itself is a little too nuanced for you, please note: It will be running on Fox News, on Friday and Sunday, during its broadcast of the teevee movie “Killing Jesus.” It is based on the very important and historically accurate snuff book by Bill O’Reilly about how liberals killed Jesus, and everyone should watch it because otherwise, you are part of the secular progressive left’s war on Judeo-Christians.

This is a fantastic way for Cruz to reassure the Judeos he’s has been trying to woo — poorly, thus far — that when he talks about “religious liberty,” every five minutes, he’s talking about everyone’s liberty. Really he is, as long as they’ve discovered the transformative love of Jesus Christ. For those who haven’t, Cruz is here to remind you, this very weekend, it’s not too late.

[NYT]

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  • memzilla

    Ted’ll be Cruzified, but won’t rise from the dead. I would volunteer to roll the rock over the cavemouth, though… you can’t be too careful.

  • exinkwretch

    With a little luck (or maybe divine intervention) he would the problem of heathen countries like Canuckistan or Cuba. Excuse we while I stuff cotton in my ears to drown out the Bible-thumping.

  • Given that he looks like a 90-year old who has had at least 20 plastic surgeries, I was genuinely afraid his face would fall off when he bowed his head to pray (a la Paris Hilton in “Repo!: The Genetic Opera.”)

  • JustPixelz

    Were it not for the transformative love of Jesus Christ, I would have been raised by a single mom without my father in the household.

    Hear that sluts? Jesus HATES HATES HATES you.

    • Villago Delenda Est

      Well, that kinda is central to the program.

      • Everhope

        Hating sluts? No…that can’t be, Jesus? Can it? Speak, Jesus, speak. Look, if the Holy Spirit can whisper in the night to Billy O’Really(?), why can’t Jesus answer a simple question?

    • Thaumaturgist

      I get it that Ted honors his daddy.. But the 4th Amendment also says you’re supposed to honor your mommy. Where’s Ted’s mommy in all this?

      • Blank Ron

        Making sammiches, somewhere.

  • Christ, what an asshole!
    ~

    • Sheesko

      Hey! Actual assholes (or the kind that most of us have and use happily every day, with a side of Charmin) serve a purpose. This creep? Not so much.

      • Everhope

        He looks like Joe McCarthy’s grandson. “At long last…have you no shame?”

  • Tallmutha

    So the American people “rose to the challenge” over and over again, which proves God’s special blessing is on ‘Murica, unless it just proves that sometimes people rise to challenges.

    • JustPixelz

      My guess is the challenges were: the Civil War, the Great Depression, Jim Crow laws and Dubya’s presidency. All problems of our own creation. #ThanksGod.

      • sw19womble

        Subprime lending also, too.

  • GunToting[Redacted]

    I thought the Judeos killed the first Christian.

    • Sam Hain

      Video libruls killed the radio star, then they killed Jeebus…and Freedom.

      • Villago Delenda Est

        “Freedumb”. Ur spellin’s rong.

    • JoeChristmas

      I thought it was those pagan Romans!

    • Blank Ron

      Betcha a cookie that the first Christian killed the second Christian because the second Christian believed the ‘wrong’ things…

      • Vienna Woods

        Splitters!

  • Nounverb911

    When do they broadcast O’Reilly’s latest book?

    • JustPixelz

      I thought he was working on “Killing My Career” about his mendacity. HA HA JK. Fox has no journalistic standards so he can lie every day with impunity

    • Sam Hain

      “We’ll do it live…WE’LL DO IT LIVE, FUCK!!!”

  • JustPixelz

    In an orphanage in Mississippi a child is lamenting, Were it not for the transformative love of Jesus Christ, I could have been adopted by a same sex couple.

  • GunToting[Redacted]

    Hey Rafael… Jesus thinks you’re an asshole.

  • Nounverb911

    In related news, The Iowa Register is reporting that Heidi Cruz is buttonholing voters and contributions in Iowa’s ladies rooms.

