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Mama really needs to get some air now, children.

Sometimes Peggy Noonan, long-suffering Mother Superior of the Order of the Nitrous Stupor, liked to take the air in Central Park. She would stroll along the Ramble and bring along some crusts of bread to feed the ducks at the lake. She might find a quiet bench to sit on, to watch the joggers and the cyclists and the mothers and nannies pushing baby carriages past on their endless constitutionals. She might look up at the grand buildings of Central Park West and imagine them all crumbling to dust in a holocaust of fire unleashed by Iranian nukes. The wind would howl along the avenues, destroying everything in its path. All those beautiful saloons and watering holes gone…

All because of that feckless blackamoor in the White House.

When he overcomes his reluctance to get involved, he picks the wrong place, such as Libya, where the tyrant we toppled was better than many of those attempting to take his place.

Something similar had happened in Iraq, where the toppling of that nation’s dictator by the last Republican president had unleashed civil war and bloodthirsty tribes out to erase each other from the face of the Earth. Not to mention the power vacuum created that allowed the Iranians to move in. What had she said about that invasion at the time? She couldn’t remember. Surely it would come to her.

Syria, red lines, an exploding Mideast, a Russian president who took the American’s measure and made a move, upsetting a hard-built order that had maintained for a quarter-century since the fall of the Soviet Union.

And after taking the small Crimean peninsula that Ukraine and Russia have been regularly passing back and forth since the middle of the nineteenth century, Vladimir Putin rolled his tanks across the rest of Europe while President Mom Jeans played his 2756th round of golf. So now what was he doing? Trying to make a deal with the Iranians! What kind of a president would talk to those savages?

The two most boring words in history are “nuclear proliferation.” Jimmy Carter made them so on Oct. 28, 1980, when, in a presidential debate, he announced that his 12-year-old daughter, Amy, had told him that the great issue of the day was the control of nuclear arms. America laughed: So that’s where the hapless one gets his geopolitical insights.

Luckily the man who defeated Jimmy Carter disagreed! And so nuclear proliferation was never an issue in the 1980s, world without end, amen.

None of the reporting out of Lausanne has suggested that a helpful agreement would emerge. Tuesday’s deadline for production of a basic framework was missed; on Thursday, a framework, the contents of which were not revealed, was announced.

Perhaps she should double-check that last assertion before her deadline? Eh, the monkey with a head injury who edited her column every week would surely be on top of it.

President Obama is not known as a good negotiator. He and his White House have given the impression that they want a deal too much—they need the win. It isn’t good when you let the people on the other side know how much you need it.

She briefly marveled at the idea that she, one of the great Reagan acolytes and defenders of his legacy, would criticize a president for giving away the proverbial store to the Iranian mullahs. But she shook it off and continued carving her column into the splintered wood of this Central Park bench.

Meanwhile, the goddess Irony was busy piloting an airliner nose-first into the French Alps.

“Our policy…should not be Obama-style capitulation or Bush-style war,” but increasing political pressure through increased economic sanctions. More than 70% of Iranians are under age 30, Ms. McFarland noted. “How long will they tolerate being ruled by a handful of 80-year-old mullahs who have pushed their economy into free fall?”

The last time those young people rose up against the mullahs, it all went swimmingly for them. Surely the U.S. would step in and help, which is in no way the terrible idea it was a mere six years ago during the Green Revolution.

In the end he should toughen the sanctions and wait out the mullahs. No one in America would be angry. Most would think “Wow, if he walked, it must have been a terrible deal—give him credit for trying!” Everyone else would be relieved.

That would enhance his foreign-policy legacy. That would be a win.

And if he left the Iranian problem for his successor, surely no one would criticize him for it or demagogue about it during the 2016 election. And if his successor just happens to be one of the bomb-happy crazy people running for the Republican nomination, or the brother of the president who started the war that allowed Iran to increase its influence in the Middle East in the first place, why, that was just a fortunate coincidence for her party.

She squinted at the words she had carved into the bench, then stood and wandered back toward the edge of the park, to the streets where she might find a pay phone. Her monkey editor was going to have to come down here if he wanted to read her column today.

[WSJ]

 

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  • Zippy

    Pro tip: don’t try to walk around while doing NO2. In fact, don’t even try to do it while standing up

    • Me not sure

      Better yet, don’t leave the rubber padded room.

  • Nounverb911

    When does the Peggster remember that her beloved Saint Ronald sold 5000 missiles to Iran? Or has she finally caught the Rayguns disease and forgotten everything?

