SHARE

Another day of being forced to make gay pizzas. Sigh.

It has long been part of the conservative lexicon to compare anything they don’t like — net neutrality, abortion, gun control, the theory of evolution, marriage equality, Obamacare, complaints about Google buses — to the Holocaust.

But this week, the conversion of U.S. America into Nazi Germany began in earnest, because some homo-hatin’ Christians who own a pizzeria in Indiana pulled off a terrific publicity stunt, earning them more than half a million dollars and counting.

The American Family Association’s Bryan Fischer — a constant and competitive contender for worst person alive for the bile he regularly sharts from his face on his radio show and the interwebs, including regularly invoking Hitler while also insisting this country ain’t made for The Jews and The Muslims, and bacon proves it — announced the official kick-off (again) on Twitter earlier this week:

Kristallnacht

And despite the outpouring of Christian conservative cash and support for the oh-so-oppressed O’Connor family, he hasn’t stopped:

In hiding

new Anne Frank

First of all, it is impossible that they are the new Anne Frank because everyone knows kid-killer (but not murderer) George Zimmerman is the new Anne Frank, and there can be only one.

Second, we were unaware that Anne Frank had a GoFundMe page so prominent conservative websites and radio show hosts could help raise money to get her out of Amsterdam.

But Fischer is hardly the only conservative crying so hard this week because the states of Indiana and Arkansas were pressured by Big Gay (and, more importantly, Big Business) to not sign licenses to discriminate into law. Broken-brained Glenn Beck begged the new Nazis, led by Adolf de Torquemada, apparently, to stop destroying America already:

“What kind of America are you building, you frickin’ Nazis,” Beck fumed. “What kind of Nazi regime are you building? Wake up! … You are following a Nazi group. I don’t know who is even leading this, but you’re becoming Nazis.”

“We need to start putting them into the robes of the Inquisition,” he continued. “That’s the way we need to start looking at these people because this is the Inquisition, gang. You think that there isn’t a Christian holocaust coming?”

Sure, Beck apologized a year ago for his role “in helping tear the country apart” with his divisive toxicity, but accusing people who don’t hate The Gay of doing the German Inquisition to a pizzeria is just fact-based reporting.

And then there was Matt Barber, from Liberty Counsel — the law firm AND ministry devoted to suing for Jesus until the First Amendment reads “applies to Christians only” — who also can’t help but see the striking similarities between 1939 Germany and 2015 Indiana:

“You wonder how, in Nazi Germany, the propagandists were able to get an entire nation of people on board with persecuting the Jews to the level that they’re doing,” Barber said. “We see it being repeated here with an entire nation of people, these leftist media propagandists, getting them on board for a soft persecution, at least at this point and time, of Christians here in the U.S.”

In an interesting twist, for which we will give two-and-a-half yellow six-pointed stars for the effort, Republican pollster Whit Ayres apparently believes the problem might be with overly judgmental Christians. But you know who’s to blame for that, right?

Screen Shot 2015-04-03 at 10.51.09 AM

Because we are not A Idiot, and pretty good at reading between the lines, we have an approximate idea of what Ayres means by “Old Testament.” Our people have a word for that (and no, it’s not pronounced “choot-spa”), given that, as we have mentioned before, American Jews are liberal Democrats who don’t have a problem with marriage equality. So perhaps Mr. Ayres could try not pinning his party’s Bible-humping bigotry on the “Old Testament.” Just a friendly tip.

For those among you who might be easily confused, here is a simple explainer for you. Nazis murdered six million Jews for being Jews in an attempt to eradicate the entire Jewish people. And they didn’t do it with socialized health care or gun control or penis cakes or, Jesus fucking Christ on the cross, a law that says you can’t discriminate against people because you think your religion requires you to be a dick. If you’re still confused as to whether you are the new Anne Frank and should go into hiding from the new Nazis, here, you can print this out as a visual aid so you don’t forget:

The Wonkette Nazi Analogy Flowchart

We clear now? Good.

[RightWingWatch/RightWingWatch again]

$
Donate with CCDonate with CC
  • JohnBull

    Look at it this way: more money going to a shitty pizzeria means less money going to Glen Beck or assault rifles. Or car payments.

    • Querolous

      You mean truck payments.

  • Nounverb911

    For their next stunt, the pizza grifters announce they won’t cater Passover Seders tonight either, also too.