    Heidi Cruz Flushes Out Votes

    • Zippy

      Well that’s creepy as hell

    • weejee

      Bet jokester Heidi was Saran Wrapping™ the toilet bowls.

    • Mr Corrections

      Wow. That story is amazing, in all the wrong ways.

    • OneYieldRegular

      Talk about needing a law to prevent someone from following you into a restroom…

    • Vienna Woods

      You can’t make shit like this up.

      • Blank Ron

        Why would you even WANT to?

  • Sam Hain

    Still waiting for Cruz to show us his signs of the stigmata #TedCruzshowusyourStigmata.

    • sundaytrucker

      Somehow I think “blood on his hands” won’t come from a Divine source.

      • Ergoetal

        Bingo.

    • weejee

      Think in Ted’s case, that beast will just be rolling 6s.

    • Everhope

      That might be a long time coming…Teddy is a stigmata.

    • Blank Ron

      If he doesn’t have any, can we supply them?
      … yes, yes, votes etc.

      • Msgr_Moment

        Paper ballot cuts

  • Bill Slider

    Little known fact Senator Cruz, you need to conduct tours of the Holy Lands if you want to be the most Christian of Christians and run for President.

    • weejee

      Teddy should make like Jude and see all the top spots in Mesopotamia, like Takrit and Mosul.

  • FauxAntocles

    If he’s going to take top billing, he has to at least walk on water.

    • Nounverb911

      C’mon Ted, If Chance the Gardener can do it, so can you.

  • cousin itt

    That ad is whiter than a polar bear in a snowstorm.

    What do you mean, what is a polar bear?

    • weejee

      Hear they’re using camo and SPF80 to hide.

    • Ergoetal

      A big, furry, all-white bear that used to live in far-northern climes, before the ice all melted. Now there are just two in existence, in the Koch Family Remembrance Zoo. They basically fuck 24/7, but so far haven’t produced any offspring. It’s possible they’re gay.

      • Everhope

        Who, the Cocks…wait…Kochs, right?

  • weejee

    you are part of the secular progressive left’s war on Judeo-Christians

    Yup, so we are. Mrs. weejee and I will be at an annual Easter beer hunt. There will be an egg hunt for the younger kiddos and egg drop contest for older kiddos, But searching the bushes and barns for micro-brews is totally spiritual – almost zen-like.

    • eggsacklywright

      There’s gotta be a Bunny Hop IPA out there somewhere.

      • Villago Delenda Est

        I suspect it will be overhopped, which seems to be the fashion nowadays.

        • eggsacklywright

          Man, you got that right.

          • Msgr_Moment

            It’s too hip to hop. Damn hipsters.

    • eggsacklywright

      Easter eggs: dyed for our sins.

  • eggsacklywright

    Mr. Gantry says what?

    At least Burt Lancaster was nice to look at.

    Senor Cruz is one weasel-faced fuck.

    • weejee

      Ted takes after a different Elmer…just sayin’

      • Villago Delenda Est

        “Be vewy, vewy quiet…I’m hunting blahs, mezkins, gays, wimmens, liebrals, atheists, Muslims, Hindus, and Joooooos.”

        • Blank Ron

          What a maroon!
          – Bugs

          • Msgr_Moment

            Twansfawmative wuv of Jeeezus…

      • riledupone

        And fortunately for us Canucks he took a right turn at Albuquerque (pronounced with a New Yawk accent).

    • Blank Ron

      Props for the Sinclair Lewis ref!

  • Tallmutha

    One significant difference between Ted and Jesus is that Ted made it into law school. Jesus didn’t–he got nailed on his boards.

    That’s dragging ’em in by the feet, but I try to tell that joke every year around this time.

  • topjob66t

    I am so thankful that around ten or twelve years of age it dawned on me that this god crap was … crap. Just for me mind you. Some really nice people have the faith. And that brings me to this whole GOP crap with Cruz and Pence and States going all bat shit crazy with legislation to mess over suspected slights on peoples rights to discriminate. And proselytize.
    Cruz is a phony. Pence and a Huck are hucksters. Too many negative words out there to describe those disgusting false what evers.