    • Zippy

      IOKIYAR

    • Me not sure

      Actually 1500 Hawk surface to air missiles I believe. At the same time Rummy was selling chemical warfare agents to their enemy Iraq. See, it all evens out. American death for all.
      I guess that’s why they like us so much.

      • kindness

        And aircraft parts for all the F-16’s we had sold them when we were friends.

        • Me not sure

          “TOP GOON!’

        • Villago Delenda Est

          F-14s, actually, but what’s a couple of model numbers off between friends?

          • bobbert

            Eh, we probably sold them F-16 parts. Psych!

  • whatwhomever

    Having seen her columns before, I can attest that some creature less competent than a brain damaged monkey does the editing.

    • Nounverb911

      Rupert Murdoch?

      • Gil

        Bonzo ? I think he ” passed”.

        • Me not sure

          I’ll Take “Nancy Reagan, with a Ouija Board” for $500, Alex.

  • crunchyknee

    They serve gin in the park now?

    • Nounverb911

      Yes, by the carousel.

      • Me not sure

        Is a carousel some kind of very large glass? If so, Nooners is in.

    • Msgr_Moment

      We have a daiquiri bar in ours, but we’re godless commies over here.

  • Nounverb911

    When Peggy gets lost in Central Park, do they issue an Amber Alert or do they use some other color?

  • Zippy

    it’s amazing that the same goobers who worship the guy who sold heavy weapons, including missiles, to Iran now can’t shut up about the guy who is trying to prevent Iran from developing even more weapons. Of course, back then they were totes OK with a president negotiating with an arch
    foe like the USSR, someone who actually does have thousands of nukes, as well as Illegally selling WMDs to our enemy to illegally finance nun murdering, genocidal RW thugs in order to overthrow the democratically elected leftist government in Nicaragua- that was different…

    • Nounverb911

      IOKIYAR

    • Arnnmann

      Only Nixon could go to China.

      Only Reagan could negotiate with the Soviets and sell weapons to the Iranians.

      Only Bush could . . . Oh, hell.

  • AngryBlakGuy

    “Obama is not known as a good negotiator. He and his White House have given the impression that they want a deal too much—they need the win. It isn’t good when you let the people on the other side know how much you need it.”

    …that’s a funny statement considering:

    -He got Syria to turn over all of their chemical weapons
    -Managed to reopen diplomatic ties with Cuba and in the process secured the release of an American who had been imprisoned for 7 years
    -Struck a Nuclear deal with Iran that 2 previous presidents couldn’t do
    -Pretty much stole the Republicans lunch money on the debt ceiling showdown
    -Is currently crippling the Russian economy with sanctions over their occupation of Crimea
    -Kicked the Republicans collective asses in the Homeland Security showdown
    -Oh yeah, and he is practically daring Republicans to send him a budget full bull shit, just so that he can slap it back in their faces

    Seems like a pretty FUCKIN good negotiator to me!!!

    • the_steamer

      And don’t forget passed a sweeping health care reform bill Congress and Presidents found impossible for nearly 40 years before him.

    • Vecciojohn

      What have the Romans ever done for us?

      • Msgr_Moment

        Splitter!

      • glasspusher

        Srsly. Fuck those numerals

    • Villago Delenda Est

      Reality means nothing when you see everything through the bottom of a highball glass.

      • glasspusher

        She’s a besotted queen of the ruling class/
        who’s best friend floats in the bottom of a glass

    • Mehmeisterjr

      Ah, but you have to deduct fifty points for aggravated negritude.

      • Blank Ron

        And another fifty for uppitiness.

        • Me not sure

          And that wife of his, I mean!

          • JustaSlob

            (Huckabee voice) AND THOSE daughters…have you seen the way they dress?????? Sure my kid hung a dog but damn man…..

          • Me not sure

            My dog was hung, but I had him fixed, so now it doesn’t matter.

          • bobbert

            Yes. I mean, also, too.

    • Me not sure

      I wouldn’t play poker with him.

      • Mehmeisterjr

        Neither would I. I wouldn’t play chess with him either but I’d have a beer with him.

        • Me not sure

          One for me pleeze!

          • Mehmeisterjr

            “Mr. President, a round for my friend.” (Not a line I am likely to deliver in real life.)

        • bobbert

          Actually, I’d be delighted to play either poker or chess with the man. It would be interesting.

          • OrdinaryJoe

            i’m in.