    • Celtic_Gnome

      Oh, they’re more than willing to cater Passover Seders until they’re asked to hold the pepperoni, then, look out, it’s GoFundMe time again.

  • say wha

    “We need to start putting them into the robes of the Inquisition,” he continued.

    Say, you know what other hateful group is known for its robes?

  • exinkwretch

    I’m just gonna Passover this thread. Thanks.

    • pstockholm

      Easter said than done.

  • Not So Much

    Why the fuck would he pass up a chance to coin a term like “Gaystapo”? I feel like he’s not even trying.

    • Walter Wellstone

      “Gaystapo”… Fucking brilliant.

  • Msgr_Moment

    Seems a little Mein Kampy.

    • BackDoorMan

      … one of the better efforts by Herr Hugo Boss. Such a thing he had for fabrics – this cashmere-wool blend was to die for!

  • drbloor

    I for one look forward to the Gay Gestapo uniforms. They’re going to be FABULOUS!

  • Walter Wellstone

    So now we have “Big Gay”, eh? That’s quite an accomplishment for teh gheys in such a short period of time. Mazel tov!

    • Gleem-McShinez

      “Big Gay”

      To think, Tom Cotton said they should be thankful they’re not hung!

    • Amy!

      The movement is on the rise.

      From the ladies’ side, think of it as a slippery slope.

  • Zippy

    they do love to play the martyr- move over Jeebus, I’ma takin your cross

    • Blank Ron

      Maybe that explains why there’s so many pieces of the True Cross – the professional martyrs have built so many over the years.

  • Steverino247

    Again, the GoFundMe effort was started by Lawrence BIlly Jones III. When actual money changes hands, I’ll be impressed. In the mean time, it’s just grifting and more publicity stunting. The pizza folks are probably happy to get all the attention, but so far, they aren’t getting any money out of this.

    • Zippy

      they’ll get a few thousand, while the other 99% gets sucked up as administrative fees

      • Nounverb911

        The invisible hand strikes again?

        • Zippy

          the invisible in in their back pocket, stealing their wallet

      • Gil

        Sounds like my bank.

    • Axomamma

      The rules of GoFundMe require that friends/family donate before the fund can receive donations from strangers. My guess is that Billy has agreed to split the takings with a few friends who kicked in some seed money. Pizza people will be lucky if they get enough to buy a pizza from Little Caesars.

      • Steverino247

        Mostly anonymous donors, too. That’s got to mean something.

  • ” … and there can be only one.”
    Anne Frank, Highlander just blew the fan-fic-sphere to high heaven. I call dibs.

  • A Bashful Nobody

    *Sigh*…If they just could have kept their pizza pie holes shut they’d be fine now.

    • Zippy

      unless they were already in financial trouble

      • Rotisserie Teal

        That’s a bingo! Getting all the martyr attention is like winning the derp lottery now.

  • dslindc

    That is a handy flowchart, though I recommend shutting up with fewer preliminary questions when most of these whackjobs open their pie holes.

    For example: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2015/04/03/pat-robertson-gay-anal-sex-_n_6999832.html

  • Zippy

    I thought we weren’t supposed to give people money because it makes them lazy and dependent

    oh, my bad. it’s only “those people” we’re not supposed to help

    • willi0000000

      asshole sheriffs still ok though.

  • Msgr_Moment

    …who also can’t help but see the striking similarities between 1939 Germany and 2015 Indiana

    So we have to wait six whole years for Indiana to be partitioned and have Gary occupied by the Communists? OTOH, the firebombing of Muncie.

    • malsperanza

      Statehouse going up in flames any day now…

      • willi0000000

        they’d never allow a flaming statehouse in Indiana.

    • Gil

      Let’s do it! I’m bored right now.

    • Blank Ron

      All those PzKpfw IIIs lined up, ready to invade Ohio and Illinois, while Canada frantically builds Spitfires and Hurricanes for when they invade across Lake Ontario…

  • JustPixelz

    Say, you know how else were Nazis?

    • Nounverb911

      Prescott Bush? Wait, he was their banker, never mind.

    • weejee

      The gay pandas?

      • bobbert

        But, eight minutes?? Hengh?

    • Msgr_Moment

      Grammar snobs?

    • malsperanza

      Those kooks we don’t like?