  • Callyson

    Already looking forward to the freak show 2016 GOP Presidential primary…

  • Christians, the reason food banks need to beg for donations to keep open and how bigoted pizza shop owners can become millionaires. Fuck em.

    • Villago Delenda Est

      Please. “Christians” with rabbit ears. There are actual Christians out there who pay attention to the text in red in the New Testament. You don’t hear about them much, because what they do doesn’t drive ratings for the vermin of the Village.

      • HogeyeGrex

        I think it was Driftglass that coined the term “Christopath” which seems to sum up the disease and make the distinction quite nicely.

      • Land Shark

        That’s the difference between faith and religion.

    • Msgr_Moment
    • Anarchy Pony

      Damn, I’m gonna print that out and laminate it.

    • handyhippie65

      any wonder why i left the church long ago. if you actually read the bible, it is the very definition of evil. any christian actually following what it says should be in prison for the good of the rest of us. religion has little to do with god.

  • weejee

    Ted needs moar Hymn 43.

    • r m reddicks

      Sitting on a park bench eying little girls with bad intent?

      • zerosumgame0005

        the kinds of things daddy Cruz and the Nuge do on Sunday mornings

      • eggsacklywright

        “There was a hush in the Passion Play…”

    • willi0000000

      when i used to commute, there was a guy who nailed a small “Jesus Saves” sign to a tree fronting on I95 . . . somebody took notice and nailed a slightly smaller sign under it that said “String”

      [i almost dropped the bike in a ditch i laughed so hard]

  • Callyson

    On the other hand…

  • OooShiny

    Finally. A brave Christian brave enough to bravely stand up for brave Christianity in these United States of Jesus.

    Because truly the multibillion-dollar Christian Industrial Complex of exclusively-Christian, tax-exempt, 24/7 TV and radio channels, thousands of online ministries, news sites, seminars, DVDs, YouTube videos, Hollywood movies, theme parks, billboards, street preachers, protests, bookstores, clothing stores, choirs, bands, pop music, musical award shows, bakeries, pizzerias, camps, daycares, preschools, kindergartens, schools, homeschools, colleges, D.C. lobbying groups, PACs pushing Christian candidates and millions upon millions of churches is proof that Christians truly are persecuted and tremble in fear of speaking out in America.

    • topjob66t

      Exactly. What you said. And the new millionaire out of business pizza store owner.

    • Ex_Canuck

      Nicely put – their hypocrisy knows no bounds. By the way, the bakers of the lousy Indiana pizzas are up over $800K now – as good a scam as any in the CIC.

  • JoeChristmas

    This is the best Zombie Jesus Eve present evah!

  • Everhope

    Jesus, Jesus, all the time, vote for Teddy he’s our kind!

    Yes, that’s right Christians, I say, now you say: Jesus, Jesus he’s our kind, Vote for Teddy, he’ll surly shine.

    Sorry, saw “The Book of Morman” last night, I’m still shaking to the tune of Gen. Buttfucking Naked.

  • OneYieldRegular

    Deadbeat? But wait, I thought Ted Cruz’s dad was a brilliant scientist, who taught him that Barack Obama was born in Kenya.

  • Jack

    Is he running for president or Defender of the Faith?

    By couching his campaign in explicitly Christian terms, he’s telling all the non-Christian Americans (and there are millions of us) he considers us second-class citizens. Fuck that shit.

    • topjob66t

      That is precisely why he will never be in the White House. Not even on a tour.

      • House0fTheBlueLights

        So why is he doing this? He can’t be that clueless.

        • Villago Delenda Est

          Benjamins. All about the Benjamins.

        • SighSperling

          $$$

        • topjob66t

          Ask yourself this: How did a pizzeria get a 3/4 mil dropped into their laps less than the fees.
          What the fuck why not ask what those fees are.
          It is grifting that embarrasses most humaans but not them.

    • sw19womble

      I would have thought that Lord Protector of the Commonwealth (of The United States Of America) was more up his alley.