          • Mehmeisterjr

            For me, it would be interesting to the extent I could preserve the degree of objectivity necessary to observe my ass being kicked up hill and down dale in any game that does not involve excessive alcohol intake.

    • bobbert

      Oh, FACTS. What’s your point?

    • Jared James

      All of that would count, but he is a) not Republican, and b) not Reagan, so really, what has Nobummer done in office? NOTHING.

      How we Libturds can continue defending this uppity nobody whose never held a Real Jerb, I have no idea.

  • Me not sure

    If nuclear proliferation were an issue during Reagan’s era maybe those lovely Pakistanis wouldn’t have the bomb.

    • bobbert

      Interesting how everybody sort of forgets that, from the Iranian viewpoint, it’s not just Israel that has nukes.

    • Jared James

      Reagan wanted to make his second term about the end of nuclear weapons.

      He wasn’t capable of making it about that, but that was what he wanted.

      • Me not sure

        I know he said that. He also said he would balence the budget within two years of taking office and end draft registration for 18 year old males. None of that happened. In his lst term nuclear prolferation got worse and by his second several nations were taking tentative steps towards a weapons program. The old guy said a lot of high minded shit that he never delivered on.

  • Bill Slider

    A pay phone in Central Park, where has she been? Everyone knows pay phones are the choice of drug dealers everywhere. Consequently, the phone companies and police departments have removed pay phones and replaced them with Clean up Ater Your Dog Poopey Stations complete with plastic bags. They could be used for weekly WSJ columns as well, I guess. Poop without the oder.

    • Gil

      In your wildest dreams, you figure she can tell the difference between the pay phone stand and the poopey station ?

      • Villago Delenda Est

        After being in close quarters with her and having to inhale the same atmosphere as she exhales into, anything is possible.

        • nothingisamiss

          Really? Doooooo tell.

      • deanbooth

        “Hello, operator? I appear to be disconnected.” * puts poop up to her ear *

  • Beowoof14

    Oh the gibberish one can write after a liter of Three Olives.

  • mailman27

    Calling this bullshit intellectually dishonest is an insult to intellectual dishonesty.

    • dshwa

      Dame Noonan is frequently “Not even Wrong.”

  • cousin itt

    So, the Darthessa of Spin and Gin now remarks, “It isn’t good when you let the people on the other side know how much you need it.”

    Have to admit, she would know what it’s like to beg across the counter for just one more bottle, on house credit.

  • dslindc

    Dslindc reads post, finds comments not allowed, comments anyway . . . and would prefer that Peggy’s editor Monkey write her column in the future for more fact-based content.

  • Mehmeisterjr

    The WSJ should find a more nearly-competent monkey with a head injury than the one they have assigned to Her Altissima the Dowager Ronnie Fluffer. Their current monkey with a head injury is simply not up to the task.

  • Joshua Norton

    Her monkey editor was going to have to come down here if he wanted to read her column today.

    Nooney-Tunes will later found be sitting alone at the end of the bar, near the spittoon, slurring “Bartender a double Stoli, no olives and put it on somebody else’s bill, Por Favor?”

  • actor212

    I’m so pissed at her. I offered to share my Ripple with her and the bitch drank the whole thing!

  • Villago Delenda Est

    Meanwhile, the goddess Irony was busy piloting an airliner nose-first into the French Alps.

    And turning on the afterburners.

  • Spotts1701

    The two most boring words in history are “nuclear proliferation.”

    I thought they were “Noonan speaks”?

    • Villago Delenda Est

      Well, admittedly if you happen to be a ground zero when a Freedonian nuke is detonated, you won’t have much time to be excited or bored.

    • SigDeFlyinMonky

      She sure ain’t no Garbo….

      • Mehmeisterjr

        “Gimme a whisky, gin on the side, mixed with a Harvey Wallbanger, a Singapore Sling, a Manhattan, and a Pabst Blue Ribbon chaser and don’t be stingy, baby!”

        LATER EDIT: I forgot the vodka! Surely Manuel could have added some vodka for mama.

  • sohadicouldsplit

    Peggy goes for “walks” you see
    When liquor store delivery
    Refuses trips that exceed three
    Per day, per day, per day.

  • weejee

    Libya, where the tyrant we toppled was better than many of those attempting to take his place

    Dame Stumbledowndrunkington, you should tell that to the families of those on Pan Am Flight 103 that was blown to bits over Lockerbie, Scotland.