    • nmmagyar

      That soup guy?

    • JoeChristmas

      Intolerant Christians in 1930’s Germany?

    • Gil

      HOW else ? Um……. you looking for indoctrination? Watching Leni Riefenstahl ( whew!) movies? I gets confused !

      • JustPixelz

        DOH! Autocorrect is my enemy.

        • Blank Ron

          *pats your back* It’s okay. It’s everybody’s enemy.

  • It would be easy to believe such rhetorical overreach was simply a kind of mistake that certain Christians sometimes make. Pay attention long enough, and you come to realize that for many it is the point of being Christian.

    • Zippy

      they live for this shit- they never miss a chance to play the victim

      • jmk

        They totally live for this. It’s a badge of godliness – they feel closer to Jeebus when they can feel “persecuted for his sake,” and they claim that their feelings of persecution mean that Jesus really DID predict the future, which, to them, is “proof.”

        Add to that the fact that they also see persecution as a sign of the End Times because the preacher said they’ll all be persecuted hard right before they’re Raptured, and you can see what’s behind their eagerness to claim the mantle of victim at any and all opportunities.

  • Zippy

    I really hate those Indiana Nazis

    • FauxAntocles

      Did they move?

  • OrdinaryJoe

    More Ben & Jerry’s, less Chick-Fil-A.

  • John Frum

    Also, Crystal O’Connor totally looks like the farmer’s wife from Men In Black.

  • weejee

    Godwin weeps.

  • HogeyeGrex

    Another handy wallet reference for the unhinged.

    • willi0000000

      ARE: gay, Muslim (or other’ non-xian religion), black, brown (or other non-white shade), or any combination of the preceding

      NOT: white, loudly xian, male*

      *note: did not include ‘old’ because that opens a whole ‘nother kettle of worms

  • schmannity

    With apologies to the LGBT community, for $500,000 I too will also refuse to cater your wedding receptions with pizza, and by “cater” I mean calling the nearest delivery since I have neither a pizza oven nor skills.

    • Amy!

      I don’t think you need a pizza oven, skills, or even a telephone and a good pizza joint’s number if your business plan is “not catering”.

    • LIT_Fag

      Split it with me and I’ll help you be the Arkansas version of Memories Pizza, saying you refused me service, and my AR Delegayshun and I forced you to close.

      • schmannity

        Will be religiously oppressed for $$.
        Please help. God bless.

  • Lascauxcaveman

    Of course not all gays are Nazis, just as not all Nazis are gay, but fun fact time; the founder of the Brown Shirts was homosexin’/heterosexin’/everythingsexin’ kinda guy who thought that fucking everything in sight was just one of those Aryan will-to-power things a powerfuly willful Aryan dude had to do.

    Hitler put up with it for as long as he had to, then didn’t anymore.

    • nmmagyar

      A lot of the SS were gay. They were given the choice of following any order given without question or going to the camps.

    • bobbert

      So, a panda?

  • Zippy

    The grift goes on, the grift goes on

    La de da de de, la de da de da

  • Y’know, if they can’t take the heat, maybe they should’ve stayed the hell out of the kitchen.

  • whatwhomever

    Could someone please holocaust me with $500,000? Pretty please?

  • Spotts1701

    It’s a constitutional right to serve third-rate pizza!

  • OneYieldRegular

    GoFundMeMeMe!

  • geoffalnutt

    No, no, no!!! It’s Crystal-nacht at the pizzarrhea!!

  • Bill Slider

    Put us in robes he says. Fine. I like robes, as long as I can have a robe of many colors, like it says somewhere in the Bible. However, I want my stripes sewn on the bias, and the colors to be bright, for Christian Easter, none of that mauve stuff. Italian silk would be nice. If there is to be a Christian Inquisition we need fashionable robes in case it’s televised. The Christians can wear gray flannel pajamas. Their names should be tattooed on their foreheads, perhaps in PigLatin. A committee should be assembled before a final decision is made, however. Am I getting ahead of myself? Do I sound overly enthusiastic? Others should determine their fate. We are a democratic republic.

  • nmmagyar

    Is it even worth pointing out that two other groups rounded up and killed by the Nazis ware gay folk and Priests who refused to support the Reich?

    • weejee

      Perfessers, academics, and other libtards, too, also.