      • Vienna Woods

        I always thought Cromwell was a sack of hypocritical shit.

        • badphairy

          Dangit, Oliver or Thomas!

          • Vienna Woods

            Oliver, Lord Protector of the Commonwealth.

    • Anarchy Pony

      Good, I hope he says it louder and louder til everyone realizes what a christo fascist piece of shit he is.

      • Blank Ron

        It will never be everyone, as long as there’s idiots who think they aren’t included in that number.

        • Anarchy Pony

          Yeah, I know…

  • Rufus T. Firefly

    “Were it not for the transformative love of Jesus Christ, I would have been raised by a single mom without my father in the household.”
    And you would’ve turned out far better in that alternate reality.

    • glennisw

      Yeah. Maybe he’d have empathy.

      • Villago Delenda Est

        Seems to have worked for Bill Clinton.

    • Gil

      Yeah. But Jesus’ father wasn’t in the household.

  • Mehmeisterjr

    What is worse than a deadbeat drunk? A deadbeat sober God-botherer with delusions of grandeur.

    • sw19womble

      The son who believes every word of cognitive dissonant bullshit that pours out of the mouth of his deadbeat-sober-God-botherer-with-delusions-of-grandeur father?

      • unionthuggery

        The fuckwit voter that hangs on every word the son who believes every word of cognitive dissonant bullshit out of his deadbeat-sober-god-botherer-with-delusions-of-grandeur father’s mouth when he regurgitates that same cognitive dissonant bullshit.

      • Gil

        Is this all that unusual? I mean look at Dubya……

        • sw19womble

          Bush Sr was merely scornful of broccoli – not vegetables in general. :p

  • OrdinaryJoe

    Fortunately, ‘Merika ain’t falling for that smart ass minority kid who may or may not be a natural born citizen with an alien father and white mother, Ivy League educated Harvard Law Review punk who never held an executive job in the private sector bull shit again.

  • Villago Delenda Est

    This man (and his whackaloon father) would burn the Constitution if he thought he could get away with it.

  • JoeChristmas

    Single motherhood: It’s this election cycle’s 47%.

  • glennisw

    Sanctimonious sociopath.

  • House0fTheBlueLights

    Can someone explain to me how this is a strategy for running for President. Is there something else going on here? Because even the wingnuttiest wingnut national politician can possibly think this goes past Iowa and the southern primaries. Please tell me what he is actually running for.

    • Villago Delenda Est

      He’s running for all that sweet, sweet money that the dumbshits will send him. This is an old, established grift in this country. Other contemporary practitioners include Sarah Palin, Billy Graham, Benny Hinn, Newt Gingrich, and gay-hatin’ pizza joints in Indiana.

    • topjob66t

      The American Psychiatric Association published the latest edition of its manual on mental disorders in 2013, and narcissism isn’t in it! Hope the editors will review Cruz’s behavior and include it next time.

      And what Villago said. He’s a grifter.

    • Blender_415

      +11 – Yep, I don’t get it… but since I live in the reinforced social conclave of SF, I only have to deal with these types of people via their various antics that I watch on the internetz… and that’s terrifying enough that there are actual entire regions IN MY OWN COUNTRY that I’ll never, ever, ever go, for fear of being shot/hung by religious/racist fanatics.

      • Gil

        And you would be. That’s the charm of Appalachia !!! Dueling banjos playing here.

    • Michael Christian

      Besides the money raising angle, he will probably pull everyone else further to the right. This is probably good for the ego of Ted, but will likely ensure republican defeat.

    • riledupone

      He makes the rest of the comedy troupe look less extreme, therefore more electable, in theory. Plus moniez.

  • Both of Ted Cruz’s parents were married with two young daughters each when they met and began their adulterous affair.

    They eventually divorced their respective spouses and got hitched, but not before Ted was born out of wedlock.

    His drunk parents had multiple affairs while they were married and they too divorced, leaving five (or more?) kids in their wake.