    • Me not sure

      If a Republican doesn’t get them they become no biggie.

      • weejee

        Like Nobummer getting Osama doesn’t count?

        • Me not sure

          Prezactically!

    • Mehmeisterjr

      Muammar Gaddafistalgia. Pegs, you are truly an original , no what’s that other phrase, “a cheap paid-for-by-the-hour” hack?

    • smitallica

      Yep. Qaddafi was so harmless, her own boss Reagan bombed his house and (allegedly) killed his two-year-old daughter.

  • JustaSlob

    She ain’t dead yet?

    • Amy!

      Could be. Alcohol content is so high that hostile bacteria and such haven’t a chance to initiate the process of decay.

    • bastalready

      I hope you’re someplace warm and enjoying the sun…signed art teacher friend

  • Portia McGonagal

    It’s tricky with Peggy. She’s either too drunk or not drunk enough. Not a lot of middle ground.

    • M H

      One would think, with all that practice, she’d learn how to surf a nice day-drinking buzz.

      • Mehmeisterjr

        It’s not as bad as it seems.

        The brain-damaged monkeys are so less reliable these days.

  • kindness

    If Peggers VonNooningham hit her head and got a concussion and then wrote a column, how would we know?

    We wouldn’t. Her columns barely make any sense as it is.

  • Roscoe79

    there should be term limits for pundits…sure, the next one will be awful too, but you keep away from complete stasis

    • Mehmeisterjr

      She reached the Pegler line of booze-fueled demarcation long ago.

  • Gleem-McShinez

    Most would think “Wow, if he walked, it must have been a terrible deal—give him credit for trying!”

    Yes, just think about how many times people like Peggy Noonanite has given Obama credit for simply trying, even if he failed.

    This premise is totally believable!

    • Mehmeisterjr

      It’s really white of her, as she might say of herself.

  • OneYieldRegular

    In the end he should toughen the sanctions and wait out the mullahs.

    Like that’ll work. I mean, take Pat Robertson. We’ve been waiting out Pat Robertson forever, but that guy is like Nosferatu – he’ll be 900 years old and the rest of us will have been in the grave for centuries.

    • Me not sure

      Even if you’re dead, he still wants his $700.

    • Mehmeisterjr

      Robert Schuler kicked off this moral coil the other day, so there is hope. The question is whether, in the Schuler or Armstrong manner, the operation will collapse in a welter of family feuds or if it will continue to create mischief and confusion for generations, like the Franklin Graham succession or the Elron stuff.

      Either way, I am watching for entertainment value.

      • bobbert

        Yeah, but Schuller must have been at least 147. At least, it seemed like that long. And Pat Robertson will never die.

  • Gleem-McShinez

    In the end he should toughen the sanctions and wait out the mullahs.
    No one in America would be angry.

    If you read between the lines, you can actually hear when her head hit the sidewalk.

    • Sheepshagger

      Look the republicans have a nuanced, inclusive approach to the issue. It runs all the way from “traitor” to “Manchurian candidate”.

    • Mehmeisterjr

      No, of course nobody would be angry as is demonstrated by the remarkably restrained, nuanced and reasonable approach that His Uppity Duskiness has received heretofore.

  • beatbort

    Carter is “the hapless one” and Gadaffi was a “good” dictator? She is not wasted on drink and drugs. She’s a fucking idiot. And they let her dribble these thoughts into the Wall Street Journal? Are we sure it’s not scribbled in chalk on a Wall on the Street in front of her brownstone?

    • Me not sure

      “… and that nice Mr. Hitler, FDR got him all wrong.”

      • Mehmeisterjr

        Prescott Bush knew how to handle persons such as himself. Why, oh why, haven’t we people like that, strong yet controlled, rather than the presumptuous darklings now at the helm? Perhaps another little martini-poo would elucidate the situation?

    • M H

      To be fair, I think the monkey-editor cut her parenthetical qualification on the Gadaffi statement “although, I liked him better before the nose job.”

      • Mehmeisterjr

        To be even more fair, the WSJ has always been a crap paper. Other than printing the correct opening and closing NYSE prices for stocks back when that meant anything, all of its “financial journalism” has been wrong, wrong, wrong on a Bill Kristol level of wrong, useful only as fodder for contrarianism. They used to have halfway decent coverage of the New York theater and musical scene but I can’t be bothered to read even that since the Murdoch takeover.

        So, basically, a good place for primates who have survived invasive lab experiments to get editing gigs.