      • nmmagyar

        Trade Unionists, mentally/physically handicapped… It’s almost as if you put lists of the folks Nazis and Repubicans don’t care side by side you’d have a hard time telling which list belonged to which group.

        • Villago Delenda Est

          I’m sure that’s just a coinky-dink.

        • BackDoorMan

          … and don’t forget The Roma – although the “gypsies” were pretty much reviled by everybody, for the longest time.

  • FauxAntocles

    Handy chart.
    Bonus points for use of “shart”.

  • weejee

    The Albanians are coming want to know Hoosier Daddy

  • Gleem-McShinez

    Unless you’re twittering from the inside of a lion, Bryan Fisher, don’t bother me with your bullshit.

  • zerosumgame0005

    so why is gofundme letting this fraud happen?

    • culture_drone

      They didn’t have any problem raising half a million (and keeping a chunk of it) for Darren Wilson either.

  • Baby_Raptor

    I don’t believe for a minute that they’re actually getting death threats. The Right learned long ago that death threats get sympathy from watching the Left react to all the death threats they sent. They’re martyrbating.

  • Me not sure

    “If you can’t stand the genuine wood-fired brick oven heat stay out of the pizzeria.” ( and BTW Auschwitz )

  • sandyvagas

    Help me put a stop to gays and cupcakes! :

    http://www.gofundme.com/nogaycupcakes

  • willi0000000

    fischer, barber, glenda and their ilk wouldn’t recognize bigotry if it crawled up their asses and bit them on the nose!

    • Villago Delenda Est

      Or out of their asses and bit them on the nose.

    • Blank Ron

      Perhaps they lack mirrors?

    • bobbert

      If bigotry bites itself on the nose, does it recognize itself?
      Oh, I’m drunk, aren’t I?

  • Villago Delenda Est

    Of course, if you’re being murdered because you’re a bigoted asshole who stands in a watchtower while a racial, ethnic, religious or national group is being systematically murdered inside the wire you’re guarding, it’s called you’re paying for your crimes against humanity, and you are invited to shut the fuck up, please.

    Thank you, have a nice day!

  • MrBlobfish

    Until the Gays are goose-stepping down Mainstrasse, I will reserve judgement.

    • Blank Ron

      That would be one FABULOUS parade, though…

  • georgiaburning

    If you think “Triumph of the Will” and “To Wong Foo, Thanks for Everything” are the same movie, somebody messed up big with your education

  • RecreationalPilot

    Soon, they will grift a cool million in cash, become addicted to their fame and easy money.

    My question is, “After this stunt wanes and they return to their pizza shop, what will they do to try and maintain their exposure so they can continue to get attention and free cash?

    ===

    They now have the taste of popularity, will a book tour, talk show circuit, elementary school presentations, church venues, county fairs, etc. be in order?

    ===

    You know that just as fast as that GoFundMe account went up, they are planning their next steps.

    They didn’t go into hiding, they’re planning their next steps to churn this enterprise!

    • Ergoetal

      Reality show, obv. Maybe a couple.

      • Gil

        Hope they’re planning on geting their teeth fixed. That was uncalled for. But I do know a really good orthodontist in Indy if anyone’s interested.

    • tohu777

      Gettin’ in on that grift. Griftin’ away. Ridin’ the grift.

      This is all “God’s Little Acre,” this is…

  • Sebastian Melmoth

    I can’t think about the horrors this fine Christian family of pizza-mongers are enduring as I write this because it is Good Friday and I am with my fellow Penitentes at the Cathedral, acting all penitent and stuff. Maybe the week after next…

  • Villago Delenda Est

    *FEMA camps are not real

    Bamz on his thin black ass, again!

  • Vera

    Make them wear a pink pizza slice on their clothes so us Gay Gestapo can know who these pizza people are.

  • Alex Grey

    “George Zimmerman is the new Anne Frank, and there can be only one.”
    Highlander with guns instead of swords?

    • Blank Ron

      Worse. Highlanders with Twitter accounts.

    • Alex Grey

      I would have Photoshopped in an AR-15, if I knew how to use Photoshop…

  • TootsStansbury

    I’ve gotten to the point of “You’re a Republican? *dope slap* What the fuck is wrong with you!”. Them and ostentatious SUV drivers.