    Ted Cruz’s immediate family history isn’t blessed by God or touched by Christ — rather, it’s depressingly pedestrian, and a stark reminder that selfish asshole-ism is all too often hereditary.

    • Biff52

      This needs traction.

      • glasspusher

        Dude, don’t you know? If the guy is from your party, you can gloss over all the faults…

        • Blank Ron

          And if he’s a Republican, they’re either delightful personality quirks or fabrications by the Lying Libriul Lamestream Media.

          • glasspusher

            you know, in all seriousness, someone isn’t accountable to what their parents did. None of us is perfect, either. To spin the whole thing into unicorns and rainbows, I mean, invisible sky guy, on the other hand, is nuts. Then again, when you’re pandering to that base, I guess you go the nuts route. Certainly Bill Clinton came from a pretty rough home. Obama was raised by a single mom, so there, Ted…

          • Amen, brother.

            Clinton and Obama ultimately chose to embrace the messy details of their respective upbringings in an effort to connect and humanize, whereas Cruz has chosen to erase the messy details of his in an effort to deflect and lionize.

            It’s one thing to perhaps cynically shape a politically advantageous creation myth about one’s self; it’s something else entirely to do so while self-righteously spelling “creation” with a capital ‘C’.

          • Rykko

            Hi glass, just checking in on that double blind test on Gog and Magog or were you just being blindly sarcastic?

    • TheBidenator

      Preach! Although, this does explain Rafael Sr. being such an asshole presently….seriously though, what a family of dickheads.

      • Villago Delenda Est

        SMALL dickheads. The compensation overdrive of these twits is something to behold.

  • AlanInSF

    So Cruz’s dad would have been a dissolute, irresponsible jerk, if left to his own devices. Kudos, Dad Cruz! That’s a very touching story.

    • badphairy

      It does underscore how they all think they need someone else in charge or they’d be horrible people. SURPRISE, they’re still horrible people!

  • malsperanza

    Speaking as a Judeo, I take this nice Passovery opportunity to tell the Christianists to leave us the fuck out of that sicko torture-worshipping narrative you got going. It’s just gross.

    • Mehmeisterjr

      Since you don’t have a hyphen after the “o,” I think you’re free and clear.

  • retiredeng

    Get taken for a ride. Ted Cruz isn’t running for prez. Just send all your money anyway.

    • Steverino247

      Good for Mad Magazine.

  • I have been assigned to hang on your wall for some time now and I am well aware of your no comment policy so I’m just saying. I know you want to punch him in the face. the force is strong, Think of your poor fist, it has brought you much pleasure and now you would do this to it. Just don’t, your fist will pleasure you in your bunk later for this.

  • TheBidenator

    What a sanctimonious, pandering pile of rhinoceros vomit spewed onto baboon shit…that ad sucked, too.

  • Off topic, but because you would want to know, that shypixel guy is totally boning that lady in the cat suit. I approve, may you breed often and well.

  • Steverino247

    “Were it not for the transformative love of Jesus Christ, I could have been a contender. STELLA!!!”

    • Villago Delenda Est

      When I read this post, it’s in the voice of Ned Flanders.

      • Blank Ron

        So, ‘contendiddlyender’?

  • TrufflePig58

    So I figgered I google this Ted Cruz fella’s family history a little. What a lying liar who lies! Turns out his father did not flee Castro, but fled Batista in ’57. Turns out his dad was not a naturalized US citizen until ought-five.Turns out the transformative power of the love of Jebus skipped right over his half sister. But I’m sure Teddy helped as much as he could! Turns out that Jebus only had enough transformative power to save his parents’ marriage until Teddy got through law school when they finally divorced.

    Well, maybe none of these are outright lies. Just maybe a bit, I dunno, hypocritical.

    http://www.mcclatchydc.com/2015/04/01/261783/ted-cruzs-family-story-poignant.html

    http://trailblazersblog.dallasnews.com/2011/10/ted-cruz-background-as-son-of.html/

  • diogenez

    A face only Jeebus could love.