  • Blender_415

    Nitrous libel!

  • smitallica

    Yep, that’s it, Peggy. Obama should’ve just walked away and waited out the mullahs. Because that has worked like a charm for the previous four Presidents. You dipsomaniacal has-been.

  • TootsStansbury

    Poor Pegington. She’s going to be exhibiting meth mouth soon.

  • Baby_Raptor

    How many head injuries is this now?

  • Guest

    I was in Mexico on the Dia de los Muertos, and there she was. Everywhere I looked, Noonan!

  • DahBoner

    The two most boring words in history are “nuclear proliferation.”

    http://www.reactiongifs.com/r/w8wut.gif

    • Vienna Woods

      Finally, a use for James Franco (fun fact: I couldn’t remember his name, googled “pretentious American actor, and he was the second hit).

      • jmk

        Who was the first?

        (*places small bet on Nicolas Cage*)

        • Vienna Woods

          Actually, Charlize Theron saying she hates pretentious actors.

          • jmk

            Dang!! I was so sure that was in the bag!!

  • T Kevin

    I wait on gin-soaked pins and needles for every Peggy Noonan update! But what about Manuel?

    • jviscont1

      I too am concerned for Manuel. Perhaps an unfortunate blender accident?

      • Mehmeisterjr

        Crushed by a shipping container of green olives (w. pimenti?)

  • freakishlystrong

    Honestly, Pegs should be prohibited from opining on just about anything to do with the Mullahs. i know she’s in a coma, but the rest of us remember history. REAL history, not wingnut history.

  • dshwa

    The thing hey never explain is how we’re going to maintain sanctions if the rest of the P5+1 decide not to go along.

    • jviscont1

      expect Peg to weigh in as soon as Manuel returns with the goods

  • OrdinaryJoe

    Looks to me like the WSJ ran the winning entry in their “Bad Peggy Noonan” contest.

  • Rufus T. Firefly

    Peggy needed to mullah over this column a bit more.

  • T Kevin

    After being led back to her penthouse apartment overlooking the park by those two nice doormen (why were they wearing white? Perhaps for Spring), Her Mightiness of the Reagan Pen found a dollar to slip into each of their jacket pockets. She slumped into her classic creaking wooden office chair and tried to focus on the hulking black Underwood. It seemed to hunch before her, suddenly threatening with all its iron mass. A half-finished letter congratulating the Shah of Iran on his return to the Peacock Throne still hung there on yellowed paper, fluttering above the carbon.
    She cried out for Manuel, and her loyal servant appeared from the shadows. He looked like he had lost weight. Perhaps he was doing Paul Ryan’s workout program, RX something. That reminded her why she summoned her faithful brown servant. She needed another case of Nyquil, two cases of Bombay Gin, a six month supply of pseudoephedrine and Valium, and three cases of vodka. And close the drapes, there was some light from that black president’s solar power filtering in.
    It was going to be a long, difficult summer.

    • Me not sure

      It was then that the comforting lavender fog, both her friend and lover, gathered her into its warm embrace and whispered the sweet nothings of her next column into her pearl adorned ear. Oh, dear muse of Bombay, she thought, what would I do without you?

  • Biff52

    What bothers me most about Peggington Nooninghamshire is the fact that, after all these years, she’s still younger than reagan was when he ascended to the throne. She will always be with us.

  • fka_donnie_d

    You know what the best (and by best, I mean absolute worst) part is? The fact that this bullshit was accurately predicted to the minutest detail by opponents of civilian nuclear energy in the 70s and 80s.

    Being a liberal means always being able to say I told you so, but never enjoying it – except in the case of dumb anti-gay bigots getting thrown under the bus by corporate fat cats.

  • Bitter Scribe

    President Obama is not known as a good negotiator.

    Columnists who put vague slurs in the passive voice are not known as good writers.

    • fka_donnie_d

      Winner.

  • hvdv

    Would it cost me all my Wonkette points if I say that (a) La Noonington looks pretty great for a 127-year old and (b) I would totally love to go on a bender with her? Because then I won’t say it.

  • FlownOver

    It’s bad news for John McCain that Peggers can remember Libya at all.

  • Paperless Tiger

    Iraq, Afghanistan, Libya, Syria, and Ukraine put together would be easier to punk than Iran. Coincidentally, that is a concise history of American foreign policy in the 21st century.

  • Joseph

    Out of charity, should we try to crowd source enough money to help Pegs hire someone who has worked with human hair in the past.

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