  • Enfant Terrible

    I had no idea that what the Nazis did was that horrible until someone compared their actions to snarking on small town pizza restaurants.

    (And seriously, if you’re sending death threats to these folks, you are *not* an LGBT ally.)

  • Blender_415

    Do I get to design my own “Inquisitor’s Robe?” Because I can damn sure guarantee I would look FABULOUS.

  • still. your pizza sucks.

    love, chicago

  • Celtic_Gnome

    Perhaps we should thank our lucky stars that the greatest criminal act of the 20th century was perpetrated by Adolph Hitler. If it had been someone else, we’d have to put up with the conservatards invoking a real dick with ears every time someone did or said something they don’t like.

  • Duke

    So happy for the pizza people. Using the Internet to not work is good for America. I’m going to holocaust myself and crowdfund my way to a life in Provence.

  • handyhippie65

    awesome flow chart. and now we understand how the radical muslims gain so much support. if the devout think you are martyrs defending the faith, they will give you a million dollars.

    • The Saudi monarchy is to nutbag Islam what the Koch brothers are to nutbag Christianity and Sheldon Adelson is to Bibi Netanyahoo.

      • handyhippie65

        yea, i should have expanded my statement to include all radical religions. how else could a pizza place get almost a cool mill. from the faithful.

  • DahBoner

    Now he can afford a Tri-Corner hat for Teabag rallys.
    http://img.pandawhale.com/164506-trailer-park-boys-Ill-be-damne-8Xp6.gif

  • Note: Nazis banned halal/kosher meat, on animal rights grounds.

  • freakishlystrong

    So, it’s “Kristallnacht” if so-called Christians can’t discriminate against fellow citizens based on who they love? And who are you calling a Nazi again?

    • sosuume

      They think it’s about pizza.

    • cat cafe

      And somehow, the Inquisition was…er.. against Christians? Um….

  • retiredeng

    Wing nut reading room.

  • Rufus T. Firefly

    If you think the Gay Gestapo is bad, just wait for the Pansy Panzer Division.

  • Rufus T. Firefly

    Every night when I lock my cat out of the bedroom, it’s just like Meowschwitz.

    >I’ll show myself out now.<

  • SnarkOff

    Hitler loved pizza.

  • maxneanderthal

    My mother in law lived through the real Kristalnacht as a terrified 10 year old. You, sir, have no shame, no morals, and no humanity. Poor you……

  • Mavenmaven

    The Right just likes to use their old words again.

  • CripesAmighty

    OK, I think we’ve found it: The apex. The zenith. The apotheosis. The ne plus ultra of the Great Goober Grievance Grift in it’s state of absolute perfection.

    To wit: With one ‘press opportunity,’ a Gofundme page and a few cranky tweets, these people have induced thousands of patsies to send them three-fucking -quarters-of-a-million-fucking-dollars.

    In exchange for, –wait for it–Bupkis. Squat. Nada. Absolutelyfuckingnothing.

    Perfection.

    • D Ash

      Next jeebus mission: The Perfectly Miraculous Perpetual Motion Machine!

  • Wisegeorge

    I have a gofund page to promote the love of Jesus and his hatred of gays. All of the money will be used to praise Jesus and buy guns for the upcoming apocalypse. Ten percent of your annual income in lump sum is preferable but monthly installments with twenty one percent interest are acceptable. Praise Jesus and hate gays just like my Lord and Savior of straight, white, American Republicans. Amen, we are so exceptional. Praise us Jesus on this pagan holiday of hate.

  • blaid droog

    not being an employee of the IRS, I may be just pulling this out of my ass but I think such windfall monies are taxable as capital gains or as ordinary income. I hope so anyway.

  • Paperless Tiger

    “… Gay Gestapo …”

    I knew those SS caps were gonna cause problems.

  • IDreamOfNinja

    This is irrelevant but there is no whiter name than Whit Aryes. Except White Aryan. And that’s just bad naming.

  • Nuke90210

    Can you make us a T-shirt with that flow chart, Wonkette baby? I’d buy the hell out of that.

  • jhannon

    Great piece–but I don’t think Ayres was slamming Jews with the OT reference.

Previous articleSorry, Idaho, You Are Getting Jihaded By Radical Muslims Now :(
Next articleRepublican Senators: Can You Explain Climate Change To Us, EPA, So We Can Not Believe You Some More?