    • Blank Ron

      You’re kidding, right?
      – Jeebus Jesus

  • If only Fidel had had the decency to shoot Rafael when he whined and complained about not getting a big sugar plantation when the Revolucion won.

  • RoyalUglyDude

    Everyone knows Passover is the Jewish Easter.

    • Blank Ron

      Ooh, thanks for reminding me, I need to refresh the lamb’s blood on the door posts. No, I’m not Jewish, and this isn’t Egypt (though funny story, the village of Cairo’s just down the road) but why take chances?

      • Celtic_Gnome

        Seriously, it’s not like you can expect an omniscient being to know who to save and who to fuck over without the iron age equivalent of a neon sign.

  • BillWestern

    Dammit! I was planning on some lovetime later on, now this is seared into my brain….

  • Me not sure

    Nice way to hang out the family’s dirty laundry asshat. I guess nothing takes the edge off of Daddy’s lifelong bender like a couple of quarts of Judas’ Priest Malt Liquor.

  • SadDemInTex

    OT (sorta) I was taking an Uber car in Ft. Lauderdale and my driver was a wonderful friendly fellow from Santo Domingo (also very well educated). I asked him what he’d heard from the Cubans in South Florida regarding Obama’s tiny opening for us. He said that all the young Cubans were excited and happy. The older group had the usual b.s. reasons to hate it. What was really interesting , he told me, was that one of the main reasons that the Batista crowd hated Fidel was because his mother was black. And in fact that all the people who were fighting with Fidel were the Cubans of a darker hue. The Batista crowd were very racist and considered themselves to be purer than the darker Cubans.

    • cmb

      Galileo’s Rafael’s father fought for Fidel, no?

      • SadDemInTex

        That is my point. If you look at Ted’s photo ops with his family he looks lily white. I think his father has kept this aspect of his Cuban backround deep in denial. . But then so are 1/3 of all the people who identify as white on their census forms in the US. Anthropological DNA research has shown that number (I think it translates into 74 million people) have DNA from a 100% African ancestor who was alive in 1880. This shouldn’t matter because we are all just humans but in the racist bigoted circles that Teddy courts for money and status I think it does matter.

    • janecita

      Your Dominican friend is wrong about Fidel’s mother, she was a poor, very white maid that married her Spanish employer after his first wife died. Most of Fidel’s followers were white, my grandfather was one of them.

      • janecita

        Fidel’s mom, Fidel, Camilo and some of the Barbudos (bearded ones)

        • SadDemInTex

          South of our one drop rule borders the term black and white are very fluid. I will attach a picture of a story from “The Legal History of the Color Line”

          • janecita

            By the way, we definitely don’t have that problem in Cuba. If you are black, you don’t deny it, you embrace it. Dozens of songs have been written about the beauty of the Cuban mulatas. I, personally, never saw racism until I came to this country.

          • SadDemInTex

            I believe you…but wasn’t that partly because of Fidel and his compatriots? I thought the excerpt from the book I added shows how differently we think in the US as compared to ALL the islands and countries south of our borders. I recommend that you read the book. “The Legal History of the Color Line” by Frank W Sweet. I bought it on Kindle. It explains so much. you won’t regret it.

        • SadDemInTex

          This is a famous very blonde blue eyed star. Her father (who was kept a secret for many years) was African-American -her mother white. Just saying that a picture is meaningless. And the fact that it touches a nerve, interesting. The Batista people were very prejudiced against the dark skinned Cubans.

          • janecita

            It doesn’t touch a nerve, I speak about what I know. In my case, my grandfather’s parents were both basque. He served under Camilo Cienfuegos, who was the son of Spanish anarchists. There were many black people among the rebels, but the great majority was white. I should know, I grew up surrounded by a lot of them. Funny thing though, Batista was of mixed race. The old Cuban guard is very racist though. Not only against black people, but also against other Latin Americans. By the way, that’s a beautiful lady in the picture.

  • mikeinparis

    Sayeth the Canadian.

    • Blank Ron

      Hey, he knows that line of crap don’t play north of the border. Well, maybe in Alberta. And parts of London Ontario.

      • Vienna Woods

        ALL of rural SW Ontario, goddess help us.

        • Blank Ron

          Enh, not ALL of it. I’m lucky enough to inhabit a little enclave of something like sanity, where an animist and adherent of the Invisible Pink Unicorn (may Her holy hooves never be shod!) can get along quite nicely with the Baptists and Catholics and Pentacostals and Anglicans. Well, as long as I don’t, y’know, PUSH it at all, eh?

  • TootsStansbury

    Badly tuned oboe voice says what? This guy is a goddamn fascist. Who the fuck in our vaunted Free Press will call him on his bullshit?

    • Anarchy Pony

      No one. Our press is garbage, towing the corporate line. If the owners of the press don’t like the story, or think it will alienate viewers, it doesn’t get aired or reported.

  • Bitter Scribe

    Whenever these assholes talk about “overcoming impossible odds,” it’s a sure bet they have World
    War II in mind.
    Remind me again…who exactly was President during that war, which party did he belong to, and what was his legacy?

  • Celtic_Gnome

    What is that thing on his right jawline? And, is it going to be his running mate?

  • chascates

    Wrapped in the flag and carrying a cross.

  • Guest

    What a profound frickin inspiration. I am awed and humbled, not to mention numbed, by Ted Cruz righteous run for the GOP nomination for Jesus surrogate.

  • Guest

    Okay, so here’s the joke. Ted Cruz, Ted Cruz, and Ted Cruz walk into this bar….

    • Mehmeisterjr

      And the bar owner says, “Crap, I should have burned the joint down for the insurance money last week.”

      • Sheepshagger

        John Boehner? Is that you?

    • Mehmeisterjr

      And God says, “Annointed him? I never even met him!”

    • Mehmeisterjr

      And Cruz 2 says to Cruz 1, “Damn man, you’re the most self-satisfied prick I’ve ever seen.

      And Cruz 3 says, “Really? Look in the mirror, boys.”

  • so I was saying to my shop steward, why can’t I get a sweet job a red state, ever since management changed their republican business model to resemble a human centipede the shit just runs itself. Here is your conservative illuminati. you liberals got kim kardashians ass.

  • 3FingerPete

    I predict Ted will blow his wad early.

    • Anarchy Pony

      He kinda looks like Nixon in that photo.

  • Simplythefactsmam

    I want Ted to rock the GOP for every million he can. His chance of winning is zilch so I hope he’s their man for the Prez slot.

    As a mostly lefty, I love this guy for Prez.

  • DahBoner

    And you who else liked to give “Blessings”?
    http://media1.giphy.com/media/eUOoAz2OmSvxm/200w.gif

    • MrCanoehead

      Confused Pagan beekeepers?

  • riledupone

    Ted Cruz may approve of that message but I certainly do’t. Big harumph.

  • glasspusher

    that pic of Ted in the header is hands down the funniest shot of a politician I’ve seen in a long time. It wasn’t photoshopped, was it? If it wasn’t, I want to shake the hand of the photog who took it. Genius.

  • Alex Grey

    The frothy mix for VP please!!! I may even start to believe in a higher power if it gives us a Cruz/Santorum’16 ticket!

    • docroc

      I’m sure Palin wouldn’t say “no”

  • blaid droog

    the only outside light coming into my bed room is thru a set of NW facing glass doors. around 7:15 a rock rolled thru my doors. I hope my homeowner insurance thinks it was an act of gawd.

  • Larry Linn

    Ted Cruz is an Immaculate Mis-Conception.

  • Paperless Tiger

    It must be working, because, every time I read about what Ted is doing, I find myself saying say, “Jesus!”

  • Kevin Morin

    I’m starting to think the ancient Romans had the right idea how to deal with these @#$% “Christians.”

  • Paulo A. Brennan

    I so hope the republicans pick him for their candidate, then my 11 year old nephew could run and be president. Go dumb ted go.

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